0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world
0:00:22 > 0:00:23# News of the world. #
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I'm Dara O Briain, Merry Christmas to you all,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40and Joyeux Noel,
0:00:40 > 0:00:45Frohliche Weihnachten and Feliz Navidad to all our friends in Europe.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48We've taken back control of Christmas
0:00:48 > 0:00:52and spent £350 million on a special episode featuring outtakes,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54unseen material and favourite bits.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Hope you enjoy it, and merry Brexmas.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58LAUGHTER
0:00:58 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Meanwhile, what's going on here?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06"You're not a King Charles."
0:01:06 > 0:01:07"Neither are you."
0:01:08 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16That's Prince Charles saying, "What's that, Lassie?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20"The Queen is stuck down a mine shaft?
0:01:20 > 0:01:21"Hurrah!"
0:01:23 > 0:01:26The dog is going, "Don't do it there, Charles, I haven't brought any bags with me."
0:01:26 > 0:01:28APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- What are we going to see less of in China?- Chinglish.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Chinglish, it's called, yes.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Mistranslated signs are very common in China,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41and the Chinese Government is clamping down on them.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43These are the kind of signs we're talking about.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44"Please don't be edible."
0:01:46 > 0:01:49People stand and take photographs. "Exterior girdle food."
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Or this one. This...
0:01:53 > 0:01:54It was actually intended to be a
0:01:54 > 0:01:56park of different races coming together,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58kind of an Empost-type thing,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00and then it got translated as Racist Park.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03My particular favourite is, somebody looked up the translation of this
0:02:03 > 0:02:05one, and then wrote on the side...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07"Could not connect to translator service."
0:02:09 > 0:02:10- Crap.- And then said,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"Oh, welcome to Could Not Connect To Translator Service,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"for all your hair-care needs."
0:02:15 > 0:02:18In China, this show's called Megabus Man Make Ha-ha News.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20APPLAUSE
0:02:22 > 0:02:25OK, your answer is 49 years.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26What is the question?
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Is it, "How long does it take to get home on the night bus now that Uber's been suspended?"
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Is it, "If you book a two-week holiday, flying Ryanair...
0:02:38 > 0:02:42"..how long should you take off work just to make sure you get back?"
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Is it, "At what age will I finally be beach-body ready?"
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Is it, "At what point in the Hundred Years War did the general say,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54"Come on, lads, nearly halfway through, come on!"?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Does anyone know the actual correct answer, please?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- Yes.- "When will Brexit happen?"
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Is it, "What's the world record for staying under a desk, that I'm going to break now?"
0:03:14 > 0:03:17APPLAUSE
0:03:21 > 0:03:22- I think he means it.- Yep, he does.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26All I want now is for Hugh's face to go, "Ooh!"
0:03:30 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:38That was a chilling insight to your facial expressions, by the way.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:45In all seriousness, could you come out again?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47But then I won't get the record, Dara.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49OK, you won't get the record, OK.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- I'll look ridiculous! - There isn't enough paper, Milton, you will struggle.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57For continuity, we really need you to come back out again.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Nice try, Dara.- We just need a Milton whisperer.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You said if I wore green, we'd celebrate St Patrick's Day.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08And everyone would dress the same.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Milton, get out from under the goddamn desk.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:18This is ten minutes of the Christmas special!
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Dara wears gold shoes, everyone!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Is the answer, "How long are we going to be here?"- Yay!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30APPLAUSE
0:04:32 > 0:04:34No, I actually quite like... I just
0:04:34 > 0:04:35like the stately way that
0:04:35 > 0:04:37the no-nose penguin just,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39if you let him go even for a second...
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Then he's just so funny on his tiny stumps there.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47This may be a personal question...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- Yes?- Are these your closest friends?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53These are my special Christmas friends.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- And... There he goes again. - He's good.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59OK, so we do our annual Christmas quiz.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02What were the first ever Christmas crackers called?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Were they called
0:05:03 > 0:05:06rolled-up-Christmas-explosive-paper things?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Yes, not far off, actually.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Christmas bangers!- Very close.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13They were called bangs of expectation.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I've had a few of them.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17We've all...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Followed by the clean-up of remorse.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24The towel wipe of, "Ugh, it'll do."
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Bangs of expectation,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31they were launched by a London sweetmaker called Tom Smith in 1860.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Tom Smith died cos two people pulled him in half, did you know that?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Jingle Bells was the first song to be played where?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41At my christening.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Wasn't even a Christmas birth, was it?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50No, it wasn't even Christmas, it was my dad's favourite song.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- What year we talking about? - We're talking about 1965.- Radio 1.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- December, 1965.- Jingle Bells was first written in 1965?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58No, it wasn't written...
0:05:58 > 0:06:01No, no-one said that, no-one said that, "When was Jingle Bells...?"
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Jingle Bells was the first song to be played where?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- In 1965?- It happened to happen in 1965.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07The where is important.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10OK, so Jingle Bells, written in 1965, played
0:06:10 > 0:06:11for the first time where...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13No, not that Jingle Bells was...!
0:06:13 > 0:06:18Oh, my God, it's not the first time Jingle Bells was played...
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Sure.- ..but it was the first song of any kind to be played...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23- Radio 1.- Not Radio 1.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Santa Claus' workshop.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- No.- Radio 1 was '67, so what's before that?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Oh, Jesus, not Radio 1. It's not...
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- I love it when that vein pops on your forehead.- BBC...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- We're trying so hard!- What do I do?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39What are the things I talk about?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Stars. The Sky At Night. - Irish. Robots!- The moon!
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Robot Wars! It's the first song to be played on the first episode of Robot Wars,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- 1965, BBC Two! - APPLAUSE
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- No, no...- Was it the first song ever to be played on a Megabus?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53No!
0:06:56 > 0:06:57- Ireland.- No!
0:06:57 > 0:07:01You think we waited until 1965 in Ireland to sing any songs?
0:07:01 > 0:07:06That Ireland had no songs until 1965, when we sang Jingle Bells,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09and then it all gushed forth?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12All those rebel songs we talked about singing,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14but never felt to put a tune to them?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Was it in orbit or something like that?
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Oh, what was that?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- In orbit?- Absolutely right, well done.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22In space. APPLAUSE
0:07:25 > 0:07:28My very first Christmas tree I ever had to buy, it was in a Budgens,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30and they had them all out on the pavement.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33So, I picked the best one, there was one good one, I got that,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36and I took it into Budgens and had to go through all the aisles,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39and then I was nearly at the till, and someone came up to me and said,
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"You are not supposed to bring them into Budgens.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43"You're got to leave them out there,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46"and you take the barcode from the top of the tree and then you take...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"This is really wrong, what you've done."
0:07:48 > 0:07:53So I took it all the way out again, I got the barcode off, went in,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56paid for it, came all the way out, and the tree had gone.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I looked back in the Budgens, and I could see the top of my tree just bobbing...
0:08:03 > 0:08:05..through the aisles.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- Kind of like Jaws?- Yeah.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Exactly like Jaws, actually.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11And then I had to follow the pine needles and I found the guy,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14and it was a man with his two kids, I'd say about five and seven,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16you know, the age when Christmas is everything.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21And I was like, "Sir, that's my Christmas tree."
0:08:21 > 0:08:23And then he looked in his trolley and he went,
0:08:23 > 0:08:27"It's not your Christmas tree. Oh, I suppose that's your lasagne, is it, as well, in my trolley?"
0:08:27 > 0:08:31I was like, "No. That's not my lasagne.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"That's my Christmas tree, I already paid for it."
0:08:37 > 0:08:41He went, "Oh, yeah? I guess you've paid for this lasagne, as well?"
0:08:41 > 0:08:45I said, "Sir, the lasagne is... I don't know why you're side-tracking us every time.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"The lasagne is neither here nor there.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50"You're meant to take the barcode off the tree, and then you take it to the till,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52"and then you pay for it there."
0:08:52 > 0:08:54And he picked up the lasagne and he looked at the back of it and went,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58"Just checking you didn't steal the barcode off my lasagne, as well."
0:08:58 > 0:09:01And then the same member of staff came over and said to him,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"You are supposed to actually take the barcode off, and he's right,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"He bought the tree and it's not yours."
0:09:07 > 0:09:08So he handed me the tree.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Here's a tip for you all, if someone is handing you a Christmas tree -
0:09:12 > 0:09:14don't look their children in the eyes...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19..as you're receiving the tree.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Because I saw they're all sad, and I was like, "Oh...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"Fuck them." And then I took the tree.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28And then I stole his lasagne.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30APPLAUSE
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43This week's clip features the President of the United States.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45"Oh, my God, who's this?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47"Angela, I know I said drop in whenever,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"but I am literally popping out to get a Christmas present for Kim Jong-un.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53"He's going to love it, it goes bang and it has his name on it,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55"so we have to be super-quick, so smile for the camera."
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"#statesman."
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"OK, this is the fastest press conference in history.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06"My microphone doesn't seem to be working, Donald."
0:10:06 > 0:10:07"No. OK..."
0:10:10 > 0:10:12"I ordered the pepperoni, you did not give me the pepperoni.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16"Why would you deliver me a Mexican Hot?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21"I do not like Mejico, do not like chilli,
0:10:21 > 0:10:25"I do not like the little thing you do with the beef.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28"Vladimir, is that you listening in again?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33"Oh, nasty, nasty, nasty rain.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34"Melania, stop the rain.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"I have to get ready for my speech, I need some practice.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41"OK. Now is the winter of my distant content.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"That was a brilliant line, I just thought of that, I just wrote that.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49"I have a dream.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53"That's a beautiful line, it's so difficult to choose when you're so good at speechifying.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56"OK, I am the best President ever, I'm better than Roosevelt,
0:10:56 > 0:11:01"I am better than Kennedy, I am better than Morgan Freeman.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04"Merry Christmas."
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Thank you very much, Hugh.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:11 > 0:11:13What's good news for wine lovers this festive season?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17It's available in three flavours - red, white and the lame one.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20- Rose?- Yeah.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Ugh, you monster.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I don't think much of the rose in the dentists, though.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I mean, it's a bad time to give it to you, as well.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37"I don't want a drink! This is not a time to get me drunk.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"Look, it's going everywhere!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"This is the worst date I've ever been on!"
0:11:43 > 0:11:46No, this, apparently, is what all homes should be having now,
0:11:46 > 0:11:50which is an advent calendar of wine.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54That is one of the bleakest things I've ever seen in my life.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I think if you say, "Kids, kids, kids!
0:11:56 > 0:12:00It's..." Where's the first? "Oh, kids, happy Christmas,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"what's Santa got for you today?
0:12:03 > 0:12:04"Some red!"
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Oh, my God!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Yeah, every day you get...
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Anyone want some Merlot?- I mean, there are alcoholics all across this country
0:12:11 > 0:12:13going, "What? It's a chocolate calendar."
0:12:13 > 0:12:16And then just hiding that in their lounge room.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20"Oh, sorry, Mummy's drunk three days ahead again."
0:12:20 > 0:12:25Oh, there would be nothing worse than refilling the tiny bottles the day before.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28"I've got to keep Christmas alive.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34"Can't let the magic die!"
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Would you like to taste some of the wine?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Oh, hello, there's a tiny sparkly one. For the ladies!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46See you later!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Aldi, yes, Aldi are doing this.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- Some Sauvignon blanc for yourself? - Yeah, why not?- For the drive home.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I want to see what the most Christmassy one is.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Where's the 24th gone?
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- Oh, there it is.- Have they got one which is chewing gum,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01so you can get in the car without suspicion?
0:13:02 > 0:13:03That is a...
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Oh, look at that, some...
0:13:05 > 0:13:08It should have a little breathalyser on the side.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Dara, is that screw-top champagne? - Yes, it is!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16He's going straight out of the bottle!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- Really classy.- Oh, wow, that is...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Ooh!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26OK, how do we put this down? So, anyway, yes.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30I imagine Dara's going to be very trigger-happy on the buzzer later.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31"Buzz, buzz! Hate it! Buzz, buzz!"
0:13:33 > 0:13:35As well as throwing bottles over.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"Here's a scene I'd like to see - fuck the lot of you!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42"Who's going to come to the mark next, bitches?"
0:13:47 > 0:13:50According to scientists, what does having a square head signify?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- More sex drive than people with round heads?- Yes.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Didn't they say that square-headed people are more likely to be unfaithful?
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- Unfaithful, yeah, higher sex drive. - Do you know who I feel sorry for?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Bert. Because Ernie must have been getting it all.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Beaker? Poor old Beaker.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Oh, no chance, mate.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I've been out with some square-headed men,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12you've just got to roll the dice, haven't you?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15APPLAUSE
0:14:15 > 0:14:20- Very good.- Have you ever seen the programme Eggheads?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Yeah.- Because none of them are sexy.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- It's a programme you should never appear on.- Absolute dweebos.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34Wayne Rooney's going to love it, isn't he? He's going to be like, "It's not my fault, it's me head!"
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I don't understand this, cos he's got one of the roundest...
0:14:39 > 0:14:44- He's got a really round head. - Just don't do the accent.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45I have got a very angular head,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I don't know whether it's square or not.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- It's square!- My nickname at school - amongst many others,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52one of them was Snowplough.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Because...
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Because he LOVED cocaine.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58APPLAUSE
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I mean, the rest of the pupils LIKED it...
0:15:08 > 0:15:12But you - you were a machine for the cocaine, weren't you, at school?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15"Here he comes, absolutely coked off his nut again."
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Morning registration.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21"Sir, sir, I've got an idea for a film...
0:15:21 > 0:15:23"I've wrote a script, maybe you'd like to read it."
0:15:23 > 0:15:25"This is woodwork class, Dennis!"
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I've never taken cocaine,
0:15:27 > 0:15:31and a friend of mine described me as wasting my nose.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Because apparently this is an absolute cocaine guzzler.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I don't quite know how this got onto cocaine.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41You know how it did, Snowplough!
0:15:41 > 0:15:42What they worked out was,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45because of the shape of my chin and my cheekbones,
0:15:45 > 0:15:50if you pushed me along the playground on a snowy day,
0:15:50 > 0:15:54the chin would scoop up the snow, and it would all funnel...
0:15:54 > 0:15:58You say that they work this out, just purely theoretically or...?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00They pushed me along the playground.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04So the snow would go up your nose...
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- ..is the story you're telling us. - Yes.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13These programmes about the news are fantastic.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21Right, how are presents delivered to children in the Catalonian region of Spain?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Is it a saint of some sort?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- It's not a saint, no.- It's a small, Catalan man?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30It's not. This is Caga Tio, he is a Christmas log.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Literally, a Christmas Log.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33What, he brings the presents?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Well, he brings presents...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38What they do is, they sit him down. It's going to be difficult to demonstrate this.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42The Catalan children tap him, they tap him.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- They hit him with a stick?- They hit him with a little stick. They hit him with a little stick.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- And then they set fire to him. - And then they sing the song of,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"Poo, log - poo nougat, hazelnuts and cheese curd.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"If you don't poo well, I'll hit you with a stick. Poo, log."
0:16:53 > 0:16:55That's what they sing. Oh!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57The rest of Spain are really going to miss them.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01And then what they do is then they pull back the blanket,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03and there are presents and toys.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08I thought you meant, like, iPads and toys like that, that it shat out...
0:17:08 > 0:17:12How would a log of wood shit out an iPad?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14How does it shit out anything?!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17This is at least slightly more likely than...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19You said presents, you didn't specify little shoe...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I think you've got enough to worry about, just shitting it out -
0:17:22 > 0:17:25he's got to build electronics in his ass?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I've got a bang-up idea for Apple's next launch.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Just Tim Cook comes out, he's like, "Urgh...!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I'll have to put it down, because obviously for continuity,
0:17:35 > 0:17:36in case we don't include the shitting tree.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Why would you not include the shitting tree?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I have no idea. I think they should be on...
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I don't know when this special's on,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46the entire family doesn't gather around at 3:10,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49after the Queen does her bit, we arrive out with a shitting tree.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I tell you what I seem to have received for Christmas,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56and that is an urgent need for a raging piss.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Then we shall promptly move on. Right.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05To be fair, he has been waiting since September.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10What has been developed by scientists -
0:18:10 > 0:18:14possibly the same ones - to make people more confident at work?
0:18:14 > 0:18:15- Jagerbombs.- Yes.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19This is a coolness test, isn't it?
0:18:19 > 0:18:24But the thing that really worries me about this is it's been developed by scientists.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30For whom coolness is whether or not you can maybe talk to a girl.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36Are we really in a position to complain about how uncool scientists are?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Compared to us.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40We ARE the coolest!
0:18:40 > 0:18:41What, what...?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Hugh, how many kids have you got? - Two.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Hugh's had sex.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47APPLAUSE
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Meanwhile, what have scientists...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54They're not the same ones, it's not the same three...
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Take a day off!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59..that crashed the spacecraft...
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- Meanwhile, what...- You want to do that again without burping?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09I love that Theresa May's doing so badly that this is a chance for stars
0:19:09 > 0:19:12from the past to get back in the limelight again.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I'm just waiting for, tell you what, Samantha Brex... Fuck, never mind.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20I was going to say Samantha Mumba, but I changed her name to Brexit.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Isn't that Boris Johnson's drag name?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Nish, please don't be funny about my mistake -
0:19:29 > 0:19:32that means it'll be in the show.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34APPLAUSE
0:19:35 > 0:19:37OK, the first subject is...
0:19:41 > 0:19:42BUZZER
0:19:42 > 0:19:43That was early.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47He's got a lot of faith, hasn't he?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50In other news, according to scientists,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53what does having a square head signify?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- Massive sex drive.- Yes.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Oh, an answer?- MASSIVE sex drive. - He just did an answer.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03According to scientists, what does having a square head signify?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I think it's massive sex drive.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08It is. Weird, isn't it?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- MASSIVE sex drive. - Massive sex drive, yeah.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Massive.- Abnormally large sex drive.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19It's a different answer, to this one -
0:20:19 > 0:20:23what initial plan for Corbyn's arrival did organisers scrap?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27You're right, a massive sex drive.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31That's bad news, because I answered that question earlier on, and
0:20:31 > 0:20:33that lets me know my joke's getting edited out.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Oh, sorry, can you sit up as if you haven't just done the show, and you're in...?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51We won't kiss on the lips, but imagine it like this, right?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- Christmas kiss, Christmas kiss! - Just warming up a little.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58So, "Hi, Hugh, great to see you.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- Hi...- And then you go to kiss me on that side, and I go to...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04But we think we're going to do a double kiss...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06No, hang on, hang on. No, I go to kiss you on that side...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I'm sure the original thing...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I actually went to kiss you on the lips there and you resisted.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Oh, OK.- No, Hugh, it's ruined!
0:21:14 > 0:21:15It's like all my dates.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17This is the worst Christmas ever!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22What piece of history, by the way, has Britain made during this
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- tournament?- Pardon me?- What piece of history has Britain...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Could you not mumble when you're asking us questions, please?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31How do you expect us to answer questions if you're going to mumble?
0:21:31 > 0:21:35What piece of history did Britain make during this tournament?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"Which piece of history"?
0:21:38 > 0:21:39What an odd way of phrasing that.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- It's unusual, isn't it? But that's the way we talk.- What piece of history did Britain make?- Yes.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Yes! Jeez!- Do you mean, "In what way did Britain make history?"
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Is that perhaps the phrase you're...?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Not really, because it doesn't... In fact, honestly...
0:21:51 > 0:21:55How well have domestic players performed at this tournament?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, my God. Well, they've made history.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00They've made history.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Now, ladies, you know what time it is.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Time to pour yourself a glass of wine, light some candles,
0:22:07 > 0:22:11cos next up, it's Dara O Briain's Go 8-bit.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- That, that is... That is unlikely, Ed.- Unlikely.- Correct.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Remaining in Europe, what are the French facing a shortage of?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Croissants.- Indeed, croissants.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- Why are they facing a shortage of croissants?- They've run out of butter.- They have, why?
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Cos of Last Tango In Paris.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44OK, then I shall ask the most obvious question, then -
0:22:44 > 0:22:47how can a Scandinavian child win a marzipan pig at Christmas?
0:22:47 > 0:22:52By killing someone and it being turned into a Scandi-noir detective drama.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56No, no, that's not it. You're in some pain and discomfort now at this
0:22:56 > 0:22:58stage, I'd imagine, so...
0:22:58 > 0:22:59They piss it, they piss it out.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I'm currently imagining just, like, pissing presents out my dick.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07All right, someone give me the stick.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Shall I tell them? They win the marzipan pig...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12In fact, I will show you the marzipan pig.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15This is the marzipan pig in question.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Although, obviously, it's different for...
0:23:17 > 0:23:18I don't know where it is. There he is.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20He looks like Michael Gove.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24By finding a single almond, the
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- single almond in a bowl of rice pudding.- I've played this!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Have you done this?!- So, it's this big sort of rice pudding-y
0:23:30 > 0:23:33dessert that comes out, and there's one almond in it.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34And one of these contains an almond.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- No, they don't all contain almonds? - I haven't eaten sugar since July, so this...
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Oh, mush it around, jeez,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I'm not going to put you into a shock.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43What happens when someone finds it?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Just say it, rather than...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I've found the almond!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48No, you haven't, I've got it in my mouth!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Bravo, you've found the almond.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58You liar and cheat.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- But I've found an almond. - Hang on, what?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- I've found an almond. - That's not an almond.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Ah, shit, we've only got one marzipan pig.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I assumed it was a whole almond.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- Yeah, it is.- Do you know, I kind of thought that, as well,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10but it's not been fully explained to me.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- This reminds me...- Is there a whole almond in one of these?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15There was a bullet in mine, is that relevant?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17No, it's got flaked almonds in!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Right. My hands are going in.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Fair enough. - That's actually happening.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Also, can you tell them, send a mop down?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I pissed myself about two minutes ago.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Bravo, Glenn. Glenn, you have found the almond.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I'm really competitive, I can't rest!
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Stop feeling your food.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44You've found the almond.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Therefore, by all the great Norwegian traditions,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48we present you with this marzipan pig.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Glenn Moore, thank you very much, well done.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- And that makes you winners of this year's Christmas...- Congratulations!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Thank you very much.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59The next topic is...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Yeah, I'll be chauffeuring Eamon all through December.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08That's right, I'm driving Holmes for Christmas.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- HIGH-PITCHED:- Yes, that's right. It is plum pudding.
0:25:16 > 0:25:21And from my voice, you can probably work out whose plums they used.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- COCKNEY ACCENT:- Happy Christmas, you bunch of Muppets!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Danny Dyer stars in a Muppets' Christmas Carol.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Well, it's soaked in brandy.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Let's get it lit and we can pretend she fell asleep watching telly.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47The wise men were actually late for the birth,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50cos wise man Dara saw the star and wouldn't stop banging on about
0:25:50 > 0:25:52space for three and a half hours.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I think it's best for everyone this Christmas
0:25:56 > 0:26:00if we take Chris Rea's car keys away.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07No, Grandad, I'm absolutely fascinated to listen to you talk
0:26:07 > 0:26:10about the Islamic faith. You're so alive to its subtleties and nuances.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19My goodness, that's an enormous pile under the tree.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21When did you have it removed, Grandad?
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Oh, we're under the mistletoe, I think you know what that means!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I've locked us outside again, haven't I?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40No, I love it when your parents come home for Christmas.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51I can't believe there's this many needles under the tree already.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54We're really going to have to talk to Grandma about her heroin habit.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Wow, ABBA's greatest hits!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Oh, no, it's a video of
0:27:02 > 0:27:06assassinations by PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21OK, charades, then, right, OK.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Two words, OK. You're going to do the whole thing?
0:27:23 > 0:27:24OK. It's the Human Centipede.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Grandma, stop!
0:27:30 > 0:27:33"You there, boy, tell me, what day is it?"
0:27:33 > 0:27:36"Why, sir, it's the first day of the DFS sofa sale!"
0:27:42 > 0:27:45OK, the next topic is...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50He pressed his lips to hers and slid his tongue in.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53"That's not how you're supposed to do it!", shouted the other paramedic.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03He kissed her breast, tenderly.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06"Oi," she said, "Get your own KFC bucket."
0:28:10 > 0:28:14"Mr Darcy is the most eligible bachelor in the county,"
0:28:14 > 0:28:15said Mrs Bennett.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18"And he's hung like a fucking carthorse!"
0:28:22 > 0:28:23Everything was in place.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25The bubble bath had been poured.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28The chocolate was there. The scented candles have been lit.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31This was going to be the best wank ever.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41He put the chocolates down beside her.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Silence. And then at last she spoke.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47"Unexpected item in the bagging area."
0:28:53 > 0:28:55She had never had a menage a trois before,
0:28:55 > 0:28:58let alone with two famous brothers.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00They drove her wild all night with their cries of,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03"To me! To you! To me, to you! To me!"
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Sophie looked absolutely beautiful in her flowing wedding dress.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16Admittedly, it was an odd choice to wear on a first date.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22"Oh, Mr Darcy, you're so becoming!"
0:29:22 > 0:29:27"Really?", he replied, "Because I think it's you that will BE COMING!"
0:29:39 > 0:29:41"I want to see you shit in this bin."
0:29:52 > 0:29:54That...
0:29:54 > 0:29:55..does fulfil the criteria.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- I think that's one for the Christmas special, isn't it?- I think it is.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Yeah. It's a festive one, there.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Should have said "happy Christmas" at the end.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08"When they left the bar, she saw him in a new light.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10"Daylight, and he was disgusting."
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Good night, goodbye, merry Christmas all from us at Mock The Week.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Have a wonderful Christmas, goodbye, have a lovely time.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23- Merry Christmas.- Merry Christmas, everybody.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Merry Christmas, as the happy penguin falls.
0:30:27 > 0:30:28Oh!
0:30:28 > 0:30:32- I've found the almond. - You found the almond!
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Man!
0:30:38 > 0:30:40- Don't!- Put it back!
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Fuck you.