0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world, News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# News of the world, News of the world. #
0:00:30 > 0:00:34This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Joining me this week are
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:52We start with a round called
0:00:52 > 0:00:54If this is the Answer, What is the Question?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56On the board are six categories.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Sara, which category would you like? - Politics, please.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00OK, the category is politics.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03The answer is...
0:01:04 > 0:01:05What is the question?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Is that #Iraqwarspoilers?
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Is it actually how is Chelsea Football Club funded?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Is it the three things you need to get on the property ladder?
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Is it the rejected title for Tony Blair's autobiography?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Lot of Blair fans in.- Yeah.
0:01:30 > 0:01:36Is it the Middle East version of rock, paper, scissors?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Very good.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Is it three things that A & E nurses have found up people's bottoms?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Is it three things America looks for in an enemy?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Haha!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57What tour party are we getting into this show?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Those people over there, I've really annoyed,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01who are huge fans of wars and Tony Blair.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02I'm very sorry about that.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Is it since I've grown a beard
0:02:04 > 0:02:07what am I most likely to be searched for in an airport?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Is it what does Abu Qatada shout at the moment of orgasm?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I'm going to move you towards a correct answer if I can.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Is it I lost a stone on which diet?
0:02:22 > 0:02:26The correct answer is this is things that are going to be affected
0:02:26 > 0:02:29if Scotland get independence.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30That is...
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Whatever it is, it's about Scottish independence...- It is.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36..or as I like to call it, the Great British Break Off.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Yes, the question I was looking for was
0:02:43 > 0:02:44what were three of the major issues
0:02:44 > 0:02:48debated during the run-up to the referendum on Scottish independence?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Fierce debate has surrounded issues
0:02:49 > 0:02:51such as the value of North Sea oil reserves,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54the economic uncertainty that could follow a Yes victory,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57and the removal of the UK's Trident nuclear submarines from Scotland.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59As we air right now, the polls have just closed
0:02:59 > 0:03:02and the votes are being counted so we have no idea what the results
0:03:02 > 0:03:06are but, equally, we're probably less bound by the laws last week
0:03:06 > 0:03:08in terms of we can't influence a vote
0:03:08 > 0:03:12so we, magically, have zero power and zero information.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15It is an exciting time to do a topical news quiz.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19We can affect nothing and we have nothing to tell people.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21It really is magical, magical.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24So, it's the first time that we are already as out of date
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- as the programme is on Dave.- Yes!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Wow!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32My big worry about the whole Scottish independence thing
0:03:32 > 0:03:34is what happens on Friday morning?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36How do they introduce Good Morning, Britain?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38What presumably will happen, if it's a Yes vote,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40is that on one of the Good Morning shows,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44we will see live footage of Lorraine Kelly being arrested
0:03:44 > 0:03:45and put into the back of a truck
0:03:45 > 0:03:48with other well-known Scottish people and
0:03:48 > 0:03:51being sent back to Scotland to host a show if she wants up there.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Who knows how she'll...?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55She'll forage for berries or something, I don't know.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57And other Scots will be simply driven away
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- and dumped at the border... - APPLAUSE
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Don't applaud that! It's clearly a joke!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It hasn't come true, right?
0:04:06 > 0:04:07"Yeah, yeah, that'll show them!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"That'll show the ones with no vote!"
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I'm quite excited for them to go independent though because then
0:04:12 > 0:04:15when I have a Scotch egg, I can claim to like foreign food.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Yeah, I eat around.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I'll have some delicacies, Scotch eggs.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25It's not even in the UN. How's foreign's that?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29The worry, though, is that as the economy collapses,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32they'll go from Scotch eggs and all they'll have in the end
0:04:32 > 0:04:34is like mini Scotch eggs,
0:04:34 > 0:04:35which are nicer, in my opinion.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38What if it goes really well and they become really rich
0:04:38 > 0:04:39and they become olden-time kings
0:04:39 > 0:04:42and start putting scotch eggs inside scotch eggs inside scotch eggs...?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Oh, my God, we'll have duck eggs inside like an emu egg
0:04:45 > 0:04:48and then they'll get Faberge to build the outside of it
0:04:48 > 0:04:50and then they'll put sausage round the outside of it.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54What if they encase the whole of Scotchland in sausage meat...?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56It is literally two minutes after the polls have closed.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59We are not reverting to calling it Scotchland.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Did I say Scotchland?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I was talking about Scotch eggs and I said Scotchland.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I'm sorry, Scotland.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09It's too late. Too late now.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10It's either one way or the other.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14I thought Scotch eggs was where Scottish people came from.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I think we're probably not reflecting the tenor of the debate
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- as it occurred for the last two weeks.- That's what makes me laugh.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"You can't say anything cos it might sway people's opinion."
0:05:24 > 0:05:27As if they're going to go, "Whoa, whoa, I was going to vote no
0:05:27 > 0:05:29"but Rob Beckett had a good point about Scotch eggs."
0:05:29 > 0:05:32The people who did join in during the campaign,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- how much effect did they have?- None.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Well, I mean David Cameron, he went up to Scotland, didn't he?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39He referred to himself as the "effing Tories."
0:05:39 > 0:05:40I don't think most Scottish people
0:05:40 > 0:05:42had any clue what he was talking about.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45If he'd said, "C-ing Tories..."
0:05:45 > 0:05:48He came across like one of these teachers that's trying
0:05:48 > 0:05:49to be all really cool, like,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"Hey, guys, yeah, I know you're worried about the bloody exams,
0:05:52 > 0:05:56"do you know what I mean? It's so hard, isn't it?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"But I was just listening to some rap music on my way over here.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03"This week, I'm totally down with the struggles, do you know what I mean?"
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Shut up, mate.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I don't think you can lose one tenth of your population
0:06:07 > 0:06:09and one third of your landmass and stay Prime Minister.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Especially when you're the Prime Minister
0:06:11 > 0:06:13of the Conservative and Unionist Party,
0:06:13 > 0:06:14which is his their full title.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18He's got previous, didn't he? He lost his daughter at the pub.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I'm finding it funny that all like the banks are having to move,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24and the businesses are having to move.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26The banks are moving down to England.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I feel sorry for the Scottish Widow. She's just lost her husband...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33..and now she's got to move country.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35APPLAUSE
0:06:37 > 0:06:39One of my biggest worries, genuinely,
0:06:39 > 0:06:40is that if the Scots go,
0:06:40 > 0:06:45we lose the most trusted accent in the United Kingdom.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48If you call up a health call centre, you want someone to go,
0:06:48 > 0:06:53"OK, calm down, sir, I am a trusted NHS Operative, calm down."
0:06:53 > 0:06:54And what are we left with?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- MANIC LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: - "Calm down, calm down!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"Your wife's not breathing! Don't worry about it!"
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Hugh, I really think you've might have missed the boat in worrying
0:07:05 > 0:07:07about call centres moving.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11People keep talking about what will happen with Scotland's
0:07:11 > 0:07:13relationship to Europe if they get a Yes vote,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16but what about if they have really enjoyed this process
0:07:16 > 0:07:20and so they leave Great Britain and then they decide to leave Europe,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and then they decide they want to leave the world and they just
0:07:23 > 0:07:28become a second moon orbiting us from above in this idyllic Utopia?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Would they still do scotch eggs? - Yeah.- Quality.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I think Scotland have to stay in the EU
0:07:34 > 0:07:39cos the very name EU sounds like a Glaswegian trying to start a fight.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42What knock-on effect could it have for the EU?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Well, Spain are worried about it, aren't they?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Because they'll break up. - Yes.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- The Catalans and the Basques. - Yes.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Which is a form of underwear.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I don't know how you give a form of underwear independence.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Just take it off.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01APPLAUSE
0:08:04 > 0:08:07The shipping forecast is going to be a bit buggered, I think.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Is the weather forecaster going to pretend
0:08:10 > 0:08:12that Scotland has no weather?
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Are all the weather maps going to stop at Northumberland?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19"And the rain will go to...here."
0:08:19 > 0:08:21The shipping forecast will go,
0:08:21 > 0:08:25"Thames, Wight, Dover - slight, becoming moderate later.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"Cromarty, Hebrides, Forth -
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"get your own forecast."
0:08:30 > 0:08:33We know but we're not going to tell you.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Everyone laughed at Mel Gibson in Braveheart
0:08:37 > 0:08:39but he predicted this.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Cannot take that away from him.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43I know, I blame Mel Gibson
0:08:43 > 0:08:45and he blames the blacks and the Jews.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Does he? I've not seen that film.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51This conspiracy goes really deep, doesn't it?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Braveheart Two is a very different film.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Sean Connery has come out though, hasn't he?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Sean Connery has come out for... - He's gay?! What?!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03I'm not surprised.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05There's always one person, when you say someone is gay,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"I knew, I always knew, I always knew."
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Sean Connery supports the Yes campaign
0:09:10 > 0:09:12but doesn't want to live there,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14because he's worried if he obviously lives there, it will change
0:09:14 > 0:09:19the way he speaks and its going to ruin his vast array of accents.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22The two sides are saying two different things, aren't they?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- So, that the No campaign... - Well, yes - Yes and No.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You've cut through it. Just cut through.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34This is fantastic, I'm looking forward to it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Particularly, just because being Irish,
0:09:36 > 0:09:37I've stayed out of the whole debate,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I found it quite funny, coming from an independent country,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42people going, "It's been a very bitter debate,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45"a very bitter debate here. People were mean to me on Twitter.'
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Oh, really? They were mean to you on Twitter?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49During the Irish War of Independence,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52my granny hid in a ditch from British soldiers for an entire night.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55So, boo-hoo, Twitter girl.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Meanwhile, what has George Osborne asked the public to design?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Is it a plan for the economy?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09No, it is not.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Meh-heh.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13That's a really bad photo.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Ehhhh!
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- It's a new pound coin. - Yes, it is a new pound coin.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19It's a new pound coin.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Because it's such a big thing, they're not going to decide,
0:10:22 > 0:10:23are they, before the referendum's over?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Well, no, because that will be tomorrow morning...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- So no, it's not.- They're not coming out for a few years yet.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Should we not hedge our bets and put Charles on it?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37They're talking about designing pound coins. They've been designing
0:10:37 > 0:10:41pound coins round my way for years - 20 for 15 quid if you're interested.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I like to think that forgers do their own designs.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Ah, yeah, that will be one of mine. That will be one of mine you're using there.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52It should reflects the status and value of the pound coin, that's what the design should be.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I think the design should probably have a picture of
0:10:54 > 0:10:56like a shopping trolley on it
0:10:56 > 0:10:59and on the other side it should say "token".
0:11:02 > 0:11:05It's going to have the Queen's head on one side, isn't it?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Obviously every coin has got a head and a tail so if it's got the Royal
0:11:08 > 0:11:12head on one side, surely it should have a royal arse on the other side?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Prince Andrew, he'd fit the bill.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I think they should bring back £1 notes - that was much more fun -
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- everyone feels rich.- That was not in our life time, though.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I had one out-of-currency. just cos they're like, "Player".
0:11:25 > 0:11:27That was not in your lifetime - what?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- No, I'm only young. - Bloody hell, what? Really?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- When were you born? - '86.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Yeah, it wasn't in your life time.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38How long have we been doing this show?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I remember when it was like Rory Bremner and Frank...
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Who are these children?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47One day we'll be sitting in your seats, telling people we met you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Back in the day...
0:11:55 > 0:11:57We knew him...before the allegations.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07At the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Hugh and Gary.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Now we come to a round called Mock Aye The Noos.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18This game involves Sara and Gary.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21So, if you could make your way to the performance area please.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22This round is a stand up challenge.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29OK, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33The first subject is Technology.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Who's going...? Sara.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Er, hello. I'd love to be a dictator.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I think I would be absolutely brilliant at it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I think you should vote for me in your last act of democracy
0:12:43 > 0:12:46and then, on my first day, I would ban Facebook.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Facebook is my enemy. Right, tell you what happens.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51My boyfriend, would be at home in a different room on his computer.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55He'll shout out something that you would think is perfectly innocent,
0:12:55 > 0:13:00"Oh, you never told me Katy has been to Tunisia."
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Katy is my most beautiful friend. She's absolutely stunning.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06She went to Tunisia in 2009...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10..which means he'd been sitting there going back through five
0:13:10 > 0:13:15years of photographs looking for one of her in a bikini.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16I blame Facebook.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19In the olden days, if a man wanted to see a picture
0:13:19 > 0:13:20of her in a swimming costume,
0:13:20 > 0:13:25he had to open a Snappy Snaps near her house and hope that she came
0:13:25 > 0:13:27in after her holidays.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29If you wanted to perve, you put some effort in.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Just because I'm here on Mock the Week, I want to tell you something.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35There's two things you need to know.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38My names Sara but without an H, so its spelt S-A-R-A.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40and I've always hated that my whole life
0:13:40 > 0:13:42because People all call me "Sa-ra".
0:13:42 > 0:13:44They ask me, "Why don't you have an 'h' on your name"?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Like I was anything to do with that decision.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Also, the other thing is, I've always heard other
0:13:49 > 0:13:52comedians talking about how you get a lot of abuse on Twitter
0:13:52 > 0:13:54and people are really horrible to you and I've never had any,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57and I thought it was because I was brilliant and everyone liked me.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01And then during August, because I'd been on Mock the Week, I got
0:14:01 > 0:14:07contacted by a lady called Sarah Pascoe with an H and she said
0:14:07 > 0:14:11to me, "Can you warn me the next time you're on television because
0:14:11 > 0:14:15"I'm getting a lot of people saying they wish I was dead or infertile."
0:14:15 > 0:14:17She's a nurse in Exeter.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19She works like 70 hours a week doing this amazing job
0:14:19 > 0:14:23and now she's unwittingly acting as my complaints department.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27So, if you didn't like this, you know who to tell.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Thank you very much, Sara.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32OK, that leaves us with Gary.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Let's see what you've been left with. Spin the wheel.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38The topic is Nationalities. Away you go.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43My next door neighbour's really loud and obnoxious,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45so now I know how Canada feels.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I bought some lamb chops.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52On the packet it said, "Reared in Wales".
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I thought that was just a racist stereotype.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02This morning I made a Belgian waffle.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15When England play Poland at Wembley, there was 30,000 Polish
0:15:15 > 0:15:18fans in the crowd and I thought, "Well, fair play to them.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21"If I'd built it, I'd want to have a look round as well."
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I like to annoy my Israeli flat-mate by giving him
0:15:31 > 0:15:34any post that's just addressed to the occupier.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I was at an Italian zoo with a Christian friend of mine,
0:15:42 > 0:15:46so I thought, when in Rome, and I pushed him into the lions.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Nan's going to that suicide clinic in Switzerland,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52but don't tell her - it's a surprise.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56My grandad was killed by a Zulu.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59He was having a shit at Whipsnade and the roof collapsed.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Thank you.- Well done, very good.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Points go to Gary. Thank you very much.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what is happening.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20So, what's going on here?
0:16:22 > 0:16:23That's Boris Johnson
0:16:23 > 0:16:27and he's finally got enough rope to hang himself.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29This is from a series of photographs, I believe,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31called characters of Britain.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34This is number four - the village idiot.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42If you ever wanted a couple of Somali pirates to turn up...
0:16:42 > 0:16:43take him off.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Is the captain saying, "No, I said we need a massive anchor"?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Is he surrounded by all the women he's been faithful to?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Is it um, "Boris delivers waterside Benny Hill tribute act"?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Is it "Blonde twat on a boat"?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- That was the name of your holiday album, wasn't it?- Yes.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Does anyone know what it is? What the news story is?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I think it's a news story about Boris Johnson.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I'll give you that. Why this week has Boris been in the news?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Is it about him standing for election?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26It is, of course. Thank you very much, Rob Beckett.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31You can't be funny all the time, get a bit of accuracy.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Of course, that's right.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35It's a picture of Mayor of London Boris Johnson,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38who has this week been selected as the Conservative candidate
0:17:38 > 0:17:41for Uxbridge and South Ruislip for the 2015 general election.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46The people of Uxbridge and South Ruislip are already celebrating,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- just getting a mention.- People are worried about him being Prime Minister,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52saying he shouldn't have his finger on the nuclear button.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54But let's face it, if Boris saw a button,
0:17:54 > 0:17:58he'd be more likely to undo it than actually press it.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It would probably change Scotland's view of Trident
0:18:00 > 0:18:03if it was Boris who was in charge of Trident.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07They'd probably go, "We'll just look after it here. It's probably at its best here.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"We'll take if offline, and just leave it here, in Glasgow, it's nice and safe."
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Is it a good idea, him wanting to be Prime Minister?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I mean, the rate we seem to be losing countries at the moment,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Mayor of London might be the biggest job going, mightn't it?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21You can't have him leading the country! Do me a favour,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24he can't even lead a conga line! He'd get lost somewhere.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26That's a massive insult to Ed Miliband isn't it?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Like, "We can put any old shit in, mate, and you won't have a chance."
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Cameron and Boris are both Eton, both Oxford, both Bullingdon.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36One of them is really popular
0:18:36 > 0:18:38and the other one is supposedly out of touch.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Maybe David Cameron - instead of getting out of bed,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44trying to be this sort of clean cut family man - what he needs to
0:18:44 > 0:18:50do is to get out of somebody else's bed, put his suit on in a hedge!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53If he's got to canvass, he's got to get votes, hasn't he?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56If someone that famous turned up on your doorstep, right, and wanted
0:18:56 > 0:18:58your vote, you would have fun with them, wouldn't you?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01If he'd turned up, you would go,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05"You know, I've never voted Tory. Go on...
0:19:05 > 0:19:06"say whiff-whaff."
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"Yeah, go on that bike and fall off it.'
0:19:12 > 0:19:16He is a shagger, though, isn't he? He's had at least three affairs.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18And you think, "What are the tabloids waiting for?"
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Paddy Ashdown had one affair, got known as Paddy Pants-down.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25What are they waiting for, given that Boris's surname is Johnson
0:19:25 > 0:19:27and his initials are BJ?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Why has Mars been in the news this week?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Er, referendum, they want um...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41..independence from the solar system.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46This is the big vote they're going for, yeah.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49This is basically a Big Brother style competition, where people get
0:19:49 > 0:19:52to go to Mars. And if you want to go on a reality TV
0:19:52 > 0:19:58show and disappear for ever, surely just go on X Factor and win it.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Imagine though, like, the injections you need just to go to
0:20:01 > 0:20:04somewhere like India - imagine what you'd need to go to Mars!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Why d'you need eight years of prep to go to Mars?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I went to Malaga the other week, got on a plane,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11didn't prep at all, and I was fine.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16I got on it, got there, got off, and it was hot but I dealt with it.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Yeah, the Mars One project, which aims to send 20 people
0:20:18 > 0:20:21on a one-way trip to the red planet within the next decade or so.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Did anyone spot the key word in that sentence?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Anyone spot the bit that stood out from that?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Is it one...?- It's one-way. That's the bit that I always note
0:20:29 > 0:20:32cos I know a scientist in Dublin who has put himself up for this.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35He's in the last 700 to make it. It's a one-way trip.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37There's no way you're coming back.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39And this is the Big Brother where we all tune in,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42grow to love these characters, slowly watch them die.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47So they send back recorded messages from the planet going,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50"Er, Bob's dead."
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Is that Geordie who does the voice-over going with them?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Is he going to go,
0:20:53 > 0:20:59"Day three, and I can't help thinking I've made a crap decision."
0:20:59 > 0:21:02It's going to be 2022, innit? When they can get up there.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05They think they should move the Qatar World cup there
0:21:05 > 0:21:07cos it won't be as hot,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11it'll be more hospitable and less people would die getting it ready.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15So a reality TV show where people might actually be watched to, like,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17suffocate, starve to death, or just die.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19It's going to be worse than Splash.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24There will be a load of people that applying, like,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"Well, I'm an astrobiologist."
0:21:26 > 0:21:28"Well I'm an intergalactic geologist."
0:21:28 > 0:21:32"I'm Terry! I do a bit of DJing at the weekend, event management.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"I'm the vibe master!"
0:21:35 > 0:21:38And when the plane...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- when the rocket is there you just hear... - HE MIMICS LOUD MUSIC
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Just grime coming out... "Terry, turn it off." "Nah!"
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Why do you always do my voice for idiots?!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49This is class war, people.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- WELSH ACCENT:- "I'm Terry, the Welsh DJ!
0:21:52 > 0:21:55"That's it now. I'm going to bring the vibes to space."
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I can't keep this up much longer!
0:21:58 > 0:22:03If you keep doing that Welsh accent, Romesh will be offended as well.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04I'm part Welsh.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07But the thing is they want to do it in teams of four,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10and they want each of those four people
0:22:10 > 0:22:12to come from a different continent.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Because its not difficult enough being up on Mars,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17let's throw a language barrier in there as well.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19There is a famous story about a Russian cosmonaut.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23There were two of them on the Mir Space Station for six months,
0:22:23 > 0:22:24just the two of them,
0:22:24 > 0:22:25and they really couldn't get on.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Didn't get on at all, right?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29They were at opposite ends of the space station.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Imagine the atmosphere.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- LAUGHTER - Cut it with a knife.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36And one of them said, "I contemplated suicide
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- "when I was up there..."- Oh, God!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41"..but you can't hang yourself in space."
0:22:41 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:49 > 0:22:52At the end of that round the points go to Rob, Sara and Andy.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55CHEERING
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:23:01 > 0:23:02I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07The first subject is...
0:23:13 > 0:23:15And the Oscar goes to...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17a prison in South Africa.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22BUZZER SOUNDS
0:23:23 > 0:23:28Welcome to the National Taxi Driver Awards.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37And the winner of Spiritualist Medium of the Year goes to...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I'm getting a D. David, Duncan...
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Trevor! Trevor it is.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49And the Pride Of Britain Award goes to...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Scotland.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53BUZZER SOUNDS
0:23:55 > 0:23:58And the award goes to 12 Years A Slave
0:23:58 > 0:24:02for most challenging work experience placement.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08And the award for most dramatic pause in an awards ceremony
0:24:08 > 0:24:10goes to...
0:24:11 > 0:24:14LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Sadly, he can't be with us tonight,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25so to collect the award on his behalf,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Chief Inspector Harris of Operation Yewtree.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30BUZZER SOUNDS
0:24:32 > 0:24:35And the prize goes to Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Unfortunately, Dawn couldn't be here tonight
0:24:37 > 0:24:39so in order to collect the prize,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42please welcome Sharon of the Planet of the Apes.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51But I just have to say that I was shit and you should give it to Judy.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59And the award for most disappointing sound effect in a TV show goes to...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02BUZZER SOUNDS
0:25:02 > 0:25:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:07 > 0:25:10This is the Identity Theft Awards
0:25:10 > 0:25:13and I'm your host, Dara O Briain.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21And a spectacular entrance from Lady Gaga.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23She should probably cover that up.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32And the winner of this year's Academy Award is
0:25:32 > 0:25:36St Joseph's Academy, Prestatyn.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40BUZZER SOUNDS
0:25:41 > 0:25:46And here at the Sat Nav Awards, we'd like just to take a moment
0:25:46 > 0:25:48to remember the people we've lost this year.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Welcome to the National OCD Awards.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I've got a feeling someone's going to clean up tonight.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10Thank you for me awarding me Sexual Fetishist Of The Year!
0:26:10 > 0:26:15And let me tell you, this is going straight up my arse.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:17 > 0:26:19BUZZER SOUNDS
0:26:19 > 0:26:21OK, the next topic is...
0:26:27 > 0:26:32"This is the last time that we can be together," he said.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34"Aren't you going to say something?"
0:26:36 > 0:26:39HE BLEATS LIKE A SHEEP
0:26:42 > 0:26:45"Yes, yes, yes,"
0:26:45 > 0:26:46cried Alex Salmond.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53As Christian Grey tied her to the bed
0:26:53 > 0:26:56using some cotton stretch slacks
0:26:56 > 0:26:58and then started beating her around the back
0:26:58 > 0:27:01with some Sicilian Lemon Cheesecake,
0:27:01 > 0:27:05she suddenly realised that he was heavily into M&S.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:17"It's for you," she said, "my hair in a locket."
0:27:17 > 0:27:19"Oh, fuck it," he said,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21"I wanted that cough sweet."
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Harold ran his hand up Connie's thigh.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32She giggled, made a note of it
0:27:32 > 0:27:35and later on got £60,000 at a sexual harassment tribunal.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44I want your breasts, your legs, your thighs.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I'm on the phone to Nando's, love. What do you want?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53He searched her eagerly with his tongue,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56its tip exploring every crevice, every orifice.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00God, he loved being a customs officer.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Sarah's love made him feel like a young boy again,
0:28:17 > 0:28:18so he went off to find one.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25She found him on Tinder
0:28:25 > 0:28:26and lost him on Grindr.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:33When she was in the shower, he went through her iPhone
0:28:33 > 0:28:35and found something disgusting.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37She came out as he was leaving.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39"Come back, it wasn't me!
0:28:39 > 0:28:40"They gave them free to everyone!
0:28:40 > 0:28:42"I'd never download a U2 album."
0:28:47 > 0:28:52They gazed into each other's eyes and their thoughts were so in tune
0:28:52 > 0:28:55they both thought the exact same thing - "You'll do."
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Sean knew that the love of his life had to have a good sense of humour
0:29:03 > 0:29:06because while she was laughing she wouldn't be watching her drink.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09GASPS AND GROANS
0:29:09 > 0:29:11It's Sean! It's not even me, for God's sake!
0:29:11 > 0:29:15LAUGHTER
0:29:17 > 0:29:20He looked at her naked body
0:29:20 > 0:29:22and then he looked into her eyes.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24His heart started pounding
0:29:24 > 0:29:27and he felt a tingling sensation.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29What a shit time to have a coronary.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36For the first time in her life she reached a shuddering,
0:29:36 > 0:29:39juddering orgasm.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41She had no idea that such a thing could happen
0:29:41 > 0:29:45if you leant against the Hotpoint during the spin cycle.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53As Mr Darcy kissed her neck, she flushed angrily.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55"Get out, I'm having a shit!"
0:29:55 > 0:29:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:01 > 0:30:04At the end of that round the points go to Rob, Sarah and Andy!
0:30:04 > 0:30:07CHEERING
0:30:12 > 0:30:13And that's the end of the show.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16This week's winners are Andy Parsons,
0:30:16 > 0:30:17Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20CHEERING
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Commiserations to Romesh Ranganathan,
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29CHEERING
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.