0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:19# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Dara O Briain, and if I'm standing here,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39it means you're watching the post-nuclear apocalypse edition
0:00:39 > 0:00:41of Mock The Week.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Please remain on this frequency, and do not exit your safety zone.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Watch instead this specially-prepared show
0:00:46 > 0:00:48featuring unseen material, outtakes,
0:00:48 > 0:00:50and some of our favourite bits from happier times.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Stay calm, do not panic.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55That was really too serious!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I can't believe I'm on a butt-booster seat again.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02I thought that was just me.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I thought they thought I had some sort of problem.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Hang on. Have you just given one to the women and the minorities?!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Yes.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Women, minorities...and children!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Your category is World News, and the answer is 6.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21What is the question?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Is it, what do men in New Zealand think about every ten seconds?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Is it, what was the number of the sixth person to own a telephone?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Is it, how many calories were in the winning dish
0:01:38 > 0:01:40on North Korean MasterChef?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Is it the number of times my father has referred to this show
0:01:46 > 0:01:48as "Mock Of The Week Today"?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Man, I'm telling you, it is literally written behind me.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Yeah, I know!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56And people go, "Oh, yeah, I know you, you're on Mock Of The Week."
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Really? Really?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Read it. Read it, asshole! Read it from behind my face.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Is it that your head looks like an O?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- APPLAUSE - Like "Mock O' The Week"?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- Two things.- So are you saying...? - Two things about that.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Firstly, the "Dara has a large head" thing again, right?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Did I say large? I was referring to the baldness.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20OK. Aw...
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- But also that it would be "Mock- O'- The Week".
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Well, it would be.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26You of all people - et tu, Paddy?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Is it, how many seconds would a giraffe last
0:02:31 > 0:02:32in a World War I trench?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:41 > 0:02:46Is it, simply, at what age does life start to go downhill?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53APPLAUSE
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Could somebody actually give me the correct answer?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I think this is a reference to North Korea,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00cos this is the sixth nuclear test that they've done.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Nish Kumar.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Yes, the question...
0:03:07 > 0:03:08It's not necessarily a missile, though.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- It's not really a missile.- Shut it, Ed.- This test wasn't a missile.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Shut up, Ed.- This test was an underground detonation
0:03:14 > 0:03:16of a nuclear warhead. It wasn't on a missile.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18It wasn't, but it may yet...
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Anyway, Ed...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22..noted. Now shut up.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24APPLAUSE
0:03:26 > 0:03:28The way things are going, this could be the first-ever episode
0:03:28 > 0:03:31of Mock The Week not to make it to Dave!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I would also like to commend Ed Gamble
0:03:36 > 0:03:39on his commitment to satire this week.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43As he appears to have had his hair cut exactly like Kim Jong-un.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Well, I didn't want to... Thank you.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Do you have a...? - I don't want to jinx it,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58but I've got a rather important audition later.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02The rules of the looky-likey on the show
0:04:02 > 0:04:04is you've really got to do the whole pose.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Have you got the picture?- What do you mean "the whole pose", Dara?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Other hand, other hand!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Other hand!
0:04:18 > 0:04:19There we go.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Bravo! Thank you very much.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27In other news, why did Labour's plans for student debt
0:04:27 > 0:04:29come under scrutiny this week?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Cos they were worked out by Diane Abbott?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35GROANING
0:04:37 > 0:04:39How much would it take to clear all student...
0:04:39 > 0:04:40100 billion?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42You could buy 100 DUP for that!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Oh, yes! So much money!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51It's 100 billion, but they don't have to start paying it off
0:04:51 > 0:04:52till they earn over £21,000 a year, so...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55And even then, it's only nine grand a year.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I mean, like, that would take them...
0:04:57 > 0:04:58HE PUFFS
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- I don't know.- Just get a Wonga loan - I did that.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03And I'm fine for another four hours.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09The guy who drafted the bill was the one who had, sort of,
0:05:09 > 0:05:10come up and criticised it, didn't he?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Or the guy that was part of making that...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Lord Adonis, who set up...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Lord Adonis? Is that an ironic name?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18He can't possibly live up to that.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I have never seen a picture of Lord Adonis,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I never wish to see a picture of Lord Adonis.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Because I want to imagine he is just oiled and glistening.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29"Student loans? Sure, I'll talk to you about student loans.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32"But surely you'd like some tickets for the gun show?
0:05:32 > 0:05:33"Mwah! Mwah!"
0:05:33 > 0:05:36He's a balding man in his 40s.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- It's a great look.- Yeah.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40We think that's a good thing.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Interesting company to shoot that one out!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Yes, let's mock that fool.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Did the report also reveal...?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Sorry, are we going back to the topic?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52We can, yeah. Lovely of you to check.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Well, you know, I'm very new here. I'm very new.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Am I doing OK?- You're doing fine. It's very good. Very polite.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I like to check in. Well, I'm nothing if not polite.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03And also semiformal dress wear, it's really... It's actually...
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Yeah, it's really quite disappointing
0:06:04 > 0:06:06when you look at the rest of you.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10APPLAUSE
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I went hospital abroad recently.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- You were in a hospital abroad?- Yeah.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Oh, really?- I was there anyway, I was in America,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and I shat myself in a steakhouse.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24And then the next morning, I woke up, I couldn't hear out of one ear.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Actually, do you know what?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28The first part of that story is unrelated.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Still, it's good for context.- Yeah.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I couldn't hear out of one ear, I went in the hospital, they said,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"You've got too much wax in your ears."
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And they were, like, flushing my ears out, for hours.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I was there in the foetal position
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and they were all just, like, walking around me.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50And all the water just gushes out of your ears.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54And they told me I had to wear a gown, "You've got to wear a gown."
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I was like, "My ears are on my face."
0:06:58 > 0:07:01They were like, "Just trust us." So I took my top off, I wore a gown,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04but I kept my cords on. Cos I've got to stay on-brand.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Absolutely soaked my butt, all the water,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12and so it looked like I'd had a repeat of the night before.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13I don't know if you've...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I don't know if you've ever shat yourself,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18but the shame doesn't leave your eyes for about 48 hours.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20So I'm walking out, and I look, like, in there...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I look physically like I've done it again,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24but my eyes are like, "I did it."
0:07:26 > 0:07:28So I reckon health care's better over here.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34That was... That's the moral of that story?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37OK.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39APPLAUSE
0:07:39 > 0:07:42What has she done about next year's Queen's Speech?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- She's cancelled it!- Cancelled it. - And the Queen is furious,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46cos she's on a zero-hours contract.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50She should riff the Queen's Speech,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52like, if she's angry it's been cancelled this year,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55she should just throw in loads of stuff that she wants.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Suddenly at the end, she goes,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58"Oh, and free Nando's for all queens."
0:08:01 > 0:08:04APPLAUSE
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Or just stuff that the Government definitely can't do,
0:08:07 > 0:08:08to screw them over.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Like, just start going, "Oh, also, Freddos will be 10p again,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"and you can download orgasms."
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Isn't that one of the things that they're trying to put in?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19What, Freddos being 10p again?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Well, yeah.- I don't get the... What is the...?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Why, I'm sorry, there is a generational thing with the Freddo.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Let it go with the Freddo.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27What do you mean? What's your problem with the Freddo?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31As a representative of young people, let me rap wit' ya, Dara.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I'm just saying, everybody's obsessed with the cost of Freddo.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Just because you come from a time where you could buy a HOUSE for 10p!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- What IS a Freddo? - It's a small bar...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47THEY LAUGH
0:08:47 > 0:08:48I don't know what a Freddo is!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51It's like a chocolate bar with soft caramel inside it.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Kerry, it's basically their generation's finger of Fudge.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56- Oh, right.- I do beg your pardon?!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- You know, finger of Fudge, right? - Yeah.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I genuinely, for years, thought they had pepper in, to the extent...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- Yes! Yes!- ..to the extent that when I ate them,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I imagined I could taste pepper because the song always went,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"They're full of peppery goodness, and very small and neat."
0:09:11 > 0:09:13And I misheard the word "Cadbury" as "pepper",
0:09:13 > 0:09:15and convinced myself they tasted of pepper.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- I never went that far... - It's not just me, is it?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20..but I did go, "That's false advertising,
0:09:20 > 0:09:21"cos this just tastes of yummy fudge,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23"and there's no peppery goodness in it -
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"and what is peppery goodness, anyway?" Yeah!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- And obviously just you and me on that.- Yeah, I know.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32It's like watching a conversation in a retirement village.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37APPLAUSE
0:09:37 > 0:09:40In other news, what creatures have been invading people's homes?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Well, spiders, but I don't know how topical...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44It's just this time every year.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Well, that makes it bang on topical. - Yeah.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49It's as topical now as it was a year ago.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Yes. And do you know what?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Next year, it'll be topical again. And we'll do it again.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55This is how I feel every time we talk about Wimbledon.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57We did spiders this time last year.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Yeah, but we did the ones who were outside last year.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01These are the ones that crawl into the house now.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- They crawl into your house to have sex, don't they?- Yeah, they do.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05With the other spiders?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07With other spiders, yeah. Not you.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10I was starting to worry.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12They're on Tinder, Ed. They're on Tinder...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14They've got eight Tinders open...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I don't even know which one is the good one.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22How boring must Tinder be for spiders?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Hobbies - spinning webs.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Spinning webs.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27She's got long legs!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Looks like someone... - You need to be a leg man, though.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32If you're a spider in that situation, could very much be...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I wish I had the guts to sneak into other people's houses
0:10:35 > 0:10:36every time I wanted to have sex -
0:10:36 > 0:10:38it'd save me a fortune on laundry.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Don't get confused, though -
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow with.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Next thing I knew, I wasn't allowed near Winnie Mandela.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53UNCERTAIN APPLAUSE
0:10:53 > 0:10:57APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I'm not giving you the points for that!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06In other news, what can now be taken in larger quantities
0:11:06 > 0:11:08on some flights from Italy?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Cocaine.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10No.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Uh-oh.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13- It's pesto.- Ah.- It is pesto, yeah.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- How much can you bring on, do you know?- I believe...
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- 500ml, isn't it?- 500g.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18- 500g, yeah.- Yeah.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Or two jars of 250.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22If you measure it in grams, then it isn't a liquid.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Sorry, I wasn't doing the maths there - that's the actual rule.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29I wasn't going, "Oh, by the way, you can divide 500 by two."
0:11:29 > 0:11:32So this is, it's normally 100ml, isn't it, that you can take through?
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Why have they done that then?
0:11:33 > 0:11:37They've done that because they sell pesto.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39It has to be proper Genoese pesto, though.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41This is just through one airport, it's not the whole of Italy?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Yeah, it's just through the airport
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- in the pesto-producing area of Italy.- Genoa.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47It's to encourage...
0:11:47 > 0:11:52Presumably, it's because every tourist comes through Genoa Airport
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and goes, "Ugh, I bought some pesto!"
0:11:54 > 0:11:56And they just go, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
0:11:56 > 0:11:59And you're left there with a choice of, "Well, screw you.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01"Mmm! Bleurgh! Mmm!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03"Mmm! Argh! Argh!"
0:12:03 > 0:12:06"Darling, darling, go and get me some penne."
0:12:07 > 0:12:08"It's going to be dry!"
0:12:08 > 0:12:10"I don't care if it's just dry."
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Crunch-crunch-crunch.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15You can't just allow it because loads of it's coming through.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17THEY have decided that they're allowing it, yeah.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Just going, "Oh, we're getting so much cocaine
0:12:19 > 0:12:21"coming through this airport, let's just allow it."
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Do you know what I mean?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26"Oh, I am over this cocaine thing. Just go, go!"
0:12:26 > 0:12:28All these people standing at the gate, just being like,
0:12:28 > 0:12:29"Argh! Argh!"
0:12:29 > 0:12:32RAPID SNORTING "Argh! Eurgh"
0:12:32 > 0:12:35"I'm on a mad cocaine and pesto..." HE SNIFFS
0:12:35 > 0:12:38"Wait, wait, give me some pesto and give me the cocaine,
0:12:38 > 0:12:39"and just mash in my face."
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"Darling, give me some penne!"
0:12:43 > 0:12:47APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- AS CHARLES:- You...you want me to try some of this, do you?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- AS BUTCHER:- Yes, your Highness, it's locally butchered goat.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Oh, well. Is it?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Eurgh.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I'll have a little bit of that.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I see that one over there doesn't seem to have
0:13:12 > 0:13:15any hairs coming out of it. So I'll just...
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Quick sniff, pop it in -
0:13:17 > 0:13:19as we used to say at boarding school.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- DEEP, GRAVELLY VOICE:- Can I have some, please, Charles?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Yes, of course you can, my darling. She can't resist a little sausage.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29You see what I'm saying? You get it, don't you?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You see, you know what I'm saying!
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Can't resist a little sausage.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Yes, watch these two, cos they're terrible. Yes.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Anyway, that was absolutely disgusting.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Ah, this is better.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Yes, I'll have a pint of the Glenmorangie, please.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50And some porky scratchings. And a tray of Jagerbombs.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54If I'm honest, I'm in the mood for a bit of a sesh.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58So I'll just slip that down, and then we'll go, we...
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Shall we go into the beer garden? Yes.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Camilla, could you bring the crisps? That would be very good.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- SLURRING:- I am absolutely HAMMERED.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I had far too much in the beer garden,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I had about nine thingies of beer.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I don't want water. I do not want...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Oh! Oh, that's not water.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25I don't really need... I like the taste, and it numbs the pain...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28..of-of not being King.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32How are you getting on, Camilla? Have you...?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I've had 20 now...
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Oh, that's lovely. I'll take a crate, please.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Thank you.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- HEAVILY SLURRING:- How-how many jars are there there?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I'm absolutely wankered.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Have you got any cheese?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I need the cheese to soak up the alcohol.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I'll just finish this one.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Oh, that's...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I love you.
0:15:01 > 0:15:08I think I must have had about 20... 25 now.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Wha-wha-wha-what is this?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13What is...what is that called?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15What is...what is it?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18It's...beer. That's what it is.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I love beer.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22We were only going to have the one.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Oh, my God.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Daylight.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Oh, I-I-I need to find my car.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Oh, it's over here, isn't it?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Officer, I seem to have lost my car.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Well done, Hugh.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- This, by the way... - Photo of the year!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Definitely photo of the year, if not of all time.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51This... I just adore this.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54This is just a random 11-year-old who wrote in saying,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57"I'd love to mow the White House lawn."
0:15:57 > 0:16:01And, as part of it, got Trump just shouting at him...
0:16:01 > 0:16:02"Tighten up those borders!"
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Yeah.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06APPLAUSE
0:16:09 > 0:16:12He's shouting, "And when you've done with that,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14"I've got a wall that needs building, too!"
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I'm not surprised he's cross, though -
0:16:16 > 0:16:17the kid has mowed off his feet.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23APPLAUSE
0:16:23 > 0:16:25"Barron, why are you mowing the lawn?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27"We have people to do that. Honey, why is Barron...?"
0:16:27 > 0:16:29"That's not our son!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31"Our son's at school in Maryland right now."
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"Why is he mowing the lawn?"
0:16:33 > 0:16:36He's probably going, "You are my last option -
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"do you want to be White House Press Secretary?"
0:16:39 > 0:16:42APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Have you seen the finished job that the kid did?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I am not impressed with the job so far.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50It makes sense, if you see it as an aerial shot, he mowed in,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"I voted for Hillary."
0:16:52 > 0:16:54APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Moving on. What's been troublesome for fishermen in Alaska?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02They found that killer whales have sort of formed gangs,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05and are now stealing the fish that they're trying to harvest.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I'm scared of fish.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- All fish?- All fish. - Any fish?- I can't...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I once got dumped by a bloke because of my fish phobia.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Right, this is a bloke who was 33 and played Dungeons & Dragons,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17and HE dumped me, right?
0:17:17 > 0:17:18- SCATTERED LAUGHTER - Yeah, exactly.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Listen, get over it. I told you, I met someone else.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26He said it was cos he'd always imagined living in a house
0:17:26 > 0:17:28where one entire wall was an aquarium. Right?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30And I said, "Yeah, well, I've always imagined a sex life
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"where I don't have to dress up as Frodo."
0:17:35 > 0:17:36I once went to my dentist, right,
0:17:36 > 0:17:41and they'd installed a fish tank in the surgery,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44to calm people down. And I freaked out,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47so he ended up having to do my checkup in the waiting room.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I-I've got a worse dentist story than that.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I was at the dentist, right, I was having a root canal.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I had my head right back, I've got a slight phobia of dentists, right,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58so I had my head right back, he's drilling away, or whatever,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00and suddenly just goes, "Oh, shit, shit, shit!"
0:18:00 > 0:18:04And then, like, jumped back, and I thought, "I've got to look up."
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I sat up and there was a pigeon...
0:18:08 > 0:18:09In your mouth?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11No.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12On his instrument tray.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13A pigeon...
0:18:15 > 0:18:17..had flown into the room.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Wait. Were you just watching Finding Nemo?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I swear, and then he said to me,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25"I've got a phobia of pigeons, can you deal with it?"
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I said, "Mate, no, I can't."
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"I've got a phobia of dentists - I can barely deal with you!"
0:18:29 > 0:18:30So you're there, going...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32"Go 'way, pitheon! Go 'way!"
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I was going, "Thith ith outhrageouth!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"Thith ith abtholutely disthguthting
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"that we've got a pitheon in here, man. I'm theriouth!
0:18:40 > 0:18:41"I'm theriouth!
0:18:41 > 0:18:46"I want a bathic lethel of proththinolithm from a dentitht."
0:18:46 > 0:18:48By the way, can anyone answer the question,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50so we can actually put this in the show?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Technically, they're saying the killer whales are stealing our fish,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55it's like, "No, you're stealing THEIR fish."
0:18:55 > 0:18:58It's like you've gone into their house and nicked all their shit
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- from their freezer...- On the killer whale version of Mock The Week,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02this story is presented very differently.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05HE IMPERSONATES WHALE SONG
0:19:05 > 0:19:10"Yes, that was funny when Romesh went to the dentist."
0:19:10 > 0:19:12DISTRESSED WHALE SONG
0:19:12 > 0:19:14"Ooh, that pitheon!"
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Do you know what? I know you're doing orca,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20but I still find it offensive.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21APPLAUSE
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Anyway, meanwhile, what are the Government cracking down on,
0:19:27 > 0:19:28genuinely cracking down on, this week?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30People claiming insurance claims
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- for getting food poisoning while on holiday.- Yes.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Because it's time for that to stop.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Who was aware that we needed to draw a line in the sand on that one?
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Who woke up this morning and went,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44"Too many people are claiming falsely that they got sick
0:19:44 > 0:19:45"when they were on holiday"?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Apparently, it's rife, this claiming back for illness on holiday.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51The reaction is 50% of people going, "That's terrible.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54"Because that surely goes back onto our insurance costs,"
0:19:54 > 0:19:56and 50% of people going, "You can do that?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"I wasn't aware you could do that. I had a bit of a...
0:20:01 > 0:20:04"Remember, Brenda, that dicky tummy round about day three?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07"That would be worth a few quid, wouldn't it?"
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Is it all people doing it just for insurance,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11or is it just that classic British holiday-maker thing
0:20:11 > 0:20:14of drinking 15 pints, and then blaming the fact
0:20:14 > 0:20:17that you're puking your ring on the prawn cocktail you had?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Did you just say "puking your ring"?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- Puking your ring, yeah. - It's that Irish colloquialism.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Irish phrase.- Never heard that - puking your ring?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- What does it mean? Is it something to do...?- When you puke so hard,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29your own arsehole comes up and out of your mouth.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Is the idea.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33APPLAUSE
0:20:36 > 0:20:38It's a rich culture, the Irish.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Far too rich if you're puking like that.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43We are a witty and loquacious people.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47You should hear my father simply describe every fart he lets.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49He's just...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- HE GRUNTS - "You could knit that one."
0:20:51 > 0:20:52You know, that kind of thing.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57HE GRUNTS
0:20:57 > 0:20:59"You won't get that out in a cold wash!"
0:20:59 > 0:21:01See, it's a rich...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Oh, it's like Ulysses, isn't it, really?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06It was amazing when the Irish tourist board used that...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10..for one of their things.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14"It's not just the music and the mountains people come for..."
0:21:14 > 0:21:15HE IMPERSONATES A TUNEFUL FART
0:21:15 > 0:21:17"..it's big Ed's bumhole."
0:21:17 > 0:21:19"There's eating and drinking in that one."
0:21:19 > 0:21:20HE GRUNTS
0:21:20 > 0:21:22"That one came out with its boots on."
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"Where a fart isn't just a fart.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28"Ireland."
0:21:31 > 0:21:33In other news, what's going on here?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36That is, er... That's the new design for Freddo bars.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Is the middle one saying,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"Miss Piggy, I didn't expect you home so early"?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Weirdly, I'd love to give you a lovely answer to this -
0:21:49 > 0:21:51"it's just some frogs" is the actual answer.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I think I've got it. Have the top two broken down,
0:21:56 > 0:21:57and they're being TOAD home?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59GROANING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Are they frogs or toads?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Every piece of information I have here says frogs.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07You know, and I suppose they could have checked it,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09but who gives a flying fuck?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Yes, this is a picture of Donald Trump and his wife, Melania,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15at the White House this week.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Melania has finally joined her husband at the White House
0:22:17 > 0:22:20after spending the first five months of his pregnancy...
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Pregnancy?
0:22:23 > 0:22:24- Oh...- Now there's a story.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I wondered why his moods were so erratic!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Oh, I'm just going to say pregnancy again,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I literally cannot see presidency in that now.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35APPLAUSE
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Yes, this is a picture of Donald Trump,
0:22:37 > 0:22:38and isn't he glowing?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Your secret's safe with us, Donald. Sorry, OK, we'll do it again.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49APPLAUSE
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Yes, this is a picture of folic acid-guzzling Donald Trump,
0:22:54 > 0:22:58as he enters his third trimester of an unexpected pregnancy
0:22:58 > 0:23:00in a 70-year-old man.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Some back pain, some nausea, but mainly sitting on that round...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06"Oh, God, please, somebody get me some cake."
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- OK, we need it again. We need it again.- Sorry.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Obviously, cos Nish did it like a prick. That's why.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16OK.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Please, somebody deport him!
0:23:19 > 0:23:20For Christ's sake!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Wow.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26OK, I will properly do it this time.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28APPLAUSE
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Yes, this is a picture of Donald Trump and his wife, Melania,
0:23:31 > 0:23:32at the White House last week.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Melania has finally joined her husband at the White House
0:23:35 > 0:23:38after spending the first five months of his presidency...
0:23:38 > 0:23:39THEY ALL LAUGH
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Come on!
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Come on! It's funnier that he's pregnant.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I'm talking to you, and I just looked at Milton and laughed,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51so I said, "Milton." But, no-one ever talks to Milton.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I don't know what I'm doing.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- It's one of the side-effects. - No-one ever does talk to Milton.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59That's made me sad now, thinking about that.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Every week, he's here all the time.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Shush-shush!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Sorry, sorry, we're having a conversation here, Milton.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Yes, it's a picture of Donald Trump and his wife, Melania,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15at the White House... LAUGHTER
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Now we've come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21so everyone can make their way...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- ED, SHOUTING:- Come on! You heard the man, and you know the drill!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26APPLAUSE
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Absolutely badasses!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Yes, this is a picture of Donald Trump and his wife, Melania,
0:24:36 > 0:24:37at the White House this week.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Melania has finally joined her husband in...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:42 > 0:24:44He's definitely pregnant.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45That's all I can see!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Russian culture though, is very catchy.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53But, hey, hey, hey, hey....
0:24:53 > 0:24:55AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
0:25:08 > 0:25:10OK. No-one comes out of that well.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15And the next topic is...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Please sir, can I have some more?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23318 seats isn't enough for a majority.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26BUZZER
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Frozen, the story of 89-year-old Elsa,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33who had her winter fuel allowance cut.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37BUZZER
0:25:40 > 0:25:44The young boy is trapped on board the airborne balloon house
0:25:44 > 0:25:45with an old man,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48who the tabloids have dubbed the Sky Paedo.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51BUZZER
0:25:54 > 0:25:57There's no way around it, Captain Sparrow,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59they spelt it wrong on the poster.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02So give me a curl, a crunch and a leg raise -
0:26:02 > 0:26:05this is Pilates Of The Caribbean.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08APPLAUSE
0:26:08 > 0:26:09BUZZER
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Hi, I'm Joy, this is Sadness, and Anger...
0:26:14 > 0:26:16and Deep-Rooted Racism.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19BUZZER
0:26:19 > 0:26:22APPLAUSE
0:26:22 > 0:26:25No, Mum! Don't come in! I thought you were out for the day.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I was just looking at it for science.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Home Alone: The Teenage Years.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31BUZZER
0:26:31 > 0:26:33APPLAUSE
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Wow, you sure look sleepy after eating all that chocolate, Scooby.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Scooby?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:43BUZZER
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Hello, is that the drugs squad?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Apparently, there's Charlie at the chocolate factory.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53BUZZER
0:26:55 > 0:26:58It's a story about a super villain Prime Minister
0:26:58 > 0:27:01who managed to shrink her own majority -
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Despicable May.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05APPLAUSE
0:27:05 > 0:27:07BUZZER
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- FRENCH ACCENT:- Because of ze curse,
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I have been turned into a candlestick.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Him into a clock, and if you look in that drawer, you will find Michael,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17who has been turned into a MASSIVE dildo.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22BUZZER
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Missile locked on target, sir.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Unidentified aircraft destroyed, sir.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Oh, bollocks, it was Mary Poppins.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34BUZZER
0:27:34 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Oh, no, the circle of life applies to life in general.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44Your own personal life is more like a straight line which ends abruptly.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45BUZZER
0:27:49 > 0:27:51We've made some key upgrades to Wall-E.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Basically, he can suck you off now.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58OK, the next topic is...
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- HIGH, FLOATY VOICE:- Welcome to the bakery.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- It does seem unlikely. It would be unlikely.- Yeah.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32I have one.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Oh, sorry - "Do I have a cockatoo?"
0:28:36 > 0:28:37BUZZER
0:28:39 > 0:28:42I don't think there's any point in spaying a dog this ugly -
0:28:42 > 0:28:45no-one is going to fuck that, no-one.
0:28:45 > 0:28:46BUZZER
0:28:48 > 0:28:50And here's the bill.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Er, I'm afraid we couldn't reattach it to your duck.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56BUZZER
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Well, there is a reason why he's floating on his side
0:28:58 > 0:28:59at the top of the tank.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Gerbils can't swim.
0:29:03 > 0:29:04BUZZER
0:29:07 > 0:29:08I'm afraid your squirrel is dead.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10I'm surprised he lasted this long -
0:29:10 > 0:29:12he's got a nut allergy.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16BUZZER
0:29:16 > 0:29:21Now, if I could just... get my hand...up here,
0:29:21 > 0:29:23then it's just like the cat never died.
0:29:25 > 0:29:26Meow!
0:29:28 > 0:29:29BUZZER
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Er, you know what? I could fit you in today.
0:29:34 > 0:29:35But I warn you now -
0:29:35 > 0:29:38I've got one of those "just put everything down" hangovers.
0:29:44 > 0:29:45BUZZER
0:29:48 > 0:29:49Sure I am a vet -
0:29:49 > 0:29:51Afghanistan, Iraq, two tours of Bosnia.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Let me see your cat - your cat is dead. We move on!
0:29:57 > 0:29:58BUZZER
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Yeah, kind of a good news/bad news situation here.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05The bad news is, your pig is dead,
0:30:05 > 0:30:09but the good news is, I've whipped us up a fry-up.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11BUZZER
0:30:11 > 0:30:14I'm sorry to say your horse has back cancer.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Oh, it's a camel! Thank God for that.
0:30:17 > 0:30:18Phew!
0:30:18 > 0:30:19BUZZER
0:30:21 > 0:30:23So, neutered, muzzled or put down -
0:30:23 > 0:30:25the choice is yours, Mrs Rooney.
0:30:27 > 0:30:28APPLAUSE
0:30:28 > 0:30:30BUZZER
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Do you know what? We never do this,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35but you've both been really good panels.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37So we've got Freddos for all!
0:30:37 > 0:30:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Yay!
0:30:47 > 0:30:48Yeah!