0:00:03 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:19# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:35This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Joining me this week
0:00:39 > 0:00:41are Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and James Acaster,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55On the board are six categories.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Sara, which category would you like?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I will have World News, please.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00OK, World News it is.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04The answer is 1.6 billion. What is the question?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Is it, how many immigrants are so lazy
0:01:07 > 0:01:10they haven't even bothered to come over here...
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Is it what, in decibels, is Brian Blessed?
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Is it, when they go back to it,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24how many drachma will there be to the euro?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28For about a week or so.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Is it how many Scottish people
0:01:30 > 0:01:33now say they voted yes in the referendum?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Is it, what was the crucial missing ingredient
0:01:38 > 0:01:40from England's bid for the 2022 World Cup?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Is it, how much are cats owed in YouTube advertising?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Is it, when I went on Dragons' Den, how much did I want
0:01:56 > 0:01:59for a 2% share in my body Hoover business?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- AS DUNCAN BANNATYNE:- James, James, James. Talk numbers.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- How many...? What's your turnover? - Well...
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Well, Deborah...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I haven't really got the numbers in my head -
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- that's what they say, isn't it? - Right, I'm oot.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Is it, what is the Count in Sesame Street up to now?
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Do you think he's just somewhere in a bar, just still counting?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30This tiny, Transylvanian puppet in a bar.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34"1.5 - ah-ah-ahhhh!"
0:02:35 > 0:02:39If you go and use a Glastonbury toilet, is it,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42how many people seem to have used that toilet before you have?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Is it, what number, when typed into a calculator
0:02:46 > 0:02:48and turned upside down becomes
0:02:48 > 0:02:50"OooooooooGI!"
0:02:58 > 0:03:03Is it, after you've popped, how many Pringles can you eat...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05before you MUST stop?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Is it, since I started this sentence,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13how much further has Greece got into debt?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15SARA: To do with Greece, isn't it?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17It's to do with Greece, yes. We're dancing round it.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19What has 1.6 billion got to do with Greece?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20This is the amount in euros
0:03:20 > 0:03:24that Greece is supposed to pay back to the IMF by the 30th of June.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27You're absolutely right. Thank you very much, Sara Pascoe.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Well done. Yes. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:31 > 0:03:32The question I was looking for was,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35how much money in euros does Greece need to repay
0:03:35 > 0:03:37to the International Monetary Fund by the 30th of June -
0:03:37 > 0:03:40that's next Tuesday - or risk crashing out of the Eurozone.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42But it is a loan, isn't it?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44What they've got is a loan. I think it might solve itself.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Are we certain they haven't got PPI?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Do you think...? Wouldn't that be great?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Just on the day before they have to pay back,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Alexander Tsipras, the Greek Prime Minister,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57gets a phone call saying...
0:03:57 > 0:04:01"We have been trying to contact you."
0:04:01 > 0:04:02That's the Greek PM.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05He seems thrilled with that particular development.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07He looks so coy. He literally looks like...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10That is the face that people do when you go up to them and go,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12"Where's my money?" He's like, "Money?"
0:04:13 > 0:04:15There's lots of ways of raising money, aren't there?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I'd have thought. They've got lots of stuff.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20They could have a big episode of the Antiques Roadshow,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22they'd raise quite a lot of money.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25They could use plastic plates at weddings.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26That'd save a lot of money
0:04:28 > 0:04:29And then if they fail...
0:04:29 > 0:04:32If they fail, what's the term called for what will happen to them?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Grexit.- Grexit.- I like that. - It's a great term, isn't it?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36I just don't like it being shortened.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Cos I like it when the papers call it "a messy Greek exit",
0:04:39 > 0:04:42cos that sounds like a pornography description.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I like when they say, "The Greeks have been warned of Grexit,"
0:04:45 > 0:04:48like Grexit is this thing which is going to emerge from the sea.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50In a kind of...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52With his eyes so red, and a scary nose
0:04:52 > 0:04:54And a horrible wart and his horrible toes
0:04:54 > 0:04:56The Grexit!
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Greggs-it just also sounds like the door on the way out of a Greggs,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02doesn't it? That's what confuses me about it.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Don't they have that above the door in Greggs?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07If you eat yourself to death on pasties,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09that is a Greggs-it, I think.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15This, by the way, is not a Greggs in Athens. This...
0:05:15 > 0:05:18This is people going, "Er, my money please."
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I've seen queues like that
0:05:19 > 0:05:22in Leicester Square on a Saturday night.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Not into a bank, presumably.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I've seen long queues at cash machines, just on busy nights.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- They might be going for a bed... - Many times. It means nothing!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32You're playing into the hands of the European Commission
0:05:32 > 0:05:34and their misinformation!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Shit, I don't know what happened there.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41You're telling me that, essentially, all these people are on a night out,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43and they just want...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45a few quid?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:47 > 0:05:51There are crisis negotiations taking place between the IMF
0:05:51 > 0:05:55and, well, the troika of different bodies that have lent money to them
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and the Greeks, and I think the Greeks will win the negotiation.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00And I'm willing to go on the line for this
0:06:00 > 0:06:02because, with only some time to go during the negotiations,
0:06:02 > 0:06:03with the Greeks going,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06"Please, give us... Bail us out, bail us out, bail us out."
0:06:06 > 0:06:09All they need to do... They've got one card the Greeks can play,
0:06:09 > 0:06:13which is they can play that music which means you will eventually...
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Cos it starts...
0:06:14 > 0:06:17It starts just quietly, in the background, just slowly...
0:06:17 > 0:06:18MUSIC: Zorba's Dance
0:06:18 > 0:06:20"Give us some money." "No."
0:06:20 > 0:06:22"Give us some money." "No."
0:06:22 > 0:06:24"Give us some money." "No."
0:06:24 > 0:06:25And then, over time, slowly,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28the pressure builds on this music until eventually, it's like...
0:06:28 > 0:06:29MUSIC SPEEDS UP
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"Give us some money." "No." "Give us some money." "No." "Give us some money."
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Eventually, I believe, it gets faster and faster until...
0:06:35 > 0:06:36MUSIC GETS VERY FAST
0:06:36 > 0:06:39"Give us money, give us money, give us money, give us money, give us money."
0:06:39 > 0:06:42And they go, "Have the cash. Take the cash and go. Leave me alone."
0:06:42 > 0:06:44APPLAUSE
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Really, I just wanted you to spend the rest of the evening going...
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- LIKE ZORBA'S DANCE: - "Doing, dang-dang-dang-dang..."
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- Could you hear that as well?- Yeah.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Oh, thank God.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I was worried there for a second.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02So this is all... I find it really confusing
0:07:02 > 0:07:05when it's like the money and the economics of it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08So, actually, it becomes a lot easier if you convert it to alcohol,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and think that the ECB is a brewery and the EU as a pub
0:07:11 > 0:07:14and all of the countries put their alcohol behind the bar,
0:07:14 > 0:07:15but we need more drink.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18The only way we can make more drink is we water it down.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19And Germany won't let us do that,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22and they're in charge cos they make the best drink, which is beer.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Greece only have ouzo, which is the worst drink
0:07:25 > 0:07:29and we knew they only had ouzo, we shouldn't have let them join the pub,
0:07:29 > 0:07:30but we did because we were hammered.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36And who hasn't let the wrong person in when they were drunk, eh, girls? So...
0:07:36 > 0:07:40And now, Greece has passed out, it's too drunk,
0:07:40 > 0:07:41and Germany is trying to sober them up.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"And why can't we just kick them out of the bar?"
0:07:44 > 0:07:48"Oh, because they've started a tab, and not on their card.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"We all started a joint account for some reason."
0:07:51 > 0:07:54And this is supposed to have simplified things in your head?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:07:57 > 0:08:00It's all much neater now,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04and the solution is, we should let Wetherspoons sort it out.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Did they not withdraw 4 billion Euro or something last week?
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- It's a real genuine problem, isn't it?- People taking all their money out, yeah.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14And then they started hiding the money.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Everybody started hiding cash. And they say "in secret places."
0:08:18 > 0:08:20They're hiding their money in frozen chickens.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22This was the strangest hiding place I heard about.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25They put them in the freezer. They put the money into the chicken.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27We shouldn't know about that.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31That's... The whole point of hiding is it's a secret.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35We live in England, and we know where they have had their money.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38It should not have got back to me.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Can we play the music again? - I love the music. One more time.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44MUSIC: Zorba's Dance
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Does the show start again?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51SARA: Oh, my God! This is so fun!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Are they going faster than us? They're going too fast.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01MUSIC AND CLAPPING SPEED UP
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Does this table take our combined weight? We can all get on it.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07CLAPPING DROWNS SPEECH
0:09:09 > 0:09:13I'm sure the people of Greece will be absolutely delighted.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17There is an issue of how it will affect holiday-makers and British tourists going over.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20There was a statement that said that holiday-makers should bring over cash,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and the statement came from...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25muggers.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Travel agents suggested people bring cash
0:09:29 > 0:09:31and credit cards or debit cards.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35So there goes my plan to use magic beans as currency.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38What did you think we were bringing?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Also, guys, if you're planning a holiday, think about getting a passport.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45If you arrived in Athens customs and said, "Do I have a passport? No.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"But I have...money!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"Making it rain! Making it rain!"
0:09:51 > 0:09:54People scrabbling around with their chickens.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57You wonder why people are going on holiday to Greece.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00People going, "Oh, well, it's cheap sunshine."
0:10:00 > 0:10:04But you're thinking, "Well, Syria is cheap sunshine, isn't it?"
0:10:04 > 0:10:07OK, you don't maybe get the level of service there,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10but just think of the number of people that will be
0:10:10 > 0:10:13at the UK airport to greet you on your return home.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19It has got fantastic weather, it's got beautiful beaches, it's got fantastic food.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22And if you are eating out in Greece, my advice would be:
0:10:22 > 0:10:24try the chicken.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I'm sure the people of Greece will be absolutely delighted.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Well, I'm sure they're going, "Well, the one thing we have is Mock The Week." Click.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Oh, for fuck's sakes! "During this difficult time,
0:10:35 > 0:10:39"the one thing we've always been able to rely on is...
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"Oh, but now they're doing our dance wrong. Incorrectly."
0:10:42 > 0:10:46The music comes on, I want to do lobster hands, for some random reason.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I keep doing this. Like it's a pincer dance.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Ahhh!
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- They're getting closer! - MUSIC: Zorba's Dance
0:11:08 > 0:11:10MUSIC STOPS
0:11:11 > 0:11:15At the end of that round points go to James, Sara and Andy.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Now we play a round called Your Grexits Are Here, Here And Here.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27This game involves James and Gary,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the wheel of news, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37one of the performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40OK. Here we go. The first subject is...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Parties. Who wants to come in with that? James.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48I went to a surprise party, recently. For my friend, Darryl.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54We were all in his living room, all of us in the dark, hiding.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58His girlfriend turned to us all, she went,
0:11:58 > 0:12:03"Right, he's got to be here in a minute. When he gets in, everyone jump out, yell 'surprise,'
0:12:03 > 0:12:06"and that will be really surprising."
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I argued it would be a lot more surprising if,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10instead of making all that commotion,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13we all just stood there in his living room in the dark, just...
0:12:20 > 0:12:24When he comes in, turns the lights on, see how surprised he is then.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29It was a good party. I schmoozed. I'm good at schmoozing.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Buttering people up. I'll give you some schmoozing tips, why not?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36A lot of people will tell you when you are schmoozing,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39have a good icebreaker, break the ice.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42What they won't tell you - at the end of the conversation, UNBREAK the ice.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44You don't want anyone else swooping in,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47taking advantage of all the lovely little ice cubes that you created.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50So freeze it over again before you leave.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54As you're leaving, just slide something under the fence like,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57"death comes to us all," something like that.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01APPLAUSE
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Thank you very much. Well done, James.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11So, Gary is left, let's see what topic you have, Gary.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15And the topic is childhood.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22I didn't know what to get my little niece for Christmas,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24so I asked my sister what she's into,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27and apparently at the moment she's mad about Frozen stuff,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30so I got her some oven chips and peas.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33They love that.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Every Christmas Day we'd always have pigs in blankets,
0:13:36 > 0:13:40or, as you probably call them, relatives sleeping in the spare room.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44"Winnie the Poo" -
0:13:44 > 0:13:48possibly the most vindictive chapter in Nelson Mandela's autobiography.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54It was only after I shot the fifth zombie that I started to wonder
0:13:54 > 0:13:58why they were all carrying bags of sweets and ringing my doorbell.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I've been trying to recapture my lost youth.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I really must get that cellar door fixed.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14One time, when I was a kid, I bought a chocolate bar.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16On the inside of the wrapper it said, "You're a loser."
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I wouldn't mind if there had been some sort of competition on.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22To make things worse, it was a Boost.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29As a family, we couldn't decide whether to have Nana
0:14:29 > 0:14:31buried or cremated, so in the end, we let her live.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39My 13-year-old cousin has already started taking heroin.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41It's amazing, isn't it? They shoot up so fast these days.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Well done. Very good. Points there for Gary Delaney.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Everyone come back.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:15:00 > 0:15:03what's happening, so what is going on here?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Is he going, "Do you want to know why I'm called Trump?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10"Pull my finger!"
0:15:12 > 0:15:14This is taken at Comic Con and this is actually a guest
0:15:14 > 0:15:17appearance by Sloth from The Goonies.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Are you sure he's not just showing how
0:15:21 > 0:15:22he got the money into the chicken?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26"I've really got to get up there.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"Right in there. Just got to get it up there. Up there! That's it."
0:15:29 > 0:15:33They've asked him, "Donald, how many Mexican immigrants is too many?"
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Is the caption, "What's orange, angry
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"and never going to be president?"?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46No, the picture is Donald Trump has announced he is standing for the
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Republican nomination as president in the election this year.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Did you watch the speech? His magical, glorious...
0:15:53 > 0:15:56all-welcoming speech?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00The people who came really badly out of his speech were Mexicans, weren't they?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03He's like Nigel Farage. He's really worried about immigration, so his plan,
0:16:03 > 0:16:09if he becomes president, is he's going to build a 2,000 mile-long wall
0:16:09 > 0:16:11between the US and Mexico,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14so he's going to build a great wall to keep people out
0:16:14 > 0:16:16and, at the same time, his next point was
0:16:16 > 0:16:19he's not going to be influenced by China.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Who is he going to use to build the wall?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33He said other stupid things.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36He said that all of the women on The Apprentice were either
0:16:36 > 0:16:39flirting with him consciously, or unconsciously, and...
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Genuinely, he said that, and a word of warning,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45if they're unconscious, they're not flirting.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47That's an important lesson.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Ultimately, it's going to come down to Bush versus Clinton, isn't it?
0:16:56 > 0:17:01In a nation that fought a war to rid itself of hereditary rulers.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Jeb speaks fluent English, fluent Spanish, doesn't he?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08So, two more than his brother George.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Jeb Bush is quite multicultural for a Republican, though, isn't he?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Yes, he is.- He's married to a Mexican, which just goes to show that, in America,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Mexicans do all the jobs that they don't want to do.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27In other news, which iconic building might need to be shut soon?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- It's the Houses of Parliament. - It is.- The Palace of Westminster.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- I never know the difference. - The Palace of Westminster is the entire thing.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- So, the building needs repairs. - It does need repairs.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It's all, kind of, falling apart and full of mice.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- It was originally a royal palace. I don't know why I'm telling you all this.- Are we on a tour?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- I used to be a tour guide... - You actually worked as a tour guide?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Yeah, for about four years.- In there?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- No, on London buses, so pointing at stuff.- Oh, you were doing that.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Yeah, and Parliament is incredible to talk about.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57It's perpendicular Gothic, which was influenced by... AUDIENCE MUTTERS
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"Yeah, please tell us more. This is why we came to watch Mock The Week."
0:18:00 > 0:18:03It was influenced by a tiny bit of Westminster Abbey.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07There's eight Japanese tourists who haven't been getting anything else
0:18:07 > 0:18:09and are now going, "Oh. Very good."
0:18:09 > 0:18:11When you say it used to be a royal palace,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- are there palaces that are not royal?- Yeah.- Are there?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Crystal Palace.- Yeah! Very good!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- Very good!- Palace Tandoori.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22That's down near my way.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25What have they found inside there?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- Mice.- It's infested with vermin or, at least, that's what the rats say.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34With the mice, moths and foxes.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Foxes are running wild within the palace.- That's not surprising!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Just scavenging members of the Lib Dems who seem to have fallen
0:18:41 > 0:18:42away from the group.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45"Well, we had eight when we arrived here,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48"but one has been picked off by the foxes."
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Three billions worth of repairs that are needed.- Yes, the very minimum.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57And there's 56 new SNP MPs who've been celebrating their arses off
0:18:57 > 0:18:59over the last two weeks,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02so you're thinking, are those two things related?
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Three billion of repairs and a hell of a party from the Scottish MPs.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12You think that 50 Scottish MPs have done £3 billion worth of damage?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14That'd be brilliant if they had, wouldn't it?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18And they're back on the train up to Edinburgh with Big Ben under their arm. "Hey!"
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"Happy times all round. I've got Big Ben!"
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Going up to people, "Got the time?"
0:19:28 > 0:19:32One of the suggestions though is to move the Parliament to Birmingham
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and David Cameron is all in favour of this, because that is the
0:19:35 > 0:19:38home town of the West Ham Football Club that he supports.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Has anyone seen anything about the new mascots?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Speaking of things that are...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- The new mascot for Partick Thistle Football Club...?- It's brilliant. - Seen a picture of it.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- It's designed by whom? - David Shrigley.- David Shrigley, a contemporary artist -
0:19:52 > 0:19:53a huge fan of David Shrigley's work -
0:19:53 > 0:19:57has designed a new mascot for the Partick Thistle Football Club,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00you know to gee the fans along, get them excited, raise the mood.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01This is the mascot.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- I love it.- There's your nightmares made real, isn't it?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11To think they could have just even just put some pupils in the eyes,
0:20:11 > 0:20:16just to give them less of an unseeing cataract...blind look.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18"Arghhh!"
0:20:18 > 0:20:23The face of eternal evil, "Stare into my void of eyes."
0:20:23 > 0:20:26The thing is, it is an important job.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Not only because you are geeing the crowd up and you keep them
0:20:28 > 0:20:30all entertained, but often,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32and this is one of my favourite things on the internet -
0:20:32 > 0:20:34people do collections of these -
0:20:34 > 0:20:36often the mascots will be required,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39usually because they have forgotten to get off the pitch in time,
0:20:39 > 0:20:44to stand at the minute's silence if a minute's silent is being held,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47and there is a fantastic collection of mascots who've had to
0:20:47 > 0:20:51look sombre or grave or respectful.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54This is a particular... I like this one.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57That is...
0:20:57 > 0:21:00That's the Bradford chicken. Billy Bantam, I think he's called,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02looking very disappointed.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07He's upset because some Greeks have just stored money up his bottom.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09The next one is again very serious.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18That's Baggie Bird from West Brom.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Add gimme one more. That is...
0:21:22 > 0:21:27That is the West Ham Hammer looking respectful,
0:21:27 > 0:21:32but it isn't able to change his face, which has a joyous bounty.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"Oh, I'm a quirky hammer. I'm a jolly hammer,
0:21:35 > 0:21:39"but, you know, there's times for reflection, as well."
0:21:39 > 0:21:42OK at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Gary!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Now, we've come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51So, if everyone can make their way to the performance area.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I'll read this week's topics, then see what our panellists
0:21:54 > 0:21:58can come up with. OK. Here we go. The first subject is...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00unlikely film trailers.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03- HOARSELY:- A man...
0:22:03 > 0:22:06A man who only wants one thing.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Strepsils. - BUZZ
0:22:15 > 0:22:18In his toughest assignment yet,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Peter Parker has to pick a peck of pickled peppercorns.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23BUZZ
0:22:27 > 0:22:34Drama, intrigue, romance, gardening, spoons. All these and other words
0:22:34 > 0:22:36in Dictionary: The Movie.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:39BUZZER
0:22:42 > 0:22:45All your favourite administrators are back in
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Human Resources 2: This Time It's Personnel.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:50BUZZER
0:22:52 > 0:22:55When a hairpiece gets possessed by the devil
0:22:55 > 0:22:57there will be Hell Toupee.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Huh?
0:23:00 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:02BUZZER
0:23:03 > 0:23:09He loves sex but he has no arms. Which position will he choose?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Missionary: Impossible.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER
0:23:14 > 0:23:16BUZZER
0:23:19 > 0:23:21If you see one film this year
0:23:21 > 0:23:23then you're probably a new parent.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24LAUGHTER
0:23:25 > 0:23:26BUZZER
0:23:28 > 0:23:31It was a love story that crossed the species barrier.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33He was a man, she was a cow.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Coming soon, Beef Encounter.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:40BUZZER
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Coming soon, a 3D film where you don't get bored halfway through
0:23:44 > 0:23:47and lift up the glasses to see what the screen looks like without it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:49BUZZER
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Every Year I Love You More, starring
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Michael Jackson and Benjamin Button.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00AUDIENCE GROANS
0:24:00 > 0:24:01BUZZER
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Coming soon,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07a story of premature ejaculation.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:09 > 0:24:10BUZZER
0:24:12 > 0:24:18The Grand Budapest Hotel. "Brilliant," The Times. "Five stars," the Guardian.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20"The beds weren't made," Trip Advisor.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22LAUGHTER
0:24:22 > 0:24:23BUZZER
0:24:25 > 0:24:30Part man, part machine, part bird, part drum,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33it's Robo-Bongo-Cuckoo-Cop.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Thank you very much.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52A group of Greeks tried to get away with their money.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Chicken Run.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:57BUZZER
0:24:59 > 0:25:01My Dad Pictures presents,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Yer man, I know him from something, anyway him,
0:25:04 > 0:25:08and a woman, I think she was in ER. Maybe it was House -
0:25:08 > 0:25:10she was definitely a doctor -
0:25:10 > 0:25:11join forces to fight
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I Know Him He's Got Awful Old Looking, Hasn't He?
0:25:13 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:15BUZZER
0:25:19 > 0:25:22It's the bromance of the year.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Ed and David Miliband star in
0:25:24 > 0:25:26What The Fuck Was The Point Of That, Then?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER
0:25:30 > 0:25:31BUZZER
0:25:31 > 0:25:34OK. Next round is...
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Mime.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:42BUZZER
0:25:44 > 0:25:48I'm sorry for that small pause just at the end of that record there,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51only my shit took slightly longer than I expected.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:54BUZZER
0:25:56 > 0:25:59This is Top DJs of the 1970s.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Prison radio has never sounded so good.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:04BUZZER
0:26:06 > 0:26:11A hideous car crash has occurred at the end of the A19.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12It's called Doncaster.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER
0:26:14 > 0:26:15BUZZER
0:26:18 > 0:26:24Another shipping forecast issued by the Met Office at 2343 on Saturday the 8th.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26It's going to piss it down.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:30BUZZER
0:26:30 > 0:26:34You're listening to BBC Wiltshire, because your car radio
0:26:34 > 0:26:37has lost reception to what you WERE listening to.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:40BUZZER
0:26:43 > 0:26:48And next up on The Archers, there's an axe murderer on the loose.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Not really. Someone argues with the housekeeper.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER
0:26:51 > 0:26:52BUZZER
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Travel news. A coachload of origami enthusiasts has broken down on the M1
0:26:59 > 0:27:03and they're all currently sat on the hard shoulder making paper models of cars.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Traffic is described as stationery.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06LAUGHTER
0:27:06 > 0:27:07BUZZER
0:27:12 > 0:27:15You're listening to Saga Radio.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18You're listening...
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:21BUZZER
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Lidl, Aldi, later Tesco.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32This concludes the shopping forecast.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Get in!
0:27:35 > 0:27:36BUZZER
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Have you been injured at work?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Maybe you should turn the radio off and concentrate
0:27:43 > 0:27:45properly on what you are doing.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46LAUGHTER
0:27:46 > 0:27:47BUZZER
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Well, you're dead. We're all dead.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55We've all been dead from the beginning.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59You've been listening to the final-ever episode of The Archers.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00LAUGHTER
0:28:00 > 0:28:01BUZZER
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Next up, on Gardeners' Question Time, I'll be trying not to laugh like
0:28:06 > 0:28:08a schoolboy when a woman phones in
0:28:08 > 0:28:10with a problem about her box hedge.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:12BUZZER
0:28:15 > 0:28:18This is local radio. It's 4am and no-one's listening.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21let's play, Say Something Racist Roulette.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22LAUGHTER
0:28:22 > 0:28:23BUZZER
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Due to tomorrow's BBC strike, tomorrow's Today programme
0:28:29 > 0:28:32will be today's Today programme, but called Yesterday.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33LAUGHTER
0:28:33 > 0:28:34BUZZER
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Sometimes, when you listen to the radio, there's a tune that you
0:28:40 > 0:28:44can't get out of your head. It plays again and again and again.
0:28:44 > 0:28:51It, sort of, gets faster and faster and faster and, finally, it comes on.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53MUSIC PLAYS
0:28:57 > 0:28:58BUZZER
0:28:58 > 0:29:01At the end of that round, the points go to James, Sara and Andy.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:08 > 0:29:09That's the end of the show.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and James Acaster.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Thank you for watching. Good night.