0:00:03 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
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0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:21# News of the world
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:29# News of the world
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34This programme contains some strong language
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Miles Jupp, Ed Byrne and Rob Beckett,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54I show the panel a topical image
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58So, teams, what's going on here?
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Cameron is saying, "You cradle the pig's head like so..."
0:01:06 > 0:01:10He's probably saying, "And this is how I would snog Angela Merkel."
0:01:11 > 0:01:13He's just gesticulated. What he doesn't realise,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16he's actually doing sign language for "Vote Leave".
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I thought the Brexiteers missed a trick
0:01:20 > 0:01:23by not calling the opposition Remainians.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Is it "Madame Tussauds finally tracks down missing Cameron"?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Possibly he's just practising the bit in his resignation speech
0:01:39 > 0:01:41where he strangles Boris Johnson...
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Is it a nice guy just doing his best?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:54No. Does anyone know what it is?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I've a suspicion...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58that that is David Cameron.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01There we go. Yes, of course.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Congratulations, Hugh.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Yes, this is David Cameron
0:02:09 > 0:02:11campaigning for Britain to remain in the European Union.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14This week, Cameron declared he'd continue as Prime Minister
0:02:14 > 0:02:17regardless of the result of today's historic referendum.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Have you enjoyed the last six weeks of
0:02:19 > 0:02:21the to and fro of the European referendum debate?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24You know what? It makes me look forward to the time where we
0:02:24 > 0:02:25have to make Wimbledon funny again.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29I think... I think it's been
0:02:29 > 0:02:32a really bonding experience for us all, hasn't it?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I think we're going to look back on this and think of it as
0:02:34 > 0:02:37a happy time in our nation...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39on a par with things like the Black Death.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Isn't it a bit odd that we're even talking about it though?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Because the polls have just closed...
0:02:46 > 0:02:48The only news that's going to come through quickly
0:02:48 > 0:02:51is the first of the polling areas, which is Gibraltar.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53So, Gibraltar announces before anyone does
0:02:53 > 0:02:57and we're all on tenterhooks to hear how Gibraltar's going to go.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01You're pretty much in Europe no matter what way you vote, Gibraltar.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I'm afraid Spain ain't going away, right?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07So it doesn't matter how many armies of monkeys you train to climb
0:03:07 > 0:03:09a mountain and stare across at them,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12you're going to be there for some time, no matter what.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15So much has been said, though, about Brexit, no-one cares any more.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17They've run out of people to ask. On Sky News on Monday,
0:03:17 > 0:03:22they were talking to Michelle off The Apprentice and June Sarpong.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I don't care what they think.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25I didn't vote at all.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Last time I tried to vote they said,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30"All you have to do is put your X in a box."
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Would Janet get in a box?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36APPLAUSE
0:03:39 > 0:03:41But we're in an awkward kind of thing - might have passed,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44might not have passed, might have gone, might be in Europe,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46might be out of Europe. We don't know.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Tomorrow morning, it could be Brexit and then all the bananas
0:03:49 > 0:03:52go back to what bananas looked like before the EU made them nice and...
0:03:52 > 0:03:55we'll walk into Tesco - "What the hell is that!?"
0:03:55 > 0:03:56And they'll go, "These are what
0:03:56 > 0:03:58"bananas are actually supposed to look like.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"We've been airbrushing bananas for the last 40 years
0:04:00 > 0:04:01"cos the EU told us."
0:04:01 > 0:04:05And we'll all be going, "No! Give me back my bananas!"
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- It doesn't matter what happens.- Yes, Miles, that's what we'll be doing.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10We'll be screaming, "Bananas."
0:04:10 > 0:04:12But it is the problem, it's stuff like that that people...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14There was one article I read that said
0:04:14 > 0:04:18if we have left the EU, we could end up with a national shortage of wine.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19SILENCE
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Yeah, now everyone's engaged.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:24No!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I've got a strategy, right? For a start, we stop wine tasters
0:04:27 > 0:04:29spitting it out cos that's a waste.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Unless they're going to spit it directly into my mouth, they can forget that.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Would you walk around at a fancy...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37HE HUMS: Minuetto by Boccherini
0:04:37 > 0:04:42..and you're there behind them, like a baby bird, going, "Aaaaah,"
0:04:42 > 0:04:44while they regurgitate their wine?
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I've got other strategies. We stop selling wine in Lidl.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Poor people don't need wine. They've got cider. That's fine.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER
0:04:53 > 0:04:57In that photo, does the other side of that mug say, "..deep shit"?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01APPLAUSE
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I'll tell you, if Boris Johnson runs for Prime Minister,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I'm going to run against him.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11CHEERING
0:05:15 > 0:05:18We don't want that idiot with stupid hair.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:22APPLAUSE
0:05:22 > 0:05:23ROB LAUGHS
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Michael Gove...
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Michael Gove has said he doesn't want to be leader, doesn't he?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31And he brilliantly said last week, he doesn't want to be leader so,
0:05:31 > 0:05:36"Whatever posters you have on your wall, don't put up one of me."
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- It's the most unnecessary... - LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:41It's interesting, actually, what the POLLS said.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46Because the POLES said, "Well, can we finish the house or not?"
0:05:46 > 0:05:47APPLAUSE
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Yes, all right, you don't have to go for a couple of years.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Finish the house, for God's sake.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Everyone's being a hypocrite about it cos I heard a woman round my way
0:05:57 > 0:05:59go, "Well, if we vote Leave, I've had enough,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02"I'll just move to my place in Spain permanently."
0:06:05 > 0:06:08The main thing is, though, it's been a very poisonous debate
0:06:08 > 0:06:10but it's over now and we can all be friends again
0:06:10 > 0:06:12and let's never speak of Europe again.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14That's it, it's done, and we tied a bow on the whole thing.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Poor old June Sarpong's going to be out of work but never mind.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21In other news, what's going on here?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24These are twins.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I'd say he's really saying, "Shut up, you're not my real dad."
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Is Rooney saying,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"Hey, no-one's noticed my beer mat collection behind us."
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Is St Etienne the patron saint of lost causes?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Is it just two decent men trying to do their best?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51APPLAUSE
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Is Rooney saying to Hodgson, "I've shagged your nan"?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- LAUGHTER AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Oh!
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Boom!
0:07:04 > 0:07:05He's probably saying,
0:07:05 > 0:07:09"I may be 103 but I've got more of my own hair than laughing boy here."
0:07:12 > 0:07:14APPLAUSE
0:07:16 > 0:07:18And to add to our injury woes,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Rooney's eyebrow is stuck in the up position.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26He had a terrible eyebrow strain in the 85th minute.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Just a bloke looking at another bloke, isn't it?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Stop focusing on the picture.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Now it sounds like it's a Magic Eye.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Stop looking at the picture. Let's look beyond the picture.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- I can see...- What's...? - I can see misery.
0:07:43 > 0:07:49Yes. Yes, it's England in Euro 2016 who have been exciting, and thrilling to watch.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52The important thing is Russia are out - which is good,
0:07:52 > 0:07:53which makes life...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55APPLAUSE
0:07:55 > 0:07:57And that makes life easier
0:07:57 > 0:07:59for everybody else's hooligans doesn't it?
0:07:59 > 0:08:00It was kind of...
0:08:00 > 0:08:03They were too professional about it, weren't they?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05They put too much effort in really, didn't they?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07All the other countries... When they said that the
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Russians are highly trained and they're moving through like
0:08:10 > 0:08:13SWAT teams, and they're militarily trained, and all 23 other countries
0:08:13 > 0:08:15in the Euros went, "Really? I never expected that"
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Apart from Ukraine.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19LAUGHTER
0:08:19 > 0:08:21They were pretty well organised. But then other times,
0:08:21 > 0:08:25didn't they use a flare in the stadium to signal when to kick off?
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Yes.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29What's wrong with a WhatsApp group? It's 2016.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:32DARA MIMICS MOBILE PHONE
0:08:32 > 0:08:35We're kicking off now. A flare is tremendously camp as well.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40Whoosh! Let's go people! Whoosh!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43They also did that thing didn't they...? So some of the hooligans
0:08:43 > 0:08:46when they attacked the English fans shouted apparently,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48because Maria Sharapova had been banned for
0:08:48 > 0:08:51doping, they all shouted, "This is for Maria," as they charged the English.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Can you imagine England fans charging Russians going,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55"This is for Tim Henman"?
0:08:55 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:09:00I just love as well how all the Russian hooligans are all
0:09:00 > 0:09:01like teetotal, aren't they?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- They're all really straight. - They're really into that.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Yet all their athletes are off their tits.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- They've got it the wrong way round. - They've not worked it out at all.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12If football supporters are fighting there's not much the footballers can do about it.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Archery supporters - very well behaved.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Any other countries you've enjoyed watching?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Wales. I'm not a football fan but I love an underdog, right?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30And Wales, in this tournament,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32it looks like they're really putting Wales on the map.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Because until now, other countries just thought Wales
0:09:35 > 0:09:37was a unit of measurement for de-forestation.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I live in Wales and that is the... I can hear, there's a pub
0:09:43 > 0:09:46quite near me, so I can definitely hear when Wales have scored a goal.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I can't hear who they're playing against and I'm
0:09:48 > 0:09:51not going to wander in and ask but I can definitely...
0:09:51 > 0:09:52I think you'll be...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54ADOPTS POSH ACCENT: "Hello, who are you playing?"
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"Who's on the receiving end, you old dogs?"
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- ADOPTS POSH ACCENT:- "If you could keep it down. Just a... Hmm?"
0:10:04 > 0:10:09"Temper your national joy for the sake of, oh sleepy time."
0:10:09 > 0:10:10LAUGHTER
0:10:10 > 0:10:14The worst thing about watching it in the pub is though, just cos it's
0:10:14 > 0:10:16England they think they can throw beer everywhere.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I hate watching it in a pub. They're just like, "Oh!"
0:10:18 > 0:10:20You're sort of thinking, "I'll just take 1-0.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"I've got new trainers on." Do you know what I mean?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Watching England this time round is a bit
0:10:25 > 0:10:27like the EU Referendum in a sense, isn't it?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30A lot of crosses in the box and nothing much will happen.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:10:35 > 0:10:38At the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Milton.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Now we play a round called Mocky McMockface.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50This game involves Miles and Milton
0:10:50 > 0:10:53so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04The first subject is...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Travel. Miles.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I'll tell you what's wrong with trains. It's the quiet coach, OK?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Quiet, that is an adjective, it doesn't go far enough.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Quiet is an adjective.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It should be called the silent coach. Shouldn't it? The silent...
0:11:19 > 0:11:23No-one would have any trouble understanding that. It's the silent coach. You can't talk on it,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26you can't use your laptop, children can't travel on it, you can't eat crisps.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29And crucially, crucially they, the train people,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31they wouldn't be allowed to make announcements.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Because the sort of people that have the mentality to travel
0:11:36 > 0:11:39on the quiet coach, which is the correct mentality, are the sort of
0:11:39 > 0:11:43people who check where the train is going before they bloody get on it.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:48 > 0:11:52For years, we've just not got these things right. A Mock the Week audience,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54you're exactly the sort of people that know what I'm talking about.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56In Russia during the revolution, right...
0:11:56 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER
0:11:59 > 0:12:02During the Russian Revolution the Russian army was able to
0:12:02 > 0:12:04travel to all of its battles by train.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09During the revolution they were still able to rely on public transport.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Imagine if we had a revolution now and the Army had to rely on transport,
0:12:12 > 0:12:13we'd be buggered, wouldn't we?
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Certainly those of us who wanted the Army to win.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Absolute nightmare, wouldn't it?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Marsden Moor 2016 kicked off and the British Army turning
0:12:22 > 0:12:25up seven hours late to every single conflict.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29"Oh, sorry, there were leaves on the line at Stevenage."
0:12:29 > 0:12:32"There was a passenger action at Crewe."
0:12:32 > 0:12:34"We were going to be joined by the SAS but they've been
0:12:34 > 0:12:37"stuck on a rail replacement bus service from Hereford."
0:12:37 > 0:12:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Thank you very much, Miles.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47OK, that leaves Milton.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Let's see what topic you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51And the subject is Music.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59We don't know much about Galileo.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02He was a poor boy from a poor family.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I live in a Grade II listed building which of course means that
0:13:09 > 0:13:12everyone in it has to be quite good at the piano.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Apparently all Chinese children who are learning to play the piano
0:13:19 > 0:13:21know a tune called Knife And Fork.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I'd like to take the band Abba out for lunch
0:13:33 > 0:13:35and if I could I would, my friend.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37For Nandos.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:48When I was at school and it rained we used to have to stay in for wet play
0:13:48 > 0:13:52and when it was cold we used to have to stay in and listen to this really dull band.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54LAUGHTER
0:13:55 > 0:13:59AD 79, Julius Caesar receives the first ever weather forecast.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03HE MIMICS FANFARE
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Hail, Caesar.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Thank you very much. The points there go to Milton Jones. Come back.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27On the board are six categories.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Angela, which category would you like?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30I will have Science please, Dara.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Excellent. Science it is.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36The answer is 186 days. What is the question?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Is it how long you have to work
0:14:37 > 0:14:41before you qualify for a loo break at Sports Direct?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Is it if Donald Trump becomes President how long has
0:14:50 > 0:14:51the Earth got left?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Is it, "What is the guaranteed time to a perfect beach-bod
0:15:02 > 0:15:04"with the Miles Jupp Gin And Cured Meat diet?"
0:15:04 > 0:15:07LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Just in time for Christmas then!
0:15:09 > 0:15:10We'd holiday abroad.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Is it, "How many days are there
0:15:14 > 0:15:17"in the North Korean month of Kim-tober?"
0:15:17 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Is it, "How long will we have to
0:15:23 > 0:15:25"queue for a loaf of bread if we leave the EU?"
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Is it, "How long should it take to get to an inconvenient store?"
0:15:30 > 0:15:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Is it, "How much of his life can Charlie Sheen remember?"
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Is it, "If you want to have a dinner party to remember,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44"how long should you leave out the prawns?"
0:15:44 > 0:15:46LAUGHTER
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Is it, "What would the film 127 Hours have been called
0:15:55 > 0:15:58"if it had been his penis that was trapped?"
0:16:00 > 0:16:02"I'll give it a few more weeks and then decide.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"Surely somebody will come past!"
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Is it, "How long would it take to tumble-dry a circus tent?"
0:16:09 > 0:16:11LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:21"How long does it take Craig David
0:16:21 > 0:16:25"to comprehensively seduce 26.6 women?"
0:16:25 > 0:16:27LAUGHTER
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Does he say that? "You have been comprehensively seduced."
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Miles, how would you comprehensively seduce someone?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Oh, you know when it's over, Rob.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40What is the actual answer, please?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Is it, "How long was Tim Peake in space?"
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Absolutely, thank you very much, Ed Byrne. Well done, very good.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47APPLAUSE
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Yes, the question I was looking for is,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"How long was Major Tim Peake on the International Space Station
0:16:53 > 0:16:55"before he returned to Earth this week?"
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Yes, there he is in a deck chair, not doing a tap.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01The only reason he'd come back was the Russian bloke on
0:17:01 > 0:17:04the space station snuck up behind him and hit him with a bar stool.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I watched the news report about it,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10but I'm hard of hearing, so I use the subtitles.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12And it genuinely said that he
0:17:12 > 0:17:14was up in space for six months without gravy,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17and it took me ages to realise they meant gravity!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20To be fair, he was without both, and I couldn't do it.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27I mean, there's very... That anti-gravy machine they have...
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I'm sorry, I just realised there's a fucking box under my...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32No wonder I've got no space, look at this!
0:17:32 > 0:17:33What is it?
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Just found that!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:41The whole show I've been going, "It's a bit tight down here, innit?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:44What artefacts have you discovered?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I dunno! And I've dropped me drink, this is an absolute nightmare.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51It's on the carpet, I'm afraid.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53He set a lot of records when he was in space,
0:17:53 > 0:17:54- didn't he, Tim Peake?- He did.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57But it was kind of like, once he got into space, that was the hard part,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59and then just everything he did,
0:17:59 > 0:18:00he was the first person to do it in space.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02It was just like, he was the first person to
0:18:02 > 0:18:04get on the New Year's Honours List - in space.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07He was the first person to do a marathon - in space.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Once you get into space, that's you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12If I got into space, I could set records for
0:18:12 > 0:18:15first man to clean his glasses on his underpants...
0:18:17 > 0:18:18..in space.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21He did run a marathon up there, didn't he? And I thought,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I'd run a marathon if I had an option to float bits of it.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER
0:18:27 > 0:18:30"Just set the treadmill on really fast, I'll just hover above it."
0:18:31 > 0:18:34"I haven't hit the wall yet, when's the wall coming?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37"I've got to be honest, this is so difficult(!)
0:18:37 > 0:18:39"Aaah! I've done four miles already!"
0:18:39 > 0:18:41He did the marathon, he didn't do any football,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43because they wouldn't have got past the coin toss.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- What did he do up there? - He did experiments up there.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57He basically did media. He didn't have time to do experiments!
0:18:57 > 0:18:58No, you saw him do media...
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- He did six months of experiments. - What experiments did he do?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03250 different experiments of different things in zero gravity.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06He's a decent guy...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Any Americans watching it, I mean, it's incredibly, you know,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13we're excited, but the Americans must be watching it going
0:19:13 > 0:19:17"You are literally 40 years behind us."
0:19:17 > 0:19:19There were Americans as well, you know, in this,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21that's all the Americans are doing as well.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Are you going to shut down every comical notion we bring to you?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26"Yes, but he was in space, leave him alone!"
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Respect the spaceman! Respect him!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- "I love science, and everything's OK, because it's science!"- I...
0:19:31 > 0:19:32"I will not have jokes about astronauts,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"because he's gone up there and done experiments that
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"I don't know exactly what they are, I've just been told."
0:19:37 > 0:19:40You think he's bluffing that, that, actually...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42He is on a blag, mate. He's been up there...
0:19:43 > 0:19:46The slightly sad thing about it is, he's the first British astronaut,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49but he is representing the European Space Agency, isn't it?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52So if there is Brexit, the next British astronaut
0:19:52 > 0:19:54is going to be in a hot-air balloon on a very long...
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I think he deserves all the honours he's getting,
0:19:58 > 0:19:59because it is a dangerous mission to get
0:19:59 > 0:20:02that much closer to the sun when you're that ginger.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:10It was sort of ridiculous that when
0:20:10 > 0:20:12the guy from the European Space Agency was asked,
0:20:12 > 0:20:13"How will he feel?" He said,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16"Well, I think he's going to be a bit shocked by gravity"
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You think, he's got a very short memory.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22"Whoa, what's this business, whoa!"
0:20:22 > 0:20:25He's been up there six months with no atmosphere,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28so to ease him back in they've taken him to the new Top Gear studio.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- Whoa!- Whoa!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Boom!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Take that, Chris Evans!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38His first comment when he came out was that the Earth
0:20:38 > 0:20:40smelled really strongly of earth,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and everybody sort of shuffled uncomfortably and went,
0:20:42 > 0:20:43"That's just Kazakhstan."
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I like the way he said, "I'm looking forward to spending some time
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"with my wife and having my first shower for six months."
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Like, other way round, mate.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Unless she likes him a bite game-y, I'd do it the other way round.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Game-y!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- So how do they wash in space?- They get a cloth. They wash with a cloth.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Just with a cloth?- Hang him upside down.- Dirty bastard.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08So, would you like to go in space.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Um, yeah, no, it's really... Oh, hello.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Jesus Christ, what's with the fucking flies?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Oh, Tim Peake's not here, is he?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Smelly bastard Tim Peake's up and turned up.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Are you certain, Dara, that no part of you is dying?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26ED LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Flies... Flies are attracted to corpses,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35you are correct, but they're not attracted to the dying.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Flies don't follow old people... - Are you actually dead, then?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Flies don't follow old people around
0:21:40 > 0:21:42as an omen. "Oh, hello. Mrs Jenkins,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45"Mrs Jenkins from 13B, the flies have gathered."
0:21:47 > 0:21:49They're not vultures, they don't hover,
0:21:49 > 0:21:50waiting for you to breathe your last.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Where do you piss, as well, in space?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55In space, there's a funnel. A funnel with a vacuum in it.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, quality. That's felt nice, innit?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00"I need to go to the toilet again!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03"Ooooh..."
0:22:03 > 0:22:05"He's drinking a lot!"
0:22:07 > 0:22:08I imagine...
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Is Elvis your cum face?
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Yeah.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15"A-huh-huh, a-huh-huh..."
0:22:17 > 0:22:19"A-huh-huh, a-huh-huh...
0:22:19 > 0:22:20"One for the money..."
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Just to talk about something slightly cleaner,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25do you suppose the novelty of pooing in a bag ever wears off?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Do you have to do it in a bag? Is it just floating about?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- You could catch it, I suppose, like a butterfly net.- Yeah!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36"Got you...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"Do you know what? I'll go up and get a few of them
0:22:38 > 0:22:39"when there's more collected."
0:22:42 > 0:22:44At the end, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Milton!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53so if everyone could make their way over to the performance area,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I'll read out this week's topics and
0:22:55 > 0:22:59we'll see what our panellists can come up with. OK, here we go.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01The first subject is...
0:23:06 > 0:23:09"Thunderbirds are go!"
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Is what I shout at orgasm.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:16 > 0:23:19No, Laa-Laa, I'm afraid you're not tellytubby, you're telly-obese,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21and if you're not careful, you'll get telly-diabetes.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25BUZZER
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Don't ask your parents' permission before you phone.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Those dicks will only say no.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33BUZZER
0:23:33 > 0:23:35And on today's Horrible Histories,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37a 1970s episode of Top Of The Pops.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Right, young Womble, today we're going to destroy
0:23:44 > 0:23:48the Wimbledon Tennis Championships and get rid of all this
0:23:48 > 0:23:51dog poo from the common. Get yourself a golf club...
0:23:54 > 0:23:56BUZZER
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Well, if you're not having an affair,
0:23:58 > 0:23:59whose square pants are these?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03BUZZER
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Well, things are hotting up in Balamory
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Archie's been radicalised.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14BUZZER
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Well, Miss Hoolie, I'm wondering
0:24:17 > 0:24:21if I'm going to be regretting this job in 14 years.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22BUZZER
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Mr Tumble, you're 43. Grow up, for fuck's sake.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30BUZZER
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Johnny's dad said, "Do your revision!"
0:24:35 > 0:24:38So Johnny left school and entered the Eurovision Song Contest.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43BUZZER
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Daddy Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Mummy Bear said,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51"It was probably your whore, Linda."
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Just three more blobs of glue
0:25:00 > 0:25:02and that's a massive cock and balls there.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05BUZZER
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- AMERICAN ACCENT:- And the janitor would have got away with it, too,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10if it hadn't been for the photographs
0:25:10 > 0:25:12he'd taken of those pesky kids.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20# Yodel delivery driver Pat Yodel delivery driver Pat
0:25:23 > 0:25:25# He's thrown your parcel in a hedge. #
0:25:32 > 0:25:35And now it's time for our resident band of children violinists.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Please welcome The Kiddie Fiddlers!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44And now Peppa Pig...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47is a recipe on Saturday Kitchen.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49BUZZER
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Let's see what's happening over at the Magic Roundabout.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Yep, more dogging.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58BUZZER
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Just remember, your Blue Peter badge can get you in free
0:26:02 > 0:26:05at over 200 strip clubs and lap dancing establishments.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07BUZZER
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Look, Igglepiggle. It's the Ninky Nonk. Oh, the...
0:26:14 > 0:26:16HE SIGHS
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Olivier said my Hamlet made him weep like a little girl.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29OK...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31the next subject is...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Wayne Rooney's come out covered in Formica.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I think the manager's told them to play as a unit.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44BUZZER
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Rooney is playing in the pocket.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Oh, that's unpleasant.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53BUZZER
0:26:55 > 0:26:59And England go through on penalties!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01BUZZER
0:27:02 > 0:27:04And the French mascot
0:27:04 > 0:27:06is seven-year-old Lucien Dubois from Nice,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10showing us all how to smoke a cigarette with real panache there.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12BUZZER
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Oh, that is an absolutely shocking decision by the referee.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Black shorts, black shirt.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I'm sure the girls will agree with me way too matchy-matchy.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24BUZZER
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Let's not forget that Roy Keane and Martin Skrtel
0:27:30 > 0:27:32were club mates at Real Sociopath.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35BUZZER
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Oh, that is an absolute beauty! Swedish, about 25.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Well done, Dirty Dave, on camera five.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46BUZZER
0:27:46 > 0:27:49The England front three are trying to get in behind
0:27:49 > 0:27:51but the WAGs are having none of it.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54BUZZER
0:27:56 > 0:27:59And the crowd invade the pitch, and the French officials have...
0:27:59 > 0:28:01surrendered?
0:28:02 > 0:28:03BUZZER
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Oh, did that cross the line?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Seemed a bit racist to me.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14BUZZER
0:28:15 > 0:28:19Well, next for us it's Iceland Turkey,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22and when that's defrosted, it's England Slovakia.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25BUZZER
0:28:25 > 0:28:31And Russia have gone for a 4-3-3-7-8-10-1-9-16 formation.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33We're never going to get out of this alley.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37BUZZER
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Well, let's look at the stats.
0:28:39 > 0:28:44In the first half, I was responsible for 90% of the cliches.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45And that really is
0:28:45 > 0:28:47the icing on the cake.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50BUZZER
0:28:53 > 0:28:55And the Swedes are out!
0:28:55 > 0:28:58He really should have worn tighter shorts.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00BUZZER
0:29:01 > 0:29:03So, who's up for the World Cup in Russia? Guys?
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Guys?
0:29:06 > 0:29:07BUZZER
0:29:07 > 0:29:09It's Ronaldo down the wing,
0:29:09 > 0:29:12doing what he did a minute ago, and he's slightly slower.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14This is the replay, isn't it? Yes, it is.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27Goal! Well, they say, cometh the hour, cometh the man.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30And I have. I'm just off to get some more pants.
0:29:30 > 0:29:31BUZZER
0:29:32 > 0:29:37At the end of that round, points go to Rob, Ed and Miles.
0:29:48 > 0:29:49That's the end of the show.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53This week's winners are Miles Jupp, Ed Byrne and Rob Beckett!
0:29:53 > 0:29:54APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:56 > 0:30:00Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis, and Milton Jones.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:14 > 0:30:18# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:20 > 0:30:25# Read all about it Read all about it
0:30:25 > 0:30:28# News of the world News of the world. #