0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Miles Jupp, Ellie Taylor and Loyiso Gola,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Every week, there's kind of a little joke I do
0:00:54 > 0:00:56with the studio audience here, where I say, "Oh, don't worry,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59"you'll never get a camera pointed at you over the course of the show.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01"When do we ever show the audience on Mock The Week?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04"Only when we had Andy Murray, and none of you are Andy Murray!"
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Do you remember that joke from earlier on?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Well, tonight, one of you IS Andy Murray.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Ladies and gentlemen, in the audience tonight,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Wimbledon Champion Andy Murray!
0:01:11 > 0:01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Thank you both for coming. Congratulations.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22CHEERING CONTINUES
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- How are you? You well? - Yeah, good. How are you doing?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- Very, very well.- Imagine if he'd gone, "No, I'm shit!"
0:01:31 > 0:01:35- Am I allowed to ask Andy a question? - You are. Yes, I believe you are.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37You kept looking at notes between...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Were you slowly working your way through the Chilcot Report?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47"It's 2.6 million words! I've got to get through it at some point!"
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I've got a question as well. This is a bizarre question -
0:01:50 > 0:01:53how many bananas do you eat during a game?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Cos you... Cos they eat bananas, right?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Yeah, they do. They do. Well, if they...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Obviously, you're turning to me here. "Well, yes.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01"As an elite athlete,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03"I often eat bananas.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06"And chocolate bars. And it's delicious."
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Sorry, yes - how many would you get through? Is that still a thing?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Yeah, well...like, one?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13There you are.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Does it depend on the length of the match?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21During the Tsonga match, that's four or five bananas.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24That's a four- or five-banana game right there. You know what I mean?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Well, for you, it might be. But one... One for me.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30APPLAUSE
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Honestly, if we were talking about chips, that might hurt.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37But bananas sounds like, "Oh, I got my five-a-day."
0:02:37 > 0:02:38I have one.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41What is the most shocking thing you've done under the towel?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48When you threw the tennis racket into the crowd...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50it was a gamble, wasn't it?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Did you throw...? I didn't see it.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Did you overarm it? Cos that would be even...- Yeah, no, no, no...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Cos I've got tickets to see the javelin at Rio 2016...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I'm absolutely shitting myself!
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Now that we've done our informal press conference...
0:03:09 > 0:03:11..we start with the round called
0:03:11 > 0:03:13If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15On the board are six categories.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18By the way, welcome, all the way from South Africa, Loyiso.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- It's a pleasure to have you here, Loyiso.- Thank you.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Welcome. Which category would you like?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Um, Home News.- Home News it is. The category's Home News.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28The answer is...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29What is the question?
0:03:29 > 0:03:35Um, how long is Andy Murray going to party after he's won Wimbledon?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37APPLAUSE We'd like to believe so.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Not the correct answer in this situation.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Is the question, "If I say the phrase,
0:03:45 > 0:03:50" 'Miles Jupp and Dara O Briain riding a camel naked,'
0:03:50 > 0:03:53"how long until that image leaves your mind?"
0:03:55 > 0:03:56And I found out the hard way.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Is it, "How long ago did Andy Murray
0:04:00 > 0:04:05"put laxatives into Djokovic's breakfast?"
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Harsh.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11But...suspiciously true.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Is it, "How long does it take John Chilcot
0:04:14 > 0:04:16"to write a text message?"
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Is it, "How long is the average journey from London to Brighton,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"currently, on Southern Rail?"
0:04:23 > 0:04:26APPLAUSE
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Is it, "What is the name of the Craig David song
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"which ends with a verse about him being red-raw?"
0:04:37 > 0:04:39THAT is an image I can't get out of my head now.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Is it, "How long does it take to defrost Ivan Lendl?"
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"How much longer was my suitcase's holiday than mine?"
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Is it, "How much longer will the Labour Party last?"
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Oh, that's very ambitious for the Labour Party!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Is it, "How long traditionally does it take
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"to upstage a partridge in a pear tree?"
0:05:07 > 0:05:10APPLAUSE
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Anyone know the answer to this one? 12 Days, please.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16How long was the Tory leadership campaign?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Fantastic. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27"How long did the Conservative leadership contest last?"
0:05:27 > 0:05:28This is the news that, after just 12 days,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31the Tory Party leadership race is over.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Andrea Leadsom dramatically withdrew,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36paving the way for Theresa May to become Prime Minister.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Did you follow the dramatic leadership race?- Oh, yes.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Oh, it was exciting, wasn't it? - It was good, wasn't it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Strange, this candidate appeared from nowhere,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45from almost nowhere,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48and has disappeared again almost as quickly.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52But history? History will long recall the name "Angela Lansbury".
0:05:54 > 0:05:55There she is there,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58writing some murder, like she does before she runs for things.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Why was Angela Lansbury such a controversial figure, though?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Because she was actually Grayson Perry.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08She thought she would be a better Prime Minister than Theresa May
0:06:08 > 0:06:10because she had children.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12And, effectively, that only people with children
0:06:12 > 0:06:14would care about the future of the world.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18And that people who didn't have children, like Jesus, for example...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21..will be thinking, "As soon as I'm gone, that's it.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"I'm not... I don't care."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27As a childless woman, I would like to say
0:06:27 > 0:06:29that I think she actually has a point,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31because I couldn't give a shit, mate. Um...
0:06:31 > 0:06:34As a childless woman, I just wake up at, like, 11am,
0:06:34 > 0:06:35I just do some fracking...
0:06:37 > 0:06:40..then I go for some, like, a long lunch, have a bottle of wine.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Do I recycle it? Do I heck!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44And then just sort of go home and try and devalue the pound.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46And then repeat. That's it.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Do we know that she definitely has children, or is it just another lie?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Um, is it a British thing for people to just come out
0:06:56 > 0:07:00on their front step to tell you things, and then leave?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It's not even her house. It's not even her house.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05She was burgling that house, and...
0:07:05 > 0:07:06And then the police interrupted,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10and she decided that was probably the point to drop out of the race.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13By the way, welcome to the country. How are you finding it over here?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Um, nobody told me that you guys have foxes
0:07:16 > 0:07:18just running in the streets! I didn't know.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I saw a fox for the first time, and I was alarmed,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24and everyone was casual about it,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27cos I was like, "That is...not a dog."
0:07:29 > 0:07:30And then I'm from Africa -
0:07:30 > 0:07:32you guys assume we have animals walking around.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I haven't seen a fox in ten years,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36and the last time I saw a fox, it was in a zoo.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40And also you lied and you said it was summer!
0:07:42 > 0:07:46APPLAUSE Welcome, my friend. Welcome.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Theresa May ran a campaign - a successful campaign
0:07:51 > 0:07:53to become Prime Minister -
0:07:53 > 0:07:57by doing and saying nothing for about six weeks
0:07:57 > 0:08:00and just watching everyone else die.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02And it was like...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05The one thing we've learned is how Theresa May plays Call Of Duty.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Which is...
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Online, Theresa just finds a place to hide,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12holes up with the shotgun,
0:08:12 > 0:08:13lets the killing commence.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Pops out, lurking. Pam, pam, pam - gone.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Back in again.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20My big worry with Theresa May
0:08:20 > 0:08:22is that she might smile and it'll be winter for ever.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26LAUGHTER
0:08:26 > 0:08:28The crazy thing about Theresa May is, obviously,
0:08:28 > 0:08:29that hardly anyone has voted for her.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Like, I think it's 165 MPs have got her into power.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I think there are more members of the So Solid Crew
0:08:36 > 0:08:38than have voted her into power.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41You weren't elected, were you, to this position, Dara?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I wasn't. I stole it in a bloody coup.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47And would do it again, my friend.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49People have disappeared from this show, Miles -
0:08:49 > 0:08:51and would again - for raising those exact kind of questions.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Well, I'm just saying...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Where's Frankie now, where's Russell now? Gone.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58You will be dragged through the streets, Dara.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00You will be dragged through the streets like Gaddafi.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Then they'll be laughing.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06There were five regulars on this show - how many regulars now?
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Just poor, weak Hugh.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Poor, weak Hugh, who I own.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14APPLAUSE
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Hugh will always give the correct answer when I ask him to -
0:09:17 > 0:09:18won't you, Hugh, won't you, Hugh?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Your shoes are almost polished, sir.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Thank you, Hugh.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Hugh knows what's right for him.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26In other news...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I think you're terrific on the Megabus, sir.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34APPLAUSE
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I don't know if you're being sarcastic here, Hugh.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42And there goes the final regular. Incinerated.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Just me, and new people.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Moving on - what long-awaited report
0:09:46 > 0:09:48was finally published this week?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Chilcot.- The Chilcot Report.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Yeah.- It's available on Amazon - all 12 books.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55People who liked this report also liked...um...
0:09:57 > 0:10:00It's massive, isn't it? How many words is it?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01It's 2.6 million words.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Do you know who I feel sorry for
0:10:03 > 0:10:06is the bloke who's got to read the audio book.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- It's always Stephen Fry. - He'll be doing all the voices.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- AS STEPHEN FRY:- "And they found no weapons of mass destruction."
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Yes, but how, then, by contrast, will David Cameron be remembered?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20He'll be remembered as a man who could book a removal van
0:10:20 > 0:10:21within two days.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- That's impossible, isn't it? How do you do that?- It's brutal.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Brutal, that stuff!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Somewhere else in Britain, there is someone going,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33"What do you mean you can't come this morning?"
0:10:33 > 0:10:34We booked this months ago!
0:10:34 > 0:10:38It was three months ago, the date was clearly in the contract,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41we've reserved the parking, which was difficult enough to do -
0:10:41 > 0:10:42where are your men?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45How was David Cameron referenced by our guest tonight?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- Orally.- Yes.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- He mentioned him. Using his...mouth. - In what way, though, in what way?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53He did a kind of shout-out to him - he said,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55"David Cameron's here", during...
0:10:55 > 0:10:58When he'd just won Wimbledon, and then everyone booed.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Which is weird, because the press really picked up on the fact
0:11:00 > 0:11:01that everyone booed him -
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I'm like, leaders always get booed.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05The only time a leader gets cheered
0:11:05 > 0:11:07is either if you live in Love Actually or North Korea.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09That's it.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11So what has the world come to that a Conservative Prime Minister
0:11:11 > 0:11:13would get booed at Wimbledon?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18What has become the must-see attraction
0:11:18 > 0:11:20for Chinese tourists in the UK?
0:11:20 > 0:11:21- DARA COUGHS - Is it like...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23There's this weird village in... You all right?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- I've...got a bit of a cough. - Have you swallowed a moth?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31So... I'll ask the question again, shall I?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Yes. Rather than dying of pleurisy there.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36What has become...? God, I hope I don't die.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Wouldn't that be awful? If I die in the next while
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and you go, "Oh, I know, we never asked."
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Ah, 2016, another great gone.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46LAUGHTER
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Weirdly, it's like you're mocking me even though I've died?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I'm not even dead, you're going, "Well, he's no David Bowie!"
0:11:53 > 0:11:57The only thing I'm thinking is, "Then I will have won."
0:12:01 > 0:12:03APPLAUSE
0:12:04 > 0:12:06OK. At the end of that round,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08the points go to Loyiso, Ellie and Miles!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Now we play a round called Netflix And Chilcot.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20MILES GUFFAWS
0:12:20 > 0:12:22This game involves Loyiso and Milton.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I launch the Wheel Of News and, wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34OK, here we go. Let's have the first topic, please.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37The first subject is Politics.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Who shall come in on Politics?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Loyiso.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44So you guys all, erm,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47are worried about your prime ministers and that kind of stuff -
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I'd say calm down.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Because I'm from South Africa,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55and the guy who is the head of state now
0:12:55 > 0:12:59was facing 763 charges before he became the president.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04That's a lot of crime.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08You have to break the law every day for two years.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Cos you guys are...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I mean, we had a great president,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17our first democratically elected president, President Nelson Mandela.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19And I had the opportunity to meet Nelson Mandela -
0:13:19 > 0:13:21he came up to me, I was a young lad,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I think I was about 12 and stuff.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25He came up to me and said...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- AS MANDELA:- "Uh, uh, young man...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"..would you like me to tell you a joke?"
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I said, "Yeah, go ahead, it's your country."
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"Uh, knock-knock."
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I said, "Who's there?"
0:13:42 > 0:13:44"Who else speaks like this?"
0:13:44 > 0:13:47APPLAUSE
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Thank you very much, Loyiso.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53That leaves us with Milton.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Let's see what you've given. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00And it's Jobs.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Milton.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Have you noticed that if you Google the phrase
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"lost medieval servant boy"...
0:14:11 > 0:14:13..it says "this page cannot be found"?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19APPLAUSE
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Some of you are going to be doing that tomorrow.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I think if I was opening a Pizza Express,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I'd open it next to a Vision Express
0:14:30 > 0:14:33so we got some of their customers by mistake.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40If I had unlimited money I would hire two private investigators
0:14:40 > 0:14:42and get them to follow each other.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Do you ever get that thing where you think someone is probably definitely
0:14:51 > 0:14:53wearing a wig and you think...?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I'm sorry, Your Honour.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I'm a bit of a lazy writer,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05according to my children, QWERTY and F12.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Being a PE teacher, that's easy. Urgh, urgh!
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Shiny!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- I teach running. - HE WHISTLES
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Run!
0:15:25 > 0:15:30- I teach swimming. - HE WHISTLES
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Swim!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36And a tiny, tiny little bit of geography.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- HE WHISTLES - Jog!
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Loyiso Gola and Milton Jones! Come back, both of you.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57I show the panel a topical image
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02So, what is going on here?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Is it Murray showing Tim Henman how bath time is different?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Is Andy Murray going to be cryogenically frozen
0:16:17 > 0:16:21and brought back when Novak Djokovic has retired?
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Sorry, Andy!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- Zing!- I know what it is.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Andy is from Scotland, they don't get too much sun over there.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32He is enjoying the reflection of the trophy.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I am assuming that is the picture he has put on eBay!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48He looks like a centaur. He looks...
0:16:50 > 0:16:53It looks like his legs bend backwards in the bath.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56That must be how he covers the court so quickly.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59If his legs flip backwards, you could never lob me, my friend.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03He always plays on CENTAUR court!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Bravo!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14That trophy, you could fit your head inside.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Have you toyed with putting your head in the trophy
0:17:16 > 0:17:18and playing Knightmare?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I haven't, actually, no.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27When you get home, you are going to have the time of your life!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Have you put the baby in the trophy?
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- You've surely put the baby in the trophy.- She doesn't fit.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38We tried, but...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I have a difficult... Congratulations, by the way.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55That is what you say before you dig into someone.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01I have difficulty appreciating tennis because every point
0:18:01 > 0:18:07and every set and everything you do in tennis is in silence
0:18:07 > 0:18:09and absolute concentration.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Do you know how many goals Jamie Vardy would score
0:18:12 > 0:18:17if people just shut up before he kicked the ball? No, yes?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21I feel you have not been watching Andy
0:18:21 > 0:18:25who has a distinctive monologue running.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28This is not a man who hides his emotions.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"This is going so badly!"
0:18:32 > 0:18:37"Now it seems to have turned, it has turned. Now it's gone badly again."
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"I lost a point, I won a point!"
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Jesus, it must be exhausting being Andy Murray.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Those people in the box that you have invited, and you shout at them.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48You know, mate, unlucky
0:18:48 > 0:18:52but you're about to get a taste of your own medicine, you Scottish...!
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I would love you to come on. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Why did you make me do this, Mum?!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Sorry, that wasn't about you. That was just my own problem.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Why is there a pineapple on top of the trophy?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Is it a pineapple on top of the trophy?- Yeah, it's a pineapple.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Are you meant to fill it with Lilt?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Try that tonight, after the baby.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24We presume they just give you this thing,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26presumably it is back in a safe.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Do you get to have it for any period of time?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31That was the last time I saw it, actually.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Where the hell is it?!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Did you turn away and come back and, "What?! The trophy has gone!"
0:19:37 > 0:19:39This would be the place to tell them.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41"We have told you this trophy has a no nudity rule,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43"we are taking this away from you."
0:19:43 > 0:19:49"This trophy has not seen a penis in 127 years! Not now."
0:19:49 > 0:19:51They took the trophy away, do they give you a replica?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Yeah, a small one.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Can you fit your head in that one? - What can you fit in that one?
0:20:01 > 0:20:05We'll cut the mic out.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Does anyone wish to ask further questions?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- What are we meant to be answering? - What is going on here?!
0:20:11 > 0:20:15I think we have blown the gaffe. We know what is going on here.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17What is going on is we are offending the only person
0:20:17 > 0:20:20that has done anything good in Britain this year.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23APPLAUSE
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Yes, this is a picture of Andy Murray after
0:20:29 > 0:20:32winning his second Wimbledon title, making him the first British man
0:20:32 > 0:20:36to win multiple Wimbledon singles titles since Fred Perry in 1935.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Did you watch the match? - Of course I watched it. He's here.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45How many towels did you steal this year, there was a thing...?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- Yeah, one a match I steal. - That's fair enough.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53People came to the players and said,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55"Apparently the towels are going missing" and every player,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59yourself, it was Serena, I've forgotten the others,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01"Yeah, we steal the towels, that's what we do.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04"What are you going to do?"
0:21:04 > 0:21:08They don't come in and go, "Yeah, I will give you the towel back."
0:21:11 > 0:21:15"We will sell it to a local school."
0:21:15 > 0:21:19I liked Roger Federer because he used to be called Roger Feder
0:21:19 > 0:21:23then he met another Roger Feder but he was determined to be FEDERER.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30That is a good joke, man!
0:21:30 > 0:21:34APPLAUSE
0:21:36 > 0:21:40You finally began to get why Milton is here.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Who cracked a rare smile after Andy's victory?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- It was Ivan Lendl.- Yes.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50A man who makes Mr Spock look like Graham Norton.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56You think why is he so good and it's
0:21:56 > 0:22:00because it is like being watched by Lord Voldemort.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02He brought his dental floss with him.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08It was a relief when he moved
0:22:08 > 0:22:11because for the first two sets I was thinking, "Is he alive?"
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I thought he died a few days ago,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18you were doing a Weekend At Bernie's situation.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19I'm sure he's a nice man.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24He's lovely and the C on his cap stands for charismatic!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30How did the other Brits do at Wimbledon?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Great. Sue Barker kept her job.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35She did.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37She didn't have it last year but she's got it this year.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41- They nailed it. Heather Watson won. - Heather Watson won mixed doubles.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Gordon Reid in the men's wheelchair singles,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Gordon Reid and Alfie Hewett for the wheelchair doubles,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Jordanne Whiley for the women's wheelchair doubles
0:22:47 > 0:22:49and Greg Rusedski in the invitation men's doubles.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I don't know why we're including that one.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- Greg Rusedski?- Hm? Greg Rusedski... - Is he still going?- Still going!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Got Greg Rusedski, Tony Blair and Pokemon is back.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- What a time for the '90s!- It is...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04The '90s were great, weren't they? Let's do it all again.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- No, let's not.- OK, fine. Yes!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:15At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See
0:23:19 > 0:23:22so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:23 > 0:23:26then we'll see what our panellists can come up with. OK, here we go.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28The first subject is...
0:23:34 > 0:23:38And there you have it, Andy Murray has won his second Wimbledon.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Thank you for watching.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I'm Tim Henman, this is the worst day of my life.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Let's see what the batsmen does with this ball.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51He's nicked it.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Give us back our ball!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Well, he's really got on the end of that.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00He has hit that ball a long way.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Long, long, long way back into the crowd.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03That is dreadful snooker.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Rooney to Vardy.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Back to Rooney. To Vardy.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16No, neither of them can open that packet of sandwiches.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25And the result for the Russian doping tests have come out.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I must say, those are some good drugs.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34So lovely to see Quidditch finally in the Olympics.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Look at all the proud, proud virgins.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Usually Bouchard hits the backhand...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46That is a fantastic shot!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Well done the cameraman, low angle,
0:24:48 > 0:24:49perfect view of her knickers.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00So you join us here for the opening ceremony of Rio 2016.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02And the stadium is rocking.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Mainly because they haven't finished building it yet.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09HE MIMICS AN F1 CAR
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Yes, this Grand Prix has been cancelled
0:25:11 > 0:25:13but I've managed to catch a wasp under this paper cup.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16HE MIMICS A WASP
0:25:19 > 0:25:22That's a bull's-eye and you know what that means?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I won't be buying a pie from Greggs again.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33McIlroy takes out the driver.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Uber aren't going to be happy about that.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Look at all these athletes in peak physical condition.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49If I could see just one of them naked I would die happy.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57And with one lap to go, the pacemaker drops out.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Where the fuck is my pacemaker?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05OK, the next topic is...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13They fell back onto the bed, panting.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15He turned to George and said,
0:26:15 > 0:26:16"I will be with you, whatever."
0:26:24 > 0:26:27"Goodness," said Elizabeth Bennet, returning to the drawing-room.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29"I'd leave that for five."
0:26:36 > 0:26:40She pulled his hair and slapped him roughly
0:26:40 > 0:26:42but still Jeremy Corbyn wouldn't resign.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50He opened an eye, she thought she might love him.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53He opened another eye, she thought she DID love him.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55He opened another eye, she was put right off.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01She looked into his eyes and said, "This is not going to work out.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"I am from a wealthy family
0:27:03 > 0:27:05"and you're a donkey."
0:27:11 > 0:27:14She kissed him, the only way she knew how.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16On his penis, right on his penis.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26He felt so close to her he didn't know where he ended and she began.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Being a human centipede was the worst.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36They romped for hours in the long grass,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40stopping only for her to take her antihistamine nasal spray.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46"You.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"I love you,"
0:27:48 > 0:27:50said Mellors the gardener.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53"Oak and beech are fine but my favourite tree is yew."
0:27:58 > 0:28:03As she looked at Mr Darcy with his clothes dripping wet, she thought,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06"I wish I hadn't taken that job at the old people's home."
0:28:10 > 0:28:12What do I love about you? Your eyes, your hair.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Your Irish passport.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24"Please stop doing that," he said, their bodies glistening.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26"I've got a long drive to Wrexham in the morning
0:28:26 > 0:28:29"and I need to be able to sit comfortably."
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Eyes,
0:28:34 > 0:28:36you are all eyes,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Miss Mississippi.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Kim turned to Andy and said, "Yes, of course I will."
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Andy said...
0:28:50 > 0:28:54- MONOTONE:- "Thank you for making me the happiest man in the world."
0:28:58 > 0:29:00At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton!
0:29:00 > 0:29:03APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:08 > 0:29:10And that's the end of the show.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Our thanks to Miles Jupp, Ellie Taylor and Loyiso Gola.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:16 > 0:29:20Thanks as well to Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdicombe.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:22 > 0:29:25But the winner of the very important, really impressive
0:29:25 > 0:29:28and we're really proud of this, winner of the Mock The Week -
0:29:28 > 0:29:30this is one the most special trophies currently existing
0:29:30 > 0:29:35at the moment is the Mock The Week episode 155 winner.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37And there can only be one winner of this trophy
0:29:37 > 0:29:38and it is, of course,
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Andy Murray, ladies and gentlemen!
0:29:40 > 0:29:42CHEERING A proper trophy!
0:29:42 > 0:29:45How will I...? I've got to, you know, I'm going to bring it to Andy.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49I'm going to bring it to you, Andy. I'm going to bring you this trophy!
0:29:49 > 0:29:51I'm going to get this trophy to you, Andy.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53How am I going to get up there?
0:29:53 > 0:29:55No, I've got to get up there.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57I'll going the full tennis style, yes!
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Oh, here. Seriously, oh.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01This is the way they do it!
0:30:01 > 0:30:04They love doing this shit!
0:30:04 > 0:30:06You can't stop them.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Oh, God, that one was close. That chair's breaking.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Hang on, wrong way. Lovely. Oh, sorry, hang on.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Right. Oh, thank you. You're very kind.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15No. Lovely. OK. Oh, they're up here.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17No, hang on. Lovely. I've gone too far!
0:30:17 > 0:30:20They're there! You're there! You're there. Sorry. Excuse me.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Sorry.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Ladies and gentlemen, the trophy goes to Andy Murray!
0:30:25 > 0:30:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Thank you for watching. That's all from Mock The Week. Goodnight!