0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world! #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O Briain, joining me this week are John Robins,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Sara Pascoe, Rob Beckett, Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54I show the panel a topical image
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58So, what's going on here?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00She presumably is saying to him,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03"You had one job, you had just one job.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05"Pack my socks."
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Is that Bruce Lee and Woody Allen win fancy dress competition?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Which one's which? - Who knows? Who knows?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Is he saying, "It was your job to look after the handcuff keys"?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Is it, is this Kim and Kanye enter witness protection?
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Could be something much nicer?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Maybe she's saying something like, "See? It's all right if we
0:01:39 > 0:01:42"go into work together. No-one will make fun of you.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- "And no-one has made fun of you, have they?"- Not yet, they haven't.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Well, we've sort of being doing that for about...
0:01:47 > 0:01:50It's Bring Your Partner To Work Day and Sara's brought John.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55It's something of a historical thing for the show, we've never had...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- ..a couple. - They got together just now.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Obviously, things have smouldered within the show at different times
0:02:06 > 0:02:09but genuinely a couple and that's a tension
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- which is best out there, I think. - Yes.- At this stage, yes.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- I'm glad you all know. - How long have you been together? - Three and a half years.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I really hope it lasts cos otherwise, there's going to be
0:02:17 > 0:02:20some depressing evenings in a few years' time when you turn on Dave.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25This is, hands down, the most brutal way
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I've ever been dumped ever, Sara.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Er, OK, the picture?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I don't wish to state the obvious but,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38it is Postman Pat and Mrs Goggins getting ready to fuck shit up.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Is this when you buy your wife anal beads
0:02:44 > 0:02:45and she mistakes it for a necklace?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Ooh, ooh!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I can't believe so many pearl necklace jokes and yet
0:02:53 > 0:02:55you've gone for anal beads.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- Does anyone have the correct answer?- So, it's Theresa May.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Yes.- And it's her husband, Philip. - Yes.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05And so, is this about the Tory Conference?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Absolutely, thank you very much, Sara Pascoe, very good.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Yes!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16This exciting picture is of Theresa May and her husband Philip,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18looking coquettish and darling,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21at the Conservative Conference in Birmingham earlier this week.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23The four-day conference was Theresa May's first
0:03:23 > 0:03:25as Conservative Leader.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Have we all been watching the Tory Conference this week?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Nonstop.- No!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- So, Brexit, when is Brexit going to happen?- Oh, God.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Ah, now, well, she has said that she's going to trigger Article 50
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- by the end of March 2017. - Yep.- Why you have to?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- It just means formally notify, trigger, doesn't it?- Yep.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42It's a really dramatic word.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45It's like saying, "I'd like a cappuccino, please.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46"I have triggered a coffee."
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I've just, and I know I've moaned about it before,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52but this Brexit thing.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I mean, it just don't stop, does it?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Now, it's like, "Oh, is it going to be a hard Brexit?
0:03:59 > 0:04:00"Soft Brexit. Hard..."
0:04:00 > 0:04:03It's like watching the world's most boring porno.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04But, you know, I think -
0:04:04 > 0:04:07cos there's that hard Brexit, soft Brexit debate -
0:04:07 > 0:04:10it's not fair. When we were told to vote, it was two options.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Yeah.- They should have given us a bunch of them,
0:04:13 > 0:04:17do you want hard Brexit or soft Brexit or chewy Brexit?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- A lovely chewy one. - A dry, chalky Brexit?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- A dry little, a brittle, melt in the mouth Brexit?- Yeah.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Brexit with pulled pork.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Got to get pulled pork in there somewhere, cos it's on every menu.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34They've started pulling chicken. You seen that? Pulled chicken now.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36They'll pull anything. It's disgusting.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I'm really, really worried that this is how all the conversations
0:04:39 > 0:04:41about Brexit go, even with politicians.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45This is actually what they do.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"Is it hard? Or is it soft?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"Is it with a fork, is it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52"We'll talk about it again tomorrow."
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Are you worried, Dara, that in order to keep your job here,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57you might have to marry one of us?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Way ahead of you, man, way ahead of you.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I naturalised myself many years ago.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I moved among you, you can hardly tell me apart.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11From you English.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13IN FAKE GERMAN ACCENT: Mit your interesting vays.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Oh, it's slipped, my accent has slipped!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Dummkopf! Dummkopf! You've got to concentrate-en.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24What brilliant post-Brexit opportunity
0:05:24 > 0:05:27has the Department For International Trade promoted this week?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- Oh, this is the jam. - It is the jam, yeah.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Because everyone was really worried about everything
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and obviously, we look for Twitter for solace.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36And then, we all saw an exciting tweet that there is going to be...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39If someone can come up with an innovation in jam,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41then we can export it and be millionaires.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42- Yep.- That's all we need to do.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Hey, hands up who likes jam on the...? Yeah.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- I'm a big fan of jam. - Do you not like jam?- No.- Oh, no.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- HUGH:- Oh, hello. Oh, there's a discovery!
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Trouble in paradise.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Looks like someone's having fruit cake at the wedding.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Can I just say, the jam thing irritates me, though,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01cos the jam thing is that we've been told there's an opportunity
0:06:01 > 0:06:03for Britons to sell jam to Europe.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- Yes.- That's the big opportunity, right?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07And all the Twitter comments were, "Ha-ha,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"trying to sell jam to the French.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"All the French provide the...all of that."
0:06:11 > 0:06:13They do, but we make really good jam.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15We make really, really good jam.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19And I hate this thing. I hate this thing, whereby...
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Stop doing down the country.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Yeah, whereby everything that comes from France is more sophisticated.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Their jam just comes from a big jam factory near Marseilles.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30When I was a kid, we all thought Ski yoghurt
0:06:30 > 0:06:32was incredibly sophisticated.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34It was made in Swansea.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38When you started that, I thought, "Where's he going with this?"
0:06:38 > 0:06:40And it's just like, "Oh, he just loves jam."
0:06:42 > 0:06:45The last great innovation in jam was washing out the jars
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and serving cocktails in them to twats in bars.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51French jam is really complicated.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I mean, it's not good for, because, you go to Waitrose...
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Jesus Christ.- You just want a jar of raspberry jam.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Can you find it? You can find framboise.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01What the fuck is that?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07I never expected jam to turn you into Nigel Farage.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- Hugh Dennis. Jam fascist. - What I'm after is the freedom
0:07:16 > 0:07:18to boil our own fruit with sugar.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- That's what I'm after. - Hugh, Hugh?- Yes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24If you feel this way, you should join the Conserve-ative Party.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Boom!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30And that's why I love you.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Who made a typically colourful speech at the conference?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Boris Johnson. Sorry, Hugh, you had your hand up.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37No, I was going to say Boris Johnson, but it's fine.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39We should have said it at the same time.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Sara, it's normally Hugh's job to do the right answers
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- and I just feel like you...- Someone in the audience just went, "Yeah."
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"Yeah, shut up, Pascoe!"
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Be as funny as you want, but the right answer, that's Hugh's field.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Honestly, I've got two jobs.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I get the right answer and, on occasion, I talk about jam.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Who made, who made a typically colourful speech at the conference?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Can I just ask one question? - Oh, my God.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Genuinely, oh, my God!
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Why isn't there...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Why isn't there orange jam?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Marmalade is...- No, that's not jam, that's got bits in.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20Yeah, I'm happy to move on as well. Er... Who...?
0:08:20 > 0:08:21The answer to your question...
0:08:21 > 0:08:24And I'll give you a clue, the answer is Boris Johnson. Who...?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- It was Boris Johnson.- Shut up, I have to ask the question first.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Let Hugh do it, let Hugh do it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Let's stick to the conventions of normal language.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Who made a typically colourful speech at the conference?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Was it Hugh about jam?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- Dara?- Yes.- It was Boris Johnson. - It was Boris Johnson, of course
0:08:46 > 0:08:48it was Boris Johnson. Yeah, it was. And what did he say?
0:08:48 > 0:08:52He used he term gloomadon-poppers, right?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- A man who is the Foreign Secretary of this country.- Yes.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58We knew he was a joke man 15 years ago and he was on
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Have I Got News For You, and I thought,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02"Fine, I like him on Have I Got News For You"
0:09:02 > 0:09:04and then he ran for mayor and I thought, "No-one's going to
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"elect the Joke Man to be mayor,"
0:09:07 > 0:09:09and then he's the mayor twice.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14And then, he leads the Leave campaign and you think,
0:09:14 > 0:09:18"No, no-one's going to actually vote for economic suicide
0:09:18 > 0:09:21"because the Joke Man tells them to."
0:09:21 > 0:09:26And they do and then, finally, he's revealed to be the sort of
0:09:26 > 0:09:28self-serving little toerag,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Gove stabs him in the back and you think, "Ooh-hoo, it's done!"
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Everyone knows the Joke Man is an idiot
0:09:34 > 0:09:37and then he's the Foreign Secretary!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41And I just have had it up to here.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Is he like this round the house as well, is he?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50He always gets jealous of my exes.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54You can take the piss out of him as much as you like.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57To me, he looks like a bloke that'd like jam.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02What has the Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04come out against this week?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Health?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09He may as well.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Jeremy Hunt's come out against puddings in restaurants
0:10:11 > 0:10:14cos he's worried that the obesity crisis is going to destroy the NHS
0:10:14 > 0:10:16before he can.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19He just needs to halt it in its tracks.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20What did he say he would do to restaurants
0:10:20 > 0:10:22that serve puddings that were too...?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Is he going to prosecute them or something?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- He was going to name and shame them. - Oh, really?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Yeah, cos that'll really work.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"See this place? Their cheesecakes are enormous!"
0:10:34 > 0:10:38"Boo! Boo! Let's have a look at them."
0:10:38 > 0:10:41"Mmmm, Mmmm, boo!" "Yum-yum, yum-yum, boo!"
0:10:41 > 0:10:44It's like they're banging on about it - sugar's so bad, sugar's so bad.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47"Sugar's so bad, it can affect the growth of your teeth."
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Oh, nightmare, please not me! Do you know what I mean?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Don't you think it says quite a lot about the kind of weeks he's been having, though?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Cos on the one hand, he must have woken up on Monday morning and thought,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"I could deal with the junior doctors' strike
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"or I could say something about puddings.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05"Puddings? Junior doctors? Puddings? I think I'll go for puddings."
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Obviously, because it is him we're talking about, presumably
0:11:09 > 0:11:11junior pudding chefs will now go on strike and you'll only be able
0:11:11 > 0:11:16to get a pudding for 24 hours if it is a genuine emergency.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- That worries me.- I'm very cross about all this.- Are you?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- I love puddings. - He loves puddings, that guy.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Ed knows this. I love puddings so much.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28I once sat in Ed's house and ate a full tub of Ben & Jerry's
0:11:28 > 0:11:32while looking at the Ben & Jerry's website to see what flavours
0:11:32 > 0:11:34of Ben & Jerry's they have in America that we don't get over here.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37What flavours do they have?
0:11:37 > 0:11:41The most amazing flavours you can ever imagine.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Cos in American convenience stores,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- they have giant fridges full of these.- Yeah!
0:11:45 > 0:11:46And here, there'll just be one,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49there will just be Jeremy Hunt standing in the fridge, going...
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I didn't invite James that night and I was trying to have
0:11:54 > 0:11:56a very romantic meal with my girlfriend.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Every now and again, just me shouting out,
0:11:59 > 0:12:00"One's called the Tonight Dough!"
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Cherry, cherry, chocolate, cherry, cherry? This is so unfair!
0:12:07 > 0:12:11At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Now we play a round called
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Trump Around, Trump Around, Trump Up, Trump Up and Get Down.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24This game involves John and James.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26If you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35OK, here we go, spin the wheel.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39And the topic is Home Life. Who wants to come in on that?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:50So, my girlfriend went away...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53..for four weeks...
0:12:53 > 0:12:54to Australia.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57And in the run-up to her going away,
0:12:57 > 0:13:01she was very concerned about how we'd cope.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02I...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06..was sort of less worried about that.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I'll be honest with you, what I was mainly thinking in the run-up
0:13:11 > 0:13:14to my girlfriend going to Australia for four weeks was,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16"Hooray!
0:13:16 > 0:13:21"Hooray! Lads! Lads! Lads! Down the pub! Glug, glug, glug!"
0:13:21 > 0:13:23That's a pint glass, by the way.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Turns out, they'd moved on.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Their girlfriends aren't away, their kids exist.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36And my flat is now just turned into a blank,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39grief-walled cell of despair.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Cos I see it without my girlfriend in it for the first time.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46And so, my mind just begins to fill with all the everyday things
0:13:46 > 0:13:50that lose their magic without her because that's what I think love is.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52It's a domestic thing.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55The other day, she was emptying the bin and I knew it was going to
0:13:55 > 0:13:57split because she doesn't buy heavy-duty bin bags
0:13:57 > 0:13:59because she doesn't listen to me.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08And she's lifting out the bin and I can see the main sort of
0:14:08 > 0:14:11bulk of the refuse is staying there.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Meanwhile, the bag itself is just stretching,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18getting clearer and clearer till it's little more than a shadow
0:14:18 > 0:14:21and I think, "Well, that bag is going to split
0:14:21 > 0:14:23"but I can't tell her because I've learned."
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I hear this shrill cry,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31a sound that I've not heard my girlfriend make before
0:14:31 > 0:14:33cos I'm not much in the bedroom.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39And I thought, "Well, that bin bag's split, hasn't it?"
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Time to go and lighten the atmos with a few choice quips
0:14:41 > 0:14:43about why we use heavy-duty bin bags.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Thank you very much. John Robins.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55OK, that leaves us with James. Let's see what your topic is.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59And the topic is Cinema. Away you go.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Speaking of the cinema, Sara Pascoe's an idiot.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Love going to the cinema.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14My favourite film that I ever saw at the cinema
0:15:14 > 0:15:17was the Eddie Redmayne classic The Theory Of Everything.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Loved it. It should have been called Look Who's Hawking.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21That's my only criticism.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Nobody's perfect.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Worst part of going to the cinema is other people, easily.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Sitting there. King of the Jerks is behind me, this really angry man.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Had a go at me at one point because I was snacking.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"Get over yourself, Grandad, I'll do what I like."
0:15:37 > 0:15:40In his defence, I was eating a big bag of fortune cookies.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Cracking them open, reading them out loud, it was disruptive.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46It was disruptive.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52End of this film, man behind me goes,
0:15:52 > 0:15:56"Ugh, that's two hours of my life I'm not getting back."
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I thought, "Ah, I've got some bad news for this guy."
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"Every hour of your life...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"No, you're never getting back. They're gone forever.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09"Time is not refundable, death is the end."
0:16:11 > 0:16:12And I know that because five minutes earlier,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I'd read it in a fortune cookie.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Thank you very much, James Acaster.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21At the end of that round, the points go to John Robins.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Our next round is called
0:16:29 > 0:16:30If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32On the board are six categories.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33John, which category would you like?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I would like World News, please, Dara.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39OK, World News is the category. The answer is 3%.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40What is the question?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Is it what percentage of my life have I spent thinking
0:16:44 > 0:16:47the toaster is broken when actually, I haven't plugged it in?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Is it my milkshake brings what percentage of boys to the yard?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Is it what is my success rate for plugging in
0:16:58 > 0:17:00a USB charger the right way round first time?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Is it how much of a portion of Viennetta you get
0:17:04 > 0:17:05round Jeremy Hunt's house?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Is it what percentage of the population of Midsomer
0:17:10 > 0:17:12are still alive and well?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Is it how many of Southern Rail's trains run today?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Yeah. - APPLAUSE
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Always a classic, innit? - That's a timely one. It's awful!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Oh, no, you're ha-ha-ha and clapping now, you're never getting home.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Is it, "Huh, what are the chances?"
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Very true. Very true.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42It could be what are the chances of John proposing live on air?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44On Mock The Week, in front of everyone!
0:17:44 > 0:17:45- AUDIENCE CHEER - Oh, my God,
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- now it's come up, why not...? - Yeah, and who to?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51HE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Those spider hands? - HE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Please tell me that when you propose, if you ever do,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- you will do spider hands first. - Spider hands.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Every day, I propose to someone random.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- And I'll come to them and go... - HE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"What? No? OK, go away."
0:18:10 > 0:18:13It's the percentage of Facebook posts from new parents
0:18:13 > 0:18:15that I give a shit about.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Oh, yeah, you've all got kids, haven't you?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Keep your dirty dick in your trousers
0:18:19 > 0:18:21and save us all a lot of bother.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Whoa, whoa!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28This is so much like an anxiety dream for me.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Will you marry me?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39You got it on tape, right? He can't deny it. I'm going to show his mum.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Is it...? No jam!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It's not about jam. It's clearly not about jam.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- What is the answer?- It's world news. We make our own jam.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It is...it is, I suspect,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04how far ahead is Hillary Clinton in the polls?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08That's absolutely correct. Thank you very much.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Hugh Dennis.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Yes, despite some wonderful candidates there,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18the question I was actually looking for was - in recent polls,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21how far ahead is Hillary Clinton in the US presidential election?
0:19:21 > 0:19:22This is the news that,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25in the aftermath of last week's debate, Clinton opened
0:19:25 > 0:19:28a three-point lead over Republican candidate Donald Trump.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- Are you all following it?- Oh, yes.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33About five weeks to go until the election.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Yeah, I've made my mind up now, I'm voting for Trump.- Yeah?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38And voting for him is going to be a full-on protest vote
0:19:38 > 0:19:40and he'll never win, it'll be fine and if he wins,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43then I'll just google the consequences later.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Donald Trump never thinks ahead as to what people
0:19:49 > 0:19:50could Photoshop in, does he?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56He's had a terrible week though, hasn't he?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Cos suddenly all his tax returns have being revealed, haven't they?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02No, one set of tax returns revealed from 1995
0:20:02 > 0:20:05showed him making a 961 million loss,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08which he offset into the next 20 years of tax, it's believed.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- So, he's paid no tax for 20 years. - That's the...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12And I got that off Google and I mean,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15about tax, they should know, shouldn't they?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18It's true, he keeps saying despicable things about women,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20he keeps going on and on about people's appearances,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23being incredibly shallow, being very critical and nasty
0:20:23 > 0:20:26and poisonous about people who've aged or put on weight.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I mean, who does he think he is? A woman's magazine?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31The thing is I think that in America, though,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33they're all about breaking taboos and changing things.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36They had the first-ever black president and now they're going to
0:20:36 > 0:20:38have the first-ever criminally insane one. So, it's a good thing,
0:20:38 > 0:20:40they give everyone a chance.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43He does it all himself, doesn't he?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Like, he talks about having the most stamina but the only reason
0:20:45 > 0:20:48he needs stamina is he keeps making such a prick out of himself.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Like, her at the debate was like a boxer just stood there in the ring
0:20:51 > 0:20:54watching another boxer punch themself repeatedly in the face.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58It is the thing, everyone, people are weird, I'm very,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"Oh, everyone calm down, shut up and relax with this."
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Because there's a graph, if you look at all the websites
0:21:02 > 0:21:05with the political things and you see the graph which has a gap
0:21:05 > 0:21:08between where they are and it's always been Hillary on top and him there.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10And occasionally, they veer together,
0:21:10 > 0:21:11and then they veer out again.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13And it seems that every time they get a little bit closer,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16it's like the Americans keep tipping up towards the wet paint
0:21:16 > 0:21:18and wanting to touch the wet paint and then going,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"No, no, no, no, no!"
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Cos every time it gets within a couple of points,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25it's like America goes, "What are we doing? We're mad."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27"No, of course I wouldn't vote for him,"
0:21:27 > 0:21:28and then, after a week,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30they go, "Maybe I would... No, no, no!"
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Who has offered Trump some advice for the next debate?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- This is Nigel Farage. - Nigel Farage, yeah.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Farage is, you know, he's fresh from ruining the UK,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40now he's going to go and ruin America.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42He's very much the Robbie Williams of politics.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Or maybe Trump read that thing about how if you have an ugly friend,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48it makes you look better.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51He's like, "Hey, I know a guy."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53It shows you how bad Trump is because I'm not
0:21:53 > 0:21:56a huge Farage fan but I'm looking at that, going, "Oh, come on, Nige,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"don't do that, you're better than that."
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Which ambitious space experiment has come to an end?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- The moon man. - Ah, this is Rosetta, isn't it?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Yes to Rosetta, no to the moon man.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It was a stab in the dark, I admit.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- It's the Rosetta mission, Dara. - It is the Rosetta mission, yes.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23And the Rosetta mission took 12 years and six months.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27It cost 1.9 billion.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Ridiculous! A billion quid.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I've lost my no-claims bonus for reversing into a trolley.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33And they're...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37And they're crashing spaceships
0:22:37 > 0:22:39on a hunch that it's going to be a hot day.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- I'm sort of with Rob on this one.- Thank you, John.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I don't think you understand how much things like this mean to Dara.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- I know.- And it's all right making fun of politicians but this
0:22:50 > 0:22:52means something, so can we not be mean?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54It's like my jam.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Do you think, though? You see, I've got a suspicion
0:23:00 > 0:23:03that it's not genuine, anyway, I think it might be an insurance scam.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- So, they...- The entire thing.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I think they deliberately crashed it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Well, the proof of that would be if its last transmission was...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- .."I've got whiplash!"
0:23:14 > 0:23:16None of it's real, though. It's just sci-fi, innit?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I don't know why we're talking about this, Dara.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22It's like Battlestar Galactica.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24We're all indulging you but it's not real, mate.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Is any of it, is none of it real?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31On the next episode, they send Henry the Hoover up
0:23:31 > 0:23:32to clean up the mess.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41At the end of the round, the points go to Rob, Sara and John.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what
0:23:53 > 0:23:55our panellists can come up with.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57OK, here we go.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59The first subject is...
0:24:03 > 0:24:05If you have any information about this crime or any other crime,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08keep your mouth shut. Snitches get stitches. Brap, brap, brap!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17A relative paid tribute to the victim who sadly died in the blaze.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21He said, "He was the kind of guy that just lights up a room."
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Studies have discovered that the majority of murderers are men.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30So, what should we be doing?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33How can we support female murderers?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Should we be subsidising childcare?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43The suspect defecated on Boris Johnson's doorstep.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Witnesses described the man as "an absolute legend".
0:24:50 > 0:24:53No Crimewatch tonight but re-runs of Top Of The Pops 2
0:24:53 > 0:24:56are on BBC4 now, so just...
0:24:58 > 0:25:00The man broke into Battersea Dogs Home
0:25:00 > 0:25:02and released all the dogs.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Police are desperately searching for leads.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13The criminals then blew the safe, but however hard they blew,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16it just stayed where it was.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Oh, no, a city up north has gone missing.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25It begins with L and is great.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Police are desperately looking for Leeds.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31That was your pun!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Do you like it?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37It's a Rolex. I nicked that.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40That is a crime watch.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49And now, as a bit of fun, we go to the blooper reel.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52"Give me all your honey! I mean, money! Ha, ha, ha!"
0:25:56 > 0:26:00According to police, there were wet footprints leading across
0:26:00 > 0:26:01the bedroom carpet.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Cos one of us doesn't know what a bath mat is.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14OK, OK, OK!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16The murderer said she did it because, "He made so many jokes
0:26:16 > 0:26:19"about me on Mock The Week, I couldn't hack it any more."
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Were you in the Wetherspoons at 9am?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27If you were, we want you to contact us.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28There was no crime, we just want to work out
0:26:28 > 0:26:30what went wrong in your life.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Right, let's have a quick look at Britain's Most Unwanted.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38This is Sam Allardyce.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44The victim's name was Jehovah. Police are looking for witnesses.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Well, you know greetings cards are about four quid, ain't they?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55But if you put 'em in the self-service, there's no weight on them,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57so they don't... Hello, welcome to Crimewatch!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02OK, the next topic is...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09But the ring was lost.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Frodo looked up.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13This rectal exam had gone badly wrong.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I was Gandalf The Grey.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24But now, after only three washes...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Will the Mad Lord defeat the Leper Queen?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Rob Beckett, Fox News, Washington.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40My magic powers are strong.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Put any penis in my hand and watch it grow.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Your Majesty, I've ridden here for two weeks on horseback
0:27:51 > 0:27:53to deliver this important message from your brother.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55"Errhh!"
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Hufflepuff? Oh, great, I'm getting bullied.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Frodo, it's so far, can't we just split a cab fare?
0:28:13 > 0:28:16No, sorry, darling. No, that's a ticket.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18No, this is a Double Yellow Brick Road.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I am Thor, John Thaw.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30And I am a Morse god.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37'Tis I, Merlin,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Grand Wizard and supplier of Premier League sticker albums.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Shazam! A shiny.
0:28:46 > 0:28:51Oh, no, I've been bitten by some radioactive corduroy.
0:28:51 > 0:28:56That means I'm going to become James Acaster Man.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04- IN GEORDIE ACCENT:- No, I'm sorry, Alice.
0:29:04 > 0:29:05This is Sunderland.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14After travelling across the dark seas and desolate planes,
0:29:14 > 0:29:17finally I am home. I left my keys at Clive's!
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Er, we actually find the term unicorn quite offensive,
0:29:25 > 0:29:27we prefer skinny rhinoceri.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Call yourself an orc?
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Oh, yeah, you can talk the orc but can you walk the orc?
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Do not go in there. It's an absolute bloodbath!
0:29:45 > 0:29:47It is literally a lion in a wardrobe.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51I cannot emphasise that enough. It killed the witch. Oh, my God!
0:29:54 > 0:29:57What's that? The film's gone on for nine hours and you don't know
0:29:57 > 0:29:59what you're doing any more, so you just get an army of the undead
0:29:59 > 0:30:01to save the day? Fucking turn it in.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14That's the end of the show.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18This week's winners are John Robins, Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.