0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34This programme contains some strong language
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to the
0:00:36 > 0:00:39final show in the current run of Mock The Week.
0:00:39 > 0:00:412016 has been quite a year - Brexit,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Donald Trump, and everyone good died.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48So let's relive all that, shall we? There'll be
0:00:48 > 0:00:50some out-takes and new stuff as well. Hope you enjoy it.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:56We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board
0:00:56 > 0:00:58are six categories. Dane, which category would you like?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- Don't pick sport, Dane. Don't do it.- Shut up, Ed.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06We do have to do this, Ed. Shut up, you prick.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09What has become highly
0:01:09 > 0:01:11desirable because of the vote to leave the EU?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- Irish passport.- Yeah, one of these.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15One of these, baby, one of these.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Oh, back off, hey.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I know. Pretty sweet, my friend.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Isn't it amazing, we've got to the point where our own Prime Minister
0:01:23 > 0:01:26is in a less internationally strong position than Jedward.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:32The application forms
0:01:32 > 0:01:34for these have run out. They're expecting an
0:01:34 > 0:01:37extra million of these. They're pretty sweet, you know, because...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I'm not bothered about that. I think it's all a fuss over nothing but on
0:01:40 > 0:01:44an unrelated note I'd just like to say, Dara,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47"I love you, I've loved you since the very first moment I saw you and would you do me the
0:01:47 > 0:01:49"honour of being my husband?"
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Until now, though, it's been pointless having an Irish passport
0:01:53 > 0:01:57because they don't let you on a plane drunk anyway.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59What? Really, really.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02You are in no position, my friend.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I've gone for it. I've gone for it, mate.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Yeah, yeah, you dug it in there, yeah.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08It's just, I'm just so sad.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13It's going to be all right, isn't it, Dara? Everything? You know things.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14- I don't care, man... - What does Tim Peake reckon?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:27To be honest, this is not an Irish Passport with my face in it. This is a thing we just mocked up
0:02:27 > 0:02:31because there's no way I'm taking something as valuable as an actual Irish passport into a studio.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I'm just going to write myself a visa.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- I...can...go...- You could just take a photograph of the picture on the back of a Megabus and stick that on.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Yeah.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43So that's... That's the Irish visa now which
0:02:43 > 0:02:45just says "I can go anywhere."
0:02:47 > 0:02:48There. Oh, hang on, sorry.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Let me just draw a shamrock on that. So that you get a
0:02:52 > 0:02:54full sense of the sheer Irish-ness of that.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56The official stamp of Ireland.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Is that a cock and balls? - Balls.- It's a cock and balls.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Sorry, yes, it is, it's a cock and balls.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- I've accidentally drawn a cock and balls.- That is so sexually threatening.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09A piece of paper saying "I can go anywhere" with a penis drawn on it.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10- CHARMER VOICE:- Ladies.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11CHARMER VOICE: Ladies.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13"Hello, charming customs lady. Would you like to
0:03:13 > 0:03:15"see my cock and balls?"
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- "I've got an international dick." - I'm sorry, OK, I'll try to make it more like a shamrock.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24That's appalling, sorry. I'll colour it in so it now looks... Please don't say... That, see,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26that's more like it, isn't it?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Don't. OK, what's...
0:03:30 > 0:03:32What's that? OK, stop
0:03:32 > 0:03:34saying cock and balls on my Irish visa.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Are you allowed to write in it?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39It's not a real... No.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42APPLAUSE
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It's fake. It's a pretend one.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Digressing slightly, that is the thing that pissed me off about the
0:03:48 > 0:03:50film Gravity. Where Sandra Bullock - it
0:03:50 > 0:03:53didn't matter what space ship she got into -
0:03:53 > 0:03:55whether it was Russian, Chinese...
0:03:55 > 0:04:00- Ah...well...er...well....er. - Oh, here we go, here we go.- Oh, no.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05Well, ah. I could ruin that for you. OK, they learn Russian and then the buttons are all the same.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- There's more than two buttons, though, there's like three. - Yep, but the...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11When the Chinese buy the Russian thing they don't go
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"I know what we'll do. We'll move everything around."
0:04:14 > 0:04:19You don't get in a car in Spain on holiday and go, "Oh, my God. What are all these different buttons?"
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Yeah, but I... I mean because I've got a driving licence I don't
0:04:22 > 0:04:24assume that means I can then fly a space rocket.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26You know. There's a difference. Slightly more complicated.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29All right, mate, cos that's off what I thought you were saying.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Hard work.- There's a reason we put you two far away, far apart.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Is he going to be a prick all night? - He's had loads of coffees. - Yes, I am.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43He's had three coffees before the show.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Honestly, Rob is annoying at best and he's had a massive cup of coffee.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- Let's just all try and get through this as best as possible. - I'm just loving life.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I like it. We'll just take nap time halfway through and it'll be fine.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I will dip in about half hour so don't worry about it.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Big thanks, by the way, to everyone watching the show last week who
0:05:02 > 0:05:06spotted a fly land on my head in the middle of the show. Which a lot of people...
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Wow.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10..sent me on Twitter, to
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Twitter, you know, in the way it does. Lots of people.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Just as I'm laughing at a comment
0:05:15 > 0:05:17that you're making, Hugh, "ha-ha ha", when a fly
0:05:17 > 0:05:19lands on my head.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22And that's all I've heard the entire show. Literally no joke was
0:05:22 > 0:05:26noticed by anyone other than people trying to screen grab that to send it to me and go...
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Wait a minute, but why did you not... What has happened to your
0:05:29 > 0:05:33central nervous system that you were unaware that a fly had landed on your head?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Because it was a... It was a fly, Hugh. Rather than... It wasn't like
0:05:36 > 0:05:37a gazelle that sat on my head.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Did you for a moment go, "It's grown back."
0:05:42 > 0:05:46APPLAUSE
0:05:47 > 0:05:49So harsh.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54- I think you look sweet with it. I think you should keep it.- It's like a tiny topknot. Yeah.- Yeah.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Dara's gone for a tiny topknot.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- I've gathered all the strands. - I'm still down with the kids. - Yeah, I'm Zlatan.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I think it's more reminiscent of a little bird on the back a hippo.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Oh.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- Oh, wow.- No, I mean only if...
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Hey.- If you really scale it up, though. You know.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14You think I'm in a symbiotic relationship and the fly cleans me.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Yeah.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18And in exchange for that I don't kill or eat the fly.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I like to think that if you zoom in on the fly it's also going...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You're both laughing at the same time.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- There's a little fly there.- And if you zoom in really, really close there's this little
0:06:29 > 0:06:31bacteria on top of the fly going...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Just a happy chain.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38In other news, what's going on here?
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Too soon, is it?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Hodgson's shit and we're out. Is that the answer?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49APPLAUSE I'll accept that.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Yes, I shall accept that. I shall accept that as
0:06:53 > 0:06:54the correct answer.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58We got beaten by a team with basically all the same surnames.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00It's like losing to a school team in Norfolk.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Presumably everyone's rowing in behind Iceland now. Is that the...?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Yeah.- It's like conkers, really. You go, like, all of your things are
0:07:10 > 0:07:15passed on to whoever wins. Iceland now own England.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18And I, for one, welcome our new Icelandic overlords.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21APPLAUSE
0:07:24 > 0:07:25I love that. It's fantastic.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Something is happening because there's a long gap between the first
0:07:28 > 0:07:30one and the second one. There's a long gap and
0:07:30 > 0:07:33you know something is happening in Icelandic in their heads.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Some Viking thing is happening and it's freaky because they're going,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"Ohhhhhh." Even longer than that -
0:07:39 > 0:07:42you're like, "Come on, come on!" Then when all they...
0:07:42 > 0:07:45When they know - when THEY know the time has passed - aah!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47THE AUDIENCE CLAP
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Stop it.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53THE AUDIENCE CLAP
0:07:53 > 0:07:58Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, stop, stop. You're just clapping.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01That's not the same thing. The Vikings -
0:08:01 > 0:08:04they're not disco people, the Vikings.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05There's a whole "Huuhh" thing and a "Hooo" and
0:08:05 > 0:08:08then there's a big pause because they do it
0:08:08 > 0:08:10again, it's not like... It's not YMCA.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Straight arm, "Huuhh."
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Wait, you have to do the "Hooo" as well. All right. For the - oh, Jesus.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20It's all, OK, fine.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"Huuhh." THE AUDIENCE CLAP
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Then we wait for a surprising amount of time.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"Huuhh."
0:08:31 > 0:08:37"Huuhh." "Huuhh." "Huuhh." "Huuhh." "Huuhh." "Huuhh." "Huuhh."
0:08:37 > 0:08:39And so on and then they win. Yes, grand. OK.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Well done, people. - Oh, dear God.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47That's how Farage won, by the way.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49That is. That's how easy it is to lead a mob.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I'm not that... Are we that bothered that Obama's getting snubbed here?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59He's on his way out anyway. He's been having a bloody holiday for the last...
0:08:59 > 0:09:02He's not really doing anything, is he? He's dicking around. Like doing little comedy bits,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06like slamming Donald Trump, trying to make us forget that he authorised the drone strikes.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Do you know what I mean? Like, he's...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I might be too happy but
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I think you might not be happy enough, Romesh.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17I just... No, listen.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21APPLAUSE
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Well, there, there, Obama,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Romesh is keeping an eye on you. So you better...
0:09:25 > 0:09:26You better do some stuff.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31He has told us that we can't expect a trade deal with America,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- is one of the things he's done, isn't it?- Yep.- He said if we try to
0:09:34 > 0:09:38organise - after Brexit - if we try to organise a trade deal with the US, we are at the back of the queue.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Cos he's got to do one with China and the EU.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I mean, there you go. He's trying to explain queuing to Britain.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46APPLAUSE
0:09:46 > 0:09:49This is exactly it.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52This is exactly it, you think relative to them,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54relative to them what we want in a trade deal is
0:09:54 > 0:09:57very, very small. So there should be a different...
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Queue.- ..queue. A five-items-or-less queue.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I worked this out the other day. You know when they say "Never put all your eggs in one basket?"
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Yeah.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Do. Because you get a
0:10:10 > 0:10:13wider choice of checkouts, don't you?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Another thing with eggs -
0:10:15 > 0:10:17don't get duck ones. Taste like fish.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- That's really weird. - Culinary Corner with Rob Beckett.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27I think we can pinpoint the moment the coffee kicked in.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Duck eggs, duck eggs.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33I thought it was going to be like a big chicken one but it ain't. It's all fishy.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Are they, like, salty, briny? - Yeah, a bit fishy. A bit like...
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Did you say, "If you're eating fish all day you're going to have a fishy egg"? Ducks don't eat fish, mate.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44- Why do you think they're putting their heads under the water? - They eat bread, you dozy prick.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47They've got their head in the water all the day. They have bread and fish.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- They do eat fish. They do eat fish. - They do eat fish. - What fish are they eating?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Do they eat fish? Do they eat fish? I thought they ate... - You are... You are damaging...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56What do you think happened to ducks before people started fucking baking?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58APPLAUSE
0:11:03 > 0:11:08"Oh, I'm so hungry. Oh, I'm so hungry, I'm so hungry. When will someone learn to find yeast?"
0:11:12 > 0:11:13That impression of a
0:11:13 > 0:11:17duck, I'm going to get that as a gif. Look at that.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"I just want some bread."
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Ducks have a very varied diet.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Unlike Rob, who's just eaten sweets.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Sweets. Sweets and helium.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27The fact of the... I mean,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29the point that we're all ignoring is that eggs
0:11:29 > 0:11:32are morally corrupt anyway and we're all...
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Anybody that eats eggs is...- Oh, God he's starting the vegan again.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- Like, listen...listen.- Ah, God, here goes the fun for the night.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40I had an apple crumble
0:11:40 > 0:11:43with cream earlier. And as I was eating it I
0:11:43 > 0:11:46thought, "If I could make something that nice I'd happily be milked."
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Again, we've gone into territory that...- If I could bring that to the world.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Remind me to never have a milkshake round your house, you disgusting person.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Our next round is called Newsreel. We play a recent piece of footage
0:11:59 > 0:12:03featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05This week's clip features the royal family.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- AS PRINCE PHILIP:- Ooh, God,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10here we go again. I hate this kind of thing.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Why are we having to stop here, Liz? Oh, for God's
0:12:12 > 0:12:14sake, hurry up, I want to get home in time for
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Game Of Thrones. There's the kind of programme I like.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Women getting their waps out whatever the weather.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- AS QUEEN:- Hello.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I've come to pick up a package. I told them if I wasn't in
0:12:27 > 0:12:31to leave it with the soldier in the sentry box in the funny hat but they didn't listen.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- AS LADY:- Your Majesty, do you have any identification?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- AS QUEEN:- I'm the Queen, for God's sake. Just look at
0:12:37 > 0:12:40a £5 note and add about 40 years.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- AS LADY:- Your Majesty, I'd like to introduce you to Dave.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- AS QUEEN:- Hello. Hello, Dave.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50What do you do?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- AS DAVE:- Well, obviously I'm a postman, aren't I?
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- AS PHILIP:- I say, I've got a package you could handle.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03It's about that big. And I tell you what, I could pop it on the
0:13:03 > 0:13:07scales if you like? Wrap it in tape, whatever you fancy.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- AS LADY:- These are the designs
0:13:10 > 0:13:13for our new stamps, Your Majesty. What do you think?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- AS QUEEN:- I think they're absolutely awful.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18What is that? A monkey?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20William with hair? There was a time when stamps
0:13:20 > 0:13:22just had a picture of me. What was wrong with
0:13:22 > 0:13:26that, for Christ's sake? And what are those? Are they stamps?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- AS LADY:- No, those are the suspects we're looking for, Your Majesty.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33- AS PHILIP:- I want to be on a stamp.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Look up there. Get rid of, er... Get rid of Charles.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- AS QUEEN:- Why do you always cause a scene?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- AS PHILIP:- Hang on, I've just got to say something completely inappropriate.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48So you're in the Navy, are you?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Yes. Would you like to pipe me aboard?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I'll tell you what. You've got a bit of... You've got
0:13:54 > 0:13:55a bit of thing on you - yes, there you go.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58A tassel. Yes, that's better.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Come on, you old goat, off we go. Ha.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Put your foot on it, driver, I'm absolutely bursting for
0:14:04 > 0:14:06a waz.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10APPLAUSE Well done, Hugh.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16OK, let's move on completely. Which woman has made history in the United States this week?
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Oh, Hillary Clinton.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Hillary Clinton, of course, yes. In what way has she made history?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22She's the first female
0:14:22 > 0:14:23nominee ever.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Well, Bernie Sanders is
0:14:24 > 0:14:28likely to withdraw, innit? It's just a shame Donald Trump's dad didn't.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33- APPLAUSE - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Beckett's back with a broom up politics' arse.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41It would be great, if she wins then that will mean...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43ROB SNORTS
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- If she wins that will mean that... - ROB SNORTS
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- Sorry.- 100% of... What's going on? Are you...?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Yeah, but if I laugh sometimes I snort. I'm sorry, I'll try and stop.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54But you're laughing at your own joke.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Sorry, I've been annoying you all day, haven't I?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- He's been annoying me all day. - Really?- He's been in the dressing room next to me. And I had to text
0:15:01 > 0:15:02him about this.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I shouldn't have to text people this.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09I had to text him saying, "Please stop singing, 'Hey, Mambo, Mambo Italiano.'"
0:15:13 > 0:15:18That shouldn't need to happen. And it shouldn't then get the reply, "I wasn't aware I was singing it."
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Every now and again he'd just start doing it.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25# Hey, Mambo Mambo Italiano
0:15:25 > 0:15:27# Hey, Mambo... #
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- Yeah, you know you're doing it then. - I know now.- That's all the lyrics he knows.- That's it, and you just
0:15:31 > 0:15:32loop that tiny bit of the song.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36It's one of those things. You know when you're just busy doing something, you don't realise it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37I, quite loudly, I just go,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40# Hey Mambo, Mambo Italiano. Hey... #
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- And the walls are quite thin, aren't they?- Very thin and then you
0:15:42 > 0:15:45ask him to stop and then he goes, "Sorry" and
0:15:45 > 0:15:47then he starts doing it again because he can't remember.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Then if he's feeling bored he does a tweet about it and tells everyone that he's been
0:15:51 > 0:15:53doing it and then for the whole afternoon my
0:15:53 > 0:15:56phone won't stop going off because people are tweeting, "Hey, Mambo" at me.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04So, what's going on here?
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Is it Murray showing Tim Henman how bath time is different?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Is Andy Murray going to
0:16:19 > 0:16:21be cryogenically frozen and then bought back
0:16:21 > 0:16:23when Novak Djokovic is retired?
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Sorry, Andy.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28- Oh, zing...- I know what it is,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Andy's from Scotland. They don't get too much
0:16:31 > 0:16:33sun over there - he's enjoying the reflection
0:16:33 > 0:16:34of the trophy.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I'm assuming that's the picture he's put on eBay.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51He looks like a centaur.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55He looks... Look, his legs bend backwards in that bath.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58That must be how he covers the court so
0:16:58 > 0:17:00quickly if his legs flip out. You can never lob
0:17:00 > 0:17:02me, my friend.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06He always plays on centaur court.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- APPLAUSE Ahhh.- Thank you.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Bravo. Bravo.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15That trophy, you could
0:17:15 > 0:17:17fit your head inside. Have you toyed with
0:17:17 > 0:17:21putting your head in the trophy and playing Knightmare?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27No, I haven't, actually, no.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30When you get home you are going to have the time of your life.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Have you put the baby in the trophy? Have you put the baby in the trophy?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37You surely put the baby in the trophy?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39She doesn't fit, we
0:17:39 > 0:17:41tried but...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Oh, I'm delighted to hear that. Course he has.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46APPLAUSE
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Why is there a pineapple on top of the trophy?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Is there a pineapple on top of the trophy?- Yeah, it's a pineapple, yeah.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Are you meant to fill it with Lilt?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Have you tried that? Try that tonight, after the baby.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03We keep presuming that they just give you this thing...
0:18:03 > 0:18:08Presumably the thing is now back in a safe somewhere. Do you get to have it for any period of time?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10That was the last time I saw it, actually.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Where the hell is it?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13You get like...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Did you turn away, and then came back, and then... "What?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18"The trophy's gone." Cos this might be the place to tell them.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23"We've told you the trophy has got a no nudity rule, we are taking that away from you."
0:18:23 > 0:18:27The trophy has not seen a penis in 127 years.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Not now. They take the trophy away, do they give you a replica?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Yeah, a small one, yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Can you fit your head in that one?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36What can you fit in that one?
0:18:40 > 0:18:44We'll cut the mic out, you needn't, you needn't.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Does anyone want to ask further
0:18:45 > 0:18:48questions before the lights go down?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- What are we supposed to be answering?- You're supposed to be, "What's going on here?"
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I think we've blown the gaff. We know what's going on here.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55What's going on here is
0:18:55 > 0:18:58we're offending the only person who's done anything good in Britain this year.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01APPLAUSE That is very true.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09I should reveal now that I know these things are getting leaked, though.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I did use my inhaler before the egg and spoon race in 1993.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16No, I came last anyway.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17But, um...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Did you shaky, shaky and all that at the end? Click, click.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23And then, "Boom!"
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- JOSH IMITATES EXPLOSION - Egg there. Straight on the floor.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Yeah. You see, I have... I have to attend egg and spoon races now.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Do you?- Oh, I do, yeah. - What, a court-ordered thing?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Somebody has to be there as an independent observer to make sure
0:19:36 > 0:19:38the kids aren't putting their thumb on the egg.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40So do they choose the man that looks most like an egg?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43APPLAUSE
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Moving on, what criticisms has Theresa May faced this week? - She's a submarine.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56- Yes, why is she a submarine? - That was her nickname apparently. This unkind nickname they gave her
0:19:56 > 0:19:58because she has a tendency to sort of
0:19:58 > 0:20:00disappear under the water when difficult issues come up.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03The joke about submarines is never that they disappear all the
0:20:03 > 0:20:06time - it's that they're full of seamen, isn't it?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08It's such a weird...
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- APPLAUSE - Isn't it?
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Do not, don't, don't.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Don't broadcast. Please.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20We all saw that one and
0:20:20 > 0:20:23didn't go for it. And, he, the classiest one
0:20:23 > 0:20:25among us, went for that joke, all right?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- But that's because... - I appeal to your better...
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Man in the editing suite, I appeal to your better angel.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Dara, I thought the point of the submarine was that it went down on you.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Theresa May was called
0:20:41 > 0:20:42submarine because she had a tendency to
0:20:42 > 0:20:45disappear when she was most needed.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I thought it was because she was always soaking wet.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49APPLAUSE
0:20:54 > 0:20:55So...
0:20:57 > 0:21:03..typical of you. You have to bring...bring the tone down.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08How is the Labour leadership contest shaping up?
0:21:08 > 0:21:09I think Keith Vaz has
0:21:09 > 0:21:11suggested he'd like to run Virgin Trains.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Oh, fuck, you. Seriously, seriously.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Not so happy any more, are you, you prick?- I'm not, actually, no.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23The headache's here.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- IMITATING ROB:- Caffeine come down. Having a bit of a downer, to be honest with ya.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29APPLAUSE
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Well somebody's going to watch my sweet, sweet arse.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Does the seagull follow you, Ed? Does the seagull follow
0:21:41 > 0:21:44you as you go round, go from skip to skip in seaside towns?
0:21:44 > 0:21:45There's no such thing as a seagull.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50- Oh.- Oh.- Come on, yeah.- I've heard this.- Mind blown wide open.- What?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52There are Herring Gulls, there are Great Gulls..
0:21:52 > 0:21:56If I was doing QI I would give you some sort of a hooter.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Yeah, well, I've never
0:21:57 > 0:22:00been asked to do fucking QI, so why did you bring that up?
0:22:00 > 0:22:05We're not doing QI, we're doing Mock The Week and on Mock The Week that is the most boring-arsed fact
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I've ever heard. OK.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See so if everyone can make their
0:22:14 > 0:22:17way over to the performance area. I'll read out this week's topics.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Is it in the extended
0:22:20 > 0:22:23version of Craig Day's... Oh, er, start again.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26In the extended version of Craig David's
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Seven Days, after how long...?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33LAUGHTER
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I'm not going to do that one.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- No, OK, fair enough.- So nearly there.- So nearly there.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Is it how long it will take for Angela to finish that joke?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44So question one. What is
0:22:44 > 0:22:46the essential component of daytime quiz shows?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Is it, A - multiple choice questions? B -
0:22:49 > 0:22:51tense, dramatic music? Or C...
0:22:56 > 0:23:01..long annoying poises. Poises? That doesn't make sense.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04This game is
0:23:04 > 0:23:07our stand-up challenge and involves Miles and
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Milton, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- Make your way, gentlemen, make your way.- Shut up, Ed. This is what we say.- Here is a map.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Stop mocking the 18th century vernacular...- Here is a map. - ..with which I present this show.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I'm not doing this. We're clearly not doing this. I'm telling you now we're not doing it.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26We're clearly not doing this. We're not doing this. N... N...
0:23:26 > 0:23:29God, it's exciting watching this personal crisis unfold, isn't it?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Get on the train with a belly full of pollige - porridge - can I get off
0:23:34 > 0:23:37it with a wally, wallet full of cash? Now if I'd said that right we'd be fine.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- So...- The word belly then went
0:23:42 > 0:23:43onto porridge and that became pollige and then
0:23:43 > 0:23:46um, a wally, a wally full of cash so I'll say
0:23:46 > 0:23:49it again. If I get on with a belly full of
0:23:49 > 0:23:52pollige do I walk off with a wally full of cash?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- You've done pollige again. - A wally full of pollige.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Every time you do it, it sounds like you're attacking the Chinese with some really hideous...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Who wrote bumface on my piece of paper?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03No-one did.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09If you asked Wayne Rooney what... OK. What would Way... What would
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Way... Arrghhh. It's a difficult name.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Is it how many times Ed's going to try and do this joke?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I'm only on four. I'm only on four.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Hi, I'm Dara O Briain but
0:24:18 > 0:24:21you know that because I fucking present everything.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone could make
0:24:29 > 0:24:30their way over to the performance area I'll
0:24:30 > 0:24:33read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38OK, here we go... The first subject is...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Things you wouldn't hear on a kids' TV show.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46"Thunderbirds are go!"
0:24:46 > 0:24:48is what I shout at orgasm.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56No, La La, I'm afraid you're not Teletubbie, you're tele-obese.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58And if you're not careful you'll get tele-diabetes.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Don't ask your parents' permission before you phone. Those dicks will only say no.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14And on today's Horrible Histories, a 1970s episode of Top Of The Pops.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Right, young womble,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21today we're going to destroy the Wimbledon
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Tennis Championships and get rid of all this dog
0:25:24 > 0:25:27poo from the common. Get yourself a golfclub.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Well if you're not having an affair, whose square pants are these?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Well things are hotting
0:25:42 > 0:25:45up in Balamory - Archie's been radicalised.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Well, Miss Hooly, I'm wondering if I'm going to be regretting this job in 14 years.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Daddy Bear said,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed" and
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Mummy Bear said, "It was probably your whore, Linda."
0:26:13 > 0:26:15And the janitor would
0:26:15 > 0:26:16have got away with it too if it hadn't been
0:26:16 > 0:26:20for the photographs he'd taken of those pesky kids.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Yodel delivery driver Pat,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Yodel delivery driver Pat...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32He's thrown your parcel in a hedge.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41And now it's time for
0:26:41 > 0:26:43our resident band of children's violinists.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Please welcome The Kiddie Fiddlers.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52And now Peppa Pig is a
0:26:52 > 0:26:55recipe on Saturday Kitchen.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Look, Iggle Piggle, it's the Ninky Nonk.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Uh...
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- IN A POSH ACTOR VOICE:- Olivier said my Hamlet made him weep
0:27:08 > 0:27:10like a little girl.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:20OK, the next topic is...
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Lines you wouldn't hear in a James Bond film.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Sorry, mate, this is Spoons, we don't do Martini, do you want a
0:27:26 > 0:27:27jug of woo woo?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Ah, Mr Bond, welcome to
0:27:35 > 0:27:37this mandatory course on sexual harassment in the
0:27:37 > 0:27:38workplace.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Hi, the name's Bond.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51It's not actually 007 - they're zeros - otherwise
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I'd be called "Oooooo seven."
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- IN A RUSSIAN ACCENT: - Ah, Mr Bond, I'm very
0:27:59 > 0:28:02flattered by your advances but you are a
0:28:02 > 0:28:05complete stranger, you work for my enemy and I
0:28:05 > 0:28:07am menstruating very heavily.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Bond, meet your children, 005, 003
0:28:15 > 0:28:16and 00 18 months.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24You want my full name of course, it's Bond, James -
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Skipton Building Society, fixed rate,
0:28:28 > 0:28:29one year - Bond.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38It's another gadget, Bond. Er, this is a way of distracting your
0:28:38 > 0:28:41opponents. Some light-up trainers for no reason.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51- IN A RUSSIAN ACCENT:- Mr Bond, I have
0:28:51 > 0:28:54one question for you.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Does this testicle look swollen?
0:29:02 > 0:29:05So, Mr Bond, welcome back, how was Russia, how do you feel?
0:29:05 > 0:29:07"Do you know what? Rested."
0:29:12 > 0:29:16Mr Bond, we just want to check that you understand how to use
0:29:16 > 0:29:19the new equipment. You know you can swipe left, don't you?
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Blow Felt?
0:29:25 > 0:29:27No, I've never even met Felt.
0:29:34 > 0:29:35I'm Bond, James Bond,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37I'll have a Martini shaken not stirred.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39I fucked that up. I just said what he says.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Brain went... Did it wrong.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50It's a very clever twist on the whole...the whole format.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53- I just said what he said.- It's lines you wouldn't hear. Wouldn't.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Yeah, I get it now.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58The name's Bond, James Bond.
0:30:03 > 0:30:04This is much easier.
0:30:06 > 0:30:07This is the easiest
0:30:07 > 0:30:09fight on top of a train I've ever had.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Thank you, Southern Rail.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Whoa, whoa, whoa, I have got a girlfriend. No, thank you.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23APPLAUSE
0:30:23 > 0:30:26And at the end of that the points go to James, Hugh and Gary.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28APPLAUSE
0:30:29 > 0:30:31As I was just saying I thought that was a really good show.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33And I'm going to go on my holidays now.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37So, er... So good luck. Have a nice time.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40- Are you staying here, are you all here?- We're going to Cornwall.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43Oh, you're going to Cornwall this year? Oh, that sounds really good.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46That sounds really good. I'll be on the Algarve, I think.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48I don't know, I might travel around.
0:30:48 > 0:30:49Do you know, I might go Inter-railing.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51That's what I might do. It's going to be amazing.