0:00:03 > 0:00:06# Read about the things that happen
0:00:06 > 0:00:07# Throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING # Read all about it!
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:30 > 0:00:34This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello, welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Ivo Graham, Ed Byrne and Romesh Ranganathan,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and Ed Gamble.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:53We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57On the board are six categories. Ivo, which category would you like?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- I would like Home News, please, Dara.- Lovely!
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Home News it is. The answer is "1 year". What is the question?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06"What would be an appropriate prison sentence
0:01:06 > 0:01:08"for people who use the phrase 'hollybubs'"?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Not the answer, but I'll take it.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18Is it, er, how long the BBC have left now they've lost Bake Off?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21And the clock is already ticking! Yeah, yeah.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Is it, "In a Wetherspoons kitchen,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27"what is the chef's equivalent of the five-second rule"?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30HUGH LAUGHS
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Is it, er, Southern Rail's estimate for a London to Brighton journey?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Do people kiss goodbye to their children at
0:01:41 > 0:01:45a Southern Rail station and go, "You look after your mum"?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Is it, "How long does it take to earn 100 quid
0:01:47 > 0:01:49"if you work at Sports Direct"?
0:01:50 > 0:01:54"How long does it take a YouTube clip to buffer at my parents' house?!"
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Is it, "How long would Charles Manson have gotten in prison
0:01:59 > 0:02:01"if he'd been a promising swimmer"?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03GASPS AND LAUGHTER
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- Yeah! A bit of truth! - A bit of politics there.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Er, "How long does Jeremy Hunt want junior doctors to work per week"?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:20OK, so, under Theresa May's education reforms,
0:02:20 > 0:02:25"How much of a carefree childhood will children now be allowed?"
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Is it, "How long would it take to re-watch
0:02:29 > 0:02:32"all of Dara's TV appearances from the last month"?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- Dara, you're doing well, mate! - Thank you very much.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38You're doing well for yourself!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41"If I make a joke about Isis in the queue,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44"how long will it take me to get through airport security?"
0:02:46 > 0:02:48OK, does anyone have the correct answer?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I think, "How long has Jeremy Corbyn been leader of the Labour Party?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It is indeed, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis, well done.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Yes, the question we were looking for was,
0:02:58 > 0:03:02"For how long has Jeremy Corbyn been the leader of the Labour Party?"
0:03:02 > 0:03:04And will he stay as leader of the Labour Party?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07He's not had a very successful year, has he, really?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10He moves forward with all the dynamism,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13energy and impetus of a canal boat.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18But his followers really, really, really, really believe in him,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21to the extent that, at the party conference,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24they told the caterers just to provide loaves and fishes.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Jeremy Corbyn has got the look of a man who can survive six months
0:03:28 > 0:03:30on one Kendal Mint Cake.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33They always say that,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36"But look, tens of thousands of Corbyn fans took to the streets!"
0:03:36 > 0:03:39It's like, yeah, at a Corbyn rally! It's like going to the Emirates
0:03:39 > 0:03:42and going, "Bloody hell! Look at all these Arsenal fans!"
0:03:42 > 0:03:43- It's... - LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:47The problem is, he's got nice ideas, like, you know, his policies are
0:03:47 > 0:03:52nice and sort of cuddly and people want to support them, but he's crap
0:03:52 > 0:03:56at actually being a politician, like, if he was a computer game,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59he would be the last character that you would choose.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Put in terms I understand - what Pokemon is he?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I would say he's Lickitung.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- You know, just sort of, like, quite sluggish.- Yeah.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I think he's more Magikarp - a flapping fish, you know,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11needs a lot of candy to upgrade.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15I feel like my nightmare has finally come true! It has happened!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I am sitting here and I do not understand
0:04:18 > 0:04:20what you are talking about!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And, and, in your nightmare,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24were you dressed as a member of Mumford & Sons?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28APPLAUSE
0:04:28 > 0:04:33- Or...one of the Borrowers?- Are you throwing shade at my waistcoat?!
0:04:33 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER It's a little rural for you -
0:04:37 > 0:04:41that particular waistcoat - have you come into some land recently?!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Neither... Neither he or his challenger for the party leadership,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Owen Smith, would make very good X-Men.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Corbyn's superpower would be sitting in the corner,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53even though there are seats available.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56And, you know, Owen Smith's superpower would be,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00if he walks into a room, no-one knows who he is.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Because, Owen Smith, he looks like God's tried to make
0:05:03 > 0:05:07the most boring-looking man he can and, halfway through, he got bored!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Owen Smith - what example did he give this week
0:05:12 > 0:05:13of his leadership qualities?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- PANELLISTS LAUGH - This is amazing, right!
0:05:15 > 0:05:19So, he reckons he pulled his wife at an all-boys school.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21She was one of the few girls there.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23So, therefore, he's got leadership qualities.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Now, as the only person on the panel who has been a teenage girl...
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- let me tell you right now... - Don't make assumptions, Angela!
0:05:30 > 0:05:31LAUGHTER
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Little Romena had a great time at school, right?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36As the only one who's been a teenage girl, right,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38there have been many things that have got me into bed, right?
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Someone's mum having a Nissan Micra that he had full use of, you know.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44A haircut, a mix tape! But it's never been...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47No teenage girl has ever written in their diary,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50"I really like Dave's leadership qualities." Never!
0:05:50 > 0:05:54I reckon what he did was he just copped off with her first and then
0:05:54 > 0:05:57no-one else wanted to catch Owen Smith's "lack of charisma-itis".
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Speaking of school, what does Theresa May plan for schools in England?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05She's going to abolish the Defence Against The Dark Arts.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08APPLAUSE
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- She wants to bring back grammar schools, doesn't she?- Yes!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16She wants to bring back the Sorting Hat!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18DARA LAUGHS
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Stop with the Harry Potter!
0:06:19 > 0:06:23You just had a conversation about Pokemon!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Yeah, but I know a tiny bit about Pokemon! I know nothing...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I'm going, "Ha-ha, ha-ha!" to his joke!
0:06:28 > 0:06:31But your one appeared and then, I went, "Er, no, too much."
0:06:31 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- What do you think the Sorting Hat is, Dara?- Well, I suspect...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I suspect they put names into a hat and they pick them from it!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Oh, how wrong...? How wrong it is!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43There's nothing magical about a raffle!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Did you learn nothing in all your time as a house elf?!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53APPLAUSE
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Was it a large plot of land you inherited?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- I went to grammar school.- Did you?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I went to an all-girls grammar school and I'm sort of conflicted,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08cos the lefty in me is pretty much against the grammar school system,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10but it kind of worked for me, you know.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14On the one side, it was, you know, people weren't ashamed of academic
0:07:14 > 0:07:17achievement, it meant you could... But on the other side, you know,
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- there was no cock, so you know... - LAUGHTER
0:07:19 > 0:07:21It's, um, it's very, very divisive and, generally,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24people who didn't go to grammar schools say there should be
0:07:24 > 0:07:27less grammar schools, not more, and people who did go to
0:07:27 > 0:07:31grammar school say, "No, no, there should be FEWER grammar schools."
0:07:32 > 0:07:34APPLAUSE
0:07:36 > 0:07:38You know, I think those children should be together.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41When I was at school, it was nice, if you were struggling,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45it was nice to see, like, a thicker kid struggling more than you.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- For your sort of...for your sort of self-esteem.- Good for you, yeah!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50You sort of think, "God, this is hard, but you know,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52"he's not even got his pen the right way round."
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- You know!- Exactly!- Yeah, you can have too much competition.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58You're denying every child the benefit and right
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- of having a stupid friend.- Yeah.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Like, I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have John Ashmore,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06who once ate a bee cos we told him it was honey flavoured.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07HUGE LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Listen, I entirely agree with just having a friend
0:08:10 > 0:08:14who's just there for you to, er... LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- The, er...- You see, cos in Ireland,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20we had, not so much with the different school,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- we had streaming within schools... - Within the schools.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26..which is where you have the clever kids would go into this class
0:08:26 > 0:08:29and the stupid kids were thrown in a stream.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33The stream ran into the forest, so they had everything they needed!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- And it appeased the goblins who lived in the forest...- Absolutely!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- ..and ate the stupid children.- Yes!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Did you have...?- Apart from the few that escaped and joined boybands!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Yeah! LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Um, I think, whatever we think of it all, it's going to happen,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50because Michael Gove has come out in support of it.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- Do we not agree with that? - Michael "gets things done" Gove?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Michael "gets things done" Gove is back, getting the campaign
0:08:55 > 0:08:57loads of publicity, totally discrediting the experts,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00pushing it through, winning the campaign, knifing all the opponents
0:09:00 > 0:09:03and then knifing himself for good measure - yes, please!
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Welcome to grammar schools!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06APPLAUSE
0:09:08 > 0:09:09I was a teacher.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13When we had, like, top-achieving kids, I didn't bother, you know...
0:09:13 > 0:09:17If they finished their work, I don't go, "Have something more difficult,"
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I just go, "Continue and remain quiet and I'll deal
0:09:20 > 0:09:23"with the other pricks that can't do any of this.
0:09:23 > 0:09:29"If anything, your proximity to me will damage your grade potentially!"
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Comedy's gain really was teaching's loss, wasn't it?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36What is the latest thing that schoolchildren have to worry about?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Is it Romesh going back to teaching?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- It's nits.- It's nits! It's super nits!- Yeah!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I'll tell you why they've got too many nits. It's cos they're all
0:09:47 > 0:09:50sharing the same hat to decide which house they go into.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:10:01I feel bad about not knowing this, except it is from a children's book!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Oh, it's about 40 pages into book one! Knock yourself out!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I'm not going deep on Order Of The Phoenix here!
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Whereas something like Robot Wars is really adult, isn't it?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- And that's, er...- I am not... LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:19APPLAUSE
0:10:20 > 0:10:22The, er... So, anyway, nits - why?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Apparently, they're quite resistant to, you know,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- the shampoos that used to kill them, in our day.- Back in the day.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- Although I don't think even you had to worry yourself...- I had...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I had lovely, lustrous hair!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I was walking around like a housing estate for the nits, me!
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Now you're walking around like a country estate!
0:10:41 > 0:10:45There's too many burns coming across me. I'm getting singed!
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I think people need to adjust their thinking when it comes to nits
0:10:48 > 0:10:50and just don't think of them as something you need to kill.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Think of them like pets, can't you?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55You know, if a kid comes home from school with the guinea pig,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58you don't go, "Agh! Kill it!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02"Oh, it's resistant to this particular tennis racket!" No!
0:11:02 > 0:11:03You go, "Oh, look, guinea pig!"
0:11:03 > 0:11:06So, the same with nits, you go, "No, look, it's great!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09"That's not an infestation, that's a flea circus!"
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Yeah, but the difference is, the guinea pig is in a tank,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13it's not hiding up your arse!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16The nits are a parasite that are actually on your system!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- You can't go, "Oh, we're having a little fun here!"- Yeah!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21And then it makes you scratch, makes you look thoughtful!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I wasn't allowed pets! I would have loved it when I was little.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28The best I could do was, I got a fly, right, dumped it in some water,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31ripped out one of my hairs, tied it to the fly and, when it dried out,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I had a fly on a lead. That was my pet!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35And she went to a grammar school!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:43At the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Ed and Ivo!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Now, we play a round called Bake Off Has Mocked Off!
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Er... LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:55This game involves Ivo Graham and Ed Gamble,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58so, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I launch the Wheel Of News and, wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel, please.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12And the topic is Technology. Ivo?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15I think, er...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I think our generation were a bit of the crossover generation
0:12:18 > 0:12:21when it came to modern technology, so, for example,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I had access to computers as a teenager at my school,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27but not proper video games, so the video games that I played as
0:12:27 > 0:12:29a teenager were the ones that came free with the computers.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Whoa! Let me tell you,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33what a rock and roll mid-Noughties existence that was!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Those long afternoons on my own spent playing Minesweeper!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Playing pinball! And trying to scroll down
0:12:39 > 0:12:43all the way to the bottom of Microsoft Excel!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Not strictly a video game!
0:12:45 > 0:12:48But when you're lonely enough, still feels like an achievement!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51And I'm proud to stand here now and boast in front of you all
0:12:51 > 0:12:54that I've completed Excel and lived to tell the tale.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58I've gone where few mortals dare to tread, all the way down,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00all the way right.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Written my name in that bottom right-hand Excel cell.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07I won't tell you what that cell is called. It would blow your minds!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I spent a joyous moment just hovering over control P...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12and just imagining the carnage.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- LAUGHTER - Did I have the balls?!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16The sheer granite testes
0:13:16 > 0:13:20to print off the entirety of Excel on the school paper supply?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I didn't in the end, but the thought experiment was enough alone.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Then, in my last year, we had a games console.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Our first group video game - Mario Kart!
0:13:30 > 0:13:31If you're not familiar with it,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34it's the greatest video game and thing of all time!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I've since tried intercourse, still prefer Mario Kart.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39HUGE LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:42On Mario Kart, you're actively encouraged to finish first.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44And, if you do, there's no shame!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46APPLAUSE
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Well done, Ivo Graham!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51OK, that leaves us with Ed.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56And the topic is relationships. Away you go.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I am in a serious relationship - that's what she makes me say.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Serious.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"I'm in a serious relationship. This is my partner."
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Sounds like you're in a law firm, is what it sounds like.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Serious relationship? Sounds like a disease!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"How's your relationship?" "I'm sorry to say it's serious."
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I'm not in a serious relationship! I'm in a silly relationship.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22You tell me if you think this sounds like a serious relationship.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24The other day, me and my girlfriend were having a discussion
0:14:24 > 0:14:27about The Beatles. At some point during that discussion,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29she forgot George Harrison's name.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Now, she previously knew George Harrison's name,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34but her brain did something to her that all of our brains do to us
0:14:34 > 0:14:37now and again - it just deleted a fact for no reason.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39And it panics you when that happens.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41You think, "Am I going mad? Am I going senile?" You go on
0:14:41 > 0:14:44a spiral of panic and worry, and I could see she was worried!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47And any good boyfriend in that situation would have told her
0:14:47 > 0:14:50George Harrison's name and I am a good boyfriend.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52But I am a better comedian.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER
0:14:53 > 0:14:56So what I chose to do in that situation was write down every guess
0:14:56 > 0:14:59that she took at George Harrison's name.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I have memorised them...and I'm now going to recite them to you,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06the good people of Mock The Week.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Here we go. Guess number one - John, Paul, Ringo...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- John! There it is! - LAUGHTER
0:15:11 > 0:15:14She thought there might've been two Johns in The Beatles.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Maybe The Beatles were a double John band!
0:15:16 > 0:15:18And as if we'd remember them in that order.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20We wouldn't go John, Paul, Ringo, John!
0:15:20 > 0:15:22We wouldn't bookend it with Johns!
0:15:24 > 0:15:28It would be John, John, Paul, Ringo, Paul, Ringo, John, John, or Paul, Ringo and the Johns.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31APPLAUSE
0:15:31 > 0:15:34She knew that was wrong immediately. I squawked in her face!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Guess number two - John, Paul, Ringo...
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Joseph! "Hello, Joseph! What are you doing in there?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43"I didn't realise The Beatles were a nativity-themed band!"
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Three guys with '60s hairdos,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48one child with a tea towel tied to his head!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Again, she knew it was wrong. I was on the floor already.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Then her brain gave her a little free pass, gave her a clue,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56gave her the surname. Thank you, brain! John, Paul, Ringo...
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Tony Harrison!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Oh, Tony, you're not part of this conversation!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Please remove yourself from the vicinity immediately!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I said, "You're half right! You're half right!"
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I promise you, her next guess was Harrison Ford!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Thank you very much! - Bravo. Very good!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17At the end of that round, the points go to Ed Gamble.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18APPLAUSE
0:16:21 > 0:16:24The next round is called Picture Of The Week.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29So, what's going on here?
0:16:29 > 0:16:34Oh, is this a picture of what Donald Trump refers to as "Patient Zero"?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Er, worst Stevie Wonder tribute ever?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45"Peter Stringfellow emerges from another cracking night at Angels."
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Hands up if you made a bracelet out of some spare handbag chain.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57By the reflection in her glasses,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00she appears to be looking at a tornado of some sort as well.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05She's trying to prove she's not an ageing candidate,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08but she's left her napkin tucked in from dinner.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Yeah, that soup gets everywhere, doesn't it?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Cos people have been saying she's using a body double, haven't they?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20And I think, well, it's nice to see Judy Finnigan back in work.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- I think the answer you're after... - Yes, Hugh, what is that?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28That is Hillary Clinton.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29LAUGHTER
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Thank you very much, Hugh, yes.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:40- She's...she's mocking Donald Trump with her normal-sized fingers.- Yes!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- "Look at these!" - Yes, this is a picture of
0:17:42 > 0:17:45US Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton in New York,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48where she was taken ill this week after being diagnosed with pneumonia.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Is this, like, um, a huge bump in the road for her?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Well, yes, cos people will say,
0:17:53 > 0:17:57"Oh, no! She's got a cough, let's elect a racist instead!"
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Because he's done many things, but he hasn't coughed recently.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Yeah! It's this idea, even if she is...
0:18:04 > 0:18:08even if she's dying, even if she's DEAD...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10you are better off electing her!
0:18:10 > 0:18:14I have pulled stuff out of my shower drain
0:18:14 > 0:18:17that would be a better president than Donald Trump...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- APPLAUSE - ..and would look better...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- CHEERING - ..than his stupid head!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I think it's very shrewd of her to get a disease
0:18:28 > 0:18:31that Trump supporters definitely can't spell.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36He's furiously looking through N in the medical dictionary!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"Maybe there's a K in front of it!" LAUGHTER
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Trump's got to be careful, like, you know,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45just keep going on about her health all the time, look at him!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Right, if a heart attack was a person,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49it would look like Donald Trump.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51And that's the problem, cos you've got older candidates.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- I think she's 68.- Yeah.- He's 70.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Not like in England, obviously. Cameron can get in, he can rip
0:18:56 > 0:18:59the country in half for the sake of a power play and - boom! -
0:18:59 > 0:19:02he's back on the after-dinner circuit before he hits 50. Nice!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05What are the claims that have been made about Hillary's health?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- That they're using a body double. - Yes, exactly.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- That she's too weak. - That it's not actually Hillary.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12And I think, well, you know, it wouldn't be the first time that
0:19:12 > 0:19:16she's got someone else to do the difficult jobs for her, would it?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Monica Lewinsky! Yeah.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- Thank you for the clarity.- Thank you.- Mmm!- Just thought I'd spell that out.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Yeah, various claims, you know, cos, God love us,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29the internet is full of people who have these theories.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31She's had several strokes, apparently,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33and suffers from seizures, that she wears adult diapers.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37The National Enquirer claimed she'll be dead in six months last September.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39A Republican congressman said she had special needs
0:19:39 > 0:19:41and was mentally impaired.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Forensic pathologists suggested she has been poisoned, er,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48and that she has multiple sclerosis, Parkinson's, HIV, vascular dementia
0:19:48 > 0:19:51and lupus! Er, these are all claims made about her.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- All that taken into account, she's looking fucking amazing!- She is!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Donald Trump looks like he's using a body double
0:20:00 > 0:20:03and it's inside of him trying to get out.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Er, what surprise move did David Cameron make this week?
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Well, he's resigned, hasn't he?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- He has resigned, yeah.- He's resigned, he's found a facial surgeon,
0:20:13 > 0:20:17he's moving to Paraguay and he's hoping the Remainers never find him.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22But that's the thing about his resignation, they said to him,
0:20:22 > 0:20:23or asked, "Why have you resigned?"
0:20:23 > 0:20:26And he said, "Because I no longer want to be a distraction to Theresa
0:20:26 > 0:20:28"and what she's doing with the Government,"
0:20:28 > 0:20:31but I didn't know you were still operating, mate.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35He's just sort of pretending he... "Theresa? Theresa? Theresa?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37"Theresa? Theresa?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39"Theresa? Theresa?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41"Theresa? THERESA?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43"THERESA?!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46"I don't want to distract you any more!"
0:20:46 > 0:20:47APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:57It's like saying, "Oh, I couldn't possibly come to your wedding. It's your special day."
0:21:00 > 0:21:04But he said that, if Brexit won, he'd stay on as Prime Minister.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- He did.- And then he didn't!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09And then he said, well, he'd stay on as an MP!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11And then he didn't!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I'm starting to think politicians can't be trusted!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19He's done exactly what I would do in this situation, cos he did say,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21"I have been thinking about it all summer and I've decided
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"I'm going to stand down." No, you've taken all the holiday pay
0:21:24 > 0:21:26and you've quit on your first day back!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:37And now, the great legacy bullshit starts, with gay marriage.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"Oh, gay marriage! Don't forget, I did gay marriage. That was mine.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43"Gay marriage! Not food banks, not food banks! Ssh! Food banks!" Er...
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I read an article where they said one of his ups was the Olympics.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I don't think he can fully take credit for the Olympics!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51That's just a good thing that happened when he was in power.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53He can't go, "Well, of course, Adele's last album,
0:21:53 > 0:21:54"I was there for that."
0:21:56 > 0:21:57APPLAUSE
0:21:59 > 0:22:01In other news, what's going on here?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Oh, is this the first shots of Channel 4's Bake Off?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Well, they had to get somebody to do it!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Um, by the way, any comments we make about Bake Off,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14this is done on a Tuesday, it's all breaking,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Mel and Sue now are not doing it, who knows who's going to be doing it?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20So we really... It's a situation that we don't know, by Friday,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24but can I just say I'm really excited to be taking over and...
0:22:24 > 0:22:26LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:29..I... You know, I think...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Mel and Sue will always be, in my heart,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34the original presenters and the best, but I just think there are other
0:22:34 > 0:22:37directions we'll go in, but they'll always have... Well done, them.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40But anyway, so we're back on Channel 4 next year, boom-boom! OK...
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I find it quite insulting that you've even made a joke
0:22:43 > 0:22:45assuming that you'd take it over,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48when I've actually hosted episodes of the Bake Off!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I've actually done it!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Yeah, for charity. I'd do it for money.- Yeah!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58APPLAUSE
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Er, so anyway... Sorry, this picture, please.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Is it, um, Michael McIntyre meets his new PR team?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10DARA LAUGHS
0:23:10 > 0:23:13"We washed four of these uniforms in normal washing powder
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"and one in brand-new Daz!"
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What has Kim Jong-un banned in North Korea?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I would guess, looking at that, spaghetti bolognese.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27APPLAUSE
0:23:27 > 0:23:30At the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Ed!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so, if everyone can make their
0:23:39 > 0:23:42way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:42 > 0:23:44and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47OK, here we go, the first subject is...
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Unlikely Lines From A Children's Book.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55"Mr Stubborn wouldn't leave.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57"He was the elected leader of the Labour Party."
0:23:59 > 0:24:00BUZZ!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow you, Keith Vaz!"
0:24:07 > 0:24:08BUZZ!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"As Noddy looked at his new friends,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13"Rampant Rabbit and Linda The Love Egg,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17"he realised he was in a very different kind of Toytown."
0:24:18 > 0:24:20BUZZ!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"And all the animals of Buttercup Farm celebrated,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25"cos Percy Pig was going to the slaughterhouse
0:24:25 > 0:24:27"and they never had to listen to that whiny little bastard again!"
0:24:27 > 0:24:29APPLAUSE
0:24:29 > 0:24:31BUZZ!
0:24:31 > 0:24:35"And the beautiful woman was cursed to sleep for 100 years."
0:24:35 > 0:24:38"And that's your defence, is it, Mr Cosby?"
0:24:38 > 0:24:41GASPS AND SOME BOOS
0:24:41 > 0:24:42BUZZ!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45She didn't do it! Don't boo her! LAUGHTER
0:24:46 > 0:24:49" 'I'm Paddington Bear from Peru,' said Paddington.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51" 'And if you show me where the toilet is,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54" 'I'll poo out this condom of cocaine.' "
0:24:56 > 0:24:58APPLAUSE, BUZZ!
0:25:00 > 0:25:04"It's the absolutely horrific follow-up to 'Netflix and chill' -
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"Swallows And Amazons."
0:25:06 > 0:25:08LAUGHTER AND GASPS
0:25:08 > 0:25:09BUZZ!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"And was there a happy ending?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"Well, the Prince did love massage parlours."
0:25:16 > 0:25:17BUZZ!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19" 'I will never tell you my name!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22" 'You will have to guess my name,' said Rumpelstiltskin,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25"really holding up the queue at Starbucks."
0:25:25 > 0:25:27BUZZ!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30"From under the bridge came the voice of the troll.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34" 'Wah! Women can't be Ghostbusters!' Send! "
0:25:34 > 0:25:36APPLAUSE
0:25:38 > 0:25:42"Every day, Jack and Jill have to walk up a hill
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"to fetch just one pail of water.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"But for just £5 a month..."
0:25:48 > 0:25:49BUZZ!
0:25:50 > 0:25:54" 'Oh! It wasn't a giant peach after all,' thought James,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58"as he watched the Big Friendly Giant put on his swimming trunks."
0:26:00 > 0:26:01APPLAUSE
0:26:01 > 0:26:03BUZZ!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07"He pushed aside the clothes, and there, at the back of the wardrobe,
0:26:07 > 0:26:10"found a magical land of nipple clamps and lube!"
0:26:13 > 0:26:14BUZZ!
0:26:16 > 0:26:20"There's an Indian in the cupboard! I think he's hiding from Ukip!"
0:26:21 > 0:26:22BUZZ!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- Oh, well, come on... - LAUGHTER
0:26:26 > 0:26:29"I've been in this cupboard for bloody ages!"
0:26:29 > 0:26:31HUGE LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:26:31 > 0:26:32BUZZ!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34OK, the next topic is...
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"You've already used your 50-50 to narrow down the options
0:26:41 > 0:26:43"to A - In or B - Out.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47"Mr Cameron, are you sure you want to ask the audience?"
0:26:48 > 0:26:50APPLAUSE, BUZZ!
0:26:52 > 0:26:55"Well, in that round on sexually transmitted diseases,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57"you passed on four..."
0:26:59 > 0:27:00BUZZ!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01APPLAUSE
0:27:03 > 0:27:05"We asked you for things that start with an E.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08"You said, 'A great night out with the lads!'"
0:27:09 > 0:27:12BUZZ!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15"Welcome to Britain's only quiz about birds of prey.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17"Fingers on buzzards, please."
0:27:19 > 0:27:20BUZZ!
0:27:22 > 0:27:25"Here at The Chase, we just want to reiterate that our Chaser's
0:27:25 > 0:27:28"not called The Dark Destroyer for any ethnic reasons.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"Now, please could you welcome our new Chaser,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33"Raj 'The Head Wobbler' Patel!"
0:27:33 > 0:27:34APPLAUSE, BUZZ
0:27:36 > 0:27:40"So, the final round on OAP Quiz is Sudden Death.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"BOO!"
0:27:43 > 0:27:44BUZZ!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47"Welcome to Eggheads.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"Well, we couldn't call it Smug Pricks, could we?"
0:27:50 > 0:27:51BUZZ!
0:27:54 > 0:27:55"Welcome to Tipping Point,
0:27:55 > 0:27:59"for people who are too thick to follow The Chase."
0:27:59 > 0:28:00BUZZ!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04"Name?" "Keith Vaz. I mean Jim!"
0:28:06 > 0:28:09"Occupation?" "MP. I mean washing machine salesman!"
0:28:09 > 0:28:10BUZZ!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16"I'm afraid we're going to have to take your first answer,
0:28:16 > 0:28:20"so let's see if the capital of Azerbaijan is 'Fucked If I Know'!"
0:28:23 > 0:28:24BUZZ!
0:28:27 > 0:28:28"Is that your final answer?
0:28:30 > 0:28:32"I'll marry someone else, then."
0:28:34 > 0:28:35BUZZ!
0:28:39 > 0:28:42"Well, at the end of this week's episode of University Challenge,
0:28:42 > 0:28:45"the scores are Durham 170, Exeter 145, but of course,
0:28:45 > 0:28:50"the real winner is Ivo's dad Hugh at home, who got two questions right
0:28:50 > 0:28:53"and is going to bang on about it for the rest of the bloody week!"
0:28:53 > 0:28:55APPLAUSE
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"Well, we've given the contestants their meth
0:28:59 > 0:29:02"and sent them to Hampton Court. Welcome to The Crystal Maze!"
0:29:04 > 0:29:05BUZZ!
0:29:07 > 0:29:11"My chosen specialised subject? Er, your wife. Yeah, you heard me."
0:29:13 > 0:29:14BUZZ!
0:29:17 > 0:29:19"I've started so I'll...finish."
0:29:21 > 0:29:22BUZZ!
0:29:25 > 0:29:28"Well, that was the banker and he says he thinks you're going
0:29:28 > 0:29:31"to accept this deal, because in his box is your wife."
0:29:33 > 0:29:35BUZZ!
0:29:35 > 0:29:37"Well, today, it's Kelly Brook and Joey Essex
0:29:37 > 0:29:40"versus Stephens Hawking and Fry.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42"This is Fucking Pointless!"
0:29:42 > 0:29:45HUGE LAUGHTER
0:29:47 > 0:29:51At the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Ed and Ivo!
0:29:51 > 0:29:53APPLAUSE
0:29:57 > 0:29:59And that's the end of the show.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03This week's winners are Ivo Graham, Ed Byrne and Romesh Ranganathan!
0:30:03 > 0:30:04CHEERING
0:30:06 > 0:30:11Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and Ed Gamble!
0:30:11 > 0:30:13CHEERING
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18APPLAUSE
0:30:19 > 0:30:24# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:25 > 0:30:29# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:31 > 0:30:36# Read all about it Read all about it
0:30:36 > 0:30:39# News of the world News of the world. #