0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:30 > 0:00:34This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Nish Kumar, Kerry Godliman and Glenn Moore,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52We start with a round called Picture of the Week.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I show the panel a topical image
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and ask them to tell me what is happening.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57So, what's going on here?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Is it Jeremy Corbyn figuring out he's broken his Tinder
0:01:01 > 0:01:03because he always swipes left?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Is he googling how to tie a tie?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10He looks like he's just done
0:01:10 > 0:01:12BuzzFeed's "Which Labour Leader Are You?" quiz
0:01:12 > 0:01:13and it's come back as Tony Blair.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Is he starting to wonder
0:01:16 > 0:01:20if Diane Abbott's 68-digit phone number is entirely accurate?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25He's using the app Find My Glasses.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Is it - he doesn't actually want anyone to see -
0:01:30 > 0:01:32but he's probably booking an Uber?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37THAT was satirical, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I think he's checking his Betfred account,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42cos they've got to finance that manifesto somehow, haven't they?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46He's looking up home-made jam on Google Images
0:01:46 > 0:01:48and he's turned SafeSearch off.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53He's sending a selfie to Beard Of The Year.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58THAT...wasn't satirical.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Has he just received a text message saying,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04"Have you been involved in an election that wasn't your fault?"
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Does anyone have an actual idea of what it is?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Yeah. That...is Jeremy Corbyn.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Correct. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19It is...yes.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Yes, it's the toughest quiz on TV, this.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Yes, this is a picture of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn
0:02:24 > 0:02:27ahead of this week's Labour Party Conference in Brighton.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Corbyn avoided a potentially embarrassing row over Europe
0:02:30 > 0:02:31after members and trade union officials
0:02:31 > 0:02:34decided to not debate Brexit.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Surely they should be talking about Brexit?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39It's kind of like, um...like when me and my girlfriend
0:02:39 > 0:02:41avoid talking about getting married.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42I know we've got opposite views on it,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45but if we say them out loud in public, it will ruin the party.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48It's crazy, as well, isn't it?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Because they're discussing lots of other things -
0:02:50 > 0:02:53they're discussing social care and housing.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57So the agenda of the conference, really, is to discuss all the things
0:02:57 > 0:02:58they won't be able to afford
0:02:58 > 0:03:00because of the thing they won't be discussing.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03I don't understand how you get...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Like, I can't get through a conversation at the moment
0:03:05 > 0:03:07without talking about Brexit.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I was in a coffee shop and the guy asked me what I wanted
0:03:09 > 0:03:11and I said, "To remain in the single market."
0:03:11 > 0:03:14He looked at me like..."I mean, that's obviously not what I meant."
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Really, he's in the good times -
0:03:16 > 0:03:20because it's a surprise to have done so well at the election.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Exactly - when he was at the conference a couple of years ago,
0:03:22 > 0:03:23everyone was like, "Not sure."
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Now he's rocked up two years later,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27he's like Sandy at the end of Grease.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Everyone's like "Whoa!"
0:03:29 > 0:03:31"What you going to do about it, stud?"
0:03:33 > 0:03:35They somehow need to work out a policy that appeals
0:03:35 > 0:03:38to Leavers and Remainers, and that's impossible.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39What they need is, sort of,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41a political equivalent of that dress.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43You know, like, "Is it white and gold,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"or is it free market access?"
0:03:45 > 0:03:49I definitely know which side of the equation wants it to be white.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56A load of people then went, "Whoa!" As if, like, they're the victims.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"Don't have a go at the racists."
0:04:00 > 0:04:02That won't make it in.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09What initial plans for Corbyn's arrival did they scrap?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- He was going to walk on water. - Yes.- That is literally true.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16They were going to do a trick where it looked like...
0:04:16 > 0:04:20It was going to look like he was walking on water, like Dynamo.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Just copying Dynamo. He was the first person who did it.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28It's offensive.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I think it's a good idea.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33A floating politician trying to attract the floating voter.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I think it's a lovely thing - he'll just be out on the sea,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38the idea he'll be out on the sea in Brighton,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41then he'd move or he'd be on a pontoon of some description,
0:04:41 > 0:04:43just floating along, and you could hear bits of it
0:04:43 > 0:04:45as he went past and then he'd just keep going
0:04:45 > 0:04:47and bits of the speech will disappear on thin air,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49then he'd presumably bounce off one of the piers
0:04:49 > 0:04:51and come floating back the other way,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53and you'd hear, "Oh, public finances..."
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- That's all you need.- I don't think it's that impressive, Dara -
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Theresa May's been treading water since June.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I'd have liked it if he was just on a big inflatable crocodile.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Just bouncing.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08If this is what they're planning and they didn't even win,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10imagine if they win.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13He'll, like, come out of a parachute like the Queen in 2012.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- So exciting.- I love the idea,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17cos there's a lot of fucked-up people hang out on that beach.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Just the idea of Jeremy Corbyn just floating past...
0:05:22 > 0:05:23"How much did you take, Barbara?"
0:05:25 > 0:05:28In other news, where was Theresa May speaking this week?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Florence.- She did go to Florence.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- Hm, yeah.- Nice. Lovely place to go.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37Yeah, where she was trapped in a glass box and failed to get out.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I think...I'm not quite sure why she went to Florence...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48The way it's going, these constant extensions,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51it feels like the only way we're going to leave Europe
0:05:51 > 0:05:53is because of actual continental drift.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Nigel Farage is very unhappy about the, sort of, transitional period,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05and he said people in this country didn't vote
0:06:05 > 0:06:06for a transitional period.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I tell you what else people in this country didn't vote for.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Nigel Farage.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14The Government also - I mean, this is fair -
0:06:14 > 0:06:16they want us to be more positive about Brexit.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17- Yes, they do.- So I'm happy to say
0:06:17 > 0:06:21I'm positive it's a massive risk and no-one knows what they're doing.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I wish they'd admit they don't know what they're doing.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26That would be so admirable to just go,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29"But it's really hard. Forget it, I wish I hadn't said it."
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Sometimes I say to the kids, "Right, that is it!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"No telly, no video games, no iPads."
0:06:34 > 0:06:37But that is unenforceable. You cannot keep that up.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39And you're like, "Argh! Do what you like.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42"Google porn, have Haribo. I don't care."
0:06:46 > 0:06:48"I give up. Everything on the screen.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50"Everything on the screen."
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"Google porn, have Haribo."
0:06:53 > 0:06:54You just described Friday nights.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58"Oh, this is tangfastic!"
0:07:00 > 0:07:03What has happened since the speech?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Oh, it's all gone tremendously positively.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- It has, yeah. - Boris has claimed credit for it.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Boris has claimed credit for it. Yes.- Which is a bit weird,
0:07:09 > 0:07:10cos it went down badly
0:07:10 > 0:07:13so it's a bit like demanding praise for a fart in a lift.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Boris is just there, being like, "I smelt it, I dealt it,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"I did the crime, I've done the rhyme, BANG!"
0:07:20 > 0:07:22It's like claiming responsibility for a fart in a lift
0:07:22 > 0:07:25while not being in the lift when the door opens.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Leaning in and going, "I did that."
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Boris isn't really in charge of Brexit,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33and now it looks like we'll be staying in Europe for longer
0:07:33 > 0:07:36and no-one knows what's happening, so it's not really Brexit any more,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38but it's still got the name Brexit.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40It hasn't really got the original cast in it, either.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43So Brexit has sort of become Fast And Furious Tokyo Drift.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I can't wait for the Rock to get involved in Brexit.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49So excited for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
0:07:49 > 0:07:50to get involved in Brexit.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52If the Rock got involved in Brexit,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I would apologise to all the Leave voters so quickly.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57"You were right, this was a great idea. I love you all."
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Moving on, according to scientists,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03what does having a square head signify?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- More sex drive than people with round heads, isn't it?- Yes.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Didn't they say square-headed people are more likely to be unfaithful?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Unfaithful, yeah, higher sex drive. - You know who I feel sorry for?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Bert. Cos Ernie must have been getting it all.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Beaker. Poor old Beaker.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Oh, no chance, mate. - HE IMITATES BEAKER
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I've been out with some square-headed men.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You've just got to roll the dice, ain't ya?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Have you ever seen the programme Eggheads?
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Yeah.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35None of them are sexy.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39It's a programme I could never appear on.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Bunch of...absolute dweebos.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Wayne Rooney's going to love it, ain't he?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47He's going to be like, "It's not my fault, it's me head."
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I don't understand this, cos he's got one of the roundest...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55You just wanted to do the accent.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I have got a very angular head,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- I don't know whether it's square or not.- It's square.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02My nickname at school, amongst many others,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05one of them was Snowplough.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Because...
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Cos he LOVED cocaine.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I mean, the rest of the pupils liked it,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23but YOU, you were a machine...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I hoovered it up.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"Here he comes, absolutely coked off his nut again,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29"morning registration."
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"Sir, sir! I've got an idea for a film.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36"I've written a script. Maybe you'd like to read it..."
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"This is woodwork class, Dennis."
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I've never taken cocaine,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44and a friend of mine described me as "wasting my nose."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Because apparently, this is an absolute cocaine guzzler.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Yes. I don't know quite how this got onto cocaine. Anyway...
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- You know how it did, Snowplough. - What they worked out was,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58because of the shape of my chin and my cheekbones,
0:09:58 > 0:10:02if you pushed me along the playground on a snowy day,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05the chin would scoop up the snow
0:10:05 > 0:10:08and it would all funnel in the correct direction.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11They just worked this out theoretically? Or did they...?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- They pushed me along the playground. - Oh, Hugh!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16So then, the snow would go...
0:10:16 > 0:10:17up your nose...
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- ..is the story you're telling us? - Yes.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28These programmes about the news are fantastic, aren't they?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31At the end of that round, the points go to Glenn, Kerry and Nish.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33APPLAUSE
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Now we play a round called What's The Story, Warring Tories?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43This game involves James and Glenn.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel...
0:10:55 > 0:10:57The first subject is Jobs.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Who wants to come in on that? Glenn.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03There were loads of jobs I wanted when I was a kid.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Whether it was starting up a Ouija board business
0:11:06 > 0:11:09with my great-great-great- great-great grandfather
0:11:09 > 0:11:11or becoming a detective like Poirot
0:11:11 > 0:11:14or Craig David's girlfriend's parents in Fill Me In.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17I always wanted to be a movie star,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20you know, like a proper method actor like Eddie Murphy,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23cos, you know, Eddie Murphy is so method and so committed,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26that to get into the role of a vet in Doctor Doolittle,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Eddie Murphy actually spent ten years
0:11:28 > 0:11:30starring in lots of other shit films.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:36It's so expensive everywhere you go if you don't have a job.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I stopped getting haircuts
0:11:38 > 0:11:40because there's hidden costs even when you get a haircut.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42You think you're paying for just the haircut
0:11:42 > 0:11:44and then at the end, the hairdresser does that
0:11:44 > 0:11:46annoying thing where they try to convince you
0:11:46 > 0:11:48to buy one of their mirrors
0:11:48 > 0:11:49and go, "What do you think of this?"
0:11:52 > 0:11:55So, I said, "I don't want to buy one of your mirrors,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58"I want you to wash my hair at an angle I've otherwise never been at."
0:12:00 > 0:12:02So expensive everywhere you go.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I used to get the bus to work every day.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Get this. £29 per bus journey.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09£29 per bus journey is insane...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11..but not as insane as this woman who used to sit on the top deck
0:12:11 > 0:12:14every day with a microphone telling us where in London we were.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18£29 per bus journey and you can't even afford a roof?
0:12:18 > 0:12:19It takes three and a half hours
0:12:19 > 0:12:21to get between Buckingham Palace and Westminster.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Neither of which are places I work at.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25But for the first time in my life,
0:12:25 > 0:12:26I thought, "I've got a job, I can buy things,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28"I can buy things for my room.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"I can buy a chest of drawers and a desk lamp
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"and a flashing neon 'halal' sign for my window."
0:12:35 > 0:12:37When you get a job you think, "Oh, great, now I'm a proper grown-up."
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Next step, getting married, having kids,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42so I can be one of those proper adults who can call themselves,
0:12:42 > 0:12:43on Facebook and LinkedIn,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46a "Father to two amazing daughters", "Mother to three amazing sons",
0:12:46 > 0:12:48and I can't call myself that because I don't have those kids
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and people don't really like it
0:12:50 > 0:12:52when I call myself a "Nephew to three gorgeous uncles".
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Thank you very much, Glenn.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59APPLAUSE
0:12:59 > 0:13:01OK, that leaves us with James.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07And the topic is Growing Up.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I thought it was feet for a second, then!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:16You grow up in little bits and increments, in my opinion.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Bit by bit.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I think the first time you become even a little bit of a grown-up
0:13:19 > 0:13:22is when your parents start letting you make your own squash.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29It's a big day because, until then, my mum was making all the squash,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32all the time and I don't want to offend her if she's watching,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35but it was the weakest-ass squash I've ever had in my life.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37It was so bad, I'd have to squint at it, like,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39"I guess that's got a vague orange tint to it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"I'll try to imagine what that tastes like as a flavour
0:13:41 > 0:13:43"when I'm drinking it."
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Then you'd go round some other kid's house,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50whose parents are a bit more laissez faire.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52That squash knocks your socks off, it's incredible.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I'd be like, "Whoa, you've got access to this squash on the daily?"
0:13:55 > 0:13:58He's like, "Yeah, but my parents don't pay me much attention.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59"I'm worried they don't love me."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I was like, "I would leave it all in a heartbeat
0:14:01 > 0:14:02"for one sip of this squash.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05"Tell your dad I love him. Tell your dad I love him."
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I had to make a squash for my nephew recently.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12First time I've made squash since I was living with my parents,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I haven't done it in my tweens, I'm an adult who doesn't have kids -
0:14:14 > 0:14:18and I know there are some adults watching who don't have kids,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20who drink squash, but, let me tell you,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22if you are the kind of person who drinks squash
0:14:22 > 0:14:24even though there are no kids in the house,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27you've got bodies in the walls and heads in the freezer.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:33I don't trust a single one of you.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I was out of practice making squash and I had to make it for my nephew.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Let me tell you, I should have really like given myself a side view
0:14:40 > 0:14:42so I could see the glass proper - but I didn't.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I'm 32, I got so close to the glass,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48so I looked straight down at it, just straight down.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51It was just a flat circle, I had no idea of depths or dimensions.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I hoofed it in.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I damn near gave that kid Type 2.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:01 > 0:15:04He was bouncing off the walls on Fun Uncle James's Mega Squash,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06losing his mind, going loopy.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08At one point, he starts asking me weird questions.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10He goes "Uncle James,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"how come my lip skin is different to the rest of my skin?"
0:15:14 > 0:15:18I was like, "I've never thought about that, but now you've said it,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21"not a day is going to go by when I don't think about it."
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Imagine if your whole body was lip skin?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It would take you hours to get ready in the morning.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28You'd be stood there with a ChapStick.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35That's if you were the only one covered in lip skin, obviously,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38you'd have a little ChapStick. If we were all lip skin,
0:15:38 > 0:15:39and that was just the whole human race,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42then there'd be like a giant ChapStick in the living room,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45from floor to ceiling, rotating at the speed of a kebab spit.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50The whole family would line up, like cats on a scratching post.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51All over it in the morning.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53And then, we'd walk out into a world
0:15:53 > 0:15:57where no-one can shake hands for fear of becoming aroused.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59APPLAUSE
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Thank you very much, James. At the end of that round,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04points go to James Acaster. Well done, thank you very much.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13On the board are six categories.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Glenn, which category would you like?
0:16:15 > 0:16:16I'd like Home News, please, Dara.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19OK, your category is Home News.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20The answer is 40,000.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23What is the question?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Is it where in the line of royal succession is Samantha Mumba?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Did I get it right?- No.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Is it at school I had some fake Adidas bottoms.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35You could tell they were fake,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37because they had how many stripes on each leg?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Is it the number of times every day I get someone tweeting me saying,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"Do you know you look like Liverpool player Mohamed Salah?"
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Is it that time when I tried to cook enough rice to feed two people -
0:16:51 > 0:16:54when it was cooked, how many people would it actually have fed?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Is it how many M&Ms would I have to put in a row to spell
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Mmmmmmmmmmmm...
0:17:03 > 0:17:07..mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
0:17:07 > 0:17:10..mmmmmmmmm...
0:17:10 > 0:17:12mmm-ah?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Is it the number that I really count up to
0:17:15 > 0:17:18when I'm playing hide and seek with my kids?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Is it, so far, how many times in the Brexit negotiations
0:17:23 > 0:17:26has Michel Barnier gone, "No"?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Is it how many times Wayne Rooney has said sorry?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Is it how many of my Facebook friends
0:17:35 > 0:17:38turned out to be my mum trying to make me feel better?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Is it how many times have my parents asked me
0:17:43 > 0:17:46why I'm not on Mock the Week? Is this good enough, Dad?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Anyone know what the actual answer is?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Is it the number of jobs that are going to be lost because of Uber?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00That's close enough to the question, thank you very much, Nish.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03APPLAUSE
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Yes, the question I was looking for is,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"How many minicab drivers are thought to work for Uber in London?"
0:18:07 > 0:18:10This is the news that this week Transport For London
0:18:10 > 0:18:12decided not to renew the private-hire licence
0:18:12 > 0:18:13of the ride-hailing company Uber.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16The firm's current licence will expire this Sunday,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18and the decision is thought to affect 40,000 drivers
0:18:18 > 0:18:22and 3,500,000 customers. There has to be an element to which, however,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25there are 40,000 drivers who are now just going to have to,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28really sheepishly, go back to the local minicab company
0:18:28 > 0:18:31they were working at a year ago and go, "Hello!"
0:18:31 > 0:18:36And the guy going, "Well, well, well...
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"So, tell me, how was 'the future'?"
0:18:40 > 0:18:42We're going to be really nostalgic about it in a few years
0:18:42 > 0:18:45and be like "Oh, my God, do you remember Uber? It was so much fun!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47"It was just this tiny little bottle full of fizzy drink
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"and it had a bear on the front..."
0:18:49 > 0:18:50I'm thinking of Panda Pops...
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I mean, it's gone back to appeal,
0:18:53 > 0:18:54and there's every chance, you know,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57they'll sort out regulations and they'll return.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- So it's not, it may not be... - I hope so, cos I get a lot of Ubers.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I keep getting... They're so easy aren't they? Errrh!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05There's a little Uber. I get a pint of milk.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Errrh! Pint of milk. Walk the dog? Errrh! Just get an Uber.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Just got the dog sticking out of the car.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"Stay in first gear, mate, dog's sticking out the car."
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Why does your Uber have that sound effect? Errrrh!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19That's how easy it is.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23You know on the Uber map, what I love is the Uber map,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25as the car approaches you, and sometimes it goes past,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27it gets it wrong and has to come back -
0:19:27 > 0:19:29and then, sometimes, when it hasn't turned round completely -
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I don't know why I love this, it's so childish -
0:19:31 > 0:19:34when the car comes towards you sideways? Have you had that?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Down the road and you're thinking, I hope that's just the app
0:19:39 > 0:19:40and not the actual car.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Because that's going sideways.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Do you agree? Are you boycotting them?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47No, no, I was a bit wary about some of the practices
0:19:47 > 0:19:50and I like my local minicab company, you know, it's grand.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- That's very admirable.- What you mean is you've got a chauffeur.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Yeah. Yeah. He's a nice guy.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Ahoy-hoy, everyone.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I hardly ever use Uber, but I go on a Boris Bike.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07I use Boris Bikes the whole time.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I like a Boris Bike, but they're made for a shorter man,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13so while I like the idea of elegantly whizzing through town
0:20:13 > 0:20:16it's ruined by the fact that I keep kneeing myself in the face
0:20:16 > 0:20:17every time my legs come up.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Well, now you know how Boris feels.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23On a daily basis, constantly hitting himself in the face.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26They shouldn't be called Boris Bikes in the first place
0:20:26 > 0:20:29because wasn't it Ken Livingstone who initially came up with the idea?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31They should be called Kenny Farthings.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:37 > 0:20:42It's nice to see on the news, like, black cab drivers looking happy.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45They haven't looked this happy since Magic FM went 24 hours.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I'm glad that they folded, man.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49I'm glad that the whole company's gone.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Now the marketplace is wide open for my business,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55"Learner" - LRNR, and, basically, what it is is,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59the drivers are all learner drivers on provisional licences
0:20:59 > 0:21:03and you can only get a ride if you yourself own a full driving licence.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- Yeah.- And that way, we don't have to pay the drivers
0:21:07 > 0:21:09because it's all experience.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Good. Very good.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Very good idea!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16APPLAUSE
0:21:16 > 0:21:19You know the chief exec from Uber he said that he's finding out
0:21:19 > 0:21:21that there's a high cost to a bad reputation
0:21:21 > 0:21:23and I thought I remember learning that the hard way.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27You know you give one blowy in a park, Sixth Form - ruined.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31In other news, what new payment method
0:21:31 > 0:21:33is being used at branches of Costcutter?
0:21:33 > 0:21:37They've introduced new technology to read fingers as payment...
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Yes.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39..but I think they prefer money.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42APPLAUSE
0:21:42 > 0:21:44It's identification, a bit like, you know,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47any of these beepy things. Yeah, but using your finger.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I'm really looking forward to it
0:21:49 > 0:21:51because it will be the first time in my life I'll be able to be,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"Yeah, that's £5, please." And I can go, "Yeah, um..."
0:21:56 > 0:21:58And they'll go, "Thank you very much."
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Some places need cash, though, don't they?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I don't want to see this system in a strip club.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08This is... This, supposedly...
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Cos you would think that the Mafia would cut off
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- lots of people's fingers and use them to pay for stuff...- Yeah.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16But, in fact, it can tell whether you're alive or not
0:22:16 > 0:22:19because it is the veins. And I think that's not...
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I don't think that's true, because my mum, for example,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24cannot turn on an induction hob.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28You know, when you have to press the thing on your hob like that.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30It does not turn on because her fingers,
0:22:30 > 0:22:31her circulation is so bad,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33her fingers are too cold!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36So, when she used to come and babysit and stuff,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38she couldn't cook anything.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- You had to leave stuff for her cos she...- Hugh...- ..couldn't...- Hugh...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Your mum's been dead for years.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I know, I know...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Well, I was thinking, it would be terrible...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51We all went to her funeral, Hugh.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- You've got to let it go, mate. - We sat in this formation!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Wouldn't it be awful if my mum went into a shop
0:22:57 > 0:22:59and had to do this to pay for something...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Yes, because she'd scare people.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03They'd go, "Oh, my God, there's dead Mrs Dennis
0:23:03 > 0:23:06"who died all those years ago. Why can't you be at rest?"
0:23:06 > 0:23:10"Because my son will not acknowledge that I'm dead."
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I'm so sorry, by the way, to your mother.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15She's a lovely woman. I've met her a few times. Lovely woman.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Lovely woman, and dead as hell.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:25OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Glenn, Kerry and Nish.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area?
0:23:31 > 0:23:32I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:32 > 0:23:34and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36OK, here we go the first subject is...
0:23:40 > 0:23:41It's not my fault.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43You told me to reconstruct the crime,
0:23:43 > 0:23:44so I killed someone.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53"So according to this the suspect was 5'5, red hair, glasses..."
0:23:53 > 0:23:55How pissed was I last night?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Sarge, I can't find any fingerprints!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I don't think the killer had any hands!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Oh, no, gloves! Yeah, fair point, they could have been wearing gloves.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Sergeant, you left the luggage in a wind tunnel.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Well, this is going to blow the whole case wide open!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Put your hands where I can see them.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Oh, yeah, those are some sexy hands.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28You're going down for a very long time,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30cos I did it for you on your birthday.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- IN DISTORTED VOICE:- Um, the attacker first broke into the house when...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- NORMAL VOICE:- Oh, you'll alter my voice afterwards?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I told you all to play this one by the book,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53now I've got the FBI and the DA on my ass
0:24:53 > 0:24:56and, also, everyone keeps thinking on the phone
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I'm African-American when I'm clearly a Chinese lady!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05When Forensics arrives let them know that, as per usual,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08a lot of the semen is courtesy of yours truly.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:19 > 0:25:21So, is this the body here, yeah?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Oh, GOD! Sorry, Tina, I didn't recognise you without your make-up.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Wait, so you're trying to tell me that the mounted policeman
0:25:32 > 0:25:35at the home end of Liverpool Stadium fired a bullet
0:25:35 > 0:25:36that just about grazed Liverpool's manager.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40You're trying to tell me the Kop cop on clip-clops clipped Klopp?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47We're the boys in blue.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48We wanted to be called The Blue Man Group
0:25:48 > 0:25:52but that name was already taken by some very talented individuals.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Hate crime?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59No, I love crime.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01It's why I do this job.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06We've searched the suspect's room
0:26:06 > 0:26:09and we found traces of semen, alcohol and cocaine.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Our conclusion - absolute legend.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18For the benefit of the tape
0:26:18 > 0:26:21the suspect is a really lovely bit of rough.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26He can find anybody,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29he can find any suspect.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30But can he find himself?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33This is Gap-Year Detective.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38APPLAUSE
0:26:39 > 0:26:41OK, the next topic is...
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Good Morning, I'm Susanna Reid - and I'm not blinking,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50this is a cry for help in Morse Code.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Shouldn't you be at college?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Something a bit different in today's episode of Countdown,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Susie Dent is actually going to be playing the game.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Let's see how she copes without her fucking dictionary.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Welcome to Escape To The Country,
0:27:16 > 0:27:17or to give it its full title -
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Some Smug Wankers Fancy A Bit Of Fresh Air.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Welcome...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25to Smell The Cheese.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Welcome, you're watching Four In A Bed
0:27:33 > 0:27:35where we'll be catching up with your mum.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Well, he already presents everything
0:27:42 > 0:27:45and now he's fronting the new ITV breakfast show.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Yes, it's Good Morning, Briain.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Well, coming up now on BBC Two,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56you can use the Red Button to choose your daytime show.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58It's either a travel documentary
0:27:58 > 0:28:00about alcoholic narcoleptic rabbis on holiday,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02or a current affairs and arts programme -
0:28:02 > 0:28:04it's You-Snooze-You-Lose Booze Cruise For Jews
0:28:04 > 0:28:06or News And Reviews - you choose.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Well, it's a difficult topic, but later on,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17we'll be talking about premature ejac... Oh, no...
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Welcome to Good Morning Britain.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26I'm Piers Morgan, and I'm sorry.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Next up, Holly and Phillip will be demonstrating
0:28:33 > 0:28:36the ancient art of bukkake...
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Kabuki! Kabuki!
0:28:41 > 0:28:44This week on A Place In The Country -
0:28:44 > 0:28:47you don't get one unless you've got a special skill -
0:28:47 > 0:28:49that is what Brexit means!
0:28:54 > 0:28:57And this week on Location, Location, Location,
0:28:57 > 0:29:02will Kirstie and Phil finally find that garage to bang in?
0:29:04 > 0:29:08There was no cash in that attic, just loads of fibreglass insulation.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:15 > 0:29:18And next on Jeremy Kyle, the childhood sweethearts
0:29:18 > 0:29:21celebrating their 25-year anniversary.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Not really! it's a couple of crackheads with no teeth.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Today on Escape To The Country, we're escaping the law
0:29:30 > 0:29:33and the country in question is Mexico.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Welcome back to Homes Under The Hammer with Dion Dublin.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45The show that makes you go..."Dion Dublin?
0:29:46 > 0:29:48"As in THE Dion Dublin?"
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Well, because they're all the same
0:29:52 > 0:29:54I can't be bothered to announce them all.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58Here's Flog Dickinson's Antique Some Hammer
0:29:58 > 0:30:02Pointless Break Out In The Country.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Fucking finishes at five.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07APPLAUSE
0:30:07 > 0:30:08And at the end of that round,
0:30:08 > 0:30:11the points go to Angela, Hugh and James.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15APPLAUSE
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And that's the end of the show.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20This week's winners are Nish Kumar, Kerry Godliman and Glenn Moore.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:23 > 0:30:28Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.