0:00:03 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Read all about it Read all about it... #
0:00:28 > 0:00:35This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. And what a week it's been.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week
0:00:41 > 0:00:43are Rhys James, Zoe Lyons and Rob Beckett,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:54We start with a round called
0:00:54 > 0:00:56If This is the Answer What is the Question?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58On the board are six categories.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Rhys, which category would you like?
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Um... Home News, please, Dara.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Home News as the category?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07That's an interesting choice.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Let's see what's happened this week at home.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Your category's Home News, the answer is "43 Years".
0:01:14 > 0:01:15What is the question?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18"For how long will the average Glastonbury goer
0:01:18 > 0:01:19"keep their wristband on?"
0:01:21 > 0:01:22"How long will it take
0:01:22 > 0:01:25"for Nigel Farage's erection to subside?"
0:01:32 > 0:01:36"If Jeremy Corbyn asked the Shadow Cabinet for a high-five,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38"how long would they leave him hanging?"
0:01:40 > 0:01:43"How long will somebody have to wait, if they're born today,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46"before they can move out of their parents' house?"
0:01:47 > 0:01:49"How long will you have to wait for your Uber
0:01:49 > 0:01:51"if everyone gets deported?"
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"How long does Rob take to brush his teeth?"
0:01:59 > 0:02:01AUDIENCE: Ooh...!
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Big teeth, innit?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10"What's the age difference
0:02:10 > 0:02:12"between Cher and parts of Cher?"
0:02:15 > 0:02:18"How many years has Jeremy Corbyn had his shirt?"
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Is it the average age of the Russian under-21 gymnastic team?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Do any of you know what the correct answer is?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32"On which wedding anniversary is it traditional
0:02:32 > 0:02:34"to give them some time apart?"
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Actually, I think it's, "How long have we been in the EU?"
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48The question I was looking for was,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50"How long has the UK been a member of the EU
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"before Thursday's momentous referendum vote to leave?"
0:02:53 > 0:02:55How have people reacted to the result?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I'm pretty furious with my grandad.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I mean, I was only being nice to him to get the inheritance
0:03:01 > 0:03:04and now his vote has made the inheritance worthless.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07There's been a big age divide, though, hasn't there?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09A lot of the older people have voted to leave,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11a lot of the younger people have voted to stay.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13And I just think, if you are a person over 65,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I would avoid stairs for the next ten years.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I think we could've prevented that, though,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20by making it an internet vote.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It would be very wrong to stereotype
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- all Leave voters as old, anyway, wouldn't it?- Yeah.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Although it doesn't matter if we do cos they'll all be in bed by now.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Statistically, 4,000 of them are already dead.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER AND GASPING
0:03:41 > 0:03:43If we just... It'll take two years to leave.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45If we'd just held the referendum in two years,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47it would have been a landslide for Remain.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Yes, some people are very, very... Very disappointed.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Some people felt it's, you know,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54it's a trait of the British people, the desire for sovereignty,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56for independence, all that, you know.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59It was a big war cry, wasn't it? To "get Britain back", you know.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01And that's already started,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03the currency is already back to the point where it was in 1985.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06So, I mean, clearly... It's clearly working.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08When Sunderland voted to leave, I thought maybe they thought
0:04:08 > 0:04:11they were voting to leave Sunderland.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16You thought it was like,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"Would I like to leave? Fantastic! I'll just tick 'yes',
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"I go into another booth and suddenly, like Mr Benn..."
0:04:23 > 0:04:25HE SINGS MR BENN THEME
0:04:25 > 0:04:26"I'm not in Sunderland any more."
0:04:26 > 0:04:29The Cornish voted to leave as well, didn't they?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Cornwall voted to leave cos they think it'll give
0:04:31 > 0:04:33the fishing industry a boost.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Which it probably will,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37because fish will become our currency when...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41..collapses.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44It's like the country's had, like, an office affair.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47We've got to middle age, had an office affair, thought,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"This is crazy, actually - I'm leaving her, yeah!"
0:04:49 > 0:04:52They get their new flat in Canary Wharf going, "Yeah, freedom!"
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Give it two years, they're crying, sitting in their pants
0:04:54 > 0:04:56and the people left over are the kids
0:04:56 > 0:04:57and they're screwed.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I tell you what, Cameron was right...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Oh, Jesus, that was brutal.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I've got it if you need it, mate.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Cameron said it'd be bad for jobs, and he was right,
0:05:07 > 0:05:11cos his was gone by 8 o'clock the next morning.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14So who's has been backtracking since the referendum result?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17A lot of people have been regretting their decision.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19You know, cos it's split up families,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21it's divided families, it's divided friends.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I mean, I've got a Dutch wife,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25so on the morning after the referendum,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27it was just tragic to watch her
0:05:27 > 0:05:29packing her little clogs into a bag...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Taking her little wheels of cheese away...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37My girlfriend demanded to know if I was in or out.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Unfortunately, we were having sex at the time.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Yes. There's been a lot of, um...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Basically a lot of the Leave campaign have been forced to go,
0:05:47 > 0:05:52"Oh, yeah, that - did we say that? Did we say 350 million?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55"I, uh... Really? It wasn't written anywhere, really.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58"Oh - on the side of a bus? Er...
0:05:58 > 0:05:59"Oh, well, you know,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01"people write things on the side of buses all the time.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04"I mean, there was a side of a bus going round near me recently
0:06:04 > 0:06:07"that said Batman V Superman is a five-star movie.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"That was on a bus for ages and it's not...really."
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I think the £350 million claim
0:06:14 > 0:06:16was the most dubious figure on the side of a bus
0:06:16 > 0:06:18since you did those Megabus adverts.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Wow.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27You know...well...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I couldn't let that one lie. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I understand people having regrets about it,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34cos I mean, we all have regrets about things.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36You know, I have many regrets -
0:06:36 > 0:06:38usually they're connected to a hangover -
0:06:38 > 0:06:40but I've never woken up in the morning
0:06:40 > 0:06:45and gone, "My God, did I cause the currency to crash last night?"
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- Quite a hangover, isn't it? - "Did I have some part in that?"
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Yeah. Well, people rarely, when you wake up after a bad night,
0:06:50 > 0:06:51hand you a graph.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58"Oh, dear, this looks bad."
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Well, now we've got control of our borders,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03people are saying that the population could go down
0:07:03 > 0:07:04by as much as five million people -
0:07:04 > 0:07:06or Scotland, as they prefer to be known.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09The Leave campaign wanted to bring more manufacturing
0:07:09 > 0:07:11back into Britain, didn't they?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13And they've started with the truth.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16They've just started manufacturing their own truth in Britain.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Well done.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Hey, by the way, by the way, we should...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Because this is nationally broadcast
0:07:25 > 0:07:28and they're cheering for certain points of view expressed here,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31should remind them, we're in the bubble, here, people -
0:07:31 > 0:07:32that bubble which happens to be
0:07:32 > 0:07:36London, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Gibraltar.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40That weird, freaky bubble that pops up randomly at points, yeah.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42They want a speedy divorce, don't they? The EU.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Like - is it Juncker? Is his name Juncker?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Yeah, Juncker.- Juncker. - He wants a speedy divorce.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48I reckon we should get, like,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Cheryl Versini Fernandez Tweedy Cole,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52whatever - get her in.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55She's smashing through the divorces and she's looking all right.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Get her in to head it up.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I love that the result of the Brexit vote
0:07:58 > 0:08:02has meant that Rob refuses to pronounce any European names.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07He is being quite strict on us, though, Juncker.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Like, I'm starting to think,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"Is he still going to let us bring a board game on our last day?"
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Cos I've got the perfect one - we should take in Risk.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23At least we can use Brexit now, can't we?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Like, if I just don't achieve what I want to in my life,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I can be like, "Brexit, weren't it?"
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Nothing to do with me having no drive or, like, positivity.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33It'd just be like, "Did you get the milk?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:35"Come on, Brexit, give me a..."
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Can't get a boner -
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"Brexit - leave me alone!"
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Why didn't we just call it a full English Brexit?
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Yeah, yeah.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I had a bit of a result, cos I, like,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I actually put 100 quid on us to leave, at 10-1.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54And I've put that towards my holiday,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56so 25 euros, now, for my holiday.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Do you think there's a danger
0:08:59 > 0:09:03that this country will eventually be broken by the fact that we forgot
0:09:03 > 0:09:06to stop the direct debit going out to the EU?
0:09:06 > 0:09:11And then, two years in, they go, "Why are we still losing 350...?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"I meant to give that money to the NHS
0:09:14 > 0:09:17"and yet, it still seems to have been going out every week."
0:09:17 > 0:09:19We've got to invoke Article 50, haven't we?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21That's the first thing that's got to happen.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24The first thing that strikes me about that is that Article 50
0:09:24 > 0:09:26is a long way down the articles, isn't it?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Judging by Boris Johnson's mood, and Gove,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30they're doing Article 49, which is the,
0:09:30 > 0:09:34"I...I'm just going to, like, say we did but not do it
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"and hoping people forget."
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I mean, that is not the face of triumph.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40That is a naughty boy.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44A naughty boy...who has misbehaved.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I think it looks like a press conference
0:09:49 > 0:09:51where a ventriloquist has been caught
0:09:51 > 0:09:53doing disgusting things to his dummy.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59What has become highly desirable because of the vote to leave the EU?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- An Irish passport. - Yeah, one of these.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03One of these, baby, one of these.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh, back off, hey!
0:10:05 > 0:10:09I know. Pretty sweet, my friends, pretty sweet.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Isn't it amazing we've got to the point where our own Prime Minister
0:10:12 > 0:10:15is in a less internationally strong position than Jedward?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Application forms for these have run out.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25They're expecting an extra million of these.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- They're pretty sweet, you know... - I'm not bothered about that.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I think it's all a fuss over nothing, but on an unrelated note,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I'd just like to say, Dara, I love you.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I've loved you since the very first moment I saw you
0:10:36 > 0:10:39and would you do me the honour of being my husband?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Until now, though, it's been pointless having an Irish passport
0:10:43 > 0:10:46because they don't let you on a plane drunk anyway.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47GASPING AND LAUGHTER
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- What? - Really? Really...?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51You are in no position, my friend.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I've gone for it. I've gone for it, mate.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56You dug in it there, yeah.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Everyone's trying to find some sort of Irish heritage
0:10:58 > 0:11:01so they can try and get this, but how far back can you go?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I might try and get an African one.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Go way back, mate. - You have got to go back a long way.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- You might get a German one. - I might get a German one.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Oh, you're grand on that score. I think you're laughing, there.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I think your face is almost too German.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20It sort of reminds them of quite a chequered history.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23The bad times.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26You're very much an ideal they wanted to move away from.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29It shows you that their ideal of what, like, a super-race should be
0:11:29 > 0:11:31should not be me - look at the state of me.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- Even Hitler would go... - GERMAN ACCENT:- "No, too far."
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I don't think he thought Aryans would have to have a pillow.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Zoe and Rhys.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Oh, yes!
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Now we play a round called Nice To EU, To EU Nice.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01This game involves Rhys and Gary.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03If you could make your way to the performance area...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News -
0:12:05 > 0:12:08wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers
0:12:08 > 0:12:10must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15And the first subject is Jobs.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Who wants to come in on that? Rhys?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I've got a job.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Yeah, I'm not resigning.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23And, eh, my job is this -
0:12:23 > 0:12:25which still counts, Dad.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28This is a good job. It's not the best job in the world.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I'd never say that - some people think it is, it's not.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Best job in the world - Community Support Officer.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38With no power comes no responsibility.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Best...job...ever.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Nothing is expected of you if you're a Community Support Officer.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47If it's not writing down someone's details,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49then it is beyond your remit.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52That is 100% - it's just vigilante admin.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53That's all it is.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57You're a professional grass. That is your job.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I got a leaflet through the post
0:12:59 > 0:13:00a few weeks ago advertising that job.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03It said, "Do you have what it takes to be the best?
0:13:03 > 0:13:09"Will you stand up in the face of danger when no-one else will?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10"No?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13"Then you should become a Community Support Officer."
0:13:15 > 0:13:18In the hierarchy of law enforcement in this country,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22it goes army, police,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25British Transport Police,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27ticket inspector,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30traffic warden,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33park ranger,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35dinner lady...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42..kid wearing Nike trainers,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44kid wearing Adidas trainers...
0:13:46 > 0:13:49..Community Support Officer,
0:13:49 > 0:13:50kid wearing Umbro.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55APPLAUSE Well done. Well done, Rhys.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01OK, that leaves Gary, let's see what you've been left with.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Let's spin the wheel again.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Your topic is Technology. OK, away you go.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I mean, obviously, they don't know that yet.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21The hardest part of making skimmed milk
0:14:21 > 0:14:23must be throwing the cows across the lake.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29The guy next to me at work used to watch porn all day.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I'm just glad he didn't begin to rub off on me.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I think if I was to try revenge porn,
0:14:37 > 0:14:41I'd just post naked pictures of myself online,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44so everybody would know how low my ex's standards were.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51When answering the security question "place of birth",
0:14:51 > 0:14:54apparently "vagina" is not an acceptable answer.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59It's been a tough week.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I got myself a memory foam mattress and now it's trying to blackmail me.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07I've currently got a stalker.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10But you probably can't tell in these trousers.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15A friend of mine was killed by the big C.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18He was walking past Currys and a sign fell on his head.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I was watching TV and the announcer said,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24"There's a documentary about the clitoris on the red button",
0:15:24 > 0:15:26but I couldn't find it.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Thank you.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29APPLAUSE Bravo, very good.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Points there for Gary Delaney. Come on back.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41I show the panel a topical image
0:15:41 > 0:15:43and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45So what's going on here?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Is this Jeremy Corbyn training for his new job
0:15:50 > 0:15:52at a McDonald's drive-thru?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Is he saying to her, "Are you sure this is
0:15:56 > 0:15:59"the most modern Bluetooth headset you've got?"
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Is he saying, "Please hold,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"your resignation is important to us"?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Is he playing Call of Duty and saying,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09"Why are you shooting me? I'm in the same team as you!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11"This keeps happening."
0:16:11 > 0:16:13He's going through the whole phonebook,
0:16:13 > 0:16:14going, "Hello, would you be interested
0:16:14 > 0:16:17"in becoming a member of the Shadow Cabinet?"
0:16:19 > 0:16:21"Are you the householder in this house?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23"OK, your parents aren't in? OK.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25"Would you be interested in...?"
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Is this Madonna has finally found a backing singer her own age?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Corbyn's popularity drops even further
0:16:40 > 0:16:42as it's realised he was a DJ in the 1970s.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49"Hello - have you been mis-sold a referendum?"
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Anyone know the correct answer? - Well, it's Jeremy Corbyn.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Yes, this is a picture of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05who is fighting a huge challenge to his leadership
0:17:05 > 0:17:07in the wake of the referendum campaign.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10This week, Corbyn suffered over 40 resignations from his Shadow Cabinet
0:17:10 > 0:17:13before Labour MPs passed a vote of no confidence in his leadership.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16It's weird isn't it? Exactly a week too late,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18he's become absolutely committed to REMAIN.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25It is striking that at a time of, you know,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27when the Tory Party's falling apart
0:17:27 > 0:17:31that Labour leaped into action and disintegrated.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Just completely fell apart.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37It's almost like this particular generation of Labour leaders
0:17:37 > 0:17:39think they're bodyguards for Cameron.
0:17:39 > 0:17:45"Oh, my God, Cameron's in danger, quick, let's take the bullet, no!"
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I think it might get to the point where Jeremy Corbyn
0:17:48 > 0:17:49is the only person in the Labour Party
0:17:49 > 0:17:53and it's just him wearing a series of different wigs.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Just desperately running round Commons, going,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57"Hello, I'm a lady in Labour.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01"And I love Jeremy Corbyn, he's so handsome."
0:18:01 > 0:18:03After a while, all the resignation letters just went,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06"Dear Jeremy, what he said."
0:18:07 > 0:18:10The Shadow Cabinet is now basically the Sugababes.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14They're going so fast, aren't they?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17And it's people...people being replaced who you've never heard of
0:18:17 > 0:18:19are being replaced by people you've never heard of.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It's like, kind of, limited edition Walkers crisps
0:18:22 > 0:18:23that have gone before...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28..before you've ever had a chance to try them.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32The Shadow Environment Secretary was a fennel and gooseberry flavour,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34that no-one really went for, yeah.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I think Jeremy Corbyn's big problem was that he supported Remain
0:18:37 > 0:18:41about as enthusiastically as most Labour MPs support Jeremy Corbyn.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46You know what, he wanted a new kind of politics, didn't he?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Tick.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51But he is going to be tremendously difficult to shift, isn't he?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Cos he's still got enormous support in the Commons.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Mainly from the Tory party.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Yes, he does. It's all a bit desperate.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59He's like the old lady who won't move
0:18:59 > 0:19:02when a motorway has to be built, and refuses...
0:19:04 > 0:19:07So the road is just going to have to go around you, pet.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Like that farm in the middle of the M62
0:19:09 > 0:19:12where there's that guy going, "No."
0:19:12 > 0:19:14And it's going round.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17What was deputy Labour leader Tom Watson up to
0:19:17 > 0:19:18when the news broke?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20He was at Glastonbury He was ahead of the game.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23He was trying to convince Adele to become shadow foreign secretary.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28That's Tom. Yes, grand.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31He posted a load of stuff, I think it was on Snapchat.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33He posted a picture of him in the silent disco tent,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35and then the following morning,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38someone took a picture of him at the train station,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42returning to London, finally having turned his phone back on.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45"You have 637 new messages."
0:19:45 > 0:19:47What's going on? They're supposed to be...
0:19:47 > 0:19:50No wonder Labour's in turmoil. "Where's Jeremy Corbyn?"
0:19:50 > 0:19:52"He's in hiding - he's gone to Gay Pride",
0:19:52 > 0:19:53"Where's Tom Watson?" "Glastonbury".
0:19:53 > 0:19:57"Andy Burnham's at a foam party, he'll come back later."
0:19:57 > 0:19:58They're supposed to be adults.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00You know that's a bad day at work
0:20:00 > 0:20:04if you have to rush in with glitter on your face.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07He's at an illegal rave, all right? Let him have his weekend.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09He's coming down from MDMA, all right?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11He's had a rough week.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Oh... Don't wreck his buzz. Nobody wreck his buzz.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15You're killing his vibe.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18He's been at a festival. How did he have charge on his phone?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20You can charge your phone at festivals, now.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22They have all sorts of things. I think... You can pee into...
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I saw this thing where you can pee into something and it powers...
0:20:25 > 0:20:28That might have been a different video. Anyway, so...
0:20:29 > 0:20:31In other news, what's going on here?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- GROANING - Oh, God...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Too soon, is it?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40This has got to be the shittest week ever.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Wait till we get to the bit about Andy Murray abducted by an alien.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh, no! Not now!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Is it, "One big hand, one little hand -
0:20:48 > 0:20:50"I never noticed that before about Joe Hart."
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Is he thinking, "Right, Iceland have a very strong defensive team -
0:21:01 > 0:21:02"if I let them score twice
0:21:02 > 0:21:05"in the first 20 minutes, that should be fine."?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I'm just angry, I can't make it funny.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Is he saying, "I know this team like the back of my hand...
0:21:12 > 0:21:13"Hang on - what's that?"
0:21:16 > 0:21:21Is this the runner-up in the national resigning championship?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- AS HODGSON:- Oh, well - it's only five more days
0:21:23 > 0:21:26till France would have knocked us out anyway.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Is he saying, "Jamie Vardy's right,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31"these electronic tags are really uncomfortable"?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Is he going, "Right, OK, what time is kick-off?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38"I should have enough time to write...write my resignation before the kick-off."
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Oh, God. Oh, I'm too angry.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I'm just so sad.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48It's going to be all right, innit, Dara?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Everything? You know things.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I don't care, man. I don't care, man.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Anyone know what the correct answer is?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Hodgson's shit and we're out. Is that the answer?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I'll accept that. I shall accept that as the correct answer.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Sterling didn't have a good game, but to fair to him,
0:22:16 > 0:22:18he was 10% smaller than he was last week so...
0:22:20 > 0:22:23We got beaten by a team with basically all the same surnames.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It's like losing to a school team in Norfolk.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Presumably everyone's rowing in behind Iceland now. Is that the...?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34It's like conkers, really.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37All of your things are passed on to whoever wins.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Iceland now own England.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43And I, for one, welcome our new Icelandic overlords.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Ooh!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47APPLAUSE
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- I love that. It's fantastic. - Something is happening
0:22:52 > 0:22:54cos there's a long gap between the first and the second one.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55There's a long gap
0:22:55 > 0:22:58and you know something is happening in Icelandic in their heads.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Some Viking thing is happening, and it's freaky,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03cos they're going "Oh...!"
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Even longer than that, you're like, "Come on, come on!"
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Then when all they... When they know,
0:23:08 > 0:23:09when they know the time has passed...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11"Argh!"
0:23:11 > 0:23:12It's a glorious thing.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14What was happening in that gap
0:23:14 > 0:23:16was they were scoring two goals.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Gary.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32If everyone can make their way over to the performance area...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I'll read out this week's topics,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Unlikely Film Trailers.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Referendum 2 -
0:23:45 > 0:23:48we'll keep doing it until we get the result we like.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55From the director of Batman V Superman -
0:23:55 > 0:23:58a heartfelt letter of apology for wasting our time.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Tantric Sex The Movie -
0:24:05 > 0:24:06not coming soon.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13The new, all-female Ghostbusters.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17The CGI looks amazing because we saved 30% on actors' wages.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Sepp Blatter and Donald Trump star
0:24:25 > 0:24:27in Despicable? Me, Too.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Thanks to a unfortunate typo,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39it's the most one-sided action film ever -
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Alan Versus Predator.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Just when you thought the service couldn't be any more appalling,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Southern Rail present
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Snakes On A Train.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59The Avengers go to prison.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02They should have asked the age of Ultron.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11The greatest trick the devil ever played
0:25:11 > 0:25:14was charging nine quid for Fanta and popcorn.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17It's a fucking lot, innit?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23In his most important role to date,
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Danny Dyer is Emmeline Pankhurst.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30"Me and the rest of these tarts is pissed off!"
0:25:33 > 0:25:36The sequel you hoped they would never make.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37The Martian 2 -
0:25:37 > 0:25:40101 Dull Martians.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48One man stands alone.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49It's Labour - The Film.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00It's the auto-erotic asphyxiation thriller,
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Die Hard.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Fifty Shades Of Grey.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11The heart-warming story of a vajazzler in an old folks' home.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19In a land where nothing costs more than a pound...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21It's Poundland.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Referendum 4 -
0:26:30 > 0:26:32now Ant wants to leave Dec.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Michael Gove is David Cameron's best buddy in Quentin Tarantino's
0:26:42 > 0:26:44The Hateful Mate.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Harrison Ford is 73 and he's back,
0:26:51 > 0:26:55in Indiana Jones And The Tricky Patch Of Ice Outside The Post Office.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03In a world where they only sell PCs...
0:27:03 > 0:27:04It's PC World.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Very good. OK. Next topic -
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Unlikely Things To Hear On A Makeover Show.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Look, Gok Wan, I know you're trying to build my confidence up,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19but could you stop grabbing my tits and shouting "bangers"?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Welcome to Changing Rooms -
0:27:24 > 0:27:27this one's in the lingerie department at Debenhams.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I love what you've done with the bedroom, guys,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I love the neutral colours, everything, all the new furniture,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38but what have you done with my beanbag?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40There was 20 grand's worth of coke in that.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Well, why do we call it DIY SOS?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Because I've accidentally
0:27:47 > 0:27:50staple-gunned my penis to this staircase.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Welcome to Straight Eye For The Straight Guy,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00where the advice is always "spray Lynx on your crotch".
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Mrs Patterson says her downstairs is a little damp.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Don't worry, Alan Titchmarsh has that effect
0:28:09 > 0:28:11on a lot of women your age.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17When Susan approached us, she was overweight,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20she had terrible hair and her self-esteem was at rock-bottom.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22But now, thanks to our team,
0:28:22 > 0:28:24she's got a new kitchen.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32This bathroom really is looking exquisite now -
0:28:32 > 0:28:35we have laid Moroccan tiles on the floor,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38we've used accentuating tones on the walls, and over here,
0:28:38 > 0:28:40we've put a brand-new shitter.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Well, it's taken a lot of work,
0:28:46 > 0:28:48a lot of sawing and a lot of drilling
0:28:48 > 0:28:50but finally, the shed is finished,
0:28:50 > 0:28:51and Jeff has somewhere quiet
0:28:51 > 0:28:53to masturbate in.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Oh, wow - she looked hideous before, didn't she?
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Oh, that's after - sorry.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Oh, we just did a spruce-up, really.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09We dusted, got rid of the cobwebs,
0:29:09 > 0:29:11sorted out the curtains downstairs and...yeah,
0:29:11 > 0:29:13I'd probably shag her now.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Well, I mean, I absolutely love it.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21I love the wallpaper, I love the way you've knocked through.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23There's just one thing.
0:29:23 > 0:29:24I actually live next door.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34I showed this couple from Sussex a delightful little semi earlier
0:29:34 > 0:29:37and said if they touch it, I'll do up their house.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44What your hair needs is volume and lots of body.
0:29:44 > 0:29:45So, here's Brian Blessed.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51- MUFFLED:- Why did you give me MORE teeth?
0:29:59 > 0:30:02At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Gary.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09That's the end of the show.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12This week's winners are Rhys James, Zoe Lyons and Rob Beckett.
0:30:16 > 0:30:20Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE