0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Elis James, Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I show the panel a topical image
0:00:55 > 0:00:57and ask them to tell me what is happening.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59So, what's going on here?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Ooh.- Oh!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I think, probably, this is just a picture
0:01:04 > 0:01:06of all the UKIP people we've ever heard of.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Plus... Plus a random woman.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Can't work out where his chin is.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Where it starts, where it ends.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24It's like a bag, isn't it?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I've got a horrible feeling he's whispering to her,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29"Do you fancy an in-out referendum?"
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- AUDIENCE GROANS - Elis, that's horrible!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34"Brexit means Brexit.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36"If I've said this once, I've said at a million times."
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Is it, "New UKIP leader makes clear her objection to unwanted POLES."
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Is it, "Do you have problems lasting in bed?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50"Look at this photo and never come again."
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Is this a still from the UKIP version of Titanic?
0:01:56 > 0:02:00In it, Farage's character suggests that they deliberately
0:02:00 > 0:02:02steer towards the iceberg and crash into it,
0:02:02 > 0:02:06and then, when it's sinking, still maintains it was a good idea.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11What you can't see in the photo, that's been cropped out,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14he's actually naked from the waist down.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Does anyone want to return...?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18I know we don't want to. ..to return...?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22That's Nigel Farage and the new leader of UKIP, called Diane James.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh. Very good.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25APPLAUSE
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Yes, this is a picture of new UKIP leader Diane James,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31being embraced by former leader Nigel Farage,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33after she was elected at their party conference in Bournemouth.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35That's what we think. That's what we assume.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38This could have been as good as it was. Could have been...
0:02:38 > 0:02:41That could have been an hour-long struggle.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"Come here!"
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Just for ages.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50What makes me laugh is he's said,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53like, now he's not the leader of UKIP, he can really speak his mind.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55But I don't know what he was doing before.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Do you think, before, he was coming off of stage and going,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"I'm a bloody sell-out, I'm a sell-out.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"You're just telling them what they want to hear, Nigel!"
0:03:04 > 0:03:06You're pandering! Pandering to people!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I was quite used to Nigel Farage,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11but I don't think I'm ready for a fascist leader called Diane.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19She said that she wanted to invoke Article 50 on Christmas Day,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21as a gift to the nation.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24And I like the idea of some kid saying,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27"Mummy, Daddy, do you think Santa's got me a bike?"
0:03:27 > 0:03:30"No, but when you wake up, you will be free from red tape!"
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Why is Diane James already a cult figure in Malaysia?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Because of a typo on your Autocue. - The, er...
0:03:39 > 0:03:41APPLAUSE
0:03:42 > 0:03:44They put UKIP all in a line...
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- We can show you UKIP all in a line. - Yes.- UKIP, UKIP, UKIP, UKIP.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48If you put up a banner -
0:03:48 > 0:03:51like, for, example after you've just lost a by-election -
0:03:51 > 0:03:53it doesn't read as "UKIP, UKIP, UKIP, UKIP."
0:03:53 > 0:03:56It very clearly reads as "PUKI, PUKI, PUKI, PUKI."
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"I'm voting PUKI, PUKI, PUKI, PUKI."
0:04:00 > 0:04:02What does "PUKI" mean in Malaysian?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06It's a word for a female set of genitalia.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07- It's vagina!- Yeah.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11PUKI, PUKI, PUKI, PUKI is the Malay...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13One of the many Malay words for vagina.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You know what the other Malay word for vagina is?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- Is it vagina?- No, no. There may be many.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Is it BNP?
0:04:19 > 0:04:20It's not.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- It's Farage, isn't it? - Faraj, spelt F-A-R-A-J.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- Faraj also means vagina. - Just wonderful.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31The Malays have so many wonderful words for vagina.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34And all of them are nicer than the word vagina.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Maybe that's why he wants independence
0:04:36 > 0:04:39from all other countries, cos Farage means fanny in all those countries,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41so he's just... He's sick of it.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43It doesn't affect your political career, necessarily.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47There is genuinely a member of the House of Lords called Lady Garden.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53How did Farage upstage the new leader? What did he do?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Oh, did he go swimming naked?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- He did go, yes.- Well, pants on.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Skinny-dipping, they've called it.- Pants on.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01It's a very odd celebration, though, isn't it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03To celebrate leaving Europe by stripping off
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- and swimming towards it?- Yeah.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I think... Serious suggestion here.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- Oh, yeah?- I think...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Hello, by the way. I realised I haven't said hello to you today.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Hello, James. Good to see you. - Hello, good to see you all.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18My main point...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I would like to complement you on managing to find a jumper
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- that's the exact same colour as your hair.- Thank you.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- It's very good. - And my shirt.- And your shirt.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28And I'm working on my skin.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I'm hoping that soon I'll be completely in mustard,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36and then hide in Colman's.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Not to seem churlish, but can we return to the topic at hand?
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Is that all right?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Absolutely.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Can you remember what the topic was? - No.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- It is illegal to be naked in public. - Is it?- Yeah.- Oh, I suppose it is.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- I mean, you can't take all your clothes off. Yeah.- Of course it is.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- I think... - Why did I, for a second, doubt that?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- I apologise.- You were like, "Is it? I feel so naughty!"
0:06:01 > 0:06:03An interesting window on my views. "Is it?"
0:06:03 > 0:06:06What's wrong with you people? Just be relaxed.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- For God's sake.- That's why we're all sitting behind desks.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10They're just bodies!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14He really hasn't retired, has he? So he's been to America, hasn't he?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16And he's worked with Donald Trump, hasn't he?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18He has, he's appeared with Donald Trump.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20In America, he's known as Mr Brexit.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Well, it sounds like a sort of
0:06:22 > 0:06:241970s men's clothes shop to me, doesn't it?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27"Where'd you get your shirt?" "Mr Brexit."
0:06:27 > 0:06:30In Malaysia, Mr Brexit means vagina, did you know that?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- What new challenge is Theresa May facing?- Oh, there's a group...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- A group has been set up...- Yes.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- I believe that they're called Leave Means Leave.- Yes, they are.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45And they're saying, "We want Brexit now, hard Brexit."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47This whole thing feels like a really horrible game
0:06:47 > 0:06:50of Would You Rather, but they're both things you don't want.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Like, "Would you rather have massive hands,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"but they're not attached to your body,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57"or tiny hands, but they're strangling you?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"And, by the way, one of them means you're racist."
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It's too hard!
0:07:03 > 0:07:06It must be so hard for him. It must be so stressful, so confusing.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Cos I tried to switch from BT Sport to Sky Sports,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12and I ended up crying and just having both.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I think I might have an idea, in terms of solving...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Basically because half of the country want to leave
0:07:17 > 0:07:18and half slightly more want to stay.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Why don't we do a Robbie?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Like, where we leave, but we come back for big concerts?- Yes.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26So, like, everyone's OK about it, the fans are happy.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28When he does turn up, what a great surprise.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32But, actually, most of the time, he's not in the band.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33So he's...
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Sort of, sort of unexpectedly,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38so they have the European things where there's 27 of them around,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41and they're all just swaying gently, and then it's like...
0:07:41 > 0:07:42"Aaaah!"
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Yeah!
0:07:44 > 0:07:48I would rather have big hands but they're not attached to my body.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50APPLAUSE
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Fair enough. That's settled once and forever.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Good, good, good.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57In other news, what's going on here?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Is it Labour announcing the new replacement for Trident?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04APPLAUSE
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Is it, like, the shocking photos of Tyson Fury
0:08:08 > 0:08:10before the alleged doping?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Is he saying, "Hi, I'd like you to buy
0:08:14 > 0:08:17"my lean, green grilling machine."
0:08:19 > 0:08:22To be fair, though, boxing Corbyn would be a nightmare, wouldn't it?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23He don't give up at the best of times.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Like, he's been knocked out five times, the ref's going,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"I'm going to stop it." He goes, "No, no, I intend to carry on!"
0:08:29 > 0:08:32"Not until the membership of the party has decided I shall leave!"
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"You've got no face left, Corbyn!"
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I think he's probably going, "The gloves are off!
0:08:39 > 0:08:40"Oh, hang on."
0:08:42 > 0:08:44It is, of course, Jeremy Corbyn
0:08:44 > 0:08:46who, in the last week of the Labour leadership campaign,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49faces scrutiny over the influence of the hard left within the party.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Yes, a lot of analysis going on about Momentum now,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54and how much influence Momentum have.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Yeah, I only heard of Momentum this week,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59and they sound like either really naff team on The Apprentice
0:08:59 > 0:09:01or an amazing dance group on Britain's Got Talent.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02It's one or the other.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I thought it sounds like a bit of medicine
0:09:04 > 0:09:06to help relieve constipation.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08You know? "Take Momentum.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09"Warrgh!"
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Do that face again!
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Warrgh!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15That's me if I've had to take... Warrgh!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Just flies out of me, and then you're right as rain.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22That's the advert I'm doing next week.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23"Momentum For Men.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"Warrgh!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"Keep your composure!
0:09:27 > 0:09:28"Warrgh!"
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I am going to spend most of the next week
0:09:30 > 0:09:33replaying the inevitable gif that is going to come out of that.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- That will be captioned, "Rob's sex face."- Yeah.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"Warrgh! Warrgh! Warrgh!"
0:09:40 > 0:09:42The, er... Yes, it's Momentum. By the way, who are...
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You know, they are a very passionate organisation who tweet a lot
0:09:45 > 0:09:48and get in touch a lot with shows when they're criticised.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50So a big hello to all of you on Twitter...
0:09:50 > 0:09:51- SARA:- We haven't criticised them.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53..who will, nonetheless,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56accuse me of being part of some sort of BBC-wide conspiracy.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Anything vaguely criticising Corbyn, it's like, "Oh! Oh!"
0:09:59 > 0:10:01This is them with the computer, obviously.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Not just furiously banging a thing, going,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05"You! Part of the BBC anti-Corbyn..."
0:10:05 > 0:10:10Like the BBC sit me down with Huw Edwards and Fiona Bruce
0:10:10 > 0:10:13and the team from Match Of The Day and...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Tell us how we're supposed to hate Corbyn.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Like, I can't even get into the BBC building, for Christ's sake.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Have you heard about Momentum Kids? - Oh, yeah.- Ah, brilliant.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- So I thought this was kind of dodgy. - Yeah, they only have half a dosage.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30And it's a bit more flavourful.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33APPLAUSE
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Taste like strawberries. Like strawberry.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36It's a strawberry flavour, innit?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Sorry, so Momentum Kids?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I've got hold of some of their teaching materials here.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I've got some of their nursery rhymes and songs.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45There Was An Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe...
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Because The Tories Sold All Of The Council Houses.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Old Macdonald Had An Organic Farm.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52G-M, G-M-Bad.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56If You're Happy And You Know It, Then You're Wrong.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58APPLAUSE
0:11:01 > 0:11:05That's just like all of my politics and my favourite songs, all in one!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Well, Momentum has set up a child's wing of the Labour Party.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11The Tories have already done that.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13And they call it Eton. Am I right?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Do you think their kids
0:11:15 > 0:11:19might confuse Corbyn with Father Christmas?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Because he's got a beard, hasn't he?
0:11:21 > 0:11:22He's promised people lots of presents,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25and adults laugh at you for believing in him.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- Yes!- Christmas joke! - APPLAUSE
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- Christmas!- Christmas!
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- THEY CHANT:- Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christmas!
0:11:35 > 0:11:36You have...
0:11:36 > 0:11:38You've not just saved Christmas,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41you've saved the Christmas special. That's what you've done there.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43APPLAUSE
0:11:43 > 0:11:46At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Sara and Elis.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49CHEERING
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Now we play around called Mock Out With Your Cock Out.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56This game...
0:11:56 > 0:11:58involves Elis and Gary.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02This round's a stand-up challenge.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I'll launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12The first subject is Life Stages.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Who wants to come in on that? Elis.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I've got a very young kid,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21and one of the things I've noticed about fatherhood
0:12:21 > 0:12:24is that it's turning me into a dad. Right?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28I started doing this thing that, when I'm excited,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I'm only ever seen usually Welsh, usually very working-class dads do
0:12:31 > 0:12:35when they're excited, and I call it the clap and rub. OK?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38So, if my mum, for instance, said,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"Oh, I can't be bothered to cook tonight.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41"Why don't we have fish and chips?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:44My dad, because he's excited, will go, "Fish and chips?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"Fish and chips?!"
0:12:46 > 0:12:48HE PUFFS
0:12:51 > 0:12:52"Phwoar!"
0:12:53 > 0:12:55And I have started doing that now.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59But when I'm doing it, I'm like, "What the hell is going on?!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"Why am I clapping and rubbing my hands?"
0:13:01 > 0:13:04But it's an amazing thing, the clap and rub, because it's so versatile.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07You can use it to display excitement about anything.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11So you're like, "Oh, I'm going out for a drink with my friend, Dennis."
0:13:11 > 0:13:14HE PUFFS
0:13:14 > 0:13:16"Oh, the enquiry found me not guilty!"
0:13:16 > 0:13:17HE PUFFS
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Another thing with having a baby
0:13:22 > 0:13:25is I think it brought on a midlife crisis.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27One of the first things I did when she was born
0:13:27 > 0:13:28was I joined a boxing club.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33Like a proper, spit-and-sawdust South London boxing club.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I don't want anyone to be frightened at home,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38cos I'm not a hard bloke.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Because, at my level, boxing is almost exclusively...
0:13:42 > 0:13:43skipping. Um...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I am absolutely incredible at skipping now,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50but I don't know how this is going to help me
0:13:50 > 0:13:51in a one-on-one combat situation.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I'll be walking down some alleyway late at night
0:13:53 > 0:13:56and a bloke will be like, "Oi, give me your phone and your wallet!"
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I'll be like, "Are you mugging me?" "Yeah, I'm mugging you."
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"You mugging me?" "Yeah, I'm mucking you."
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03"Well, try it."
0:14:06 > 0:14:09APPLAUSE
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Thank you very much, Elis James!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15OK, that leaves us with Gary. Let's see what you've been left with.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20And the topic is Relationships.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26The other day, a woman described me as "a bit of a looker".
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Well, "voyeur" was the actual word that she used.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37but she shat on me from a great height.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41One time, I nearly had a threesome
0:14:41 > 0:14:43with my girlfriend and my best friend.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45And the only thing that stopped it happening
0:14:45 > 0:14:46was they didn't invite me.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51My girlfriend said she wanted to try some new condoms
0:14:51 > 0:14:54with something special inside to boost her pleasure.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55I said, "Ooh, what's that?"
0:14:55 > 0:14:56She said, "Other men."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Our fourth child was called Ivy.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05And that's cos we ran out of names and started using Roman numerals.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10My last girlfriend was always trying to put me down,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13which is just one of the hazards of going out with a vet.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I tried reading a book on premature ejaculation,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21but I couldn't get past the opening passage.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26This Christmas, I'm taking the whole family to Lapland.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Which is great, cos normally those clubs don't let kids in.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time
0:15:35 > 0:15:38that she's just going to scream and run out of the park.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45My girlfriend and I love watching box sets.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47We got three episodes into Orange Is The New Black
0:15:47 > 0:15:48before finding out it wasn't about
0:15:48 > 0:15:51what would happen if Trump replaced Obama.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53APPLAUSE
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Thank you very much. Well done.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58The points at the end of that round go to Gary Delaney! Come back!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Our next round is called
0:16:04 > 0:16:05If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08On the board are six categories. Elis, which category would you like?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Could I have Home News, please? - Absolutely.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Home News it is. The answer is...
0:16:14 > 0:16:15What is the question?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Is it...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19the amount of times I'll check my phone
0:16:19 > 0:16:21when I'm watching a friend's band?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Is it, how many times happier is Jennifer Aniston
0:16:26 > 0:16:27than she was this time last week?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Yeah!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Playing the long game, Aniston!
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Is it, how many hours tutoring would Rob need to get into grammar school?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38AUDIENCE OOHS
0:16:39 > 0:16:41That's not very nice, is it?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You'd pass for 11, though. You have the kind of...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Oh, yeah, I could do grammar school if I wanted, mate.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48But, you know, why knock about learning
0:16:48 > 0:16:50when you can just turn up and do this?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Is it, how many fridge magnets can you put on a fridge
0:16:58 > 0:16:59before it topples over?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Is it, how money times have I been told it's inappropriate
0:17:04 > 0:17:06to refer to myself as "White Kanye"?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Apparently it's not on, but I like it as a nickname.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- I think it's... There are two answers to this, Dara.- Yes?
0:17:15 > 0:17:21It is, what is Google's annual income before tax? And...
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- what is Google's annual income after tax?- Yeah.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27APPLAUSE
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Is it the amount of times we've discussed Brexit on the show?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36It was rather a big news story, Rob, to be fair.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I know, but keep going on about it!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Can't we just do this and not talk about the news?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Just for one week, just have a chat?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51And just see how we all are inside? Cos we've got problems!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56I've got stuff going on, mate - I can't be bothered with Europe!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I can't even sort my own house out!
0:17:59 > 0:18:00The kitchen's falling apart,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I've got people talking to me about tiles.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I don't know what tiles I want!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07It's hard work!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I've got gravel outside me house and every time
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I come in some comes in off me shoes.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15You can't hoover it, you can't sweep it, it's just always there
0:18:15 > 0:18:18and now you're going, "Article 50..."
0:18:18 > 0:18:19I don't give a fuck!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21APPLAUSE
0:18:24 > 0:18:26SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Do you get like this?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Why not take Momentum?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Is it how many virgins watch Robot Wars?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Wow!
0:18:40 > 0:18:41- SARA:- OK, I know this one.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Attack him, Carbide.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49The correct answer is,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53how much Monopoly money was I fined for swallowing the tiny silver dog?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59APPLAUSE
0:18:59 > 0:19:03It's actually to do with the nuclear power station at Hinkley Point,
0:19:03 > 0:19:04- isn't it?- Yes, and what...
0:19:04 > 0:19:08It's how many fingers will the average child have if they're
0:19:08 > 0:19:09born near Hinkley Point?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13It's Somerset, mate, it's going to make very little difference.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - A lot of "oohs" tonight.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- SARA:- Yeah, they're really oohing.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19This power plant is going to bring
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Somerset into the 20th century, mate, you watch.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26The full answer is how much will it cost to build the new nuclear
0:19:26 > 0:19:29reactor, Hinkley C, in Somerset?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Absolutely right. Thank you, Hugh Dennis.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Yes, the correct answer is, how much
0:19:37 > 0:19:42is the nuclear power station Hinkley Point in Somerset expected to cost?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45It's being funded two thirds by the French and one third by the Chinese.
0:19:45 > 0:19:51Imagine the work canteen. "I'll have a sweet-and-sour croissant, please."
0:19:53 > 0:19:55The advantage of a French nuclear reactor is,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58if it starts smoking, it'll still look cool.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02It doesn't make any sense, they're going to lose lots of money
0:20:02 > 0:20:06and it reminds me, it's like deja vu, it's the Millennium Dome,
0:20:06 > 0:20:10except this time it's radioactive, we can't even use it for concerts afterwards.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- This is terrible. - I can't wait, I love it.- What?!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I love it!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18I love nuclear power, I can't wait to be an X-Men.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It'll be Colonel Mustard.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32People are tentative because it one third owned by the Chinese,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35they've a strange idea that the Chinese therefore will
0:20:35 > 0:20:38somehow be in control and they might withdraw power.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40It's two thirds owned by the French,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42the French are getting off scot-free.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46We recently insulted the French by voting to move away from them
0:20:46 > 0:20:50and now they're going to build this and after a week it'll be,
0:20:50 > 0:20:56knock knock, "Bonjour, eh, can nous 'ave some electricity?"
0:20:57 > 0:21:00"Non! No electricity pour vous."
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I hope I get the power to make prank phone calls with my mind.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- In your X-Men, you can choose what you want to be, can you?- Yes.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Can I be White Kanye?- Yeah, yeah.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18On the news, it was save the species of tortoise from extinction.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- A tortoise?- Yes. How did he do it, Hugh?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Well, he had sex with the other tortoises.- Yes!
0:21:24 > 0:21:28In some ways you make the story seem very ordinary.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- What was the name of the tortoise? - Diego.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I don't like this story because it was reported like, Diego,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36single-handedly saved the species of tortoise. Did he?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Did he lay the eggs, did he sit on them until they hatch?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Did he feed the children?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Did he teach them everything that she knew and then try not to
0:21:44 > 0:21:47cry when they asked, "Why don't we have a daddy?"
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Oh, because he's shagging everyone on this island, that's why.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I don't like him. He's a bad tortoise.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58- APPLAUSE - Thank you. A bad tortoise.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It's hypocritical as well.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04He has sex with hundreds and hundreds of tortoises and he's a hero.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I have sex with one...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11He hasn't saved an entire species,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14he's had sex with lots of tortoises and had 800 kids.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17He's created a ticking time bomb of incest.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19No-one's saying...
0:22:19 > 0:22:24Obviously, the wider the gene pool the stronger it is but it's
0:22:24 > 0:22:28very difficult to tell with a tortoise if they've actually been damaged by...
0:22:28 > 0:22:32You can't go, "I think he's a bit damaged when he's a little slow."
0:22:32 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- What do French scientists claim to have produced this week?- Sperm.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40This story makes no sense.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- French scientists said they had made sperm.- Yes.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Why would you make such a plentiful resource.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Just go in any teenager's bedroom.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53But they said they've tried to make sperm in the past and they
0:22:53 > 0:22:57thought it was sperm and then it wasn't sperm.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00The only time anyone's been disappointed to discover
0:23:00 > 0:23:03something isn't sperm.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07This isn't sperm! You promised me sperm!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Just toothpaste.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I reckon someone get caught at work doing something naughty and it's
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- the biggest styled it out ever. - Yeah!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16His boss comes in, "What are you doing?"
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"Ah, I'm just making something."
0:23:19 > 0:23:20"I've been making sperm."
0:23:22 > 0:23:24"For science!"
0:23:24 > 0:23:27"Get out, Mum, I'm doing science!"
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Right, the points go to Sara, Rob and Ellis.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I'll read our this week's topics and we'll see what our panels can come
0:23:46 > 0:23:51up with. OK. Here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Eve took the apple.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59"Bollocks", she said, "it hasn't got a headphone jack."
0:24:04 > 0:24:07And it had all been a dream.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11APPLAUSE
0:24:11 > 0:24:15And in the beginning there was the word and the word was good
0:24:15 > 0:24:17but it wasn't compatible with Macs.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24And after the Last Supper came the last argument about who had
0:24:24 > 0:24:25a starter.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I should have known it would be you with a name like bloody Judas.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40So it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and Noah said,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43"Next year we holiday abroad."
0:24:45 > 0:24:47APPLAUSE
0:24:49 > 0:24:52"I have five loaves and two fishes," he said.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54"Who wants cod in breadcrumbs?"
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Jesus handed out cans of Dr Pepper and said,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05"Drink this in remembrance of me.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"That's right, my full name is Dr Jesus Pepper."
0:25:13 > 0:25:17People who enjoyed this book also enjoyed the Koran and the Torah.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21APPLAUSE
0:25:21 > 0:25:24There was stress in the Garden of Eden.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Adam wanted to leave but Eve had voted remain.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34This book has been rated 18 due to graphic violence,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36moderate threat and homophobia.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43God is love, the devil is 40.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Match point.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52And most importantly of all, thou shalt not board the train
0:25:52 > 0:25:55until other people have alighted the train.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59APPLAUSE
0:25:59 > 0:26:04When Jesus saw the tables outside of the church, he went mental
0:26:04 > 0:26:07and started smashing everything up because he hated fetes and had
0:26:07 > 0:26:11lost all his money on the guess the weight of the cake competition.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15There is but one commandment greater than these,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18secure the talent before you buy the Bake Off.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24APPLAUSE
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Though shalt not steal, unless from the self-service checkout.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31You all do it.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Birthday cards, no weight, is there?
0:26:33 > 0:26:37APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:41No, actually, my nan couldn't have done that because she's a virgin.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46The animals came in two by two,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49for 'twas Orange Wednesday.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52APPLAUSE
0:26:52 > 0:26:55OK. The next topic is...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Lines you wouldn't hear in a James Bond film.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Sorry, mate, this is Spoons we don't do Martini,
0:27:03 > 0:27:04do you want a jug of Woo Woo?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11We've invented you a new phone, Bond.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14It's exactly the same as the old phone but you need to buy
0:27:14 > 0:27:15a new charger.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:22We've got the latest news on Thunderball, 007.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25No-one won last week and it's the rollover.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Ah, Mr Bond.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Welcome to this mandatory course on sexual harassment in the workplace.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Hi, the name's Bond.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44It's not actually double O 7,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47they're zeros otherwise I would be called -
0:27:47 > 0:27:49"Ooooh, seven!"
0:27:52 > 0:27:56- RUSSIAN ACCENT:- Mr Bond, I'm very flattered by your advances but
0:27:56 > 0:27:58you are complete stranger.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03You work for my enemy and I am menstruating very heavily.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Bond, meet your children,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11005, 003 and double O 18 months.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18You want my full name, of course. It's Bond.
0:28:18 > 0:28:24James Skipton Building Society Fixed-rate One-year Bond.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:34This is another gadget, Bond, it's a way of distracting your
0:28:34 > 0:28:37opponent, some light-up trainers for no reason.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42APPLAUSE
0:28:44 > 0:28:48- ACCENTED:- Mr Bond, I have one question for you.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Does this testicle look swollen?
0:28:56 > 0:29:01So, Mr Bond, welcome back. How was Russia? How do you feel?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03D'you know what? Rested.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Mr Bond, we just want to check that you understand how to use the
0:29:11 > 0:29:14new equipment. You know you can swipe left, don't you?
0:29:18 > 0:29:23Blofeld, no, I've never even met Feld.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27APPLAUSE
0:29:27 > 0:29:31This is the easiest fight on top of a train I've ever had.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Thank you, Southern Rail.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:29:38 > 0:29:42Whoa, whoa, whoa, I've got a girlfriend, no thank you.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47APPLAUSE
0:29:47 > 0:29:50At the end of that, the points go to James, Hugh and Gary.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:55 > 0:29:59That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Elis James, Sara Pascoe and Rob Becket.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03CHEERING
0:30:03 > 0:30:07Commiserations to James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10CHEERING
0:30:10 > 0:30:13Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:16 > 0:30:20# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
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