0:00:12 > 0:00:15THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# Read about the things that happen
0:00:16 > 0:00:17# Throughout the world
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# Read all about it
0:00:22 > 0:00:23# News of the World...
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# Read all about it
0:00:31 > 0:00:32# Read all about it
0:00:32 > 0:00:33# News of the World
0:00:33 > 0:00:36# News of the World
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Hello and welcome to Mock the Week: Election Special,
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm Dara O'Briain.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Joining me this week are Tez Ilyas, James Acaster and Ed Gamble,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Joining me this week are Tez Ilyas, James Acaster and Ed Gamble,
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Welcome, as I said, to our special here on the night of the election
0:00:59 > 0:01:02although we recorded this on Tuesday, because that's
0:01:02 > 0:01:04when we always record the show.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06We weren't expecting an election, because nobody
0:01:06 > 0:01:08was expecting an election.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13So if you're looking for results, you come to the wrong place, baby,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16this is literally the least informed show on television right now.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Well done on your choices, I'm loving your
0:01:18 > 0:01:21style, OK.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24We start with a round called This Is The Answer, What Is The
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Question.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26On the board are six categories.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Tez, which category would you like?
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Can I please have Home News?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30That seems suitable.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31The category is Home News.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33The answer is "50 days".
0:01:33 > 0:01:34What is the question?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Is it how long until the next general election?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40It can only be a matter of time.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43APPLAUSE
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Is it, taking into account the 49 days they took off,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50how long did it take Ukip to write their manifesto?
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Is it when the shoe was on the other foot, how long did it
0:01:56 > 0:01:59take Wally to find me?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Is it how long does one day feel for Melania Trump?
0:02:07 > 0:02:12Is it in a Nando's kitchen, how long is the five-second rule?
0:02:14 > 0:02:20Is it how long did I spend in the tiny Welsh village Llandyll
0:02:20 > 0:02:24when it turned out to be landfill?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Is it how old was I when I started to use the phrase
0:02:29 > 0:02:33"Mo money, mo problems"?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Is it how long I had to stay in my car when someone changed
0:02:38 > 0:02:42the sat-nav for a loop of Bonnie Tyler
0:02:42 > 0:02:45singing "turn around"?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Is it how long until Paul Nuttall hatches?
0:02:50 > 0:02:55Is it how long has this workplace gone without an accident?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Is it how many days should I book off work if I am flying with BA?
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Is it how long does Theresa May wish she could travel back in time?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16APPLAUSE
0:03:17 > 0:03:21That is so close to the correct answer, I would like you to tell me
0:03:21 > 0:03:22the correct answer.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24It is how long has the election campaign been running?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27That's absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29CHEERING
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Yes, of course, this is the news as it is that after 50 days
0:03:33 > 0:03:37of hard campaigning, the poles are now closed
0:03:37 > 0:03:39of hard campaigning, the polls are now closed
0:03:39 > 0:03:41and the country has now voted in yet another election.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I'm so bored of voting.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I know democracy's supposed to be an amazing gift but I'm
0:03:45 > 0:03:46so bored of democracy.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50I might have to move to Iran for a little bit, just to ease off.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Are you on first name terms with the people
0:03:52 > 0:03:53in the polling booth yet?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Yeah, absolutely.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55"How you doing?"
0:03:55 > 0:03:56"Here we go again."
0:03:56 > 0:03:57"My usual booth."
0:03:57 > 0:03:58"OK."
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"Did you keep my pencil from the last time?"
0:04:00 > 0:04:01"I certainly did."
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I feel like an absolute loser because I made two very bad
0:04:04 > 0:04:05choices in the '90s.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I decided to become a lefty liberal and Blackburn Rovers fan and neither
0:04:09 > 0:04:13of those things are working out firmly in the long run.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15of those things are working out for me in the long run.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Like, last year, I voted to remain in the European caliphate and...
0:04:19 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:26..it's not worked out.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I tell you what, over these 50 days, I am really regretting starting that
0:04:29 > 0:04:30"strong and stable" drinking game.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I tell you, I have been hammered before Jeremy Kyle every morning
0:04:33 > 0:04:34for the last 50 days.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37And if you've got "coalition of chaos" as well, oh, jeez.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40The only thing that saved me from that was Ramadan, otherwise...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42It was an unusual election, not least because...
0:04:42 > 0:04:46To call it was opportunistic, because even then, she had got
0:04:46 > 0:04:49the gig, she had got the gig as leader of the Conservatives
0:04:49 > 0:04:52because they had a shoot out, essentially, like something out
0:04:52 > 0:04:56of a Tarantino movie, after Brexit, where they are all standing,
0:04:56 > 0:05:01in slow motion, and Gove shot Johnson and then Johnson shot
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Cameron and then Cameron shot Leadsom and it was all in slow
0:05:05 > 0:05:08motion, bullets flying everywhere and then everyone
0:05:08 > 0:05:13was dead and she gets up, like the only minor character,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15standing there, and sees the bag with the drugs and the money
0:05:15 > 0:05:19and goes, "Hello!"
0:05:19 > 0:05:23And walks out with the leadership of the Tory party and it turns out
0:05:23 > 0:05:25that then she decides to go into another gunfight again
0:05:25 > 0:05:27and she can't do it.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29For the rest of this world, this election is completely irrelevant.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32And this election will just be remembered as the election that
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Russians couldn't even be bothered to hack.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40It was a very dull campaign until, excitingly, Theresa May developed
0:05:40 > 0:05:43a bug, like the robot in Westworld and could only repeat the same words
0:05:43 > 0:05:46over and over again.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51I mean, the robots in Westworld have a threatening element to them,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53rather than just going, "Well, I've been very clear
0:05:53 > 0:05:57"about the question you have just said and let me
0:05:57 > 0:05:58repeat it back to you."
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Apparently, she didn't turn up to the leaders' debate
0:06:00 > 0:06:03because she went to that cheese thing, which was apparently some
0:06:03 > 0:06:05awards, and, to be fair, when you look at the pictures,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07it does look like a "fun do".
0:06:07 > 0:06:08GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Do you know, I genuinely think that's great.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Milton's impressed.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Yeah, I'm having that.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Professional regard going.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Milton's furious, fondue, why didn't I see that!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Why did I not see that coming?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I am cheesed off!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26You are grating on me now.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28All right, enough.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Enough with the puns.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Babybel.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37APPLAUSE
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Then she was asked what is the naughtiest
0:06:40 > 0:06:42thing you have ever done?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Running through a field of wheat.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46She said I ran through a field of wheat once.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48It's not naughty if you own the field.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50No.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Was she naked?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Oh, I don't think so, no.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57No one made those enquiries.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Just checking.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59And how old was she?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02She was quite young, so therefore that question is really strange.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I think it was during her idyllic...
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I was horrified that she might have done it
0:07:07 > 0:07:08in the last six months or so.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I don't think it was what was the last thing you have done
0:07:11 > 0:07:15in the last week and she was like, I'm just going to step off
0:07:15 > 0:07:16the battlebus for a minute.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Just swirl her way.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18"Screw you, Farmer Joe!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20"This wheat is dead to you now."
0:07:20 > 0:07:23It actually what she was doing during the leaders' debate.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Do you know, it would actually have been even better if she hadn't gone
0:07:26 > 0:07:28to the leaders' debate because she was just lying
0:07:28 > 0:07:30making wheat angels.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31I can't wait.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33For what?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35For the thing that's happening on another channel right now that's
0:07:35 > 0:07:36actually already happened?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Were you surprised by the result, James?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Were you surprised by the result, James?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Do you know what, I was shocked.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48We all wrote Ukip off and yet...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Here we are.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Slaves forever.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58You know, Ukip-Green coalition, all 600 seats either went Ukip
0:07:58 > 0:08:00or Green, and you're going to go, how can they work together?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02But they have pledged to.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05It's great, they are planting new trees and when they grow up,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09it just says "Fuck off home."
0:08:09 > 0:08:13If they have to get a new leader, they will have to lose the guy...
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Nuttall is full value, by the way, in many ways.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Not least that in the middle of the video,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21which is shot, I think, on this coastline here, Paul Nuttall for
0:08:21 > 0:08:25some reason accidentally walks the wrong way on to a travelator
0:08:25 > 0:08:30going the other direction and just brazens it out.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32It is worth watching.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34This is from the Ukip party election broadcast.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Across Britain, Ukip's army of volunteers hope to...
0:08:39 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:47APPLAUSE
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I like the way he moonwalks his way.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I'm walking, but I'm not moving, I'm not going anywhere.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58And a minute later, he was doing, "I'm going down the stairs."
0:08:58 > 0:09:01You know, but all the other parties on the other side,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03they are all panicking as we speak, aren't they?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06The Tories are wondering if they've blown it and the Labour Party
0:09:06 > 0:09:07are wondering whether Jeremy Corbyn really can negotiate,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10and the Liberal Democrats are worried because if they get just
0:09:10 > 0:09:12two more seats, there are going to have to buy a bigger minibus.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17It's a shame Amber Rudd didn't stand for the Green party,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19because then someone would have had to have said "Amber Rudd,
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Green" and that's all the colours of a traffic light.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28APPLAUSE
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Yes, it was an unusual election to call,
0:09:32 > 0:09:33particularly because then she ran against Corbyn,
0:09:33 > 0:09:34who...
0:09:34 > 0:09:37We have taken the mickey out of Corbyn on this show
0:09:37 > 0:09:40because of his Brexit campaign, little knowing that it was a clever
0:09:40 > 0:09:45tactic on his part to run the worst Brexit campaign ever and then go,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"Boom, I've got skills!"
0:09:48 > 0:09:51when the general election campaign came in.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Didn't you think you did really well on the nuclear question?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Didn't you think he did really well on the nuclear question?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00He's going, am I going to press the red button?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Am I going to press the red button?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05If anyone asks me that again, I am going to go ballistic.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07The thing I found most surprising is when Corbyn
0:10:07 > 0:10:10was getting the numbers wrong, the interviewer said, I can see
0:10:10 > 0:10:13you are opening your iPad up there.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Jeremy Corbyn's got an iPad?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15That's the bigger shock.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I just thought he wrote everything down on beer mats.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Also, I've got a bad feeling about those intuition fees.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Why did the Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron come under pressure
0:10:32 > 0:10:33during the campaign?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Well, this is his views, allegedly, on homosexuality,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37thinking that homosexuality is a sin.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41He is a practising Christian, right?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Which I think means, I don't think you need to be
0:10:44 > 0:10:46a practising Christian because if those are his views
0:10:46 > 0:10:47on homosexuality, he's got Christianity nailed.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52I think what he needs to practice is being a liberal.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54His voting record is very, very liberal and he has never
0:10:54 > 0:10:59let his views getting...
0:10:59 > 0:11:02He just wouldn't not say that it was a sin without checking
0:11:02 > 0:11:03with the Pope first.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06And it was the first big interview and that was the end.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Why did no one asked Theresa May that question, given
0:11:08 > 0:11:10that she is a vicar's daughter?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12No point did someone bring that up with her, cos that
0:11:12 > 0:11:13would have been interesting.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16They can't catch her in the wheat fields.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19"We want to know what you think about the gays."
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"I've been very clear, I've been very clear!"
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"Gays, wheat, gays, wheat."
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"Num, num, cheese."
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Tim Farron's got an option here, I think he's got
0:11:31 > 0:11:32something he can do.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Because remember when Boris Johnson, he wanted to buy water cannons
0:11:35 > 0:11:38and he offered to stand in front of a water cannon
0:11:38 > 0:11:42to prove that its OK?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43to prove that it's OK?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I don't even want you to finish, I can see...
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I have a real visual image of what you are about to say
0:11:48 > 0:11:51and frankly, that's not going out on the air, right?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Go as far as "Standing in front of a water cannon", Angela Barnes,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57and I think we all can finish off that particular idea, right?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Don't draw it.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Don't draw a picture of it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You see, the thing is, Theresa May is like a headmistress,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Jeremy Corbyn is like a geography teacher but Tim Farron,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11the leader of the Lib Dems, is like if somebody said,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"Do you have a bloke called Tim Farron who goes to your school?"
0:12:14 > 0:12:17And you'd say, "No, I don't think so."
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I started to take to him quite a lot during that leaders' debate.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28For example, brilliant impression of Angela Eagle he is doing there.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I started to warm to him and at the end, he had this amazing
0:12:31 > 0:12:34mic-drop moment when he said, "Theresa May's boring,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37"I would just turn over the channel now to BBC Two and watch Bake Off."
0:12:37 > 0:12:39And everyone laughed.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Then I turned over and it was Bake Off Creme de la
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Creme and I thought, another Lib Dem failed promise.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Also, I like the fact that he says he's a practising
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Christian and in that photo, he is practising to be Jesus.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56OK, at the end of that round, the points go
0:12:56 > 0:13:01to Ed, James and Tez. APPLAUSE.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Now we play a round called Shaking the Magic Funny Tree.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08This game involves Tez and Milton.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24The first subject is Drinking. Who wants to come in on that?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Tez.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Um, hi. Give me a cheer if you like a drink.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31AUDIENCE CHEER.
0:13:31 > 0:13:38Cool, I don't drink, because I'm not an infidel.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41But the reason I bring it up is because last summer I got
0:13:41 > 0:13:42invited to a stag do.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46And that stag do was in Benidorm.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Thing is, the whole time I was in Benidorm,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51because I genuinely don't drink, I was a bit like...
0:13:51 > 0:13:54You know that guy who goes to Alton Towers but he just
0:13:54 > 0:13:55holds the bags and the coats
0:13:55 > 0:13:57when everyone else goes on the rides?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59That's what it felt like for me in Benidorm.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Genuinely.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I've never touched a single drop of alcohol in my life.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I tell a lie.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10There might have been this one time -
0:14:10 > 0:14:12in Benidorm.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16So I'm out with the lads, it's a stag do.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I'm stagging it. Text book, just having a great time.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I came back to our table and there's glasses on there
0:14:21 > 0:14:22filled with clear liquid.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I picked up, quite innocently, what I thought was my lemonade.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Took a sip of it, spat it back out, turned out to be vodka and lemonade
0:14:30 > 0:14:32and I'd never drunk before, so the vodka really
0:14:32 > 0:14:33burnt my mouth.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38I felt awful because it was breaking one of the rules
0:14:38 > 0:14:40of my religion for the very first time.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43#A big deal.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47At that moment, I just took step back and, honestly,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49genuinely, hand on heart, just really wished that
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I hadn't smoked so much weed before I left the hotel.
0:14:53 > 0:14:59APPLAUSE.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04Mum, if you're watching this, weed is street slang for basil.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Thank you very much.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10OK, that leaves us with Milton.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.
0:15:13 > 0:15:21And the topic is communication. Away you go.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Recently, I've joined the group Eavesdroppers Anonymous,
0:15:25 > 0:15:30not that they know.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34I wouldn't like to burgle my house.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Well, it would be pointless, wouldn't it?
0:15:36 > 0:15:42Stealing things I already own.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Missiles, missiles.
0:15:45 > 0:15:55They don't even sound accurate.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57If your name is Andre,
0:15:57 > 0:16:05don't end your texts with a kiss.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10As early as 1724, Sir Tim Montague had the idea for the Post-It note
0:16:10 > 0:16:15but he'd nothing to write it down on.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18So if you're at a party and you spill some red wine
0:16:18 > 0:16:21on a white carpet, the best thing to do is to get some
0:16:21 > 0:16:24ordinary table salt, throw it in the face of the host -
0:16:24 > 0:16:29and make a run for it.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Annoying, isn't it, when you go shopping and you buy something
0:16:32 > 0:16:36and you get it home and then you see the sticker, buy one get one free.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Argh.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41And you think, I could have got another shoe!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43APPLAUSE. Thank you very much.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46And the points at the end of that round go to Tez, well done.
0:16:46 > 0:16:53Everyone come and sit back.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell
0:16:59 > 0:17:03me what is happening. So, what is going on here?
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Dear Santa,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08for Christmas I would like a shorter tie.
0:17:08 > 0:17:14C-O-V?F?E-F-E.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21He's sitting in the wrong chair, anyway.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23That chair is reserved for the seal of the President
0:17:23 > 0:17:26of the United States.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28It is one of the great shows of power
0:17:28 > 0:17:31for a visiting dignitary, if they go, "Oh you're not impressed
0:17:31 > 0:17:35with my military might? Have you met my seal?"
0:17:35 > 0:17:37And then the seal comes out and goes...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40MAKES SEAL NOISES.
0:17:40 > 0:17:40Even Putin went
0:17:40 > 0:17:45HE IMITATES RUSSIAN ACCENT: "Must get seal."
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I think he's been set lines, he's just having to write "I must not
0:17:48 > 0:17:50use my phone unsupervised" over and over again.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Do you think the woman there is thinking, "Oh, no, if someone
0:17:53 > 0:18:03chucks a grenade, now my last words are going to be 'Donald duck'.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Is he drawing round his hands to prove the haters wrong?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Yeah. I just counted.
0:18:10 > 0:18:16He's got four different haircuts. On one head.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Yeah, he's swept back, parted, lifted over and crossed to the side.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It is quite a complicated look.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26He's quite diverse, isn't he? Which is ironic.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29That does look a little bit like a vagina
0:18:29 > 0:18:31on the side of his head.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35I wouldn't know.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37So what is the major news story of the week?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40He withdrew from the Paris Climate Accord.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Indeed he did, thank you very much, Hugh.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46APPLAUSE.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Trump's very green, man.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49He is the greenest.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Out of all the leaders in the whole
0:18:51 > 0:18:53world, he has done the most to combat global warming.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Because, let me tell you, that travel ban, that reduces
0:18:57 > 0:19:02so many people's carbon footprints, it's unreal.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04He's a clever guy.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07If all of us started banning people from other countries,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09less people would fly and we wouldn't have
0:19:09 > 0:19:11a problem on our hands.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14So he's pulled out of the Paris agreement,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17he pulled out of Trans-Pacific Partnership
0:19:17 > 0:19:20and I don't think I'm the only one who wishes that his dad
0:19:20 > 0:19:22had just pulled out of his mum.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24APPLAUSE.
0:19:24 > 0:19:30Yes, er...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32He said he was going to do this didn't he?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34He did. It was a campaign promise.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Before he was elected he said, "I'm going to pull out
0:19:37 > 0:19:38of the Paris Accord."
0:19:38 > 0:19:41So how come the only time there's a politician who does what they say
0:19:41 > 0:19:42he's an absolute nutter?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45It is a cruel irony that we have to face
0:19:45 > 0:19:47that he's probably the most honest politician there is.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Everyone in the States has got really angry about it and in Boston,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52they lit up their government building with green lights.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Because that's how you protest climate change, isn't it?
0:19:55 > 0:20:00Extra lights.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05We will protect the environment, flick a few more switches there!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07In protest to Donald Trump's decision we will be
0:20:07 > 0:20:10starting this tyre fire.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12But there is a thing. It's like, we see him here.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14What's going on here for example? It's like, we see him here.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Is this the worst nativity play in the world?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Is this a sequel to Snakes On A Plane?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Sheikhs on a Buggy?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Is that Donald Trump massively regretting
0:20:25 > 0:20:26using Uberpool for the first time?
0:20:26 > 0:20:33APPLAUSE.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Don't you think he's a nightmare for parents, Donald Trump?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Because all over the world parents are going, "Look if you don't study
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and you don't listen and you think you know everything,
0:20:42 > 0:20:47actually you'll be fine."
0:20:47 > 0:20:49The nice thing about travelling in a place
0:20:49 > 0:20:51where they write Arabic is that all spaghetti is
0:20:51 > 0:20:56Alpahetti Spagbetti.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Doesn't he remind you of like the horrible kid
0:20:58 > 0:21:01at school that everyone hated but his parents had a swimming pool.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04It was a nice swimming pool and my mum
0:21:04 > 0:21:08and dad worked hard for it.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Moving on, what new mission has Nasa unveiled?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14It's a mission to the sun.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Yes, they're sending a thing to the sun.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Why are they doing that? Are they going to see how hot it is?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Hot it is, yeah. Apparently it's actually very hot.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Oh, and...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24But Nasa can't quite work out how many
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"verys" to put before hot.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30It's either very, very hot or very, very, very hot.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33And there's every chance the closer we get the more hot it gets.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Oh that's amazing. What's the equipment?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Are they taking a thermometer and some factor...
0:21:37 > 0:21:38No they're taking...
0:21:38 > 0:21:39You lick a finger...
0:21:39 > 0:21:47White people will literally do anything for a good tan.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Apparently, it's so hot, it's two thirds as hot
0:21:49 > 0:21:55as a Samsung Galaxy.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58They're not actually going all the way to the sun, are they?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00They're going like four million miles away from the sun so it's
0:22:00 > 0:22:02like travelling Ryanair going to London Stansted.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Yes.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04How far away is the sun?
0:22:04 > 0:22:0593 million miles away.
0:22:05 > 0:22:0793 million miles away? I tell you what.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09It's still hot from here.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13I got sunburnt in Kettering.
0:22:13 > 0:22:20Yeah, I see the technical difficulty you're raising there.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22They shouldn't be sending stuff near it if it's that hot.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23I didn't know that.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Abort this mission.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Maybe it's a rescue mission to rescue that baby
0:22:27 > 0:22:32from the Teletubbies.
0:22:32 > 0:22:38They could make a really good episode of A Place in the Sun.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Ron and Marjorie would like to spend the winter in the sun.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Why are they actually going there?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46To examine the surface of the sun.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Look at you know...
0:22:47 > 0:22:50We already know what the sun is made of.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52It's right-wing propaganda and tits.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56APPLAUSE.
0:22:56 > 0:23:03I'd like to volunteer to be an astronaut in that case, Dara.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06One thing I love is right-wing titties.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07APPLAUSE.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09OK, at the end of that round the points go
0:23:09 > 0:23:12to Angela, Hugh and Milton.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see
0:23:20 > 0:23:21what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:21 > 0:23:27OK, here we go.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29The first subject is - things you didn't hear
0:23:29 > 0:23:30during the election.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33The truth!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35And representing the Conservatives, Theresa May.
0:23:35 > 0:23:43I promise to deliver a hard Brexit.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Unless you're not in and then I'll leave it with your neighbour,
0:23:45 > 0:23:49which is Europe, I haven't thought that through.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52The Scottish people have spoken.
0:23:52 > 0:24:01Did anyone understand what they were saying?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Here at the BBC we need balance.
0:24:03 > 0:24:09Jeremy Corbyn's shit.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10So the polls have closed.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Untie Boris!
0:24:15 > 0:24:21Please welcome this month's Gay Times cover star Tim Farron.
0:24:21 > 0:24:28I am the returning officer ?
0:24:28 > 0:24:37and it's great to be back.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I do not make U-turns.
0:24:40 > 0:24:46But more importantly, I do make U-turns.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Hello and welcome to the Take Me Out all-night election special.
0:24:49 > 0:24:58Let the ballot see the box.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Would you press the red button?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Mr Corbyn, would you press the red button?
0:25:02 > 0:25:09We've been stuck in this lift for 20 minutes.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Taxes will be so low if you vote for me.
0:25:11 > 0:25:19Jimmy Carr.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22This is my Pledge.
0:25:22 > 0:25:31Get your own furniture polish.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34I've got a great plan to save the NHS.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36First, we leave the EU, then use the extra 350...
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Huh?
0:25:39 > 0:25:46Can I interest anyone in a free bus?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Hello, welcome to Newsnight.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Tim Farron.
0:25:50 > 0:25:56Shag, marry, kill.
0:25:56 > 0:26:06I am the returning officer.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12Yes, OK, Jeremy Corbyn may have Stormzy, but I have Gary Barlow.
0:26:12 > 0:26:18Take that.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I'm going to create so much new housing,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23a series of one-room flats, with an amzing view of London.
0:26:23 > 0:26:32Also, unrelated, I'm closing the London Eye.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34One person in this election has consistently
0:26:34 > 0:26:36brought up green things.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40HE MAKES A SNORTING NOISE.
0:26:40 > 0:26:46Me, Caroline Mucus.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49So it looks like the Tory majority is going to be
0:26:49 > 0:26:51exactly the same as it was.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55What a fucking waste of time that was.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00CHEERING.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02OK, the next topic is Unlikely Lines From
0:27:02 > 0:27:06a Cosmetics Commercial.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Are you an older woman struggling with her facial hair?
0:27:09 > 0:27:14Try Gillette - the best a nan can get.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Would you like lashes with more volume?
0:27:17 > 0:27:23SHE SHOUTS: Lashes!
0:27:23 > 0:27:27You don't need lip liner or eye liner
0:27:27 > 0:27:35with our new bin liner.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37What goes into our true, naked, infallable, moisture,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41crushing, nature, colour palette, body moisturiSer?
0:27:41 > 0:27:50A selection of random words that mean fuck all.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51What's my secret for smooth skin?
0:27:51 > 0:28:00I'm 20.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Is your hair out of control?
0:28:01 > 0:28:09Do you wear wacky shirts?
0:28:09 > 0:28:18Well, hey, you're great just how you are.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Do you want fuller, rounder lips?
0:28:20 > 0:28:27I recommend a nut allergy.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Are you tired of missing out on the opportunities
0:28:29 > 0:28:30that your peers get?
0:28:30 > 0:28:38Try white privilege foundation.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39Here comes the science.
0:28:39 > 0:28:47Global warming is real, none of this matters!
0:28:47 > 0:28:48HE IMITATES GERMAN ACCENT:
0:28:48 > 0:28:57We in the German city of Cologne have a fragrance called Birmingham.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01This apricot scrub removes the surface layers to leave
0:29:01 > 0:29:03you with the smoothest, most rejuvenated apricot
0:29:03 > 0:29:13you have ever seen.
0:29:13 > 0:29:21And for one last time, it's me, the returning officer.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23This product makes your lashes look really big.
0:29:23 > 0:29:33By shrinking your eyeballs.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36Want that football hooligan abroad look?
0:29:36 > 0:29:44Why not try Oil of Olay, Olay, Olay!
0:29:44 > 0:29:53Sorry, has anyone seen the returning officer?
0:29:53 > 0:29:59Any messages?
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Our new powder gives you the confidence to hit the town.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05Cocaine!
0:30:05 > 0:30:07APPLAUSE.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09OK, at the end of that round the points go
0:30:09 > 0:30:17to Milton, Hugh and Angela.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19And that's the end of the show.
0:30:19 > 0:30:25This week's winners are Tez Ilyas, James Acaster and Ed Gamble.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Commiserations to Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.
0:30:31 > 0:30:32Thank you for watching.
0:30:32 > 0:30:33I'm Dara O Briain.
0:30:33 > 0:30:38Good night.