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0:00:31 > 0:00:34This programme contains some strong language
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Joining me this week are Dane Baptiste,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:00:54 > 0:00:56what's happening, so what's going on here?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Is he doing an erotic drawing
0:00:59 > 0:01:01and you can't see, but he's looking at Tom Watson,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03who's posing nude on a bunk bed?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Is he painting Tom Watson like one of his French girls?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Exactly, like one of his French girls.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- That's a lovely Titanic reference. - Thank you very much!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Is this the centrefold in this month's Saga magazine?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I like to think Corbyn's going,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20"You thought I'd use the red pen, didn't you?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22"But - ha! - blue one! Surprise, bitches!"
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Is the waiter saying to him,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"You'll have to order another coffee if want to keep working here."
0:01:29 > 0:01:31It'd be harsh, in a Labour cafe,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34if they're going to kick him out for staying too long.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36"Sorry, chap, you gotta go."
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Is the headline, "Head of geography attends parents' evening"?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I'm imagining how the Sun would caption this photograph, like,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47"Madman Corbyn defaces innocent book."
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I think I understand why they're in trouble now,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55cos I think this is a page from the BHS menswear catalogue.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"Why is Corbyn looking over the top of glasses?!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00"You're supposed to look through them!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"Crazy Corbyn doesn't understand how glasses work!"
0:02:06 > 0:02:07He looks like he's in the canteen
0:02:07 > 0:02:10and he's heard Ed Miliband order another bacon sandwich.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"Zany Corbyn appears in photograph where he is in focus,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"but background is blurred!"
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Those glasses, though, they are not flattering.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22All they do is highlight the bags. That's a sad...
0:02:22 > 0:02:26I do think Corbyn has the look of a man who's just been asked to sign
0:02:26 > 0:02:28a birthday card for somebody in the office
0:02:28 > 0:02:30and he can't remember who they are.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34In his face, he wants to say,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"Is...is that fat Janice?" But he doesn't want to say that.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Does anybody know what the correct answer is for this,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45for why this picture would be there?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47He's in the news this week because of the Euro referendum.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Of course, thank you very much, Hugh.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Well done. APPLAUSE
0:02:53 > 0:02:56This is a recent picture of Jeremy Corbyn,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Who is in the news this week
0:02:58 > 0:03:01because he's agreed to lead a stepped-up campaign for Britain
0:03:01 > 0:03:03to remain in the EU and, boy,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06is he doing it in the most half-hearted possible fashion.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09They asked him what he thought - "Out of ten, how big are you...?"
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"7 to 7.5," he said.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- That's full-blooded.- 7.5, that's about 75%, which is good.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19If you're doing an exam, 75% is good.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20I'll give you that, that's fine.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23If you're asking a pilot about his success rate, then...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27..not as good, no.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"Well, I've done three today.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36"I'm on my limit and I'm tired.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38"Anyway, strap yourself in!"
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Didn't he say he's not a big fan of the EU, though?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- He said he's not a big fan of the EU.- No.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46I reckon he's got "socks and sandals" written all over him.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47He don't like the heat, he knows,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"If I have to go abroad, it's going to be short."
0:03:49 > 0:03:52So his objection to the Common Market
0:03:52 > 0:03:56and the European economic project of integration is,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- "It's a bit hot."- Yeah.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00He's got a beard and he wears tweed -
0:04:00 > 0:04:03it's not built for him, Europe.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05He looks like, judging by the picture,
0:04:05 > 0:04:06he's the person that always has to work out
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- how much the tapas cost and who had what.- Yeah.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11He looks like he's trying to split a bill there, don't he?
0:04:11 > 0:04:16- Exactly. - "Well, you had four of the prawns.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"He only brought six of them, for God's sake."
0:04:19 > 0:04:22That's actually, I think, one of the most annoying things
0:04:22 > 0:04:23about people who split bills.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25They sit down at the end and they're like,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"Oh, but I didn't have alcohol."
0:04:27 > 0:04:31You're like, "But you had a Coke and a pudding,"
0:04:31 > 0:04:32and they're like, "But I'm five."
0:04:36 > 0:04:38APPLAUSE
0:04:38 > 0:04:41It's not just Corbyn, though, is it?
0:04:41 > 0:04:47It's because Brexit are now ahead of Remain by quite a long way, in fact,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50they're worried about Labour heartlands voting for Brexit,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52so they're wheeling out all the Labour bigwigs,
0:04:52 > 0:04:54so they're doing a double substitution this week -
0:04:54 > 0:04:57they're getting rid of Cameron and Osborne
0:04:57 > 0:05:00and they've replaced them with that all-winning side
0:05:00 > 0:05:02of Miliband and Brown.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06If the Brexit is a draw, does it go to penalties,
0:05:06 > 0:05:07or is there another one?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10I think at the minute,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12the whole thing's even more confusing than it has been.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16The whole In and Out thing, I think everyone's finding it difficult.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Yep.- In and Out is a very hard decision. It's like the other day,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22my flatmate was making me a peppermint tea,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25and he said, "Would you like the bag leaving in...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29"..or taken out?"
0:05:29 > 0:05:32It's very hard, cos if you leave the bag in...
0:05:34 > 0:05:39..then over time, the cup of tea itself as a whole will get stronger
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and it might appear like the bag is getting weaker,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44but it's now part of a stronger cup of tea.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49APPLAUSE
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Whereas, if you take the bag out...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57..the tea is now quite weak
0:05:57 > 0:05:59and the bag itself goes directly in the bin.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04APPLAUSE
0:06:04 > 0:06:09That may be the smartest thing anyone has said
0:06:09 > 0:06:11in the last two months.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15If we do leave, will I need a passport for Pret a Manger?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19APPLAUSE
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I'll be honest with you, I've only just got used to saying "baguette"
0:06:22 > 0:06:25and I'll have to go back to "French stick", won't I?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28You won't be able to use the word "French".
0:06:28 > 0:06:31So just, "Can I have a stick?" It's going to be terrible!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I'll be honest with you, it is tough, innit?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39The name thing is right, though, isn't it?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41The EU has got such a bad name,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43the only way it could have a worse name
0:06:43 > 0:06:45is if it changed its name to Top Gear.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- APPLAUSE - But I do also think...
0:06:50 > 0:06:53..that for the Remain campaign, that might be the answer, because if they
0:06:53 > 0:06:57could just convince the EU to change its name to Sir David Attenborough,
0:06:57 > 0:06:58then everybody would love it.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I don't want to remain in Sir David Attenborough.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05You'll be lucky to get in there in the first place, pet, all right?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Just saying, he's a national treasure.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12He may be an old institution, but you can change him from within.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Just to confuse everyone, what we should do is,
0:07:17 > 0:07:19let's all agree to vote Remain,
0:07:19 > 0:07:23but then, at the next general election, let's all vote Ukip.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29APPLAUSE
0:07:29 > 0:07:33I do say, it is worrying, though, cos if we do vote out,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- it's quite likely that Scotland will want another referendum.- Yes.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39LONE CLAP IN AUDIENCE That guy in particular.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42The consequence of that, of course, is that for England it's Brexit,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45but for the United Kingdom, it's Fucks-It.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49If it was just England leaving the EU,
0:07:49 > 0:07:50would it just be called Exit?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:55APPLAUSE
0:07:57 > 0:08:01For me, the confusion with, like, the celebrities is that I saw that
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Katie Hopkins was - and this will surprise you...
0:08:04 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:07..she wants to leave.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11She wants to leave the EU, Katie Hopkins, so I was like,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"Great, that's my mind made up. I'm definitely staying."
0:08:14 > 0:08:18And then I found out Clarkson is voting for Remain.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19And I, personally, for me,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Hopkins-Clarkson
0:08:23 > 0:08:25is a harder decision than In or Out.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:30What's the deal with you staying here? If...
0:08:30 > 0:08:32See, I'm here, I'm allowed to stay here under...
0:08:32 > 0:08:35on a pre-existing Irish-English thing that goes back...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- Oh, don't get involved in that, mate.- OK.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38- LAUGHTER - Just leave it be.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- He says he's allowed to stay here. It's just him.- Yeah!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43There's a specific arrangement.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I don't come under the same convention.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47He's got to do a written exam next week.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50In the '20s, there was a letter delivered to the British government,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53saying, "In time, there will come one. One will arrive.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"And when the one comes, you must give him
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"a platform that befits the gravity of his message."
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- You're basically Neo.- Yeah, I'm Neo,
0:09:01 > 0:09:05but, you know, I'm not good with computers.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07We're going to have to move on.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Trust me, this is a topic we may return to over the next few weeks.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- Oh, OK.- Big thanks, by the way, to everyone watching the show last week
0:09:14 > 0:09:17who spotted a fly land on my head
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- in the middle of the show.- Wow.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:24They sent me, on Twitter, you know, in the way that it does,
0:09:24 > 0:09:25lots of people,
0:09:25 > 0:09:29just as I'm laughing at a comment that you're making, Hugh, "Ha-ha",
0:09:29 > 0:09:31when a fly lands on my head.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33And that's all I've heard of the entire show.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Literally, no joke was noticed by anyone other than people
0:09:35 > 0:09:38trying to screen grab that to send it to me.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Why did you not...? What's happened to your central nervous system
0:09:41 > 0:09:44that you were unaware that a fly had landed on your head?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Because it was...it was a fly, Hugh, rather than...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49It wasn't like a gazelle sat on my head.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Did, for a moment, you go, "It's growing back!"
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Yeah!
0:09:58 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:02APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- I think you look sweet with it. - It's like a tiny topknot.- Yeah.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Were you going for a tiny topknot? - Gathered all the strands.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- "I'm still down with the kids!" - Yeah!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I'm Zlatan!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I think it's more reminiscent of a little bird on the back of a hippo.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- HOLLY:- Aww.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Oh, wow!- Hey!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24If you really scale it up, though, you know.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28You think I'm in a symbiotic relationship - the fly cleans me?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31In exchange, I don't kill or eat the fly?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I like to think, if you zoom in on the fly, it's also going...
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Like you're both laughing at the same time.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42And if you zoom in really, really closely,
0:10:42 > 0:10:46there's this little bacteria on top of the fly, going...
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Just a happy chain.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:52At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Holly and Dave!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Now we play a round called Everything I Do, I Do It For EU.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:04This game involves Rob and James.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06If you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18The first subject is Going Out.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Rob.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I, uh, like going out and getting drunk. It's fun, innit?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I got so drunk the other week,
0:11:25 > 0:11:26it was the most hungover I've ever been.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29In the morning, I bought a McDonald's breakfast,
0:11:29 > 0:11:30and ate it in the queue for a Greggs.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33APPLAUSE
0:11:37 > 0:11:39And I still don't know if I'm ashamed or proud.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I don't like tequila, though. I don't like doing shots.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46It annoys me, tequila. It's too much admin, innit?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49It's like, "Oh, lick a bit of salt, eat a lemon."
0:11:49 > 0:11:51"What are you doing that for?" "It makes it taste nicer."
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It's not fish and chips, is it?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55No-one looks like they're enjoying it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Everyone looks panicked, don't they? They're always like...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00HE JIBBERS
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Oh, thank God for the salt and lemon.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04They're loving it, aren't they?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Do you know how to make a tequila nicer?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Do a tequila and have a Cadbury's Creme Egg.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Take the taste out of your mouth.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14The thing is, as well, though, I can't properly get on it now.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I'm, like, a bit older. I'm not saying I'm too old to get drunk.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19When I was 18, you don't care, do you? You can get battered.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Just get on with it, because hangovers,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23they say hangovers get worse. They don't, do they?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26You just have more shit to do when you're older. That's the problem.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28When I was 18, I'd be getting on it, someone goes,
0:12:28 > 0:12:29"Do you want some drugs?"
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I'm like, "Oh, I don't know. How will it affect me?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34"What will Mum think? Oh, my God, drugs!" Now, I'm on a night out
0:12:34 > 0:12:36and someone's like, "Do you want some drugs?"
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"Can't, mate." I've got to paint the fence tomorrow.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I don't want to be painting a fence all sad.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52All hot, sweaty and vulnerable, like...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54HE WHIMPERS
0:12:54 > 0:12:58"I was really looking forward to painting this fence last night.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02"I told everyone about it. I'm so hot, sweaty and sad."
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I'm more likely to keep hold of the drugs, do them in the morning
0:13:05 > 0:13:07before the fence, just smash it like that.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"I'll do the roof. Shall I do the roof? Let's do the roof."
0:13:10 > 0:13:12"We got no ladder." "I'm flying, Mum!"
0:13:12 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Rob.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21OK, that leaves us with James.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Let's see what topic you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28And it's Food And Drink.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Uh...I'm not like Rob.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:34 > 0:13:38I don't like going out and getting drunk. I like staying in.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I drink on my own. Way cooler, man.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I lock the door, I get myself a glass of punch.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Is that weird? I drink punch on my own. Is that strange?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I drink it from a big punch bowl with a ladle in it in the corner
0:13:51 > 0:13:53of my bedroom. Is that weird? I don't know what...
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I don't know what other people do.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57People are always worried about punch getting spiked.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Solo punch - problem solved.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05I'm not going to spike myself unless it's Fun Time Thursdays.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I tried going out with some mates recently. We hit the town.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I'm a prankster when I'm out with my friends.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18One of them left me alone with his pint while he went to the toilet.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Big mistake. It's a classic prank.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I always do this when someone leaves me alone with their pint.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I went round the bar using his pint to propose toasts with,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29deliberately proposing toasts to things I knew he disagreed with.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:38He comes back, has a sip - "Eurgh! What've you done with that?"
0:14:38 > 0:14:39I'm like, "Ha-ha-ha."
0:14:39 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER
0:14:41 > 0:14:45You just drank to the service charge being included in the bill.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49You just drank to those bedside lamps that don't have the switch
0:14:49 > 0:14:50on the cord, like is convenient,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53but have it on the neck of the lamp under the bulb.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55It's like a bolt you have to somehow slide across,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57and you can't even reach it like that.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00You've got to get your whole hand up inside the lampshade,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02It hurts. It's really awkward. You can't even see it.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05You've got to look in the top of the lampshade to see what you're doing,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07then you turn it on and it blinds you.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10You just drank to those lamps. You love those lamps.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Points for both of you. Come on. Very good.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Thank you very much.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Our next round is called
0:15:22 > 0:15:24If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26On the board are six categories.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Dane - which category would you like?- I'll take Sport, please.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Sport, OK.- Yes. - Your category is Sport.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33The answer is 24. What is the question?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36What's my age when it comes to Young Person's Railcards forever?
0:15:39 > 0:15:44That's not the correct answer but it's a good scheme.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Is it the number of people Jesus could have sat at the Last Supper,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49if he'd used both sides of the table?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52APPLAUSE
0:15:52 > 0:15:55That's a very good point.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Is it, according to Nigel Farage,
0:15:57 > 0:16:04how many of the Turkish population will be living in Turkey...in 2020?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Is it how many English hooligans
0:16:06 > 0:16:08do you need to take down one Russian Ultra?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Is it once the initial novelty has worn off,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18how many times a day does the average person regret
0:16:18 > 0:16:21buying that cuckoo clock?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Is it the age at which porn films think you're a MILF?
0:16:31 > 0:16:36Is it how many dance troupes was I kicked out of for being too edgy?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41How many more movies are left in the Fast And Furious franchise?
0:16:42 > 0:16:46After what age is life just an increasingly speedy
0:16:46 > 0:16:49descent into despair?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Is it when an English person and a European person
0:16:54 > 0:16:56share an advent calendar,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59how many chocolates does the English person think they deserve?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Is it on average, how many hours' sleep do you get every night...
0:17:07 > 0:17:08when you're dead?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15- That sounds nice!- It's not that, no, it's not that, no.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- This one's about football, innit. - Yeah.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Is it how many teams are in the Euros?- Yes, it is!- Yes, please!
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Well done. APPLAUSE
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Yes!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Yes, the question I was looking for is how many countries
0:17:27 > 0:17:30are competing in the UEFA European Championships in France this summer,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33making it the biggest in the tournament's history?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Three games a day at the moment. Enjoying it. Are we enjoying it?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Oh, God, yes.- Love it. - Love it.- Man.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Love the Euros.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42By the way, this is going out, as you know, I know that we don't
0:17:42 > 0:17:45want to ruin the magic of this, that people don't want to know that
0:17:45 > 0:17:47it's recorded on Tuesday and then goes out on Thursday,
0:17:47 > 0:17:51but of course this afternoon's game between England and Wales,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- we'd love to respond to that. - What a game that was.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- I think football was the winner, wasn't it?- No, maybe not,
0:17:56 > 0:17:57we don't know. That's even too specific.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00We can't even say that. There may have actually been a winner
0:18:00 > 0:18:02and therefore what you've just said makes no sense.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06What's up with Hugh? He's mad, he's mad, that Hugh!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09It isn't this far off - did you see Rio Ferdinand in the England game,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12in the first England game saying, "Well, you know, there were
0:18:12 > 0:18:14"a lot of expectations going into this game,
0:18:14 > 0:18:15"but you would expect that."
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Are there too many teams, though? Is it too big?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Is it going on too long? - I love it. I love the Euros.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I don't like England being in it because it's too stressful, innit?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26It's like a bad relationship, innit?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29You think it's going to get better, you know, it's changed,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32it's going to be good this time, your friends go, "No, it's not,"
0:18:32 > 0:18:33but it is, it is. But it's always the same,
0:18:33 > 0:18:37it's like a bad relationship - you just end up in tears at a barbecue.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I hope Leicester win.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43APPLAUSE
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Who are England players baby-sitting throughout the tournament?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Wayne Rooney?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- Oh, it's this tiny lion, isn't it? No, is it a lion?- It's a lion.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55It's a fluffy lion called Leo, yeah.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57They have to carry it around like they're on a stag do
0:18:57 > 0:19:00and one of them's at all times got to have the lion on them.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02In the papers, they keep going,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"The toy lion, they're carrying the toy lion."
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I don't think they need to put "toy lion."
0:19:07 > 0:19:08We know it's a toy.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10It's not like they go to an injury update,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"Rooney's pulled his calf
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"and Danny Rose has been mauled to death by the lion."
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I think it's sweet, you know, because the last thing that got
0:19:18 > 0:19:21passed around the England football team was a prostitute, so...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Well, we've not seen the back end of that lion,
0:19:26 > 0:19:27so we don't know what's happening.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Toy lion.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:43In other news, who celebrated their 90th birthday last weekend?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- About 400 people, probably.- Yeah, loads of them, actually, yeah.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Was it Bruce Forsyth's daughter?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58He IS old.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- It was of course Her Majesty the Queen.- Yes, it is.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- It's this lady here.- Oh, my God.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Did anyone watch the celebrations?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08At one point on that day,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10my five-year-old sang God Save The Queen to me.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Oh, my lord. - That's...created mixed emotions.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15For an Irish atheist.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I watched a little bit of it. It's very, very British, isn't it?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It cost 150 quid a head to go to this picnic in the Mall
0:20:24 > 0:20:27and you got a pork pie, you got a pac-a-mac,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30and it's full of people going, "Do you know what?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"The EU is SUCH a waste of money!"
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I read a quote that someone said and they said,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37"What could be more British than standing in the rain
0:20:37 > 0:20:39"wearing a poncho?" And I thought,
0:20:39 > 0:20:40"Well, that's pretty Peruvian."
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Oh, soon the Queen will be here...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47MIMES THE SOUND OF PANPIPES
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I'm not that against the Queen and the royal family,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54but I'm against people that LOVE the Queen
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- and the royal family.- Yeah.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I mean, when I see someone in a Union Jack pac-a-mac. Fuck off!
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Well, you've got to understand,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05these people have a very dear relationship with the Queen.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06And it's very personal to them,
0:21:06 > 0:21:12so they line the streets and she waves at them to celebrate all the
0:21:12 > 0:21:16times in the past when they've lined the streets and she's waved at them.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22APPLAUSE
0:21:22 > 0:21:25It's weird, isn't it? They take the number plate, didn't have a
0:21:25 > 0:21:28number plate on those cars, so you don't know whose they are.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31And then she's just sticking out of the top of it.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33If you had her number plate,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- you might be able to trace her address.- Yeah.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39OK. What's going on here?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46It looks like he's dropped his hat down a hole and he's looking for it.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Is this Worst Skydive Ever?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Is he saying, "Ooh, I can hear the Victoria Line!"
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Prince Charles poisons the wrong person?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES'S VOICE: - Damn! I was aiming at Mother!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Maybe he just died of embarrassment
0:22:08 > 0:22:10because he turned up in the same thing.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Does anyone know what it actually is?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- A bloke has got his cock stuck in a drain.- Yeah, that's it.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22He's fronting it out, though, isn't he? He's fronting it out!
0:22:22 > 0:22:26"You guys carry on with your manoeuvres, I'll be doing this!"
0:22:26 > 0:22:29He's misunderstood the phrase "manhole".
0:22:31 > 0:22:36- It's a geezer on the floor, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37APPLAUSE
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Yep, he's one of the guards of the Household Division
0:22:41 > 0:22:43who fainted during the Trooping The Colour.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- Oh!- Yes. It happens all the time, apparently.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46That is the moment of kapoom.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Aren't these the guards that don't move?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50So how do we know that they haven't all fallen over
0:22:50 > 0:22:53and maybe the ground has come up and he's just stayed there?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59And everybody else was like, "Earthquake!"
0:22:59 > 0:23:00And he was like, "I've got a duty!"
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- That's the problem with photos, isn't it, Dane?- Yeah.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Because you don't know what's happening, do you?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Do you ever think that the actual people who guard the Queen,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12the actual, like, the Secret Service guys whose job actually is to
0:23:12 > 0:23:15guard the Queen, do you think they watch this and just think,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"You bunch of silly tarts"?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19From what? It's not like, you know,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21she's constantly getting into scrapes.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I'm just musing for humorous effect.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I have to be honest with you, Dara, I hadn't thought it seriously.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29But what I heard, the Queen's going "Right, let's go for a rumble!"
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"Oh, not again, Your Majesty."
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"Everybody into a ninja formation."
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Are you saying because the Queen
0:23:34 > 0:23:38doesn't go around starting fistfights,
0:23:38 > 0:23:43- that therefore the people who guard her, it's a piss-easy job?- Yes.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46There are all capable of doing this, but they never have to do it
0:23:46 > 0:23:49because the Queen doesn't go down to Wetherspoon's and go - doink! -
0:23:49 > 0:23:52"Oh, hello! Is there a problem?"
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- She might not, but Philip probably does a lot.- Yeah.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00OK. At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:24:08 > 0:24:09I'll read out this week's topics
0:24:09 > 0:24:12and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Dear National Geographic Channel,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25when will the Nazis be building some more mega structures?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I can't wait for series two.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29BUZZER
0:24:29 > 0:24:32APPLAUSE
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Dear Boomerang TV,
0:24:35 > 0:24:36why does my letter keep coming back?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:39APPLAUSE
0:24:39 > 0:24:41BUZZER
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Dear Dave, you repeat Mock The Week so often,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I swear I've seen Holly Walsh do this joke before.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49LAUGHTER
0:24:49 > 0:24:51BUZZER
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Dear Babestation,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56when are you actually going to show the film Babe?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:00BUZZER
0:25:00 > 0:25:03APPLAUSE
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Dear Top Gear, your show has nothing to do with cocaine.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08LAUGHTER
0:25:08 > 0:25:09BUZZER
0:25:09 > 0:25:11APPLAUSE
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Dear ITV 2, is it possible to actually contract
0:25:14 > 0:25:16an STD just from watching Geordie Shore?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18LAUGHTER
0:25:18 > 0:25:20BUZZER
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Dear Netflix, I am so disappointed
0:25:23 > 0:25:26by how much buffering happens on...
0:25:26 > 0:25:29LAUGHTER
0:25:29 > 0:25:31BUZZER
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Dear History Channel, I really enjoyed your documentary
0:25:33 > 0:25:36about what panel shows were like 15 years...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Oh, no, wait, no, I'm watching Dave.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:41BUZZER
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Dear CBeebies,
0:25:43 > 0:25:48I have three beebies and my beebies love to watch CBeebies...
0:25:48 > 0:25:49from, their deedie.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER
0:25:52 > 0:25:55BUZZER
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Dear History Channel,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59the past is the past, mate, you've got to let it go.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:02APPLAUSE
0:26:02 > 0:26:05BUZZER
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Dear BBC, your documentary on binge drinking really
0:26:08 > 0:26:09ruined my pre-drinks.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Dear Dave,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18you repeat Mock The Week so often
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I swear I've already seen Holly do this joke.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22LAUGHTER
0:26:22 > 0:26:25BUZZER
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Dear Al Jazeera,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29why no music from the jazz era?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:32APPLAUSE
0:26:32 > 0:26:34BUZZER
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Dear Babestation, what are you doing to mark the forthcoming
0:26:39 > 0:26:41centenary of women's suffrage?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:46APPLAUSE
0:26:46 > 0:26:49BUZZER
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Dear Al Jazeera, I wonder if we're related.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Yours, Dave Jazeera.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56APPLAUSE
0:26:56 > 0:26:57BUZZER
0:26:57 > 0:26:59OK, the next topic is...
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# Tell me more, tell me more, did you... #
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Actually, don't tell us,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09because we at the T-Birds don't do slut shaming.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:13BUZZER
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Have you seen Spider-Man?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17He's been shot to pieces.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19He's all over the web.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:22BUZZER
0:27:24 > 0:27:26We have to save the President.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Or, depending on how the election goes,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30we have to save everybody from the President.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:34BUZZER
0:27:34 > 0:27:35APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Yo! Adrian!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Sorry, I thought you were Adrian.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:43BUZZER
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Batman versus Superman...
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Late kick-off.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53BUZZER
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Hey, Optimus Prime,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00how about transforming this box of shit into a decent script?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02LAUGHTER
0:28:02 > 0:28:03BUZZER
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Oh, look, several women in their 50s.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:11BUZZER
0:28:13 > 0:28:16But my children are stuck in there with a monster.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18We have to go back and... You know what, fuck 'em.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20LAUGHTER
0:28:20 > 0:28:23BUZZER
0:28:23 > 0:28:24He's already beaten Superman.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Now it's time for his toughest challenge -
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Batman versus Rain Man.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30LAUGHTER
0:28:30 > 0:28:31BUZZER
0:28:32 > 0:28:34I'll be back.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35And if you're not in this time,
0:28:35 > 0:28:37you'll have to pick it up from the depot.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40LAUGHTER
0:28:40 > 0:28:42It's good news and bad news, Captain.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44We can't find Spock, but we have found Nemo
0:28:44 > 0:28:49and someone thinks they've spotted Private Ryan.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52BUZZER
0:28:52 > 0:28:57You're struggling with those chopsticks. Use the fork, Luke.
0:28:57 > 0:28:58BUZZER
0:28:58 > 0:29:00APPLAUSE
0:29:00 > 0:29:02I'm Freddie, welcome to Elm Street,
0:29:02 > 0:29:06the nightmare trying to find affordable housing. Mwa-ha-ha!
0:29:06 > 0:29:09LAUGHTER
0:29:09 > 0:29:10BUZZER
0:29:10 > 0:29:11APPLAUSE
0:29:11 > 0:29:14I will kill Bill.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Or, depending on what he goes by, Killiam William.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19LAUGHTER
0:29:19 > 0:29:23APPLAUSE
0:29:23 > 0:29:27I'm sorry, James, we have to include the international dialling code.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29You are now 00447.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32APPLAUSE
0:29:32 > 0:29:35BUZZER
0:29:35 > 0:29:40I'm not going to sponsor you on another 5K run, Forrest.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42BUZZER
0:29:42 > 0:29:44The X stands for xylophone
0:29:44 > 0:29:48and the Xylophone Men don't take shit from nobody.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50LAUGHTER
0:29:50 > 0:29:52APPLAUSE
0:29:52 > 0:29:57At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.
0:29:57 > 0:30:02APPLAUSE
0:30:02 > 0:30:05That's the end of the show. This week's winners are...
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:30:07 > 0:30:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:11 > 0:30:15Commiserations to Dane Baptiste, Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Thank you for watching.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:24 > 0:30:30# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:30 > 0:30:35# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:35 > 0:30:38# Read all about it
0:30:38 > 0:30:41# Read all about it
0:30:41 > 0:30:42# News of the World
0:30:42 > 0:30:44# News of the World. #