0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world, news of the world. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Hello, everyone, welcome to the Mock The Week end-of-year special,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33and let's face it, what says "Christmas" and "special"
0:00:33 > 0:00:36more than me distractedly knocking off a half-arsed link
0:00:36 > 0:00:37in the first week of October?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Ho-ho-ho!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Merry Christmas. Enjoy the show.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:47We start with a round called If This Is The Answer,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Ivo, which category would you like?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55- I would like Home News, please, Dara.- Lovely. Home News it is.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58The answer is one year. What is the question?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01"What would be an appropriate prison sentence
0:01:01 > 0:01:03"for people who use the phrase 'holibobs'?"
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Not the answer, but I'll take it.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Is it, "How long do the BBC have left now they've lost Bake Off?"
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And the clock is already ticking.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Is it, "In a Wetherspoons kitchen,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21"what is the chef's equivalent of the five-second rule?"
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"If Santa falls over in the bath on Boxing Day,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30"how long until anyone misses him?"
0:01:33 > 0:01:34What about Mrs Claus?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37She doesn't give a shit about him during the rest of the year.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40She's a gold-digger, mate. All she cares about is...Christmas glory.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- She's just there for the toys, is she?- People say, "Where is he?"
0:01:42 > 0:01:44She says, "Oh, he's probably in his workshop.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46"Normally is. With his elves."
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- He's always with those bloody elves, isn't he?- It seems very suspicious.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I don't know what's going on with those elves.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54There's nothing going on between Santa Claus and any of the elves.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Are you telling me he's never got a handjob off one of them?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59He definitely has, cos think how small their hands are,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01it would make it look massive.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Merry Christmas, everyone.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12I think - serious suggestion here -
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I th... Hello, by the way.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I realise I haven't said hello to you today.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18No, I thought it was a little bit distant.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19We never say hello on this show.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- There is a lack of that, isn't there?- Straight into politics, mate.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Britain needs satire and I'm here for it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28I think people don't realise that we don't all just converge on
0:02:28 > 0:02:31this point without having bumped into each other sometime
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- during the day and the lead into the recording.- What can you do, then?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36They don't, like, five minutes before the show, start going...
0:02:36 > 0:02:37HE IMITATES HORN
0:02:37 > 0:02:41..and then we all just emerge from all the different compass points.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Assemble!
0:02:43 > 0:02:49We all have little nicknames, like Token Cockney! Whimsy! One-liners!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Woman!
0:02:54 > 0:02:55It IS like The Avengers.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57APPLAUSE
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Anyone know what it actually is?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- Well, I think we all know what it actually is.- Yeah, of course.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08It's Jeremy Corbyn commiserating, sort of, with Owen Smith,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11the news that Jeremy Corbyn wins the Labour leadership.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13It is, of course, Thank you very much, Hugh. Very good.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16APPLAUSE
0:03:16 > 0:03:19It's something like the largest political party in Europe
0:03:19 > 0:03:22or something at the moment, the largest amount of members.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I mean, he rode in on a huge wave of succ...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26It should translate across and yet -
0:03:26 > 0:03:29and this is by no means any attack on him -
0:03:29 > 0:03:33it feels like winning the technical challenge in Bake Off, you know?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Oh, stop angling for the job!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I'm just saying! I'm just saying.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Can I interject here?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Has anybody on this stage won the technical challenge in Bake Off?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Yes!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50APPLAUSE
0:03:51 > 0:03:52What did you have to make?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Lemon meringue pie, bitches!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Two things. Firstly, you were doing great
0:03:58 > 0:04:01on "I won the technical challenge on Bake Off"
0:04:01 > 0:04:04until you said the words "A lemon meringue pie", when you know...
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- Bitches!- That's just a cake, that's not a tech...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11A technical challenge is some 17th-century strudel.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Lemon meringue pie is not an easy technical bake.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16In fact, Paul Hollywood even said, he looked at mine and said,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"I bet I'm going to cut into that and all the meringue's
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"going to just pour out of it." Did it? Did it buggery!
0:04:23 > 0:04:24OK, well, you killed my metaphor,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27which I was doing really nicely. Tell us instead...
0:04:27 > 0:04:28I didn't mean to kill your metaphor,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I just meant to point out that I am more qualified to wield it
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- than you are. That's all. - I'll give you that.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37This is actually turning into the Labour Party conference.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Tell us about your Showstopper. How did that go?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- How did your Showstopper go? - It didn't go well.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43It didn't go well, did it?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Carrot cake and it was raw in the middle.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51And then you just threw icing at it like you were trying to smother it.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53You're slagging, but I like the fact that you watched.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56APPLAUSE
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Ah, the Christmas quiz!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04CHEERING
0:05:04 > 0:05:07People now come specially for the Christmas quiz,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- to look at our fabulous decorations. - Oh, that's nice.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16This thing, which I think is actually, sort of, awww.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- ALL:- Awww.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21And then, for no particular reason, a squirrel.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25A squirrel with tinsel on him, which is not, in any way, effective.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- And Donald Trump's hair at the back. - And then this, a genuine...
0:05:28 > 0:05:34You can purchase this, which is a glistening owl with antlers on.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40You know, this costs, like, £4.50 or something in a shop. A shop.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Is this your audition for QVC? - Anyway, that's... Hey, hey, hey.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46OK, here's the Christmas quiz, right?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48In which there will be quizzes and questions.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53What makes the traditional British Christmas dinner unique?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- Turkey. Sprouts.- No.- Is it crackers? - What is it about it that actually...
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Racism?- Not unique, it's an achievement.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Not racism!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05You can't say that for every question, Nish!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08What makes a British Christmas dinner outstanding?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Why don't you ask it again without mumbling?
0:06:11 > 0:06:15I'm sorry, my face is full of your shitty lemon meringue pie.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. - It is quite tart. A little...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Mmm, yum-yum. Oh, it didn't fall apart, bravo(!)
0:06:28 > 0:06:31OK, why is the British Christmas dinner outstanding?
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Is it considered the unhealthiest or something?- Very close, yeah.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Is it the most fatty? - It is the unhealthiest in Europe.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41A typical Christmas dinner in this country contains 3,289 calories,
0:06:41 > 0:06:4470g of fat, 210g of carbohydrates.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48The second most calorific Christmas dinner in the world.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Who's the most calorific?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Take a wild fucking guess!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56The crazy thing about Theresa May is, obviously,
0:06:56 > 0:06:57that hardly anyone has voted for her.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Like, I think it's 165 MPs have got her into power.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I think there are more members of the So Solid Crew
0:07:04 > 0:07:05than have voted her into power.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- You weren't elected, were you, to this position, Dara? - I wasn't, I wasn't.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I stole it in a bloody coup and would do it again, my friend.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18People have disappeared from this show, Miles, and would again,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- for raising those exact kind of questions.- I'm just...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- I'm just saying.- Where's Frankie now? Where's Russell now? Gone.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25You will be dragged through the streets, Dara,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29you will be dragged through the streets like Gaddafi.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Then they'll be laughing!- There are five regulars on this show.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35How many regulars now? Just poor, weak Hugh.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Poor, weak Hugh.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Hugh will always give the correct answer when I ask him to,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- won't you, Hugh? Won't you, Hugh? - Your shoes are almost polished, sir.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Thank you, Hugh.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Hugh knows what's right for him. In other news...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I think you're terrific on the Megabus, sir.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I don't know if you're being sarcastic here, Hugh.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06APPLAUSE
0:08:06 > 0:08:08And there goes the final regular.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Just me.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14What has become the must-see attraction
0:08:14 > 0:08:16for Chinese tourists in the UK?
0:08:16 > 0:08:17DARA COUGHS
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Is it, like, there's this weird village in...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Are you all right? - I've got a bit of a cough.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Have you swallowed a moth?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28So, I'll ask the question again, shall I? Yes.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Rather than dying of pleurisy, there. What has become...
0:08:32 > 0:08:35God, I hope I don't die! That'd be awful!
0:08:35 > 0:08:36If you die in the next while and you go,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39"Oh, I know, we never asked."
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Oh, 2016, another great gone.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Weirdly, it's like you're mocking me, even though I've died.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51I'm not even dead and you're going, "Well, he's no David Bowie."
0:08:51 > 0:08:54The only thing I'm thinking is, "Then I will have won."
0:08:58 > 0:09:01APPLAUSE
0:09:01 > 0:09:05In other news, how did a worker at the Royal Canadian Mint
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- steal £100,000 this week? - He smuggled it out up his bottom.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- He did.- He smuggled gold up his bum.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14He did. He put gold up his bum.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Yeah, which is... I think it's just...
0:09:16 > 0:09:20I think he overheard or misheard a challenge where somebody said
0:09:20 > 0:09:22to him, "I can get two carrots up my..."
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"That's nothing, mate - 18."
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I did the same thing.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34I went into Waterstones. I smuggled Harry Potter out one page at a time.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It's an interesting thing, though,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39that he actually has sort of done it the right way, hasn't he?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Cos normally when you smuggle something,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43you hear stories of smugglers, they swallow stuff and he's
0:09:43 > 0:09:47actually just cut out the entire digestive system.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50He's gone in the other way. It's much, much more effective.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52But how far has he gone in?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I couldn't say. I've absolutely no idea.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59When they busted him, they went to his locker in work
0:09:59 > 0:10:03and they found just a massive tub of Vaseline, so...
0:10:03 > 0:10:07but, yeah, you do need that if you're smuggling.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I'd hate to think just a tub of Vaseline is considered
0:10:10 > 0:10:13incriminating evidence that you're smuggling.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15And if it is, you still need a warrant!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22No-one suspected anything because he arrived at this job with a clean...
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- You know, no previous records. - Clean butt. Nice, clean butt.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28His CV was very good.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31He'd worked at a pineapple factory, then the umbrella factory...
0:10:31 > 0:10:35None of those had ever happened before. Never happened before.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37It would be great to be the arresting policeman, though,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39and he says, "Are you going to arrest me?"
0:10:39 > 0:10:41And you say, "You bet your bottom dollar!"
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Do you think before he got home
0:10:45 > 0:10:48he ever, like, popped into the shops and then was a bit short of change?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52"20p short." "Wait there."
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I'm not going to continue that act out.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Can we at least assume he washed the gold?- Of course.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I think it's very safe to presume that the gold guy would have
0:11:02 > 0:11:07been very suspicious if... "Oh, are you the guy with the poo gold?"
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Apparently the metal detectors kept going off as he'd leave
0:11:10 > 0:11:13the work and they would frisk him and then go,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"Nothing. That's bizarre."
0:11:15 > 0:11:17He'd go, "The perfect crime!"
0:11:17 > 0:11:20And then waddle out.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Sounds like the worst James Bond villain of all time -
0:11:23 > 0:11:25"He's got a load of gold shoved up his arse.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27"He is Goldarse."
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I don't think it would be Goldarse, would it?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33It'd be Goldsphincter.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37APPLAUSE
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:11:42 > 0:11:44and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48This week's clip features the royal family.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"Oh, put him down, Camilla. I'm sorry, she's insatiable.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55"Anyway, I meant to give you this.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57"Er, I don't know why. I don't care."
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- GRUFFLY:- "Oh, look at this, this is lovely.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"This will make a lovely Christmas present.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07"Goodness, my voice is even lower than normal.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09"I wonder if they have any Strepsils.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"By the way, I have already paid for this.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15"I'm not walking off with it."
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- CHARLES VOICE:- "Oh, for goodness' sake, Camilla,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21"put them down. It's a compulsion. We haven't got any money."
0:12:21 > 0:12:24"Oh, no, no, please, if you could just pop them in the bag.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"Very good. Thank you so much. Lovely. Thank you."
0:12:27 > 0:12:31"Erm, just a quick word in your shell-like, Your Royal Highness.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34"That is, in fact, the fourth carrier bag your wife has filled
0:12:34 > 0:12:35"with Christmas goodies.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40"So far, she hasn't paid us for any of them. It's a charity event."
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"Don't worry, I'll just write you a pretend IOU.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48"I normally prefer to pay the way
0:12:48 > 0:12:50"I handle my relationship with my mother.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54"Contactless.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57"Yes, you take your hat off and you bow, that's what you do.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59"Hat off, bow.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03"It may be Christmas, but I'm still the Prince of Wales."
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"Oh, look at these, he's lovely.
0:13:05 > 0:13:12"Could you give me a small, furry aviator? Could I have one, please?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"No? Miserable wanker."
0:13:16 > 0:13:18"Hello, Camilla.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"We got all the goods you asked us to obtain for you."
0:13:21 > 0:13:23"That's lovely. Are they all here?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25"Oh, what a lovely puppy.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26"Could I have the puppy?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"Look at these dogs. What lovely dogs.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32"Could I have the dogs?"
0:13:34 > 0:13:36APPLAUSE
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Well done, Hugh Dennis.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41What do you want for Christmas this year?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I don't know, I don't want anything for Christmas.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46A handjob off an elf.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48The number-one gift, apparently, for Christmas this year?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Nerf. Nerf guns.- It's a Nerf gun.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52The Nerf gun is 64 quid.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56You could go to America and buy a gun for less than that.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- It's a ludicrously scary thing, the Nerf gun. This is the...- Oh, hello!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Don't point that there! Oi! Point that over someone else.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I promise I'll be really careful. I wouldn't dream of doing that to you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Of all the people here, you're the last person that I would fire the...
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Boom!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Oh, yeah, there's three things you can do, right?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You can do this big one here.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Right.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Nerf is how I did this to my eyes. I'm just saying.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- I'm just warning you. - OK, I'll get him instead.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Are we OK to sacrifice you for this? - I guess so.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29And then you can re-use them.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I bet you could catch that in your teeth, Ed.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I'm fairly certain there's an instruction manual that says,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- "Do not aim at people's faces"! - Yeah, there is.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Please remember that I am a special man with special powers
0:14:39 > 0:14:41and do not try this at home.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47APPLAUSE
0:14:47 > 0:14:49How far will it get? How far do you think it will get?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I don't know, but if he hits any of you, sue the shit out of him.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57All that money they're saving on Bake Off now can go to you!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Can it get to the back?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I mean, I feel it can be unnecessarily powerful, this thing.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- OK?- Yes, I certainly feel that. - Yeah.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Whoa!
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Oh, now! Good catch! Well done!
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Respect. That is, I'm estimating, seven gardens away.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22So you asked, "What do you want for Christmas?"
0:15:22 > 0:15:23so you could then shoot us?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28APPLAUSE
0:15:28 > 0:15:30He's still got the hump with me, James,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32because he got heckled in Derby
0:15:32 > 0:15:34because they wouldn't shake his hand.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I always shake people's hands after the show and, in Derby,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I was there the week before and shook everyone's hand
0:15:39 > 0:15:41and then someone walked out of his show and went,
0:15:41 > 0:15:42"At least Rob Beckett shook our hand!"
0:15:42 > 0:15:44That actually happened! Can you believe it?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46He shakes people's hands on the way out the door
0:15:46 > 0:15:48like a little kiss-arse.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Here's what most of us do, right?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54We do our stand-up and then we go, "That'll be enough,"
0:15:54 > 0:15:57and we go back, cos that's our job,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and Rob goes, "Please like me" at the door.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03It's pathetic!
0:16:03 > 0:16:04APPLAUSE
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I'm just thankful they came, James, and, to be fair, like, you know,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13it's only four people you've got to shake, so...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Listen, here's what's annoying about it, right?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I got heckled with this thing, "Well, Rob Beckett shook our hands."
0:16:18 > 0:16:20What else did they say? What else did they...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22James, what else did they say?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"And he had proper jokes."
0:16:24 > 0:16:26APPLAUSE
0:16:33 > 0:16:36So then I was like, right, for a joke, then, at the end,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I said goodnight, and then I legged it downstairs to the door
0:16:39 > 0:16:42and I shook all their hands on the way out, however...
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Yeah, four of them, but, like, shaking all of their hands,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47and when the last one went out - and it was clearly a joke
0:16:47 > 0:16:49that I was doing to make fun of Rob -
0:16:49 > 0:16:51and the last one went out and the venue manager came up to me
0:16:51 > 0:16:53and went, "Thanks for doing that. It really means a lot to them
0:16:53 > 0:16:55"when people take the time to shake their hands."
0:16:55 > 0:16:57"It was a joke!"
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I'm not Rob Beckett!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Yeah, but the thing is, let's be honest, I didn't have many other
0:17:02 > 0:17:05options open to me career-wise so I'm just very thankful they turn up.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Genuinely, because without them, I would probably be on the street.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Yeah. At the end of my shows, I say,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"I've been James Acaster and I could have been anything."
0:17:12 > 0:17:13And I walk off.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Why would you want to be given clothes as
0:17:20 > 0:17:22a Christmas present in Iceland?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Cos it's really cold.- It's cold. - It's freezing there.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27It's a land of ice, Dara!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Is it because you can take them back and get the money back
0:17:30 > 0:17:31in exchange for the clothes?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34No. It's not that perfectly, practically good reason.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Clothes is just a good present wherever you are.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Oh, God, yes, I know, OK, the question...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Is it cos people don't have clothes?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I'm sorry, are you getting exasperated at us trying to think
0:17:44 > 0:17:47of humorous answers to ridiculous questions that you're posing?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Should we just try our hardest to come up with the correct answer?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Would that slightly miss the point of a comedy quiz?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Is it cos normally they sell frozen food?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05The reason you should be given clothes as a Christmas present
0:18:05 > 0:18:08in Iceland is to stop you getting eaten by the Yule Cat.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Or Jola...Jolakotturinn.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21You know what? I wonder why you didn't get the QI presenting job.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24There's got to be one show you don't present, hasn't there?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26There has to be, yeah.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28What might you expect to eat at Christmas in Japan?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29- Food.- Yes.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Sushi.- No.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32- Sashimi.- No.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Don't just name all Japanese things you can think of.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Wagamamas.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41APPLAUSE
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- A bucket of...? - Eels.- Turkey.- That's not a clue!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- It's a really good clue! A bucket of...?- Fried chicken.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Fried chicken!- Is it fried chicken?! - It's fried chicken, Nish!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53APPLAUSE
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Not just any fried chicken... - Kentucky Fried Chicken?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Kentucky Fried Chicken.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Since 1974, KFC has marketed itself in Japan as a Christmas food...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Oh, very clever. - ..with the advertising phrase...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06QUICKLY: .."Kentucky for Christmas."
0:19:06 > 0:19:07I beg your pardon?!
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Say that again?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Kentucky-fu-Christmas.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16In other news, what's going on here?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Oh, is this the first shots of Channel 4's Bake Off?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Well, they had to get somebody to do it.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26By the way, any comments we make about Bake Off,
0:19:26 > 0:19:27this is done on a Tuesday,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30things are all just breaking, Mel and Sue are not doing it,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32who knows who's going to be doing it?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35It's a situation that we don't know by Friday,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38but can I just say I'm really excited to be taking over?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45I find it quite insulting that you've even made a joke assuming
0:19:45 > 0:19:46that you'd take it over
0:19:46 > 0:19:49when I've actually hosted episodes of the Bake Off!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I've actually done it!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Yeah, for charity. I'd do it for money.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58APPLAUSE
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Sorry, do you think that kids might confuse
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Corbyn with Father Christmas?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Because he's got a beard, hasn't he?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09He's promised people lots of presents
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and adults laugh at you for believing in him.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15- Yes!- It's a Christmas joke!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17APPLAUSE
0:20:17 > 0:20:22- CHANTING:- Christmas! Christmas! Christmas!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24You have, you've not just saved Christmas,
0:20:24 > 0:20:26you've saved the Christmas special.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Cos maybe she's saying something like,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34"See? It's all right if we go into work together.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36"No-one will make fun of you."
0:20:36 > 0:20:39And no-one has made fun of you, have they?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43They haven't cos it's been bring your partner to work day,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45and Sara's brought John,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48and it's a historical thing for the show.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49We've never had...
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Which Labour MP would you turn to if you wanted to buy a washing machine?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Probably none of them.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I'm much more likely to go to Currys PC World.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08And when the princess announced that she had...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! It's become a running joke!
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Moving on, how is the Labour leadership contest shaping up?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21There's no-one there, Dara.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Should have gone to Specsavers.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Is it, "How many people say 'No' when they..."
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Oh, fuck off, Rob.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Is it, "How many people say no when they get asked,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39" 'Have you been to Nando's before?' "
0:21:39 > 0:21:44Because it's a pretty popular place, and most people go, "Yeah."
0:21:45 > 0:21:49LAUGHTER
0:21:49 > 0:21:52It's a joke, innit? It's a fucking joke, that's what you want.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57How long does it take Craig David to...
0:21:57 > 0:22:00comprehensively seduce 26.6 women?
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Does he say that?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07"You have been comprehensively seduced"?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Miles, how would you comprehensively seduce someone?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Ah, you know when it's over, Rob.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19I'm Dara O Briain. I'm, like, in a mind jail of my own creation.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I'm forced to say my own name over and over again.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Save me. Save me now.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Obama's had an interesting week.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28What happened between him and the leader of the Philippines?
0:22:28 > 0:22:29We don't need the others.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33APPLAUSE
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Hi, I'm Dara O Briain and I'm sick of this shit.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Oh!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Why might Italian kids be eating this?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Now, you can get a clear view of that.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55Because things have gone very badly wrong in the Italian economy.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56They're called coal sweets.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59It's from the tradition of giving naughty children coal.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01This is a sweet that looks like coal, apparently.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05It's called carbone dolce. Er...
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sat next to you and I haven't got any goggles!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Right, and so...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER
0:23:16 > 0:23:18This may take some time.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22If someone tunes in now, it's going to look like your science show
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- has gone right down the toilet, Dara.- That should do it.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- There we go.- Beautiful.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32You first? That is... Yes, or pass it on.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36That is the traditional gift for bad children.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- What, this is what you get if you're a bad child?- Do you eat it?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Yeah, you eat it. Yeah.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Oh, my word! - It's like nanna's ashes!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47"Tastes like nanna's ashes."
0:23:47 > 0:23:50That's a heart-warming Christmas story right there, isn't it?
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- That is sugary!- Wow.- It's just two types of sugar and egg, that's all.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You look like the bloke from The Incredibles, I think.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02APPLAUSE
0:24:02 > 0:24:04There's a touch of the Minions about you.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10I can't be both Gru and the Minions.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I can't.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14That's what you want to do with naughty children -
0:24:14 > 0:24:16fill them full of sugar.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19They'll sit still and behave.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Put that away.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Oh, that was awful.- It was shit, wasn't it?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28You'll notice I didn't eat it.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- I didn't have any of it. - Oh, no, you haven't.- What?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Poisoned it.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35To be the king of the show at the end of Christmas!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37You think that would be what I would want?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Yeah, I want to kill the other six people on the Christmas special
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and just end with the six of you slumped and me going,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"Have a wonderful Christmas."
0:24:50 > 0:24:52That is absolutely despicable, Dara.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:58 > 0:25:02No! You've got me hatching a master plan.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Christ, this Gru thing is never going away.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Personally, I also don't believe you would ever do it.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11At the end of that,
0:25:11 > 0:25:16only the living may receive points at the end of our quiz.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Yes, that's all from Mock The Week.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24I did it! I did it like you told me to do it.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29What? Now I have to do the audience as well?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31They'll not fall for it again.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33But we'll try.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37APPLAUSE
0:25:39 > 0:25:42OK, the next topic is Unlikely Lines From A Horror Film.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"I know what you did last summer,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"because you keep posting all your boring shit on Facebook."
0:25:49 > 0:25:52APPLAUSE
0:25:53 > 0:25:55"I'd rather you not say 'zombie',
0:25:55 > 0:25:57"the term now is 'differently alive'."
0:26:00 > 0:26:02APPLAUSE
0:26:06 > 0:26:08"I have a message from the other side.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11" 'We have Bake Off now!' "
0:26:14 > 0:26:17APPLAUSE
0:26:17 > 0:26:20"The ghost is trying to say something to us.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21" 'Old Kent Road'...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23" 'Community chest'...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26" 'Go to jai...' Sorry, I didn't have time to get a Ouija board."
0:26:31 > 0:26:32"Oh, my God, everybody run!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35"Oh, no, it's just some fat prick with a Nerf gun."
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I think you mean a broken Nerf gun.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48For example, this bit shouldn't do this.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55"It's alive! It's alive!
0:26:55 > 0:26:56"Oh, no, sorry, it's dead.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58"I really am an awful vet."
0:27:01 > 0:27:05"I'm afraid I have no choice but to kill you...
0:27:05 > 0:27:09"because I've already chosen to shag and marry your two friends."
0:27:13 > 0:27:15"28 Days Later, a horrifying journey of
0:27:15 > 0:27:19"a man going from Three Bridges to East Croydon with Southern."
0:27:21 > 0:27:23APPLAUSE
0:27:26 > 0:27:28"I see dead people...
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"Oh, no, my bad, it's Keith Richards."
0:27:32 > 0:27:35"Get back, you demons! You devils!
0:27:35 > 0:27:39"Get away, Satan spawn, back from whence you came!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41"That was a party political broadcast
0:27:41 > 0:27:43"on behalf of the UK Independence Party."
0:27:43 > 0:27:45APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:49"Here's Johnny!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52"And then I'm going to put it on my willy!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55"And then we're going to have sexy!"
0:28:03 > 0:28:07"Sir, there's been another attack by the undead in Wimbledon.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09"No, not zombies this time.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10"Zombles."
0:28:12 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:18LAUGHTER
0:28:22 > 0:28:24"A seance?
0:28:24 > 0:28:27"No! I've been pronouncing it 'se-yon-say'!"
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear At Christmas.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44"Oh, John, thank you so much for my electric toothbrush.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47"No, it's everything I wanted and more.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50"Oh, you got lots of Nectar points on it? Good."
0:28:50 > 0:28:52APPLAUSE
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Do the fork and take a pew.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05This one might run for a while.
0:29:05 > 0:29:10"Oh, Sara, a holiday to Barbados?
0:29:10 > 0:29:12"That's going to help in the fight against plaque."
0:29:14 > 0:29:16APPLAUSE
0:29:19 > 0:29:23"It's Christmas? Today?
0:29:23 > 0:29:26"Are you sure?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28"The shops have kept that very quiet."
0:29:28 > 0:29:31APPLAUSE
0:29:32 > 0:29:35"Oh, look, everyone has eaten all the nuts I bought.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37"I should buy some more."
0:29:47 > 0:29:49LAUGHTER
0:29:52 > 0:29:54"Leg or breast?
0:29:54 > 0:29:58"I'd really rather you just put your clothes back on, Gran."
0:30:00 > 0:30:03"I'd just like to be reassure everyone that the sponsorship deal
0:30:03 > 0:30:06"will have no effect on this year's Nativity.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09"Now, Joseph, if you could just pop Jesus in the Pret a Manger."
0:30:09 > 0:30:11APPLAUSE
0:30:13 > 0:30:17# Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... #
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Mmm, Christmas with a vegan.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24APPLAUSE
0:30:24 > 0:30:27"This is your Christmas and birthday present.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30"Yes, it IS a turkey with 16 candles stuck in it."
0:30:34 > 0:30:36"We always have a goose here at Christmas.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37"I don't know why, really.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41"Its conversation is terrible and it shits all over the floor."
0:30:42 > 0:30:45"No, I will not calm down, Alfred. Did you hear what they were singing?
0:30:45 > 0:30:48" 'Jingle bells, Batman smells' "?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50"They're not the original lyrics!
0:30:50 > 0:30:53"They wrote that to hurt my feelings!"
0:30:53 > 0:30:54APPLAUSE
0:30:56 > 0:30:59"Yeah, a good tip for sprouts is to slice them very thinly,
0:30:59 > 0:31:01"drizzle them in olive oil,
0:31:01 > 0:31:03"throw them in the bin and drink a bottle of red wine."
0:31:03 > 0:31:06APPLAUSE
0:31:06 > 0:31:08"50 Shades Of Grey! Yes, I'm well good at charades.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10"Put your top back on, Nan."
0:31:14 > 0:31:17"Oh, I just wish that Monopoly lasted longer."
0:31:19 > 0:31:23Yeah, I said it! It's a shit game!
0:31:23 > 0:31:26"Yes, little Annabel, I did say we were going to see The Snowman,
0:31:26 > 0:31:28"but I should have explained The Snowman
0:31:28 > 0:31:29"is what I call my coke dealer."
0:31:33 > 0:31:35"What the fuck is eggnog?"
0:31:35 > 0:31:38APPLAUSE
0:31:40 > 0:31:45Boom, there you go. I'm sending out Christmas wishes to everybody!
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Christmas wishes! Take my Christmas wish in the head!
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Go on, take that!
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Oh, for God's sake,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55This is the least festive one of these we've ever done.