0:00:03 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Read all about it Read all about it... #
0:00:28 > 0:00:33This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O Briain and joining me this week are John Robins,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis, and James Acaster.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Picture of the Week.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I show the panel a topical image,
0:00:55 > 0:00:56and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58So what's going on here?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Er, is it the new National Lottery advert
0:01:02 > 0:01:04for "please don't let it be them"?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Is this pointing out people who are not going to be Prime Minister?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Is he saying to Boris, "Look over there",
0:01:14 > 0:01:17and then when he turns around, he stabs him in the back?
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Is Gove saying, "I support...you"?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Is Gove saying, "Pull my finger"?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Michael Gove, I suspect, is just going,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34"Look! A foreigner. Get him!"
0:01:34 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Or possibly, "Look! An expert. Get out!"
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I think they're playing a game we used to play at school called
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Point At The Prick.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58I know you probably invented that for comic effect.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Please tell me you genuinely played a game as brutal as...
0:02:01 > 0:02:04No, he didn't play it. People played it at him.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Is Gove saying, "Don't even go there, girlfriend"?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I like to think Gove is going...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16# Young man, there's no need to feel down
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- # I said young man... # - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:21 > 0:02:23OK, let me know what the answer is.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26It's Michael Gove and Boris Johnson.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Yes, it is.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Thank you very much, Hugh.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Of course, this is a recent picture of Michael Gove and Boris Johnson.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38This week, Gove is accused of betraying his former ally, Johnson,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40by entering the Conservative leadership race himself.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42As a result, Johnson said he would not be running.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Now, at the time of recording,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Gove is one of the three remaining Tory politicians
0:02:46 > 0:02:49running to become leader of the party and Prime Minister,
0:02:49 > 0:02:50since Liam Fox was eliminated,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52and Stephen Crabb has pulled out of the race.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55People are comparing the political machinations and backstabbing
0:02:55 > 0:02:58and double-crossing to an episode of Game of Thrones,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00which is silly, cos Game of Thrones,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03the average episode doesn't contain nearly as many tits.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Yes, there's an irony, isn't there?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09That Michael Gove is the justice minister who,
0:03:09 > 0:03:10for the last two years,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13has obsessed about law and order and knife crime,
0:03:13 > 0:03:18and yet he's perfectly prepared to just stab someone in the back.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23APPLAUSE
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I don't know about you guys, but I am starting to wonder
0:03:26 > 0:03:31if Boris Johnson isn't the political mastermind we thought he was.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35That is a remarkable theory you've got there, John.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38He's been out-manoeuvred by Michael Gove,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41which is the equivalent of being run over by your own golf buggy.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45He was never going to get there, was he?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Having shafted everyone, he's not going to do it.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48I hope he keeps his job
0:03:48 > 0:03:51as the poetic justice secretary as well.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58APPLAUSE
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I'm just glad Stephen Crabb isn't in any more.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Cos I was really worried about that.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I didn't want Stephen Crabb to become the next Prime Minister
0:04:06 > 0:04:10because he has ties to a "cure the gays" Christian group
0:04:10 > 0:04:13that he accepted interns from and used to intern for,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16a group that feel you can be cured of being gay, so that's a bit dodgy.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Secondly, he grew up on the benefits that his party is currently
0:04:20 > 0:04:24trying to cap or scrap, but thirdly, and most importantly,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26if he becomes prime minster,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30the Prime Minister of the UK will be younger than me.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32And that is it.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34It's all well, you're all fine, you're fine.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37You don't have to worry, but you'll face this.
0:04:37 > 0:04:4020 years from now, you'll be sitting right where I am, thinking,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"We're going to breeze through this programme
0:04:43 > 0:04:44"and go on to something better",
0:04:44 > 0:04:46but eventually, no...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49You left...you left of your own accord
0:04:49 > 0:04:51when we had a Prime Minister who's younger than you!
0:04:51 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Not entirely sure if you're applauding
0:05:00 > 0:05:03the political point made by Ed
0:05:03 > 0:05:04or his thwarted ambition.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I'm not sure which of them has tugged at your heartstrings more.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12How they've tried to, sort of, undermine Gove,
0:05:12 > 0:05:16the knives have come out for him and Ben Wallis said of him,
0:05:16 > 0:05:21"He has an emotional need to gossip, particularly when drink is taken,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"as it also often seemed to be."
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Which is the most Tory sentence ever said.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30You're almost expecting him to finish by going,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"And when the cheese is served, he's positively devilish."
0:05:36 > 0:05:39What he means is he's a laugh when he's drunk.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I could get on board with that.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Just Gove at the dispatch box going...
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- SLURRING:- "I'll tell you who else is a dick..."
0:05:47 > 0:05:49The biggest thing about all this Gove backstabbing is that
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I wish I'd read a bit more Shakespeare,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54cos they keep banging on about how Machiavellian it all is,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56and I'm having to go, "Yeah, tell me about it."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Got no idea who he is or what he does.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00He wasn't in Shakespeare.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05It's not like they keep on saying...
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Who's Maca... Who is he, then?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I thought it was a nut till last week.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Positively macadamian!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19How macadamian of you to have done this!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I'm the kind of guy that does the research on the show.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Who's the Machiavellian fellow, then?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28He was an Italian, sort of, philosopher
0:06:28 > 0:06:31who used very ruthless tactics to achieve power.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Happy? Look what you've done.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I thought he just pissed off a king in something.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39It's not Shakespearean.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41They keep on saying it's Shakespearean,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44but in Shakespeare, everybody kills everyone else.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45That didn't happen here, did it?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Julius Caesar didn't get up the next day
0:06:47 > 0:06:49and write a column for the Daily Telegraph.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56My favourite thing about the Telegraph column...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58The Telegraph ran big on this column.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00It was like the front of the page this week was,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03"Boris reveals his plan for Brexit."
0:07:03 > 0:07:05You're going, "Oh, wow, you should e-mail that to last week,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08"when we gave a shit what Boris thinks about Brexit
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"and his plans for stuff."
0:07:10 > 0:07:12This is why you get really suspicious.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Michael Gove said, in the last two weeks,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16he has realised that Boris is not the man
0:07:16 > 0:07:17who would make a good Prime Minister.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21He's known that Boris for 30 years.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24And it hasn't occurred to him. That makes him...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26The only person who is slower than Gove
0:07:26 > 0:07:28in working out who is best in what position
0:07:28 > 0:07:30is Roy Hodgson.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Do you think that the people of Uxbridge and Ruislip
0:07:39 > 0:07:42are happy that at least Boris might do some constituency work now?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- Because he's, like, their MP. - Yeah.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47He has spread himself quite thin.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49There was one point there, for a whole year,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Boris Johnson was Mayor of London, the MP for Ruislip,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56an author and a newspaper columnist all at the same time.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01See, it's not foreigners taking your jobs, it's Boris Johnson.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10The weirdest one of the five, the one that no-one really knows,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12is Andrea Leadsom, isn't it?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- Yeah.- I've just got a flash forward
0:08:14 > 0:08:17of what I'm going to look like in about 25 years.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Hopefully, you won't get a hairy chest.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Fingers crossed. Yeah.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Who is the current favourite to become Conservative leader?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- Theresa May.- Theresa May. - Theresa May, is it?
0:08:36 > 0:08:37- She MAY become leader. - Oh, don't...
0:08:37 > 0:08:42I've just got a flash forward of what Ed will look like in 25 years.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51And you know what, Ed, you'll still be on Mock The Week.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Following the Leave vote in the referendum,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57why might Britain's trade negotiations with the EU
0:08:57 > 0:08:58run into difficulty?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Cos we don't have enough negotiators.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03There aren't any negotiators. This, an unforeseen problem.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07It turns out the EU is full of people
0:09:07 > 0:09:09who negotiate EU treaties all the time
0:09:09 > 0:09:11and there are none here.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13And the thing is, hiring negotiators,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16hiring professional negotiators, is notoriously difficult,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19because you have to negotiate their salary with them.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20And they can take ages.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22They know how badly we need the negotiators
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- and, as negotiators, they know how much they can leverage that.- Yeah.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30They just walk in and go, "Oh, I was reading a very interesting story
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"about how much you need negotiators."
0:09:32 > 0:09:36And spin it across the table. "Mm. Your move?"
0:09:36 > 0:09:39That's how I presume professional, high-level negotiators do.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42It's going to be like an episode of The Apprentice.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Team EU are all set up. Meanwhile, Team Take Back Control
0:09:45 > 0:09:47are going, "I've got £1 off hats.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"Is that good? Is that good? Yeah, yeah."
0:09:51 > 0:09:54"Oh, great news! Movement of people is now free.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"Is that good? Have we done well?"
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"No, that's the thing we didn't want you to give.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02"Oh, you've given free movement of people. You're an idiot."
0:10:02 > 0:10:07It's all well and good slagging off The Apprentice now, Dara.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Now that it's in your rear-view mirror.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13We've literally got nothing to negotiate with, have we?
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Cos we've already negotiated.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17We went and we said, "If you don't give us what we want,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19"we're going to leave."
0:10:19 > 0:10:21And then we left. Now, we're saying,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24"So, we've left - what are you going to give us?"
0:10:28 > 0:10:30In other news, but not entirely unrelated,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32what is Jeremy Corbyn refusing to do?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- Leave.- Yes.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37That's the main news this week is that the guy who ran
0:10:37 > 0:10:40the Remain Campaign is remaining.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43And the people who ran the Leave Campaign have left.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53CHEERING
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Now, we play a round called
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Like A Corbyn, Touched For The Very First Time.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07This game involves John and James. If you could make your way over to the performance area, please.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop
0:11:11 > 0:11:14means our performer must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21The first subject is Health. Who wants to come in on that?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23John.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27I went to get some test results from my GP the other day.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30And she sat me down and she said,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33"I'm very sorry to tell you, Mr Robins, but you have got gout.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38And I was absolutely stunned.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41She said, "You seem surprised to hear you've got gout."
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I said, "Yes, I am.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45"Because I'm not from the 17th century."
0:11:48 > 0:11:52She said, "The first thing you need to avoid, Mr Robins, is alcohol."
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Now, it's gutting, because what do you replace alcohol with?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59I'm not a doob-monger.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Nor do I ride the Chinese highway.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07By which I mean I don't take drugs.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I think, mainly, cos I don't have the vocabulary
0:12:10 > 0:12:11to oversee a transaction.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18So, she says, "The second thing you need to avoid,
0:12:18 > 0:12:19"Mr Robins, is cheese."
0:12:22 > 0:12:28And I said, out loud, to a respectable GP in her late 60s,
0:12:28 > 0:12:29"What the fuck, mate?"
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Then she gets this serious look on her face and she says,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"The third thing you need to avoid, Mr Robins,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"and this is very important,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"is offal."
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Well, I tell you what,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48if I didn't damn near spit that pig's ear clean out of my mouth.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Turns out gout is actually a very serious condition.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55And after a lot of soul-searching,
0:12:55 > 0:12:59I've decided to cut offal entirely out of my diet.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I'm not going to make you imagine what that's like.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03It's my cross and I'll bear it.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05And I'll tell you how I bear it -
0:13:05 > 0:13:07pissed and covered in cheese.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Well done. Thank you very much.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18That leaves us with James.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23The topic is Moving House.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Ah. I moved house recently.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Luckily - that's good, isn't it? That's fortunate.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Touch and go for a second, there,
0:13:34 > 0:13:38and that came up and I was like, "Ker-ching! Jackpot!"
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I did move house recently.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43A tad too draughty for my liking, my new house.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I had to order a draught excluder. By post.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47The best way to buy a draught excluder is by post,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50cos when they deliver it, they post it through the door,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52it drops through the letterbox onto the floor.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Already, it's paying for its own postage.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59I moved to west London.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I used to live in south-west London.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Different times. I was a different person.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I used to be in a gang.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Big-time in a gang. SW6 gang. That was our name.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13That's the area of London we were from.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16And it's what we'd shout at other gangs we didn't like much.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Like, if I saw the SW5 gang, for example, we'd shout at them,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"SW6!"
0:14:24 > 0:14:25That's clever.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I remember once, back in the day,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33we were out and about, SW6 crew, taking no shit.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And we looked across the road and we saw them, SW5 gang.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40And as soon as I saw them, I was cross.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47I shouted at them, "SW6!"
0:14:47 > 0:14:49As per.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56And they shouted back at us, "SW5!"
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Which we expected, but it still made as angry.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04"SW6!" Back at them, "SW5!" Back at us.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Back and forth, back and forth, for ages.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Until, eventually,
0:15:09 > 0:15:14I got so over-stimulated that I shouted out my entire postcode.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19In full.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22And that is why I had to move house.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Well done. Points there for James Acaster.
0:15:26 > 0:15:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Our next round is called, If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41On the board are six categories. John, which category would you like?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- I would like Sport, please, Dara. - OK, your category is Sport.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46And the answer is one.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48What is the question?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51What is Bruce Forsyth's national insurance number?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Is it the viewing figures for the final Top Gear?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER
0:16:00 > 0:16:02DARA GROANS
0:16:05 > 0:16:07How many of the three wise men got invited back
0:16:07 > 0:16:10to Jesus' second birthday party?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12LAUGHTER
0:16:12 > 0:16:15What did the other two do wrong?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- DARA AND ROB: - Who wants frankincense and myrrh?
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Nobody wants that.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21And wasn't, at the time, frankincense worth more than gold?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I think that was because they had been a collapse in the price,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27because Judea had just left the EU.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34What is the optimum number of directions for a boyband?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39In my annual stock take,
0:16:39 > 0:16:43what number do I write on my left testicle?
0:16:45 > 0:16:49To the Daily Mail, how many immigrants constitute a swarm?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54How many packets of biscuits would you need to cater
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Michael Gove's funeral?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Oh! Ooh, that's cold.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Ooh.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09How many Fast And The Furious films would have been enough?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18How many times have I dropped a bath bomb in a lemonade?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22It was that good, was it?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Put it this way, mate - you don't do it twice.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Is it what David Cameron's going to give Miss Piggy
0:17:29 > 0:17:30now he's not Prime Minister?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35It took a long time to get to one.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Is it, "How many people is the reservation for, Mr Corbyn?"
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Can we have the correct answer, please?
0:17:47 > 0:17:52Is it how many times has Wales got to the semifinals of the Euros?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Holly Walsh.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Yes, this question celebrates a first -
0:17:58 > 0:18:00how many times have Wales made it to at least
0:18:00 > 0:18:03the semifinals of a major international football tournament.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Now, this is recorded, obviously, on Tuesday,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07we don't know how it went against Portugal last night,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11but are we enjoying or have we enjoyed Wales in this tournament?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12- Yeah.- Yeah, man.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14It's the best thing.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16It's just wonderful, because they embrace it
0:18:16 > 0:18:20and they love their players, one of which doesn't have a club,
0:18:20 > 0:18:21which is insane.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23If they get into the final, he's going to have to miss it,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25cos he's got to go home to sign on.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29One of the players, I've forgotten who,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31had tickets for Beyonce last weekend.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38That shows... "Oh, I've got three matches, maybe a fourth.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"Yeah, put me down for a ticket for Beyonce."
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Joe Ledley had to cancel his wedding.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Had to cancel his wedding, yeah. A more substantial thing.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It's a bit embarrassing though, that they've done so well
0:18:48 > 0:18:49and England have done so badly.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51But what annoys me is the FA always go,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"We're going to have a full investigation
0:18:53 > 0:18:54"to see why we didn't progress as far."
0:18:54 > 0:18:55What are they going to find out?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Are they going to do an investigation and find out,
0:18:58 > 0:19:02"It works out the coaches were teaching them rugby. Nightmare.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"Shame, innit?"
0:19:04 > 0:19:05What have the English fans,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07how have they been reacting to the Wales success?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Well, this is the weird thing.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13The day after they beat Belgium, the most common search,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16apparently, on Google, was "Welsh grandmother".
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Is that right? - That was the story, yeah.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21They were trying to find out if they've got Welsh ancestry,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24but that's not... If you type "Welsh grandmother" into Google,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27you just... It's like you're trying to buy one.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30What are you going to find out if you type "Welsh grandmother"?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32What's it going to tell you?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35See what happens if you type Welsh grandmother into Porn Hub.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39If you want to find out... I'm ignoring that.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41If you want to find out...
0:19:41 > 0:19:44You're ignoring it, but you're going to try it later.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- When you say ignoring it, you mean...- Storing it away.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52This calls for a Private Browsing.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Hello, good evening.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Private Browsing. Yes, sir. It's in the pocket for later.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Welsh grandmother.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Your country needs you again.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04The, em...
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Who lost 5-2 but are still considered to be the winners?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Oh, Iceland.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Iceland.- Amazing.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15It was phenomenal.
0:20:15 > 0:20:21Apparently, according to reports, 99.8% of the country were watching.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25It must have just been Bjork outside in the streets going,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"It's oh so quiet."
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Yeah, there was 99.8% watching,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I think the rest of the country were playing.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39None of them stay.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Anyone who gets knocked out of these tournaments immediately leaves
0:20:43 > 0:20:47as opposed to going, "Well, can I stay and watch the other games?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49"Can I see it out? Can I see how the other teams do,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51"cos I'm actually interested in football,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"being a professional footballer.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55"I'd actually quite like to watch one of the games."
0:20:55 > 0:20:57"No, you must leave. You must leave now."
0:20:57 > 0:20:59The next time we do a gig together, Dara, if you're on first,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02are you going to stay around and see all the other acts?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03When would I be on first?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08CHEERING
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Wow!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I didn't mean that as a joke.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Meanwhile, what's going on here?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24It's just Nigel Farage HEILing a cab.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33That is Nigel Farage attempting to get out of a car via the window.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Still the most sensible exit he's ever negotiated.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41That's the first time a cab driver has ever turned round and gone,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45"Actually, mate, I find what you're saying a bit offensive."
0:21:45 > 0:21:46What's very creepy about this
0:21:46 > 0:21:48is that if you're looking in the reflection
0:21:48 > 0:21:51of the car back there, you can see there's a bald man.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54If you look in the front of the car, he's there as well.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Do you not think it's a bit suspicious that he's resigned
0:22:01 > 0:22:03at the same time as Cameron and Johnson?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Do you think they're going to be presenting Top Gear?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14It would be very, very like the old one.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Cameron would wear the flowery shirts,
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Boris would do the stunts,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21and Farage would just be horrible to foreigners.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Exactly the same format.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26No, he resigned this week as leader of Ukip.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28There's another photograph at the weekend
0:22:28 > 0:22:31at a garden party with Rupert Murdoch,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33wearing a pair of shoes that, frankly,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35the bowling alley would like back.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41You know, cos, you know, there's a clean up on aisle three.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Who's thrilled with him leaving? - Everyone.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Yeah.- OK, but... - Well, sadly not.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- I'm not thrilled with him leaving. - You're not thrilled?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- No.- You think he should stay and clear up the mess?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I think he just left, just didn't do his job. They've all left.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56They've all messed up and they've all left.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Yeah, but it's going to be a quality Celebrity Big Brother in Jan, innit?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Points there are going to Rob, Holly and John.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16If everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:18 > 0:23:20and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22OK, here we go. The subject is...
0:23:27 > 0:23:30If Maria from Russia combines Ephedrine with OxyContin,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32will she win her next tennis match?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Was Elizabeth the First? No?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Then who did you lose your virginity to?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49If I have two balls in this hand and two balls in this hand,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52how am I going to explain this to the Board of Governors?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58What is the role Adolf Hitler and the Nazis played
0:23:58 > 0:24:01in keeping the History Channel on the air?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08If it takes John's girlfriend 14 minutes
0:24:08 > 0:24:10to walk to the train station,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12then why are we still getting ready?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Which of the following is a quote by Winston Churchill -
0:24:19 > 0:24:21A, We will fight them on the beaches,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23B, Goddamn, I love these peaches,
0:24:23 > 0:24:24C...?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27LAUGHTER
0:24:34 > 0:24:36If you buy four apples for £10,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38stop shopping at Waitrose.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46If The Borrowers never returned anything they borrowed,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48why were they called The Borrowers
0:24:48 > 0:24:50and not The Thieving Little Bastards?
0:24:54 > 0:24:55History.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Who were the Liberal Democrats?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Welcome to the telekinesis exam.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06You may now turn your page over...with your mind.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14British citizenship test, question one.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Who is the leader of the Conservative Party?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19And now?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22How about now?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30If a man can make £400,000 a year as an estate agent,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32why is he wasting his life setting exam questions
0:25:32 > 0:25:35while locked in a loveless marriage?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42In less than 200 words,
0:25:42 > 0:25:44please describe your plan for Brexit.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Please, anything will do. Literally anything.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Which of the following is a quote by Winston Churchill -
0:25:54 > 0:25:56A, We will fight them on the beaches,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58B, Goddamn, I love these peaches...?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Sorry, I can't do that. It makes me laugh too much.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I love "Goddamn, I love these peaches" so much.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12Predict the next number in this sequence - 1966.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Question 1,066. When was the Battle of Hastings?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Biology. Take the dead rat and dissect it.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Remove its head and nail it to the canteen door
0:26:32 > 0:26:34as a warning to other rats.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Which is bigger - 52% or 48%?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45That's democracy. Get on with it.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Which of the following is a famous...? Fucking...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:01 > 0:27:02OK, the next topic is...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08The next station will be Wimbledon.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Change here for Overground, Underground and Wombling Free.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18The next stop for this train will be Waterloo.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20It's not meant to be, but the brakes have failed.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Yeah, I just wanted to tell you I'm on the train.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32No, everyone else is doing it, I thought I'd join in.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Hello, this is your driver speaking.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Choo-choo!
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Now an announcement for the people
0:27:47 > 0:27:50who insist on sitting the way the train is moving,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52cos sitting backwards feels weird -
0:27:52 > 0:27:53you're weird.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02This train will shortly be arriving on Taunton.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Please remember to turn off all mobile phones
0:28:04 > 0:28:06lest they mistake you for gods.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14This is an announcement for all passengers.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Piss off, the lot of you.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18This is CrossRail.
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Due to Britain leaving the EU,
0:28:28 > 0:28:32this train will no longer stop at Ashby-de-la-Zouch.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Bing-bong!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Could the owner of a missing xylophone
0:28:41 > 0:28:44please make their way to the guard's carriage?
0:28:46 > 0:28:48This is an announcement for the passengers
0:28:48 > 0:28:50who are complaining that this service is late.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Can I just point out that as this is Southern Rail,
0:28:52 > 0:28:55you're lucky to be on a fucking train at all?!
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Bing-bong! This is the bullet train service to...
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Oh, we're here. Everyone, off.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Will the driver please contact the guard?
0:29:09 > 0:29:12We're doing 120, you don't seem to be in the cab, mate.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Please mind the gap between the timetable and reality.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31There is a quiet carriage on this train
0:29:31 > 0:29:34for those shocked into silence by the price of the ticket.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Oh, don't get off here. I was listening to that.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Ah, I'm scared of tunnels. I'm so scared of tunnels.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James!
0:30:02 > 0:30:04CHEERING
0:30:06 > 0:30:08That's the end of the show.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10This week's winners are James Acaster,
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Hugh Dennis and Ed Byrne.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Commiserations to John Robbins, Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:34 > 0:30:38# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:39 > 0:30:45# Read all about it Read all about it
0:30:45 > 0:30:46# News of the world
0:30:46 > 0:30:47# News of the world. #