0:00:03 > 0:00:07# I read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:19# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Ed Gamble, Tiff Stevenson and Nish Kumar,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:52We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55On the board are six categories. Nish, which category would you like?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- I'll go for politics, Dara, because I'm a clever boy.- Lovely...
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Swot. OK.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- You're on the wrong show.- Yeah.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08OK, but let's give it a go, shall we?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Your category is politics.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13The answer is 4%. What is the question?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Is this the percentage of people who enjoyed a comedy gig I did
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- in Greenwich in December of last year?- We've all had those shows.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25I was at that and that was not 4%.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I didn't see it, but is it what are the chances of Johnny Depp
0:01:28 > 0:01:30appearing on the next series of Mr and Mrs?
0:01:32 > 0:01:37Is it how much of the old Top Gear audience has Chris Evans held on to?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Clarkson's in!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Is it by 2017, what proportion of celebrities will still be alive?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49AUDIENCE GROANS
0:01:49 > 0:01:53I know. Ooh! We're not the ones killing them!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Is it the amount of hair that Donald Trump has managed to
0:01:58 > 0:02:00spread across his entire head?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Is it what are Sepp Blatter's
0:02:07 > 0:02:11chances of going to heaven?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Is it despite claiming it's my favourite book, how much have I read
0:02:17 > 0:02:21of Nelson Mandela's Long Walk To Freedom?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I've nothing against Nelson Mandela,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27but he kind of gave away the ending in the title. It's kind of...
0:02:27 > 0:02:30You're kind of left in no doubt during the long Robben Island bits.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35What, you think it should have been called Locked Up - question mark?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Or Long Walk To Freedom?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Is it how deep is your love?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45That's not deep enough, is it? By the way...
0:02:45 > 0:02:49No, just speaking for all the ladies, 4% is not deep enough.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Duly noted.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Do you know what? I've never learned anything from this show,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57but there's a first time for anything, isn't there?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Is it what was the turnout
0:02:59 > 0:03:02at the Annual Conference of the Apathy Society?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05APPLAUSE
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- It's always tricky. - They were reportedly very happy.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I like the fact that round of applause
0:03:10 > 0:03:11was really half-arsed as well.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Is it how much of my foot
0:03:15 > 0:03:18could I fit into Josh Widdicombe's little shoes?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:23 > 0:03:25We can do it, man!
0:03:25 > 0:03:31- I'm actually a size nine. - Ladies.- Oh, nine!
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Yeah, children's, so I don't have to pay VAT on my shoes.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I'll have you know those are the exact plimsolls that Nelson Mandela
0:03:37 > 0:03:38wore on his long walk to freedom.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- Does anybody have the correct answer?- Yes.- Yes.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46How much of my Sunday paper wasn't about Muhammad Ali?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49APPLAUSE
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Oh, gotta love him.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56No, it's, in a recent poll,
0:03:56 > 0:04:01how much was the Leave campaign beating the Remain campaign?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04That's absolutely right. Thank you very much, Josh Widdicombe. Yes.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Yes, the question I was looking for is according to a recent poll,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12how far ahead is the Leave campaign in the European referendum?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14A recent YouGov poll showed that the Leave campaign
0:04:14 > 0:04:17is ahead by 4%, although there is no clear consensus.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21And a poll from ORB has shown that the Remain campaign is 1% ahead.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- It's an exciting campaign, though. Are we all enjoying it?- Loving it!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Some people say that the polls can't be trusted,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30which tells you how they're going to vote.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I don't know how you conduct a poll of this anyway,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35because surely you ring somebody's doorbell and you open it and then
0:04:35 > 0:04:38you go, "Are you in or out?" And they go, "Well, I'm clearly in."
0:04:39 > 0:04:43I think it's not had a great PR campaign behind it, has it?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Because Brexit is a terrible name.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49It sounds like cereal you have when you're constipated.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Even the rest of Europe's attitude to us,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53it feels a lot more like "Bruck Off" at the moment.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56When we were doing a series last year it wasn't Brexit.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- It was called Brixit this time last year.- Was that?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Which is another version of Brexit, which is also wrong,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03because it sounds like a type of Lego, or what
0:05:03 > 0:05:07the Greek finance minister does every time he sees Angela Merkel.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I think the problem for the Leave campaign is the people in charge.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Michael Gove, who looks like
0:05:13 > 0:05:16a kind of satirical cartoon of Michael Gove.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22One of the things he said at the weekend was,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24"We should say to Europe, 'You're fired!'"
0:05:24 > 0:05:27which is a catchphrase that is ten years old.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32He might as well go, "We should say to France, wassup?"
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- "Is that Angela Merkel? Schwing!" - "Don't leave me hanging, people!
0:05:35 > 0:05:40"Don't leave me hanging! Wassup? Yeah, wassup?" Yeah.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43He's not even the worst-looking, though, out of the pair,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47because Boris looks like a newly circumcised penis...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- with a wig on it. - With a wig on it.- Yeah.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Honestly, I'd be terrified if I was faced with Boris
0:05:52 > 0:05:55because he looks like the ghost of the Honey Monster.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Because when you've got Gove, Johnson and Farage,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04that isn't the leader of a campaign.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07That is the worst ever game of shag, marry, kill.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14It has been the most relentlessly negative, on both sides, campaign.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Genuinely. Very, very quick quiz. Do we stay or do we go, right?
0:06:18 > 0:06:23Do we remain or do we leave? Who threatened what, right?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Britain will be landed with a £2.4 billion bill.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Is it if we remain or if we leave?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29That's leave.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32No, that's if we remain, according to Boris Johnson.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Britain will lose three million jobs. If we remain or if we leave?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Leave.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Yep. That's what Remain said. The value of homes will drop by a fifth.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- If we remain or if we leave?- Oh, that was on Homes Under The Hammer.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:47There will be fewer curry chefs. If we remain or if we leave?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- Leave.- Remain.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50There will be fewer curry chefs.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Ah, curry, that famously European dish.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56You think it is if we leave?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58It's bad enough you stole our country, white people!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:01- Carry on.- Er, you say leave?
0:07:01 > 0:07:05It is if we remain, according to Priti Patel, of the Leave Campaign.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07They're being starved of high-quality chefs
0:07:07 > 0:07:10by immigration policy. It will cost each household £9,000 a year.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Remain or leave?- Remain said that.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Remain said that. You're right. Not Leave. Are you following all this?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18The only word I understood from that was curry. I've got no idea.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Even if the people go, the value of homes will drop by a fifth
0:07:23 > 0:07:25and then lots of people went, "Oh, great. That's good,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"because then people can afford to buy homes.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"All we hear about is people not being able to afford to buy homes."
0:07:30 > 0:07:33"No, it's a bad thing." "Oh, it's a bad thing now?
0:07:33 > 0:07:34"Oh, wait, yeah, is it a bad thing?"
0:07:34 > 0:07:36We don't even know if things are good or bad.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38One of the main worries for Brexit,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41one of the big fears they've got, is that Europe keeps on expanding.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43They keep on adding countries.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46And there is some, you know, there is some worry about that,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49because Australia came second in Eurovision.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:52I think the problem is,
0:07:52 > 0:07:57we've got this John Major having a go at Boris Johnson,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59which is a Blue On Blue, did they call that?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- Yeah.- I didn't understand what that was and I was going to
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Google it, but then I thought, "I don't know what kind of porn
0:08:06 > 0:08:09"I'm going to turn up." The last thing you want to do is go,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12"Oh, Antony Costa, you're better than that."
0:08:12 > 0:08:14It's Smurfs. It's The Magic Flute.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16What I mainly feel about it is that, basically,
0:08:16 > 0:08:21- we have got to make this last three weeks on this programme.- Yes.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24We can't use all these jokes now.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29This, effectively, for us, is tantric satire.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:37APPLAUSE
0:08:38 > 0:08:40There's a general kind of... I was in Europe last week.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- I was doing gigs in Brussels and Holland and...- Ooh!
0:08:43 > 0:08:47There's a genera... There's a general sense of, "Er, why?"
0:08:47 > 0:08:51They don't get it They're like, "What? Why are you..? Oh, OK."
0:08:51 > 0:08:52- What, your comedy?- Yeah. No.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:00 > 0:09:03They paid for their tickets, and that's it.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Apart from the man who came up to me in a chocolate shop in a Brussels
0:09:07 > 0:09:11train station and then said, "The weather is very good, isn't it?"
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I went, "Jesus, I'm in a spy movie!"
0:09:14 > 0:09:19"Oh, yes, but not when the rain falls, mmm?"
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"Meet me by the liqueurs."
0:09:22 > 0:09:23I think it's hard.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I find it difficult to find which I dislike more -
0:09:25 > 0:09:29whether it's the petty xenophobia of Nigel Farage...
0:09:29 > 0:09:30or the French.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Staying in Europe, what major European sporting event
0:09:37 > 0:09:39is starting this weekend?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Euro 2016.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43You're very excited, aren't you?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I'm very excited. It's the best thing ever.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:50You're so excited. But this is what happens every time.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54It's always the same. It's huge excitement, followed by
0:09:54 > 0:09:56inevitable limp disappointment.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58It is like Jerry Hall's wedding night.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03Even that photo, that photo of men getting on a plane.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- I've got goose bumps. - They're not getting ON, mate.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08They're getting on in the very wrong way.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10That's how bad our team is!
0:10:10 > 0:10:14It seems to me that that plane has got far too many stewards.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I don't know if you watched Alan Shearer's documentary,
0:10:20 > 0:10:24which said the best summer of our lives, 20 years ago, was 1996,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27when we reached the semifinals.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29That is how shit we are.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33We're doing documentaries about when we reach the semifinal.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Germany aren't doing that. They're not doing documentaries on things.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39They're not doing documentaries on the time they came second in a war.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Presumably, they DO do documentaries in Germany about the war.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51That was a large, historical event and there probably have been
0:10:51 > 0:10:53documentary-makers in Germany who have made it.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54But they just don't call it
0:10:54 > 0:10:56The Best Summer Of Our Lives.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Is the whole Brexit referendum campaign not missing a huge trick
0:11:04 > 0:11:08by referencing the Euros, because if you're fear-mongering people,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10fear-monger them about something they care about.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Like, they should just say, "Oh, if we leave, we won't be
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"invited to the Euros, any more." And then, people will be like,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17"Ha-ha! Oh! Oh, now I'm engaged!"
0:11:17 > 0:11:21I mean, England could be out by the 24th.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24They could be out in time to vote on the European Referendum.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26That's how low their confidence is.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28They haven't even registered for a postal vote.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32APPLAUSE
0:11:33 > 0:11:36OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Gary!
0:11:36 > 0:11:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Now, we play a round called I'm So Brexcited...
0:11:43 > 0:11:44And I Just Can't Hide It.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:49This game involves Nish and Gary,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I launch The Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59one of our performers steps forward and talks about that subject.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07The first subject is movies. Who wants to come in on that?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Nish.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10I'm a big movie fan
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and I'm very excited that there's going to be a new James Bond.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Now, my pick, personally, would be Idris Elba.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I think he'd be an amazing James Bond,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19but some people are very unhappy.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I was reading an article about this and the first comment under
0:12:22 > 0:12:25the article started with the words, "This is not a race thing."
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Which immediately makes you think, "This is definitely a race thing."
0:12:30 > 0:12:35This is not a race thing. It's just James Bond is not black.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Now, I've got terrible news for this person. James Bond is not real.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER
0:12:45 > 0:12:47He's not a real person. He's doesn't exist.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50If you're talking about fidelity to Ian Fleming's original character,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Daniel Craig has a smartphone and a laptop
0:12:52 > 0:12:54and in one of the Pierce Brosnan films he drove an invisible car.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57It might be a bit late for you to suddenly to become
0:12:57 > 0:13:00a stickler for canon. And the second comment started with the words,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03"This is political correctness gone mad.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07"This is the ethnic minority lobby getting their way again."
0:13:07 > 0:13:10And hey, we all know, if the ethnic minority lobby's been
0:13:10 > 0:13:13campaigning for anything, it is for a black James Bond.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:18People have been out in the streets. We want a black James Bond now.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20We don't care about police brutality,
0:13:20 > 0:13:25all we care about is 007 hashtag BlackBondsMatter.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27We'll settle for a Mexican, maybe.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30And who can forget the immortal words of Dr Martin Luther King?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33"I have a dream that one day a black man will play a fake spy."
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Thank you very much. Well done, Nish.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39APPLAUSE
0:13:41 > 0:13:42OK, that leaves us with Gary.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48OK, and the topic is work.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53LAUGHTER
0:13:53 > 0:13:54I nearly lost my job as a roofer
0:13:54 > 0:13:57when I was caught masturbating on the first day.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Yeah, luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER
0:14:05 > 0:14:06I used to work at Waterstones.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10One day a guy came in asking if we had any audio books with subtitles.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I thought, "Hang on, that's a book."
0:14:12 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:19The circus near me held a competition to find
0:14:19 > 0:14:21the best contortionist.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22So I entered myself and won.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:29In my old job, I just used to punch buttons all day
0:14:29 > 0:14:32and that's why I'm no longer allowed to work in panto.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I've got two lawyers working for me at the minute.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42One's pro bono, and the other thinks he's a right pretentious twat.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:47 > 0:14:50When my grandad was caught trying to stow away in the merchant navy,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53he offered to work his passage, which, as you can imagine,
0:14:53 > 0:14:54made him very popular.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I hate people who phone me up just to complain
0:15:00 > 0:15:03about the weather, which is why I lost my job at mountain rescue.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I was at a station the other day that had a piano on the platform,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13so I had a little tinkle on it, which saved me 30 pence.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I went on a positive thinking course - it was shit.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I bought a Microsoft advent calendar.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29If you open too many windows at once they all shut again
0:15:29 > 0:15:31for no bloody reason. Thank you.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Well done. Very good. I think points for both of you. Well done.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Come on, sit back down.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40APPLAUSE
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:15:46 > 0:15:49what is happening. What's going on here?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Is he saying, "Does anybody know how to read?"
0:15:53 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Is he saying, "You must be this white to enter the country?"
0:15:58 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Is it, er, "Donald Trump reveals list of women he would bang
0:16:08 > 0:16:10"if they weren't related to him"?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Is he saying, "I think my iPad is broken?"
0:16:14 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Can't get it off this window.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Is it, "Orangina announce product recall
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"after overdose danger is revealed?"
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Is anyone else alarmed by the fact that he's fading
0:16:28 > 0:16:30into that background?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34It's like a magic-eye picture that you don't want to decode.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Is it Donald Trump or has Top Gear
0:16:36 > 0:16:38really taken its toll on Chris Evans?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41LAUGHTER
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Is he saying, "There's been a terrible mistake,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"I've shampooed these documents and I've laminated my hair?"
0:16:46 > 0:16:48LAUGHTER
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Anyone else want to make a correct answer?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Oh, there's a correct answer? - No, there isn't, really.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Oh, right.- Well there is, but I think you all know what it is.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00- Is the correct answer is Donald Trump?- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02APPLAUSE
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Correct.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06This is a picture of Donald Trump holding a recent press
0:17:06 > 0:17:10conference at Trump Tower during his US presidential campaign.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Trump recently won enough delegates
0:17:12 > 0:17:15to secure the Republican Party's presidential nomination.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Meanwhile, this week, Hillary Clinton secured
0:17:17 > 0:17:19enough delegates to be named as the Democrat's candidate.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Are we enjoying Trump?
0:17:21 > 0:17:26He is like Silvio Berlusconi but for a country that matters.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29LAUGHTER
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- It's terrifying if you're like, not white or a woman.- Hello!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35It's... This end of the table, not keen.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Yeah, I'm great. I'm fine with him. - Yeah, we think he's great.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41We think he's fantastic, yeah. We're so pro the Donald.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45You know what I mean? Like, he stands for us, like.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Make Dara great again.
0:17:47 > 0:17:53OK, firstly, while I appreciate the sentiment, again, when did I...?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56When did I go through my lean years?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00His record with women is atrocious. The problem is, he's telling women
0:18:00 > 0:18:02what they should do with their wombs.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04And he came out and he said, "I think women should be punished
0:18:04 > 0:18:06"for having an abortion."
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I think his mum should be punished for not having one.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:16When you said, "His record with women is atrocious," I thought
0:18:16 > 0:18:19you were going to go, "He's only snogged three. What a loser."
0:18:19 > 0:18:24Yeah, what a loser you'd be if you'd only snogged three women.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29But the big issue with him is, because he's currently being sued
0:18:29 > 0:18:32over Trump University, which, I looked into this,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35and it's a place where people can go to become to asset managers,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38wealth creators or estate agents.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40So it's essentially Hogwarts for arseholes.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Imagine, imagine. I mean, it cost people loads of money to go there
0:18:45 > 0:18:47and that's why he's being sued, isn't it?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49But imagine, a university that charges you
0:18:49 > 0:18:51thousands of pounds to study there.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54We would never have a system like that.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Graduating from Trump University and then suing Trump University
0:18:57 > 0:19:01is the only way you can make any money from Trump University.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04It would be funny if the graduation
0:19:04 > 0:19:08involved you suing them, and they went, "Congratulations.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09"You're one of the clever ones.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11"You've learnt that this is entirely a scam."
0:19:11 > 0:19:14He keeps going on about building a wall,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18but, like, the idea that he wants the Mexicans to build the wall
0:19:18 > 0:19:20and pay for the wall...
0:19:20 > 0:19:23They should take him up on that and then just put a door in it.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- I tell you what they should do... - With a handle on their side.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Do you remember the BBC One Saturday night show Hole in The Wall?
0:19:31 > 0:19:32HE GASPS
0:19:32 > 0:19:35How much better... If they built the wall between America and Mexico
0:19:35 > 0:19:38but there was all shapes like that...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42..and Dale Winton stood on the border!
0:19:42 > 0:19:43I'd watch it.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Or that wall in Total Wipeout that used to have, like,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49punching hands that come out of it. That was brilliant.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- 4,000 miles of that.- They could just have those four balls.- Oh, my God.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55If they made all... LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:59all central... Like, you got into the country
0:19:59 > 0:20:02if you managed to actually get to the end.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05You'd have to start by standing up and going...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07HE SHOUTS
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I think the big advantage of him being elected president is finally
0:20:10 > 0:20:14we'd be able to laugh at Americans for reasons they'd understand.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16APPLAUSE
0:20:16 > 0:20:19What did the Bank of England unveil last week?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I think it was the new fiver, wasn't it?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Mmm. This is the new fiver, my friend.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- This is the new fiver.- Oh! - Oh, make it rain!- Oh, yeah.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Never thought of doing that. Oh, yeah, fiver.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- You're making it drizzle. - Hang on. That's it, isn't it?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34That's the motion. LAUGHTER
0:20:34 > 0:20:37These were lent to us by the bank for interesting satirical...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Not for me to go... HE SHOUTS
0:20:39 > 0:20:43That is literally the worst rap video of all time.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44You never see Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre
0:20:44 > 0:20:47fetching the money they've just thrown.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52Oh, honey, yeah. £30.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Does it make your dreams come true?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58This would be terrible. Cos they're plasticky and clear
0:20:58 > 0:21:00and see-through - they're polymer notes -
0:21:00 > 0:21:03which means you could actually go and say, "I can see you.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05"I can see you through some money."
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Imagine that at the cashier.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09"I can see you. I can see...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11"Just pay for the condoms and leave."
0:21:11 > 0:21:14The testing that they put them through, they said they dipped it
0:21:14 > 0:21:16in tea for, you know, all those times
0:21:16 > 0:21:19you mistake a fiver for a Hobnob.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I often do that when I'm taunting younger comedians.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"Oh, really? I eat my fivers."
0:21:26 > 0:21:30It could be they realised the recession was caused by people
0:21:30 > 0:21:33leaving fivers in their jean pockets and putting them in the wash.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38Fivers only last... They rarely last five years, a five-pound note.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Bloody hell, you're thrifty, aren't you?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45I could make a fiver.... I can't even make it last five years.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49I mean, honestly. Cost of living. APPLAUSE
0:21:49 > 0:21:52This is the most I've ever been paid for this show.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- You can't rip it, can you? - It's very difficult to tear.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Awful news for magicians.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59They're going to be so irritated.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01They'll go, "I shall make it. HE MAKES SPRINGING SOUND
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Oh, come on.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Sign it for me. Oh, is it here? HE MAKES SPRINGING SOUND
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Oh, come on! Bloody fivers.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- I like that the... - Have you ripped the new notes
0:22:10 > 0:22:13given to us by the Bank of England specially?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Have you literally torn...? Oh, for goodness' sake.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Well, they should have made more of an effort to make it stronger.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23APPLAUSE
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Back to the drawing board, guys.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Can I ask if that's actually allowed?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Because one newspaper went mad about the fact that you were
0:22:30 > 0:22:32defacing the Queen and then they said,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34"Of all the indignities Churchill has suffered,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37being scrunched up, dipped in tea and Ribena is the worst."
0:22:37 > 0:22:40And I was like, "Surely it's the nodding dog commercial?"
0:22:40 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Is that less dignified.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- IMITATING CHURCHILL THE DOG: - Oh, yes.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50IMITATING CHURCHILL THE DOG: We shall fight them on the beaches. HE BARKS
0:22:50 > 0:22:52So those are the fivers, yes. Please, if you can.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Guys, bad news. I lost mine.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57LAUGHTER
0:22:58 > 0:23:03OK. What unusual thing has been found in a forest in Bulgaria?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- It's a tree that looks like a man. - It's a tree that looks...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Well, they say it looks like a man.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10This is the tree in a forest in Bulgaria. That doesn't...
0:23:10 > 0:23:14It looks like Tim Burton's made a film about the life of Peter Crouch.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20I've just found another use for the notes because you can make a tiny...
0:23:20 > 0:23:22No, I don't think you should do that in public, Dara.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- That's more of a backstage thing, all right? - LAUGHTER
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I just mean you can make a tiny...telescope out of it.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- APPLAUSE - I know, yes, they're smaller notes,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33so the gap between the snort and the high will be shorter.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35But also, like, if you... HE MAKES SPRINING SOUND
0:23:35 > 0:23:39They go back... "Oh, this? No, officer, I wasn't."
0:23:39 > 0:23:41It took me so long that they were accusing you of smelling...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Smelling cocaine!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I don't really, I just enjoy the bouquet.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You smell before, you swill it round a little
0:23:51 > 0:23:55and then you just take a little bit and then sneeze it back out again.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59That's if you had a cocaine tasting.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03"Have you tried this cocaine? Mmm."
0:24:03 > 0:24:06There'd be just, like, a bucket and...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08It's not the only tree.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10It looks freaky and sinister, but there have been plenty of trees.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13This is a tree that looks like a human being.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- If you're wondering what... - That doesn't look...
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- How does that look like a human being?- I will show you exactly how to looks like human being.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Look, there he goes.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24APPLAUSE
0:24:24 > 0:24:27OK, at the end of that round the points go to Nish, Tiff and Ed!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30APPLAUSE
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:24:37 > 0:24:38I'll read out this week's topics
0:24:38 > 0:24:41and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42OK, here we go.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45The first subject is...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Mr Muscle - loves the jobs you hate.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Apart from blow jobs.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55He doesn't do blow jobs.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56BUZZER
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I used to wash with Dove.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04But the feathers came off and the beak was scratchy.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06BUZZER
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Peperami - it's a bit of an animal.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I'm guessing the anus.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16BUZZER
0:25:19 > 0:25:24Four hoofmarks and a large pile of poo.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26That's the sign of the Black Horse.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30BUZZER
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Megabus - the only bus company endorsed by Dara O Briain.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- CHEERING - Sorry. Had to.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Lynx - for when you want to smell like a virgin.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50BUZZER
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Are your pets so wonderful that they're actually tiring you out?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Have a break. Have a shit cat.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00BUZZER
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Tesco penis extensions.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Because every little helps.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08BUZZER
0:26:10 > 0:26:13At Debenhams, we've kidnapped the John Lewis penguin.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17And if you don't shop with us, we'll kill him.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21BUZZER
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Pedi Egg.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- NORTHERN ACCENT:- Collects foot shavings like a bastard.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30BUZZER
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Abbey has strong teeth, boundless energy and a shiny coat.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37She's the best prostitute in London.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40BUZZER
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Berocca - start the day the right way.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46With luminous piss.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50BUZZER
0:26:50 > 0:26:53There's a now a free gift at the bottom of every box of Frosties.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Type 2 diabetes.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58BUZZER
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Uncle Tom's rice.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Like Uncle Ben's, but a bit more racist.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06BUZZER
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Crack-flavoured Pringles.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Once you pop, you really can't stop.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15BUZZER
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Have you been in an accident that wasn't your fault?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Ahhh! Bad luck!
0:27:21 > 0:27:22BUZZER
0:27:24 > 0:27:26OK, the next topic is...
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Welcome to the Jeremy Hunt Wing.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37APPLAUSE
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Of course the influence of private companies hasn't affected the NHS.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Just ask my colleague, Dr Pepper.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51BUZZER
0:27:51 > 0:27:53And your cancer specialist today is...
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Noel Edmonds.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00BUZZER
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Don't worry, Mr Thomas.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04You won't be on that trolley in the corridor for much longer.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06We're taking it back to Tesco to get our pound back.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10BUZZER
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I'm afraid we're going to have to pull the plug
0:28:14 > 0:28:17because it's wedged really high up there.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18BUZZER
0:28:21 > 0:28:24He's gone into cardiac arrest. Get the defiblulator...
0:28:24 > 0:28:25The defripulator...
0:28:25 > 0:28:28The defrobul... Oh, it's too late. He's dead.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30BUZZER
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Yeah, I know, I spoke to the person from NHS 111,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34and they were just really helpful.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37BUZZER
0:28:38 > 0:28:40The good news is, your father is comfortable.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43In fact, I've been sitting on him all morning.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44BUZZER
0:28:47 > 0:28:50OK, let's call the time of death at 4.15.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52He's not dead yet, but it's a Friday,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54and if we leave now, we can beat the traffic.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57BUZZER
0:28:59 > 0:29:02For goodness' sake, Mr Wallace, please take your penis out of there.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05That's not what "organ donor" means.
0:29:05 > 0:29:06BUZZER
0:29:08 > 0:29:11This is the discussion group for people who've broken bones.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Welcome to Snapchat.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16BUZZER
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Now, we're going to need to put you to sleep,
0:29:19 > 0:29:23so I've got two tickets to see Dara O Briain live in Belgium.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27CHEERING
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Is this Admissions? Good, cos I've got one.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33I shagged your wife.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35BUZZER
0:29:37 > 0:29:40The good news is, we're ready to take you into theatre.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43The bad news is, it's a theatre in Brussels.
0:29:45 > 0:29:46BUZZER
0:29:48 > 0:29:50OK, we need to shock him.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Stick your finger up his arse.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55BUZZER
0:29:56 > 0:29:58We've given your wife gas and air.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02And by that, I mean I farted and the nurse opened a window.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04BUZZER
0:30:04 > 0:30:08At the end of that, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Gary.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11CHEERING
0:30:14 > 0:30:17That's the end of the show. This week's winners are...
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23CHEERING
0:30:23 > 0:30:27Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Tiff Stevenson and Nish Kumar.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29CHEERING
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:42 > 0:30:45# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:47 > 0:30:50# Read all about it
0:30:50 > 0:30:52# Read all about it
0:30:52 > 0:30:55# News of the world News of the world. #