0:00:03 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
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0:00:20 > 0:00:21# News of the world
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0:00:28 > 0:00:30# News of the world
0:00:30 > 0:00:31# News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:35This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Joining me this week are Andy Parsons,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Sara Pascoe and Ed Gamble,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Nathan Caton, Hugh Dennis and Ed Byrne.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with the round called Picture of the Week.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I show the panel a topical image
0:00:55 > 0:00:57and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Here's a picture of the new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01So, what's going on here?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Has he been sleeping in the bin on the right?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08It could be, "The oldest delivery boy in the world
0:01:08 > 0:01:11"still hasn't figured out how to hold a pizza correctly."
0:01:13 > 0:01:17I suspect he's dressed up for his first meeting with the Queen.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Is it just simply "First day at big school"?
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Is it "Breaking news,
0:01:24 > 0:01:27"Marks & Spencer merge with Sports Direct"?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I think, possibly, it's page three of the Socialist Worker.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I'm glad you told me that was Jeremy Corbyn.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41For a second I was worried that's what Charlie Brown looks like now...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:49..and that folder actually contains Snoopy's ashes.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
0:01:50 > 0:01:51- Snoopy. - ANDY: Too much now.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Please, please. Snoopy is long dead.
0:01:53 > 0:01:58- SARA:- I think it's "66-year-old legend's still got it going on."
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I reckon the owners of number 48 are probably very proud
0:02:01 > 0:02:05to be able to show off their garden like that, though.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08They're sitting watching this going, "It was a Tuesday.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11"It was a Tuesday! The bins are collected on a Tuesday."
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I bet they were more surprised than anyone that one of their gnomes
0:02:14 > 0:02:16just came to life and walked off.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Is he such a dedicated socialist
0:02:23 > 0:02:25that he refuses to look to the right
0:02:25 > 0:02:29even though that's the direction he is in fact walking in?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I'm sorry, we've all worn bad T-shirts and shorts,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39it's just socks with the trainers
0:02:39 > 0:02:41is the only genuinely offensive thing there.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Yeah.- And not using cocoa butter.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44And not using cocoa butter?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- Yeah, his legs are... - He's a 66-year-old man!- So?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51There's no age restriction on cocoa butter.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I'm really 55.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58It is Jeremy Corbyn, who was elected leader of the Labour Party
0:02:58 > 0:03:03on Saturday, winning a landslide majority of 59.5% of the vote.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06So, how are we doing - the new era under Corbyn?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08It's exciting. It's really exciting.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I'm so happy and I'm not going to let you guys ruin it for me.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12I'm not going to.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14That's reasonable, isn't it?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17There's nothing weird about Jeremy Corbyn at all, is there?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- HUGH:- It's right, though, isn't it?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21In an era of identikit politicians,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23it is about time we had a leader of a major party
0:03:23 > 0:03:27who looks like he should be advertising canal boat holidays.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Look, I'm not surprised that he won,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I'm surprised that he won by such a large majority.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Like, he got so many votes,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36like, even the organisers of the Qatar World Cup were going,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"How the hell did he do that?"
0:03:39 > 0:03:43His first congratulation call was from Sepp Blatter...
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I feel really sorry for him, cos even though he's actually won this,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48people in Labour don't even seem to like him.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49I think it's because he is so good.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53He's a saint, he's so pure, he's so principled.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57He collects pictures of drain covers.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58OK. Is that a thing?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00He is the nerd of the nerds.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Obviously he's not the only MP
0:04:02 > 0:04:06who's got a large collection of pictures of manholes,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- but he's... - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Also the weird thing is he's an Arsenal supporter,
0:04:15 > 0:04:16he goes to loads of matches...
0:04:16 > 0:04:19That comes as no surprise, does it, Dara?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Yes, well, he lives in Islington, for God's sake...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Well, not so much that,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25but it's a bunch of underperforming reds
0:04:25 > 0:04:28who are hooked on the outmoded concepts
0:04:28 > 0:04:29of a foreign intellectual
0:04:29 > 0:04:32who, when they tried to put a team together this year,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34couldn't get anybody decent to join them.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37SOME CHEERS FROM AUDIENCE
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- That is funny.- That is a weapon's grade analogy there.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50No, it's actually... How did Cameron react?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Did you see Cameron's reaction to it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Security is the key word. - There's a lot about security.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58He sent out this tweet, effectively...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00DARA READS TWEET
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"..YOUR family's security."
0:05:07 > 0:05:09"Not my family. My family are fine.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"We live in a big house with two policemen out the front.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13"But your family? Where are they now?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14"Did you think that for a second?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17"Look around, can you see them? No, I can't see them either.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21"He's climbing the window and stolen them. That's what he's doing.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22"Your family are gone, my friend,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26"and I have a unique set of skills, so return my family or I will..."
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Oh, whatever Liam Neeson does.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34You see that tweet and then you see a picture of Jeremy Corbyn,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37supposedly the most dangerous man in Britain.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41This is the man who's a 66-year-old beige pensioner
0:05:41 > 0:05:43who's a pacifist, vegan cyclist.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45The most dangerous man in Britain?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48He's in trouble if there's a lorry turning left
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and he hasn't had his B12 supplements.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Do you think the subtext is the Labour Party now is a threat
0:05:56 > 0:05:59to our national security, economic security and your family's security
0:05:59 > 0:06:01because now they've become completely unelectable,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04we Tories are going to go hog wild on this country?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It feels like Cameron's got the Labour Party mixed up
0:06:07 > 0:06:09with the bad guys from Transformers.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Who are the bad guys in Transformers?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- ROBOTIC VOICE:- The Deceptacons.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20APPLAUSE
0:06:20 > 0:06:21The Decepticles?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23The Decepticles.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I think we've just spotted the nerd of the nerd of the nerds.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I think it would be exciting. I was saying to my friend,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31"Imagine if we had a genuinely pacifist Prime Minister -
0:06:31 > 0:06:33"he'd spend the defence budget on education,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35"he'd put Trident on eBay, like, he'd just...
0:06:35 > 0:06:36"It'd be so brilliant."
0:06:36 > 0:06:39My friend was like, "Yeah. Then what about if Britain was invaded
0:06:39 > 0:06:42"and everyone's family is killed?"
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"Yeah, he probably won't get re-elected."
0:06:44 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:48But it's a really great thing.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49If you did buy Trident on eBay,
0:06:49 > 0:06:50I think it's not a bad idea,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52but if you do, if you are buying it...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54come and collect it.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It's not the kind of thing you want delivered.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I actually agree with Corbyn about the whole Trident stuff,
0:07:06 > 0:07:07because I'm not a massive fan of Trident.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I'm more of an Airwaves person myself.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16What has been the response to the new Shadow Cabinet?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I was very excited by the Shadow Cabinet.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- No way(!)- Yes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Lots of people that I'd never heard of before,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24and the minute I heard of them, I loved them.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28It made me... Jeremy Corbyn's Shadow Cabinet made me understand
0:07:28 > 0:07:30why people play Premiership Football Manager.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36It's going to be an amazing team. Play too much on the left...
0:07:36 > 0:07:41But they share the ball, including with the other team.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43But their goals are unattainable.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48APPLAUSE
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Sorry, I just had a moment where I sounded exactly like my father
0:07:51 > 0:07:52and I need to shake that off.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- Yeah, and also, it has twins. - The Eagle twins.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59HUGH: Oh, I love this.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01This is in defence, isn't it?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Appointed Angela Eagle
0:08:02 > 0:08:05and at the same time appointed Lord Falconer,
0:08:05 > 0:08:10and you wonder if Lord Falconer...is there to control Angela Eagle.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11"Here, Angela."
0:08:13 > 0:08:14DARA LAUGHS
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"And the other twin, now I've got both of them."
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Yes, in other political news,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- who did David Cameron manage to offend this week?- Everyone.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Just by being him.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Sneaking up behind them and going, ("Where's your family now?")
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"Mum? Mum?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:35He offended Yorkshire, didn't he?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37He said he knew they hated everybody else,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40didn't know they hated each other more,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42and he said this when he was going to watch
0:08:42 > 0:08:46England against Australia in a one-day cricket match at Headingley.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Or as he likes to call it, the home of Aston Villa.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54You know that people from Yorkshire hated everyone outside of Yorkshire.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56First of all, they're quite charming.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Is that a thing in this country?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00They have a massive rivalry, but also within Yorkshire
0:09:00 > 0:09:02they have a rivalry, because it's all split up.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03North, south, east and west,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06so people from Leeds hate people from London
0:09:06 > 0:09:07cos they regard them as southern.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09People from Leeds hate people from Sheffield
0:09:09 > 0:09:11cos they regard them as southern.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14People from Leeds hate people in Beeston,
0:09:14 > 0:09:16cos although it's Leeds, it's south Leeds.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:26To be honest, I'm not really interested in this story.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:32A question I've been asking myself
0:09:32 > 0:09:34since the beginning of this
0:09:34 > 0:09:36is does Angela Eagle tweet?
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Or does she just go...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42HE SCREECHES
0:09:45 > 0:09:51Check out her account and it's just hundreds of "A-H-H-H-H-H-H-H",
0:09:51 > 0:09:53and then, "A mouse!"
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Yorkshire does have an excellent accent though.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00One of the finest accent jokes in the world
0:10:00 > 0:10:02is one about the Yorkshireman whose dog dies and he goes to
0:10:02 > 0:10:05a jewellers and says, "I want a statue made of me dog."
0:10:05 > 0:10:08And the jeweller says, "Do you want it eighteen carat?"
0:10:08 > 0:10:10And he says, "No, I want it chewing bone."
0:10:14 > 0:10:15It's a great joke.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Yeah, it's not mine, I didn't write it. Classic joke.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- YORKSHIRE ACCENT: - A Yorkshireman has invented
0:10:21 > 0:10:23a replacement for antibiotics.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Uncle-biotics.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31No wonder they hate each other
0:10:31 > 0:10:33if they're telling each other those jokes!
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"You've ruined Christmas again, Dad!"
0:10:37 > 0:10:38OK, at the end of that round,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40the points go to Ed, Hugh and Nathan.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42APPLAUSE
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Now we play a round called
0:10:47 > 0:10:49You've Got To Be Corbyn It To Win It.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52AUDIENCE GROANS
0:10:52 > 0:10:54This game involves Nathan Caton and Ed Gamble,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00This round is a stand-up challenge, I launch the Wheel of News
0:11:00 > 0:11:01and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10And the first topic is home life.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Nathan. - Yeah, I can talk about home life.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I, eh, still live at home with my mum, still.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Thanks for the judgmental silence.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Yeah, I live at home, my mates give me the most stick for it,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27cos I'm the last one in my group of friends who still lives at home
0:11:27 > 0:11:29with my mum, they've all moved out.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31So they see me as a mummy's boy, and every time they see me,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33"Nathan, what's wrong with you, man?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"Why you still at your mum's, why you still at your mum's?"
0:11:36 > 0:11:38It's like, "I live in west London, have you seen house prices?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40"I'm not going anywhere, man."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42If anything, I'm looking at my mum thinking,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44"When are YOU going to bloody leave?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"Clinging on, let it go, woman."
0:11:51 > 0:11:54She's going to slap the black off me when she sees this.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58See, I like peace and quiet. Although to be honest,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00at home I'm not getting a lot of peace and quiet.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Mainly because of my mum and my stepdad,
0:12:02 > 0:12:08they got married quite recently, and, erm, I'm happy for my mum.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10She's found happiness, she deserves it.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13However, at the moment they're going through that honeymoon phase,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15where they're having sex all the time.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Yeah, it is bloody disturbing, man.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Cos my bedroom is, like, right next door,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22so every time they do it, I hear everything.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25A few Saturdays ago, right, it's late at night,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I'm about to go to sleep, from next door I can hear my stepdad going,
0:12:29 > 0:12:33CARIBBEAN ACCENT: "Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, Lord, oh, Lord,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"say something nasty, say something nasty..."
0:12:36 > 0:12:37LAUGHTER
0:12:37 > 0:12:40So I screamed out, "You're not my real dad!"
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Thank you very much, Nathan Caton.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49OK, that leaves us with Ed,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52let's see what topic you've been left with.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54And the topic is diet.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I hope this isn't just a hint that I need to lose weight.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Cos I've lost quite a lot of weight recently,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05about 6st in the last three years.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06SILENCE
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Cheers, guys, thanks...(!)
0:13:08 > 0:13:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Too late, you went with the British reaction, thank you very much.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14"Couldn't give a shit, mate, carry on.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17"Stop showing off, we don't want to hear about it."
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Found myself in a bit of a nightmare situation recently,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I went to the Middle East to do some gigs.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Now, that bit was nice, lovely, but they put you up in a hotel
0:13:26 > 0:13:28where the food is all-you-can-eat buffets
0:13:28 > 0:13:30three times a day for ten days.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33This is a nightmare scenario for me
0:13:33 > 0:13:36because I cannot be trusted at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Sometimes I don't even remember the buffet bit,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41all I remember is picking up a plate and I wake up six hours later
0:13:41 > 0:13:44covered in rice and sauce.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I can't theme a buffet either.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I won't pick up a plate and go,
0:13:48 > 0:13:49"I'll have some rice, I'll have some curry.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53"Well done, Ed, you've made yourself an Indian meal."
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Won't do that. I'll get a plate, get a spoon
0:13:57 > 0:14:01and I'll run along the full line of trays just scraping food
0:14:01 > 0:14:03from every nation onto it,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05until I've got some sort of plate Pangaea,
0:14:05 > 0:14:09just an unidentifiable mass - Spanish food, Japanese food,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Chinese food, Indian food, coffee, sushi, just horrible...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Just wedge my face into it,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17everyone going, "Is that man all right?"
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"Don't look at me! I'm having a buffet!"
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Just food from all over the world.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27My body, for ten days, had no idea where I was on this planet.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I went for a shit three days in, a UN flag came out.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Well done. At the end of that round, the points go to Ed Gamble.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Come on back.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47The next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48On the board are six categories.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Nathan, which category would you like?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Uh, it's got to be sport, please.- OK, cool.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Your category is sport, the answer is...
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Erm, "How many white people apologised to me
0:15:00 > 0:15:02"when 12 Years A Slave was in the cinema?"
0:15:05 > 0:15:07(I'm really sorry, really sorry.)
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I don't know him, it's cool. Don't worry.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13It is, "How many pounds in cash did the Queen hide under her bed
0:15:13 > 0:15:18"when she'd seen that Jeremy Corbyn had been elected leader?"
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Her family's security is at risk.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Is it, "How does someone with a cold say 'One million'?"
0:15:27 > 0:15:30That could be what caused the financial crisis.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Is it, "How many wives would Henry VIII have had
0:15:34 > 0:15:36"if he'd been on Tinder?"
0:15:38 > 0:15:40"I shall have her!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43"And I shall have her!"
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Am I even flicking the right way? "I shall have her!"
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- You did good.- Thank you. - Oh! N...
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Is it, "How many crisps can you eat before you bleed to death...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58"..having a spiky, spiky poo?"
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- From a spiky poo?- Or as the Scots call it, "Bitey shitey".
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Is it, "What is the first thing that happens
0:16:11 > 0:16:14"in Billy Elliot, The Musical?"
0:16:14 > 0:16:15"One - Billy on."
0:16:16 > 0:16:19AUDIENCE GROANS
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Is it, "How many of Hilary Clinton's e-mails were actually spam
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"asking her if she wanted to increase her penis size?"
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Is it, "How many traces of urine are there in a peanut bowl
0:16:31 > 0:16:32"in a piss-on-your-hands club?"
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I really hope it's that one!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Fingers crossed!- Is the right answer!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Is it, "How many times since Saturday
0:16:46 > 0:16:47"has Andy Burnham gone, 'Bollocks.'?"
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Can we move towards the correct answer, please?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56OK, "How many tracks are there on the compilation album
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"The Best Of Sound?"
0:17:04 > 0:17:07That's gotta be the answer, right?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10It was only released... It was released this week.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13We now have to think of things to improvise around that now.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15"Oh, this really is the BEST of sound."
0:17:16 > 0:17:23I think it's, "How much income will be generated by the Rugby World Cup?"
0:17:23 > 0:17:25That's absolutely right, Hugh, thank you very much.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Yes, the answer we were looking for was,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"By how much money is the forthcoming Rugby World Cup
0:17:33 > 0:17:36"expected to boost the economy in the UK?" The tournament,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39which is being hosted by England for the first time since 1991,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41begins on Friday and is expected to attract
0:17:41 > 0:17:44almost half a million overseas visitors.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45People getting excited?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Yes, there's only one sleep until the Rugby World Cup
0:17:48 > 0:17:52and then 25 more sleeps, as I snooze through it cos it's so boring.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I think you can sleep for 45 - it goes on for a while.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- You're excited? You... - Yeah, I'm excited, I'm excited.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Yeah, you know, there are very few games where,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04before you go out on the pitch, you decide there's probably a need
0:18:04 > 0:18:08for you to gaffer tape your own ears to your head.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Is that what they have to do? - Yeah, in case people bite them.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12People chew their ears.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Not in a nice nibbly way? Like, "You're playing really well."
0:18:18 > 0:18:20That's what we do at netball.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24It's the only sport where the opening ceremony
0:18:24 > 0:18:26is a doctor just explaining concussion.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30That's one thing I do find fascinating
0:18:30 > 0:18:31is how well behaved they are in rugby.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I'm used to football where they argue all the time.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Rugby's like cricket in the sense that they just obey.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39In cricket, if you're given out, you don't argue.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40It's like, "Why are you not arguing?"
0:18:40 > 0:18:42The umpire's an old guy with a cardigan.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46You're a young athlete with a bat - you can make him change his mind.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Somebody sent me the Ireland jersey.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52A couple of mates have sent me the Irish jersey in large
0:18:52 > 0:18:53and it's ludicrous.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56It's like a child's T-shirt, because they wear them incredibly tight
0:18:56 > 0:18:58so that no-one can grab them,
0:18:58 > 0:18:59there's nothing to hold on to any more.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02It's all changed. I put it over my head with my hands through it
0:19:02 > 0:19:06and had to get somebody to roll it down my torso.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10You look a bit like the thing at the end that they throw the ball across.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Like that and they throw it through.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Before you make jokes like that,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18you need to make sure you know "posts" is a word.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22It's not netball, you don't throw the ball over the posts!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24It would be wonderful if, at the very end of the World Cup Final,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27they just threw the ball over the posts and went, "Yay!"
0:19:27 > 0:19:29That's not how you score!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Kicking, though - you kick it through the posts?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34And then the game's over?
0:19:34 > 0:19:35No, no!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37This is such a happy day for me
0:19:37 > 0:19:41that somebody on this show knows less about sport than I do.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I'm sitting here now, I feel like Eddie Waring.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Eddie Waring who was Rugby League?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53In the line-out, what happens is they throw the ball in
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and it's a bit like cheating, cos two of them can lift up a player
0:19:56 > 0:19:58so as they jump higher to get it, right?
0:19:58 > 0:19:59But if there's eight in the line-out,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01why don't they take the cheating further,
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- get three of them to lift up two of them to lift up one of them?- Yes!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08It's like Strictly or something.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11They're all standing there and, suddenly from nowhere,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13one them just appears out of the line.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Generally in the direction you're reaching for the ball.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19They should do more...that.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22They should play the music from Dirty Dancing when that happens.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23That would be fantastic!
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- BOTH SING: # The time of my life... # - So the person who gets lifted up,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30do they know it's going to happen, or is it a surprise?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Like if you two suddenly lift me and I'm like, "Oh, my God! I never knew!
0:20:34 > 0:20:35"I'm the chosen one!"
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Sometimes they think it's the Rapture
0:20:38 > 0:20:39and...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42..they think, "Oh, take me now, Lord!
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- "Oh, no, don't...!" - SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Then they're immediately run over by eight Frenchmen.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- It's a very beautiful game. - What a happy game!
0:20:54 > 0:20:58OK, moving on, who have scientists discovered in a cave this week?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I'm so excited about this story.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02But I can't pronounce the name and I'm worried about...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I know they're not here to get offended.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- They're not. - Homo NA-ladi. Or na-LA-di.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Nadali. Homo nadali.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Nadali?- Sorry, sorry, Homo naledi.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Oh! No, can we just savour that moment
0:21:14 > 0:21:16where he corrected your pronunciation
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- by getting the word completely wrong?- Yes.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Can we all just enjoy that for a second?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25It's impossible to say it without doing the...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- IN REFINED VOICE:- .."M'lady".
0:21:27 > 0:21:30To give its full name, it's Homo naledi...
0:21:30 > 0:21:31no cry.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34The reason I love this story
0:21:34 > 0:21:38is they found a few bodies from 100 years apart in a cave.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- This guy, this idiot... - That's Homo naledi.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43The find was announced last Thursday
0:21:43 > 0:21:46by the South African University of the Witwatersrand,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49National Geographic and the UK science journal eLife.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51That is a spooky cover.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- SARA:- It is amazing. - They have your hooded eyes, Dara.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- But the thing is... - LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I would find it very hard to believe if the production staff of this show
0:22:01 > 0:22:04had not done a photograph of that and made it look like you.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- I would like to think they have. - Uh-oh!
0:22:08 > 0:22:09APPLAUSE
0:22:09 > 0:22:11But why...? No!
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- Pull the face!- No! - Pull the face!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- I am not doing the face! - HUGH: I tell you one thing -
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I am not getting on that Megabus.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Now that, I think, is a thing.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29ANDY: I think we know where this is going now, don't we?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31There we go.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33APPLAUSE
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Wow.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36You look the happiest out of all three.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- How did they die? Do you know how they died?- No. I don't know.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42They were shot by an American dentist.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Now, that is too soon.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- Yep.- OK. At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Sara and Andy.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:01 > 0:23:03and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05OK, here we go.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07The first subject is...
0:23:12 > 0:23:13History...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16did I delete it?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19BUZZER
0:23:21 > 0:23:26If cycling ten miles a day uses up 400 calories,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30explain why Boris Johnson is still a fat bastard.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32BUZZER
0:23:34 > 0:23:37If the sun is 93 million miles away,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40how can that cost £32 in an Uber?
0:23:42 > 0:23:43BUZZER
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Where is Greece?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Is it, A, the Southern Mediterranean
0:23:50 > 0:23:52or, B, up shit creek?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55BUZZER
0:23:57 > 0:24:00What does the French phrase "deja vu" literally translate as?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03BUZZER
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Using examples of Michelangelo's work,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10write 500 words on why he was the best turtle.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13BUZZER
0:24:15 > 0:24:19What does the French phrase "deja vu" literally translate as?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22APPLAUSE
0:24:22 > 0:24:23BUZZER
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Question A.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Media Studies - is it a real subject?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Question B.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34IS it?
0:24:35 > 0:24:36BUZZER
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Using a compass and ruler, draw a perfect cock and balls.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44BUZZER
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Is this a rhetorical question?
0:24:52 > 0:24:53BUZZER
0:24:54 > 0:24:56You may now commence your anal sex exam.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Please turn over.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01BUZZER
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Explain how Ukip became a major force in British politics
0:25:08 > 0:25:11without using the word "wanker".
0:25:12 > 0:25:13BUZZER
0:25:16 > 0:25:18If Jay-Z is unfortunate enough to have a problem with a bitch,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21how many problems does Jay-Z now have?
0:25:23 > 0:25:24BUZZER
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Aggravated violence, question one.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Why might you use a bit of rubber hose pipe?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35No marks.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39BUZZER
0:25:40 > 0:25:42What colour is this dress,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45white and gold or black and blue? Discuss.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47BUZZER
0:25:48 > 0:25:51If a train leaves the station at the correct time
0:25:51 > 0:25:54and arrives at its destination at the correct time,
0:25:54 > 0:25:55how cool would that be?
0:25:57 > 0:25:58BUZZER
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Chemistry.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Me, you - is there any?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05BUZZER
0:26:05 > 0:26:07OK, the next topic is...
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I'm Hillary Clinton and, if you elect me
0:26:15 > 0:26:18the first female President of the United States,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I promise you that, on my first day in the White House,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I will hire a very attractive male intern,
0:26:23 > 0:26:24he will be on his knees,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27not having sexual relations with me all day
0:26:27 > 0:26:29hashtag payback, hashtag long game.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32BUZZER
0:26:35 > 0:26:39SOUTHERN ACCENT: I want to go to Washington. Why?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I want to see what colour the White House is.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46BUZZER
0:26:48 > 0:26:50No, we can't!
0:26:52 > 0:26:53BUZZER
0:26:56 > 0:26:59The name Clinton is in the DNA of the White House.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03In fact, the DNA of Clinton - on the walls of the White House.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06BUZZER
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I know the value of family,
0:27:09 > 0:27:13because I sold one of my children to pay for this campaign.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15BUZZER
0:27:17 > 0:27:20As president, I will welcome immigrants -
0:27:20 > 0:27:23because the White House is massive, and it's not going to clean itself.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25BUZZER
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I will govern for all of this country.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Not just the metropolitan cities on the coast,
0:27:33 > 0:27:37but also you cousin-shaggers down south.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39BUZZER
0:27:40 > 0:27:44I would like to introduce you to my new Homeland Security Advisor -
0:27:44 > 0:27:45say hi, Lambchop.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"Hi!"
0:27:48 > 0:27:49BUZZER
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Come on! Of course I'm the guy to succeed Obama.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54You know what they say -
0:27:54 > 0:27:56"Once you go black."
0:27:58 > 0:28:00BUZZER
0:28:01 > 0:28:03If you elect me America's first colour-blind president,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I will do everything I can
0:28:05 > 0:28:07to uphold the values of the brown, white and green.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10BUZZER
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I would now like to talk to you people
0:28:14 > 0:28:17in a language of my own devising.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- Thank you. - BUZZER
0:28:25 > 0:28:28I want to put more Boots on the ground in Afghanistan -
0:28:28 > 0:28:31and also two more branches of Paperchase.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34BUZZER
0:28:36 > 0:28:39What you must remember is that the people we need to convince
0:28:39 > 0:28:41are the great American people,
0:28:41 > 0:28:45and most of them are as thick as pigshit.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48BUZZER
0:28:50 > 0:28:52I'd like to apologise for Mr Trump,
0:28:52 > 0:28:56which is what I say when I've just farted in bed.
0:28:57 > 0:28:58BUZZER
0:29:01 > 0:29:02When I was little,
0:29:02 > 0:29:06I did not plan to be President of the United States.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10This is more like a holding job until I get to rule a good country.
0:29:12 > 0:29:13BUZZER
0:29:14 > 0:29:16I am American through and through.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Cut me, and I will shoot you in the face.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23BUZZER
0:29:23 > 0:29:26I wish to have no secrets in this campaign.
0:29:26 > 0:29:27I wish to be completely open,
0:29:27 > 0:29:29and it is...that is why...
0:29:29 > 0:29:32I'm going to start that again, cos I fucked that up.
0:29:32 > 0:29:33BUZZER
0:29:36 > 0:29:39We Republicans want to reach out to all Americans,
0:29:39 > 0:29:40blacks, whites...
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Chinesey-looking ones.
0:29:45 > 0:29:46BUZZER
0:29:46 > 0:29:48I want to have no secrets in this campaign,
0:29:48 > 0:29:50and that is why I have gathered you here tonight
0:29:50 > 0:29:52to tell you...
0:29:52 > 0:29:55I shot gay... JFK, fuck me!
0:29:57 > 0:29:59APPLAUSE
0:29:59 > 0:30:01- BUZZER - OK, at the end of that round,
0:30:01 > 0:30:03the points go to Ed, Sara and Andy!
0:30:09 > 0:30:11And that's the end of the show.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13This week's winners are...
0:30:13 > 0:30:17Nathan Caton, Hugh Dennis and Ed Byrne.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19See what you get?!
0:30:19 > 0:30:21You see what you get?
0:30:21 > 0:30:25Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and Ed Gamble.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Thanks for watching - I'm Dara O Briain.
0:30:29 > 0:30:30Goodnight.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33APPLAUSE
0:30:34 > 0:30:39# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:39 > 0:30:44# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:44 > 0:30:48# Read all about it
0:30:48 > 0:30:50# Read all about it
0:30:50 > 0:30:52# News of the world
0:30:52 > 0:30:54# News of the world. #