0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:14# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it, read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world, news of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Read all about it, read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world, news of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:33APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Hello, everyone. Welcome to Christmas, with me, your Uncle Dara.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41This year, we wanted to make Mock The Week extra special,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43so we thought about top celebrity guests,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46spectacular firework displays, and live music.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48However, that stuff costs money.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51So we just went for the usual collection of outtakes,
0:00:51 > 0:00:52new stuff and best bits.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55It'll be great, you can trust your Uncle Dara.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57What do you think? Yeah.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Is that too creepy is it? That is too creepy, isn't it? Yeah.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02LAUGHTER
0:01:02 > 0:01:05We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09On the board are six categories. Ed, which category would you like?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Sport, please.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14OK, the category is Sport, and the answer is 33.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16What is the question?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Is it how many pages in a Game of Thrones scripts are just
0:01:19 > 0:01:21the word "tits" in massive letters?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Is it what is the emoticon for two women in a queue?
0:01:29 > 0:01:34Is it the number of women I slept with in my 20s, plus 32?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Is it how many children you have to have
0:01:38 > 0:01:42to qualify for a family ticket at Mormon Center Parcs?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Is it at what age did I finally accept that
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I would never play the Milky Bar Kid?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- Did you really want to do that? - Another dream dies.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- I've got three years to go. - Finally accepted it.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04How many cans of Fosters can you drink and still be below,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08under the limit? How can... That doesn't...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I don't know. How many have you had, like?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12That's the way you wouldn't want to say it
0:02:12 > 0:02:14if you'd actually been stopped by the police.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16"How much have you had to drink?"
0:02:16 > 0:02:18"Well, how many Fosters can you have,
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- "and be under the limit, actually?" - "I think you'll find I am below under the limit.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25"NOT above.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27"Aaaah."
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Is it after how many miles did one of the Proclaimers ask
0:02:31 > 0:02:33if they were nearly there yet?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35APPLAUSE
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Surely they'd go, "Why are we both going?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"You're the only one who's going to shag her,
0:02:42 > 0:02:47"why am I joining you on this 500-mile journey?"
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"You promised me she had a friend. Is that right?"
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Is it if a minicab says that it's five minutes away,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- how many minutes... - LOUD BANG
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Oh!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Don't talk bad about Uber.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01APPLAUSE
0:03:05 > 0:03:10Well, the minicab industry has long fingers, hasn't it?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I think we've all learned that today.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14APPLAUSE
0:03:14 > 0:03:15And little bits of glass.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Well, from now on I'm taking a black cab.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21APPLAUSE
0:03:21 > 0:03:24To be fair, there is a little bit of glass, look, a tiny bit there.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Oh, really?- Sue! Injuries at work! - Oh, my God!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"Have you been injured at work?"
0:03:29 > 0:03:32You've probably been the voiceover for those ads,
0:03:32 > 0:03:33why don't you ask yourself?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"I had 33 Fosters, and then the light exploded!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I'm going to check with you, what do you think?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- BEHIND CAMERA:- They're happy. - They're happy? Oh, THEY'RE happy!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Well, fine! Oh, grand! - Oh, that's all right!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Oh, brilliant, yeah! - We'll just carry on!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52That's so easy for YOU to say! Oh, right, OK.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54We're being shelled here!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Is it how many people are going to be sacked after that light exploded?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01APPLAUSE
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Welcome to this year's Christmas Quiz.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Yes, I know, I know. APPLAUSE
0:04:14 > 0:04:17We have... Oh, wait, sorry, hang on, I'll need to make it more special.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Hang on. There. How's that? That's good, isn't it?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Wait, does that... That's not going to last.- I like the shoes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26The shoes are good, aren't they? And this, I spent ages on this.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28This is... There we go, look at that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32It looks like wraps of heroin stuck on a tree.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35There will be a very happy Christmas round my house, thank you very much.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38What have you got in your stocking? A spoon and a lighter?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44OK, here's the question. In Catalonia, in Spain,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47nativity scenes often feature a rogue figure who is doing what?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- Having a kip?- No.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Drawing a moustache on the sleeping baby Jesus.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53No, but that would be quite great.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Bullfighting! Not bullfighting, no.- It's Spain, isn't it?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Yeah, but not in the middle of... The nativity scene is not IN Spain.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01They do accept that that's not happening in Spain.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Is he holding people hostage and arguing for Catalan independence?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08He's not. He's not doing that, no.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Is he doing a little poo?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Yes, he's doing a poo, well done, Rob, you're absolutely right.- What?!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Give Rob a round of applause. Well done, Rob, points to you.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17APPLAUSE
0:05:17 > 0:05:18The great thing about that is
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Rob has tried to answer a question like that for many years.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23That's the first one he's got right.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25That's my, my default answer is, "Is he doing a poo?"
0:05:25 > 0:05:27And that's the only time it's worked out for me.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30It dates back to the early 18th century, The Shitter, he's known.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32He symbolises fertilising the ground,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35and he's in the nativity scene, the corner of the nativity scene.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I thought that I had a bad role in my school nativity play.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41But that is the one you don't want to draw, isn't it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44"Not again! Can I at least be an angel this time?"
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Has anybody noticed Dara's eye, by the way? Is it off-putting?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Do you think the people at home will be concerned?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- What has happened? - It's just a little stye in there, and it's got infected...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Is that really it?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- No, it's a...- Has Brian Cox been beating you again?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06"Look into the telescope," he said, "Look hard into the telescope."
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- And he bruised my eye ramming it in. - Boosh!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"Yeah, go on, look at that! "Ha-ha, that'll hurt you."
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"That's my good eye, Brian, that's my good eye!"
0:06:14 > 0:06:16He's just trying to turn you into Patrick Moore.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:24They were so worried, they gave me an eye patch.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Thought like this would be...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Because this would be much more subtle, if I wear that.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30If I presented the entire show like that,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32cos I've got a tiny infection in the eye.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34To be fair, I have...
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Do you know, I have a secret desire to have an eye patch.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I don't want to ever lose an eye.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Like, that's not how much I want to have an eye patch,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43but I think they're cool.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46And there's something massively impressive.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Cos a guy with an eye patch, shit has happened.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Cos also you can do this...
0:06:52 > 0:06:53(Sexy!)
0:06:56 > 0:06:59It's like the final part of undressing in a sexy way,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01would be to take off the eye patch, and thwack.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03You could've taken my eye out.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07What unusual present might people be giving this Christmas?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Oh...- Dead seagull?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Have you ruined the surprise?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20You are the worst Secret Santa ever.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24MAKES DISTRESSED SEAGULL NOISES "Kill it the first time, for God's sake, kill it."
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I think it's... I think it's actually sperm, isn't it?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- It is sperm, yes, it is sperm, yeah. - But this...
0:07:29 > 0:07:30That is not an unusual gift.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33APPLAUSE
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Horrific return policy.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41APPLAUSE
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"You said 14 days." AUDIENCE GROANS
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Oh, you've lowered the tone, Dara!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- What?! How have- I- ruined it?!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01But why is this... What is this a story about?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Because there's a British sperm bank, which, its owner,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07since it's been set up - I don't know how long it's been set up,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09it's a while, it's like a year and a half or something.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- Yeah, yeah. - It's only had nine donors.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Yes. Why has it only had...?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I'm wondering who the other eight are.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Do you not all meet up?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I presume if there's nine donors, it's got to meet up every,
0:08:20 > 0:08:25well, every Christmas and New Year and go, oh, swap stories, and...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Not for biscuits, though.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29AUDIENCE GROANS
0:08:29 > 0:08:34This is that there's a certain type of sperm that can withstand
0:08:34 > 0:08:37the freezing process, and they call it Superman Sperm.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39When really that should be Han Solo sperm.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42That is a niche reference,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45but three nerds just fell in love with me.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You get paid 35 quid, and they were saying,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49well, they could up the money to get more donors,
0:08:49 > 0:08:53but they don't want people just doing it for the money.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Oh, THAT'S what you want, though,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57people just doing it for the love of it, then, do you?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59"I want to give something back to this game, you know what I mean?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"Yeah, my dad was a sperm donor, my grandad was a sperm donor,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"we've got a long line of sperm donors, yeah."
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Is it 35 quid for the whole lot, or 35 quid per sperm?- No.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Because I could be up, I could be maybe 160 quid.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14There could be somebody watching this as a Christmas Special
0:09:14 > 0:09:17who'd forgotten to give somebody a present and thought,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19"Brilliant! Now! I can do it...!"
0:09:19 > 0:09:21"I'll knock that up in a couple of days. It'll be fine."
0:09:21 > 0:09:22That's difficult at Christmas,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- because you're using the turkey baster already, aren't you? - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:09:26 > 0:09:27No, there is... But it's actually,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30they've had a number of people attempt to be sperm donors,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32they need regular sperm donations, but it's difficult,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34because they have to be frozen, then transferred,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37the sperm has to have a very high motility, a very high strength.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- But it's not very difficult to be the donor?- No, it is, it's hard to qualify...
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- In many ways it's the easiest job in the world.- In many, yes.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Well, no, because you've got to go in, haven't you? Into the bank.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50I don't know about anyone else, I do most of my banking online now, so...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52APPLAUSE
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:10:01 > 0:10:04and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- AS CHARLES:- Ha-ha-ha - oh, God, I hate Christmas parties.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Oh, no, things are looking up. Girl on girl. Ha-ha.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16What's round this corner?
0:10:16 > 0:10:21Oh, Joanna Lumley, I'd love to show you something absolutely fabulous!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- AS CAMILLA, VERY DEEP VOICE: - Have you got a fag?
0:10:25 > 0:10:29So, what is this? This is... It's a present, is it? How lovely.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31What is it, a transparent rhinoceros?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Well, I tell you what, you have quite literally given me the horn.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Well, no, happy Christmas to both of you.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I'm much more interested in Joanna.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46Joanna, I've got use of a private room, if you're interested?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Oh, God, Charles is flirting again.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I'm just popping upstairs for a few moments, Joanna.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Room 232 on the 1st floor.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00I've got an old Gurkha you might be interested in.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Why were you so long?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I'm so sorry, I was trying to get Joanna
0:11:06 > 0:11:10interested in some of my organic produce, but nothing doing.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13What the fuck is this?!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I'm the Prince of Wales!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Oh, well, I suppose it's green. Oh, never mind.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Where's the handbook? Oh, that's interesting.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24This is all electric,
0:11:24 > 0:11:28but its emissions are still higher than a Volkswagen.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Merry Christmas!
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Thank you very much, Hugh. APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:40One thing you're supposed to do,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42if you've got, like, a stye or something,
0:11:42 > 0:11:43you're supposed to put a warm compress on.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Which is actually a painful thing,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47you get a cloth and you get it all wet, ugh.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50And then you're doing this, because the water's running everywhere.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I found the perfect thing if you want a warm compress,
0:11:52 > 0:11:56something that will just sit warm, moulded on your eye, is a burrito.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00The burrito is the perfect eye cure, because it's warm,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- it stays warm for some time. - Oh, my God!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04It moulds to the shape that you're putting it onto.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Yeah, yeah, yeah.- Anything in it?
0:12:06 > 0:12:10No, not... It's not an open burrito, Ed! Wrapped in the stuff, right?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Wrapped in the tinfoily thing, you get it, you put it on,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14and you can do it for as long as you want and then...
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Were you sat in Chipotle, like that?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I went into one of those Mexican places and just sat there going,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21COD MEXICAN ACCENT: "Just give me whatever you want."
0:12:21 > 0:12:24And I went, "This is what I want this for."
0:12:24 > 0:12:26And they said, "Why are you doing that voice?"
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I have no idea why I did that voice.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"Get out of here, you're mocking me!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"You don't see me going into an Irish bar going,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35"'Ho-ho, give us a pint of Guinness.'"
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Was the burrito the first port of call,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41or were you doing all the different food types?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Going into Pizza Express, "This isn't working for me."
0:12:43 > 0:12:46No, first I tried ramming a plate of nachos into my eye,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49and I thought, "This does NOT work."
0:12:49 > 0:12:51And then, "Shall I try the taquitos instead?"
0:12:51 > 0:12:54And at what point do you think it became infected?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56APPLAUSE
0:12:58 > 0:13:02If you listen closely, you can hear, SINGS MEXICAN TUNE
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"Merry Christmas, everybody."
0:13:06 > 0:13:09What have scientists in America created recently?
0:13:09 > 0:13:14They've connected together monkeys and rats to make super-brains.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Monkeys and monkeys and rats and rats, they've not taken one of each, yeah.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- Yes, it's not a mix together. - That would be incredible, though. - "Monkey Rat is here!"
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Yeah, what we've got here is a runkey, and it's...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27That's like a racial slur.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30But there's a science thing where they want to connect monkeys
0:13:30 > 0:13:32and create a giant monkey, but a man is living a prequel.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35This man's entire life is the five-minute bit
0:13:35 > 0:13:38at a film before it cuts to, "30 years later..."
0:13:38 > 0:13:41And there's, like, a giant monkey brain going, "Waaagh!"
0:13:41 > 0:13:44And the four remaining humans are fighting their way out,
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- like they... But, yes. AUDIENCE MEMBER:- As long as there's no runkey business!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50"As long as there's no monkey business,"
0:13:50 > 0:13:53shouts somebody out from the audience. That's very good.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Wow, between light bulbs and heckling,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58this is turning into the most interactive episode we've ever had.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I must say I actually quite like that, can I just have that?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Yeah, take it, it's grand. - As long as there's no...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Showbiz rules, pet, it's tough, you know. What was that?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07As long as there's no monkey business!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Touche, Romesh, yeah. APPLAUSE
0:14:12 > 0:14:14You've learned a cruel lesson there.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- She actually said runkey business. - Did she say runkey?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- She said runkey, you did it wrong. - AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Runkey!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Oh, OK, right.- Oh, shut up!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Here is a picture of Prince Harry with his brother William.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28What's going on here?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Is that what Ron, Harry and Hermione will look like in ten years?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Is it three of the least posh people at the rugby match?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Is he singing, "Swing low, eight liveried footmen,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"coming for to carry me home?"
0:14:45 > 0:14:48My favourite person in the whole picture is the guy in front of Kate.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Everyone else is really getting into the game.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54That guy there is just remembering a woman he once loved.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56APPLAUSE
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Anyone know what the answer is?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Basically, they're playing Paloma Faith and he's shouting,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"Shut the fuck up."
0:15:08 > 0:15:12There's that big rivalry between the two of them, apparently,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14cos they're both brothers.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I think we can all relate to that. We can all relate to it.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I have a massive rivalry with Prince William.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Why don't you get on with him? - He started it, mate, he's a dick.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Don't ask me. I'm quite nice to him.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Where did you meet him?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Where?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Lidl.- Lidl?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37You can pretty much find anything in Lidl.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Including the future King of England.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46He was...he was next to a Polly Pocket and a waffle machine.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- And...- Was this Lidl in the '80s? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Polly Pocket and a waffle machine!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Yeah, Polly Pocket, a waffle maker...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Wham were playing, or what?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Prince William and some raisins, and I said...
0:15:58 > 0:16:03Sorry, you sound like someone at the end of the Generation Game failing to remember the items.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Yeah, yeah.- Was there a cuddly toy knocking about?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07We apparently have to move on.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:11But I was flying!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- He was in mid-flow! - I know, I'm sorry. It was...
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Tell them you just trust me, I'm building up to something.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I'm watching a man... APPLAUSE
0:16:27 > 0:16:29What toy will my kids be finding under the Christmas tree?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I don't want to give it away in case my kids are watching.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- That would be really bad, wouldn't it?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38This is the current trend, let me see if I can get that lined up
0:16:38 > 0:16:40so we get it exactly right. This is Freddy.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44And Freddy is a programmable bear that you can get at Christmas.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- And...- Just like a real bear, it's programmable.- Yeah.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- BEAR:- 'Everyone likes a good hug.'
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Do they now?
0:16:51 > 0:16:52'Give me a hug.'
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- No. That's a bit needy. - 'I love bear hugs.'
0:16:55 > 0:16:58BEAR LAUGHS WITH CHILD'S VOICE
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Isn't that the creepiest, weirdest...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Laughs with a different voice to the voice it talks with.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Brought to you by the people who brought you the Blair Witch Project.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13It's a bit distant, I feel. A bit not fully committed, but you can programme it
0:17:13 > 0:17:16with phrases, which apparently they've programmed for you.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18'It's so very nice to see you again, Dara.'
0:17:20 > 0:17:22"It's so very nice to you see you."
0:17:22 > 0:17:27That's like something Vincent Price would say in a horror film.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29'Hello, my friend Dara.'
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Can you make it say, "It puts the lotion in the basket?"
0:17:32 > 0:17:35APPLAUSE
0:17:35 > 0:17:38'You really like to star-gaze with Brian Cox.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41'What else do you like about the park?'
0:17:41 > 0:17:44All right, you're creepy now, you're really freaking me out.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- You know stuff about me. - 'This is a great day, Dara.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51'We are going to have such fun together.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54'It's great to have a friend like you to talk to.'
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Oh, that's so depressing.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00No. That makes me want to cry.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03I wish I'd never done the voiceover for it now.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08But where are these phrases supposed to be coming from, then?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Well, I think...- "Don't turn me off, Dara. If you turn me off,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"I'll become more powerful than you can ever imagine..."
0:18:14 > 0:18:17At the back, you can do one of the settings and change it, let's see what this is.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19This would be an incredible burglar alarm.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Imagine breaking into someone's house
0:18:21 > 0:18:24and then that's sitting at the top of the stairs saying, "Hello...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"Why are you in my house? I died in 1834."
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Dara, can you use its hair to see what you would look like
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- with a wispy, blonde beard? - You mean like this?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- That's lovely. - It's nice, isn't it, yeah.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39'I know you like to eat, too.'
0:18:39 > 0:18:41What?! LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- It totally said, "I would like to eat you."- It totally DID say, "I would like to eat you."
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I am really freaked out by the bear now.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54'Cider is one of my favourites, too.'
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"Cider is one of my favourite drinks?"
0:18:56 > 0:18:58'..great friends together.'
0:18:58 > 0:19:00No, we're not having a pint of cider together,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02you threatened to eat me a second ago.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- 'I like cider.'- You like cider? THE BEAR LAUGHS
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Arrgh!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10But it still laughs like a Japanese schoolgirl.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Perfectly calibrated for being freaky, this is...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18'Someone told me you like to wear tiny hats.'
0:19:18 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Someone told me you like what?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Someone told me you like to wear tiny hats.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Is that a euphemism for a condom? - LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:28No!
0:19:30 > 0:19:34How has internet pornography been put to good use recently?
0:19:34 > 0:19:35This is the tortoise, isn't it?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- It's a tortoise, yes. - The tortoise, this tortoise went...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- Well, two tortoises made a run for it.- Yeah.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43One of them returned very soon, but the other one had gone walkabout,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- they weren't sure where it was. - Yeah.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50So this family, the kids suggested that they play some,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53this YouTube clip of two tortoises like, going at it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And then they, the sounds, they played the sounds into the garden,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58and then eventually this tortoise came back.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00The family decided to play tortoise...
0:20:00 > 0:20:06There's things on YouTube, like, nature, documentary-type footage of tortoises making lurve.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- And... - Making sweet, sweet, wrinkly lurve.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14Slow, slow, careful, precarious lurve.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21- And we can show you a small clip. - Yes! This is it!
0:20:21 > 0:20:25You'll see some scenes of quite serious tortoise on tortoise action.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27The man tortoise gets quite excited, and then you'll see
0:20:27 > 0:20:31the response of the lady tortoise, which is quite beautiful.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Let's have a look at some beautiful images of tortoises at love.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37LABOURED WHEEZING
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Ugh...
0:20:39 > 0:20:40What end's that?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46APPLAUSE
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I know that that's tortoises, I know that that's tortoises,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58but can you see what it's like from our point of view now?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:04And they are joking, "Could you link it to Christmas?"
0:21:04 > 0:21:06What?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Could the tortoises have been banging at Christmas?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14"The tortoises, which were a Christmas present..."
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- There you are. - Oh, yes, you're right, yeah.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Because there's nothing you like more than having to show
0:21:19 > 0:21:22pornography to your Christmas present to get it back.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"Oh, Mum, I've lost me Transformers doll."
0:21:27 > 0:21:29"Oh, Optimus Prime!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32"Watch me transform again."
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"Oh, is that an exhaust pipe?" "Sort of."
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Don't put the tortoise up again! With his weird eyes.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43# We wish you a merry Christmas we wish you a merry Christmas... #
0:21:43 > 0:21:46And a haaaaa-appy New Year!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48But who's going to turn on the TV at Christmas
0:21:48 > 0:21:51and just see Romesh's Christmas spirit face? Look at that.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53APPLAUSE
0:21:54 > 0:21:56He loves Christmas, this one.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00I'm just waiting when you're going to do a fucking Diwali special, mate, that's why.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02APPLAUSE
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Is that the Festival of the Light?
0:22:06 > 0:22:10We've had a bit of a festival of the light ourselves, haven't we?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:17What has become a Christmas tradition for vandals
0:22:17 > 0:22:19in the Swedish town of Gavle?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Christmassy vandalism.- Christmassy vandalism, we're getting close.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I'll give you a clue, it's to do with a 42-foot high
0:22:25 > 0:22:27straw goat that's in the town square.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- They burn it.- Setting fire to the goat.- Cremate it.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32They burn it down - you got in slightly before him -
0:22:32 > 0:22:36they burn it down. And they burn it down EVERY YEAR, they burn it.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39It started in 1966, and it got burnt down.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42And the guy who paid for it, like, a local businessman,
0:22:42 > 0:22:43got all his money back on insurance.
0:22:43 > 0:22:471969, burnt down. 1970, burnt down.
0:22:47 > 0:22:511972, the goat collapsed because of sabotage.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Every year they rebuild the straw goat. 1974, burnt down.
0:22:55 > 0:22:591976, hit by a car.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04'78, kicked to pieces, '79 burnt before it was even put up.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06'83, burnt down, '84, burnt down.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09'87, a heavily fire-proofed goat was built.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12It got burnt down a week before Christmas.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14'89, burnt down.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17'91, burnt down on Christmas Eve, then moved to Stockholm,
0:23:17 > 0:23:18burnt down again.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21'92, burnt down eight days after it was built.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23There are two goats now
0:23:23 > 0:23:26and the second one got burnt down three days later.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Every year... And they don't want it to happen!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32They put web cameras on it, they send the army around it.
0:23:32 > 0:23:362001, it was set on fire, the 23rd of December by Laurence Jones,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39a 51-year-old visitor from Cleveland, Ohio.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Jones stated in court, he was no goat burner, but believed
0:23:45 > 0:23:49he was taking part in a completely legal goat-burning tradition.
0:23:51 > 0:23:552003, burnt down. 2004, burnt down, 2001, like, whatever.
0:23:55 > 0:23:592002, was burnt by vandals dressed as Santa and the Gingerbread Man,
0:23:59 > 0:24:04who fired a flaming arrow at it at 9pm on the 3rd of December.
0:24:04 > 0:24:072011, the firefighters of Gavle sprayed the goat with water
0:24:07 > 0:24:10to create a coating of ice in the hope of protecting it from arson.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12The goat was burnt down.
0:24:12 > 0:24:162013, the straw used to build the goat was soaked in anti-flammable
0:24:16 > 0:24:20liquid to prevent it from burning in the event of an arson attack.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23The inauguration took place on the 1st of December.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26On the 21st of December, the goat was burnt down.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28APPLAUSE
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Last year, three attempts at arson were made,
0:24:32 > 0:24:37but the goat survived and was dismantled on 29th December. CHEERING
0:24:40 > 0:24:45- The Gavle goat.- And that is the Christmas episode, goodnight.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Has anyone ever made a doll of you for Christmas?- Oh, you...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Because now I think there would be.- They would, yeah.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- It would be really good.- Not even a bobblehead, just an entire bobble,
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- just bobbing me and I'm bobbing. - Could be a Russian doll.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58There would be another smaller one inside of me, all bobbing.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01A smaller one and then a smaller one inside that and so on.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Yes.- Yeah. I think you'd be the right sort of shape for that.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- What?!- I don't mean it. - That was nice!
0:25:06 > 0:25:11- There was no way to say, "You're the right shape to be a Russian doll." - You were saying, "You fat prick,
0:25:11 > 0:25:15"you look so big there's probably another person inside of you." LAUGHTER
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# One singular sensation... #
0:25:26 > 0:25:28All right. APPLAUSE
0:25:28 > 0:25:33These are allegations that have been made about Sepp Blatter, but he has denied them all.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:50In other news, what type of unusual theme park did
0:25:50 > 0:25:52President Vladimir Putin open recently?
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- I'm sorry about the Russian doll thing, Dara.- Just let it go.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Stop doing that!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Oh, no, no, no!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Do not damage the magical Christmas...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Arrrggghhh! CHEERING
0:26:11 > 0:26:13OK, how has the behaviour of Western tourists upset
0:26:13 > 0:26:15people in Malaysia recently?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Erm, well, I've got... - LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:22You saw that, didn't you? You saw the way I obviously didn't go
0:26:22 > 0:26:24straight to the only remaining person.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:34This is the br...bll... Oh, bollocks!
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Oh, I'm back!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42This is the Bruce... Argh!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44APPLAUSE
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Hey, hey, hey!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50There's really good heroin on this, don't knock the tree down.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Oh, look, it's snowing.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55CHEERING
0:26:55 > 0:26:57We win!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Hang on. HE SNIFFS AND COUGHS
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Sorry, sorry. AUDIENCE GROANS
0:27:03 > 0:27:06I've got a cold, all right? Jesus!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Oh, you're all so much better than me,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10you've never had a cold, right?!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Obama versus Putin, let the lip-sync... Fucking hell!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER
0:27:18 > 0:27:21What unusual present might people be giving this Christmas?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23That's right, jizz!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Sorry, can anyone tell me why, you know,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30sperm would be a Christmassy thing?
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Because it is Christmassy, you can write on the windows with it...
0:27:35 > 0:27:38APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- Put it on again.- Put it on again? - The eye patch, put it on again. - Again?- Go on.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42"Oh, you look funny, you look funny.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44"Do the thing where you look funny again."
0:27:44 > 0:27:47You know when they made you look like the guy off the back
0:27:47 > 0:27:50of a fucking bus, and for three years everyone sends you
0:27:50 > 0:27:52photographs of a cartoon man on the back of the bus?
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Every day on Twitter, "Hey, Dara, I saw you in Manchester today."
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"Huh?" Click. "Oh, bollocks, that's the man on the back of the bus again."
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Do that with an eye patch, and then for years every
0:28:02 > 0:28:05eye patch person in the universe, I will get sent him on Twitter.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Happy? There. I think on my nose, is that all right?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Is that all right? Oh, I hurt my nose.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15So I'll just... Oh, wow, it looks like I'm wearing a G-string.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18If the marketing people are clever, that bloke on the back
0:28:18 > 0:28:20of the Megabus is going to have an eye patch by next week.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:30The next topic is, Unlikely Things To Hear At Christmas.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32I don't care how many presents he's left,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35there's reindeer shit all over the roof!
0:28:35 > 0:28:38BUZZER
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Look at those shiny red baubles.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Welcome to the Embarrassing Bodies Christmas Special.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45BUZZER
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Well, I didn't know what size you were, so I just had to guess.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52There you go. Your first packet of condoms.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54BUZZER
0:28:55 > 0:28:57And now on BBC One, the Queen's Speech,
0:28:57 > 0:29:00which contains scenes of a sexual nature.
0:29:00 > 0:29:01APPLAUSE
0:29:01 > 0:29:03BUZZER
0:29:04 > 0:29:07A crib full of straw?
0:29:07 > 0:29:09No, I asked to see the manager.
0:29:12 > 0:29:13BUZZER
0:29:16 > 0:29:18I thought if I cut the legs off the turkey,
0:29:18 > 0:29:20I'd be able to get it into the roasting tray easier,
0:29:20 > 0:29:24but, if anything, it just made it flap about even more!
0:29:24 > 0:29:25BUZZER
0:29:27 > 0:29:31Mmm! It's lovely to have venison for a change.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Santa, how are you getting home?
0:29:36 > 0:29:38BUZZER
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Well, take a skewer and shove it into a meaty bit of the thigh,
0:29:41 > 0:29:44and if she screams, Granny's asleep, not dead.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48BUZZER
0:29:53 > 0:29:54Oh!
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Sorry, Tiny Tim.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59APPLAUSE
0:30:01 > 0:30:03BUZZER
0:30:05 > 0:30:07OK, and then David Cameron leaves the room
0:30:07 > 0:30:10and the pig head winks, smiles and blows a little kiss.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13And that is my idea for the new John Lewis ad.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17BUZZER
0:30:17 > 0:30:20These sprouts are from Germany.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22They lied about the emissions again.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25BUZZER
0:30:26 > 0:30:29So do you mean I need batteries for all of these?
0:30:29 > 0:30:33That's the last time I go Ann Summers for Christmas!
0:30:33 > 0:30:34BUZZER
0:30:35 > 0:30:38No, no, no - I didn't PUT a penny in the Christmas pudding,
0:30:38 > 0:30:40I SPENT a penny in the Christmas pudding.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42BUZZER
0:30:44 > 0:30:46"Vorderman, Smillie, McGiffin?"
0:30:46 > 0:30:49No, Reverend, this is not what I meant when I said,
0:30:49 > 0:30:50"Which carols do you want to do?"
0:30:51 > 0:30:52BUZZER
0:30:52 > 0:30:55APPLAUSE
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Don't look at me like that, don't, no.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01No, you'll go back in the box. No, don't do sad, don't do sad.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03No, no, don't do sad.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06It doesn't look like it's "sad" he's doing, Dara.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08LAUGHTER
0:31:10 > 0:31:12He really did want to eat you, didn't he?
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Merry Christmas, everybody.