0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan
0:00:43 > 0:00:44and Ed Gamble,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdecombe.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:55We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I show the panel a topical image
0:00:57 > 0:00:59and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01So here's a picture of the four Labour leadership hopefuls.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03What's going on here?
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Is it AshleyMadison.com relaunches with hip new image?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Is it a new band called No Direction?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Is it a game of shag, marry, avoid...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18help across the road?
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Is it a photographer saying,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24"Could everyone with dark hair please smile like a murderer"?
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Is it a charity appeal?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Like, "For £3 a month you could buy these deluded fools
0:01:29 > 0:01:32"fresh water and false hope"?
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Is Yvette Cooper saying, "No, I'm sorry, I haven't got any change."
0:01:36 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I think the helicopter that takes them away
0:01:41 > 0:01:44is going to be too small if it has to land on that H.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Maybe it's actually... It's Steps reformed
0:01:52 > 0:01:55and H couldn't turn up so they just put him on the sign.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:01That'll be it.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Is it a photograph of two sisters and their brother,
0:02:04 > 0:02:05but when they came to develop it
0:02:05 > 0:02:09there was actually an image of their long-dead grandfather?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Interestingly, Corbyn is on the far right, there,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20which is the last time we'll ever say that.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23This is Liz Kendall, Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Jeremy Corbyn,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26who have all been campaigning to become Labour's next leader,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29the results of which will be announced on Saturday
0:02:29 > 0:02:32and thus end this, please, this three-month-long...
0:02:32 > 0:02:35It feels like we've been doing this since Corbyn was young!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Can I tell you what it looks like?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41It looks like Jack Whitehall in about 50 years' time.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45They're calling it Corbynmania.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47But you can't just put mania at the end of a word
0:02:47 > 0:02:49and think that it means something.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Like Beatlemania,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53that was when they played to 55,000 people in Shea Stadium.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Corbynmania is 1,100 bored pensioners in Norfolk.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02He's rebelled, hasn't he, against the Labour leadership 500 times?
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Over 500 times.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05If he does become Labour leader,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07there must be a very good chance
0:03:07 > 0:03:09if somebody votes against the Labour leadership,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11it is in fact going to be him.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17The Chief Whip will be going to his own party leader going,
0:03:17 > 0:03:22"Could you please vote with the party once!"
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You say he's left wing but he's got size ten feet,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27which is a massive Corbyn footprint.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30APPLAUSE
0:03:30 > 0:03:32ED: People are just ganging up on him, though.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34So I think what people are underestimating
0:03:34 > 0:03:36is the fact that the British public love an underdog.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39So if we could, we would vote for the Jamaican bobsleigh team.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42So Jeremy Corbyn's no problem.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Well, that's what Alastair Campbell said, wasn't it?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47That he's the Susan Boyle of the situation. But that...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50That's A, unfair on Susan Boyle.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52She had very different views on Trident.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55And B... LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:57And B, like, she had a lot tougher opposition.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00He would lose to Pudsey the dog.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- If you went...- Isn't Pudsey a bear?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Get your finger on the pulse, Grandad!
0:04:06 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:09It's just that I like Children In Need, mate.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Pudsey became a dog in 2012.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14It's not an insult to call someone Susan Boyle either.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Cos she surprised everyone by being excellent at her job.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20So that's... LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I think the reason he's winning isn't because he's good,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25it's because the opposition is so boring.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Andy Burnham looks like...
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Have you ever edited yourself as a football player
0:04:30 > 0:04:32on Pro Evolution Soccer?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34You know the base player you start with,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37that's just the most generic human in the world?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39That's Andy Burnham.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40He looks like someone who would
0:04:40 > 0:04:42get to the sixth week of The Apprentice
0:04:42 > 0:04:44cos you hadn't noticed him.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:49APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- And then...- And I have spent all those weeks
0:04:51 > 0:04:53really dreading the one where
0:04:53 > 0:04:56we have to interview Andy Burnham for half an hour.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57And he'd become team leader
0:04:57 > 0:04:59and get kilograms and ounces mixed up
0:04:59 > 0:05:01and that'd be it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03So, Andy, did you enjoy the process?
0:05:03 > 0:05:08I think when he loses he should get a wheelie suitcase and walk out.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Andy Burnham was also very popular with the right wing,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13wasn't he, until they realised it was just his surname
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and not his policy on immigration.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22By the way, I want to thank whoever from the production company
0:05:22 > 0:05:25left the disk for a Philips monitor users' manual on my desk
0:05:25 > 0:05:28for me to see during the show. This is really handy.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I'll upload that as the show proceeds.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Genuinely! It's in two languages. In Japanese as well!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Oh, it comes with the monitor drivers
0:05:36 > 0:05:38and the smart control software.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Lovely, ching ching!
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Does that mean that we've recorded none of this so far?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49In other news, what has Bob Geldof offered to do this week?
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Well, he's offered to have refugees stay in his homes.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54If you stay with Geldof,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57do you have to be polite about his music?
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Because if I was, like, a refugee and I moved in with Bob Geldof
0:06:01 > 0:06:04and then first morning he came down and said, "I've written a new song,"
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I'd say, "I'll take my chances in Calais."
0:06:06 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It's going to make Geldof easier
0:06:10 > 0:06:12to guess on Through The Keyhole, isn't it?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Imagine living with Geldof. You cut yourself,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20next thing there's a massive rock concert in the back garden.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22No, no, when I said Band-Aid...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30And others have also joined in this and offered their homes.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32It's happening a lot across the country.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Nicola Sturgeon has offered, hasn't she?- Yes.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Yvette Cooper has offered. But she's very good with the downtrodden.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41She already has an unemployed man living in her house.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45The people are from Syria, they are... They're desperate
0:06:45 > 0:06:48and then they're trying to improve their chances
0:06:48 > 0:06:49by turning up in Greece.
0:06:49 > 0:06:55That's like trying to improve your IQ by watching ITV2, isn't it?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57You're wondering how many of the Greeks
0:06:57 > 0:06:59are actually going to try and get into Germany
0:06:59 > 0:07:02by pretending to be Syrians.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12That's the thing, the whole thing has pointed out how much better
0:07:12 > 0:07:14the European train system is, doesn't it?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16You can get a train, you can go Montenegro...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18That's the main lesson, I think,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22we've all taken from this, the largest...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24It's not the main lesson at all, but you can get to Munich
0:07:24 > 0:07:27in a couple of days. Over here, you would have reporters on the scene
0:07:27 > 0:07:30going, "These migrants cannot understand that you can't use
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"an off-peak saver ticket to get to Waterloo..."
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Well, congratulations to the Germans, but I'm going to say it,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45historically, I've never forgiven them for...
0:07:45 > 0:07:50No! Do you remember Frank Lampard's goal in the 2010 World Cup?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54That was way over the line! No way does this outweigh that!
0:07:54 > 0:07:55You mean 800,000...
0:07:55 > 0:07:58No wonder they're trying to be the good guys of Europe!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01You think this whole... Taking in 800,000 refugees...
0:08:01 > 0:08:03It would have made it 2-2, Dara!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Maybe that's it, Josh, that Germany is getting World Cup points
0:08:07 > 0:08:09for each Syrian that they let in.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I've already got a fiver on a German Syrian to win Eurovision.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I just like the narrative.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Germany won the World Cup and the team was partly Turkish as well.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21This thing does work in sport.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Mo Farah, anyone? There is another...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25A migrant came over here...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27They will bolster your sporting chances, lads.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Mo Farah is a Somalian who acquires gold ON land.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Nothing I don't like about him.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I never thought I'd say this,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43but part of me wishes Hitler was still alive.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45AUDIENCE GASPS
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Wow! This is... Let us just savour the moment of build-up here.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I want to know what's coming afterward.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53That's where they're going to edit that.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56So, that's the end of the round...
0:08:56 > 0:08:59No, because imagine his face, how livid he'd be.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01This is the ultimate victory over Hitler.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Oh, I see what you mean, sorry. Not that Hitler is alive
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- and still in charge of the Third Reich...- No!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Hitler is in a retirement home somewhere, going...
0:09:09 > 0:09:12HE SPEAKS GERMAN ANGRILY
0:09:12 > 0:09:16..while his Turkish nurse goes, "Adolf, sit down."
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- "English!" - HE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:09:19 > 0:09:22That was a long journey for me to set you up for your trademark impression.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Thank you very much.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Always happy to throw in my little old man Hitler.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29SPEAKS GERMAN
0:09:29 > 0:09:33"Eva, I miss you!"
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Hitler meets a Mexican!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I can do that dialect.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
0:09:41 > 0:09:42"Was ist das?!"
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Everyone is coming north rather than...
0:09:47 > 0:09:49They're in the middle of the Middle East.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Fingers have been pointed at rich Middle East countries going,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"Why aren't they...?" They're taking no-one at all.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Well, you know, the United Arab Emirates can't
0:09:58 > 0:10:02because they spent all their money on Raheem Sterling.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Lebanon has got 1.2 million, Jordan has got a million.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Not that Jordan, obviously that would be a hell of an episode
0:10:09 > 0:10:11of What Katie Did Next.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18She has the land, for God's sake! They could ride horses.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19"I'm meant to be at a photo shoot,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23"but I've got 1.2 million migrants in my stable."
0:10:23 > 0:10:28Yes. Oh, my God! Hilariously, my monitor just stopped working.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32If only we had the instruction disk for a monitor.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41At the end of the round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Now we play a round called
0:10:47 > 0:10:49My Mock Shake Brings All The Boys To The Yard.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53This game involves Milton Jones and Ed Gamble,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03one of our performers must step forward and talk about that topic.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05OK, here we go. First subject, please.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09And the first topic is relationships.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Ed.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14So, I've just moved in with my girlfriend.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16AUDIENCE CHEERS Thanks.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Cheers, thanks for the support, Mum. That's good of you.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22It's good, it's exciting. It's the first time I've lived with a girl.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Obviously we're finding out a lot more about each other that we didn't know before.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27What I found out about her is she is kinder, funnier,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29more sensitive than I ever realised.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32What we've both found out about me is that I'm a terrible,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35terrible prick and so difficult to live with.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Because it turns out I'm a tidy person. I didn't realise.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I thought I was normal,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44but apparently, it is not normal to have a favourite J Cloth.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48She is a messy, messy lady.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51She is unbelievable. She's laid-back.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53"No worries," she says that a lot. Who has no worries?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Are you dead? Are you a robot? What's wrong with you?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59You should wake up, worry, go to bed.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01That is a full day as far as I'm concerned.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04She genuinely said this out loud the other day, "Hakuna matata!"
0:12:07 > 0:12:09And I'm starting to think the actual Swahili
0:12:09 > 0:12:11translation of that is, "Doesn't hoover."
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Because there is underwear everywhere.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19This is an odd side effect of living with a girl that
0:12:19 > 0:12:20I did not fully anticipate.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I no longer find women's underwear
0:12:22 > 0:12:25sexually titillating in any way whatsoever.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Because I used to be able to just see underwear
0:12:27 > 0:12:29and that was enough to get me excited.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Didn't have to be a woman in it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34It'd just be a bra on the floor and I would go, "Ooh!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37"Boobs were there!" That's enough.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Now nothing like that. I see a pair of knickers now,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43it's just something the remote control might be under.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Well done, Ed Gamble. Very good.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52That leaves us with Milton.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57And the topic is medicine.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I have to go to the chemist's soon to collect my prescription.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Not from PC World like last time.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Those tablets were very difficult to swallow.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Recently I went to the chiropractor's, or as they call them
0:13:18 > 0:13:20in the capital of Egypt, the practor's.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I put my back out trying to shoot horses, but it turns out
0:13:27 > 0:13:31the World Health Organization aren't trying to eradicate polo.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38My dad was a doctor, my mum was a nurse, they had six children,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40we all left home early. Well, they needed the beds.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I remember the birthday I asked for that game, Operation.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Three years I waited.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I was talking to a nurse the other day.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01She said the main problem facing the NHS is Holby City.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Actually, she might have said, "Obesity."
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Well done.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14At the end of that round, the points go to Ed Gamble.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25On the board are six categories. Ed, which category would you like?
0:14:25 > 0:14:30- Home News, please.- Home News it is. The answer is 63 years.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32What is the question?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35What is the shelf life of a Peperami?
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Easy. If Hugh Hefner is 88 years, how old is his wife's granny?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Is it what is the battery life of my Nokia 3310?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Is it how long before the Lib Dems can legitimately book
0:14:55 > 0:14:57a conference room again?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Is it what's old for a child?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Is it how long will it take before that American dentist
0:15:09 > 0:15:13feels comfortable putting his new lion rug in the waiting room?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Is it what does the TARDIS do to the gallon?
0:15:22 > 0:15:27How long, in his five-year career, has Jack Wilshere been injured for?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30How old does cheddar have to be
0:15:30 > 0:15:34before it's described as "off" rather than mature?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Is it how long has the Queen been our monarch?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42You're absolutely right. That is about the Queen.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Thank you very much, Josh Widdicombe. Yes.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48APPLAUSE
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Yes, this week, the Queen surpassed Queen Victoria's 63 years,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53seven months and two days, making her the longest reigning
0:15:53 > 0:15:54monarch in British history.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- Are you all excited about this? - Yeah.- Yeah.- OK.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02That's a very curious crown she is wearing there, isn't it?
0:16:02 > 0:16:03She's...
0:16:06 > 0:16:09She's double-hatting it, I think it's called.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I think somebody should have spotted that.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15You know, I think very little about the Queen,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18but I hope on this particular day, she was sitting in a room
0:16:18 > 0:16:20with a giant portrait of Queen Victoria,
0:16:20 > 0:16:26just ticking it off, just staring at Queen Victoria until...
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Until her iWatch goes off... - MIMICS WATCH
0:16:29 > 0:16:31and she goes... "Take the picture down."
0:16:31 > 0:16:34APPLAUSE
0:16:36 > 0:16:39In honour, though, in honour of this being a historic day,
0:16:39 > 0:16:43we are drifting from our usual format.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- We're going to have a quiz.- Ooh!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- We're going to have a quiz. - I love a quiz.- It is our Liz Quiz.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53FANFARE
0:16:53 > 0:16:56APPLAUSE
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I love the expense that has been spent on that!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I really want to thank her for coming in
0:17:01 > 0:17:03and recording that little wave.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08What two common documents does the Queen not have?
0:17:08 > 0:17:09The Da Vinci Code.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12And Life Of Pi. Next!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Oh, the rest of them, she has them all!
0:17:16 > 0:17:17She doesn't have a driving licence.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19She doesn't have a driving licence, no.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Although she has qualified to drive. - Yes, she has.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- She trained to drive in the Army, as far as I know.- She did, yes.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26She stripped down engines and everything in the Army.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- Absolutely, yes.- Passport.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Doesn't own a driving licence, and is the only person
0:17:32 > 0:17:34in the country who doesn't need a passport,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36as they are issued in her name,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38and so she cannot issue in her own name, because, you know.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41But I think she's relatively good on the ID front.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43She just has to take out a tenner and go... "Hm?"
0:17:45 > 0:17:48"Oh, you don't get this? Go send a letter, bitch!"
0:17:48 > 0:17:51APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:17:53 > 0:17:57What did the Queen invent with a dachshund and a corgi?
0:17:57 > 0:17:58A dorgi.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Yes!- Is it?! - Yes, it is.- I was joking!
0:18:01 > 0:18:02LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:05She invented a breed of dog called the dorgi.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Would you say she "invented" it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:10What, she was there, going, "Right, you put that in there now"?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13She didn't invent it, though, did she?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15According to this card, yes, she did.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18She couldn't have gone on Dragons' Den.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23- AS THE QUEEN: - "One needs £30,000 for...
0:18:23 > 0:18:25"40% of the company."
0:18:26 > 0:18:29It's always 40%. That's all they ever want,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32no matter how much you say initially. "8%?" "40!"
0:18:34 > 0:18:36It's commonly known that the Queen owns the UK's swans.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Commonly known that the Queen owns the UK's swans, it says here,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42but what other water-based animals does she also have the right to own?
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Ducks.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Not ducks, no. - Shopping trolleys.- I think it's...
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- Is it dolphins?- It is. It's dolphins, whales and sturgeons.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I'm pretty big on the royal family. I know a lot of stuff.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55You really are, actually. It's quite worrying.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Any dolphins or sturgeons within three miles of the UK, they're hers.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Do the dolphins know, or do they just stray in, and that's it?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05If they get too close, she's in a speedboat constantly.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Just patrolling a three-mile limit around the country.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11With her army of swans?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14With her army of swans, who work to track them.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18When she does that wave,
0:19:18 > 0:19:22she's actually doing a fin motion to summon her dolphin army.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- AS THE QUEEN: - "Army of dolphins... Assemble!"
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"I come today with an army of dolphins.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32"I want £40,000 for...
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"25% of the company."
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"I have invented a swalphin."
0:19:37 > 0:19:39APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:49It's interesting, though, because actually, Mock The Week is a quiz.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51And yet...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Yes, we just shattered that thing by going,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"Oh, we're going to have a little quiz!"
0:19:58 > 0:20:00We've never done this before! I mean...
0:20:00 > 0:20:02The points go to... er...Josh's team.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07What unusual present might people be giving this Christmas?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Dead seagull?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Oh, have you ruined the surprise?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18You are the worst secret Santa ever.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21MIMICS SEAGULL
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Kill it the first time! For God's sake, kill it.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- I think it is actually sperm, isn't it?- It is sperm, yeah.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29That's not an unusual gift.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35APPLAUSE
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Sperm?!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Horrific return policy.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44APPLAUSE
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Not interested. - "You said 14 days..."
0:20:47 > 0:20:51AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Oh, you've lowered the tone, Dara!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55How have I ruined it?!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57How have I ruined it?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Hitler'll be sat at home livid that you've just said that.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02"Das vas ein superben joke!"
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Yes, but why is this a story?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Because there is a British sperm bank, which,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13since it's been set up, and I don't know how long it's been set up.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- It's a while, so like a year, year and a half or something.- Yeah.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19It's only had nine donors.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Yes.- I'm wondering who the other eight are!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Do you know if they meet up? I presume if there's nine donors,
0:21:26 > 0:21:30it's got to meet up every Christmas and swap stories.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Not for biscuits, though.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35AUDIENCE GROANS
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Yeah. AND he's a Hitler fan!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42You get paid 35 quid, and they were saying, well,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44they could up their money to get more donors,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47but they don't want people just doing it for the money.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Oh, that's what you want, though -
0:21:48 > 0:21:51people just doing it for the love of it!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"I want to give something back to this game, do you know what I mean?"
0:21:54 > 0:21:56"Yeah, yeah. My dad was a sperm donor,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59"my grandad was a sperm donor... "A long line of sperm donors, yeah."
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Is it 35 quid for the whole lot, or 35 quid per sperm?
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Because I could be up...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05maybe 160 quid.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09What's the other reason, by the way,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11that people don't want to donate sperm?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Because when you're 18, they can now track you down.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Yeah, they can. You can no longer be
0:22:15 > 0:22:17an anonymous sperm donor in this country.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19You don't need that, do you? You know...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21You've just cracked one off, not thought much about it,
0:22:21 > 0:22:2518 years later...you get this angry teenager coming up...
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Ding-dong!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29"Dad! Hello, Dad! Why did you leave me?"
0:22:29 > 0:22:31"Erm...
0:22:31 > 0:22:32"35 quid!"
0:22:32 > 0:22:34APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Well, it's actually, they've...
0:22:39 > 0:22:42They've had a number of people attempt to be sperm donors,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44they need regular sperm donations, but it's very difficult,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47because it has to be frozen and then, in terms of the sperm,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49it has to have a very high motility, a very high strength.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- But it's not very difficult to be the donor.- No, it's...
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- In many ways, it's the easiest job in the world.- In many...yes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Well, no, because you've got to go in, haven't you, into the bank.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59I don't know about anyone else,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I do most of my banking online now, so...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04APPLAUSE
0:23:04 > 0:23:07CHEERING
0:23:07 > 0:23:10At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17so if everyone can go to the performance area,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I'll read out this week's topics,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26OK, here we go, the first subject is...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31You're watching breakfast TV,
0:23:31 > 0:23:36because the chemist won't have your Valium ready until mid-morning.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Breakfast news now. A man has drowned in a bowl of Cheerios.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Sadly and ironically,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49his family didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53APPLAUSE
0:23:55 > 0:23:56This is BBC Breakfast.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Look at it. That's meant to be a sausage.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Now, if you didn't see earlier on, we had Steps.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11And that's why we interviewed Stephen Hawking outside.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Stay put for Jeremy Kyle.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Today's tooth count is three.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29The world of show business has suffered another tragic loss.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33But don't worry, it's one of the ones you already thought was dead.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38A lot of people ask me how I stay awake at this time.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Well, you know what they say,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42early to bed, crack cocaine in the morning.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Today, we're looking at the world's biggest birthday c...
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Oh, no, Eamonn's had it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57If you've been affected by any of the issues in today's
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Jeremy Kyle Show, then phone us up.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03You're the sort of freak we need to get on tomorrow.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Later on, we'll be meeting a man who has to go
0:25:10 > 0:25:12through 50 steps before he can orgasm.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14All that to come.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21It's Channel 5, it's 5am,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23and I am going to sack my agent.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Well, it's time for the traffic news now here
0:25:30 > 0:25:35on Christian Breakfast Time, so let's go over to our eye in the sky,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37God.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39APPLAUSE
0:25:41 > 0:25:46If you hear a knock at your door, you could be the winner of £20,000!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Two knocks and it's a police raid. Hide the guns.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Now we're going over to the kitchen, where chef Tony will be cooking up
0:25:54 > 0:25:57an excuse for why he's been texting my wife.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Next up on Channel 4 Breakfast,
0:26:03 > 0:26:05it's a brand-new, home-grown British sitcom.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Only joking, it's Everyone Loves fucking Raymond.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12APPLAUSE
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Well, let's take a look at the traffic.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17There it is.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Brum-brum.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Well, I'm looking forward to this one. In the studio we've got
0:26:27 > 0:26:30the new Doctor Who... accidentally killed someone.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36OK!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39The next topic is...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45The dark stranger emerged from the sea,
0:26:45 > 0:26:49his wet shirt clinging against his muscular torso.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Soon, she held him
0:26:51 > 0:26:55and said the words she'd been dying to say for ages.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57"I'm UK Border Patrol, and you're under arrest."
0:26:59 > 0:27:00APPLAUSE
0:27:03 > 0:27:06She felt every part of his eight inches.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11He was stiff, absolutely rigid, and even in her innocence she knew
0:27:11 > 0:27:14her hamster was dead.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21He felt a swelling down there.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Shouldn't have tried to bang a beehive.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26APPLAUSE
0:27:29 > 0:27:33He took her hand in his and squeezed it.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36"Now," he thought, "I wonder where the rest of her body is."
0:27:40 > 0:27:44I want to role-play. I'll be a prince from a mythical land
0:27:44 > 0:27:46and you be your sister.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50APPLAUSE
0:27:52 > 0:27:54He cupped her breast
0:27:54 > 0:27:55and put her arse in a bowl.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59She was into really weird shit.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06"You could make love," she said.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09"Or 'vole'," he replied, looking up from their game of Scrabble."
0:28:13 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:21She felt her bosom heaving as Mr Darcy came ever closer.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25"Blimey," he said, "you don't get many of them to the pound."
0:28:27 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:33He grabbed her hand, he held it tightly,
0:28:33 > 0:28:37and they skipped off through the fields of daffodils.
0:28:37 > 0:28:38And it was at that moment
0:28:38 > 0:28:41she thought he might be a little bit gay.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44APPLAUSE
0:28:47 > 0:28:50He looked at the tattoo of Chinese writing on her back.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52He didn't know what it meant,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54but he did know she'd put out on a first date.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00"Jeremy Corbyn, you've got me blindfolded.
0:29:00 > 0:29:01"What are you going to do now?"
0:29:01 > 0:29:04"Nothing, I just wanted to highlight the injustice
0:29:04 > 0:29:07"of inmates detained at Camp X-Ray without a fair trial."
0:29:11 > 0:29:15"Why? Why does it end like this?" she said.
0:29:15 > 0:29:20"Childhood accident," he replied. "I crushed it in a trouser press."
0:29:20 > 0:29:21APPLAUSE
0:29:23 > 0:29:25The debutantes paraded in the ballroom
0:29:25 > 0:29:27in front of the rich landowners,
0:29:27 > 0:29:30and the master of ceremonies proudly proclaimed,
0:29:30 > 0:29:32"Let the Darcys fondle the arsies."
0:29:37 > 0:29:42"Marjorie, I'm going to kiss you like you've never been kissed before."
0:29:47 > 0:29:49APPLAUSE
0:29:50 > 0:29:54"Of course I've seen a black penis before," she said,
0:29:54 > 0:29:57"just never attached to a white man."
0:29:58 > 0:29:59APPLAUSE
0:29:59 > 0:30:04At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Katherine and Andy!
0:30:05 > 0:30:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:13 > 0:30:17And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Ed Gamble.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:22 > 0:30:26Commiserations to Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdicombe.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:41 > 0:30:45# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:47 > 0:30:50# Read all about it
0:30:50 > 0:30:52# Read all about it
0:30:52 > 0:30:55# News of the world, news of the world. #