0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Ed Gamble, Tiff Stevenson and Rob Beckett,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening,
0:00:57 > 0:00:58so what is going on here?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Is it Celebrity First Dates?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Is this what happens when you swipe right on Tinder
0:01:06 > 0:01:08without looking properly?
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I suspect that she is thinking, "Don't call him Dobby."
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Is he saying now, "Listen, gorgeous, hey, gorgeous.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25"I met this chick in Kiev."
0:01:33 > 0:01:36This was actually taken at Euro 2016 and just after the photo, she hit him with a chair.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Remember that guy, it was two months ago, the old fine?
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Topical comedy!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49They're both thinking, "OK, last night was a mistake."
0:01:56 > 0:02:01I reckon he just said to her, "Girl, are you a beaver? Cos damn!"
0:02:04 > 0:02:08As the photographer said, "OK, now, act like you stayed together for the children."
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I tell you what this reminds me of,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17it reminds me of my parents confronting me suddenly
0:02:17 > 0:02:19and my dad confiscating my windsurf
0:02:19 > 0:02:22and hiding it behind his chair until I ate the cauliflower.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32It's difficult to know what length to do your tie, isn't it?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Because I imagine standing up, that's OK.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Sitting down, that's a proper ball tickler, that one.
0:02:42 > 0:02:48- Do any of you have the correct answer?- I think it's the G20, isn't it? In China, weirdly.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50But she met Putin when she was there.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52That's absolutely fine. Thank you very much, Hugh, very good.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Yes, it's a picture of Theresa May and Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit
0:03:00 > 0:03:03in Hangzhou in China earlier this week.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06What were the British delegates warned about at the summit?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- Oh, honey traps.- A lot of honey traps going on.- Yeah.- What I want to know is how arrogant you have to be
0:03:10 > 0:03:12as one of these politicians
0:03:12 > 0:03:14to think you have genuinely pulled within hours of landing.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Like, "Don't worry, I'm not going to get done by any honey traps.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"I'm spending the night with this hot bird."
0:03:20 > 0:03:22That's why it's good having a woman in charge though,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24cos Theresa's not going to fall for that.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26We're instantly suspicious
0:03:26 > 0:03:28when someone wants to be friends with us out the blue.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It's, like, "What are you after? My job, my boyfriend? I'll kill you."
0:03:33 > 0:03:38They think, don't they, they think there's surveillance in all the rooms they've been warned against...
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Imagine living a life where you're just watched and listened to.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49It's so obvious, though, isn't it?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Like, this has happened in every Bond film.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I don't know how they're falling for it. It would only be more obvious
0:03:54 > 0:03:56if the spy was called Ivana Suck-your-dong.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"Well, Ivana, why do you keep interrupting our lovemaking to go,
0:04:00 > 0:04:06"'one, one, two, two, one, one, one, two, two, two'?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"It's not sexy at all, Ivana."
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- How did the G20 go, anyway? - The old G20?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Oh, I can't stop listening about the old G20.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- Your favourite rap group, innit, Rob?- I love them.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I liked them when they were G4. I followed them all the way through.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Are you finding this a dry and dull subject?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Everyone bangs on about the G20. It's been going since 2008.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I've got older things on me Sky+.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- It's not a big deal.- We have to cover these things. A week ago, I had fighting robots to talk to.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38This is not where I expected to be now, right?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43We know you really want to be back there
0:04:43 > 0:04:47when you start referring to Hugh as the last remaining house robot.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55It's like if one of you flips him midway through the show.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Flip him, and Hugh is left immobilised.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- Unable to correct himself. Whirring furiously.- Throw him in the pit.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Sorry, you were saying? - It has been quite...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Sorry, Sir Kill-a-lot. What were you saying?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15The G20 has been quite difficult for Theresa May, hasn't it?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Because it's her first sort of outing on the international stage.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21She's had lots of awkward conversations,
0:05:21 > 0:05:22not least with the Chinese president
0:05:22 > 0:05:25because she has to keep resisting saying, "27 golds."
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Yes, the Chinese president, whose name is?- Xi Jinping.- Xi Jinping. Very good. Yes, Xi Jinping.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Apparently, his father made the mistake of christening him
0:05:34 > 0:05:36in the same room as a microwave.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45If all the rooms are getting bugged, and they're listening in,
0:05:45 > 0:05:46we should try and make the most of it,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49cos obviously it's stressful. So we should try and divert the attention,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Theresa May could be in the hotel room going, "Oh, my God,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54"I can't believe Barack Obama's going to invade Hong Kong."
0:05:56 > 0:05:59You could start making requests as well, like, saying things like,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01"Oh, I'd definitely say yes to Hinkley
0:06:01 > 0:06:03"if there was Nando's for lunch."
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Apparently, the Chinese are desperate not to look as if they're
0:06:10 > 0:06:13spying, which is why it's now called Beijing instead of Peking.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21How, by the way, how was this trip for everyone else? Obama was there.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23- Did he have a good time? - Well, the Philippine president
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- described him as a son of a whore. - Yes.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27That's really taking "your mum" to a new level.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32The Philippine president has got a history of doing that. So he called Obama a son of a whore.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Apparently, he called Pope Francis a son of a whore
0:06:35 > 0:06:37and a US ambassador a son of a whore.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I'm starting to think his translator's just winging it.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"Oh, just something, something something, son of a whore."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"I don't know, he's hammered, he's drunk."
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Sorry, I was going to say, I just sort of think Obama...
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Are we that bothered that Obama is getting snubbed? He's on his way out anyway.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57He's been having a bloody holiday for the last...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59He's not really doing anything, is he? He's dicking around.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Like, doing little comedy bits,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04like, slamming Donald Trump, trying to make us forget
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- that he authorised the drone strikes. He...- I might be too happy.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10But I think you might not be happy enough, Romesh.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I just... No, listen.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Now, there, Obama. Romesh is keeping an eye on you, so you better,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25you better do some stuff.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29He has told us that we can't expect a trade deal with America,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- that's one of the things he's done, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35He said, after Brexit, if we try and organise a trade deal with the US,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37we are at the back of the queue.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Cos he's got to do one with China and the EU.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I mean, they you go, he's trying to explain queueing to Britain.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48That's exactly it. And I think...
0:07:48 > 0:07:49This is exactly it, you think...
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Relative to them, relative to them,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55what we want in a trade deal is very, very small so there should be
0:07:55 > 0:07:59a different queue... Five items or less queue.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Please, please, I want to bring some sense to this by having a sober,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08normal discussion about a serious news story. Right.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Which Labour MP would you turn to if you wanted to buy a washing machine?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14H-e-e-e-y!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Keith Vaz, Keith Vaz, Keith Vaz.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- Yes.- Why is Keith Vaz in the news this week?- Oh, well,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23it's because he was with some male escorts
0:08:23 > 0:08:26and he lied to protect his identity.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29He said that he was a washing machine salesman.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31He didn't mention a brand but he did say there would be a heavy load.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Apparently, he's the first person to complete Grindr.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47I didn't know it was like Poke-a-man Go. That you go, "Oh, look, there's a gay man there.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- "There, there."- Gotta catch 'em all! Gotta collect 'em all!- Fling me Poke Balls at the gay man.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I need more Poke Balls, find some more Poke Balls.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55It's a tricky one, isn't it?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Cos he's used these two male prostitutes, and yet,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03he was the chairman of the Commons Home Affairs Select Committee
0:09:03 > 0:09:06which was looking at prostitution, changes in it.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09So it's either hypocrisy and a terrible thing has happened
0:09:09 > 0:09:11or he's one of the few MPs
0:09:11 > 0:09:14who actually knows what the hell he's talking about.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I do actually... I feel sorry for him
0:09:16 > 0:09:19because he is somebody that's actually gone out of his way.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22He's obviously a heterosexual man, married with kids,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25and despite that, for the purposes of research...
0:09:27 > 0:09:30..he has gone and slept with male prostitutes
0:09:30 > 0:09:33in order to demonstrate his commitment
0:09:33 > 0:09:35to finding out exactly what it's all about.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36And also, people ignore
0:09:36 > 0:09:39how difficult it is to have sex full stop when your name is Keith.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I mean, it's almost impossible.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44He's gone method, and he's like Daniel Day Lewis.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Washing machine salesman, I mean,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49it's typical Labour - spin, spin, spin.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- It was Romanians, wasn't it, the sex workers?- Eastern European.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I mean, this story gets better and better
0:10:01 > 0:10:04because he is one of the people that went to the airport to welcome
0:10:04 > 0:10:08the Romanian immigrants arriving in this country a while ago.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10And that seemed nice at the time...
0:10:10 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:16But now feels like the most sinister thing I've ever heard.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"Welcome to our country..."
0:10:19 > 0:10:21HE SLOBBERS
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"Your clothes look dirty.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28"I've got something for you."
0:10:28 > 0:10:31"Wash-y, wash-y, dirty boy..."
0:10:31 > 0:10:33APPLAUSE
0:10:35 > 0:10:39And one of them has said that they hadn't tried poppers and then
0:10:39 > 0:10:41he tried to sell poppers instead of just going, oh,
0:10:41 > 0:10:46it's five seconds of "Ooh," followed by an hour and a half of "Aargh."
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Don't you have to pick it all up?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Yes.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Yes, it's very messy.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I'm sorry...just...
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Oh, gay men, I have to wonder what it's like.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05"This house is a mess! Are you secretly gay?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"There's strands of confetti everywhere!
0:11:07 > 0:11:11"Have you been in here with your gay friends, John? Be honest with me."
0:11:11 > 0:11:12POP OK.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Yes, you'd like me to end the round.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18You'd like me to end the round.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- We're really getting some deep truths about politics.- Yeah, mate.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24OK, at the end of that round,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27the points go to Romesh, Hugh and Milton.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Now we play a round called Ain't No Party Like A Keith Vaz Party.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42This game involves Ed and Milton, so if you could make your way
0:11:42 > 0:11:43to the performance area, please.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:47 > 0:11:51one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52OK, here we go. Spin the wheel.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56And the first subject is health.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Ed Gamble.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00So, in the last three years,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- I've lost 6st in weight. - SILENCE
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Cheers.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:08No, too late. A lot of audiences like to clap, they like to whoop, they like to cheer.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12You guys just went with staring and that is absolutely fine, that's...
0:12:12 > 0:12:16That's all right. That's fine. I think I might have made a mistake, as well. Cos I'm not as happy, now.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I thought health would equal happiness.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Turns out, the happiest moments of my life was just
0:12:20 > 0:12:24me sat on the sofa in my pants laughing through a mouthful of cake.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I'm a more worried person now.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I think, am I eating the right thing? Am I exercising enough?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I went for a run the other day. I accidentally swallowed a fly.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I had to Google, how many calories is a fly?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Six per serving, if you're wondering.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Weirdly now, I feel like an undercover fat person
0:12:41 > 0:12:45who has been secretly sent into the lair of the thin people
0:12:45 > 0:12:48to gather information on what those crazy villains are doing.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50And then I feed it back to the fat people.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52You've got to feed it back. We eat anything.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56So I'm in there, just going, what are the thin people up to?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00What's going on? Oh, interesting. That guy has got a packed lunch.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03But he's actually eating it at lunchtime.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Hmm, I have never seen that before.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10He's not just made it in the morning
0:13:10 > 0:13:12and then eaten it on the bus on the way to work,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14and then bought chips at one.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17That is intriguing resolve.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20They're using phrases I've never heard before.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Things that only thin people say.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26"I think I've got some biscuits, I'll just go and check."
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Who's living their life like that?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Who buys biscuits and then forgets that they exist?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38That is unacceptable.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I'm so deep undercover I've met the bosses of the Thin Mafia.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44People who don't even like food that much.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47"Oh, no, I'm not really a food person, you know.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50"It's more of a fuel, helps me get through the day."
0:13:50 > 0:13:53If you don't like food, then what are you thinking about
0:13:53 > 0:13:54all of the time?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Thank you very much, Ed Gamble.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05That leaves us with Milton - let's see what you have been left with.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10The topic is shopping.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Tricky, isn't it? When you go to buy a toaster and at the end,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24the shop assistant says, "Well, what about insurance?"
0:14:24 > 0:14:27And you don't want to, but you end up taking a hostage.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Recently, I bought the autobiography of Francesco Sello,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37the man who invented Sellotape.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39But I couldn't find the beginning.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45So, lads, if you want to confuse a girl,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48best thing to do is buy her a pair of chocolate shoes.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:01APPLAUSE
0:15:04 > 0:15:06So I took my cases and my clothes to Tesco,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09because they say they help you pack your bags.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Instead, everyone was just running around saying,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16do you want some fruit and veg, do you want some fruit and veg?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Turns out it was one of those hypermarkets.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24What else can I tell you about myself?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25I own a small zoo.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28And a pirate ship.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Although, not at the same time.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31I didn't buy that much Lego!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I mean, we think of pirates as being all smiley.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Turns out, they are actually all Somali.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42APPLAUSE
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Milton Jones.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48The points go to Ed Gamble.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Our next round is called, If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01On the board are six categories.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Romesh, which category would you like?- Sport, please.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07OK. The category is sport.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08The answer is 264.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10What is the question?
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Is it, the number of back-to-school photos of our kids
0:16:15 > 0:16:17my wife posted up this morning?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Each one more delightful than the last.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I'm just... The second one ain't even that good-looking!
0:16:23 > 0:16:24You know what I mean?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Keep them secret for the good of the family name, know what I mean?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Yeah, because you're really trailblazing in that department!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Listen, mate. That's the problem. The poor bastard looks like me.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Know what I mean? That's what I'm saying.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41The wife goes, shall we have another one? If we have a girl, the risk...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I'm not willing to spin the wheel.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44I'm not willing to do that.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47A girl that looks like an Asian Rolf Harris - absolutely not, mate.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Is it...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57How happy is Romesh out of one million?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Is it, what would be a rather worrying nickname
0:17:08 > 0:17:11for the parents of your new girlfriend to give you?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Is it, how many free seats on the train
0:17:15 > 0:17:18does Jeremy Corbyn count as no free seats?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Is it the new retirement age in Greece?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Is it how many hours in a junior doctor's working week?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- GROANS - Yeah, right, guys. I went there.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Is it, how many dick pics I get sent
0:17:34 > 0:17:36every time this show goes out to air?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- ROB:- Sorry.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Is it the number of voters in the referendum that actually
0:17:45 > 0:17:47fully understood the ramifications of what they were voting for?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- LAUGHTER - Yes! True dat, Rom!
0:17:51 > 0:17:52True dat!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Is it, how many summers must pass
0:17:57 > 0:18:00before you reach the sell-by date of a Peperami?
0:18:04 > 0:18:08If each member of Jedward had 132 sweets,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11how many people in the country remember who Jedward are?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Anyone have the correct answer, please?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Across the whole series, how many points am I ahead?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Because I think you'll find it is.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Anyone have the actual correct answer?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33It's how many Paralympic athletes are there in the GB team?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Absolutely right. - Thank you very much.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- Very quickly...- Go on.- 265.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Now, when you count that point.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51I thought you meant somebody else has just acquired a disability!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54And then wheeled away.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Whoosh! And suddenly you're wearing a Team GB outfit.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Wheel and dive. - See you in Rio!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Yes, the question I was looking for was - how many athletes
0:19:07 > 0:19:11is Team GB fielding at this year's Paralympic Games in Rio de Janeiro?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12264 Paralympic athletes
0:19:12 > 0:19:15will represent Great Britain and Northern Ireland across 19 events.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19The competition starts on Wednesday and runs until 18 September.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21However, what hazards might the athletes face in Rio?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Things are very difficult for the Paralympians in Rio,
0:19:24 > 0:19:25because there are unfinished...
0:19:25 > 0:19:26There are holes in the ground
0:19:26 > 0:19:29and uncovered wires and ramps and bridges that are not finished.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32But things are not any better for Paralympians here.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I'm looking forward to the British Paralympian medallists
0:19:34 > 0:19:37coming back to a hero's welcome and lots of media coverage
0:19:37 > 0:19:39and the government telling them that, you know,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42perfectly good for work and they're having all their benefits cancelled.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- It's going to happen.- Are they not selling tickets, either?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Well, it's beginning to turn around now, but...
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Tickets were £2.30, some tickets.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53They slashed the prices.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56If you don't want to pay £2.30 to watch two geezers in wheelchairs
0:19:56 > 0:19:58have a sword fight, I don't know what's wrong with you!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Sounds quality. I loved it when it was in London.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03How did you enjoy the Summer Olympics?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04It was a mixed bag, wasn't it,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07because I went there one day and in the morning,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I got mugged and hit over the head with something and double vision,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14but in the afternoon, I saw some of the best synchronised swimming I've ever seen...
0:20:14 > 0:20:16LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Immaculate, wasn't it? It really was.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I ended up watching a lot of beach volleyball.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23I love the beach volleyball.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- Not for the obvious... - TIFF:- Really?!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Yeah, no, not for the obvious reason.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29The reason I love it, is because after every point,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31whether they win or lose,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34whether it's good or bad, they hug each other.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Everyone hugs after every single point.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40It's almost like they just really want to hug each other
0:20:40 > 0:20:43and the sport is completely incidental.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- Do you want Romesh to give you a hug when you get something right?- Yes.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Yeah, right.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Why was Hiroki Ogita one of the heroes of the Games?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Is this the guy that... he knocked his pole-vault off?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02He was a pole-vaulter, a Japanese pole-vaulter. Yes.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04So he did a jump...
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- A vault.- And he sort of pretty much clears it.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09He is pretty much over, yeah.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12But he does knock it down and at first you think, well,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15what's happened there? And the slow motion shows, actually,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18it was his penis that knocked the bar.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Heavy bell.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21That is not the most vivid angle.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23We're not allowed to show you the most vivid angle.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- For legal reasons... ROB:- Really?- Yeah, they wouldn't give the rights to show it.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- What?- I think the... - Has his penis got an agent?
0:21:33 > 0:21:37That is...that is classic cock-blocking.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38It is.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42AS AGENT: You want to use my client's cock? You want to use my client's cock? You pay!
0:21:42 > 0:21:43You pay big for...
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Hiroki's penis does not go on your show
0:21:46 > 0:21:48until you sign on the dotted line.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I'm going to make this cock the biggest cock in the world!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I've represented some of the biggest penises in this country.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58That's a pretty victorious return home for a loser,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01them going, "Why didn't you win a gold medal?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03And he just went, "My dick is too big!"
0:22:03 > 0:22:05With this thing? With this monster?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10In other news, who is making a surprise appearance on Strictly?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Ed Balls.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Ed Balls is. Yes, he is.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14It's not a surprise.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Because he did announce it a month ago.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I don't know why...the words was in and I just read it.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21It's a bit of a "fuck you, San Diego" moment.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Shall we do it again without that word in it?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Speaking of Labour, who is making an appearance
0:22:31 > 0:22:33in the current series of Strictly?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's quite a surprise, it was Ed Balls!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER Yes, it was.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Yeah. In a blue tuxedo, as well.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Who else is getting a blue tuxedo? - You!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Yes, I was buying myself a blue tuxedo recently
0:22:47 > 0:22:49and I'd paid the money for it
0:22:49 > 0:22:52and I see Ed Balls ruining blue tuxedos for ever.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54When would you wear a blue tuxedo?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56For events when we have to wear tuxedos.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Isn't that all black... That's black-tie, then.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Yeah, the ties are black but the tuxedo is blue.- Oh, OK.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05A lot of politicians are good at dancing, although Desmond Tutu
0:23:05 > 0:23:07wasn't wearing what I thought he was going to be.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Would you do Strictly?- I wouldn't,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14because I've got a dodgy knee anyway.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- So I couldn't do it. - I got asked to do Splash.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- That is a lot easier. TIFF:- I can see that.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Oh, God, I couldn't think of anything worse!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25But you shouldn't slag off reality shows and stuff like that
0:23:25 > 0:23:27cos you're only ever four Eastern European rent boys
0:23:27 > 0:23:28away from doing one, aren't you?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34That footage of him on Strictly was so embarrassing, I'm surprised
0:23:34 > 0:23:37he didn't pretend to be a washing machine salesman called Jim.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Yeah, he said it was a midlife crisis, didn't he?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44But looking at the state of him in that photo,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I think midlife is a bit optimistic, isn't it?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49In that photo, basically that suit was actually sequinned,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51but he breathed out, and then...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Apparently, his Native American name is Dances With Difficulty.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Tiff and Ed.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14So if everybody could make their way over to the performance area...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I will read out this week's topics
0:24:16 > 0:24:19and we will see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20OK, here we go.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22The first subject is...
0:24:28 > 0:24:31These dots, these dashes, what do they mean, Inspector?
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Morse?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Look, I'm sorry, Poirot, but Brexit means Brexit, so...
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Welcome to Midsomer, Officer Patel.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58On entering the house, we found a feline jammed into a Xerox machine.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00We think it was a copycat crime.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Welcome to Baker Street, madam.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10It seems you came from Sevenoaks via Waterloo
0:25:10 > 0:25:13and you bought those shoes at Selfridge's.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15And you're here because you fear someone is...
0:25:15 > 0:25:17stalking you.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Sarge, I've searched all his pockets
0:25:23 > 0:25:26and there's no sign of the stolen butt plug.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Blood, skin, fragments of bone.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Why did I order the sausages?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45And according to the coroner's report,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48he had his head removed and a wedge of lime shoved down his neck.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Sorry, that's the Corona's report.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57You're arresting me for playing chess in the road?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59It's because I'm black, isn't it?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Oh, it's elementary, is it, you sarky prick?!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I think going undercover at the strip joint is a good idea.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18But is it really your thing, Miss Marple?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25There is some semen at the crime scene.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27What can I say - I love forensics!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Well, I tell you what, Watson.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36How about this week you solve the crime
0:26:36 > 0:26:38and I'll ask all the stupid fucking questions!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48This week on The Bill, an unlikely suspect -
0:26:48 > 0:26:49someone who can act!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56The bloods have come back from the lab
0:26:56 > 0:26:58but the crips are held up in traffic.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs Trump.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Now, firstly, can you think of anyone
0:27:06 > 0:27:08who didn't have a motive to do this?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17These are his movements just before he was killed.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18You!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26OK, the next topic is...
0:27:30 > 0:27:34And that's a world record from Usain Bolt - 9.5!
0:27:34 > 0:27:35In one night!
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Let's see what's happening in the velodrome...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Yes, cycling.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Oh, you won a gold? Well done. What in?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Canoeing? Oh, get a life, mate!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I've just come out of the diving pool.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Look at the colour of my legs.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Look at that masterful control of his javelin!
0:28:13 > 0:28:15He really is the best streaker we've had all year.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Well, this is the pommel horse, and that plaintive neighing
0:28:21 > 0:28:24is the horse that they are pommelling.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Time for the next fight, now.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35He floats like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37He's got a black belt, he's got five black belts...
0:28:37 > 0:28:38OK, he's a wasp.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48And if you'd like to enjoy our coverage of the dressage,
0:28:48 > 0:28:49we recommend MDMA.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57And his penis has slapped the top of the bar.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59That is a straight ban from Wetherspoons.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08The allegations of drug use have been strenuously denied by
0:29:08 > 0:29:10the new Russian minister for doping,
0:29:10 > 0:29:11Keith Vaz.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18We were afraid the Chinese were going to use doping.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20And here she is, what a fantastic athlete...
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Do Ping.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30Breaking news - Ryan Lochte has tested positive for being a twat.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38And Oscar Pistorius has jumped the gun, and for that,
0:29:38 > 0:29:39he'll only get six years.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Well, a nearly perfect execution there, but not quite as perfect
0:29:48 > 0:29:51as the one he'll receive when he returns to North Korea.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58You join me live at the horse dancing.
0:29:58 > 0:29:59Fucking state of it.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05At the end of that, the point go to Romesh, Hugh and Milton!
0:30:10 > 0:30:13And that's the end of the show.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17This week's winners are Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19CHEERING
0:30:19 > 0:30:23Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Tiff Stevenson and Rob Beckett!
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:30:28 > 0:30:29Goodnight.
0:30:32 > 0:30:38# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:38 > 0:30:42# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:44 > 0:30:46# Read all about it
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0:30:49 > 0:30:50# News of the world
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