0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Nish Kumar, Zoe Lyons and Ed Gamble,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with a round called If This is the Answer,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55What is the Question? On the board are six categories.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Rhys, which category would you like?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I will have Politics, please.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Politics? Very hot right now, Politics.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03The answer is...8.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04What is the question?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Is it, how many people does Diane Abbott think are in S Club 7?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Is it, how many bottles of champagne
0:01:12 > 0:01:15did Theresa May pour down the sink on Thursday?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Is it, how many days will Richard Hammond now have to spend
0:01:19 > 0:01:20renewing his car insurance?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- Low.- He's fine. He's fine. - He's fine!
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Is it, how old was I when my parents forgot to take me on holiday
0:01:29 > 0:01:31and I had to defend the house against some burglars?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Really? How many burglars?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Two of them. I had to booby trap the whole place,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39and do you know what, Dara?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I'm not proud of this. I damn near killed them.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Is it, er, what would the voting age have to be
0:01:44 > 0:01:46for Corbyn to have won the election?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48GROANS
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Is it, how many people still think
0:01:50 > 0:01:53this whole Brexit thing was a good idea?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Is it the number of times Jeremy Corbyn has shouted,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"Now, this is strong and stable for you,"
0:01:59 > 0:02:01whilst grabbing his cock and balls?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:07 > 0:02:09It feels that the sentiment is accurate,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12but yet somehow I just don't see him doing it, somehow.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14It's a very risque joke coming from me tonight
0:02:14 > 0:02:16given that I've come dressed as a brown reverend.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20You are.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Breverend is your look.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Is it, the supermodel got fired because she what?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30AUDIENCE BOOS
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- What? They are thin! - Are you booing him, or society?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- Is it an all-supermodel audience? - Yes.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39No.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44What, you don't boo that? He's just called you all fat!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47He literally called you ugly.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48This...
0:02:48 > 0:02:51And he's not a reverend, he can't do that.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53That's not God talking, right there.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Beware the wrath of the chocolate Vicar of Dibley.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I thought it was only MY family that said that.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Is it, how many times an hour
0:03:05 > 0:03:08do I watch that GIF of Jeremy Corbyn high-fiving a boob?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Just right on the knocker, isn't it? - Oh, I love it.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Imagine what he would have done if he'd won?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Is it, when I took my driving test,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20how many minors did I hit?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Does anyone know what the actual correct answer is?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- Yes.- How many days till the next election?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:32 > 0:03:35More correctly, how many seats
0:03:35 > 0:03:38is Theresa May short of an overall majority?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Yes, the question I was looking for was, by how many seats
0:03:46 > 0:03:49did the Conservative Party fall short of an overall majority
0:03:49 > 0:03:51at this year's general election?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Did you watch it? Did you sit back?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54- I loved it.- Great, isn't it?
0:03:54 > 0:03:58It's the most British election I ever thought I would see,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02because no-one wanted it to happen, nothing has really changed,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04and the only people happy are the losers.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Oh, it's great, isn't it?- Perfect.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09It is the most victorious loss I've seen
0:04:09 > 0:04:11since the Jamaican bobsleigh team in Cool Runnings.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Corbyn kissing his lucky egg.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Don't you call Diane Abbott an egg.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Apologies.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24So it sort of felt like they campaigned on quite diffuse things.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Like Labour were talking about, you know, schools and hospitals
0:04:27 > 0:04:29and Theresa May kept talking about British values.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30The problem is British values
0:04:30 > 0:04:32mean different things to different people.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34To some people, they mean sort of openness, tolerance
0:04:34 > 0:04:37and a sense that you should be able to achieve whatever you want
0:04:37 > 0:04:38regardless of where you're born,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and to other people, it means white people.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Yeah!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Well, thanks, Rhys, for coming in and balancing off the panel,
0:04:49 > 0:04:53because, er, we haven't had any just OPENLY racist people on.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56We do get a lot of criticism for being a bit leftie,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59you know, liberal, and all that, so it's been useful to have you in.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01It's a pleasure to represent my people.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03LAUGHTER
0:05:03 > 0:05:06But, yeah, exciting as it unfolded as well, the, er...
0:05:06 > 0:05:09It was pretty sweet because she called the election
0:05:09 > 0:05:12cos she was just showing off about trying to get the landslide,
0:05:12 > 0:05:13trying to show how strong she was.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It's like watching someone flex their muscles
0:05:15 > 0:05:18and then straining too hard and immediately shitting themselves.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23What's the difference between a podium and a plinth?
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Well, that is...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27That's a lectern.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Yeah, idiot.- A podium is the thing that you kind of, that stands on,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- isn't it?- A plinth is something a statue is on.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35You place a podium on a plinth,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38but you can't place a plinth on a podium.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40That sounds like a tongue twister.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44This is the kind of Irish wisdom we can all look forward to.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48APPLAUSE
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Which neatly brings us to the Democratic Unionist Party,
0:05:56 > 0:05:57who are the new power brokers.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Let me just reassure you that you may be enjoying my work
0:06:00 > 0:06:03or Graham Norton's work or Terry Wogan's work.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07The DUP are not in the whimsical end of Irish politics.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11They're not in the gentle comedy of the, ahh,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13slightly wry look at life,
0:06:13 > 0:06:17they're in the "chaining up swings on a Sunday so children can't play"
0:06:17 > 0:06:18school of Irish politics.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Why didn't you never tell us about them?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Because frankly...
0:06:22 > 0:06:26You never... 12 years or whatever this show's been going for
0:06:26 > 0:06:29and you're just going, "Ahhh" and all the stuff you normally say,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32that "they won't let me fight the robots on Robot Wars" or whatever.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I think, just give me one round,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39ONE ROUND, where I can fight the robots with a weapon of MY choice!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44And we'll see who's the winner there. Who's lord NOW, Mr Killalot?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Why have I not told you about the pleasures of the DUP?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Because you ain't ready for the DUP.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Wait till you meet the people who don't believe in dinosaurs.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57That is...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01They are so homophobic, it's amazing.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05One of their councillors blamed us gays for natural disasters
0:07:05 > 0:07:06and do you know what?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I quite like those mad bastards for that sort of thing,
0:07:09 > 0:07:13because there are days when I feel I haven't achieved enough in my life.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17And I just feel they protest too much, cos they love a parade
0:07:17 > 0:07:19and WE love a parade.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21APPLAUSE
0:07:26 > 0:07:27One of them was on the council
0:07:27 > 0:07:30and somebody applied to put on Oktoberfest,
0:07:30 > 0:07:31to hold an Oktoberfest,
0:07:31 > 0:07:35and he said, "That's fine," but then tried to ban beer.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39They're not the party party. Let's put it that way.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Oktoberfest without beer is just sausage and lederhosen
0:07:42 > 0:07:43and no-one wants that.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47There's sort of constantly been an obsession with sort of what
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Labour might do and even after the election,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52there's been an obsession with Labour ministers having to U-turn
0:07:52 > 0:07:54because they supported Jeremy Corbyn,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56but surely the DUP thing is the biggest U-turn of all,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59to go with the other U-turns on social care
0:07:59 > 0:08:01and the fact that Theresa May campaigned for Remain
0:08:01 > 0:08:03and is now pushing for a Brexit so aggressive,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Pret a Manger's going to have to change its name to Lunch Innit.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08APPLAUSE
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Do you remember seven years ago,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16when our biggest problem was vuvuzelas?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20And we were all like, "Oh, that's a bit annoying, that noise."
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Now we're like, "Turn it up,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23"I can't listen to the news for one more second."
0:08:23 > 0:08:27It was an incredible election night, but what's going on here?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Is it a bloke helping Elmo to do up his fly?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Oh, my God - Elmo's turned Nazi.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41It's just a perfectly normal example of a fully-grown man dressed as Elmo
0:08:41 > 0:08:43stood near a child's playground.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47It's perfectly innocent, nothing's going on.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50It's just a classic fancy dress election.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51You got Elmo, a bouncer,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Phil Mitchell, Cruella de Vil and Woody Allen.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Who else stood against Theresa May in Maidenhead?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- Lord Buckethead.- Oh, well done.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Why did he? Because presumably, he's got a seat in the House of Lords.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06What's he doing there?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09It looks in that picture like they've hired someone
0:09:09 > 0:09:10to make Theresa May look more human.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12APPLAUSE
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Um, petty gripe, but his head is NOT a bucket.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25So it is yet another lie from a politician.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Unbelievable.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Also, if his eyes are where the slit is in that helmet...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32..he's got a fucking weird head.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It is, yeah. I'll give you that. It is unusual.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39That's probably why he wears the bucket.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41If he didn't, he'd be very self conscious about that.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44He's got this huge, weird, pencil-shaped head,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47with the eyes just right at the top like a couple of antennas.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49"I'm going to have to put a bucket over this,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"otherwise people won't take me seriously."
0:09:51 > 0:09:55He's got a lot of letters in his head, that's all I know.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58People would have posted stuff in there over the years, wouldn't they?
0:09:58 > 0:09:59That's how he gets other people's votes.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02He just sits there in the voting booth.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06"Thank you very much."
0:10:06 > 0:10:07"Did that one just talk to me?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"It just shook its head, I swear to God."
0:10:11 > 0:10:14What was one of the main reasons for Labour's success in the election?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17They got more votes than everyone was expecting.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19OK, that's...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22We all voted. Me and all the rest of the Scouts.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24We got down there and we voted.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25We did, didn't we? We kids did it.
0:10:25 > 0:10:31- And the grime stars.- We young people. We... Me and...Stormzy.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I am waiting for someone to go, "It's Storms-i."
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Before now, Dara thought a grime star
0:10:42 > 0:10:43was Barry Scott from Cillit Bang.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48When you realise Corbyn is more hip than you, I was like...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50When I heard that JME was supporting him, I was like,
0:10:50 > 0:10:54"I've never heard of this union. Who ARE they?"
0:10:54 > 0:10:57That was the other problem for the Tories - because they couldn't get
0:10:57 > 0:10:59the elderly to vote because the elderly who normally go to
0:10:59 > 0:11:02the polling station were worried that while they were out,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05the Tories would sell their house and send them to a care home.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08APPLAUSE
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Also it certainly signals the death of traditional media
0:11:11 > 0:11:13for young people, anyway. I mean this -
0:11:13 > 0:11:15this is, this is DEAD, dead, people,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17this thing, this.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19What?! I just got on this bloody show!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Yeah, man.- I just do this to get on GIFs.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23That's the only reason.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Do one now.- I'll do one now.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Surprise? Yeah.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31That'll be all over the internet in a week.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33It's grand. That's where I make all my money, on GIFs, these days,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35it really is, like...
0:11:37 > 0:11:40You package it up into tiny five-second bits of...
0:11:40 > 0:11:41HE MOUTHS: No.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:44George Osborne was on ITV, wasn't he,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47laughing like a lunatic during the election coverage.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Where was David Cameron? I assume
0:11:48 > 0:11:51he was on the phone to the Guinness Book of Records, getting them
0:11:51 > 0:11:54to change their category for "Biggest fuck-up by a Conservative".
0:11:56 > 0:11:57OK, at the end of that round,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00the points go to Rhys, Hugh and James.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Now we play a round called, "Should I May or Should I Go?"
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- This game...- Ah, class.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Thank you.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14..involves Rhys and Nish.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29And the first subject is Courage.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Rhys.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I'm a very courageous person.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Like the other day, I was walking home from a night out
0:12:37 > 0:12:39and I got myself a kebab,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42even though I knew full well that back home,
0:12:42 > 0:12:43I had run out of Gaviscon.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Wow.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48We've got a bad ass in the room at LAST.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Tell you what, though -
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I am not courageous enough to be honest to a taxi driver.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Rule 1 of being a comedian -
0:12:55 > 0:12:57do not tell a taxi driver you are a comedian.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00They expect too much from the relationship, right,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03like either they want you to tell them a joke - for free - or...
0:13:04 > 0:13:08..they want to tell YOU a joke which is often morally all over the place.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11So you have to lie to them, right, but that's nerve-racking.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I was in a taxi the other day and I freaked out.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15My mind just went blank when I got in the taxi.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I was there, I was nervous, my palms were sweaty, my knees were weak,
0:13:18 > 0:13:19my arms were heavy, it was very familiar,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21and I was just,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I was freaking out, cos I knew he'd ask that question.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25He was going to say, "What do you do for a living?"
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I'm in the back, thinking, "Rhys, don't panic,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29"just say the first thing that comes to your head."
0:13:29 > 0:13:31He turns around, "What do you do for a living, mate?"
0:13:31 > 0:13:33And I went, "Taxi driver." Just a nightmare.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I mean, say what you see,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37but he didn't speak to me for the rest of the journey,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39so I now do it every time.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40APPLAUSE
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Thank you very much, Rhys James.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47OK, so that leaves Nish.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52And the topic is Race.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I'll take this one, Rhys.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55LAUGHTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Difficult and interesting time to be a non-white person living in Britain
0:14:02 > 0:14:04right now, but I THINK things are improving,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07especially to be a non-white comedian, cos ten years ago,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I got some advice from a former agent.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11She said, "Nish,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14"you should stop mentioning on stage that you're not white."
0:14:16 > 0:14:19And I was like, "People are going to know."
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I'm not exactly flying under the radar, race-wise here.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30So a couple of weeks later, I got offered an audition in a sitcom.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Now, that part required me to do what was cheerfully referred to in
0:14:34 > 0:14:37the script as "the accent", right.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Weren't talking about French, were they?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45When that came in, I said,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48"There's absolutely no way that I'm going to do that,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50"it's cheap, it's Uncle Tom,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"it's selling out my entire cultural heritage".
0:14:53 > 0:14:55And she said, "This is the problem with you, Nish -
0:14:55 > 0:14:58"you take a too high-minded approach.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"You'll never be successful in comedy
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"because you will never do comedy that relates to
0:15:03 > 0:15:08"the man in the factory." And when she said that I said,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10"I don't really relate to your paradigm of the man in the factory.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"I think what you're trying to say is that I should appeal
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"to as high a percentage of the British population as possible,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18"but in the '80s, we shifted from a manufacturing-
0:15:18 > 0:15:20"to a service-based economy,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"so actually, if you wanted to talk about most of the British public,
0:15:23 > 0:15:25"what you should have said is, the man who works in the shop,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27"or the man who works in a hotel.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31And she said, "I mean, this is EXACTLY what I'm talking about."
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Thank you very much, Nish.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35The points in that round go to... Rhys James.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Come back!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46I show the panel a topical image
0:15:46 > 0:15:49and ask them to tell me what's happening. So what's going on here?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51She's just moved into the White House, hasn't she?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55So, he's probably saying, "Don't ever try and escape again."
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Is he saying, "Just smile for the cameras,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02"and as a little treat later, we WON'T have sex"?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Is she saying, "Where are my eyes?"
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Is he saying, "So, how long ago did you form Aerosmith?"
0:16:15 > 0:16:18She's probably saying, "Can we just go round this grassy knoll?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19"One more time?"
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Anyone know what it ACTUALLY is?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Melania Trump finally moved to Washington this week.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Indeed she did. Thank you very much, Ed Gamble, yes.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Yes, it's a picture of Donald Trump and Melania
0:16:32 > 0:16:33at the White House this week.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Melania's finally joined her husband in the White House
0:16:35 > 0:16:38after spending the first five months of his presidency in New York.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40She looks very happy about it, doesn't she?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I think she's packed all her most important stuff.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Her prized possession, her favourite pillow to scream into at night.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50You know, now that she's moved into the White House,
0:16:50 > 0:16:54all first ladies take up a kind of charitable cause and stuff,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56and hers is, before the election,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58she decided hers was going to be cyber bullying...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Yes.- ..and social media.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03And you think, "All she needs to do is just tell him to stop it."
0:17:06 > 0:17:08APPLAUSE
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Melania tweeted a photo of her at the White House,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16saying she couldn't wait to make some memories in her new home,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19and those memories will presumably include her husband being impeached
0:17:19 > 0:17:21and cupboard sex with her bodyguard.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29What else has he been accused of this week?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Well, lying, I guess.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32That's the general idea.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Specific lies? - So he's in this problem, isn't he?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37James Comey, who was the head of the FBI, who he sacked
0:17:37 > 0:17:40for investigating his links with Russia.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Yeah.- Now, it's the cover-up he's being accused of, isn't it?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46That he got rid of him in order to, you know...
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- How tall is James Comey? - Six foot eight.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- It is not the look you want in a spy, is it?- No.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57American politics is so much more badass than British politics.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01They've got the ex-head of the FBI testifying against the president
0:18:01 > 0:18:03because the Russians might have rigged the election.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05We've got a man with a bucket on his head and a fish finger.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12A fantastic interaction... At one point, they had a discussion,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Trump and Comey together, and Trump turned to Comey and said,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"I want loyalty."
0:18:17 > 0:18:20And Comey said that he just stood there, not saying anything,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22hoping that he could get out of this moment,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24and eventually HAD to say something
0:18:24 > 0:18:28and said, "I can promise you honesty."
0:18:28 > 0:18:32And Trump said, "Yes - honest loyalty."
0:18:33 > 0:18:36What?! That is like going to a lady, "I want sex,"
0:18:36 > 0:18:39and she says, "We can be friends,"
0:18:39 > 0:18:42and you go, "Yes - sex friends.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52"Good to know we're on the same page here."
0:18:53 > 0:18:56It's like he's genuinely upset that Comey's talking about stuff.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59They had a discussion in the Oval Office, and now Trump is going,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- "He's a leaker."- To be fair, most men Trump's age are leakers anyway,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05aren't they? Whether they want to be or not.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Quite often, he pays for it.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Isn't calling him a leaker basically saying it is definitely true?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Yes, it is.- Shouldn't he be calling him a liar?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15If someone accused me of murder and I went,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17"Well, someone's a chatterbox, aren't they?"
0:19:19 > 0:19:21APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Trump's got to be careful of all these lies, man.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30It gets you in trouble. Let me tell you a story, Dara.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I'm always happy for James's story time.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35It's about a little boy named Pinocchio.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40He was a little wooden puppet
0:19:40 > 0:19:44who came to life cos he was possessed by a demon, and...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48and he would go around and he would lie to everyone because...
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Well, because of the devil. And then all the villagers,
0:19:51 > 0:19:55they put him on a bonfire and they burnt his soul to ash,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59and Trump should learn, you never trust a puppet.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I think we've all learned an important lesson there.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09You fucking idiot.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Do another one. Another one!
0:20:14 > 0:20:15No! Literally, no.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I want to hear James's version of the Bible.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22- In the beginning...- No.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26APPLAUSE
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Although...I would like the DUP to hear this.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34What has Trump allegedly put on hold?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- His trip to London. - His trip to London.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:44See? See!
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Typical liberal BBC audience.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51What were you worried about, mate? They're clapping you right now.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52It's a bit sort of weird, isn't it?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55This is the man who said he would take on Isis,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57and he's not coming cos he's scared
0:20:57 > 0:20:59of a few Guardian readers with placards.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02He's made a huge mistake as well.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05He's named... The new British ambassador from the US
0:21:05 > 0:21:07is called Woody Johnson,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11who is perhaps the most American-named man of all time.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14He may as well have gone, "The new ambassador is called Hamburger Gun."
0:21:15 > 0:21:18The name Woody Johnson is essentially Penis Penis.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Old Double Dick rolling into town.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29"Double Dick's running late again."
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Always keeps you waiting, does Double Dick.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33The most American man I've ever met
0:21:33 > 0:21:35was a man who was called Randy Yanker.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Genuinely called Randy Yanker.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42People don't know this, but Hugh used to be a porn star.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47You say "used to be"...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49It was Huge Dennis, wasn't that the name?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER
0:21:52 > 0:21:53You're not wrong.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59This is a job for Huge Dennis.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01And Dennis is a slight misspelling.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05What might be the next breakthrough
0:22:05 > 0:22:07in the field of artificial intelligence?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10What's happened is, robots have been given self-doubt.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- They have.- As proven by Theresa May's election campaign.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15APPLAUSE
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Beautiful. - We can all go home.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23ROBOTICALLY: Strong and stable, strong and stable,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26strong and stable... SPEEDS UP: ..strong and stable...
0:22:26 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:33OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Zoe and Nish.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43so if everyone could make their way over to the performance area,
0:22:43 > 0:22:44I'll read out this week's topics,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48OK, here we go.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50The first subject is...
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Well, that was a sticky moment. Last time I tickle a sperm whale.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01BUZZER
0:23:04 > 0:23:08It's been said that male cows don't defecate, but as you can see,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10that's bullshit.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11BUZZER
0:23:13 > 0:23:14The best way to tell the difference
0:23:14 > 0:23:17between an Indian and an African elephant
0:23:17 > 0:23:18is that one of them is an elephant.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23BUZZER
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Hello, I'm not an elephant.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31BUZZER
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Told ya.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37The baboon is one of the most sophisticated primates.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Would you LOOK at the arse on that!
0:23:41 > 0:23:42BUZZER
0:23:44 > 0:23:47And the reason why geese fly in a V-formation
0:23:47 > 0:23:50is to act as chevrons for aeroplanes.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54BUZZER
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Coming up, a couple of rhinos banging
0:23:56 > 0:23:58and some monkeys fingerblasting each other,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00on Extremely Blue Planet.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03BUZZER
0:24:04 > 0:24:06And what a magnificent scene,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09the monkey's lifting the lion cub towards the sun,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12and I'm being removed from the theatre for talking.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15BUZZER
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Dawn rises on the Serengeti.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Dawn has no idea how she got there.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25BUZZER
0:24:26 > 0:24:30The gibbon is widely considered to be the most frequent masturbator
0:24:30 > 0:24:32in the entire animal kingdom.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33We'll see about that.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37BUZZER
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Hello, mates.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42I'm Danny Dyer, and welcome to Britain's Longest Dogs.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45BUZZER
0:24:47 > 0:24:50The camel can walk across the sand because of its toes,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53or as scientists call them, fanny outlines.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58BUZZER
0:25:00 > 0:25:03And here we have a tiger happily eating Frosties.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Tonight's episode is dedicated to the memory of our cameraman,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Charles Frosties.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22And here we see two majestic "birds of pray",
0:25:22 > 0:25:24or "nuns", as they're also called.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Here we have a woodchuck, also known as a groundhog,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37prompting the question,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"How much ground could a groundhog hog
0:25:39 > 0:25:40"if a groundhog could hog ground?"
0:25:47 > 0:25:50As the three lions circle the female, we ask,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53"When will footballers learn that no means no?"
0:25:53 > 0:25:55GROANS
0:25:55 > 0:25:56BUZZER
0:25:58 > 0:26:00The crab scuttles into view.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I should have used the special shampoo again.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07BUZZER
0:26:09 > 0:26:12And today, we'll be talking about one of the largest land mammals
0:26:12 > 0:26:14to ever walk the earth...
0:26:14 > 0:26:15your mum!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20OK, the next topic is...
0:26:23 > 0:26:25No, should have gone to SpecSavers.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:36My name's Ed.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38What's it short for?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Don't know, it's just always been like that.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43BUZZER
0:26:44 > 0:26:46You had me at hello,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49which is why most of my friends think I'm a bit of a slag.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52BUZZER
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Your father must have been a thief,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and I'm going to catch him if it's the last thing I do.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Your father's going to prison!
0:27:08 > 0:27:09It's a loyalty card.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Every ten shags, I buy you a present.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15BUZZER
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Hey, are you a parking ticket?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Cos I picked you up on the street, and now I can't afford to pay you.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Love is blind, and so am I,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31now let me feel your face so I know you're not a munter.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35BUZZER
0:27:35 > 0:27:36I'd say my approach to sex
0:27:36 > 0:27:39is a lot like the Government's approach to Brexit -
0:27:39 > 0:27:40I go in hard and then pull out
0:27:40 > 0:27:42when I realise I have no idea what I'm doing.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:44 > 0:27:45BUZZER
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Oh, so when you sit there
0:27:50 > 0:27:52seductively licking your lips, that's sexy,
0:27:52 > 0:27:56but when I do it, I'm "weird" and should "get off your lips"?
0:27:56 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:28:01 > 0:28:02BUZZER
0:28:02 > 0:28:04You look like a million dollars -
0:28:04 > 0:28:07less impressive than you would have done ten years ago.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10BUZZER
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I like my men like I like...women.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20BUZZER
0:28:20 > 0:28:22APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Hey, girl, you must be tired, cos you look real tired.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Get some rest, lady!
0:28:28 > 0:28:29BUZZER
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Well, I hope you're nothing like my ex-girlfriend.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35She was so demanding! Always asked me to text her when I got in.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37That's how small my penis is.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41BUZZER
0:28:42 > 0:28:45So do you...come here often?
0:28:45 > 0:28:47To this STD clinic?
0:28:49 > 0:28:50BUZZER
0:28:51 > 0:28:54If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together,
0:28:54 > 0:28:57which is why I was fired from my job as an English teacher.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Roses are red, violets are red,
0:29:03 > 0:29:05you are red, the sky is red.
0:29:05 > 0:29:06I'm bleeding in the eyes.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10BUZZER
0:29:10 > 0:29:12You've got an arse that just won't quit...
0:29:12 > 0:29:15despite calling an election and losing a majority.
0:29:16 > 0:29:17BUZZER
0:29:18 > 0:29:21You don't look like you did through the binoculars!
0:29:23 > 0:29:26APPLAUSE
0:29:26 > 0:29:27BUZZER
0:29:28 > 0:29:31If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
0:29:31 > 0:29:34While I cry on your shoulder? I'm so lonely, God, I'm so lonely.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38BUZZER
0:29:38 > 0:29:40On the first date, I always like to go Dutch.
0:29:40 > 0:29:41I don't mean I split the bill,
0:29:41 > 0:29:44but I'll do some really kinky stuff in clogs.
0:29:45 > 0:29:46BUZZER
0:29:48 > 0:29:50I like my women like I like my coffee -
0:29:50 > 0:29:52always getting my name wrong.
0:29:54 > 0:29:55BUZZER
0:29:58 > 0:30:00If you were on an Indian menu,
0:30:00 > 0:30:02you would have three chillies next to you,
0:30:02 > 0:30:04because you make me shit myself.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06BUZZER
0:30:06 > 0:30:09At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Zoe and Nish.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:30:16 > 0:30:17And that's the end of the show.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21This week's winners are Nish Kumar, Zoe Lyons and Ed Gamble.
0:30:21 > 0:30:22CHEERING
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Commiserations to Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29CHEERING
0:30:29 > 0:30:33Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:36 > 0:30:41# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:42 > 0:30:46# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:48 > 0:30:50# Read all about it
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0:30:53 > 0:30:56# News of the world News of the world. #