0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:15# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:33# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Josh Widdicombe,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Zoe Lyons and Nish Kumar.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:52We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I show the panel a topical image
0:00:54 > 0:00:57and ask them to tell me what's happening. So, what's going on here?
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Is it the only couple that Ed balls would beat on Strictly?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04LAUGHTER
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Is he saying, "Please, join me, Owen, on my Cabinet. I'm so lonely."
0:01:08 > 0:01:10LAUGHTER
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I imagine Jeremy Corbyn is just going, "I did warn you,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16"Owen, if you strike me down,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20"I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Is Corbyn saying, "When I get home,
0:01:24 > 0:01:27"I'm going to make a lovely red "tie" curry?"
0:01:27 > 0:01:29LAUGHTER
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I don't think he's saying anything.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I think he's just looking at him going...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Argh-h-h!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43He's asking him, "Will you book my train tickets for me?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45"I think I'm on a blacklist."
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Channel 4 have decided things couldn't get any worse,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57so they've booked these two to present Bake Off.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Is Corbyn saying, "Stay calm, stay calm.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05"No need to explode... As I said to the Hezbollah."
0:02:09 > 0:02:12No, he saying to him, "I'd give it a few minutes if I was you.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"I've just had another good purge."
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Anyone know what it actually is?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Well, I think we all know what it actually is.- Yes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23That's journey Corbyn commiserating, sort of,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27with Owen Smith after Jeremy Corbyn wins the Labour leadership.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30It is, of course. Thank you very much, Hugh. Very good.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Yes, it's the picture of the leader of the
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, and his defeated opponent in the leadership
0:02:38 > 0:02:41election Owen Smith at the Labour Party conference this week.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Corbyn was unveiled as leader,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45after being re-elected with nearly 62% of the vote.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48So, he won it very easily and he did very well,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50but at the same time, that may not translate into anything
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- in terms of winning a general election.- No.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I mean, it's not going to translate into having a cabinet either, is it?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59A shadow cabinet. He's going to have to do a shadow cabinet like,
0:02:59 > 0:03:04you know Macauley Culkin in Home Alone with the shadows?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06It's going to be a literal shadow cabinet.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12"What was that, mannequin for defence?"
0:03:12 > 0:03:14You've got to admire the Labour Party's ability to see the
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Conservatives in chaos and respond like this...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20"You call that political disarray?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24"Sit down, let the professionals show you how it's done.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27"We'll see your chaos and raise you a botched coup that involves
0:03:27 > 0:03:31"our deputy leader having to be called home early from Glastonbury."
0:03:31 > 0:03:34But he is incredible in that he can gather so many people together in
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- a rally.- Absolutely.- And they see him as a Messiah,
0:03:36 > 0:03:40in the same way he probably will be crucified in the next election.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48It's some statistic like they're the largest political party in
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Europe or something at the moment. The largest amount of members.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I mean, he rode in on a huge wave of success.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57It should translate across and yet, I don't mean to attack him,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00it feels like winning the technical challenge in Bake Off.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05- Oh, stop angling for the job! - I'm just saying. I'm just saying.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Can I interject here? Can I interject here?
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Has anybody on this stage won the technical challenge in Bake Off?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Yes! Yes.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19CHEERING
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- What did you have to make? - Lemon meringue pie, bitches!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28OK, two things - firstly, you were doing great on,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"I won the technical challenge in Bake Off until you said the words,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- "Lemon meringue pie." - Bitches!
0:04:33 > 0:04:37No! That's just a cake. That's not a technical...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39A technical challenge is some 17th-century strudel.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Lemon meringue pie is not an easy technical bake.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43In fact, Paul Hollywood even said...
0:04:43 > 0:04:46He looked at mine and said, "I bet I'm going to cut right into that.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"And all the meringue is going to pour out of it." Did it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Did it buggery!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER OK, while you killed my metaphor,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55which was actually going to be really nice. Tell us instead...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I didn't mean to kill your metaphor.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I merely meant to point out that I am more qualified
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- to wield it than you are, that's all.- No, no, no. I give you that.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Tell us about your show...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06This is actually turning into the Labour Party conference.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Tell us about your show-stopper, Ed. How did that go?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- How did your show-stopper go? - It didn't go well.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Didn't go well, didn't it?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Carrot cake and it was raw in the middle.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19And then you just threw icing at it like you were trying to smother it.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23You're slagging, but I like the fact that you watched.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Oh, I watched.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31What did Corbyn say about the MPs who has...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33He said he had wiped the slate clean.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Probably with their own faces.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38He will have them back. There'll be no hard feelings.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42He said most would not get deselected.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Which is not the most reassuring way of putting that.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48If a doctor says, "We can save most of you."
0:05:48 > 0:05:51There is still an element of this hasn't gone well, somehow,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55and I'm down a limb or two at the end of this particular interaction.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57You can't trust the Labour Party anyway.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00At the beginning of conference they always sing the song
0:06:00 > 0:06:02We Will Keep The Red Flag Flying.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05If they get into power, that means no-one can go swimming.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Is it 600,000 followers?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I think they're members, I don't think they're followers, are they?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Necessarily.- I'm sorry. - That's Christ you're thinking of.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- And I think that's 12, as well. - Yeah.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- Did you see the book of poetry? - Yes.- It was lovely.- Oh, yeah.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Oh, it was lovely. It was very, very lovely, yes.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Labour supporters released a book of poems for Jeremy Corbyn.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Michael Deacon from the Telegraph tweeted about.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Corbyn isn't even a good word to rhyme with,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38unless most of the poems are about dorbyn.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Or get my J cloth, do some absorbing.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43They're your two options, really.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48If it was Jeremy Hunt, we'd all have
0:06:48 > 0:06:50a big laugh and it would be fun.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Let's deal with that now and move on.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Don't you think Corbyn sounds better?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58You've got the green bin for glass. And you've got the black bin.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02You've got the Cor-bin for recycled old ideas from the 1970s.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05APPLAUSE
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Typical BBC.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Moving on.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15What criticisms has Theresa May faced this week?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19She's having to change her name depending on which month we're in.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- She's a submarine. - Yes, why is she a submarine?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25That was her nickname apparently,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29an unkind nickname they gave her, because she has a tendency to
0:07:29 > 0:07:32disappear under the water when difficult issues come up.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35It's, sort of, a kind of a cool nickname as well, though, isn't it?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37It's kind of like, "Oh, they chose a nickname for me."
0:07:37 > 0:07:40It's really like the nickname you'd pick for yourself.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"They call me the submarine. Ping!"
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Disappear under the table.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48The joke about submarines is never that they disappear all the time.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50It's that they're full of "semen".
0:07:51 > 0:07:54It's such a weird...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Isn't it?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Enough. No. Don't, don't.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Don't broadcast that.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Please!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05We all saw that one and didn't go for it and he,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09the classiest one among us, went for that joke, all right?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- But that's because it's... - I appeal to your better...
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Man in the editing suite, I appeal to your better nature.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Submarines don't disappear, do they?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- That's not what you associate with submarines.- Well, they don't.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I think they don't, yeah. The pop-up eventually
0:08:22 > 0:08:24and you know where they are, right? That's the point of a...
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Yes. They're heavily armed and they pop-up unexpectedly.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30If that was the case that they were having meetings and then
0:08:30 > 0:08:35unexpectedly she'd like, "Hello!" From underneath the desk, "Hello!"
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"Argh! Stop doing that!"
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"Run silent, run deep."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43And then she goes back under the desk again.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Also, nicknames don't always have to be accurate.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49When I was at school, my nickname was NK47 and my first e-mail
0:08:49 > 0:08:52address was thechocolatebombshell@hotmail.com.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Still active.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57You absolute... You're such a loser. Hotmail?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03All right, Mr Ask Jeeves.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Why is Sam Allardyce England's greatest manager?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10He managed England for one match and he won it,
0:09:10 > 0:09:14so he's the only England manager who's ever had a 100% record.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17100% winning record. He will be fondly remembered.
0:09:17 > 0:09:23Yes, as we all know, Sam Allardyce departed his job after a 100%
0:09:23 > 0:09:27record on Tuesday, leaving the FA with mutual consent after an event.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29What was the event?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Has he gone to the event dressed as you, Dara?- Oh!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34That's not meant in a nice way.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:35 > 0:09:38On the one hand, I feel that's very unfair to pick on somebody for
0:09:38 > 0:09:41having a dark jacket and a white shirt,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44but the shit I got last time for having a waistcoat - have at him!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47This photo of Allardyce was taken by the Telegraph's undercover
0:09:47 > 0:09:49journalists.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Could you not have gotten a better photograph of him?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- That one is very grainy. - That is him at the table.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56He's got a pint of wine.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Everyone loves the idea that he went,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"Yeah, I'll have a...just a pint of wine.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04"Not too much, because I don't want to speak out of turn perhaps
0:10:04 > 0:10:07"for these words to be used against me at some stage,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"but all I ask is that you bring me to a restaurant where I can
0:10:10 > 0:10:15"drink a pint of wine and eat the largest Malteser in the world.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19"Just leave it slightly, slightly out of reach during the meal.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"I want a Malteser as big as my head.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24"And I will finish the meal with that."
0:10:24 > 0:10:26England now need a manager that is going to stay, don't they?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29As we've been through a few, haven't we, over the years?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31We need somebody with staying power and who's popular,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34so it is time for Jeremy Corbyn become the England manager.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Don't you think? Bringing the game back to its roots.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Let the members vote. Let the members vote! That's the Corbyn way.
0:10:40 > 0:10:4411 left-wingers. The world's worst formation.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47At the end of that round, the points go to -
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Ed, Hugh and Milton!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51CHEERING
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Now, we play a round called There's A Labour Party In My Pants
0:10:55 > 0:10:58And Everyone's Invited.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00This game involves Nish and Milton,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10one of our performers must step forward and talk about the subject.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15And the first topic is Health. He wants to come in on that?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Nish.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I had a bit of a health emergency last year.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I was doing the washing up and I cut my hand.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I was washing up and I pushed my hand into a glass.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26The glass shattered and it slashed my hand here
0:11:26 > 0:11:27and I had to go to hospital.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Let me tell you this, the NHS staff were incredible.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32They were really nice to me, they were really sweet.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33One of them called me a brave boy.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- LAUGHTER - Which is good, cos I was being one,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38so I don't know what you're laughing at.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I'm the one with the badge. Anyway.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Before I did that, I did something which I probably regret doing.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I called NHS 111.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Now, if you don't know what this service is,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52it's a service the Government has brought in to replace NHS Direct.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54If you have a non-life-threatening emergency,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56you are supposed to dial 111 on your phones.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Now, I'm sure that these people are very nice,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01but based on my experience, they have proportionately less skill
0:12:01 > 0:12:04than their numerical value compared to 999.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Because it was the blind leading the blind.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10At one point she said, "How is the blood?" And I said, "Red,"
0:12:10 > 0:12:14cos I've no idea. Then she said, "Is there a lot of blood?"
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I said, "Yes," because there was a lot of blood.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18She said, "Is there enough to fill a mug?"
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I said, "I've got no idea. I don't wish to brag,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24"I've got a lot of different mug sizes in my house."
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Also, while this was happening, I was just panicking.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I wasn't decanting the blood in the hope it would be poured back
0:12:29 > 0:12:32into my body at a later date.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Then she said, "Is the blood flowing or oozing?"
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I said, "I've no idea what the difference is between those two
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"things is." And she said, "Oh, there's a difference."
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I was like, "I'm not getting into a semantic debate with you
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"while blood is gushing out of my hand."
0:12:45 > 0:12:48As she just went, "Gushing, thank you very much."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Well done, Nish Kumar.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54OK, that leaves us with Milton.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Let's see what you've been left with.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58And the topic is Transport.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04When I was at school, my bike was smashed up.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07It was my own fault, really, I just handed out leaflets saying,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"Bullying, let's break the cycle."
0:13:09 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"We've been over this again and again and again,"
0:13:15 > 0:13:19said my driving instructor, pointing to the badger.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Apparently there is actually a road in the north of England
0:13:27 > 0:13:28called Quality Street.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31There's only one person living in it and he's both Turkish
0:13:31 > 0:13:33and delightful.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Tricky, isn't it,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40if you're both a moth and a sea captain?
0:13:42 > 0:13:49In charge of a ship, but up ahead you see a lighthouse.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51LAUGHTER
0:13:55 > 0:13:58You know you shouldn't...
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Toilets in trains are rubbish, aren't they?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Especially the one right at the front.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08The bloke in there gets so cross.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15At the end of that round, the points go to Nish Kumar!
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Come on back.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25On the board are six categories.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Nish, which category would you like?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- World News, please. - OK, World News it is.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33The answer is 40 days. What is the question?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Is that the number of consecutive days my mother has texted
0:14:35 > 0:14:38me saying, "Have you had a haircut?"
0:14:38 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER
0:14:40 > 0:14:45How long is it till the next Labour leadership election?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Is it how old was my pet ant when he had his midlife crisis?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Is it how long did it take Joey Essex to read
0:14:53 > 0:14:56The Hungry Caterpillar?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Is it how long does it take to go, "She loves me, she loves me not,"
0:15:01 > 0:15:04round the whole of the Chelsea Flower Show?
0:15:07 > 0:15:12Is it once he's elected, how many days will there be in Trump-tember?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I got this month. It's a beautiful month.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- It's a really, it's a great man. - Best month. Best month.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Best month you've ever seen.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28It's going to be such a beautiful month. It's going to be great.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Is it how long was I in a hotel room when I put the do disturb sign
0:15:31 > 0:15:33on the wrong side of the door?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Is it how long would Jeremy Hunt have to wait for in A&E
0:15:41 > 0:15:43before being seen?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Is it if I have a pickled onion Monster Munch,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50how long will it be in my burps?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Anyone know what the actual answer is?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Is it when they hacked Hilary's e-mails,
0:15:59 > 0:16:04how long did they spend just wading through Bill Clinton's porn stash?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Is it how many days until the American election?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11It is, absolutely right. Thank you very much, Nish Kumar.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Classic nerd.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Yes, the question I was looking for is,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19how long until the US presidential election?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23In a bitter campaign, the two most disliked candidates in 30 years
0:16:23 > 0:16:26are vying to become the 45th President of the United States.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28This week was the first Presidential debate. Did any of you see it?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- See much of it?- Not many people watched it here,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33but it gets massive figures in America, doesn't it?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Yeah, well, in America,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37they don't put it on at two o'clock in the morning.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- See, that's the genius. - Yes, that's how it works.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47That's the old American can-do spirit, you know what I mean?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50They are clever at the stuff, the Americans.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- It got 100 million views. - 100 million, 100 million.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Channel 4 have bought the format, cos they're so excited about it.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00It was a weird atmosphere, cos it looked like Hillary Clinton was
0:17:00 > 0:17:03trying to invoke the great Presidential debates like
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Kennedy versus Nixon and Reagan versus Carter,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08whereas Donald Trump sort of reminded me of
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Batman versus Superman in that he was loud,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12incoherent and managed to be disappointing
0:17:12 > 0:17:14despite expectations being unbelievably low.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:19He had a terrible problem with the moderator, though, didn't he?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21You didn't like the moderator subsequently.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Well, the moderator would say things like,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- "No, that's not true, actually." - He's got a perfect plan
0:17:25 > 0:17:27for dealing with the moderator. At the next debate,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30he's going to build a wall between him and the moderator.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33And the moderator is paying for the wall.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35LAUGHTER
0:17:35 > 0:17:38The other mistake that Trump makes is that he's read somewhere that
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Mexicans make good fighters, but it's actually pronounced fajitas.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- Do you know how often he lied in a 90-minute debate?- Was is 37 times?
0:17:49 > 0:17:54- 34 lies.- Oh, I'm doing him a terrible disservice.- You are.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56You make him sound like he's a big liar!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58He lied 34 times. She lied four times in total.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00She did the first lie, cos she came out and said,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"It's a pleasure to be here talking to you."
0:18:02 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Trump clearly has no idea about how the political systems in the
0:18:08 > 0:18:11world work, which is why I won't be voting for him.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:17In other news,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20what are the latest developments in the Great British Bake Off saga?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Well, seemingly it's going to be hosted by someone who's not
0:18:22 > 0:18:24even from Britain, isn't it, Dara?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Why...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Why are the crown jewels of this country being handed to immigrants?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34LAUGHTER
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I looked at the odds. You're both on it, Ed and Dara.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Do you know what I'm betting on? Not even on the list.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Can't believe he's not in the mix. Mr Kipling.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:47He's been for, like, seven years sitting at home with a fag,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51saying to his missus, going, "I'd nail this."
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I would do this exceedingly well, I would.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:19:00APPLAUSE
0:19:01 > 0:19:04No offense to you, Dara, but I would like Ed to host it,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- because he seems to know a lot about caking and also...- About caking?
0:19:07 > 0:19:08I believe it's caking.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- That's the industry term.- Amongst people who know, that is the term.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Caking sounds like an urban slang word for something that sort
0:19:19 > 0:19:21of came after dogging or something, didn't it?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Yeah, a Tory MP's been caught caking in Hammersmith.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27In a tent, as well!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30But also it'll be reassuring because you look like an exact
0:19:30 > 0:19:32combination of Mel and Sue.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35LAUGHTER
0:19:35 > 0:19:38APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:46 > 0:19:48That is the best thing.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Apparently, Channel 4 wanted the show because they heard the
0:19:52 > 0:19:55BBC had made a massive turnover.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58LAUGHTER
0:19:58 > 0:20:01APPLAUSE
0:20:03 > 0:20:07I've got beef with Paul Hollywood because when I was voted the
0:20:07 > 0:20:09second worst-dressed man in Britain,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Paul Hollywood was voted number one.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I met Paul Hollywood and he said, "Oh, it's unfair us being the
0:20:16 > 0:20:18"top two," and I felt like going, "Well, for me it is.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20"You're a mess, mate."
0:20:20 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Bootcut jeans with the cuffs turn over? Come on, mate. Have a word.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Do you know what they described my style as?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30An update on Bilbo Baggins.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33LAUGHTER
0:20:33 > 0:20:35APPLAUSE
0:20:37 > 0:20:39What they've done here, though... They seem to...
0:20:39 > 0:20:40If this is the new show,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Mary Berry seems to have been replaced by a double oven.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:50APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Like one of those robots from an add for mashed potato and the
0:20:56 > 0:20:58door opens.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"What are you doing now, Paul?"
0:21:01 > 0:21:03What do you think, Berrytron5000?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:08There's currently an office somewhere in the BBC where
0:21:08 > 0:21:12people are just writing down locations and other words for cakes.
0:21:12 > 0:21:18"In, er, Mary Berry's Aircraft Hanger of Puddings?"
0:21:18 > 0:21:20They're not allowed to do it, though, are they?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23There's a thing about how they might not be able to do it,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25cos it will infringe copyright and all the rest of it.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27How do you pick a copyright?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28It's just the cookery principle, isn't it?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30They're using the leftovers. It's fine.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33The BBC have got to do distinctive programming that's not on
0:21:33 > 0:21:36other channels, but what about the news?
0:21:38 > 0:21:42I hear that Channel 4 have a show where six people and
0:21:42 > 0:21:46a host talk about the news and events and try and make it funny.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Same show! That's disgraceful!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53All right, don't blow the gaffe.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58And they don't have to be saddled with women and minorities.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:04APPLAUSE
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Careful.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08We're getting a lot of murmuring from token corner over there.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:12 > 0:22:15OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Nish, Zoe and Josh.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19CHEERING
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25so if everyone could make their way over to the performance area?
0:22:25 > 0:22:26I'll read out this week's topics,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31OK, here we go.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32The first subject is...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Unlikely small ads.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- Hello. My name's Ads.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40LAUGHTER
0:22:40 > 0:22:41BUZZER
0:22:42 > 0:22:46For sale, one tent. Please contact the BBC.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Genuine single man looking for a relationship. Call this number.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57If my wife answers, hang up.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:01BUZZER
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Free to good home. Fucking printer.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:11BUZZER
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Phone to hear my talk about how I became obese.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20888, 8888.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:23BUZZER
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Rubbish collection services. Yep, we are genuinely shit at it.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:32BUZZER
0:23:33 > 0:23:34I saw you on the tube.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37You were wearing the pink sweater with your hair pulled back.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39I had my cock and balls out.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:43BUZZER
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Do you want a hard-working plumber for a reasonable rate?
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Then you shouldn't have voted for Brexit.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:53BUZZER
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Learn English on Owner Home. Good examplings. Quick books.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Disbelievable price!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03You buy!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:07BUZZER
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Applications are now open for the Donald Trump school of
0:24:10 > 0:24:11talking to women.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Because those bitches are not going to interrupt themselves.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:17BUZZER
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Wanted. The internet.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22As I seem to be the only person in the whole bloody world
0:24:22 > 0:24:23still using the small ads.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25LAUGHTER
0:24:25 > 0:24:26BUZZER
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Have you lost a ginger cat?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Check the top of Donald Trump's head.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:34BUZZER
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Phone to hear my talk about my reaction to eating
0:24:39 > 0:24:41a South African bishop.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43000 00
0:24:43 > 0:24:45822.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:52APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Respectful middle aged lady would like to meet gentleman for
0:24:55 > 0:24:58cosy nights in, country walks, theatre visits,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00and occasional eye-popping anal.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03APPLAUSE
0:25:05 > 0:25:07OK.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Next topic is...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13..things you wouldn't hear on a TV cookery show.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Hi.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I'm Nigella Lawson, and before I bake any cake,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I like to chop my flour into lines.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:27BUZZER
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I can see that's rising nicely...
0:25:32 > 0:25:34..it does that every time I think about how much money
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Channel 4 are going to pay me.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:39BUZZER
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Hello and welcome to Can't Cook, Won't Cook.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Today we won't be making anything.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Goodbye.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49BUZZER
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Coming up next on Saturday Kitchen,
0:25:54 > 0:25:55whatever we want,
0:25:55 > 0:25:59because we know you're too hungover to change the channel.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00BUZZER
0:26:02 > 0:26:04This is a hotpot.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- SCREAMS:- This is a fucking hot pot!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:10BUZZER
0:26:13 > 0:26:16So if you want to bone a chicken, what you need to do,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18take it on a couple of dates and then...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21..invite it back,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23put on some romantic music and let nature take its course.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER BUZZER
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- DRUNKENLY:- There is, er, there is a bit of a problem on this week's Food
0:26:29 > 0:26:31and Drink.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I've finished all of it!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:37BUZZER
0:26:39 > 0:26:42This is a Thai chicken curry, or as I like to call it,
0:26:42 > 0:26:43hot Asian cock.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:48BUZZER
0:26:50 > 0:26:53OK, Sam. Let's see what you've brought in your bag of ingredients.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57It is a pint of wine and a large Malteser.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59LAUGHTER
0:26:59 > 0:27:01BUZZER
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Right, welcome to Southern Cooking for Northerners. First up - quinoa.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08What is it and why it can fuck off.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:12BUZZER
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Well, if you're going to pop it in, don't forget to cover it first.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I didn't, and that's why I'm making paternity payments.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:24BUZZER
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Hello.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I'm Greg Wallace and this series of Masterchef,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29we won't be using plates.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31We'll just be eating off my shiny, shiny head.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:34BUZZER
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Hello. Nigella Lawson here again.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42I'm just going to say the word spatchcock for no reason.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Spatchcock.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45LAUGHTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:46BUZZER
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Anyone can make this.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51You can't, Beatrice.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Sorry, you can't beat rice.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:28:00APPLAUSE
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Let's just all go home.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Let's just go home.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Welcome...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Welcome to Great Indian Bake-off.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I'm Paul Bollywood.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18LAUGHTER
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Hello. I'm Jamie Oliver.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Welcome to my show, stick a bit of fucking sugar in it!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29LAUGHTER
0:28:29 > 0:28:33OK. At the end of that round, the points go to Nish, Zoe and Josh.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36CHEERING
0:28:40 > 0:28:41That's the end of the show.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43This week's winners are Josh Widdicombe, Zoe Lyons and
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Nish Kumar.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48CHEERING
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Commiserations to Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54CHEERING
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.