0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:21# News of the world
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# News of the world
0:00:30 > 0:00:31# News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Good evening, and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Matt Forde,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We start this week by noting
0:00:54 > 0:00:56that this is actually the tenth anniversary
0:00:56 > 0:00:57of Mock The Week.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I just want to say... We've been going for ten years, at this stage.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02It's a very magical time in a panel show's life.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07And I want to thank the BBC for the excellent cake they sent us...
0:01:07 > 0:01:08about the whole thing,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11AND one of these, whose name I can never remember.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12It really is quite a...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Literally if there's a defect, it's this.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16This is what came.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18This and a note going, "You saw what happened
0:01:18 > 0:01:20"to Never Mind The Buzzcocks,
0:01:20 > 0:01:21"it could happen to you."
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I mean, that's a really upbeat start to the show, isn't it?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28This is the best thing we get.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31We start with the round called Picture Of The Week.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32I show the panel a topical image
0:01:32 > 0:01:34and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37So what is going on here?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Is this Sepp Blatter meeting his hero Neptune, God of the Sea?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Is it just happier times for DLT?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Has someone in the audience just shouted,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55"Can anyone help me launder 10 million?"
0:01:57 > 0:02:00They're just saying, "This little piggy went to prison."
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Sepp Blatter is saying, "To avoid controversy,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08"the 2020 World Cup is awarded to Islamic State."
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Two people auditioning for the Happy Days reboot.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Or "Still as cool as ever, it's Entourage - The Movie."
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Have Channel 5 just unveiled their rivals to Ant and Dec?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Any of you know who exactly this is?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Sepp Blatter.- Yes.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35And what he'll look like when he crosses the Swiss border.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40The other bloke's name is Chuck Blazer.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Yep.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Who is, weirdly, American.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43How American is that?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47He might as well be called McApple Pie Stars And Stripes III.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Yes, this is the news that Sepp Blatter has said
0:02:52 > 0:02:54he will give up his post as Fifa president
0:02:54 > 0:02:55after 17 years at the helm.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58His resignation follows allegations of corruption and bribery
0:02:58 > 0:03:02surrounding various World Cup bids thanks to an FBI investigation
0:03:02 > 0:03:05and testimony by former Fifa executive Chuck Blazer,
0:03:05 > 0:03:10Chuck Blazer obviously being the man with the enormously large hand
0:03:10 > 0:03:11sitting next to him.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14He made his money in modelling for those foam hands
0:03:14 > 0:03:17that Americans wear at sporting events.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Chuck Blazer, in fact, was arrested by the FBI in New York
0:03:21 > 0:03:23on a mobility scooter.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27He was chased by the FBI on a mobility scooter.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I would like to have seen that chase, you know?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32"Quick, quick! He appears not to be stopping.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"We may have to break into a jog."
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Chuck Blazer is an amazing bloke, though, isn't he?
0:03:39 > 0:03:40He's got a parrot.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41He's got a parrot on his shoulder,
0:03:41 > 0:03:45and the brilliant thing about the parrot is that he was married
0:03:45 > 0:03:49and the parrot went with his wife after the divorce,
0:03:49 > 0:03:53and then six months later, she gave him the parrot back.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55He didn't know, but in the interim,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57she had taught the parrot to slag him off.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02You can do that with real-life kids.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09This is an outrage. It's an absolute outrage.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I think we forget sometimes who the real victims are.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16It's people like me who see the word Fifa,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I know that words mean football,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21there's a secret history that you guys know all about,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I've no idea what's going on.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I thought they got arrested because all their migrant workers
0:04:26 > 0:04:27were dying all over the place.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30That's apparently not the problem.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33That's fine. No-one has raised... No, that's fine.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- We went for the 2018 bid, didn't we? - Yeah.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38And we've got loads of dodgy bankers,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40but who did we put up for the 2018 bid?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42David Beckham and Prince William.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45If our bid had been hosted by Nick Leeson
0:04:45 > 0:04:49leading a delegate of Barclays and RBS,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52we'd have got the 2018 and 2022 World Cup.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54APPLAUSE
0:04:57 > 0:04:59You can't give it to Qatar,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01this place in the middle of the desert,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03that has no prior connection with football,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05and not expect people to get suspicious.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It would be like giving Aled Jones a Mobo.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11But what was Sepp Blatter's response to this?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Well, Sepp Blatter, he's gone and resigned, hasn't he?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- But he's not going for a while. - No.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18But he's not going to get much of a leaving present, is he?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22When they pass round that envelope round the office,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26they're all just going to be taking money out.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I don't know if he's really going to leave.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- I mean, he said, what, December? - Yeah.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31That's a smart move.
0:05:31 > 0:05:36You get to December, but everyone's full of Christmas spirit.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38You get to pull the old, "You wouldn't fire an old man
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"at Christmas, would you?"
0:05:43 > 0:05:45He's there for a year.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48You know, it's very difficult stepping down, though, isn't it?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50It's very difficult. Do you know what would have helped him
0:05:50 > 0:05:52step down a lot quicker?
0:05:52 > 0:05:53A Sepp ladder.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Well done, well done.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58You knew it was coming.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00APPLAUSE
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I'm impressed you waited that long, to be honest with you.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Probably been pointed out that Chuck Blazer
0:06:06 > 0:06:10who's a guy in a mobility scooter with a parrot
0:06:10 > 0:06:13and an afro that goes all the way around his face
0:06:13 > 0:06:15is the one that was undercover.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- Cos they wired him up.- A wire.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Did they have it just in his beard?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Then he would wink to people and go,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30"Say nothing", and lifted his beard,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34a small man with a boom mic just sitting in his beard.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39"Let me turn off the parrot's recording equipment."
0:06:39 > 0:06:41His wife will have taught the parrot to go,
0:06:41 > 0:06:42"He's wearing a wire.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43"He's wearing a wire."
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Was it not that he didn't need to wear a wire,
0:06:45 > 0:06:49it's just the parrot would repeat it all back?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Also, they would be...
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Surely when the FBI were listening back to the tapes of Blazer,
0:06:53 > 0:06:55the first half hour was just his colleagues
0:06:55 > 0:06:56making fun of his appearance.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- HE IMITATES TAPE FAST-FORWARDING - You wrote Game of Thrones.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- HE IMITATES TAPE FAST-FORWARDING - You're Santa Claus.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03HE IMITATES TAPE FAST-FORWARDING
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Good to see David Bellamy's in town.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Also in the news this week, who can tell me what's going on here?
0:07:09 > 0:07:14Is that Barack Obama playing Pretzel Buckaroo?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Or is Barack shaking the hand of the very pretzel
0:07:20 > 0:07:22that choked George W Bush?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28It's like a German version of Come Dine With Me.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29"Angela has broken all the plates
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"and is serving the pretzels on a mug tree."
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Is Angela Merkel saying to Barack Obama,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40GERMAN ACCENT: "Well, Barack, you must prepare for the WURST."
0:07:40 > 0:07:45APPLAUSE
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Thank you very much.- Lovely.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Welcome to 1970s comedy.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56They all sound - the FBI X-rayed his sausages and his pretzel...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- They did. - ..before he was allowed to eat them.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Presumably, obviously,
0:08:00 > 0:08:05because a wayward pretzel led to the demise, almost, of George Bush,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08and a wayward sausage almost led to the demise of Bill Clinton.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10So...
0:08:11 > 0:08:16Almost - everyone looks happy, apart from Angela Merkel's husband,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20who looks like he's attempting to move the pretzels with his mind.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Cos he liked the fact the guy didn't just have a brush on his hat,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27but he jazzed it up with four badges as well, it's quite a look.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- It's amazing. - When you wear a hat like that,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31you don't expect there to be five other people
0:08:31 > 0:08:32at the table wearing that hat.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37You just turn up and go, "Oh, you've gotta be joking.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40"I made this myself out of stuff I found in the garden -
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"you can't possibly... Ugh."
0:08:42 > 0:08:45The danger of drinking at 11 in the morning at the G7
0:08:45 > 0:08:49is that by the time you get to the final communique, it reads...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51SLURS: "I... I love you.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55"This is the best G7 I have ever been to."
0:08:55 > 0:08:57"Dear Putin...
0:08:57 > 0:08:58"Miss you."
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Do you reckon they had to do that thing,
0:09:00 > 0:09:04cos, like, the others hadn't turned up - Obama had to text David Cameron,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06and said, "I'd get on it on the train, mate.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"Cos we are going to be hammered by the time you get here.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"I'd get a couple of those small gin and tonics if I was you,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15"cos Angela is almost sideways already."
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Hang on, is this the G7 where five of the others have yet to arrive?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Yeah, but, Obama's...
0:09:22 > 0:09:26But Obama's just kind of sitting with Mr and Mrs Merkel
0:09:26 > 0:09:28going, "Where are you?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32"You said 11 o'clock by the man with the squirrel hat.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35"What are you...? I'm on my own.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38"What are you doing, to leave me here on my own?"
0:09:38 > 0:09:41He's having a nice time. No breakfast is ever made better
0:09:41 > 0:09:44by Stephen Harper and David Cameron showing up to it.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48It's not like waiting to start the party when Cameron gets there.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Oi-oi!
0:09:50 > 0:09:52From the other side, they all turn they all turn,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54and Cameron's like, "Wahey!
0:09:54 > 0:09:55"Here it comes!"
0:09:55 > 0:09:57HE IMITATES TROMBONE
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Knocking pretzels out of people's hands.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"Give us your fuckin' hat! Weurgh!"
0:10:03 > 0:10:08I bet Cameron's got seven nickname T-shirts in the back of his bag.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"Miss Demeanour".
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"Captain Austerity's here!"
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"The Merkster - put it on!
0:10:17 > 0:10:18"Put it on! Put it on."
0:10:18 > 0:10:22"You will put it on! Merkster! Put it on!"
0:10:22 > 0:10:24He's like that. He does bring the party.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28So, who was noticeably absent form the G7?
0:10:28 > 0:10:33- Vladimir Putin.- Yeah - and he WOULD bring the party!
0:10:33 > 0:10:34"Check e-mails again.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"Maybe in Junk folder there is invitation?"
0:10:39 > 0:10:41That's just the saddest picture I've ever seen.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- No...- I think, out of shot,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46he's looking at one of those brush hats that he bought for the event.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47That's why they had beers.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49That's why they had beers early -
0:10:49 > 0:10:52so they could go, "Oh, mate - you missed the best one ever.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54"He was wasted by three o'clock - I got off with Merkel!"
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I like to think that...
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Cos Putin's not going to take it very well,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02but I like to think that he had his own G1 summit.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07He said, "Only an insane man in a dream
0:11:07 > 0:11:11"would think that Russia would attack NATO."
0:11:11 > 0:11:12And you wonder, actually,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16whether he had in fact had that dream himself...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19and he was giving the rest of the world a bit of a heads up
0:11:19 > 0:11:21on his current mental state.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Cos he's insane. You can't say that about yourself -
0:11:24 > 0:11:26that'd be like saying, "Only a total legend
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"would come back from the bar with eight Jagerbombs!"
0:11:30 > 0:11:34"Oh, David Cameron, you've done it again!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"Wait, there's only six here."
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"It's a long walk! Boom!"
0:11:40 > 0:11:45At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and James!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47We're winning, we're winning.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Now we play a round called I Can't Believe It's Not Blatter.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53This game involves Matt and James, so,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58This round is a stand-up challenge - I launch the Wheel of News,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05OK, here we go.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07The first subject is...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Interviews. Who wants to come in that?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11- OK.- Matt.- I'll go for that.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14It's fascinating watching different politicians
0:12:14 > 0:12:15and how they deal with interviews.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Ed Miliband, when he gets asked a question he doesn't like,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21will just have this amazing technique,
0:12:21 > 0:12:25where he'll just ask himself a new question and answer that instead.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26And it really works -
0:12:26 > 0:12:30he got asked before the election by Nick Robinson, "Er, Mr Miliband,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"you've said you've set a mansion tax if you become Prime Minister,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37"but you won't yet tell us at what rate you would set it."
0:12:37 > 0:12:39And Miliband just went, "Look, Nick, if you're asking me,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"have I got a plan for the housing market, then the answer's yes."
0:12:44 > 0:12:45It's amazing.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Farage is one of the best ones at it, because no matter what
0:12:48 > 0:12:50you ask him, he'll get a political answer in somewhere.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53You could say, "Nigel, what have you had for breakfast, mate?"
0:12:53 > 0:12:55And he'll go, "Tea, toast and the Telegraph -
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"Great British breakfast."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59He always manages to get his messages across.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Boris Johnson is fascinating,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03because he just loves avoiding questions,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06and he uses a twin track approach of flattery and Latin.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10And this genuinely works.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14If he was here now, you could say, "Boris, come on, just admit it -
0:13:14 > 0:13:16"You want to be Prime Minister." He'd go, "Oh, no, no, no.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20"Let me just say, great to be here amongst such great, learned people
0:13:20 > 0:13:21"on this crucible of culture.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"Reminds me very much of a phrase my father used to use, you know?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26" 'Divitas, divitum, rectum.' "
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Well done, Matt. Very good.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37OK, so, James is left - let's see what he's been left with.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41And the topic is Britain.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I wish I was Mexican.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Love everything, but I love Mexican food.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57My favourite place to eat is a Mexican restaurant called Wahaca.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02All you need to know about Wahaca, everyone steals their spoons.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06So much so that every January, Wahaca have a spoon amnesty on.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09You bring back one of the stolen spoons,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13and then they reward you with free tacos.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Genius.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Not only do they get their spoons back,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18they also get to watch while the thieves eat tacos
0:14:18 > 0:14:21which, I imagine, have been interfered with beyond belief.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26I love Mexican food.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30I love Mexican music - mariachi music, best music in the world.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Top three mariachi songs - number one...
0:14:33 > 0:14:36HE HUMS "The Mexican Hat Dance"
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Number two...
0:14:38 > 0:14:41HE HUMS "La Cucaracha"
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Number three - nothing, cos there are no other mariachi songs.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Ever been to a mariachi nightclub?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51It's full of people just going up to the DJ, like,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"Hey, man, have you got..."
0:14:53 > 0:14:55HE HUMS "The Mexican Hat Dance"
0:14:55 > 0:14:56"Yeah, I'll play it next."
0:14:56 > 0:14:59"How about..." HE HUMS "La Cucaracha"
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"Open your ears - I'm playing it right now.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07"You should request that song during the next one."
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Growing up, in school, I was the only kid in the whole school
0:15:14 > 0:15:16who liked mariachi music - it was a nightmare.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I couldn't walk down the corridor without some knob
0:15:19 > 0:15:22knocking my sombrero off my head.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Stepping on the back of my poncho on my way into maths class.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Once a kid wrote "Chimichanga bum boy" across my forehead
0:15:30 > 0:15:32while I was having my post-lunch siesta.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37He also drew a moustache on my face,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39but to be fair, that played into my hands.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Bravo, very good.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46It's close, but for sticking to the topic,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48James Acaster gets the points.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Well done to both of you, come on back.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52APPLAUSE
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01On the board are six categories.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Matt, which category would you like?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- Politics, please.- Excellent, politics it is. The answer is five,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08but what is the question?
0:16:08 > 0:16:12The amount of times a minute Ed Miliband remembers that stone.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Is it...if I've got a tenner
0:16:15 > 0:16:19and want to book a boy band for my wedding, who can I afford?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23# Everybody get up... #
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Is it what does Nigel Farage regard as
0:16:26 > 0:16:28an acceptable level of immigration?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Is it how many snazzy ties did I try on before the show?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Eh, no.- What is the maximum number of Euros
0:16:39 > 0:16:42you can get out of a Greek cashpoint at the moment?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Is it...if I'm watching a documentary on Adolf Hitler's
0:16:47 > 0:16:50favourite shark, which channel am I watching?
0:16:54 > 0:16:58What would be a cracking score for a UK entry in Eurovision?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Is it how many of the Famous Five are now dead?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Surely not.- Didn't want to break it to you like this.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Surely Julian is just sitting quietly in a rocking chair,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14remembering the adventures and going...
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Laughing cos he killed 'em all.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18LAUGHTER
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Is it how many basic bitches does it take to escort
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Kate Moss off an easyJet flight?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Is that a thing? - I'm a pretty basic bitch.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35- I think you're an ornate bitch. - So you think I'm a ratchet-ass hoe?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Well...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I didn't want to make it too obvious I've got a little soft spot for you.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Oh, Dara...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Is it how many presenters from the 1970s are relaxed
0:17:44 > 0:17:45when the phone rings now?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51APPLAUSE
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Is it how many names are currently written
0:17:53 > 0:17:55on Taylor Swift's blank space?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- ANDY:- Is it...?- (It's a song.)- I know it's a song. I know Taylor Swift.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02# Haters gonna hate hate hate... #
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Is this what we do,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06whenever we mention any band you're going to do an impression?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- No, that's not what's going to happen here.- Is it Kate Bush?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER
0:18:14 > 0:18:16The Village People.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- NWA.- Stop it.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26I think it is...how many candidates are there in the Labour leadership?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Absolutely right, thank you very, very much, Hugh.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Yes, the question I was looking for is how many candidates have
0:18:36 > 0:18:40put themselves forward for the leadership of the Labour Party?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Liz Kendall, Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper, Mary Creagh
0:18:42 > 0:18:46and Jeremy Corbyn have all announced their candidacies.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Kendall, Burnham and Cooper have already won the support of
0:18:49 > 0:18:52enough MPs to secure their place in the ballot,
0:18:52 > 0:18:53the other two have yet to.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55If you'd like to be reminded of their faces,
0:18:55 > 0:18:56why don't we have a look at them now?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58There's..this person.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00And then there's this guy.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03And what's-her-face.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05And then yer one.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08And that guy! So that's your line-up.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10The Man from Del Monte?!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15It's the Labour leadership election, and you hope
0:19:15 > 0:19:18for the sake of Labour that they actually do win this election.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It would be very embarrassing for them
0:19:20 > 0:19:24if they don't manage to win this one, won't it?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- You know...- Could go either way. - ..five of them standing,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29and just at the last moment the Conservatives pip them to it, so...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31LAUGHTER
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Do you not think though, as we're discussing the Labour leadership,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36this is the point in the programme to say...
0:19:36 > 0:19:39"Viewers in Scotland have your own programme."
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- The favourite is Andy Burnham. - Possibly, yeah.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- He lost the last time to Ed Miliband. - Yes.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50This is a man who is less popular...
0:19:50 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER ..than Ed Miliband.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56They might as well just disband the party now.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58I enjoyed watching Miliband.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01A lot of people said he didn't have a personality, he had all sorts of physical tics.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I loved that thing he'd do where after each sentence he would
0:20:04 > 0:20:07look as though he'd heard someone's phone go off in the audience.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- MIMICS ED MILIBAND:- "Look, there's a cost of living crisis
0:20:10 > 0:20:11"in this country."
0:20:11 > 0:20:13LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Permanently startled.- He was doing OK until that big stone appeared.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- Oh, the stone.- That giant monolith.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23He's got a lovely gravel driveway now, hasn't he?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28The thing though, I'd give them 40 quid for it cos
0:20:28 > 0:20:33I want a rockery with the words "control on immigration" built in.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34That'd be just bizarre.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37It's cos his advisers said his policies need to be
0:20:37 > 0:20:38available on tablet.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Oh, come on!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44APPLAUSE
0:20:44 > 0:20:46It was the crushing literalism of
0:20:46 > 0:20:48"these policies are written in stone."
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"I know - we'll literally write them in stone!"
0:20:51 > 0:20:53No, no, no, that's like going,
0:20:53 > 0:20:57"There are lines in the sand I would not cross - bring me the sand!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01"Oh, I'm trapped on the other side of the line in the sand,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03"I can't get out."
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Andy Burnham's watching this going,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"That's a hell of an idea!"
0:21:07 > 0:21:09"Yes, fantastic, sand everywhere!"
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Did you see that Nigel Farage story?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16The day before the election someone had stopped him in Ramsgate
0:21:16 > 0:21:20and called him a "racist, sexist, homophobic ex-banker."
0:21:20 > 0:21:23And he replied that he'd been a commodities broker.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Nigel Farage was described by his campaign spokesman after
0:21:29 > 0:21:33the election as "snarling, thin-skinned, aggressive" during the
0:21:33 > 0:21:37election campaign, but people didn't know he was actually on temazepam.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Wasn't he?- Cos of his back?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Yeah, the bad back, couldn't sleep at all,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44but he should have let more people know.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Could have just came up with a new campaign slogan -
0:21:47 > 0:21:48"You kip - I can't."
0:21:50 > 0:21:53APPLAUSE
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Douglas Carswell, who's their only MP left now, said,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"I think Nigel needs two weeks off", cos he didn't dare say,
0:22:01 > 0:22:02"I think he needs to resign."
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Cos they're worried he's becoming too right wing,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07but what is two weeks on holiday going to achieve?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10He's not going to come back through customs with a sombrero on, going,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12"You know what? Some of them are all right."
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Ed Miliband went on holiday to Ibiza.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- He cane it big time?- He's lost an election, not failed his A-levels!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27He should have taken the lads with him, yeah!
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Photos of him coming back strawpedo-ing a Reef on Facebook?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35The last thing you need in a foam party would just be his face
0:22:35 > 0:22:38popping out of it.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41They say about people not having character, people like Farage
0:22:41 > 0:22:45had the pint and stuff like that, if Miliband had done shots...
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Cos nobody grabbed shots as their thing, you're right.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Always like, during anything, doing a debate or a press conference,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57every time someone mentions NHS he's got to do a shot.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01A bell goes off - "Wahey!"
0:23:01 > 0:23:05That's how you could campaign against the SNP, cos they're anti-nukes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06It'd be very simple, he'd go,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08MIMICS ED MILIBAND: "The SNP want to ban the bomb,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10"but there's one bomb they'll never ban.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12"The Jagerbomb! Oi-oi!"
0:23:14 > 0:23:18At the end of that round, the points go to Matt, Katherine and Andy.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23APPLAUSE
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29If everyone can make their way over to the performance area, I'll read
0:23:29 > 0:23:30out this week's topics
0:23:30 > 0:23:33and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34OK, here we go.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37The first subject is...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Fungal foot problem?
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Eugh!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52BUZZER
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault?
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Of course you have. Because that is the definition of an accident.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04BUZZER
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Fifa summer sofa sale! Total office clear out!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Bribe now, pay later.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Andrex. Cos who wouldn't want to wipe their arse with a puppy?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21BUZZER
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Carlsberg don't do your girlfriend.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26But I have.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28BUZZER
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Whassuuuuuuuuuuuuup?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Yeah, mate, I've got some bad news about your dad.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41BUZZER
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Why pay more for ratchet, trifling-ass pilots
0:24:46 > 0:24:49when you can get to where you're going on easyJet?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51A basic bitch will get you there.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54BUZZER
0:24:54 > 0:24:55We call it a Happy Meal.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58The cow we killed wasn't too chuffed, though.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02BUZZER
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Waitrose.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Two for the price of three.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10APPLAUSE
0:25:10 > 0:25:12BUZZER
0:25:12 > 0:25:14We had debts all over the place,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17but Wonga took all those debts and put them in one simple loan.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19They also took our house.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Are your vet's bills getting on top of you?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Then why not try Dognatas?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35BUZZER
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Want to save money on biscuits?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Easy. Give blood.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42BUZZER
0:25:45 > 0:25:48From Laboratoire Garnier, Paris.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Because if we said it was from Unit 5 of a Luton industrial estate,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56you wouldn't buy it, would you?
0:25:56 > 0:25:57BUZZER
0:25:57 > 0:26:00APPLAUSE
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Struggling to sleep?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Why not try ten cans of Stella?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08BUZZER
0:26:09 > 0:26:15Did you mistake your girlfriend for a burglar on Valentine's Day?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Then you need to go to Specsavers.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20BUZZER
0:26:20 > 0:26:21APPLAUSE
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29The Lynx effect.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32BUZZER
0:26:32 > 0:26:34APPLAUSE
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Er, that one's accent is a bit more racist than that one's accent.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40There you go. Just compared the meerkats.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44BUZZER
0:26:44 > 0:26:46OK, the next topic is...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Hi, is that NHS Direct?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Yeah, a bit of a temperature
0:26:54 > 0:26:57and I've got an alien coming out of my stomach.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Two paracetamol, OK.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02BUZZER
0:27:03 > 0:27:08OK, Mr Sulu, set course for the fourth quadrant of the Orion Nebula.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I think there's a Nando's there.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12BUZZER
0:27:14 > 0:27:18We're sorry to announce that there is a replacement beam-down service
0:27:18 > 0:27:21this weekend between the ship and the planet Sploog.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23APPLAUSE
0:27:25 > 0:27:28You've got to imagine this in a Scottish accent.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:33 > 0:27:37This is our Independence Day!
0:27:37 > 0:27:38There you go.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45They abducted us and took us to their spacecraft
0:27:45 > 0:27:49and then they explored our bodies with strange probes.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I'll be honest, it was the best stag night I'd ever been on.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53BUZZER
0:27:55 > 0:28:01This man can now reach the full potential of his brain.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Joey, Joey, wake up, you can tie your shoes!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Reem!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09BUZZER
0:28:10 > 0:28:13What the people don't know, Captain Kirk,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16is that when I do that V thing, that means, in Vulcan,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18"I've had your mum."
0:28:20 > 0:28:22BUZZER
0:28:22 > 0:28:25I think this time tunnel is broken.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27We've gone 1,000 years into the future
0:28:27 > 0:28:29and Bruce Forsyth is still working.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32BUZZER
0:28:35 > 0:28:39If you take the red pill, you will enter the Matrix.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43If you take the blue pill, you will have a boner for seven hours.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48BUZZER
0:28:48 > 0:28:51This is it. The machines are taking over.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53#apocalypse.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57BUZZER
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Yeah, I've had a look at it, mate.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03The problem is your nano boosters are shot
0:29:03 > 0:29:05and your warp drive is fucked.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07BUZZER
0:29:08 > 0:29:13Our planet is dying. We seek a new home.
0:29:13 > 0:29:18Which of you is Phil and which of you is Kirstie?
0:29:21 > 0:29:23APPLAUSE
0:29:24 > 0:29:27BUZZER
0:29:27 > 0:29:32The dinosaurs are killing everyone. Why do we keep reopening this park?
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Who keeps giving us public liability insurance?
0:29:42 > 0:29:46So, the plan is, you get in the time machine, go back in time
0:29:46 > 0:29:48and cock-block Hitler's dad.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51BUZZER
0:29:51 > 0:29:52APPLAUSE
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Pho-o-o-one home.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58"Phoning Joan."
0:29:58 > 0:30:01No, phone home.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04APPLAUSE
0:30:04 > 0:30:06BUZZER
0:30:06 > 0:30:09At the end of that, the points go to Matt, Katherine and Andy.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And that's the end of the show.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19This week's winners are
0:30:19 > 0:30:21James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdecombe.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:23 > 0:30:27Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Matt Forde.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE