0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:32 > 0:00:34APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Tiff Stevenson
0:00:40 > 0:00:42and Rob Beckett, Romesh Ranganathan,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Hugh Dennis and Miles Jupp.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:51 > 0:00:52We start with a round called
0:00:52 > 0:00:54If This Is The Answer, What is the Question?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57On the board are six categories. Tiff, which category would you like?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I'll go for Home News.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00OK, Home News is the category.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03The answer is one third.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04What is the question?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Is it how much of a bottle of vodka I'd have to drink
0:01:07 > 0:01:10before I found Lewis Hamilton even vaguely interesting?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Is it how many of this week's news stories
0:01:16 > 0:01:18lend themselves to comedy?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Been like that for three weeks, really, hasn't it, Andy? Yes.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Is it how much of Greece can you buy for a pound?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Is it how much of Kim Kardashian is made up of arse?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Is it, of all of the children that I taught maths to,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44which proportion of them genuinely had a future?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Is it what emoticon would I use
0:01:49 > 0:01:52to tell someone that I've wrapped a rubber band around my scrotum?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Is it what I'm always missing from a threesome?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08APPLAUSE
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Is it FIFA's target survival rate
0:02:10 > 0:02:13for stadium workers at the World Cup?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15AUDIENCE GROANS
0:02:15 > 0:02:19APPLAUSE
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Is it, according to legend, how much of you is your head?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Yes...
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- should be noted.- I tell you what it could be the answer to,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32what proportion of that team have I seen completely butt naked?
0:02:35 > 0:02:36WOLF WHISTLE
0:02:36 > 0:02:39APPLAUSE Yes.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Has anybody got any answers to the question I feel
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I asked about ten minutes ago?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Is it how many of the words spoken by Kanye West are about Kanye West?
0:02:49 > 0:02:53The way you pronounce "Kanye West" is incredible.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56It's like you're asking somebody if they're able to west.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- APPLAUSE - Kan-yee west?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Is it think of a fraction that rhymes with the word "bird"?
0:03:08 > 0:03:09It's not, no.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Is it think of a fraction that rhymes with the word "heard?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- No.- Is it think of a fraction that rhymes with the word "interred"?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- No. The...- Think of a fraction that sounds funny
0:03:17 > 0:03:19if you say it with an Irish accent.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21That's exactly what I was waiting for you to do, yes.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Think of a fraction that I say as "one TURD".
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- What a funny country. - It is, isn't it?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36You're not...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38You're not on Radio 4 yet, man.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I think this is genuinely the correct answer.
0:03:42 > 0:03:48Is it what proportion of the works planned by Network Rail
0:03:48 > 0:03:50have already gone wrong or are over budget?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52That absolutely is the correct answer.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Thank you very much indeed, Hugh Dennis.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I wouldn't have got that, mate. I wouldn't have got that.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05how many of its targets has Network Rail already missed
0:04:05 > 0:04:08one year into a five-year rail improvement plan?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11This is the news that a large part of a £38 billion project
0:04:11 > 0:04:14to modernise Britain's railways has been put on hold
0:04:14 > 0:04:17as a result of delays, missed targets and overspending.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18How bad is the situation?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20The one thing that I sort of... I don't know how many of you
0:04:20 > 0:04:22use the train all the time, but it is
0:04:22 > 0:04:24such an infuriating service,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27and so infuriating that if you go to any station,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30they have signs up telling you
0:04:30 > 0:04:33that they don't accept abuse of the staff,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35physical or verbal or whatever.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38They are offering a service that is so shit,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41they have to remind you not to kill members of their staff.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:46APPLAUSE
0:04:47 > 0:04:50So basically, 30 years on, we've realised privatising
0:04:50 > 0:04:53the national rail service wasn't the right thing to do, was it?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Nice one, Thatcher.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Politics.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Yeah, man, I wouldn't like to be Margaret Thatcher
0:05:01 > 0:05:03right now watching this show!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05But not all of the money that we've put in
0:05:05 > 0:05:07actually goes to improving the rail services.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Some of it goes to improving people like Richard Branson,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13who's in fact had so much of our money,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16his firm shouldn't be called "Virgin", should it,
0:05:16 > 0:05:17it should be called "Slag".
0:05:23 > 0:05:25The guy that they've got to take over,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28because they sacked the network chief, didn't they?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Yeah.- And they replaced him with a guy called Sir Peter Hendy, right,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and his... they've put him put him on half a million a year salary,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37and his instructions is to get a grip on the spiralling costs
0:05:37 > 0:05:39of improving the rail network.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41How is he going to know about money management, right?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43His grandfather was a baron, he's from an estate...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45not that kind...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49It's kind of like hiring 20,000 pigeons
0:05:49 > 0:05:52to work out why Nelson's Column is covered in shit.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Here's another tip, you know.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00If you're going to be head of the railways,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03don't dress up as The Fat Controller.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06In sports news,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09who denied cheating before Wimbledon had even started?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- This is Novak Djokovic... - Yes, it is.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15..who had been accused of being coached during matches,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17and you're not actually allowed to be coached
0:06:17 > 0:06:19from the sidelines during matches.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21This was actually a rule brought in to protect
0:06:21 > 0:06:25British players during Wimbledon to prevent them getting worse
0:06:25 > 0:06:27during the actual games themselves.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29How is it cheating telling him what to do?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31What is he telling him that he don't already know?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33"What you want to do is,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36"hit it back really hard where he isn't standing."
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"Oh, cheers, mate, I didn't think of that, thanks!"
0:06:38 > 0:06:40There's always loads of cheating in tennis, though.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I remember once I saw a man
0:06:42 > 0:06:44who was actually keeping extra balls in his pocket.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Wimbledon's so posh, though,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52cos even the ball boys who have the balls are posh.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54When they pick the balls up, they just go...
0:06:54 > 0:06:56What's that? Why can't they throw it back to him?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59He gets the ball, he goes...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02What's all that about? The thing I love is if the ball boys,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04if they had to do it, like jury service,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06where anyone just got picked at random to do it,
0:07:06 > 0:07:07rather than these little posh kids.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12Rude boys going: "Leave it out, bruv. I ain't getting your fucking ball."
0:07:12 > 0:07:14"It's 30 degrees, bruv."
0:07:15 > 0:07:17How might this tournament make history?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Heat wave.- Heat wave. It may be the hottest ever, yes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23It's so hot they're advising nans just to wear one coat.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Pretty warm.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29The Wimbledon authorities, apparently,
0:07:29 > 0:07:33are going to take extra care of the elderly in the crowd
0:07:33 > 0:07:36at Wimbledon, but obviously, not the same at Glastonbury, is it?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39There they make the elderly actually get up on stage.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I love it on the weather, when it's hot, they always go,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47"Oh, Hull is actually hotter than Marrakech."
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Yeah, I'm still not going there on my holiday.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54In other news, who is a big hit with Japanese women?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Japanese men.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59No, actually, surprisingly.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Is it the gorilla that's really fit?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Yes, it is, yes, it is. There's a fit gorilla.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06There's a gorilla who moved from Australia to Japan in 2007
0:08:06 > 0:08:09and has attracted a lot of admirers among young Japanese women,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11who've described him as "too handsome".
0:08:11 > 0:08:13He's often referred to as an "ikemen",
0:08:13 > 0:08:15which is slang for "handsome guy".
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I find it a slightly creepy story, but the...
0:08:17 > 0:08:18His name is Shabani.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I mean, all you really need is like a slogan underneath that goes,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24"Which one of us is really in a cage?" And...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29And this is another one of him looking...you know?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I mean, this is a good-looking gorilla, you know.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"I dare you to swipe left."
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Write that underneath, and then...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37There's another one of him here. Look.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39ALL EXCLAIM
0:08:39 > 0:08:42He's got some junk in his trunk!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44He's not necessarily sexually attractive,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46but it would be nice to be held by him.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53If I had to have sex with an animal, I'd have a flamingo.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I'm a leg... I'm a leg man.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Do you particularly like if one leg is like up underneath the...
0:09:01 > 0:09:02It's a bit saucy, isn't it?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05It's like, "Ooh, come and see where me other leg is."
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"I know where your leg is, don't you worry about that..."
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Marshy.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Wet.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14"You ain't got one leg, you slag."
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Can I just say, we're totally objectifying this gorilla,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and I'm loving it.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22It looks like he's about to go,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26"Yes, Sigourney Weaver was wonderful to work with, yeah."
0:09:26 > 0:09:29"Part of my craft is, I'm the weaver of stories and the teller of tales."
0:09:32 > 0:09:35At the end of that round, the points to go Rob, Tiff and Andy.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:38 > 0:09:40APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Now we play a round called
0:09:42 > 0:09:45It's Getting Hot In Here, So Take Out All Your Jokes.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47This game involves Tiff and Romesh.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50This is a stand-up challenge.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57OK, here we go.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59The first subject is...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Magazines. Who wants to come in on that?
0:10:03 > 0:10:04- OK.- Tiff.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10As a woman, most of your life is designed to make you feel
0:10:10 > 0:10:12a little bit shit.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16And magazines are responsible for that, magazines like OK,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18which I look at on the shelves and think, "When are they going
0:10:18 > 0:10:23"to stop putting people on the front of that who are quite clearly not OK?"
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Magazines will recommend that you have plastic surgery,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29that seems to be everywhere. Too much plastic surgery these days.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I think that's why they've invented emoticons.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34They're for women who have had too much plastic surgery,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37so you can just hold up an iPad and say, "I feel happy...
0:10:39 > 0:10:43"..I feel sad. I feel like a smiley poo with eyes."
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I think the worst thing that magazines do is
0:10:48 > 0:10:51they perpetuate trends, really bad trends, right.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I don't know how you guys feel about vajazzling.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58But I genuinely believe it is a plot by religious groups to get
0:10:58 > 0:11:00gay men interested in vaginas.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08By making them look like disco balls.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13I told my mum about the vajazzling. I said, "Mum, they do this thing
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"now where they put diamante on your downstairs."
0:11:15 > 0:11:17And my mum just went, "Vajazzling?"
0:11:17 > 0:11:20"Pfft, in my day you were lucky if you gave it a wash!"
0:11:23 > 0:11:25APPLAUSE
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Thank you very much, Tiff.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30OK, that leaves us with Romesh,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35And the topic is parenting.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:42 > 0:11:43I'm a parent.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45You know, we had our first child
0:11:45 > 0:11:48and our first child is such a lovely kid.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53He always says please and thank you, he is such a wonderful,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55wonderful little boy. I said to my wife, "Do you know what,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57"I think we might have mastered parenting."
0:11:57 > 0:11:59HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I think it's just about setting clear boundaries
0:12:02 > 0:12:03and being consistent.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05EXAGGERATED CHORTLE
0:12:06 > 0:12:09The second one - feral.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I love him, but what a prick this kid is.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I love him, but what an unacceptable human being, like,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I love him, but I don't like him. You know, that's...
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I'm going to have to say to him one day, "You're a mistake."
0:12:24 > 0:12:27And not like in the way that the contraception went wrong,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29like, "The decision to have you was a mistake."
0:12:32 > 0:12:37Sometimes I want him to get hurt, there you go, I said it. Listen...
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I don't mean really hurt. I don't mean really hurt.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44I just mean a little bit. You know, because he doesn't listen, this kid.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47When I say to him, "Don't do that, dude,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49"because if you do that, you're going to get hurt,"
0:12:49 > 0:12:51and then he does it...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53and he doesn't get hurt...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57..that pisses me off. Right?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Because that is life telling him that I'm full of shit.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02This kid is running with scissors with no consequences,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04do you know what I mean?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Thank you, Romesh. Very good.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09At the end of that round, the points go to Tiff Stevenson!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Come on back, both of you. - CHEERING
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:13:20 > 0:13:23what's happening. So what's going on here?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Has he just realised he is the only black person at Glastonbury?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31He's certainly finding that desert camouflage wear is
0:13:31 > 0:13:33ineffective in Somerset.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38He has rather unusually gone for the triple denim.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Which is a look that no-one has gambled with before(!)
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Is it, "man survives nuclear holocaust
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"by offering oral sex to strangers"?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Is he rocking triple denim?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Yes, I just said that a second ago, yes!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Sorry, I've only just realised.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56He is rocking the triple denim look.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I tell you, I've just noticed something.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00He's wearing triple denim, isn't he, Dara?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02DARA SIGHS
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Have you seen that, Dara?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05APPLAUSE
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Has somebody just asked him if he is able to West or not?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15And also, I'm not sure this is relevant to it
0:14:15 > 0:14:18but I'm almost certain that Kanye West was one of Labour's
0:14:18 > 0:14:19target seats in the last election.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Is it a brutal moment of self-realisation,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27is this the exact moment when he suddenly thinks,
0:14:27 > 0:14:28"Am I a dick?"
0:14:28 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:14:31 > 0:14:33APPLAUSE
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I'm not being fair, I don't really know who he is.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Is it Kanye West's controversial headline set at Glastonbury?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46It is, of course, thank you very much, absolutely right.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48CHEERING
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Yes, this is the picture of Kanye West performing at
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Glastonbury Festival this weekend. He headlined the Pyramid Stage
0:14:54 > 0:14:56on Saturday night. The rapper told the crowd,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00"You are now watching the greatest living rock star on the planet."
0:15:00 > 0:15:02GROANING
0:15:02 > 0:15:05To which the entire crowd went, "Oh, my God, who's dead?"
0:15:05 > 0:15:08He wasn't the biggest rock star in Somerset.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Yeah, he wasn't even the biggest rock star in that field
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- at that time.- Literally. - Let alone the planet. Yes.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Also described himself as the new Warhol,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18and I think we misheard him a bit there.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:23 > 0:15:26130,000 people signed a pledge, didn't they?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28To try and get him replaced.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30And there was a moment, wasn't there,
0:15:30 > 0:15:34when that crane hoisted him above the crowd that
0:15:34 > 0:15:38I actually thought they had achieved their aim for a moment.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41On the coverage of this, on the social media coverage,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44there was one bloke, he said the only way he got through his set
0:15:44 > 0:15:48was when he realised that Kanye West is an anagram
0:15:48 > 0:15:49of "Sweaty Ken".
0:15:52 > 0:15:56I bumped into Rob at Glastonbury, he was so excited about being there.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- I hate it.- You should have seen his little face.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I agreed to do Glastonbury because it said,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04"You're on at 12.50." What I didn't read was "am".
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I was expecting a nice little mid-day gig,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10and I was there for 12 hours before I was on.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14And if you do a poo there, the toilets, basically the toilets
0:16:14 > 0:16:16is scaffold over wheelie bins
0:16:16 > 0:16:18and there is a hole over each wheelie bin,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20you have to take a cup of mud with you, there's bags of mud,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23then you do a poo and you have to pour your mud over your poo.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I felt like a cat!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Are you telling me that your cat can hold a cup?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36That toilet situation...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Just explain, you've got scaffolding and bins underneath?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Yeah, one third of the toilets were kind of essentially a compost heap.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47So they wanted to recycle, so they could use human waste as it,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49so they had people with sand or soil or whatever.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Well, why do you need fertiliser over that?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Everyone's having, all weekend, cider and kebabs,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56what are you trying to grow with that?
0:16:56 > 0:17:00What are they trying to grow, people to go on Jeremy Kyle?
0:17:00 > 0:17:01APPLAUSE
0:17:01 > 0:17:02It's a joke!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06My mum had a house in Sri Lanka
0:17:06 > 0:17:10and she had one of those toilets that just, the poop goes
0:17:10 > 0:17:13straight into the ground and she had mango trees behind the toilet.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16The mangoes were absolutely enormous, I've never seen...
0:17:16 > 0:17:18They were much bigger behind the toilet
0:17:18 > 0:17:20than they were anywhere else in that whole bit,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22but my mum didn't allow us to eat them
0:17:22 > 0:17:23because she said they're "poo mangoes".
0:17:25 > 0:17:28My God, if you package them up in Waitrose,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30middle-class people will...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34"These are poo mangoes, these are the only mangoes I get."
0:17:34 > 0:17:36"Oh, no, I ordered from Ocado,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40"they substituted my poo mangoes for shitty beans. That's not fair!"
0:17:40 > 0:17:45Now every time I have a mango, I'll think of your mum having a poo.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Come on, though. That's your fault.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Hold on, hold on. No! Hold on a second, mate.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57I said I took a poo and now you've made the leap,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59just brought my mum into this situation.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- I assume she has shits now and again!- My mum has never shit in her life, how dare you!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07How dare you talk like that about my mother!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Your mum's ruined mangoes, my dad's ruined baths. Between us...
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- we're killing this country.- Oh, I think we've just scraped off a layer,
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- there are other stories from your childhood?- A couple of weeks ago...
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Oh, I see. Don't watch myself.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20No!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25APPLAUSE
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Both the Dalai Lama and Kanye West were at this year's festival,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34allowing us to play a little game of Dalai Lama or Kanye,
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Who Said It?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43They have to guess which of the two headliners said this phrase,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45the first one is...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Kanye, it's got to be Kanye. - You're going for Kanye?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I'm going for the Dalai Lama.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Being that he may be an incarnation of...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I'm going for the cat.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57If he can hold a cup, he can say that as well!
0:18:57 > 0:19:01"I am God's vessel" was actually said by... Kanye West.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Oh, wow. Well done.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I think it's Network Rail!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- Er, Mr Lama.- You're going for the Lama?- Mr Lama!
0:19:15 > 0:19:17You're going for the Lama? That's the standards here.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22"Our work is never over", of course, is the words of Kanye West!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25And probably one of the most difficult ones to answer is...
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- DL, mate.- DL, bitches!
0:19:30 > 0:19:34You think it's DL? Spit in your face, I'm Peruvian, I'm the Lama.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35No, it is of course...
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Hugh Dennis.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Which England team has made history this week?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48This is the women's football team, isn't it?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Yes, obviously we record this on the Tuesday,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53by the time the show goes out on Thursday they may or may not have
0:19:53 > 0:19:56beaten Japan in the semifinal of the World Cup.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Either way, they'll be playing at the weekend, either for third or for first. But, still...
0:20:00 > 0:20:03It's amazing they've done something that the men's football team
0:20:03 > 0:20:04have never done,
0:20:04 > 0:20:08and that is reach the semifinal of the World Cup without crying so...
0:20:08 > 0:20:11AUDIENCE CHEER
0:20:13 > 0:20:16That's right. It's the first semifinal of a major tournament...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18and they said this is memories of 1966.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20But if you look at the semifinal line-up, actually,
0:20:20 > 0:20:26it's England and USA versus Germany and Japan, that is memories of 1945.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29It's amazing.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37In other news, who or what had an emotional send-off this week?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40This was the last episode of Top Gear.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Yes, well, no. No.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's not the last episode of Top Gear, it's the last episode of them doing Top Gear.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Then why did you say, "Yes" then?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Because I caught myself and then went, "No...it's not that."
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I, like Shabani, can change my mind occasionally.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- We didn't do the look alike with that, did we? No...- Let' see it.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I get the Megabus guy but I don't get the good looking gorilla.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Do it again, do it again.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06When you do that hand thing it does look a bit Shabani.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:21:15 > 0:21:18In other news, who or what had an emotional send off this week?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Well, it was almost the last ever episode of Top Gear.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Opinions differ on that.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Did anybody see it, did you see it?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- It ended on a cliffhanger. - It didn't...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Quentin Willson came out of the shower and said it was all a dream.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Now that it's finished, is it Clarkson or May
0:21:36 > 0:21:38who gets custody of Hammond?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I'm presuming then that none of you saw it, cos I watch the thing,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I quite enjoy the show.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48At the end it was just the two of them, Clarkson obviously
0:21:48 > 0:21:52wasn't there, and they said, "Thank you very much for watching,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"and good night," and it went to the titles
0:21:54 > 0:21:58and then it was like silent and the words moved up the screen
0:21:58 > 0:22:00on a black screen, silently,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02and you're going, "Jesus, who's dead?"
0:22:04 > 0:22:05I didn't know you could end like that,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I didn't know you could do that sombre ending.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10When I left on The Apprentice last year,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I would have demanded that goodbye and then... Russian piano music
0:22:13 > 0:22:17and then hundreds of black and white shots of me, with somebody going...
0:22:17 > 0:22:21HE HUMS THE LAST POST
0:22:21 > 0:22:24..people saluting as Jeremy Clarkson is lowered onto Netflix.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30It was ridiculous.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35At the end of that round, the points to go Romesh, Hugh and Miles.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area...
0:22:44 > 0:22:45I'll read out this week's topics
0:22:45 > 0:22:49and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51OK, here we go...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54the first subject is...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Roses are red, violets are blue, sorry you're dead, what can you do?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Sorry you're leaving...
0:23:07 > 0:23:10and sorry to break it to you in such a cowardly fashion.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Happy Father's Day, whoever you are, wherever you are.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Roses are red, violets are red, the greenhouse is red,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I think I'm bleeding to death.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38At this difficult time I'm thinking of you,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40wearing suspenders and a mask.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I saw this and thought of you.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Blank inside.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59My feelings can't be put into words,
0:23:59 > 0:24:03although the judge did describe them as inappropriate.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09That was a scrape...
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Congratulations on your circumcision.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Congratulations, you did it and we'll prove it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21The Crown Prosecution Service.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28It's a girl -
0:24:28 > 0:24:30not a woman, which is why you're going to prison.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38With deepest sympathies for the loss of your grandmother...slash...
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Happy house warming.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46You've passed...
0:24:46 > 0:24:47away.
0:24:53 > 0:24:5521 years,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57and this time you'll probably die in prison.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03To our darling son,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05on your 21st birthday...
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Now get the fuck out of our house.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Please help me, I'm trapped inside a North Korean card factory.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Also, Iron Man says, "Happy fourth birthday."
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Roses are red, violets are blue,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36when you go down on me, please don't chew.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44OK, the next topic is...
0:25:47 > 0:25:50The dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant asteroid.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Silly them for all standing in the same place.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Does it burn anything other than Bunsen?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13He named the star after himself
0:26:13 > 0:26:16and now we find ourselves looking at Arthur Cockmonster the Third.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24So it glows in the dark, and it has a half life of a thousand years,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27frankly I've never done a poo like it.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34On today's show we'll be talking about the Jurassic period
0:26:34 > 0:26:37where only dinosaurs and Bruce Forsyth roamed the Earth.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42He's old, isn't he?
0:26:47 > 0:26:54For Sarah Palin it's conclusive proof that man and dinosaur existed together,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57for everybody else, the Flintstones is just a cartoon.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Next biology,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06"Why is that gorilla so sexy?"
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Let the proton see the electron.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Scientists in Loughborough have found the formula to make
0:27:20 > 0:27:23the perfect cup of tea, which is quite controversial
0:27:23 > 0:27:26as the grant was for AIDS research.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34You've been watching me, Richard Dawkins.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Good night, and God bless.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44See, and the problem with cocaine is it's well moreish.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Well, we could ask a proper scientist about this,
0:27:52 > 0:27:53or we could ask Dara O Briain.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Hello, my name's Dara O Briain and to try
0:28:08 > 0:28:13and bring science to the masses, I'm going to appear in a programme with Stephen Hawking
0:28:13 > 0:28:15wearing a ridiculous hat.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Just enough with...just, you know, I love that hat, by the way.
0:28:30 > 0:28:35Hello, I'm Dara O Briain and I've got a massive head and a
0:28:35 > 0:28:38massive brain, but all I get to do in
0:28:38 > 0:28:40this bit is just press a little buzzer.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Mr O Briain, I award you a PHD...
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Phenomenal Head, Dara.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02I would just like to say that I think Dara O Briain is a legend.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12I work with Dara O Briain,
0:29:12 > 0:29:16and today my experiment is to turn this joke into a P45.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23OK, well done. The points go to Romesh, Hugh and Miles.
0:29:30 > 0:29:31And that's the end of the show.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34This week's winners are Romesh Ranganathan,
0:29:34 > 0:29:35Hugh Dennis and Miles Jupp.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Tiff Stevenson and Rob Beckett.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Thanks for watching, I'm Dara...
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Actually, no, hang on, hang on.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52I didn't know you were allowed to do this.
0:29:52 > 0:29:53Apparently you can do this.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56We won't be back on again for another week so, you know,
0:29:56 > 0:29:58thank you for watching.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Good night.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Thanks.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29DARA LAUGHS