0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:21# News of the world
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:29# News of the world
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:33APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Joining me this week are Josh Widdicombe, Zoe Lyons
0:00:42 > 0:00:43and Matt Forde.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:54We start with a round called
0:00:54 > 0:00:56If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59On the board are six categories. Matt, which category would you like?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- World News, please. - OK, World News it is.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03The answer is...
0:01:05 > 0:01:07What is the question?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Is it the three middle names of Princess Charlotte?
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Is it what three things might a Greek keep in a chicken?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Is it what do gangsters play instead of rock, paper, scissors?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Is it what three things are keeping Keith Richards alive?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Is it what in the Sound of Music,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34are the von Trapp family's real favourite things?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39What are the three characters
0:01:39 > 0:01:41called on a packet of Colombian Rice Krispies?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Is it what three things are we being paid in this evening?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50All together in one big bucket.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53What will the motto be for the Qatar World Cup?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Is it complete the song Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- That probably scans.- It would be a much better song, wouldn't it?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13What are the three main aisles in a Bolivian Waitrose?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19You know that tattoo you got
0:02:19 > 0:02:22that you think says peace, love and harmony...?
0:02:26 > 0:02:27APPLAUSE
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Is it to do with Greece?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32It is to do with Greece.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35What three things are they warning Greece are about to run out of?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- Very good. Thank you, Ed Byrne. - APPLAUSE
0:02:40 > 0:02:44The question I was looking for is what items are at risk of running
0:02:44 > 0:02:47out in Greece after Sunday's crucial vote on the EU's bailout terms?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50This is the news that 61% of the Greek population
0:02:50 > 0:02:52voted against accepting the strict
0:02:52 > 0:02:54austerity measures proposed by the EU.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57There is now a real risk the country will run out
0:02:57 > 0:02:58of money, fuel and medicine.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- So what does this all mean for Greece?- It's ridiculous now.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03The whole thing is like a soap opera.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I don't watch the Eurozone crisis day to day.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I wait till Sunday and watch the omnibus.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13This thing of referring to the Greek exit as Grexit.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15It's like are you in that much of a hurry
0:03:15 > 0:03:18that you couldn't say a third syllable?
0:03:19 > 0:03:23If the British exit happens it's going to be called Brixit.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Sounds like a cheap form of Lego or what the Greek Prime Minister
0:03:26 > 0:03:29does every time he meets Angela Merkel.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33APPLAUSE
0:03:35 > 0:03:40I didn't know you could reject bank's demands.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43If I had known that my whole life would have been different.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45If I had been able to go to the bank and go,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49"Well, I do owe you ten grand but I really like my lifestyle."
0:03:50 > 0:03:52It could be a misselling scandal.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55As far as I'm aware Greece was never made to sign that box that says,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"Your home is at risk if you do not keep up the repayments."
0:03:58 > 0:04:00You think they're waiting for the PPI?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04That's the one thing that will bail them out.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Apparently the Greek government have admitted that
0:04:06 > 0:04:08living in their past is their Achilles heel.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10MUTED LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:15No-one was expecting that reaction, were they?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Oxi they went. Oxi to that.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I think it's a case that if they want to bail themselves out
0:04:23 > 0:04:26they have to invoke copyright law on all the stuff
0:04:26 > 0:04:28they invented some time ago now.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32But that they definitely invented, like democracy, triangles and gays.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- Philosophy, as well. Birthplace of philosophy, isn't it?- Or was it?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43APPLAUSE
0:04:46 > 0:04:48There's a professional philosopher at home going,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50"That's not what philosophy is."
0:04:50 > 0:04:52It's not just going, "Or is it?"
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I think there's a lot of opportunities in Greece.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I'm going to start a band called Cash Machine
0:04:57 > 0:05:00because people would be queueing around the block.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05But we've been told if we go on holiday to Greece that we
0:05:05 > 0:05:07should take lots and lots of money with us.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Yes.- To rub it in?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I think it's to pay your kidnappers.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18There's a ploy behind telling tourists to bring as much
0:05:18 > 0:05:20cash as possible.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Cos they know there will be a load of overweight,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26old British tourists with massive bum bags of cash round the front.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28They're basically just sitting human ATM machines.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29That's all they are.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33The muggers line up behind the tourists while one of them
0:05:33 > 0:05:36says, "No, 60 euros each. That is the limit
0:05:36 > 0:05:39"for mugging these people. That's it."
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Someone started a crowdfunding for Greece
0:05:45 > 0:05:47and it's got less than the Crystal Maze.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Because people would prefer to go to the Aztec Zone than Athens.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53That is a fact.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58If I said to you, "I can take you to the Aztec Zone or Athens?"
0:05:58 > 0:06:05- You'd be in there like a whippet, Dara.- I will choose a mind puzzle.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I am already wondering which little square I'm going to go into.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11In there like a whippet?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I've known him for a long time,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Dara has never done anything like a whippet.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Particularly harsh.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20APPLAUSE
0:06:21 > 0:06:23You've never seen him shit in a park.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I think you'll find...
0:06:26 > 0:06:27I am not...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29He does it like a Great Dane.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32The way he locks eyes with you.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36This is for you. This is for you, Byrne.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40I'm glad we've dealt with Greece.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Has anybody noticed Dara's eye, by the way?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Is it off-putting? Do you think the people at home would be concerned?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- What has happened?- It's a little sty. It got infected.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Is that really it?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- No, it's a...- Has Brian Cox been beating you again?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Look into the telescope. Look hard into the telescope.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02He bruised my eye ramming it in.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07That will hurt you. That's my good eye, Brian!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10He's trying to turn you into Patrick Moore.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16APPLAUSE
0:07:16 > 0:07:19They gave me an eye patch. This will be much more subtle.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21If I'm sat here...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24If I presented the entire show like that
0:07:24 > 0:07:26because I've got a tiny infection in my eye.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30To be fair, I have a secret desire to have an eye patch.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I don't want to ever lose an eye.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35That's not how much I want to have an eye patch.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36But I think they're cool.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Something massively impressive
0:07:40 > 0:07:42because a guy with an eye patch, shit has happened.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Also, you can do this.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Sexy!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53The final part of undressing in a sexy way would be to
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- take off the eye patch and thwack. - You could take my eye out.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01In other news, what do doctors want us to stop using?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Their waiting rooms to sleep in.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09People taking helium and enjoying it and they speak very highly.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14APPLAUSE
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Bizarrely, that's correct.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- HIGH-PITCHED: - It's a finite resource
0:08:24 > 0:08:26and it's needed for MRI scanners.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31And whatnot. It's being used up on fripperies like balloons.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Squeaky voices. - I'm doing this one without it.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39They're worried that instead of helium in balloons
0:08:39 > 0:08:42they will start using
0:08:42 > 0:08:45nitrous oxide in balloons but it is laughing gas.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48So then they have to worry that kids will get high on their balloons,
0:08:48 > 0:08:51if we end up having to do party balloons with nitrous oxide.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55If you're worried about kids getting high on nitrous oxide balloons,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58you can surely get high on a helium balloon just by holding on to it.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06I was doing a gig at Bestival and you can hear
0:09:06 > 0:09:09when people are taking nitrous you can hear it cos there's an audible...
0:09:09 > 0:09:12HE HISSES Cos they do it into a balloon
0:09:12 > 0:09:14and into their mouth to give themselves a giggle.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17People were doing it at my gig.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24That's quite a cruel heckle.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27"I'm going to need something to get through this."
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Is it not true that you deliver one of your trademark jokes
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- and the crowd goes... - INHALES
0:09:34 > 0:09:39I found out those canisters they suck it from are called whippets.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41The little canisters of nitrous oxide.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Somebody said to me, "The kids are sucking whippets in the park."
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I was like, "Oh, my God, do I need to call the RSPCA?"
0:09:50 > 0:09:52How do scientists think the universe will end?
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Spoiler alert.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59APPLAUSE
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- There's a thing called The Big Rip. - Yes.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07The universe is sort of accelerating so fast,
0:10:07 > 0:10:08and getting faster and faster,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- that eventually it'll just rip itself apart.- Yeah.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Is that right? And that'll be the end.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15They say, how do scientists now think -
0:10:15 > 0:10:19what other nonsense have scientists just made up?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- Ha, ha!- What MIGHT happen 20 billion years from now,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26when no-one's around to say, "Oh, you got that one wrong."
0:10:26 > 0:10:30It's just nonsense that HIS mate Brian...
0:10:30 > 0:10:35natters on about to keep himself siphoning BBC funds
0:10:35 > 0:10:39- into his big fat bank account. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Me and Brian on the astronomy gravy train!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49With all those millionaire...
0:10:49 > 0:10:50"Ahh!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53"Making it rain!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56"Look at the big bang now, bitches!"
0:10:56 > 0:10:57What will happen, though -
0:10:57 > 0:11:00they're saying this might happen in 22 billion years -
0:11:00 > 0:11:01you can guarantee it'll be the day
0:11:01 > 0:11:04that the Greeks do pay back the last cent that they owe.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- Finally!- "..and ten cents!"
0:11:07 > 0:11:08It's called the big rip -
0:11:08 > 0:11:11everything's going to continue to accelerate faster and faster
0:11:11 > 0:11:13until the whole thing just comes apart.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15It's actually an extension of The Big Freeze -
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- it's either that or The Big Crunch. - Are they all the same thing?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20No - The Big Freeze would happen first,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22and then possibly The Big Rip after that.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- And where is Big Yellow Storage? - That is, er...
0:11:25 > 0:11:27just off the M4 in Hounslow.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29And then there's The Big Ins,
0:11:29 > 0:11:33where the whole universe just goes into panto for the rest of its life.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Biggins.- Christopher.- Oh, Biggins!
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Wow, that was too long a journey for me.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41There was a leap, there. I agree with that.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- I...- Tell me that joke again - I've got some...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46HE SNORTS
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Oh, no!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Now they're going to have to broadcast my bad joke
0:11:56 > 0:11:58for your good joke to work!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- That's the worst thing that can happen to a comedian!- Aww.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05You pick on Brian Cox, you pick on me, right?
0:12:05 > 0:12:06That's the way this works, my friend.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10At the end of that round, the points go to Matt, Zoe and Josh!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12APPLAUSE
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Now we play a round called Greased Frightenin'!
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Oh, dear.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23This game involves Zoe and Milton,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26so if you could make your way to the performance area, please?
0:12:26 > 0:12:27This round's a stand-up challenge.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37OK. Let's spin the wheel for our first topic.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40And the topic is Exercise.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44We all know we need to do more exercise -
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I mean, we've now got the fattest kids in Europe.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I'm not going to make fun out of obese children -
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I've learnt not to do that.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53They will come down on you like a tonne of bricks.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I didn't like exercising as a kid - when I was a kid,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I was made to go swimming in a pool
0:13:00 > 0:13:03that had a verruca pool before you got into it.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05The verruca pool - do you remember the verruca pool?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09They actually CALLED it "the verruca pool".
0:13:09 > 0:13:10You can't encourage children
0:13:10 > 0:13:12to walk in something called the verruca pool -
0:13:12 > 0:13:15it's like offering somebody the use of your chlamydia flannel, isn't it?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I mean, I try and exercise a bit more now -
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I've started doing yoga,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24cos apparently it increases your flexibility and spirituality,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26and I've got to be honest, it's pretty good.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I'm now so good at the downward-facing dog,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I have on occasion caught glimpses of my own third eye.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39I actually did a half marathon, though, a few months ago -
0:13:39 > 0:13:41it was pretty good, you know?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I...don't be overly impressed, which you're clearly not. But, um...
0:13:45 > 0:13:49I only finished yesterday, so there's clearly a lot of work to be done.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50I did the run for charity -
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I know a lot of people are doing things for charity.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54You can't just exercise, now, can you?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56You've gotta do it for a good cause,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58and I get a lot of those e-mails - I know we all do -
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"Will you sponsor me? Will you sponsor me?"
0:14:00 > 0:14:01I'm like, "What are you doing?"
0:14:01 > 0:14:04"I'm flip-flopping up Kilimanjaro for diarrhoea."
0:14:06 > 0:14:09"I'm pogoing across the Arctic for trapped wind."
0:14:09 > 0:14:11"Are you? Don't do that."
0:14:11 > 0:14:15I mean, the last London Marathon, it cost me an absolute fortune,
0:14:15 > 0:14:16cos I sponsored loads of friends.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I gave one friend 20 quid cos he was doing it for Cancer Research,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22another friend 20 quid cos he was doing it for heart disease,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25another one 20 quid cos he was doing it for diabetes -
0:14:25 > 0:14:28in the end, it was actually cheaper for me to join Bupa.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Thank you, Zoe.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36OK, that leaves us with Milton.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And the subject is Work.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I didn't think I'd get a loan from the bank for my knitting business,
0:14:50 > 0:14:54but when I turned up actually wearing one of the balaclavas...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I used to be a weatherman.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04In fact, does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05No pressure.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09If there'd been a mix-up,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12my uncle could've ended up as an ex-President of the United States.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15He's an undertaker in the army - or barrack embalmer.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22APPLAUSE
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Soldiers, of course, very emotionally repressed.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Sometimes you see one of them go into the middle of a parade ground
0:15:29 > 0:15:30and shout, "Attention!"
0:15:33 > 0:15:36What he needs is a hug.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Well, that's what I thought...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41My dad, he was a soldier,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43so, of course, as a family, we were always moving around a lot -
0:15:43 > 0:15:46cos he used to use us for target practice.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Six hours I had to wait in the other day for the electrician,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53till he opened the cupboard under the stairs,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55and I was able to leap out at him.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I remember when I was a policeman - I was asked to seal off an area,
0:16:02 > 0:16:03and I went...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05HE BARKS
0:16:07 > 0:16:11- That's all from me, thank you! - Thank you very much!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Points, there, for Milton Jones.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Come on back.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18APPLAUSE
0:16:21 > 0:16:23OK, the next round is called Picture of the Week.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24I show the panel a topical image
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27So, what's going on here?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Have they unveiled the banker on Deal Or No Deal?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36That's George Osborne delivering the budget
0:16:36 > 0:16:37surrounded by all his friends.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Is it "Mr Bean sets off on a picnic"?
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Is the caption quite simply, "Osborne's trousers too short"?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Or is he delighted that the front door doubles as a pause button?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Is it George Osborne with his budget box,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08and he's delivering the budget this week?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Yes, it is. Thank you very much, Josh.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I think he - cos it is like the box from Deal Or No Deal,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I think it would be a lot more if he did the budget like that.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22So, he goes to the opposition leader,
0:17:22 > 0:17:28"I'm going to cut two billion in disability benefit.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31"Or, you can have the cut that is in this box.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36"Deal or no deal?"
0:17:36 > 0:17:38He could have a phone ringing next to him.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Oh!- That'd be bloody Brussels, I imagine, wouldn't it, Dara?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Yeah!- The way things are going.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Yeah - they make all the decisions around here!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Urgh! Bloody - murgh!
0:17:48 > 0:17:49- Yeah.- Yeah! Yeah.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52This show's taken a lurch to the right.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Every budget in my lifetime has unravelled in the weeks afterward.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58So, they get the one big hit, everyone says,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00"Oh, actually, this sounds all right," and then it unravels.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03If you're going to lie in the first place, go triple large on it.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Turn up in the Commons and say, "You know what?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09"We've nailed it. We are all...millionaires!
0:18:09 > 0:18:13"That's right! No-one's skint any more, and we've solved poverty."
0:18:13 > 0:18:16And then at least have one day where people go, "Osborne is a genius."
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Just have the one day where you feel like a legend.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I think that's where Greece went wrong, though, isn't it?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26APPLAUSE
0:18:28 > 0:18:29In sporting news,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32who has been causing upset at this year's Wimbledon?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Oh, it's that naughty little Australian man.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36There was a naughty little Australian man. Yes, there was.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Not Rolf Harris?- No, not him!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42That would be genuinely disturbing.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44"Wikka-wokka-wikka-wokka." You can hear him coming now.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46"Wikka-wokka-wikka-wokka."
0:18:46 > 0:18:48He's already been caught in the net.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55There've been a load of Aussie fanatical fans in the stands,
0:18:55 > 0:18:59who've been making loads of noise - and according to that picture,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- Boris Johnson has just joined in the antics as well.- Yes!
0:19:02 > 0:19:06The big question about them is, how do they get so many tickets?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07- Yes!- It's impossible, isn't it?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10They're all working in the bar, and that's their break.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14They support Nick Kyrgios, don't they?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- They're called The Fanatics, aren't they?- Yeah.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18And they come in, and they specifically support him.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20But he absolutely splits opinion,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23so in the Australian newspaper this week there was a headline
0:19:23 > 0:19:25that went, "Nick Kyrgios - breath of fresh air,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27"or a total dickhead?"
0:19:28 > 0:19:32What has outraged villagers in the Forest of Dean?
0:19:32 > 0:19:33A swinging festival.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36There was a swinging festival. Do you know what it was called?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- Swingfields. - Swingfields 2015 took place.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Yeah, but they had to call it that.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42It was either that or Creamfields.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Look at your little face!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Which is what they'll end up with, isn't it?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I mean, it'll be the only festival you need wellies
0:19:50 > 0:19:51even if it isn't raining.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57There was a quote from a local, a concerned local,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01saying that they'd found somebody trying to sneak into the festival
0:20:01 > 0:20:03through their back garden.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05And they said, "This is unacceptable,
0:20:05 > 0:20:09"we're very concerned about who'll come onto our land."
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Not me - that's a genuine quote!
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Did you see, one of the locals complained
0:20:13 > 0:20:15that the music was too loud?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Surely you don't tell them to turn the music down - that is far worse!
0:20:19 > 0:20:23It was £165 for the festival, for the entire weekend,
0:20:23 > 0:20:27and they're promised a themed zone, a sauna, a hot tub -
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I'd use that on a Friday afternoon and then let it go. And...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I was just imagining a field with a massive
0:20:35 > 0:20:38bowl of keys in the middle, that's how I was imagining it.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42It's the only festival where the car parks are busier than the fields.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's revolting. I don't even use the toilets at festivals.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49The thought of using after the other festivalgoers is just...
0:20:50 > 0:20:55I'd insist it was someone with a day ticket, I think, if I was to go.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00How do they not call it Ass-tonbury?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Do you know what? My vote was for Twatitude.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And in fact, the most popular queue was for the pulled pork stand.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Oh! Come along.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24I've taken some various elements and brought them together in that joke.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Put it on again.- Put it on again?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28The eye patch, yeah. Put it on again. Go on, go on.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"Oh, you looked funny. You looked funny.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32"Do the thing where you looked funny again."
0:21:32 > 0:21:35You know when we made you look like the guy off the back of a fucking
0:21:35 > 0:21:37bus and for three years, everyone sends you photographs
0:21:37 > 0:21:40of a cartoon man on the back of the bus, every day on Twitter.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44"Hey, Dara. I saw you in Manchester today." "Huh?" Click.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"Oh, bollocks! That man on the back of a bus again."
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Do that with an eye patch and then for years, every eye patch person
0:21:49 > 0:21:53in the universe, I will get sent him on Twitter. Happy? There.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I think on my nose, is that all right? Is that all right?
0:21:56 > 0:22:01On my nose. Oh, wow, it looks like I'm wearing a G string.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Marketing people are clever. That bloke on the back of a Megabus
0:22:04 > 0:22:06is going to have an eye patch by next week.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:12 > 0:22:15At the end of that, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Now we've come to scenes we'd like to see,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I'll read out this week's topics
0:22:27 > 0:22:29and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Embarrassing, humiliating, bringing shame on the sport.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Welcome to Wimbledon 2Day with me, Clare Balding.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52And it all comes to this.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55After years of training and preparation,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I'm commentating on the poxy water polo.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Mo Farah has apologised for his association with
0:23:05 > 0:23:07substances that the British public regard as abhorrent
0:23:07 > 0:23:10and has said he will never advertise Quorn again.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Welcome back to the golf where Tiger Woods apparently travels with
0:23:20 > 0:23:24two inflatable sex dolls now in case he gets a hole in one.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30And he's found a chocolate biscuit down the back of the sofa
0:23:30 > 0:23:34but he's not going to celebrate, because it's his old Club.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42And he's resting two balls on the cushion there, which is why
0:23:42 > 0:23:44he won't be allowed back into IKEA.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52And he pops the cork and he's spraying everyone with champagne.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Welcome to the first Conservative budget since 1996.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Here we are at the Crucible
0:24:02 > 0:24:06all burning to death! Arghhh!
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Well, that was the speed skating and now crack cocaine curling.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24The American and the Russian are out in front and here comes the fin.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Yes, there're going to swim a lot faster
0:24:26 > 0:24:27now the shark is chasing them.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35And so they've brought up a curtain around the horse that fell earlier,
0:24:35 > 0:24:37but no, we've got good news.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40He's moved to a farm in the countryside.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Well, here we are at the Rugby League.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48It's tough men, it's better than Rugby Union
0:24:48 > 0:24:52and, at the same time, ever so slightly more gay.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02And this decision is going to a touch judge and yes,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04it's sexual harassment.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Well, this is his third attempt with the bar at this height.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Nope, still can't get served.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22And here come the two Red Bulls, which is what you
0:25:22 > 0:25:25will need to keep yourself awake during Formula One.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I'm joined here by Balding, or Alan Shearer as he likes to be known.
0:25:37 > 0:25:43Raikkonen now on super-soft, the Viagra simply not working.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50And if you want to find out what this function key
0:25:50 > 0:25:53on the keyboard does, join us after the break on F1.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00And after the break, join me, Clare Balding, presenting everything.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I present everything now. Everything is mine. Everything.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11OK. The next topic is...
0:26:15 > 0:26:18There's something about eating food that's come from your own garden.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19This is quite a hearty stew
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I've made out of a squirrel I shot with an air rifle.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Well, to answer your question,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I tend to keep mine on a hose reel
0:26:29 > 0:26:32but then, I'm very lucky down there.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41These pine trees smell suspiciously of air freshener.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49My advice would be don't splash out on expensive gnomes.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Do what I do and just simply varnish some small children
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I found playing in the park.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I called this my Blue Peter garden because it's the first place
0:27:00 > 0:27:01I blew Peter.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03AUDIENCE GROANS
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Remember, the trick is to get your pitchfork right through it
0:27:11 > 0:27:15before you take it and throw it back over the fence.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Well, we've had a letter from Mrs Smith of Epsom who's asked us
0:27:21 > 0:27:24to identify something that she has found in her garden.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Well, Mrs Smith, that is a dog turd.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I've got a letter here from Maureen in Doncaster who's asking
0:27:36 > 0:27:38a question about herbs.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40In response to your letter, Maureen, I would
0:27:40 > 0:27:44recommend about £200 for an ounce, and if it's really good shit, 300.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Well, that is the wheelbarrow,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53and tomorrow, I'll show you another sexual position.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02So, it's quite simple to take up an old patio. All you do is...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Just leave it.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Let's not talk about it ever again.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I woke up in a field of aubergines the other day.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19I thought, "None of these baby seals have faces."
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Right. Welcome to the Ukip gardens.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Sod the lawns, let's concentrate on them borders.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37So you could use a lawnmower or a strimmer,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40although I would recommend waxing.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Take the shovel, force it right down like that,
0:28:48 > 0:28:52save you a fortune in vets' fees having it put down professionally.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Help! I'm being attacked by pineapples! Help! Help! Help!
0:29:07 > 0:29:10I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12People say to me, "How do you find the thyme?"
0:29:12 > 0:29:15I say, "It's there, next to the sage!"
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Bravo.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:29 > 0:29:31And that's the end of the show.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34This week's winners are Josh Widdicombe, Zoe Lyons
0:29:34 > 0:29:36and Matt Forde.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Commiserations to Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.