0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# News of the world, news of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world, news of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Nish Kumar, Kerry Godliman
0:00:40 > 0:00:42and Ed Gamble, Gary Delaney,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I show the panel a topical image
0:00:55 > 0:00:56and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58So, what's going on here?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I know it's an endlessly comic image.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Is that when you know you're about to lose your job
0:01:06 > 0:01:08so you nick loads and loads of stationery?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Is she running late for an empathy workshop?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Is she saying, "Finally, I'm finished my CV!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19"Now off to the Jobcentre"?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Or is that her photo album that's called
0:01:22 > 0:01:25My Highlights As Prime Minister, and it's completely empty?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I'm surprised she's getting out the car there.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Look at the roof - there's a shark in the background.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Is she taking round her own leaving day card?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- NISH:- Which would be the saddest thing in the world.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44We're getting something for me...Theresa, I mean,
0:01:44 > 0:01:45just as kind of a goodbye thing.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48So we're all putting in £5 for me...Theresa.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Some people put euro in. They were taking the piss.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55She loves that car that goes 0-60 in a few seconds,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58which is exactly the opposite of her majority.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I'm not saying that she's grey, but if it wasn't for those folders,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I'd say that was a black-and-white photo.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Has she been kicked out of her cab for asking to do too many U-turns?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I wonder if she's getting out so fast because she's noticed
0:02:21 > 0:02:23that Richard Hammond is driving.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Let's have... Yeah.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32It's the Prime Minister, Theresa May.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- As we record, it is the Prime Minister.- Yes.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Yes, you're right, Nish Kumar, you're absolutely right.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Thank you very much. APPLAUSE
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I mean, it's getting to the point where this show...
0:02:46 > 0:02:49It's like Game Of Thrones in the real world.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I'm just saying, it's too much news.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Westeros needs a period of stability.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Do you think she'll cling on as leader?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00She's lost her authority, cos she apparently...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Her glare doesn't work now, since the election.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Like, before the election, she just had to...
0:03:06 > 0:03:07- Shit, Kerry!- Exactly.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10She'd just do a look and everyone would, like,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- clam up and go, "All right." - Do the look again. Buh!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Once you've lost it, apparently... - You won't get it back.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19It's like a sort of deputy head crying in a stationery cupboard.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25People are actually calling her the caretaker PM now. But that's not...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27A caretaker does not do that, a caretaker is supposed to
0:03:27 > 0:03:31return the property in better or the same condition.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34But like every caretaker in Scooby-Doo history,
0:03:34 > 0:03:35she can genuinely go,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids."
0:03:38 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:45 > 0:03:47"Why did we give them the vote?"
0:03:48 > 0:03:53There are 318 MPs and they've got to find one who's better than
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Theresa May, which narrows it down to 317.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I felt sorry for the Conservatives in their last leadership election
0:04:01 > 0:04:03because I know all about what it's like when
0:04:03 > 0:04:06your Johnson fails to stand at a crucial moment.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11The press are using analogies of everyone circling round her,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13about to try and pounce like it's sort of
0:04:13 > 0:04:15a prey-predator wildlife situation.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16But in those, when you watch those,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19there's like an antelope running away, doing its best to survive.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22If this was a nature programme, Theresa May as an antelope is
0:04:22 > 0:04:26just her running over and over again into a brick wall until she's dead.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Then the lions just wander over and pick at her corpse.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34In which there are no lions, because she's a self-injuring gazelle
0:04:34 > 0:04:36surrounded by other gazelles just nudging at her, going...
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Not wanting to be the gazelle that steps forward.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41She hasn't got any mates left, has she?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Cos her advisors have gone now. Nick Timothy, is it?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48He looks like a hipster. That's very confusing.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51When you've got the bloke from Mumford & Sons that looks like
0:04:51 > 0:04:54he runs a real ale brewery is a Tory, you're like, what?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- And he's got two first names, which is greedy.- Yeah.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Women don't do that.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Men do the Nick Timothy two first names thing,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04you don't get Sarah Clare, Joanna Allison.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Women don't have two first names, they don't go in for that.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I am now just...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It's not funny but it's true.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Marie Claire?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Hey, whoa, whoa, Theresa May. Did you say Theresa May?- Oh, yeah!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Boom!
0:05:25 > 0:05:29I have never seen anyone's point so immediately destroyed.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Look at that massive photo. - Theresa May, Theresa May.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33That's how badly things are going for her,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36we literally forgot she was a thing.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I think it's inevitable she's going to resign at some point.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43The big question is who she's going to send out to do it for her.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48She can't win because Brexiteers are saying if you change anything
0:05:48 > 0:05:51we'll try and get rid of you, and the Remainers are saying,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53if you don't change anything we will try and get rid of you.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56The only Conservative at the moment who is at all happy is
0:05:56 > 0:05:59David Cameron, who's been laughing for the last week and a half.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03He's like the kind of bloke who brakes really hard
0:06:03 > 0:06:05on the motorway, David Cameron,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08and he causes a massive pile-up and he just drives off,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11and then he watches it that night on the news and goes,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"Blimey, I nearly got caught up in that."
0:06:13 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:19 > 0:06:20She's doing everything so wrong.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Every decision she makes is the one
0:06:22 > 0:06:24that the least amount of people agree with.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Does she think she's playing Pointless?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32What has she done about the next year's Queen's Speech?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33She's cancelled it,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and the Queen is furious because she's on a zero-hours contract.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40She should riff the Queen's speech.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Like, if she's angry it's been cancelled,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45this year she should just throw in loads of stuff that she wants.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46She just suddenly at the end goes,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48"Oh, and free Nando's for all Queens."
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Or just stuff that the government definitely can't do
0:06:58 > 0:07:00to screw them over. Like just start going,
0:07:00 > 0:07:04"Oh, also, Freddos will be 10p again and you can download orgasms."
0:07:05 > 0:07:08But isn't that one of the things they're trying to put on...?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10What, Freddos being 10p again?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Yeah.- I don't get the... What is it?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Sorry, there is a generation thing with the Freddo.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Let it go with the Freddo. - What do you mean?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- What's your problem with the Freddo? - What is a Freddo?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22As a representative of young people, let me rap wit' ya, Dara.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I'm just saying, everyone is obsessed with the cost of Freddos.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Just because you come from a time where you could buy
0:07:27 > 0:07:28a house for 10p...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:34 > 0:07:37In other news, which major political figure resigned recently?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I know Tim Farron did, but I don't know if anyone else did.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Is it worth re-electing another leader of the Lib Dems?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Like, is it worth it? There's only 12 of them in Parliament.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51It's like the waiter at Nando's. You know, what are you for?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I feel a little bit sorry for him.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I do a little bit, because he thought, you know,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00leader of a major political party, you make it into the history books.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02All he's actually going to be in five years' time
0:08:02 > 0:08:05is the answer to a really bloody difficult question in a pub quiz.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I love his video, his leaving video,
0:08:08 > 0:08:12cos, like, he was really earnest and then the phone kept ringing,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15and you could see this woman just go out of shot to answer it,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17and I wanted it to be a journalist and hand it to Tim and go,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"Yeah, but do you think gay sex is a sin?"
0:08:21 > 0:08:23That would have been perfect.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Who is running for the Lib Dem leader, then?- Vince Cable.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Vince Cable.- That's kind of ridiculous, because he's 74.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30So by the time there's a next election,
0:08:30 > 0:08:31he'll be 74.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I really like seeing Vince Cable coming back.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43It's sort of comforting, isn't it? Back to a lovelier time.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45It's like when you see William Hague.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I'm even nostalgic now for Bush, you know, and I thought that
0:08:48 > 0:08:51would only happen when I was watching internet pornography.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54You get the nostalgic kind of thing of, oh, you know...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Oh, three years ago, wasn't it lovely?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Yeah. Oh, Freddos, 10p.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- What is a Freddo?- It's a small...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I don't know what a Freddo is.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08It's like a chocolate bar with soft caramel inside it.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Kerry, it's basically their generation's finger of Fudge.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Oh, right.- I do beg your pardon?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- You know finger of Fudge, right? - Yeah.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I genuinely for years thought they had pepper in...
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- Yes, yes!- ..to the extent that when I ate them,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I imagined I could taste pepper because the song always went
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"They're full of peppery goodness and very small and neat."
0:09:28 > 0:09:31And I misheard the world Cadbury as pepper and convinced myself
0:09:31 > 0:09:33they tasted of pepper.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I never went that far, but I did go, "That's false advertising,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"because this just tastes of yummy fudge
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"and there's no peppery goodness in it.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"What is peppery goodness anyway?"
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- Yeah, and obviously just you and me on that.- Yeah, I know.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49It's like watching a conversation in a retirement village.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:56 > 0:09:58The new generation are vicious.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Moving on, what has Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell demanded?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Oh, he wants a million people marching on the streets
0:10:07 > 0:10:10and he wants Diane Abbott counting them.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:14 > 0:10:18At the end of that round, a point to Angela, Hugh and Gary.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20CHEERING
0:10:21 > 0:10:26Now we play a round called It's My Party, I'll Resign When I Want To.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29This game involves Gary and Kerry,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32so if you could make your way over to the performance area, please.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33This is a stand-up challenge.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I'll launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43The first subject is...
0:10:43 > 0:10:45friendship.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Who wants to come in on that? Kerry.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Now, men and women expect very different things
0:10:52 > 0:10:53from their friendships.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58Women expect quite a lot from their girlfriends and men expect...
0:10:58 > 0:11:00sod all, really, very little.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03The bar is very low with male friendship.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06If a woman rings her mate and leaves a message on her voicemail
0:11:06 > 0:11:08and doesn't get an answer back within a day or two,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10or a week or two, she'll ring her again,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13leave another little message - "Did you get my message, babe?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"Cos I did ring you and I didn't hear back from you,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"so I'm just checking you're all right, yeah? Ha-ha-ha!"
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It's terrifying, really.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24But if a bloke rings his mate and he doesn't hear back within
0:11:24 > 0:11:28a year, or two years, he doesn't care.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30He doesn't give a toss.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32He might bump into that mate down the pub and be like,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"Oi, you, I rang you a couple of years ago.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35"Thought you were dead.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38"Can I have my drill back?"
0:11:40 > 0:11:42It's a very different set of expectations,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45because blokes like banter, they love to banter with each other
0:11:45 > 0:11:47and they can be quite nasty to one other.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Women, we do do banter, but we have a threshold.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51We don't go in too mean.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Like, blokes love a nickname, they love a nasty,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55horrible nickname, nastier the better.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59I was introduced to a bloke recently by his best friend as Shitflaps,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01that was the name.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I was like, "But that's not your name, though, is it, Shitflaps?"
0:12:04 > 0:12:06And he liked it, he was like, "Yeah, that's my name.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"Shitflaps, that's me.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10"Everyone calls me Shitflaps, all my mates.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11"And my dad and my kids."
0:12:13 > 0:12:17He was a broken man but he felt loved and that's what that was for.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20It's not unusual to see bunch of blokes down the pub
0:12:20 > 0:12:23on a weekend introducing each other with all their stupid nicknames
0:12:23 > 0:12:25they've had since they were at school.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27"This is Shit Don't Stink, he thinks he's it.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29"This is Wankstain Wayne, huh-huh!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32"This is Paedo Pete. Hey!"
0:12:32 > 0:12:34They all know a Paedo Pete.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36But you wouldn't see that with women,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39you wouldn't see a bunch of women introducing each other,
0:12:39 > 0:12:40"This is Hairy Tits Helen.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45"This is Cries Too Much Claire."
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"I don't! I don't cry too much!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:52"You do, Claire, you do, you don't half go on.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55"This is Barrel Legs.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59"You shouldn't have worn a skirt.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02"This is Chlamydia Claudine."
0:13:04 > 0:13:06We wouldn't do that, we wouldn't do that.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09We think it, but we don't say it.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Lovely stuff. OK, that leaves us with Gary.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22And the topic is health.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Gary.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29The area in a Nando's between the front and back door
0:13:29 > 0:13:32is called the peri-perineum.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I like to judge my weight by my BMI -
0:13:40 > 0:13:44as long as I weigh less than a small plane, I think it's fine.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49APPLAUSE
0:13:50 > 0:13:53When writing a story about losing your virginity,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55it's important to always put it in the first person.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02When people die and head towards the light,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06what they don't realise is they've already been reincarnated as a moth.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I can count the number of chainsaw accidents I've had
0:14:12 > 0:14:14on the fingers of one hand.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I'll tell you what always catches my eye -
0:14:19 > 0:14:21short people with umbrellas.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25The other day I was doing the hoovering in my pants
0:14:25 > 0:14:28and I thought to myself, "How do my bollocks get this dusty?"
0:14:28 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:34APPLAUSE
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I've been attending Gamblers Anonymous for three years
0:14:39 > 0:14:41whereas my best mate Dave, he only stuck it out for two and a half,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43so I won that one.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I like to think I'm a bit like Superman.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49For example, the other day I changed in a phone box...
0:14:49 > 0:14:53from a man who really needed a wee to a man who's just had a wee.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I pulled a sickie the other day.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Just one of the perks of working at the hospital.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:15:04 > 0:15:07The other day, my girlfriend and I had great make-up sex.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Well, I say that, she was out and I stuck her lipstick up my arse.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Because I'm worth it.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21APPLAUSE Thank you, Gary Delaney.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25At the end of that round, points go to Kerry Godliman!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Come on. CHEERING
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Our next round is called This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35On the board are six categories.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Kerry, which category would you like?- Home News, please.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41OK, your category is Home News, and the answer is...
0:15:42 > 0:15:43What is the question?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Is that what vegans eat when no-one's watching?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Is it Heston Blumenthal's recipe for a ham sandwich?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Is it the smell of an old people's home?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Is it one of the weirdest things the DUP have asked for so far?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Is it at Eton, what were the nicknames of Boris Johnson,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11David Cameron and George Osborne?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Is it what are the first three items on Ant McPartlin's shopping list?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18GROANING
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Oi, beloved of the nation, back away, all right?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Do not slam our Queen of Hearts.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Also, he is lactose intolerant. That is very insensitive.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Is it what three things do you test by sniffing to see if they're OK?
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Look, I find that people don't go,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"Smell the cocaine, I think it's off."
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Is it a Glastonbury diet, minus cheese and fish?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Is it on a self-service till, what do I put through as onions?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Is it what goes well with chips?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Bravo.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I think the correct answer would be perfectly timed now.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Dara, are these three things up for negotiation
0:17:09 > 0:17:11in the current Brexit discussions?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Yes, they are, Nish, thank you very much. There you go.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17APPLAUSE
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21what are some of the many issues that will need to be addressed
0:17:21 > 0:17:24during the Brexit negotiations, which began this week?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26This is the news that formal Brexit negotiations began
0:17:26 > 0:17:27in Brussels on Monday.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Some of the issues that need to be resolved include medical drugs,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33fishing policies and geographical food protection of certain foods,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- such as Parma ham or champagne. - Freddos.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Yes, Brexit. And Freddos.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Freddos...
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Freddos, which are made in the small French village of Le Freddo.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Brexit's starting this week! Yay!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51We've been accused in the past of being down on Brexit and
0:17:51 > 0:17:53therefore being insensitive to the needs of 52%
0:17:53 > 0:17:55of the population who voted for it, so, yay!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Good for Brexit!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It's a great thing.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04It's just the start, though, isn't it?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I overheard someone on a bus the other day going,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09"See? Brexit is not that bad, is it?" It hasn't happened yet, has it?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12That's like me deciding that I'm going to come off the pill
0:18:12 > 0:18:14tomorrow and waking up tomorrow morning going,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"Well, being a mum's a piece of piss, isn't it?"
0:18:19 > 0:18:21We're just at the very beginning!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23And they say these negotiations are going to take two years.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24They're bloody not, are they?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26It took Greenland three years to get out
0:18:26 > 0:18:28and all they had to talk about was fish.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30We've got fish AND chips.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32And cheese and drugs.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36We'll never get through all three lists on the agenda, will we?
0:18:36 > 0:18:40We are going to get absolutely shafted at these negotiations.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42David Davis has gone in all confident and in about
0:18:42 > 0:18:44two years' time he's going to come out saying,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46"We don't have free movement, we're not part of the single market,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49"we have to be called the United Kingdom of Buttholes,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"but I managed to steal Juncker's pen."
0:18:52 > 0:18:53It was bad.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55At the end of the first day of the negotiations,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57when David Davis walked out speaking French, you're thinking,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00"This is going really badly."
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"Bonjour au negotiations."
0:19:05 > 0:19:07And now that Theresa May has to speak in a Northern Irish accent,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09it's going to be a nightmare in the Commons.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit? HE IMITATES NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I am really glad it was you on this panel that decided to do that.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17To be honest, I can do...
0:19:17 > 0:19:20They call us Mexicans, I can go niddly, niddly, niddly.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:26We've an ongoing thing between Dublin and Belfast, you know.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Listen, they say, "How are the Mexicans doing?"
0:19:28 > 0:19:30and we go, nirny, nirny, nirn.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35They didn't want trade, so they've had to postpone talking about trade.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Yeah.- And you do leave the best till last, don't you?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You don't play Come On Eileen at the beginning of a disco.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47It feels like we're such an embarrassment to continental Europe,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50and the way that I measure this is my brother actually
0:19:50 > 0:19:53lives in Berlin and he is now just telling people he's Indian.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58And if you're thinking, "Does he do the accent?"
0:19:58 > 0:19:59You better believe he does the accent.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01He arrived in Berlin sounding like Hugh Grant,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03now he sounds like Apu from The Simpsons.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I think that's a better option for us.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Like, if we're a laughing stock already,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12we should just lean into it and become, like, the joke country.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14If we get Boris Johnson as the next Prime Minister,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I think he is the best option, cos they're already laughing at us.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19We're going to get more stuff done in the EU if they're going,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22"Ha-ha! And now their leader is a dumpling in a suit!"
0:20:24 > 0:20:26If you're the one leaving,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28you don't get to dictate if it's amicable or not.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31If I have to say to my boyfriend, "I am leaving you tomorrow,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34"but I still want unfettered access to all sexual..."
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Actually, he'd probably go for that. That's a bad example.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40There were some people that wanted to stay in the EU,
0:20:40 > 0:20:41some surprising people.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Because I read this thing this week that only 98%
0:20:45 > 0:20:47of Ukip voters voted Leave.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51And so your question is, what are the other 2% playing at?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I'm not intimately acquainted with the Green party, but I'm pretty sure
0:20:54 > 0:20:55there's not a section that favours
0:20:55 > 0:20:57total deforestation of the Amazonian.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I'm worried we're going to lose Lidl.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Lidl withdraw and...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I don't want to live in a world without Lidl, do you?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07The surprise aisle, it's the best place on earth.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Groceries, groceries, Argos has vomited, more groceries.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I used to live next door to a Lidl and my then-flatmate,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16he once popped into Lidl next door to buy some milk
0:21:16 > 0:21:18and he phoned me from Lidl next door.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19He said, "Can you come and pick me up?"
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I was like, "What do you mean, can I come and pick you up?"
0:21:22 > 0:21:23He said, "I've bought a drum kit."
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I don't want to live in a country where that can't happen.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Speaking of Europe, what are the French facing a shortage of?
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Manners.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Other than manners...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Well, it's butter, isn't it? - But what does that cause?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- There's going to be a croissant shortage.- There is.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I won't miss croissants. You end up wearing half of it, don't you?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I find it really hard, if you ever have a croissant
0:21:56 > 0:21:57as breakfast in bed,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00because I've got eczema so I don't know when I've finished.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02GROANING
0:22:07 > 0:22:11It was one of the issues raised by, and I love his name
0:22:11 > 0:22:12and I love his job,
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Fabien Castanier of the federation of French biscuit and cake-makers.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21And he... Is he really, really thin or really, really fat?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I can't decide. I haven't seen a picture of him.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Is he really pencil thin with a little moustache, going,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27"I do not eat them myself,"
0:22:27 > 0:22:30or is he enormous, "Oh, I love the cakes and the biscuits"?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I can't decide which I want more.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34My friend here, he do not eat the cakes.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38"I do not like the cakes myself." LAUGHTER OBSCURES SPEECH
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- No, they're forced to... They're making butter from wine now.- What?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43No, they're not.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:49That's how racism starts.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51You can just make anything up and everyone goes,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53"Yeah, I bet they bloody are, actually."
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Churning the wine furiously.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57"Oh, we have to make butter from wine now."
0:22:57 > 0:23:00You can't say that, because you're the science guy on the panel.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03So if you say, "Oh, the French are making cheese out of wine,"
0:23:03 > 0:23:06we'll all be like, "Oh, yeah, sounds like he's right,
0:23:06 > 0:23:07"he presents Robot Wars."
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Just because I present Robot Wars...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Just because I go,
0:23:11 > 0:23:15"Carnage defeated Eruption," you can make butter from wine.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:19 > 0:23:22OK, at the end of that round, points go to Ed, Kerry and Nish.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25CHEERING
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Now we've come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31so if everyone can make their way
0:23:31 > 0:23:33over to the performance area, please.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what
0:23:36 > 0:23:37our panellists can come up with.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:45 > 0:23:49And this week, an unlikely entry at Number Ten - it's the DUP!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Well, I had a curry last night,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56so I'd imagine it's going to be an absolute nightmare.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58And that's the end of the shitting forecast.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05And next, the last night of the Proms.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Although they do say that every year, so I'm calling it bullshit.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Oh, me hip. Innit cold? Aren't the police younger than they used to be?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18You're listening to Sounds Of The '70s.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Tonight on Drivetime, I'm on a lovely one, beautiful tarmac.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34In traffic news,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38we're sharing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Let's go over to our eye in the sky. Mark. Mark?
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Mark?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Welcome to Drivetime with me, Richard Hammond.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50And now... Argh!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53APPLAUSE
0:24:54 > 0:24:56And today on Women's Hour,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58we are not going to discuss the menopause. Only kidding!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Is it me or is it hot in here?
0:25:00 > 0:25:01I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Well, until tomorrow morning,
0:25:05 > 0:25:09this is John Humphrys saying shut it, mofo, I will wreck you.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Later, we'll be talking about the new craze of taking ecstasy
0:25:16 > 0:25:17then having sex on your back.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Coming up whilst coming up, that's coming up.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24APPLAUSE
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Three dads, but who will get the kidney transplant?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Welcome to Pick Of The Pops.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34APPLAUSE
0:25:34 > 0:25:37And now, the paper review. A4's still smashing it.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42APPLAUSE
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Here are the headlines - a lorry has just reversed into the studio.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00You're listening to Radio Three.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Ooh, someone's got ideas above their station.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10And we interrupt Gardener's Question Time not for any particular reason,
0:26:10 > 0:26:12we just thought you might be bored.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19And now on LBC, some soothing whale music.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Nah, just kidding, it's people shouting at each other.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28And now the shipping news. Your parcel has been dispatched.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Well, it's time for requests now on hospital radio.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Jeff in ward three says, "Can you shut the fuck up?
0:26:38 > 0:26:39"I'm trying to get some sleep."
0:26:39 > 0:26:42APPLAUSE
0:26:43 > 0:26:44OK, the next topic is...
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Phwoar!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Now, you may feel a little prick, so no change there, eh, Jeremy Hunt?
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Could you just urinate into this cup, please?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14APPLAUSE
0:27:15 > 0:27:17And if you just pop your clothes off, sit down there with
0:27:17 > 0:27:20everyone else and the doctor should see you in about half an hour.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Mr Jones, I'm going to need you to have more fibre in your diet,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29because my hand's completely stuck.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Unfortunately, due to NHS cutbacks, I'm afraid we're going to
0:27:36 > 0:27:40have your diabetes seen to by our new consultant, Dr Pepper.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47And if I can just insert this end of the camera into your colon,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49and that should hold it steady while I take a selfie.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59I have seen some cervixes in my time, but yours is a belter.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Would you mind if a student sits in?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08He's a geography student, never seen boobs before.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I am happy to be able to tell you that that unsightly lump
0:28:15 > 0:28:17on your breast is Calum Best.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Hello, John, thank you very much for coming on Embarrassing Bodies.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Now, if you could just... Whoa, what the fuck is that?!
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Well, the test results are back.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33I failed. I'm not a qualified doctor.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Well, the bad news is you're going to have to take one of these tablets
0:28:41 > 0:28:43every day for the rest of your life.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46The really bad news is I'm only giving you three.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54I'm afraid to say you've only got about four weeks left.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55I'm really sorry, Theresa.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59APPLAUSE
0:29:01 > 0:29:04First, I'm going to insert my finger in your rectum...
0:29:07 > 0:29:08Is this your card?
0:29:13 > 0:29:16OK, so, we got your urine sample in.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18I thought it was quite citrusy with a hint of mango.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25So sorry, I think I've run out of latex gloves.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Do you mind if I use this one I got when I was
0:29:27 > 0:29:28in the audience at Gladiators?
0:29:33 > 0:29:36OK, I'm just going to test your reflexes.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Release the leopard!
0:29:40 > 0:29:42APPLAUSE
0:29:42 > 0:29:44So, just spread your legs for me.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46I'm aware you came in for a sore throat,
0:29:46 > 0:29:47but it all joins up, doesn't it?
0:29:49 > 0:29:53At the end of that round, points go to Gary, Hugh and Angela.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55CHEERING
0:30:00 > 0:30:01And that's the end of the show.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05This week's winners are Nish Kumar, Kerry Godliman and Ed Gamble.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Commiserations to Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:30:15 > 0:30:16Actually, do you know what?
0:30:16 > 0:30:19We never do this, but you've both been really good panels
0:30:19 > 0:30:22and so we've got Freddos for you all!
0:30:22 > 0:30:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Yay!