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0:00:31 > 0:00:34This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me
0:00:37 > 0:00:41this week are Andy Parsons, Ellie Taylor and Rob Beckett,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:55We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57On the board are six categories.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Ellie, which category would you like?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01- Science, please.- Science.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Yes. Whoop! Science! One up our team.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Your category is Science. The answer is seven months.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09What is the question?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Is it how old Princess Charlotte will be
0:01:11 > 0:01:14when the Daily Mail start commenting on her weight?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Is it, how long does my nephew think
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I've been playing hide and seek with him?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Is it how long until Sepp Blatter gets bummed in prison?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Is it how old was Jack Whitehall when he first appeared on this programme?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Is it, if I get a 30-second advert before a YouTube video,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40how long does that feel?
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- You can skip it in five!- You can't always skip, you can't always skip!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Some of them you have to prove you're over 18 as well, it's a nightmare.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Is it, if I was in charge, what would be the prison sentence
0:01:55 > 0:01:57for saying "chillax"?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Is it, how long does it take to get to Glasgow on a Megabus?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Dissing Megabus. I am the accepted face...
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- As if you've ever gone on a Megabus. - I'm on every Megabus.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Is it how long it takes Dara to start a sentence?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- "Eh...."- What?!
0:02:21 > 0:02:25What's this? Are you going on Britain's Got Talent now?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I really haven't got over that Britain's Got Talent thing.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30You've brought it up out of nowhere two weeks in a row!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33And I will continue to until I hunt that man down and kill him.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35It wasn't the fact he did it,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38it was the fact it was the snippet they chose -
0:02:38 > 0:02:42they take one second from each act and his was just him going "Ehh..."
0:02:42 > 0:02:45With a number underneath. "Ehh..."
0:02:45 > 0:02:470898 999!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"Ehh..." There's more to me than that!
0:02:50 > 0:02:51- Is there?- No.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53There's not.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Is it, to avoid suspicion, how long is Mo Farah
0:02:58 > 0:03:01planning to run his next 10,000m in?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04OK, correct answer, please?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Is it how long it took for me to get over seeing my dad in the bath?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11That's very quick, actually, isn't it?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- It took me four years.- Really?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15What were you doing looking at my dad?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21APPLAUSE
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Surely more the question is,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27what was your dad doing in his bath?!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Friday night's Friday night...
0:03:31 > 0:03:34It's to do with that thing on the comet.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36That thing...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Points to our team! - That's your correct answer?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"It's to do with that thing on the comet"?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- There's a thing...- I can't believe that this is the right answer.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Oh, my God.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47- Go on.- It's basically,
0:03:47 > 0:03:52how long was the space probe that landed on the comet asleep for?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Absolutely right, thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Well done, mate.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00The question I was looking for is,
0:04:00 > 0:04:04how long had the Philae lander spacecraft spent in hibernation
0:04:04 > 0:04:06after it landed on a comet in November last year.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09After seven months of receiving no contact from Philae,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11the European Space Agency revealed over the weekend
0:04:11 > 0:04:13that the probe had made contact with scientists again.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Fantastic, wasn't it? Basically the signal apparently takes half an hour
0:04:17 > 0:04:22to get to Earth, and the battery lasted 87 seconds.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26That is a bit like being on O2 with an iPhone 4, that, isn't it?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30The tweet that was sent from the Philae account just said:
0:04:32 > 0:04:34If I was in charge of the Twitter account,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I'd have just put, "Oh, shit! Aliens!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I can't believe it's got reception in space.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I can't even get Wi-Fi in my kitchen.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I think it's quite interesting that as a British probe,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47it was like, it didn't do anything for seven months,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50got a little bit of sunshine and was like, "Ooh!" - got all excited.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I reckon he's got a little knotted hanky on his head up there,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55organising some rounders and a barbecue...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58He'll be complaining about the heat soon. "Too hot now."
0:04:58 > 0:05:01There's an exact moment where it's just the right amount of heat
0:05:01 > 0:05:04before "Oh, God, I'm tired of barbecues now."
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Apparently it reported back that the average temperature of the comet,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11-50 degrees.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15So apparently Fifa are thinking of awarding it the 2026 World Cup.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I looked up at the plough the other day and I thought to myself,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21"I really regret lying down in this field."
0:05:25 > 0:05:27What they said, though, didn't they,
0:05:27 > 0:05:31it was essentially like chucking a washing machine
0:05:31 > 0:05:34out of an airliner and trying to land it
0:05:34 > 0:05:36on a space the size of Regent's Park.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Now, I used to live near Regent's Park, in Camden,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and a lot of the back gardens did have washing machines in them.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47So I reckon they've had a few cracks at this experiment.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49It looks well technical. Is it a Dyson?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Who's taken that photo? That's what I want to know.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- That's not actually...- He's got a selfie stick, that's what it is.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59They've discovered though, that apparently,
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- the water on the comet is not the right water.- No.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05It's not the right water as Earth.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- It's not the right water. - How does that work?
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Did they find fizzy instead of still? What's going on?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14How different can the water be? Can you still have a bath in it?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Yes.- Can you still see Rob's dad in there?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Yes!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22If I close my eyes, I can still see Rob's dad in there.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Seven months!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28How has the behaviour of Western tourists
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- upset people in Malaysia recently? - Oh...
0:06:31 > 0:06:35this is the girl that stripped off on top of the mountain.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Yes, it's Escape From Boobs Mountain.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41She said that they didn't know it was an issue,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44but you just presume that when you to go places...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Like, if I walk into St Paul's Cathedral,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I'm not looking for a sign with like a penis with a red cross through it.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I'm just going, "They don't want to see my cock."
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Just swaying gently - "I don't see it written anywhere."
0:07:02 > 0:07:07"You produce a rule book for me, and I'll stop...motioning like this."
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Basically, wasn't there six days between her getting her kit off
0:07:11 > 0:07:14and the earthquake? So those gods, they took quite a long time
0:07:14 > 0:07:17to decide to be offended, didn't they?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I'm wondering if they spent a lot of that time just looking at the photos.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It has become a thing. This is one of the photographs taken of them.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- They're all doing it. - It's a weird trend.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30We have them up mountains, people do it... Yeah, all right.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- That one was me.- Next to a canyon, champ, it's not going to impress.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Oh!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38This is, you know, that's Harry Styles, for a start.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40They actually didn't know each other,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42they're just meeting for the first time.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45"Hey, bonjour!" "Bonjour!"
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"Oh, I know, my washing machine is on a comet."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54APPLAUSE
0:07:54 > 0:07:58And how is an Italian neuroscientist hoping to make medical history?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01This is brilliant, this is an absolutely fantastic story.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05He is planning to give someone a head transplant.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Or to take someone's head off and transplant it on to another body.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12It's a bit ridiculous, though, innit? Like, how in demand are heads?
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Who's at home going, "Finally, I can get a head now! All these years!"
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I think you've mixed up a head transplant and a body transplant.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22No-one is going, "If only my body had the head it deserved!"
0:08:22 > 0:08:23I am.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27You are quite ripped, aren't you?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I reckon he's on the blag. He'll get two people that look quite similar,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33get rid of one of them and just do a little dotted line round the neck.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35"Done it! Nailed it."
0:08:35 > 0:08:39But you would never, ever want to be a head donor, would you?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Cos that just sounds like a PC job title for a prostitute.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I don't think - and I know little enough about the sex industry -
0:08:48 > 0:08:50that they regard it as a donation.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Well, you are GIVING head. - Yes, you are!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- Also...- Speak for yourself!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- You know.- Maybe they go,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"The head is free, it's the companionship you're paying for."
0:09:06 > 0:09:09If you hadn't seen somebody for ages,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12and whenever you had seen them they'd always been in a wheelchair,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15and then you suddenly saw them walking along the street,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18you'd be quite freaked out by that, wouldn't you, right?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22But it would not be as freaky as if you thought somebody had died
0:09:22 > 0:09:25and then you saw them walking along the street
0:09:25 > 0:09:28with exactly the same tattoos as the person who died.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31That would freak you right out, wouldn't it?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Would there be an element of, you would want...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36You know, I don't know if you can request "no tattoos", though...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39You'd wake up and be, like, "Why is THAT pierced?!"
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"I'm not married to Mabel! What the hell is this doing here?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"This is going to be awkward when I go home."
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I love that your go-to name for a wife was Mabel.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51It's... It's actually Mary, I thought it was too Irish.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I thought, "Oh, I better pick something English.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"Mabel! That's a standard English name."
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"Have you met my beautiful wife Mabel?"
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- If you put a head on someone else's body...- Yeah.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06..are heads gender-specific?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Do they have to go on the same...? - That's a very interesting question.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10You'd have to find the match.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Sometimes a head is much too large for a body...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- so, for example, if your head... - Right...
0:10:16 > 0:10:20..was to go, was to go on Posh Spice, that would look...
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- that would look ridiculous. - She'd be lolling...
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Difficult to know which of us it is, would be lolling ferociously.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I would be having some confusing feelings looking at that.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Who would you be blocking out? Seriously, Josh, be honest with me.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Would you be blocking out me or Posh in this situation?
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Or would you be like those superhero mashup toys?
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- Which Spice Girl would they choose, then?- Posh, I think.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51No, they'd choose Scary, cos she's like, you know... Built.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Sporty Spice?- I don't think they give you a catalogue of all...
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- of just the Spice Girls. - Oh, totally misunderstood the story.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03"I need a new body." "Well, these are your five exact choices."
0:11:03 > 0:11:05"Oh, that seems unusual, erm..."
0:11:05 > 0:11:08So I could choose one of the All Saints?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11If you can remember their names.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Essentially,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15that's what the Sugababes have been for about ten years, anyway.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19And the points go to Rob, Ellie and Andy!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21APPLAUSE
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Now we play a round called Third Mock From The Sun.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31This game involves Ellie and Milton, so if you could make your way
0:11:31 > 0:11:34to the performance area, please. This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:36 > 0:11:40one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42OK, here we go, let's have a look at the first topic.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46And the first subject is relationships.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Ellie...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52So, I've got quite a close relationship with my sister,
0:11:52 > 0:11:56and she's got my little nephew, Henry, who is, erm, a prick...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01No, he is, don't take his side, you haven't met him.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Erm, because before he came along I was the youngest in the family,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I was the baby of the family, which we all know is the socially acceptable
0:12:07 > 0:12:09way for saying, "Favourite!"
0:12:09 > 0:12:14A role I was born to play, until my sister, Slaggy McSlaggyson,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17got herself knocked up by some dude she had barely been married to
0:12:17 > 0:12:19for six years.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Suddenly it was all about her and the baby within!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Now, initially, naively, I did actually get quite excited
0:12:26 > 0:12:29about the pregnancy. Cos I think, especially from a female
0:12:29 > 0:12:32point of view you wouldn't be human if you didn't get excited about
0:12:32 > 0:12:34your sister putting on a lot of weight.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Had a lot of fun with that. We did. I changed her ringtone to the
0:12:40 > 0:12:43sound of a large lorry reversing.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Just sisterly banter, really. But the banter stopped when the baby came,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49cos suddenly it was all about him.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51No-one paid me any attention any more.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I don't know if you've ever had like a family dinner with a small child
0:12:55 > 0:12:57around - it's a nightmare. There's food being thrown,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00there's shit everywhere, there's tits hanging out...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02You name it, I tried it - still nothing.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- Thank you.- Ellie Taylor! Very good.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13OK, that leaves us with Milton, let's see what you've been given,
0:13:13 > 0:13:14let's spin the wheel.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19And the topic is Entertainment.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I'm reading a book at the moment - it's called The Anticlimax.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26The first part is good...
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I see Rihanna had to cancel a concert
0:13:34 > 0:13:37because she got salmonella, ella, ella...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I also see...
0:13:41 > 0:13:44that down by the Thames they're making another wheel,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46this time dedicated to Mary Poppins, called the
0:13:46 > 0:13:49London Umdiddleddiddlediddleumdiddl-eye.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57My grandmother - she got her scarf caught in one of those
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Ferris wheels. But she did regain consciousness, after all,
0:14:00 > 0:14:01what goes around...
0:14:07 > 0:14:12I was in a nativity play once, I was the man who scares the children
0:14:12 > 0:14:15cos he comes into the hall on the wrong day to play badminton.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Lionel Richie says hello, by the way.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30The other day, I saw a sheep pole dancing...
0:14:30 > 0:14:32in a kebab shop.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Thank you very, very much. OK...and the points go to Milton Jones...!
0:14:40 > 0:14:44APPLAUSE
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:14:53 > 0:14:55what's happening. So, what's going on here?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00You know that thing when a dog's eaten a bee?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Is David Cameron going, "Six pages - is this really the complete
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"list of taxpayers in Greece?"?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Is it, David Cameron can almost smell the shit coming off
0:15:13 > 0:15:14the Tory manifesto?
0:15:16 > 0:15:17APPLAUSE
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I got a bit political, didn't I?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Is he looking at the tea menu and he's saying,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27"I'll have the millionaire's shortbread,
0:15:27 > 0:15:29"or as I call it, shortbread"?
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Is it Cameron upset to see no Dizzee Rascal on the karaoke song book?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41He does a very good Bonkers, actually. A very good Bonkers.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Is it Cameron orders Eton mess for dessert and for the country?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Sorry... Has Rob Beckett had a head transplant?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I've got a tiny dick now but I love politics.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Have you got a third joke that you're going to do about...?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Go on!
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Cameron preparing to sell NHS at auction.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23It's fun doing politics, isn't it?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25What a time to be alive!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Is that Cameron checking the TV listings, going,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"Rob Beckett's on Mock The Week, that's the end of me, then"?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37"His hard-hitting caustic satire is finishing me, it's finishing me.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"He's mocking me on that Week."
0:16:39 > 0:16:42If the joke's not good enough, just put your hand up in the air.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45"Am I right, brothers, am I right? Yeah.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48"Me dad's in the bath and I've got some politics, let's go!"
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Is it Cameron reading a note that just says,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55"David, this is the only way I could speak to you.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57"I haven't heard from you since May the 7th, call me,
0:16:57 > 0:16:58"Nick, xoxo."
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Or is he just going, "Oh, it says here,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04"Nick Clegg is, in fact, doing
0:17:04 > 0:17:07"the Sheffield panto at Christmas, that's what it says here"?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09He's bounced back.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13This, I think, is Cameron at the G7, isn't it?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16It is, absolutely, yes. It's Cameron at the G7,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18why is he having these high-level meetings?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21He's trying to kind of get them to make some changes to the EU
0:17:21 > 0:17:24to convince... Cos we're doing this whole EU vote.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28I think the EU is misbranded. No-one would want to leave
0:17:28 > 0:17:31if they called it The League of Legends.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35If they said, "Do you want to leave The League of Legends?"
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I'd go, "No, mate, I'm the chairman."
0:17:37 > 0:17:39We've got to vote again, already. I only voted...
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- It's in two years' time. - Oh, I'm going to start feeling like
0:17:42 > 0:17:45a paedo standing round school halls at eight in the morning.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- It's embarrassing.- You don't have to wait around for two years...
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- I strongly advise not to. - I'm into politics now!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- I want to think about it. - What does he...? What's his...?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59He wants major concessions, mainly on free movement of people,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- on immigration.- Yes, that is...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04essentially the whole point of it, is that you can't.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07You can't deny benefits to people cos you've got to treat them
0:18:07 > 0:18:11as your own citizens, right. So how's he going to stop European immigrants?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Easy for you to say, Dara, you've been claiming off us for ten years, mate.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18All right, don't cheer that.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21"Yeah, finally somebody has the nerve to say it...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23"to Mr Giant Head Posh Leg."
0:18:24 > 0:18:28It would be brilliant if Ukip made you a campaign issue!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- "Eh!"- Stop this, man.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35To "eh" is human.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38With a big picture of me.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Big pictures of me going like that...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42"This man, bam, bam, bam!"
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Picture of me, "Mm." Just grabbing all your cash. "Ha-ha-ha!"
0:18:47 > 0:18:48"Toora loora loora!"
0:18:53 > 0:18:5630 years ago it was all Warsaw Pact, Warsaw Pact...
0:18:56 > 0:18:58but now it's empty.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09If we leave Europe we'll have to pay more for Kinder Eggs.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Cos they're going up as it is.- Yeah, I know.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17If we leave Europe, we'll get the egg and we'll open it up
0:19:17 > 0:19:19and there will be no toy.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21ALL: AW!
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Oh, I did not expect that to have quite the effect it had.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Wow, somebody just cancelled Christmas...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31What we could do is deliver France an ultimatum
0:19:31 > 0:19:35saying that if we don't get our way, we'll call Greggs a patisserie.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40APPLAUSE
0:19:42 > 0:19:46In other news, why is an American civil rights campaigner in trouble this week?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Basically, she's been pretending to be black, hasn't she?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- She is. - She was born of white parents.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56There's childhood pictures of her with fair skin
0:19:56 > 0:19:59and fair hair. She's, essentially, the opposite of Michael Jackson,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01isn't she?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04She's gone on a very different journey, I'll give you that.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07That is Rachel Dolezal as a teenager, I presume...
0:20:08 > 0:20:10And then here she is today.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Where she now claims to be black.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19And works for the NAACP which is a...
0:20:19 > 0:20:23She doesn't actually look black in the second shot, she looks orange.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27She has now resigned her job but maybe Atomic Kitten can take her on.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30It could be Netflix.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Orange Is The New Black might be the...
0:20:35 > 0:20:38APPLAUSE
0:20:38 > 0:20:41It might be just a little lie that's got out of hand.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43We've all lied in the past to impress people.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47I once told a girl I was Swedish, which was hard to keep up.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Now we're married.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51"Herring, darling?"
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I'm going to IKEA three times a week just for new words.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01She's kind of lied about her race to get this job, potentially.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I don't know what I'd do. If my agent came to me
0:21:03 > 0:21:08and said, "They're going to recast The Fresh Prince of Bel Air...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"I've got you an audition for the lead role."
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I don't know whether I'd do it.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17You want to be in Poldark, mate. That's the one for you.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Take your shirt off.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I thought you'd never ask.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24You sound like Rob Beckett's dad.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30APPLAUSE
0:21:32 > 0:21:34If this makes the edit, he'll be loving this.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Down the pub going, "It was me in the bath"
0:21:38 > 0:21:41She has resigned her job, this lady who pretended to be black,
0:21:41 > 0:21:46and was dobbed in by her parents, which is the bit that's really mean.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Her estranged parents, because, apparently...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I love the word "estranged," I've always loved "estranged."
0:21:51 > 0:21:55When I was a kid and they'd say, "And his estranged wife",
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I just presumed it meant strange.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"Have you met my wife?" "'ALLO! 'ALLO!"
0:22:03 > 0:22:06"He don't want to talk about me! ARGH!"
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"I'm Mabel!"
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"Crazy Mabel, is she able? That's what they say about me!"
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Remember when this show was about the news?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19It used to be! People complain it's not topical enough.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Fuck you!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23APPLAUSE
0:22:25 > 0:22:29OK, at the end of that round the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31APPLAUSE
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See so if everyone can
0:22:36 > 0:22:39make their way over to the performance area, I'll read out
0:22:39 > 0:22:41this week's topics and then we'll see
0:22:41 > 0:22:44what our panellists can come up with.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54This is the most terrifying animal you can see in the wild.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57It has the body of Posh Spice...
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Of course, if you're on an expedition,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06you must always make sure you boil all the water.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09This can really slow you down if you come to a lake.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It's been 17 days since my last proper meal
0:23:17 > 0:23:21and I am beach body ready, bitches!
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Bear, are you related to George Foreman Grills?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35APPLAUSE
0:23:38 > 0:23:42I've not had a bath for days on end,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45and that's because Rob Beckett's dad is in there.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49APPLAUSE
0:23:50 > 0:23:55There is barely any water here so we've been collecting our urine,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58but this morning some of it was gone,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01and that is taking the piss.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04APPLAUSE
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I spent three days in the jungle
0:24:09 > 0:24:11with nothing to eat but raw caterpillars.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I remember the moment I walked back into civilisation.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17There were a few butterflies in my stomach, I can tell you.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24When I was thirsty, I was forced to drink my own urine.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I'm now hungry
0:24:26 > 0:24:28and dreading dinner.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33APPLAUSE
0:24:33 > 0:24:36When you're in the wild, you've got to remember what you learn at Scouts.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Don't tell anyone our little secret.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Well, night is falling, it's raining and I'm in the shelter
0:24:48 > 0:24:51but it still feels dangerous here.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53There are six teenagers staring at me
0:24:53 > 0:24:55and the bus doesn't arrive for 20 minutes.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02If you suddenly see a bear extremely close to you,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05the best thing to do, stand stock still,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07pull down your trousers
0:25:07 > 0:25:10and just let it have sex with you.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19On the men's island, Derek's drinking coconut water
0:25:19 > 0:25:21because Derek's a hipster twat.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29After three months totally alone on the island,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31it's amazing that John hasn't gone mad.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Isn't that right, John?
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Yeah, it is, yeah.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44So, I've managed to make a raft to escape the island
0:25:44 > 0:25:46by smashing up some boats.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56OK. The next topic is...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon and welcome to Waitrose,
0:26:04 > 0:26:05you smug, rich, pricks.
0:26:10 > 0:26:16This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Would somebody please go to the Power Tools aisle
0:26:18 > 0:26:20and get me a drill?
0:26:24 > 0:26:28If you see an unattended bag, please don't report it.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Remember,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32you're in World Of Luggage.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Good evening, ladies, Top Shop will be closing in five minutes.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Please make your way to the till,
0:26:43 > 0:26:44unless you're over 30,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48in which case, piss off to M&S, you ancient old hag.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53This is an announcement
0:26:53 > 0:26:56for the front desk of the swimming baths.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Could Dr Someone's-done-a-shit- in-the-pool please come to reception?
0:27:09 > 0:27:14Would the couple having sex in aisle two please stop?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Spillage in aisle two.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26The 16:25 has unfortunately been cancelled
0:27:26 > 0:27:30and has been replaced by a replacement bus service.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34EasyJet would like to apologise for all passengers
0:27:34 > 0:27:36who are going to Greece.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44I only work in the Post Office for the crumpet. Watch this.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"Widow number two, please."
0:27:54 > 0:27:57In tonight's performance of Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang,
0:27:57 > 0:28:02the part of the child catcher will be played by a 1970s TV presenter.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Welcome to Sexist Airways,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12I'm just going to pop on the seatbelt sign for a moment
0:28:12 > 0:28:15because we're swapping to a lady pilot.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25We are now coming in to land in Russia
0:28:25 > 0:28:28where the local time is 1956.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37Welcome aboard the one-way Saga Service Special to Switzerland.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40AUDIENCE SIGHS
0:28:41 > 0:28:42I was trying to have a laugh!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45LAUGHTER
0:28:45 > 0:28:48HE MIMICS ALARM
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Attention to the submarine crew of HMS Nando's,
0:28:52 > 0:28:55be careful not to burn your eyes on the peri-peri scope.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Lost children can be found at the Lost Children Tent.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07If they're not claimed by the end of the day, they will be destroyed.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Welcome to Megabus.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19Things haven't worked out quite as well as you were hoping, have they?
0:29:23 > 0:29:27Welcome to the Sexist Supermarket.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Check out number three.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34APPLAUSE
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Again that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40APPLAUSE
0:29:43 > 0:29:45And that's the end of the show.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Ellie Taylor
0:29:48 > 0:29:50and Rob Beckett.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53CHEERING
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Commiserations to Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00CHEERING
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain, good night.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07APPLAUSE
0:30:07 > 0:30:12# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:12 > 0:30:18# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:18 > 0:30:23# Read all about it Read all about it
0:30:23 > 0:30:27# News of the World News of the World. #