0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the World News of the World... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the World News of the World. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37I'm Dara O Briain and joining me
0:00:37 > 0:00:41this week are Nish Kumar, Felicity Ward and Ed Gamble,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Miles Jupp, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:52We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I show the panel a topical image
0:00:54 > 0:00:57and ask them to tell me what's happening, so what's going on here?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00That is the leader of the Conservative Party
0:01:00 > 0:01:01pointing at Theresa May.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Is he pointing the way to the dole queue?
0:01:08 > 0:01:12I think probably she has just asked which way it is to Shit Creek.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Is Boris saying, "Look at that totty over there.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17"Not you!"
0:01:19 > 0:01:21She looks like when you get to the till at Nando's
0:01:21 > 0:01:23but then you forget what your friend wanted.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Or is she wearing camouflage
0:01:32 > 0:01:35in case she has to escape through the sewers?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Has he just done that trick where you tap someone on the shoulder
0:01:42 > 0:01:44on the opposite side and then look away?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47And he so would.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49He absolutely so would do that, like.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50AS BORIS: Ohh, flubbalubbalub!
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Is Theresa May saying...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55She's got one of those mum mouths
0:01:55 > 0:01:58and she's doing the, "One more word out of you, Boris...
0:01:59 > 0:02:02"..and I'm going to make you ambassador of Bongo Bongo Land."
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Is he saying,
0:02:05 > 0:02:06"Now, under this one I've got Java
0:02:06 > 0:02:08"and then under my left, there's Africa.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10"I want you to see if you can smell the difference."
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- HUGH:- Very subtle. Subtle scent.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Can anyone actually tell us what exactly it is?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Yes, that is a picture of Theresa May,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- who is the Prime Minister of this country...- Oh, very good.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28..and Boris Johnson, who is the Foreign Secretary of this country,
0:02:28 > 0:02:29sitting in chairs.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:34That's correct. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Yes, this is a recent picture of Prime Minister Theresa May
0:02:39 > 0:02:41and Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson
0:02:41 > 0:02:43ahead of this week's Conservative Party Conference.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46The conference was overshadowed by rumours of leadership challenges
0:02:46 > 0:02:48and rifts in the party.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Did you follow the conference? Were you watching it?- Avidly!- Oh, yeah!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I'm one of the great Tories of our time, Dara, you know me.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Yes, I do know that.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I don't understand why the Tories have their conference in Manchester,
0:02:58 > 0:03:02because that is like Labour holding theirs in Tunbridge Wells.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Or the Liberal Democrats holding it in
0:03:04 > 0:03:06anywhere that has a university.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I mean, she's been... There's sort of a number of people now
0:03:11 > 0:03:14who are sort of vying for her job. The sort of favourites at the minute
0:03:14 > 0:03:17are Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg and David Davis,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19which is essentially the world's most difficult game
0:03:19 > 0:03:20of Shag, Marry, Kill.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I'm just astonished that he is the Foreign Secretary
0:03:25 > 0:03:28and he called Africa a country. I mean, in turn,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I'm sure that Africa called him a similar word, much shorter.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:36It is funny because during the week he said,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"Oh, we stand by every single word she says." And it's like...
0:03:39 > 0:03:43May at this point is like a supply teacher, a replacement teacher,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46and Boris is the boy who starts the humming.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Just constantly, just slightly undermining.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55"Hmmm... Yes, Miss? No, no, no..." HUMMING
0:03:56 > 0:03:59She tried to say she understood what people had been through
0:03:59 > 0:04:01on the electoral campaign, her MPs,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03because she's been on it before and she's, and I quote,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06"had to make lasagne for 100 people before."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08But I think she knows she's leaving
0:04:08 > 0:04:10and that's her application to do Celebrity MasterChef.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I felt sorry for her too. I don't know if you guys are the same,
0:04:14 > 0:04:15but I feel really uncomfortable
0:04:15 > 0:04:19when I see a Tory apologise and take responsibility.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21It just doesn't sit right with me.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24It's like... You know, I don't know, like, when you're an adult
0:04:24 > 0:04:26and your mum's boyfriend buys you a present at Christmas
0:04:26 > 0:04:28for the first time and you just look at it
0:04:28 > 0:04:30and you're like, "Don't do this, man.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"Like, this just makes you look weak."
0:04:33 > 0:04:35She is trying to roll with these things, isn't she?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37She's had lots of people having a go at her this week
0:04:37 > 0:04:40in the run-up to the thing and then she says, "I, you know,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"I don't think strong leaders surround themselves with yes-men."
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Which is a sort of clever response to lots of people...
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Strong leaders surround themselves with people
0:04:46 > 0:04:49who hate what you do and are really angry and want to stop it.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Strong leaders surround themselves with plotters who hate them.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56That's certainly what you've done with this line-up, isn't it, Dara?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Yes. Stop undermining me!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- HUMMING - She's kind of...
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Stop humming, stop humming!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04ALL HUMMING
0:05:06 > 0:05:07APPLAUSE
0:05:07 > 0:05:09REPEATEDLY PRESSING BUZZER
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I can't believe you... I cannot believe you did that.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- You are children!- Say what you will about us, we have a good time.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20There's calls to sack Boris Johnson, but I've always wondered,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22how do you sack a parboiled potato?
0:05:23 > 0:05:24You're right.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27What you do is you actually kind of shake it in the thing and then...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I didn't mean to be racially insensitive there, I'm sorry.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30It was a little bit awkward.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Sorry.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39A little harsh. Welcome to the show, Felicity.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Have you managed to hold on to a Prime Minister
0:05:40 > 0:05:43in Australia for more than a week?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46She's sort of forgotten who she is, which isn't likely to happen to me,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48because I just found this on the desk.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- Is it for me in case I forget who I am during the show?- Yes.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Can we all have a go?- Oh, you've all got them. Oh, that's fantastic.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Could you...?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04All right, have we got to the point where we're just bringing in toys?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06All right, lads, I don't know what has happened here,
0:06:06 > 0:06:07but my one says Tez.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I'm sure we've got a Romesh one somewhere.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22In other news, what changes did Ukip introduce at their party conference,
0:06:22 > 0:06:23which happened this week?
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Black people.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30They're just... They're trialling them, OK?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32They changed their logo, didn't they?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33This is the new one.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37This is the lion they chose, which just has...
0:06:37 > 0:06:41I know it's a lion, but it just has an unfortunate kind of a...
0:06:41 > 0:06:42"Ugh..."
0:06:44 > 0:06:46That's because a Ukip supporter just told it
0:06:46 > 0:06:48it has to go back to Bongo Bongo Land.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Wow.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54That's what Dara used to look like
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- when he had hair. - Are you putting your hair?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Are you putting your hair? Oh, fantastic.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03APPLAUSE
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Thank you.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09It just looks really down about it.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13It looks like it's just got a dart in the arse, doesn't it?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15The darts are starting to take hold.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- I can see... - BORED VOICE: "I'm the logo..."
0:07:21 > 0:07:24"I'm the logo for whom?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29"I'm not even from... I'm actually from Africa!"
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Why is the lion ever associated...? - There's nothing more British than...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Stop putting me next to the Ukip lion!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Ukip having a lion
0:07:39 > 0:07:42is like the Kenyan flag having Paul Chuckle on it.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46What lion is it very similar to?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Well, it's the Premier League, isn't it?
0:07:48 > 0:07:49It's the Premier League lion.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52It's really upset the Premier League, not surprisingly.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54You wonder whether it's deliberate, actually,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56they're hoping that they'll get a massive TV rights deal
0:07:56 > 0:07:58for covering the Ukip conference.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00But if Ukip are in the Premier League,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02what if they get into Europe?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07APPLAUSE
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Moving on, which new group
0:08:10 > 0:08:12are Labour hoping to win the support of?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14The Conservative Party.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Yes, that's all they need,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18if they can just grab them, then they'd have enough seats.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Is it Coldplay?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21No, that's not enough for them.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24It's Coldplay fans, isn't it, cos its people over 47?
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- It is...- Ooh, what's that? Too much for you, Coldplay fans?!
0:08:30 > 0:08:31No, that was fine, Nish.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Yes, the magic age...
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Labour want to attract older people, and old people, apparently,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45the bit where people change from Labour to Conservative
0:08:45 > 0:08:47is now 47, apparently.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Yeah, they want to attract more voters over 47,
0:08:50 > 0:08:51or, as Ukip call them,
0:08:51 > 0:08:52the youth vote.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Jeremy Corbyn spent so long trying to get the youth vote
0:08:57 > 0:08:58by saying that he liked grime
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and now he's got to turn around to the older people and go,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"God, terrible racket, that, isn't it?
0:09:04 > 0:09:05"I remember when Dizzee Rascal
0:09:05 > 0:09:07"was just a scoundrel you spun round a lot."
0:09:08 > 0:09:12And labour wards in hospitals are full of young kids.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18In other news, what does billionaire Elon Musk
0:09:18 > 0:09:20hope to achieve in less than 30 minutes?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23He has said that he's got rockets.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- He thinks we will travel from city to city by rocket...- Yeah.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29..and you can get to New York in 30 minutes,
0:09:29 > 0:09:33and I feel like I first heard that story when I was ten years old,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36and, decades later, we still have RyanAir.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- NISH:- What bit of New York is that? - That's...
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- No, cos the rocket will also go to Mars.- Oh, that's Mars!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- This is why you're the science guy, innit?- No, that's...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49You know the difference between New York and Mars.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51OK, that's the moon. Do you know how I know?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Cos you can see Earth just behind it, right?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- So, that's the moon. - Oh, yeah, here we are!
0:09:56 > 0:10:01- Teach me more about science, Dara. - I shall. Where to begin?
0:10:01 > 0:10:02And...
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Tell us more about it if you can get your lips off Brian Cox's butt.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:16 > 0:10:17And while you're there...
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- ..if you can tell me how I can get my lips- on- his but,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24if you could just...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28The robots, the star... Everything?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Really, everything? Yeah?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32You know what I've got to say to that?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- CONTINUOUS:- Mmm...
0:10:34 > 0:10:37THE OTHERS JOIN IN I have no authority any more.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- I have no power...- Rest of the series - school's out, baby.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44The problem is, Mars is just a rock.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Can you imagine how boring that journey would be?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Just surrounded by wealthy geology nerds,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53like, "Ugh, I know it's sedimentary. Duh!"
0:10:53 > 0:10:55for three hours!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Felicity, he's right there.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Surely they would be like,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02"Why did you come on this trip
0:11:02 > 0:11:06"if your response to geology is, 'Uh!'?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"Are you going to be like this the entire time?"
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Do you go on those...
0:11:09 > 0:11:15you know, a tour around Venice and you go, "Oh, too many canals!
0:11:15 > 0:11:19"Ugh, get me a bike or a Segway or..."
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Short interstellar travel is already a thing,
0:11:22 > 0:11:23cos Space Hoppers.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29You're right, it's essentially scaling that up.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Yeah, yeah. They...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I used to work in a Space Hopper showroom,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36as a bouncer.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:42That's the end of that round. Points go to Ed, Felicity and Nish.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44APPLAUSE
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Now we play a round called
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Put Your Johnson Away, I Don't Want To See It.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53This game involves Milton and Ed,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07And the first topic is music.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Who wants to come out? Ed.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I like heavy metal music.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14CROWD IS SILENT
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Yeah, none of you believe me, that's fine.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I do not look like I like heavy metal music.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I don't have a heavy metal face.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I have what is known as a Coldplay face,
0:12:23 > 0:12:24that's what I've got.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Drink it in - basic bitch, indie white man face. That's me.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Other metalheads don't trust me either.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31I can't go to the gigs,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34cos I look like an undercover Mormon on a conversion mission.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I look like I'm going to start sneaking up behind people
0:12:38 > 0:12:41in the crowd going, "Hey, pretty rocking band, right?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"Yeah, you know who else was rocking?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46"Lord Jesus Christ, our saviour."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:50 > 0:12:55"Yeah. I love the guitarist. Yeah, love the guitarist's look -
0:12:55 > 0:12:56"long hair and a beard.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59"You know who else had long hair and a beard?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"Right again - Lord Jesus Christ, our saviour.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04"What's this you're all doing? Oh, head-banging!
0:13:04 > 0:13:05"Yeah, no, cool. I do head-banging too,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08"but when I do it, it's to get rid of gay thoughts."
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Can't go to the gigs as well,
0:13:12 > 0:13:13cos I don't know how to do the things
0:13:13 > 0:13:15that everyone does in the gigs, I feel out of place.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17At heavy metal gigs, everyone does this.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19That's the sign of the beast, the sign of the devil,
0:13:19 > 0:13:20it shows you're part of the community.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I'd never done that before, I feel too self-conscious,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25but I went to a gig recently, got brave enough to go there,
0:13:25 > 0:13:26suddenly my arm shot up in the air.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I was like, "Oh, my God, I am doing it,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30"I'm actually joining in for the first time."
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I looked up and what my hand was actually doing was this.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36That is not the sign of the beast,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39that is an uncle saying the burgers are ready at a barbecue.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40That's what that is.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Ed Gamble.- Thank you very much.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48That leaves us with Milton.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Let's see what your topic is, let's spin the wheel.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53And the topic is school.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59So, I went up to a fruit stall the other day
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and behind it was my old maths teacher.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04He didn't recognise me, said, "Can I help?" I said, "Yeah,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08"if apples are 75p a pound...?"
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Do you know, he just looked at me and went...
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- "Ugh..." - HE DOES MONKEY IMPRESSION
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I thought, "Oh, no, it was PE, wasn't it?"
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Music teachers, they were rubbish, weren't they?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25They could only count to four
0:14:25 > 0:14:27and then they'd try and distract you with some music.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Our woodwork teacher would always say, "My door is always open."
0:14:34 > 0:14:36We'd say, "Still not fixed yet?"
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I went back to my old school the other day.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42It was weird being back there.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45The smell of varnish, the echo of the science room,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48"Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo..."
0:14:48 > 0:14:49the memory of the fire engines.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Anyway, I was shown into the Phoenix Hall,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56which wasn't there in my day...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:05My old maths teacher said to me, "Jones, how did you do it?"
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I said, "I used that old formula - 'me' x 'I can'."
0:15:08 > 0:15:11He said, "Is that why you're dressed as a Mexican?"
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- That's all me!- Thank you very much.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19And the points go to Ed Gamble.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22APPLAUSE
0:15:22 > 0:15:25CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Our next round is called
0:15:26 > 0:15:29If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31On the board are six categories.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- Felicity, which category would you like?- Transport, please.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37OK, category is transport, your answer is...
0:15:37 > 0:15:38What is the question?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Is it how long does it take to get home on the night bus
0:15:41 > 0:15:43now that Uber's been suspended?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Is it if you did a two-week holiday flying Ryanair,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52how long should you take off work
0:15:52 > 0:15:54just to make sure you get back in time?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Is it at what age will I finally be beach body ready?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Is it how long before tigers are extinct
0:16:03 > 0:16:05if we keep eating all the Frosties?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Is it at what age do you start thinking,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14"Maybe they should go back to where they came from"?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Is it at what point in the Hundred Years War
0:16:19 > 0:16:23did the generals say, "Come on, lads, nearly halfway through!"
0:16:23 > 0:16:25LAUGHTER
0:16:25 > 0:16:27APPLAUSE
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Is it the number of years since 1968?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- It is, isn't it?!- Yes, but... - I've got you there, haven't I, Dara?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I sort of feel you're not getting the spirit of it.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46What's the name of the extended album version
0:16:46 > 0:16:48of Craig David's 7 Days?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Does anyone know the actual correct answer, please?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Yes, when will Brexit happen?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Is it what's the world record for staying under a desk
0:16:58 > 0:17:00that I'm going to break now?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- I think he means it. - Yeah, he does, definitely means it.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14All I want now is for Hugh's face to just go, "Ooh!"
0:17:17 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:28That was a chilling insight to your facial expressions, by the way.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:34In all seriousness, could you come back out again?
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Then I won't get the record, Dara!
0:17:35 > 0:17:39OK, you won't get the record. Suck the pain, right.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- I'll look ridiculous. - There isn't enough paper, Milton, you will struggle.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45For continuity, we really need you to come back out again.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49We just need a Milton whisperer.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52You said if I wore green, we'd celebrate St Patrick's Day.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56And everyone would dress the same.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Milton, get out from under the goddamned desk.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:07This is 10 minutes of the Christmas special.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Dara wears gold shoes, everyone!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Is the answer, "How long are we going to be here?"
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Oh, my lord.- Do you want the actual answer?- Yeah, go on. Why don't you?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30How long have Monarch been an airline?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Indeed it is, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35APPLAUSE
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Yes, the question I was looking for was, "How many years have
0:18:38 > 0:18:42"Monarch Airlines operated for before it went into administration this week?"
0:18:42 > 0:18:44The airline, the UK's fifth biggest and the country's largest ever
0:18:44 > 0:18:48to collapse, ceased trading, with over 100,000 customers
0:18:48 > 0:18:49needing to be brought back home
0:18:49 > 0:18:52in the UK's largest peacetime repatriation.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Yes, Monarch has gone. After 49 years.- Yeah.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58And apparently, one of the many excuses given for losing money
0:18:58 > 0:19:00is they'd really invested a lot in bunting with
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"Happy 50th Anniversary, Monarch".
0:19:03 > 0:19:05That is really...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:19:07 > 0:19:10It's terrible, there are people who are really upset with
0:19:10 > 0:19:12the royal family, because they woke up to the headline,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14"Monarch goes into administration".
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Well, no, Prince Charles actually saw the headline,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20"Monarch collapses," and got really excited.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23It is, yes, it has, and 100,000 people are left stranded.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I feel sorry for all those who thought that their holidays
0:19:26 > 0:19:27were ATOL protected.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30It turns out, you're not protected...
0:19:30 > 0:19:31- TOGETHER:- At all!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Oh, yeah, I see you are very quick to give yourselves
0:19:39 > 0:19:41a round of applause!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44"Yeah, we absolutely nailed that one."
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"It's all in the delivery."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50What's really odd about this repatriation day is they're
0:19:50 > 0:19:53saying it's incredibly difficult logistically and they're
0:19:53 > 0:19:56thinking of hiring planes from Qatar Airways and all that kind of stuff.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- Yes.- And you're thinking, well, why not use the MONARCH planes...
0:20:00 > 0:20:03They were already scheduled to go. The planes haven't...
0:20:03 > 0:20:05They haven't... They didn't go,
0:20:05 > 0:20:09"We're in administration. Smash up the planes!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11"Wait! We could probably use them."
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"No. No. There should be no record of these planes.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19In other flying news, what did easyJet announce recently?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Electric... Electric...- Electric planes. Yes, electric planes.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Electric planes are a dreadful...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27If you think about how noisy an electric hand-dryer is.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29A Dyson, how much noise it makes.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You half dry your hands and you've got to shoogle them.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33How deafening.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35An electric plane? I'm sorry, I'm out.
0:20:37 > 0:20:43Is this Dragons' Den? Jupp's the secret fourth Dragon.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45They told me it was one of the Dara... Have you done that? Presumably...
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Presumably electric planes are possible now, aren't they?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53But it's just the extension leads that get in the way.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- So it's going to be... They're going to be like batteries, aren't they?- Yes.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59They are going to be battery-powered planes.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00They can't be plugged...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03How are they going to get a return journey?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Because someone will leave the plane charger in their hotel room.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Just had the announcement, "Attention, easyJet passengers.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10"Does anyone have a charger for a Boeing 747?"
0:21:12 > 0:21:17I have the old charger for Boeing. The wide one.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Is that the wide one you want? - No. That's the A380.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- I thought they were all the same. - You couldn't use iPhone batteries.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28Going, "We've got 12% left. Is this going to get us to Madrid? Turn the lights down.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29"Turn the lights down."
0:21:29 > 0:21:32"Put it on airplane mode." "It already is!"
0:21:32 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:36"It's always on airplane mode!"
0:21:38 > 0:21:41We really need electric planes, don't we?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Because planes are massive sort of polluters.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45And it blows my mind that we haven't all got electric cars
0:21:45 > 0:21:48as standard because it does feel a bit like, well,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50one of them is killing people and the other one isn't.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52If you went to a cake shop and they were like,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55"This cake has poison in it and this one has not poison,"
0:21:55 > 0:21:58You'd go, "I'm gonna go with the not poisoned one."
0:21:58 > 0:22:01But does the poison one have chocolate?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I don't know, but Chocolate Poison was my wrestling name.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:12 > 0:22:16All the way from the East... Chocolate Poison!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I never want to see you in a unitard.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Very hairy!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Unitard was actually - my- wrestling name.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:22:32 > 0:22:34My wrestling name is Hugh.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE At the end of the round,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42the points go to Miles, Hugh and Milton!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I'll read out this week's topics
0:22:53 > 0:22:55and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57OK, here we go, the first subject is...
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Would all virgins please report to the Virgin check-in desk?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09BUZZER
0:23:10 > 0:23:12If you have any excess baggage,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14please report it to a train guard.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17If you have any emotional baggage, just report to Tina,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19she's a really good listener.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22BUZZER
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Welcome to Homebase. We particularly welcome our staff
0:23:26 > 0:23:29from Guantanamo Bay.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31We hope you'll feel at home dressed in orange
0:23:31 > 0:23:34and being asked questions you don't know the answers to.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37BUZZER, APPLAUSE
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Ryanair are pleased to announce that the refund on all cancelled
0:23:42 > 0:23:46flights can be picked up from the Monarch check-in desk.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48BUZZER, APPLAUSE
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- HE RAPS:- # My name is Tannoy Dave and I'm here to say
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# I'm really bored at work, have yourself a great day! #
0:23:56 > 0:23:58BUZZER
0:23:58 > 0:24:01And to the parents of the lost little boy, Timothy,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04we have found him, so now's your chance to make your escape,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06he really is a little shit, isn't he?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09BUZZER
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Welcome, everyone, to Weight Watchers.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13It really doesn't matter
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- how many pastries... - past tries- you've had...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21BUZZER
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Would someone with a camera please come to the Tannoy room?
0:24:25 > 0:24:30I have sat on the microphone and I am literally talking out of my arse.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32BUZZER, APPLAUSE
0:24:35 > 0:24:37If you look out the left window of the train, you'll see the sea.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40And if you look out the right window, you'll see the sea.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Oh, God, we're in the sea!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45BUZZER
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Bing-bong!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Could the person who's stolen the bing-bong machine
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- please bring it back? - BUZZER
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Attention, shoppers, we have a young man who says he's lost.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03I mean, he's 45, he just needs some career advice.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05BUZZER
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Would the man in the red Speedos doing the front crawl
0:25:08 > 0:25:11up lane four please stop?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13This is a bowling alley.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16BUZZER
0:25:18 > 0:25:20I don't wish to upset or worry anybody,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23but do we have a doctor on board?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Or, failing that, a pilot?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29BUZZER
0:25:31 > 0:25:33This is the captain of this ship speaking.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Last night, we were attacked by a giant, blind space monster.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38I fired a laser at it,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41but unfortunately, it's cured its eyesight.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45BUZZER
0:25:45 > 0:25:50Would the owner of a Land Rover please realise you live in a city,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53have no need for an off-road vehicle and everyone hates you?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56BUZZER, APPLAUSE
0:25:58 > 0:26:01We have illuminated the seat belt sign, which means
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Seat Belt Man will be here very soon!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09BUZZER
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Southern Rail would like to apologise for the...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Fuck me, there's one coming!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18BUZZER
0:26:19 > 0:26:21The next topic is...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27No, Mr Bond, I don't expect you to talk, I expect you to die -
0:26:27 > 0:26:29of the many STDs you've contracted.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Jesus, man, pop a johnnie on!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33BUZZER
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Thesaurus - the movie...
0:26:37 > 0:26:42The film... The flick... The motion picture...
0:26:42 > 0:26:43BUZZER
0:26:45 > 0:26:48That's Mad Max, those are his brothers,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Sad Max, Bad Max and Glad Max.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53And this is the fellow who started it all,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Dad Max!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58BUZZER
0:26:58 > 0:27:01You might well be a Blade Runner, Ryan,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03but in this house, we do not run with scissors.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07BUZZER
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Not only do I transform from a truck into a robot,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I also do next-day delivery.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16My name is Optimus Prime!
0:27:18 > 0:27:19BUZZER
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Are you trying to seduce me?
0:27:25 > 0:27:26I just work here, man,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29do you want the free Coke with the meal deal or not?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32BUZZER
0:27:32 > 0:27:35You want to return the Jedi?
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Of course! Credit note give you, I will.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43BUZZER
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Whoever you are, I will find you and I will...
0:27:46 > 0:27:49I'm so sorry, I think I've got the wrong number.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52BUZZER
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Frozen - the tragic tale of
0:27:56 > 0:27:58pensioners confused by gas tariffs.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03BUZZER, APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:08The name's Bond, er...Tony Bond, James's brother.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Don't have a licence to kill, but I've got one to drive a forklift,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14but apparently that doesn't count for anything, does it, Mum?!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18BUZZER
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Doctor Strange, you say?
0:28:20 > 0:28:23How strange, on a scale of Seuss to Shipman?
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Imagine a world where monkeys have given up tobacco...
0:28:35 > 0:28:37LAUGHTER
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Planet of the Vapes.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44BUZZER, APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:49So, Bond, this is your cover, working in this optician's.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52It's called, For Four Eyes Only.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55BUZZER
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Good God! The dead have ris...
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Oh, no, it's the Tory Party Conference. Sorry.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03BUZZER
0:29:03 > 0:29:05This is Spider-Man: Homecoming -
0:29:05 > 0:29:08and like most teenage boys, Spider-Man's at home, coming.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12BUZZER
0:29:12 > 0:29:16- DEEP VOICE:- Go ahead, make my voice higher.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20- HIGH-PITCHED:- Oh! Like an Oompa Loompa. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
0:29:20 > 0:29:22BUZZER
0:29:23 > 0:29:25My mama always said to me, life is like a box of chocolates -
0:29:25 > 0:29:29something that you panic buy at a service station on the way to visit relatives.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37Come on, guvnor, don't give me an 'ard time, I'm the Cockney Avenger!
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Any old Iron Man!
0:29:41 > 0:29:43BUZZER, APPLAUSE
0:29:46 > 0:29:50- HIGH VOICE:- I am Loki! The Mischief God of Norse!
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Why is no-one else dressed up?
0:29:55 > 0:29:58Oh, you said, "dress low key"...
0:30:01 > 0:30:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:05 > 0:30:08OK, and the points go to Ed, Felicity and Nish!
0:30:08 > 0:30:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:13 > 0:30:16And that's the end of this show. This week's winners are
0:30:16 > 0:30:20Nish Kumar, Felicity Ward and Ed Gamble!
0:30:20 > 0:30:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Commiserations to Miles Jupp, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones!
0:30:25 > 0:30:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.
0:30:35 > 0:30:40MUSIC: News of the World by The Jam