0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:30 > 0:00:34This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ellie Taylor
0:00:40 > 0:00:41and Josh Widdicombe.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Rob Beckett.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55I show the panel a topical image
0:00:55 > 0:00:57and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Here's a picture of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn this week,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02so what's going on here?
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Is this the beginning of the world's most harrowing sex education lesson?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Is he actually launching the new Trident replacement?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Is it just him going, "Ladies?"
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Did you just do that in my voice?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25That's what I think is a really sexy voice, Josh.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Cheers mate, cheers, yeah.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Has the marrow entered Jeremy Corbyn
0:01:29 > 0:01:31in a funny looking vegetable competition?
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Is this a photo of the last two leaders of the Labour Party?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Is it Corbyn defects to the Greens?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh, lovely work.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Too right.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52I reckon...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I think that's the first joke I've done in three years on here.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Not just on here.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Is he saying, "New debating rules -
0:02:03 > 0:02:06"we can only speak when we are holding the marrow"?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11This is a photo of a politician and a really big vegetable -
0:02:11 > 0:02:14two of the only things that wear rosettes.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19APPLAUSE
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Is it Jeremy Corbyn's party piece
0:02:25 > 0:02:27and he says, "I intend to close the conference
0:02:27 > 0:02:31"by playing Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street on my marrow"?
0:02:31 > 0:02:36Off his mind, he's playing air saxophone on a marrow.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37That would be the finest.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40HE HUMS BAKER STREET
0:02:42 > 0:02:45It's the only way he'll join in with the national anthem
0:02:45 > 0:02:47is on a novelty marrow sax.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50HE HUMS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Very good!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- That would be good.- That would be great, that would be great.- Yeah.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Is it Corbyn recreating the dick pic he sent to Diane Abbott?
0:03:09 > 0:03:14It looks like the massive penis of a man who is hiding in that tree.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22He's got it over Jeremy Corbyn's shoulder.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Can we move towards the correct answer, please?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It's Jeremy Corbyn holding a marrow.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It is.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Yes, you are absolutely right, James.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34It is Jeremy Corbyn holding a marrow.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36APPLAUSE
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Yes, this is a picture of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn
0:03:40 > 0:03:44holding a marrow, presented to him by a local store in Brighton,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46prior to this week's Labour Party conference.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Have you been watching the Conference?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49We all expected more.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Me, I thought two weeks in of Corbyn's leadership,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54London would be burned to the ground.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Buckingham Palace would be a soup kitchen.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01The Queen would be queueing in a Giro centre
0:04:01 > 0:04:03waiting for her benefits.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- HE IMPERSONATES THE QUEEN - "One is the Queen."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I get the feeling though he doesn't really want to discuss much
0:04:08 > 0:04:11at the conference, he's just still so over-excited he got in.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13He's like at the conference,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15he's excited he got a hotel room for a couple of nights.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18On the phone to John McDonnell, going "Yeah, just put the card in
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"the wall and it turns the lights on! I just did it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"We've got bathrobes, slippers - your mini-bar locked as well?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27"Yeah, I know, Molton Brown. Quality, innit?"
0:04:27 > 0:04:32Why did one of Corbyn's shadow cabinet appointments upset farmers?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Oh, his farming minister is a vegan.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39She's the only politician less welcome on a farm
0:04:39 > 0:04:43than David Cameron.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46The good thing about having a vegan Agriculture Minister
0:04:46 > 0:04:49is they will not talk bullshit.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53They talk organic mulch.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59She wants to treat meat eaters the same as smokers, doesn't she?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Yeah.- And you're thinking, well, you know,
0:05:01 > 0:05:05certainly if you go into Pizza Hut and order the Meat Feast,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08you'll think twice about that, won't you, if you have to eat it outside?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I don't know, if people gathered outside offices
0:05:12 > 0:05:14to just eat meat,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I think that would become enormously popular.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Just eating a Peperami like this.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22"Bloody hell, it didn't used to be like this, did it?"
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Sitting under one of those heat lamps, slowly cooking.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30APPLAUSE
0:05:31 > 0:05:34You can imagine meat-eaters going away to European holidays
0:05:34 > 0:05:36just to come back and be like,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39"It's amazing! You can still eat meat inside over there!"
0:05:39 > 0:05:42But then the NHS could help with, like...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44wean you off with like a meat patch.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Or you could just chew an Oxo cube if you were getting, like, pangs.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52Could you put an Oxo cube into an e-cigarette and vape it?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Would that be the same thing?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59"Oh, beefy. Mm, I really need that."
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Sorry, it just sounded like you're having sex with Ian Botham then.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05APPLAUSE
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"Oh, tell me again about those long walks, Beefy."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I think she's got a point though.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I think meat is quite similar to smoking.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I think, you know, a lot of people after sex
0:06:20 > 0:06:21they like to have a cigarette,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24and I like to, after sex, just have a quick spit roast.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:33OK, who also had a party conference this week?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I believe it was Ukip, Dara.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37It was of course Ukip. Yes, they did, yeah.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Nigel Farage, Big fan of the show. How are you, Nigel? Good to see you.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44The thing about it was they didn't have enough people,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47did they, at Ukip? They had to slash the ticket prices
0:06:47 > 0:06:49because nobody was turning up.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I mean, they keep on telling us the country's full
0:06:51 > 0:06:54but they can't even fill their own conference hall, can they?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57APPLAUSE
0:06:57 > 0:06:59It was at Doncaster Race Course, which is weird,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02given the trouble they've had with the first past the post system.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Why would they have it there?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08There was a woman who'd had a tattoo of Nigel Farage done on her arm.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09- Yes, there was.- There we go.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12But I'm wondering if it was a mistake. I'm wondering...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14You're wondering if it was a mistake?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I just wondered if the tattooist said, "I'm going to be doing
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"a painful prick on your arm."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24And she was surprised by what she got.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26APPLAUSE
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Why are these people paying to go and watch the Ukip conference?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32If you want to watch, like, boring old men in shit clothes
0:07:32 > 0:07:35talking about hating foreigners, Top Gear's on Amazon soon.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36APPLAUSE
0:07:41 > 0:07:44In other news, what essential task will British astronaut Major Tim Peake
0:07:44 > 0:07:47be responsible for aboard the International Space Stations?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Is this the geezer sent up to fix the toilet?
0:07:50 > 0:07:56OK... They are not just sending the geezer up to fix the toilet.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Am I wrong?- No, in many ways you are correct.- Am I wrong?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Am I wrong?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Former helicopter pilot Major Tim Peake is not...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Please tell me he was a plumber first.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14He was not a plumber. They didn't go, "Yeah we're just going to
0:08:14 > 0:08:16"train a guy, he'll be with you in a month or two."
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I'd love it if he was a plumber first and he went,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21"Yeah, I can do that, but I finish work at three on a Friday."
0:08:21 > 0:08:25They'll be floating on a space station going, "He said between two and six."
0:08:25 > 0:08:28"I can't believe I stayed in for this.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32"I had a whole space walk worked out."
0:08:32 > 0:08:35It's not an ordinary toilet, though, is it?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- No, clearly it's not an ordinary toilet.- It's weightless.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42You have to hold yourself down and then you poo into a vacuum cleaner.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Is not just the hoover, though, is it?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47It's a hoover and a big fan that apparently keeps everything
0:08:47 > 0:08:49flowing in the right direction.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52What happens when the shit hits the fan?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55APPLAUSE
0:08:58 > 0:09:02He's going up there just to fix the toilet,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06or are they sending him up to be a toilet attendant?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Is he taking up a load of aftershave with him and some Chupa Chups?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12"No Armani, no poonani."
0:09:13 > 0:09:16"No splash, no gash" - that's another one they say.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17AUDIENCE GROAN
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I'm just repeating what they say to me in the toilet.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23You go to very different nightclubs to the ones I go.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Andy, when was the last time you went to a nightclub?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Well, it was...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- Yeah, Andy, yeah. - ..four weeks ago, Rob.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36No!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Yeah.- Where did you go?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41And did they have the directions you were looking for?
0:09:46 > 0:09:52Yes, they did. It was a jump to the left and a jump to the right.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55When was the last time you went to a nightclub, Dara?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- I went dancing about week ago. - Was it?- Yeah, in Dublin.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- I had a great night. - I've been dancing with you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- I bet you dominate a dancefloor. - I own the floor, bitches.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09At Latitude Festival, they put on Eternal Flame and you got
0:10:09 > 0:10:11everyone in the tent to form a circle,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14and then you danced in the middle.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I can also play it on the marrow.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26HE HUMS ETERNAL FLAME
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Is it right with the astronaut's toilet,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34because they have to reverse in...
0:10:34 > 0:10:37We all have to reverse in, I suppose.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I actually come up through the U-bend.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Do you sit like that, like those annoying bosses at work?
0:10:46 > 0:10:47"Right, so..."
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Good quarter, guys
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I can flush my nose, watch.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04There is a comedian we all know and we can't tell you who it was,
0:11:04 > 0:11:09who very drunkenly came into the toilet once at a hotel in Galway and
0:11:09 > 0:11:14sat down on the porcelain, and did what he had to do and went to bed.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17He got up the next day and looked in the bath,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20and had sat on the edge of the bath.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Oh, my God!
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- Is that Ed Byrne? - Yes.- No, it is not Ed Byrne.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31While we're in space, although we weren't,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34we were in a hotel in Galway having a shit in a bath.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42We weren't. I didn't look across and go, "Hello".
0:11:42 > 0:11:45All around it, back to back.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Four Irish comedians all going, "Oh, hello."
0:11:49 > 0:11:50While we're in space,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53what exciting discovery did NASA announce this week?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55They've discovered liquid water...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I didn't know that water could be any other form, but anyway...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01You're familiar with steam and ice, I presume?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03But that is not water.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Hugh and James.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14APPLAUSE
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Now we play a round called Is There Laugh On Mars?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22This game involves James and Josh,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and wherever it chooses to stop, one of up performers will step forward
0:12:31 > 0:12:34and talk about that subject. Here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39The first subject is technology. Who wants to come in on that? Josh.
0:12:40 > 0:12:46I don't want to brag, but I've got a new debit card. Yeah.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I've got one of the old touchy downy...
0:12:48 > 0:12:52If you haven't got one of these, you have not lived, my friends.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Never did you feel so smug in your life.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00When they go, "How would you like to pay?" "Just have, mate, see you later."
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"Where am I off? The future."
0:13:03 > 0:13:06The thing is, you get used to it. You can't go back.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09You go somewhere now, where they haven't got the technology,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"Do you want to just put in your PIN number?" "Are you kidding me?
0:13:12 > 0:13:18"You expect me to stand here for four seconds pushing buttons?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20"What is this, a Victorian workhouse?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"No, I'm sorry, Marks and Spencers, no.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27"I'll be getting my Percy Pigs elsewhere in future."
0:13:29 > 0:13:32The worst is when you think they have the touchdown
0:13:32 > 0:13:34technology, but they haven't.
0:13:34 > 0:13:41You look like you've never used a debit card before in your life.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43"How would you like to pay?" You just go.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54"Are you having a breakdown?"
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I don't like it when they've got the terminal
0:13:58 > 0:14:01and they have to ask your permission. "Do you mind if I just?"
0:14:01 > 0:14:04"Yeah, I couldn't give a shit."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Just in case he goes, "£4,000, unlucky, my friend.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"Enjoy your Sprite."
0:14:12 > 0:14:16It's the opposite of the other one I don't like, which is when the waiter
0:14:16 > 0:14:19makes too much of not looking at your PIN number.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Hate that. "If you'd just like to put in your PIN number."
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I wasn't suspicious of you until now.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Thank you very much, Josh.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32APPLAUSE
0:14:35 > 0:14:38OK, that leaves us with James. Let's see what you've been left with.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43And the subject is food.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I'm trying to eat more healthily lately.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I've bought some ready to eat apricots this week.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55They say you are what you eat, which is true because as soon as
0:14:55 > 0:14:59I bought the ready to eat apricots, I was ready to eat apricots.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Those ready to eat apricots came in a resealable bag
0:15:08 > 0:15:13because not everyone is as ready to eat apricots as they think they are.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Maybe next time they will buy ready to eat SOME apricots
0:15:21 > 0:15:22I know shitloads about bread.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30There's no such thing as prawn bread.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34So the origin of prawn toast remains a mystery.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38My favourite place to eat is Pret A Manger.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40If you don't know Pret A Manger,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42it's an authentic French restaurant.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48So much in there, so much to manger.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I love mangering there. My favourite thing to manger is the yoghurts.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I love to manger the yoghurts.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55You've got granola on top, then mainly yoghurt, then,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58like, fruit compote at the bottom. It's the way they eat it in Paree.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01And you get a spoon, you mix it all together
0:16:01 > 0:16:03and then you manger it that way, if you like.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Or leave it as it is, don't mix it and just
0:16:05 > 0:16:07work your way down in order, like start off with nothing
0:16:07 > 0:16:10but granola to begin with, just shove raw granola in your mouth,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13deflect it off your teeth, and power through the yoghurt for a long time,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16getting absolutely nothing out of it, then end on the tangy compote,
0:16:16 > 0:16:20like, "Whoa! What a finale!" That's how I eat yoghurt.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I eat them like they're packaged. It's why I like them Fruit Corners.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25They come with that little chaser.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28APPLAUSE
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Thank you very much. At the end of that road,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32the points go to James Acaster!
0:16:32 > 0:16:37APPLAUSE
0:16:39 > 0:16:42The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44On the board are six categories.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Ellie, which category would you like?
0:16:46 > 0:16:51- World News, please. - World News it is. The answer is:
0:16:52 > 0:16:54What is the question?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Um, is it how long before David Cameron
0:16:56 > 0:16:59makes his wife a ham sandwich again?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Is it how long it took me to do the first two years of school?
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Is it how long does it take Rob Beckett to clean his teeth?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12APPLAUSE
0:17:15 > 0:17:19It's not far off. I just have to do a bit whenever I can.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21It's a constant work.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24It's just a bit of Cillit Bang on a stiff broom, I'm done.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Is it, on average, how much younger do I look on Dave?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Is it, if there was a fire alarm at Bake Off,
0:17:34 > 0:17:38how long would it take Mary Berry to exit the tent?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39GROANS FROM AUDIENCE
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Come on, mate! Leave Mary Berry out of this.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Awful image of the coroner just looking at her body going,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50"See, what's happened here, you've left her in too long."
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- APPLAUSE - Oh, my God!
0:17:56 > 0:18:01- Please!- "I'll give you this, it is cooked in the middle."
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Mel and Sue will keep it light.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11- Do actions.- A few funny little... They'll mug around, it'll be fine.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15As they cremate Mary Berry, Mel and Sue'll be there going,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"Ready, set, bake!"
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Is it, for how long have I wondered why Mary Berry
0:18:25 > 0:18:27is nothing like her sister Halle?
0:18:29 > 0:18:30APPLAUSE
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Is it how long my battery lasted on my Nokia 3310?
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Still going, somewhere in a drawer.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Somewhere in a drawer, that phone is still there, going, "Yeah!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43"I'm still here! You can't stop me! You've even taken the battery out!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"It doesn't matter!"
0:18:45 > 0:18:49"I'm playing Snake on myself!"
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I bought a Nokia 3310, cos I had my phone stolen,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55put it in a drawer, got my phone stolen again six months later
0:18:55 > 0:18:57and just took up and it was still going!
0:18:57 > 0:19:01When you've got mates that ring you, the battery goes down.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05APPLAUSE
0:19:08 > 0:19:11OK, do any of you have the correct answer here?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I think it is how long have the European Union known
0:19:14 > 0:19:17that you could cheat on emissions tests.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20That's absolutely right. Thank you very much. Well done, Hugh. Yes.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How do you know that?!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26The question I was looking for was How long have EU officials known
0:19:26 > 0:19:30about devices being used to cheat emissions tests in diesel cars.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32This revelation follows the news that Volkswagen,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34the world's biggest car manufacturer,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36has been caught using so-called "defeat devices"
0:19:36 > 0:19:38on 11 million cars.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42So it's like when it gets tested, it's not emitting as much...
0:19:42 > 0:19:46This is the freaky thing. The car knows it's being tested,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49so the car kind of shuts down its engine a bit
0:19:49 > 0:19:52so it doesn't emit as much stuff.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Well, that's just like holding in farts on the first date.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59It is almost the EXACT parallel.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02And then once you're going out with them, bombs away.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08That is almost exactly the metaphor which best explains it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11It's a bit boring, though, innit, as a scandal goes?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Last week, it's Piggate, now we're talking about diesel emissions.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Can't someone spice it up
0:20:16 > 0:20:20and get a politician to stick their dick in a Beetle's exhaust?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23There is good news out there, though, isn't there,
0:20:23 > 0:20:27for those VW executives implicated and for the shareholders?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Cos if they're thinking of ending it all in the classic car-fumes way,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33they'll be able to do it
0:20:33 > 0:20:36much quicker than they originally thought, won't they?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I don't think it is boring, though.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I think this is the most exciting German emissions scandal
0:20:41 > 0:20:45since Boris Becker went in that broom cupboard.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48People are saying that it's going to damage the reputation of Germany
0:20:48 > 0:20:50and they're not going to come back from it.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52They've come back from worse!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55APPLAUSE
0:20:57 > 0:21:00And you know what I'm talking about.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Frank Lampard's goal, 2010.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06How has a monkey sparked debate this week?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Oh, it's the selfie monkey. - It is the selfie monkey.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12It's obviously quite an old story, the monkey that took the selfie,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15and we all like that picture, but now it's, like, in court,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17who owns the rights to the image?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- Yep.- It's debated whether it's the photographer, who owned the camera
0:21:21 > 0:21:26and left it there for the monkey to play with, or if it is the monkey...
0:21:26 > 0:21:31who owns the right to a photo it didn't know it was taking.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35How long does it take for HIM to clean his teeth?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Animal-rights activists and Peta have argued that
0:21:40 > 0:21:43the monkey should own the rights to the photograph and therefore
0:21:43 > 0:21:46should gain any financial benefit from the photograph,
0:21:46 > 0:21:50including the money we will spend by putting it on the show now.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53So whatever it costs to put a photograph on Mock The Week,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56the monkey will be sitting somewhere in Borneo or somewhere, going,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"Cha-ching!"
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- And making that face.- Making it rain, Dara.- "Making it rain!"
0:22:03 > 0:22:04IMITATES MONKEY LAUGHING
0:22:07 > 0:22:08APPLAUSE
0:22:10 > 0:22:13The funny thing about this is the fact that,
0:22:13 > 0:22:17how degrading for the photographer that the greatest photo ever taken
0:22:17 > 0:22:18was done by a monkey and not him.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21But the monkey's not going to have a career as a photographer.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I'm not going to go to a wedding and go, "Where's the photographer?"
0:22:24 > 0:22:28"Masturbating and throwing shit at the bridesmaids."
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Not again, anyway.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35"He ruined the first wedding! This is why we had to do it all again!"
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"Here's our wedding photos.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"It's just a load of selfies taken by a monkey, erm, obsessed with itself."
0:22:40 > 0:22:44In the veil, holding the bouquet...
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Behind it, there was a bride and groom just trying to look around it.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- He's going... - IMITATES MONKEY LAUGHING
0:22:50 > 0:22:51..to take a photograph of himself.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54"That'd better not have been of yourself again."
0:22:58 > 0:23:00"Are you doing a selfie again, selfie monkey?"
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Wasting everyone's time.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13"No, just the bride's family."
0:23:13 > 0:23:16If you can't see the camera, I can't see you.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:25APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Ah!
0:23:27 > 0:23:31And at the end of that, the points go to Rob, Hugh and James!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:41 > 0:23:43and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45OK, here we go.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47The first subject is...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52And that's a wonderful sleight-of-hand
0:23:52 > 0:23:54from the Welsh fly-half.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57He's picked up the loose ball, he's tucked it back in his shorts
0:23:57 > 0:24:01and nobody seems to have noticed.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02BUZZER
0:24:02 > 0:24:04APPLAUSE
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I can see Nico Rosberg's helmet.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11LAUGHTER
0:24:11 > 0:24:12BUZZER
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Apologies. After 15 years in this job,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I've just been told it's not pronounced crow-qwet.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:26BUZZER
0:24:26 > 0:24:27And after that victory,
0:24:27 > 0:24:32they'll be dancing on the street of Samoa tonight.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33BUZZER
0:24:33 > 0:24:35DARA LAUGHS
0:24:35 > 0:24:39100m in 4 hours 26 minutes.
0:24:39 > 0:24:44And that is meter-reading at its very best.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45BUZZER
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Now, Gary Kasparov, he's going to move his porn,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53and he's done it just in time -
0:24:53 > 0:24:57his wife's home, but he's got it under the bed!
0:24:57 > 0:24:58BUZZER
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Welcome to beach volleyball.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05The players are currently getting changed into their kits
0:25:05 > 0:25:07while their mums hold a towel up in front of them.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08BUZZER
0:25:09 > 0:25:13And Shane Warne will be laughing on the other side of this face
0:25:13 > 0:25:15after that surgery.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16BUZZER
0:25:18 > 0:25:19I'd like to apologise.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22What you're watching is, in fact, Judo,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24and not, as I said earlier,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27timed pyjama cuddling.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29BUZZER
0:25:29 > 0:25:32APPLAUSE
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Now this should be relatively easy for Rory McIlroy.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Oh, how has he done that?
0:25:39 > 0:25:44All he had to do was to say "Get a Santander 123 account."
0:25:44 > 0:25:46BUZZER
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Kasparov toying with his bishop...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Oh, no! His wife's home, she's caught him!
0:25:52 > 0:25:53BUZZER
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Ah, that pot was remarkable
0:25:57 > 0:26:01but now I've got a major case of the munchies.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02BUZZER
0:26:04 > 0:26:06We'd just like to refute the idea
0:26:06 > 0:26:09that the BBC has lost coverage rights of all good sports.
0:26:09 > 0:26:15We now cross to a girl playing noughts and crosses against a clown.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:17 > 0:26:19BUZZER
0:26:19 > 0:26:22What a thrilling cricket match(!)
0:26:22 > 0:26:25APPLAUSE
0:26:25 > 0:26:27BUZZER
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Left hand, big right hand!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Right hand again! Big left hand!
0:26:31 > 0:26:36Why has no-one put these gloves in pairs?!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:39BUZZER
0:26:41 > 0:26:45What the fuck is a furlong?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48APPLAUSE
0:26:48 > 0:26:49BUZZER
0:26:49 > 0:26:53OK, the next topic is...
0:26:55 > 0:26:57On ITV2 next, What Katie Did Next,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00which I'm guessing is get her tits out
0:27:00 > 0:27:03and marry some thick prick for publicity purposes.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04APPLAUSE
0:27:04 > 0:27:06BUZZER
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I can see you.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:15BUZZER
0:27:16 > 0:27:19A very special episode of Songs Of Praise now,
0:27:19 > 0:27:23coming live from Stringfellows.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24BUZZER
0:27:26 > 0:27:27That was Game Of Thrones,
0:27:27 > 0:27:31and if you're affected by any of the issues raised in that show,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34what the fuck is wrong with your family?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:37BUZZER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Is masturbation bad for you?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45That's not the next programme, I'm just thinking aloud.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47BUZZER
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Next up, Baking And Entering, with Antony Worrall Thompson.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54LAUGHTER
0:27:54 > 0:27:55BUZZER
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Next up, Ross Kemp meets one of America's toughest gangs.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05But before that, a minute's silence...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07for Ross Kemp.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09BUZZER
0:28:09 > 0:28:11APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:15No! Damn! This is bullshit!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I hate it when the Eggheads win!
0:28:18 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER
0:28:19 > 0:28:21BUZZER
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Now on Channel 4, One Born Every Minute,
0:28:26 > 0:28:28including graphic scenes of childbirth
0:28:28 > 0:28:31that some viewers may find inspiration to get a coil.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34BUZZER
0:28:35 > 0:28:38And now on Channel 4, Skins...
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Foreskins!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43HE LAUGHS
0:28:45 > 0:28:46BUZZER
0:28:47 > 0:28:53Next up on Channel 4 plus one minus two divided by three,
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Countdown.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57BUZZER
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Next up, we have literally the only episode of Top Of The Pops 2
0:29:02 > 0:29:04we're allowed to show.
0:29:04 > 0:29:05LAUGHTER
0:29:05 > 0:29:07BUZZER
0:29:07 > 0:29:08That was Mock The Week.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Wasn't it weird when one of them said the exact same thing
0:29:11 > 0:29:13I'm saying right now?
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Still, talented fellow.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18BUZZER
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Next up on BBC...
0:29:21 > 0:29:25Wait a minute, are those hippos swimming in a circle?
0:29:25 > 0:29:27LAUGHTER
0:29:27 > 0:29:31Why are we watching Homes Under The Hammer?!
0:29:31 > 0:29:32BUZZER
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Now, it's one of those X Factor episodes
0:29:35 > 0:29:37where they sing next to a swimming pool,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40I presume to prepare them for a life singing on cruise ships.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42APPLAUSE
0:29:42 > 0:29:43BUZZER
0:29:44 > 0:29:47You're watching the Adult Channel +1,
0:29:47 > 0:29:50because that Viagra's taking a while to kick in.
0:29:51 > 0:29:52BUZZER
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Well, next up, it's Midlands Today
0:29:56 > 0:29:57so if you're watching in the Orkneys,
0:29:57 > 0:29:59you can fuck off.
0:29:59 > 0:30:00LAUGHTER
0:30:00 > 0:30:02And at the end of that round,
0:30:02 > 0:30:05the points go to James, Hugh and Rob.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:10 > 0:30:11That's the end of the show.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13This week's winners are
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Andy Parsons, Ellie Taylor and Josh Widdicombe.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18CHEERING
0:30:18 > 0:30:23Commiserations to James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Rob Beckett.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25CHEERING
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:32 > 0:30:36# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:38 > 0:30:41# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:43 > 0:30:46# Read all about it
0:30:46 > 0:30:48# Read all about it
0:30:48 > 0:30:51# News of the world, news of the world. #