0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Romash Ronganathan, Sarah Pascoe,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Rob Beckett, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Ed Gamble.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:53 > 0:00:55We start with a round called
0:00:55 > 0:00:57If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00On the board are six categories. Ed, which category would you like?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Sport, please.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05OK, the category is Sport. And the answer is "33".
0:01:05 > 0:01:07What is the question?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Is it how many pages in a Game Of Thrones script
0:01:09 > 0:01:12are just the word "tits" in massive letters?
0:01:12 > 0:01:13LAUGHTER
0:01:13 > 0:01:16And "death" for the other 27 pages.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Is it what is the emoticon for two women in a queue?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Is it the number of names that Prince Philip has
0:01:27 > 0:01:30for someone from the Indian subcontinent?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33What's the retirement age in Athens?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37No? GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Never underestimate the British desire to root for the underdog.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45- Yes.- Is it how many times at Wimbledon Lewis Hamilton said,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47"Do you know who I am?"
0:01:47 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Is it, as an Irish person living in Britain,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58what is the most hilarious house number I can have?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Oh, I know.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08Is it the number of women I slept with in my 20s, plus 32?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Is it how many children you have to have
0:02:14 > 0:02:17to qualify for a family ticket in a Mormon Center Parcs?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Is it after how many miles did one of the Proclaimers ask
0:02:26 > 0:02:28if they were nearly there yet?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Surely they'd go, "Why are we both going?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"You're the only one who's going to shag her.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43"Why am I joining you on this 500-mile journey?"
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You promised me she had a friend. Is that right?
0:02:45 > 0:02:50Is it, in bingo, which number is known as two juicy nut-sacks?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:56But they're never looking for that to come out, are they?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Why do you have to qualify that they're juicy?- Well...
0:02:59 > 0:03:03because if you look at them, they are, aren't they? They're plump.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05What I'm saying is...
0:03:05 > 0:03:09if I was choosing an adjective, I'd go like "hairless". That...
0:03:09 > 0:03:13And that's why you're not allowed to call bingo any more, mate.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Is that how you got sacked from your job as a teacher?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Doing bingo again, kids!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Creepy bingo with Uncle Romesh.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Is it, in the original script,
0:03:25 > 0:03:29how many times did you have to say "Candyman" before he appeared?
0:03:29 > 0:03:30OK, yeah.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34If a mini-cab says it's five minutes away, how many...?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37LOUD CRACK Holy...!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Don't talk bad about Uber.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Well, the mini-cab industry has long fingers, hasn't it?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51We've all learned that today.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Little bits of glass.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Well, from now on I'm taking a black cab.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01So, you want us to carry on?
0:04:01 > 0:04:06That's so easy for you to say - we're being shelled here!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Not a single request to check the rest of the bulbs. Is that right?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15What was really weird was how loud that noise was
0:04:15 > 0:04:18and yet the light stayed on for ages afterwards.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21That's because it was very, very far away.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Nothing has fallen down, nothing fell down.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25No glass has showered down.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Is it how many people
0:04:27 > 0:04:30are going to be sacked after that light explosion?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34If they just let me get on with it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37OK, so can anybody actually tell me the correct answer,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40so we can finish this thing and get somewhere safe?
0:04:40 > 0:04:45Is it at what age is Serena Williams now the oldest Wimbledon champion?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Absolutely right. Thank you very much. Well done, Ed Byrne.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59how old is the new women's Wimbledon singles champion Serena Williams?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Williams, who turns 34 next month,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03became the oldest player to win Wimbledon in the Open era,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06when she defeated Spaniard Garbine Muguruza in the final on Saturday.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Were you all watching Wimbledon? Did you enjoy Wimbledon this year?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I'm just a bit nervous of saying anything.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Federer could have won at 33 as well.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- He's 33, but he didn't win, did he? - He didn't win.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I feel sorry for Venus Williams. She's won Wimbledon five times
0:05:25 > 0:05:28and she's still not the best at tennis in her family.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Do you think Serena just rubs it in as well on Christmas Day?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34You know, "Pass the potatoes, Serena."
0:05:34 > 0:05:38"Well, you didn't have to pass it on the Championship plate, did you?"
0:05:38 > 0:05:40That plate is for winners, Serena.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42It's interesting about Federer,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44it said in the papers, if Federer had won,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47he would be the oldest Wimbledon champion.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Yeah, but he didn't. That's not news.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54If I'd won, I'd have been the oldest Wimbledon champion.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I fancy her a bit, but I find her a bit scary,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00because she's so big and strong. Imagine her grip...
0:06:03 > 0:06:04She'd pull it off!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Are you talking forehand or backhand?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10I don't know.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12What I am wondering now is
0:06:12 > 0:06:16how you can say something like that and a light doesn't explode.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20So, Djokovic, he's the guy who won the men's...
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and then he ate a tiny bit of grass, did you see this?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27And, apparently, he promised himself when he was a child,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29that that's what he would do if he won Wimbledon,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31but I don't think we should
0:06:31 > 0:06:33keep promises we made to ourselves as children,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36or I would be living in an ice cream van,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38fattest ballerina in the world, married to my dad.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:44He's probably quite the catch.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- I've seen a documentary about that on Channel 5.- I can do better.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52The coverage was quite celeb-heavy. They really have gone big on it.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55What I really wanted to happen there...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Benedict Cumberbatch and Hugh Grant were watching.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00What I wanted to happen was, towards the end of the fourth set,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02when it was obvious Djokovic was going to win,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05was Benedict Cumberbatch to say to Hugh Grant,
0:07:05 > 0:07:06"I think that's it for Federer."
0:07:06 > 0:07:09And Hugh Grant replies, "No shit, Sherlock."
0:07:09 > 0:07:12It'd be a lovely moment.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I hate it when there are comedians in the audience,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19particularly when they're in the Royal Box,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21cos my wife loves the tennis, absolutely,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24and she's glued to Wimbledon every year, and every time they cut
0:07:24 > 0:07:27to the Royal Box and Michael McIntyre or Stephen Fry is in there,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I can just feel my wife's eyes on me, like,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33"If you were just a bit funnier."
0:07:33 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Who missed the men's final?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Oh, I love this story,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Lewis Hamilton, he was like bragging on Instagram with
0:07:45 > 0:07:47pictures of the invitation to the Royal Box
0:07:47 > 0:07:49and then there was this empty chair and I
0:07:49 > 0:07:52think the commentators were, "Where's Lewis Hamilton?"
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Apparently he turned up not in the right clothes. I'm picturing him
0:07:54 > 0:07:57getting straight out of a racing car wearing his helmet
0:07:57 > 0:07:59and walking up, going like, "What?"
0:07:59 > 0:08:01And putting down his visor to hide his tears.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Yes. Those were the clothes he arrived in.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06He wasn't wearing a jacket, he wasn't wearing a tie
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Why did he have to miss the whole match?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Surely if anyone can drive home quickly
0:08:10 > 0:08:12and grab a tie and come back...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14He can change in 7.8 seconds.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17It's just royal etiquette though, isn't it?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19It's all very well laughing at Lewis Hamilton because
0:08:19 > 0:08:22we know Lewis Hamilton. But this is us then coming down
0:08:22 > 0:08:23on the side of the man going,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26"I don't care who you are. You're the World Driving Champion, well
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"I'm the sub head of the Royal Box Seating Committee.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33"So who's got the real power now, Mr Vroom Vroom?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:36There's a lot of royal etiquette like that.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38It is a royal rule that you're
0:08:38 > 0:08:41never allowed to turn your back on the Queen. Did you know that?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I don't know why - she's very unlikely to nick anything.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47She's making it very difficult for her chauffeur.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Yes.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"Allo, Your Majesty."
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Does she sit on his lap?- Exactly.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59APPLAUSE
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Maybe it's not having your back to the Queen, it's turning your back to
0:09:04 > 0:09:05the Queen. Maybe she had
0:09:05 > 0:09:07a really bad experience with a kebab rotisserie.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10She doesn't want it brought back, the memory.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12She'd struggle if she went on The Voice.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:26In other news, what new tax are doctors demanding?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28It's on sugary drinks isn't it?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- Yes, it is, yes.- Oh, yeah. 20% tax they want on... Yeah,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35added to all of the drinks, fizzy drinks.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- It's just exactly what you said. - Yes.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Just in case anyone missed that.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45"Sara Pascoe, she looks at the stories behind the headlines."
0:09:47 > 0:09:51I think this is to do with the 20% tax on sugary drinks.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55They want to use the tax money
0:09:55 > 0:09:57they've raised to reduce the price of fruit and vegetables.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Yeah.- Which is just such a crap idea.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05Because 20% off a turnip doesn't make a turnip any more attractive.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"What, 70 pence? I don't think so. I think I'll have some
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"cauliflower instead. Yum-yum-yum."
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Well, they say it's because of obesity and tooth decay,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20and I'm on 16 cans of Coke a day just to get mine smaller.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24You've got perfect teeth and you need to stop putting yourself down.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25You've got very beautiful teeth.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28No, they're not, they're ridiculous.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I think that part of the problem is that, you know,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39the reason that kids don't care about their teeth any more
0:10:39 > 0:10:43is that tooth fairy money has gone up so ridiculously
0:10:43 > 0:10:45that there's no incentive for kids to keep their teeth any more,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48do you know what I mean? You're going to get kids going,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52"I've got £3 in cash and 50 quid, "but it's all tied up in my mouth."
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Does your tooth fairy pay in euros or pounds in your house?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I pay them in pounds, because they live in London.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05I feel like that would be unnecessarily confusing.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06"Ah guten news."
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Angela the tooth fairy.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14APPLAUSE
0:11:14 > 0:11:18I remember arguing with my dad about the value of my tooth as a child.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I'd lost a tooth and my dad said,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"How much do you think the tooth fairy is going
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"to give you for that?" I go, "I'd say 50p."
0:11:25 > 0:11:28My Dad went, "I don't think that tooth is worth 50p.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30"I think that tooth is worth 20p."
0:11:30 > 0:11:33And I remember saying to my dad, "It's not up to you,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"it's up to the tooth fairy."
0:11:35 > 0:11:38And do you know my Dad correctly predicted
0:11:38 > 0:11:40what the tooth fairy would leave!
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Very wise, your dad.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Very wise.- I don't think this is that bad
0:11:46 > 0:11:50cos my uncle's got no teeth and he's fat and he's quite happy.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51But it's probably the meth.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:57At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Sara and Romesh.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Well done.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Now we play a round called Grand Slam, Thank You, Ma'am.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06This game involves Rob Beckett and Ed Gamble.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12This round is a stand up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News
0:12:12 > 0:12:15and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must
0:12:15 > 0:12:18step forward and talk about that subject. OK, here we go.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Let's have a look at the first topic.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23The first topic is Health.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I had to have my penis looked at.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34By a doctor, I didn't just wake up one morning and go,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37"Oh, more people should be looking at this, quite frankly.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"I should spend an hour a day at my bedroom window with it pressed
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"up against the glass."
0:12:42 > 0:12:44It was a scary experience having to go to the doctor's.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I thought I should build up the courage to get down there
0:12:47 > 0:12:48and have it looked at. When I went in there,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51my courage flew out the window like a little bird.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53As soon as I went in there I found out that the doctor
0:12:53 > 0:12:56who I had an appointment with was a lady doctor.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Now I obviously don't have a problem with ladies being doctors.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02In fact, give them the vote, that's what I say.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03But there is a worry
0:13:03 > 0:13:05if there is a lady poking around
0:13:05 > 0:13:09down there, in that context. What if your nethers decide,
0:13:09 > 0:13:13"Ooh, I think it's time to go to work."
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Luckily, then, I remembered I'm not an Alsatian whose lipstick
0:13:17 > 0:13:20pops out at the slightest whiff of an undercarriage.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I needn't have worried because she was a good doctor,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28she was a great doctor,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30she put me at ease straight away using one word.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32This is what she said. She said,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34"OK, Mr Gamble, just go behind that curtain there
0:13:34 > 0:13:37"and pop it out for me." There's the word. "Pop."
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Now "pop" is a lovely word.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40As soon as I heard that word I knew everything
0:13:40 > 0:13:43was going to be fine because she was not expecting anything
0:13:43 > 0:13:45big in that area at all.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Because the word "pop" is reserved for very small things.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49No-one has ever said,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53"Come in, help me pop the elephant in the van," have they?
0:13:53 > 0:13:57So I was relaxed. Better than me going in there and her saying,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00"OK, just heave yourself out of your trousers for me."
0:14:02 > 0:14:05"Just haul yourself out of the front of your trews."
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"Just swing yourself over in my direction."
0:14:08 > 0:14:11"Maybe I can bring out this Shire horse and
0:14:11 > 0:14:15"he can drag your junk over towards my work station."
0:14:15 > 0:14:16"Or open this corner cupboard
0:14:16 > 0:14:19"and bring out a team of pantomime dwarves who can
0:14:19 > 0:14:24"shoulder your meat and waddle over towards me like
0:14:24 > 0:14:27"pall bearers at a weird circus cock funeral."
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Thank you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30APPLAUSE
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Thanks, Ed.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34OK, that leaves us with Rob.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Let's see what we've been left with for a topic.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And the topic is Growing Up.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Yeah, I've had a big year, I've been growing up, I got married...
0:14:48 > 0:14:49CHEERING
0:14:51 > 0:14:55And I live with her as well. Nice, I like it, it's exciting.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59She's pretty happy about the marriage. Yeah. She's got
0:14:59 > 0:15:04a passport now, so... But, it's weird, though, like when you get...
0:15:04 > 0:15:08You grow up, your friends all get in couples and stuff like that,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11they always go, "Why don't we do Come Dine With Me?"
0:15:11 > 0:15:12No.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16If we're going to do a television programme let's do Total Wipeout.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19It's much more fun, innit? I don't want to just cook more.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23It's weird though because my mum did different things when she
0:15:23 > 0:15:25was growing up. She used to do Tupperware parties.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28And these don't exist. This is where groups of grown women
0:15:28 > 0:15:30used to buy and sell lumps of plastic.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32What kind of a night in is that?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Like, the only thing that ever got bought at a Tupperware party was a big bowl,
0:15:36 > 0:15:37going to be used for salads in the summer,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39just turned into the house sick bowl.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Everyone's got one of these horrible bowls in their house.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48It's a bowl you keep in your house
0:15:48 > 0:15:51that every member of your family's been sick in at least once.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54What kind of life's that for the bowl?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56He's at the Tupperware party, I'm a big bowl,
0:15:56 > 0:16:00going to see some salads in my time. No mate, sick forever.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02The thing is, well, I used to come home from the pub,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05not even going to be sick, just a bit pissed.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Mum goes, "Get in the sick bowl, you need the sick bowl."
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I don't need the sick bowl, Mum.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12But I get the bowl, I look in it, get flashbacks, I'm sick everywhere.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:17There's been three generations of sick in that bowl.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20It's the closest we've got to an heirloom.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Well done, very good. Well done both of you.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Points for both Rob and Ed. Come on back.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:16:34 > 0:16:37The next round is called Picture of the Week.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I show the panel topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43So, teams, who is this and why were they in the news this week?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Is he saying, in Greece we play air bouzouki?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I think he's probably saying,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53"That referendum, Alexander, that was a pointless answer."
0:16:53 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:58APPLAUSE
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I think he's saying, I know we're in a lot of debt,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03but at least, can I just have some water?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06LAUGHTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Come on, people. Come on!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10He might actually be saying,
0:17:10 > 0:17:14the worst thing is that the Germans have made me stand in this top hat.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:19It looks more like Angela Merkel's playing the piano while he sings.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Sing for me!
0:17:23 > 0:17:27This is how you shall earn back the money. Sing it again!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31It looks to me, even though Angela Merkel is looking at him,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34he looks like he's just got there and he's like,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I'd give that a few minutes if I were you.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42It's this Greek food I eat!
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Or he's just going, sorry, can anyone pay for the cabbie? He's just waiting outside?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Hurry up, the meter's running.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Look, he'll explode the light if you don't pay him.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Nice to see Angela Merkel letting her guard down though, innit?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58LAUGHTER
0:17:58 > 0:18:01She's chilled out, she's dressed as a minion.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Very ironically. Angela Merkel dressed as a minion.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Yes, after almost 17 hours of talks in Brussels,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16a tenuous agreement between the EU and Greece has been reached.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- A long, an all-night thing, all night-thing...- Yeah...
0:18:19 > 0:18:22The tensest moment, by the way, of the all-night thing
0:18:22 > 0:18:24is when they went, Oh, my God, I'm exhausted,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27can someone get me a sugary drink? Yeah, but that's another 20% on the tax.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31And they were like, no! We'll never be free of this.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35There were all-night talks and they kept referring to them in the papers as marathon talks,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37which really just hammers it home for Greece.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39A bit of cruel irony there.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43- Marathon talks, cos the Battle of Marathon, the Greeks won.- They did.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Well, it wasn't them, was it? it was two bits,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Athens versus Sparta, wasn't it?
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- They were versus the Persians. - OK, versus the Persians.- Yeah.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- At the Battle of Marathon. - LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Can I be on that team, its boring over here.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Yeah, it really is!
0:18:57 > 0:19:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Anyone know the terms, the various terms of the deal?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Every time I read about it there's mentions of the Eurozone which
0:19:09 > 0:19:13just sounds like something from the Crystal Maze and I get all excited.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Yeah, they're bringing that back, the entire...all of Greece will be turned into the set for...
0:19:17 > 0:19:18HUMS CRYSTAL MAZE THEME
0:19:18 > 0:19:22The most desperate final round ever as they grab euros out of the air.
0:19:22 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:28 > 0:19:32You've got 30 seconds to save your economy!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35They're proper struggling, though, Greece, aren't they?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37You can get, like, flights, and holidays dirt cheap.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42I went down my local Sainsbury's and I got a moussaka...40p. They're getting rid of everything.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44They keep saying things like, "Oh, holiday-makers in chaos,"
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I think its pronounced KAVOS?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Elsewhere, who broke out in style this week?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52In style?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- The Mexican fella.- The Mexican Fella...- Oh gosh.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58..as he's mysteriously known!
0:19:58 > 0:19:59They call me...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01The Mexican Fella.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03What? Here, in Mexico?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06How does that distinguish you from anyone else in this country?
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Sssh...
0:20:07 > 0:20:09That's why he's so hard to catch!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13He's a Mexican drug lord.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Look at him, looks like Super Mario.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16That's what I was going to say, yeah.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21- It was an amazing escape, wasn't it? He built a tunnel, at least, a tunnel was dug.- He didn't build a tunnel.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Well, it was dug towards the prison, wasn't it? It was a kilometre long.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25It had lights,
0:20:25 > 0:20:26it had electricity,
0:20:26 > 0:20:27it had a track in it.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28It had a track,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31it had a Costa Coffee...
0:20:31 > 0:20:34He can do what he likes, he's a billionaire, a drug kingpin,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36he is so cocky...
0:20:36 > 0:20:38That is his passport photograph!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:42So, what are you going to do?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Why have you put "wanted" across it?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Is it as if someone's watching Mock The Week
0:20:46 > 0:20:49and going, "Hang on, that's my friend Terry."
0:20:49 > 0:20:52It is, like, just in case people are sitting and there's a man
0:20:52 > 0:20:54beside them going, "Hola que tal?"
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Wait a minute...
0:20:55 > 0:20:59hold up this sign which is printed with the word "wanted", at an angle!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02The way he snuck out of jail last time, they rolled him up in a carpet
0:21:02 > 0:21:05and carried him out and that's where the idea for a burrito came from.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:10It must have been a pretty wide tunnel to get his sombrero through.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12LAUGHTER
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Sorry, mate, sorry, mate, mate, mate, mate...
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Come on!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20It's their national hat!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Ladies and gentlemen, the new host of Top Gear.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:29 > 0:21:33How has internet pornography been put to good use recently?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- This is the tortoise, isn't it? - Yes.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39This tortoise...well, two tortoises made a run for it, didn't they?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Tortei?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:47I honestly don't think it is, but...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Is it not "tortilla"?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:54So, these two tortoises went...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57One of them returned very soon, the other one had gone walkabout,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59they weren't sure where it was, so this family...
0:21:59 > 0:22:04the kids suggested that they play this YouTube clip of two
0:22:04 > 0:22:06tortoises, like, going at it...
0:22:06 > 0:22:08And then the sounds, they played the sounds into the garden
0:22:08 > 0:22:11and then eventually this tortoise came back.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14The family decided to play... you can see it on YouTube.
0:22:14 > 0:22:20Like a nature documentary-type footage of tortoises making love.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Making sweet, sweet, wrinkly love!
0:22:22 > 0:22:27Making really slow, slow, slow, careful, precarious love.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Really slow.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31By the time they get to the money shot the currency's changed.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33LAUGHTER
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Baby, this is in drachma.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38We can show you a small...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Yes, this is it!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45You'll see some scenes of quite serious tortoise-on-tortoise action.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48The man-tortoise gets quite excited and then you'll see
0:22:48 > 0:22:52the response of the lady tortoise which is quite beautiful.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Let's have a look at some beautiful images of tortoises at love.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59TORTOISE MATING NOISILY
0:22:59 > 0:23:01What end's that?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I know that that's tortoises... I know that that's tortoises,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19but can you see what it's like from our point of view now?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22At the end of that round,
0:23:22 > 0:23:23the points go to Ed, Hugh and Ed.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25APPLAUSE
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area please.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:36 > 0:23:38and we'll see what our panellists come up with.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40OK, here we go. The first topic is...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I cannae hold her, Captain! I cannae hold her!
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Oh, no, hang on, I'll put it in the cup-holder until she cools down.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Luke, I am your father...
0:23:58 > 0:24:02I think your mum went through three Stormtroopers before me.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Good news, Lord Vader,
0:24:06 > 0:24:10the rebels have voted 55 to 45 to stay within the Empire.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17I am Thor, protector of Asgard, God of Thunder,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20and I have lost my hammer.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Pray tell, where in this Wickes can I buy a new one?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Nobody puts baby in a Korma.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32DARA LAUGHS
0:24:35 > 0:24:39AS ANDIE MACDOWELL: Is it raining? I hadn't noticed...
0:24:39 > 0:24:42OWN VOICE: And now over to Stewart with the sport.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49You're right, Frodo, this is an unexpected journey.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51We're on a replacement bus service.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58You know what?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I never liked Private Ryan. I say fuck him.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09In a dystopian future, one lone man emerges intent on destruction.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12For more on the Budget, tune into Newsnight at ten.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18AS AL PACINO: Say hello to my little friend!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20OWN VOICE: This is Warwick Davis.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25I see dead people.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26All the time.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I work at Dignitas.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37In all the Wetherspoons in all the world, he had to walk into mine.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Tall fella.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Answered to the name of Dara.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Said I'd recognise him from the back of a Megabus.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:52 > 0:25:55This is the furthest outreaches of the universe.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Alpha Centauri.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58How did they get to host the World Cup?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06AS ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09OWN VOICE: It's just very difficult to tell. You've got a lazy eye.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I'm afraid it's bad news, Dumbledore.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17The Ofsted inspectors have arrived.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24They brought the dinosaurs back to life.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Welcome to the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34What's wrong, Batman?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Well, Robin's dead.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Catwoman just dragged him in
0:26:38 > 0:26:41and tore his guts out and...
0:26:41 > 0:26:42left them at the foot of my bed.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Ant-Man!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49GEORDIE ACCENT: It's me, Dec, man!
0:26:51 > 0:26:55OK, the next topic is...
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Look at these wide, sandy beaches. Fantastic.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05And where, almost certainly, Ebola has now gone.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13And the most wonderful thing about a trip to China is you get
0:27:13 > 0:27:16the opportunity to meet the child that made your trousers.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- AUDIENCE GROAN - Yeah, I said it!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Southend is a lot like Las Vegas.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26It's the only other place in the world where you can
0:27:26 > 0:27:28pay for sex with chips.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37This is Taiwan.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I've given him a number because I can't pronounce his name properly.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I'm Danny Dyer,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50and welcome to Italy's Quaintest Vineyards.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Now, if you are travelling to America,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01remember to pack some anti-sickness tablets,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04because this is where Piers Morgan lives.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Running, cycling, rock climbing -
0:28:11 > 0:28:14you'll do ANYTHING to get out of this shit-hole.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22The accommodation, the weather, the food, all of these wonderful things
0:28:22 > 0:28:25help you to forget how smelly the locals are.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Yeah, I said it.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Today we've got a flavour of Thailand with just a little bit of Iraq.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36I'm in a branch of Tie Rack.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45This week I'm in Kyrgyzstan, answering your questions, like,
0:28:45 > 0:28:48how do you spell it and where the fuck is it?
0:28:54 > 0:28:56So here we are in Lewisham.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00It is a very impoverished area but there's a lot to see and do,
0:29:00 > 0:29:02if what you like seeing and doing is crime.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09This truly is the best way to see Portsmouth -
0:29:09 > 0:29:12looking at a picture of it when you're in Paris.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19I'm almost certain my producer has got this wrong.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22I'm on a train to Leyton with a load of football fans.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24This is the Orient Express.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Something about travel.
0:29:31 > 0:29:32Yeah, I said it.
0:29:38 > 0:29:39This is Keflavik,
0:29:39 > 0:29:43one of Iceland's oldest geezers. You all right, mate?
0:29:47 > 0:29:50When you arrive, why not try island hopping?
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Or, as it's also known, Riverdance.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00When you travel, it's important to immerse yourself in the culture.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03So here I am in Malia, being fingered outside the Lamb And Flag.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Very good. At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Ed.
0:30:08 > 0:30:09APPLAUSE
0:30:16 > 0:30:19And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Romesh Ranganathan, Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:24 > 0:30:28Commiserations to Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Ed Gamble.
0:30:28 > 0:30:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.