0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh and Romesh Ranganathan,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:52We start with a round called
0:00:52 > 0:00:54"If this is the Answer, What is the Question?"
0:00:54 > 0:00:57On the board are six categories. Holly, which category would you like?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Can we have Home News?
0:00:59 > 0:01:04OK, Home News it is. The answer is "No." What...?
0:01:04 > 0:01:05LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:09What is that going to be about, Dara?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12I have no idea what story this could possibly refer to.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13What is the question, Holly?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Is it UKIP's immigration policy?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Is it do Man United have a defence?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Is it how should you not answer the question,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26"Did you pack these bags yourself?"
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Is it what is the least uttered word in a porn film?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Is it what did his friends call Nostradamus?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Is it, um, what type of oil painting is John Prescott?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Is it the answer to the question,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56"Do you want to be in my gang, my gang, my gang?"
0:01:56 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Is it can Tesco's financial director count?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Can I move you towards the correct answer?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Is it normal to take all your clothes off to have a poo?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Is it would Dara look sensible in a Fiat Cinquecento?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Is it do I have a tiny willy?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Thank you.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Is it once you're over 60, should you trust a fart?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Is it what the Scottish people said in the referendum?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43It was exactly that. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46APPLAUSE
0:02:46 > 0:02:50That's right, of course, the question I was looking for was,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53how did Scotland vote in last week's independence referendum?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56The vote, which had a remarkable turnout of nearly 85%,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58saw the No campaign win with 55.3% of the vote
0:02:58 > 0:03:01compared to the Yes campaign's 44.7%.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03What do you think swung it in the end, then?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I think it's probably that more people voted no than yes.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12That's the level of analysis we're very proud of.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15According to Alex Salmond, it was, you know, a lot of people
0:03:15 > 0:03:18over 55 in Scotland voted no.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21In fact, both of them voted no.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26The good thing about voting for an independent Scotland is once you've
0:03:26 > 0:03:29put your X in a box, you can cut it out and use it as a little flag.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I thought it was quite lucky for Alex Salmond in some ways
0:03:34 > 0:03:37that he didn't actually win, because I think if he had won,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41his grin might have been so big that he might have eaten himself.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46It was also swung supposedly by, there was a poll, one poll,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50that put the yes ahead, and they think that was a rogue poll.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52There was a YouGov poll that was 51-49.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56There would be one guy in the YouGov office who's had an awkward meeting
0:03:56 > 0:03:59where they went, "Terry, every poll, even the results,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"except your poll, Terry, who did you ask?"
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I love the phrase "Rogue Poll"
0:04:05 > 0:04:07because it sounds like an unwanted erection.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13It actually sounds like a Daily Mail headline.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Yeah, rogue poll. Rogue polls are ruining this country,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20ruining everything in Scotland. Unbelievable.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23It was so embarrassing for David Cameron just after this poll came out,
0:04:23 > 0:04:26suddenly he was like, "We'll give you loads of powers, honestly,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"and we'll give you cakes, it's going to be amazing. Please stay!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32"We'll really look after you, I promise, it's going to be incredible!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34"we're going to have a theme park and a roller coaster.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38"Please stay, please!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And now they've decided to stay and he's going,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44"Oh, yeah. I said a lot of things, didn't I?"
0:04:46 > 0:04:49What I didn't understand about the Scottish election thing was
0:04:49 > 0:04:52if the Scottish didn't want to be part of Great Britain,
0:04:52 > 0:04:53where were they going to live?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58APPLAUSE
0:05:00 > 0:05:02The big question which was asked on the night,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04and it was amazing how quickly this was asked...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07What was the major question that people were asking them on the night?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- It wasn't yes or no?- No, very quickly it became,
0:05:09 > 0:05:10"What does this mean for England?"
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Within ten minutes, Scotland was like,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"Hang on, we're still here, you know."
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Let's go back down to London and ask people what it means for England.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21"I think it means this for England." "Well, what do you think?"
0:05:21 > 0:05:26And Scotland's going, "Ahem! We've not even given you the results yet."
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Yeah, yeah, we know the gist.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30The Welsh have been complaining, though, fair enough,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33it was always going to be... the Scots got a Parliament
0:05:33 > 0:05:35and the Welsh have got an assembly, you know.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38The Scottish had a proper Parliament and the Welsh they just had
0:05:38 > 0:05:41a quick head count followed by singing Morning Is Broken.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45The Welsh are getting stroppy, actually.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I was in Cardiff in Waterstones recently
0:05:47 > 0:05:50and I asked for Pride And Prejudice and the bloke said,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53"I'm proud to be Welsh and I hate the English."
0:05:55 > 0:05:58It will never stop, so you get down to smaller and smaller areas,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59won't you, wanting power?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02There'll be referenda in smaller and smaller areas.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04It's the question in the referendum -
0:06:04 > 0:06:08in the north-east you couldn't have yes-no, instead it would have to be
0:06:08 > 0:06:10"aye" and "no",
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Essex would be "all right" and "bollocks to that"...
0:06:14 > 0:06:17..and in Kensington and Chelsea, it would be "Er...no"
0:06:17 > 0:06:19and "OMG Totes deffo yah".
0:06:19 > 0:06:22APPLAUSE
0:06:25 > 0:06:27In other news, what has Prince Charles said
0:06:27 > 0:06:30is the largest challenge facing the world today?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Is it narrow doorways and you get your ears caught
0:06:33 > 0:06:34as you walk through them?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It's climate change.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Yes, it's climate change rather than narrow doorways.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I thought it was ice buckets.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46It's not ice buckets. Are ice buckets the cause of climate change?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50No, but they are one of the biggest challenges in the world.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Everyone has to do it at some stage.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Charles is worried, apparently, because we've only got
0:06:56 > 0:06:59another 30 years until climate change might be irreversible,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02and he's therefore worried that it might ruin his coronation.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06This is Charles yesterday on the Royal Yacht,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09which is not quite as impressive as it used to be.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- Is this the summit in New York? - Yes, in New York.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16China and India have not turned up to the summit
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and they're like the worst ones for climate change, which is ridiculous.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22It's like Oscar Pistorius not going to an Oscar Pistorius trial
0:07:22 > 0:07:25and he's got the biggest carbon footprint going.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30APPLAUSE
0:07:30 > 0:07:33That's the thing, I like a bit of climate change, innit.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37In fact, I was in the garden yesterday, September, it's lovely.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40It's October soon, sitting in the garden still.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42No? Do you not have gardens?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46That is... That's weather, that's not climate.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Where does the weather come from? The climate.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51All I'm saying is if it goes up a bit, you know,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53it's not that hot in Lewisham,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55it's nice to have a couple of extra degrees.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- I'm glad you're having a nice day in the garden.- Thank you.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I'm sure there's a polar bear somewhere going, "All right, this seems to be getting smaller
0:08:01 > 0:08:05"but at least Lewisham is having a nice day's weather."
0:08:05 > 0:08:06We've had a rough few years
0:08:06 > 0:08:09and I'm not going to bump into him anyway, am I?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I would love if, ding dong,
0:08:11 > 0:08:15and you open your door and there's a polar bear there going, "RAAAA!"
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- To be fair...- Holding a tiny piece of ice under his arm.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"This is my house!"
0:08:22 > 0:08:25To be fair, because of the narrow doorways,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27he won't be able to get in anyway.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29APPLAUSE
0:08:33 > 0:08:36The United Nations, they are encouraging people to go vegetarian,
0:08:36 > 0:08:40aren't they? Because apparently one of the big problems
0:08:40 > 0:08:42with climate change is all these cows farting.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44So either we've got to eat less meat or give the cows
0:08:44 > 0:08:46a bit of Pepto-Bismol.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50I don't understand that because, like, if the cows farting
0:08:50 > 0:08:53is causing the problem, then surely eating them is the solution.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00APPLAUSE
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Do you think we're eating cows as a way of saving, you know...
0:09:05 > 0:09:10"Quick, eat all the cows before they fart us into a climate change."
0:09:10 > 0:09:14I'm speaking as a vegan, by the way.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20But there is a logical disconnect here, because, like, you know,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23you say that you don't want all these animals that are farting,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25but there is a point where you have to go, "What do we do,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"just release them into the public?"
0:09:27 > 0:09:30In the unlikely scenario that the rest of us who aren't vegan go,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"Do you know what? No. Knock it on the head.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"No more meat. No more beef."
0:09:34 > 0:09:39There'll be cattle farmers going, "What are we supposed to do with this lot, then?"
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"Just let them go. Let them go back into the wild where they belong."
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Feed them to the polar bears. That'll cheer them up.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48How is Paul McCartney trying to help cut emissions?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50He's doing a creepy rap.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54We can show the creepy rap, but I must warn you,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58once you've seen the creepy rap, you can't un-see the creepy rap.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It's one of those things, actually.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Yeah, it's a thing for Meat Free Monday that he wanted to do
0:10:02 > 0:10:05so he recorded a video and slipped into some unusual character
0:10:05 > 0:10:08towards the end. This is Paul McCartney's Meat Free Monday rap.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Please just log in.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15pledge.meatfreemondays - all one word - .com.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18pledge.meatfreemondays.com
0:10:18 > 0:10:21pledge.meatfreemondays.com
0:10:21 > 0:10:24pledge.meatfreemondays.com
0:10:24 > 0:10:27You can do it right now, please.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Do you know what, I don't mind the rapping,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36but the impression of my dad at the end...
0:10:38 > 0:10:42I'm not sure about Meat Free Monday, you know, like because,
0:10:42 > 0:10:45again, speaking as a vegan...
0:10:45 > 0:10:50- Oh, God...- Are you a vegan?
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Get on board, all right.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56You guys disgust me. You cheese-and-meat-eating pricks.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Anyway, please, every part of this show,
0:11:00 > 0:11:04preface every topic we do with, "As a vegan..."
0:11:05 > 0:11:06My point is, Dara, if I may...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09What do you do with pizza? How do you eat pizza?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I tell you what, pizza, nightmare.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Of course, you're missing a main ingredient.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15When I first became a vegan, I love pizza, I ordered a pizza,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17right, with no cheese. What I didn't realise is
0:11:17 > 0:11:21not only does cheese add flavour, it also has an adhesive quality.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24What I got was a box of bread with some vegetables in the corner of the box.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31APPLAUSE
0:11:33 > 0:11:37OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Holly and Andy.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39APPLAUSE
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Now we play a round called "English Jokes for English People."
0:11:45 > 0:11:47This game involves Romesh and Milton.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52This round is a stand up challenge.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04The first subject is Education. Who wants to come in on that?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Romesh.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Well, as a vegan...
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I wanted to supplement my son's education
0:12:16 > 0:12:18so I'm helping him to learn to read.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20It's one of the things that I'm doing
0:12:20 > 0:12:23and helping your child to read is one of the most magical
0:12:23 > 0:12:27and rewarding things that you can do as a parent, on day one.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33After that, it's one of the most frustrating, annoying...
0:12:33 > 0:12:38I'd rather punch myself in the face repeatedly than ever do this again activity that you can ever do.
0:12:38 > 0:12:44And let me tell you why. They do not care about making sense, right?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46They'll just read all the easy words
0:12:46 > 0:12:49and when they get to one they don't know, instead of trying,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52they just look at the picture and just throw something random
0:12:52 > 0:12:56into the sentence without any regard for what effect that has
0:12:56 > 0:13:00on what they're saying, and I'm supposed to not get angry
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I'm supposed to not get angry when my son goes,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07"Jack...went...strawberry."
0:13:09 > 0:13:13How could that be what it says? How could it be "Jack went strawberry."
0:13:13 > 0:13:14What are you talking about?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16What would that even look like?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18How could that be what it said? Tell me.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22I tell you what, if you think that's what it said, you go strawberry now.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Go on. OK, go strawberry, if that's what you think it said.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Stop crying, go strawberry. Go strawberry.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Why aren't you doing it? Go kiwi then, I don't give a shit.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34You're not doing it, are you? I'll tell you why not,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37because it doesn't make any bloody sense.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41My wife thinks I'm over-reacting.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Thank you very much, Romesh.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48OK, that leaves us with Milton,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51so let's see what you've been left with, Milton, let's spin the wheel.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54And the topic is Family.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08My uncle, he was a cruel man.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10He knew we lived in a bungalow
0:14:10 > 0:14:13and yet every year for Christmas we always got a Slinky.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19It's a miracle my sister's getting married,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I went to the printer's to get the invites and he said,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"What type face?" and I went...
0:14:28 > 0:14:29She seems to like him.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33My grandfather, during the war,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36he broke the Enigma code... machine.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44And then he went AWOL. That's not quite true, then he became an owl.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51My grandmother, she's been talking about downsizing, and now,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53she's in a little urn.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02My other grandmother, she was a children's writer.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06You may have seen her book, Jack Goes Strawberry.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17I haven't always been popular with my family, as a vegan.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24That doesn't normally work.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Recently, my family all clubbed together and got me a voucher
0:15:31 > 0:15:32for a clinic in Switzerland.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Thank you!
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Well done, points there go to Milton Jones. Come on back.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41APPLAUSE
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48I show the panel a topical image
0:15:48 > 0:15:50and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52So, what is going on here?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Is it an advert for Match.com?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Literally anybody can find love.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Is he saying, "Every time I look in the mirror I see a woman."
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Is he saying, apart from the doorframe and this coffee mug,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12is there superglue anywhere else?
0:16:17 > 0:16:21The caption probably says, "He wears blue twill non-iron
0:16:21 > 0:16:27"with button down collar, she wears a look of exasperation."
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Yes, that is his wife, Justine Thornton in the photograph.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Is his wife saying, "If I get rid of the spider, will you go back in?"
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Hey, hey, don't joke. Don't joke, it's spider season.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41There are some massive spiders knocking about.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Do you know why there are so many spiders now?
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Why are there so many spiders?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Because it's hot, because of climate change,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- that you're so thrilled about in Lewisham.- Oh, no!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Yeah, swings and roundabouts for Lewisham now, isn't it?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57"I can sit in me garden, but look!" Dum, dum, dum, this huge spider
0:16:57 > 0:16:59coming down the garden, all eight legs!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Is he saying, "In one hand I have a mug
0:17:03 > 0:17:06"and the other hand, I'm using to do a little re-shuffle."
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Tragically, he's probably saying,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13"Well, I put seven o'clock on the invite, it's nearly midnight."
0:17:20 > 0:17:22APPLAUSE
0:17:24 > 0:17:27All right, can somebody tell me what it actually is?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Is it something to do with the Labour Party Conference?
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Yeah, that's good enough. Of course it is, you are absolutely right,
0:17:34 > 0:17:38thank you very much, well done!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Yes, of course, it's a picture of Ed Miliband
0:17:42 > 0:17:45with his wife, Justine Thornton, who were in Manchester this week
0:17:45 > 0:17:47for the Labour Party Conference,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49giving a big speech on Tuesday afternoon, how is he doing?
0:17:49 > 0:17:54His current personal approval ratings are minus 46.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59The only place they are lower is within his own family.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Minus 46 sounds like the temperature in the North Pole
0:18:02 > 0:18:04which, apparently, is not cold enough!
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Yeah, but your mistake is, that's not climate change, mate,
0:18:08 > 0:18:09that's just the weather.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14The thing about Miliband, it's not what he says,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17it's just how he says it. He's just, "Guys, guys."
0:18:17 > 0:18:21It sounds like he's just a sneeze away from talking properly.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25He goes, "Guys. Guys."
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Because you think maybe if he has that sneeze, he might be
0:18:28 > 0:18:32a really passionate speaker. "Guys, guys,"
0:18:32 > 0:18:35"I swear down, yeah, we'll cut the deficit and get our country back.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39"Cameron, I'm coming for you, bruv! Vote Labour!"
0:18:42 > 0:18:45The problem is his speeches are boring, aren't they?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Let's be honest, political speeches are boring. Liven them up,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50stick 'em on a trampoline, because I would watch it.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54I think the trampoline plan would only work if the camera
0:18:54 > 0:18:56was at a height where he had to jump to get into shot.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- Yes!- That's a political speech.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04"I suggest...ten years of Labour... Government have left you..."
0:19:04 > 0:19:07You're suggesting that the Cirque Du Soleil take over...
0:19:07 > 0:19:10All I'm saying is more people would watch that than the speech.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12All sorts of things would be more interesting on a trampoline.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- Sex would be better on a trampoline....- What, with Ed Miliband?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- If you had sex on a trampoline... - Dave got in first.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22If you had sex on a trampoline, you could become a member
0:19:22 > 0:19:25of the ten foot high, no foot high, ten foot high, no foot high club.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27He's basically made it fun for the Tories
0:19:27 > 0:19:29because they can say anything they want, he's unelectable.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32They could do what the hell they want.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33"We're going to kill everyone."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"Yeah, but I'd rather that than vote Ed Miliband."
0:19:36 > 0:19:39So what changes does Ed Miliband propose to bring in about voting?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Is it that 16-year-olds can vote.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Yes, absolutely, 16-year-olds, and 17-year-olds,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46because that would be really weird if he just said 16-year-olds.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49"What? You're 17? No, you can't because you're hormonal again.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52"You're up, you're down, you're up, you're down."
0:19:52 > 0:19:53You could have a gap year.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55That would be great. A gap year from voting!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Listen, all young people are going to have a gap of about 40 years
0:19:58 > 0:19:59before they vote again anyway.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02It seems very fair you should be able to vote at 16 in Scotland,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04because 16 in a lot of places in Scotland,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07that counts as middle-aged, doesn't it, so...
0:20:07 > 0:20:10To be honest, at 16, I don't think I would have trusted myself,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14because my question would have been, "Will there be girls there?"
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"Yeah." "Oh, no!"
0:20:19 > 0:20:21They could poll at Babestation.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Poll Babestation.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Girls there miming voting. "Oh, yeah, X in the box."
0:20:29 > 0:20:31"You can X my box."
0:20:31 > 0:20:32"You can X my box."
0:20:32 > 0:20:36How about giving three-year-olds the vote and still having
0:20:36 > 0:20:38one ballot box but with four different shapes
0:20:38 > 0:20:40that they have to put things in.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42It would work as well as the system we have now.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45What do Labour want public sector employees to have to declare?
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Their class.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Their class, yes, or is it clar-ss?
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Which is it? Oh, no, I've given myself away. Or their cloos.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56There's two ways you can definitely find out
0:20:56 > 0:20:58if someone's working class in public sector jobs.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00One, put bingo pens in the stationery office
0:21:00 > 0:21:01and if they go, you know they're in,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04and the other one is to put on a coach trip,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06because my aunties, they'd go to Syria
0:21:06 > 0:21:08if there's a rest stop and a tour guide.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Love a coach trip, anywhere.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16Middle class people don't want to self identify as middle class.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Middle class people want to be, you know, because it's more authentic,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22where, you know, middle class, it's such a bland state of affairs.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26It's not bland. Have you tasted some of their food?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29There's a world of flavours going on in there, innit?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31It's not bland being middle class.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Have you mistaken middle class for Indian?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40"The naan's incredible!"
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"We call them nans."
0:21:46 > 0:21:49'Ere, you wait, we was in Birmingham the other week doing a gig
0:21:49 > 0:21:51and you had cream on top of your goulash.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Hang on, why are you eating goulash? Goulash, it's meat in goulash.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I'm not that much of an idiot, it was, er....
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"Can I have beef goulash but hold the beef?"
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Rob and I had an argument, a discussion,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13about the fact that I thought it would combine so much
0:22:13 > 0:22:16with the goulash that it rendered the situation untenable.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20but Rob said, "You got to scoop it out, mate, I don't know what's wrong with yer!"
0:22:20 > 0:22:24He starts going, "He's not a vegan, he's eating cream over here!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"I can't believe it, they ain't even heard of it in Lewisham!"
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Oh, we're such great mates.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34It's natural banter, that's why we put five people
0:22:34 > 0:22:36in between the two of you.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE
0:22:39 > 0:22:44OK, at the end of that round, points go to Romesh, Holly and Andy!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see
0:22:54 > 0:22:56what our panellists can come up with.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58OK, here we go.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59The first subject is...
0:23:05 > 0:23:08As I report from my sixth day here in war-torn Syria,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I think the lesson learned is I should never have called my producer a wanker.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19According to statistics, the French economy is now the weakest growing
0:23:19 > 0:23:21of all the economies in Europe.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22HE CHUCKLES CRUELLY
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Sport now, all Manchester United fans, please look away.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36You've reached Al Jazeera News,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40which means, you're only 20 channels away from actually finding porn.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Here, you'll never guess who's dead.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Just time now to see what the papers say.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58RUSTLING
0:24:01 > 0:24:05We will now attempt to talk to the survivors of the cliff fall.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You all right, mate?
0:24:17 > 0:24:21After the fire in the aromatherapy candle factory,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23the situation is now calm.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30And now over to our foreign correspondent.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35"Do you speak...English?"
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Now it's time for the news near you.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Hello!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54There are human remains on the blood-stained streets
0:24:54 > 0:24:56and a despair in the eyes of everyone you meet.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Rob Beckett for BBC News, Magaluf.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06There continues to be heavy shelling here.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Romesh Ranganathan at the peanut factory.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19And now it's over to our toys and games correspondent,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Natasha KerPlunksky.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29And eventually the sun will go supernova,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32the Earth will become dark and frozen
0:25:32 > 0:25:34and everyone will die.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38That was the long range weather forecast.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46To my right, in my peripheral vision,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Andy Parsons is showing us his penis.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50More on that as it unfolds.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01We go over now to our vegan correspondent.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06I'm terribly sorry, he appears to have gone strawberry.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14And David Cameron has delivered on all of his promises
0:26:14 > 0:26:16to the Scottish people.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's papers.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26So, The Times and The Telegraph lead with industrial strife,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29And in The Sun, we can see that Caroline from Dagenham
0:26:29 > 0:26:31has got a terrific pair of norks.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36OK, the next topic is...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I'm sorry I know nothing about the inner workings of the human body.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Honestly, hand on my heart...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I'm Dr Christian, and remember,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54however embarrassing your condition is,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57you'll never look as weird as I do.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Health officials have shut down the village fete,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07apparently there was an outbreak of tombola.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I think we've got the balance about right here.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17The hospital is clean but the nurses are filthy.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24We'll be starting the procedure by numbing your breasts.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Num, num, num, num, num!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Well, that really is an enormous growth, Mr Thomas,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44I think it might be better to leave it and remove you.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Please let me assure you that it's perfectly normal and
0:27:54 > 0:27:57the swelling will go down, it's just that I find you really attractive.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03And if you've been affected by any of the issues
0:28:03 > 0:28:07on Embarrassing Bodies tonight, think how I feel, I had to touch it.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13So if you'd like to bend over,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15I'm just going to check your prostate.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20It may be slightly uncomfortable. I'm going in now.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Look, no hands!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Now our next guest, believe it or not,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33is both a poo and a lice inspector.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Sorry, police inspector.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Of course I know what I'm doing, give me the de-fribulator.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44I'm going to de-frib something.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Yes, I'm afraid it's the big C.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55Yep, Jeremy Hunt is paying the hospital a visit.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03This week on Embarrassing Bodies...
0:29:03 > 0:29:05FIFA.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13I'm afraid there's been a problem with your X-ray,
0:29:13 > 0:29:16he's put a sex tape of you up on the internet.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24This is where obese people need to step up to the plate...
0:29:24 > 0:29:25step away from the plate.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31So, I'm off to give blood or, as I like to call it,
0:29:31 > 0:29:33self-harm for a biscuit.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38People say give blood, give blood,
0:29:38 > 0:29:41but it really freaked the kids out on Christmas morning.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Welcome to another episode of Bush Doctors,
0:29:49 > 0:29:51or as I call them, gynaecologists.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59In just one week, on a lads' holiday, Kevin got an STD,
0:29:59 > 0:30:02had his stomach pumped, and lost a finger. Legend!
0:30:03 > 0:30:05OK, at the end of end of that round,
0:30:05 > 0:30:07the points go to Romesh, Holly and Andy!
0:30:07 > 0:30:09APPLAUSE
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And that's the end of the show.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20This week's winners are Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones!
0:30:23 > 0:30:27Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh and Romesh Ranganathan!
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.