0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News Of The World, News Of The World!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News Of The World, News Of The World! #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Joining me this week are Milton Jones, Ed Byrne,
0:00:39 > 0:00:44and Romesh Ranganathan, Nish Kumar, Hugh Dennis, and Angela Barnes.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:00:54 > 0:00:55what is happening.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58So, what's going on here?
0:00:58 > 0:01:02I've no idea what it is, but Barry Gibb has let himself go a bit,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04hasn't he?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I just went in the portaloo and there was a shit this big!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Is he saying, "Everyone likes me.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15"I've just seen Barry Gibb and he speaks very highly"?
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Come on, we've all done it.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21We've all taken a pill when we should have taken a half.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26More likely, he's probably going, "Please, please, help me!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29"I cannot find my tent!"
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Is he saying, "As you can see, I don't trust the press,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36"by the state of my shirt"?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I reckon he's going, "Come on, Theresa!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47"I'll show something strong and stable!"
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Not... No, I didn't mean... - Hang on. Yeah...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Is it Corbyn furious at narrowly losing seat to drum kit?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01There's a drum kit behind him. If you're not going to...
0:02:01 > 0:02:04If you're not going to look at the pictures properly,
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I can't help you, all right?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- And there should be a drummer behind that drum kit.- Yeah.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12But they had to go because of Tory cuts! To drummers!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- So that's just a- symbol- of Tory cuts.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17AUDIENCE GROANS
0:02:17 > 0:02:22By the way, that only worked cos I set up the drum kit earlier.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Anyone got a clue what actually it is?
0:02:28 > 0:02:32It's Jeremy Corbyn speaking at the Glastonbury Festival.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Indeed, it is, Ed Byrne! Thank you very much.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37APPLAUSE
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Yes, this is a picture of Jeremy Corbyn at the Glastonbury Festival.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43The Labour leader was in Somerset to deliver speeches to
0:02:43 > 0:02:46tens of thousands of revellers at the event.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49How did he get on? He was one of the hits of the festival.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- Absolutely smashed it.- You say that, he didn't do an encore.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57I'm just saying. In 2012, when I did the Cabaret Tent...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I'm not saying I'm a better person than Jeremy Corbyn...
0:03:02 > 0:03:06It was a crowd of about 60,000 people, wasn't it?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Diane Abbott said 20.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Not 20,000. Just literally 20 people.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I'm sad they didn't go full Glastonbury
0:03:16 > 0:03:19and do the thing where they put glitter in their beards at festivals. Have you seen that?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Grown men walking round festivals with their beards full of glitter.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25My boyfriend wanted to get it done. He's got a beard. I said, "Don't you dare.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30You go down on me once, I've got a vajazzle I never asked for."
0:03:30 > 0:03:31I always have glitter in my beard,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35but that's only so that people can differentiate me from Romesh.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Really delighted to be on the show with him
0:03:38 > 0:03:42because it can finally dispel the rumours that seem to be going
0:03:42 > 0:03:45around from people who come up to me in the street that I am Romesh.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Also, Nish, you're sitting in my seat.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52So you'd better have some pretty weird stuff.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Cos I'm stuck here with the travel presenters.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Yeah, going on your holidays with the BBC!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Nish, there's worse people than Romesh to...
0:04:03 > 0:04:08Since I've been doing this show, I have had Janet Street-Porter,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12I've had the bird from the Chase, and Olive from On The Buses.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I've had all of them as well.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Quite the swordsman!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I was looking at the reaction of the crowd to Jeremy Corbyn
0:04:25 > 0:04:26and I thought - you bunch of sheep!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29And then I realised I was looking at the wrong field.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34It was... There was a lot of Labour people there.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Tom Watson always goes. Tom Watson appeared.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Tom Watson looked like a chimney sweep.- I've seen... Yeah.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Somewhere there is a steam train without its driver.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51He looks like he's just discovered the Jacamo website
0:04:51 > 0:04:53and ordered everything.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57They just rolled him through Jacamo and whatever stuck,
0:04:57 > 0:04:58they gave him that.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02John McDonnell, he did a speech on one of the smaller stages as well.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Don't you hate that - when you go to Glastonbury and your politicians clash!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09He said in his speech if Theresa May is watching Glastonbury this
0:05:09 > 0:05:12afternoon, we are ready for another election.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Can you imagine Theresa May watching Glastonbury? She hasn't got time.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19She's googling - how can I be more human?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22She did it with Alexa, but alarmingly,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Alexa replied in exactly the same voice that she has.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28And it freaked her out.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Maybe she went to the Platitude Festival.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37A bit of politics from you, wasn't it?!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Change your chair and the whole philosophy changes!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42This is the new me! Come on!
0:05:43 > 0:05:47This photo looks like the two finalists in the Gnome tribute act.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Eavis has been mouthing off about what Corbyn said to him in private.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- I think that's a bit...- It's possibly a bit rude. What did he say in private?- Eavis has come out
0:05:56 > 0:05:59and said that Jeremy Corbyn has said that he is going to scrap Trident.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03We're supposed to be surprised by that. We all know that he's been a member of CND,
0:06:03 > 0:06:08and I think basically, he does think they should scrap Trident. I think they should scrap Trident.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09I think we just don't tell anyone we have.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11That's what you do, innit? Scrap Trident.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Sod it, tell them we've built a Death Star, doesn't matter.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- A secret Death Star.- I'm with Corbyn. We don't need Trident as a nuclear deterrent.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20We've got the best nuclear deterrent there is.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23And that is we owe all the other countries shit loads of money.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25They're not going to nuke us,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28it'd be like wonga.com nuking a council estate.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32It's not that amazing what he said. What did he say?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36I'm going to be the Prime Minister in six months and I'll scrap Trident. People at Glastonbury are
0:06:36 > 0:06:39off their tits. Half the people are saying that. Do you know what I mean?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I tell you what, I'm gonna scrap Trident, bruv.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Trust me. I'm gonna scrap the shit out of Trident.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51- Honestly, Trident ain't gonna know what's hit it, man.- You can be the Prime Minister out there,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53but who's the Prime Minister in here?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Cos think about it, the Prime Minister,
0:06:58 > 0:07:03that's a minister that can only be divided by one and itself.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07And you can't be divided by yourself,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09if you really know yourself.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Man, let me tell you something. Man, listen.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19There's only one Trident I care about, man, and that is the Trident of self-esteem.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- That's what I... - So, we've all been there.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Erm...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I tell you what, I'm coming up right now.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Piers Morgan tweeted saying, "Oh, I'd like to see Jeremy Corbyn
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"address the crowd at Royal Ascot," and he's absolutely right.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37There was nothing in there for horses. He said nothing...
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Royal Ascot is just people fighting.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43That's all Royal Ascot was, people throwing punches, having scraps.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Tommy Robinson was there. - Tommy Robinson.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48This is how bad my expectations of Tommy Robinson are, right?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50So I read that he got into a massive fight,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52beat this guy to the ground at Ascot.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55And then they showed the footage and he was fighting a white guy
0:07:55 > 0:08:00and I genuinely though, "Well, he's making progress." Do you know what I mean?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- I was pleasantly surprised it was a white man.- Good for you!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06It's such a pleasure to be talking about Tommy Robinson on what
0:08:06 > 0:08:10is undoubtedly his least favourite episode of Mock The Week ever.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Two of them?! Two of them?! I told you this would happen!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19They're winning! I tell you, they're winning!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22You can't both win, you're on different teams.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25No, we're on the same team, mark my words.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Don't get it twisted, white woman.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Oh, Ed, remember when we were the exotic ones?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Oh, those were the days, when we were the ethnic minority.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Not any more.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Is it just me or does Ed Sheeran sound like a rural hairdressers?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Always bringing it back to the music, Milton.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02People complaining about the music. That seems to be the Glastonbury tradition.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07People do get very angry. People get very angry any time there's a sort of rap act
0:09:07 > 0:09:09anywhere high up the bill.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12People get very upset, but I was delighted to see Stormzy there
0:09:12 > 0:09:16because he is from Croydon, as am I. And Croydon is nailing it right now.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19We've got Stormzy, we've got Kate Moss, and we've got the number
0:09:19 > 0:09:22two British Asian stand-up comedian in the country.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27I know my place. Even my mother recently described me as a poor man's Romesh, so I know.
0:09:27 > 0:09:32Listen, mate, if you dream of being a poor man's Romesh, you better wake up and apologise!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39OK, erm...
0:09:39 > 0:09:42This is what they want, us to fight amongst ourselves.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45We must stick together, brother!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Any minute now we're going to break out into some sort of dance.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Oh, yeah.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:59 > 0:10:02With respect, you have a stupid ethnic dance.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10OK.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14I had to go to the doctors recently. I have restless leg syndrome.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I had a sleep study and they filmed me sleeping at night and
0:10:17 > 0:10:20a consultant wrote me a letter that said that watching me
0:10:20 > 0:10:23sleep was like watching horizontal Riverdance.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Horizontal Riverdance sounds alarmingly sexual!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31That was actually my chat-up line in the '90s.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Would you like to do some horizontal Riverdance?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Are you enjoying it? Are you enjoying it?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Are you enjoying it?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Yeah? Yeah!
0:10:45 > 0:10:48APPLAUSE
0:10:48 > 0:10:53SINGS RIVERDANCE THEME
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Lord of the Horizontal Dance!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00At the end of that round, the points go to Nish, Hugh and Angela.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03APPLAUSE
0:11:05 > 0:11:11Now, we play a round called I'm Corbyn Up, So You'd Better Get This Labour Party Started.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15This game involves Angela and Milton, so if you can make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:19 > 0:11:23one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25OK? Here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27The first subject is kids.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Oh, yeah. I'll have that.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I don't have any kids myself.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35People think that when you say you don't want kids, it's cos you hate
0:11:35 > 0:11:38kids and I don't hate kids, I just don't trust me to keep one alive.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Cos I've never had the broody urge.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I do understand biological urges, it's just that mine
0:11:44 > 0:11:47have mostly been for carbs.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50And babies are famously protein-based.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54You get to my age and it's weird, people are obsessed about whether or not you're going to have children.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I went to see my doctor recently about something completely
0:11:57 > 0:12:00unrelated and he said to me, "You do know, Angela, if you were
0:12:00 > 0:12:05"to have a child now, you'd be what we call a geriatric mother."
0:12:06 > 0:12:08He's dead now.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10He said, "Why don't you get some eggs frozen?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14"Why don't you freeze some eggs and if you change your mind further down the line, they're there?"
0:12:14 > 0:12:17And I thought about it and then I thought, "Do you know what?
0:12:17 > 0:12:22"Whenever I've frozen something, it's gone a bit shit."
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I don't want my children to be the human equivalent of a ready meal.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30What about when little Findus and Sara Lee go off to school?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33And they get taught about the birds and the bees, are they going to get
0:12:33 > 0:12:37taken into a separate room and told, "Your mum went to Iceland?" No.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Cos there are loads of reasons for not having kids. Right, here's one.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Now, ladies in the room you can vouch for this.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47As a woman, you get your bits looked at all the time.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Now, every time a nurse or a gynaecologist has had a look
0:12:49 > 0:12:54at my bits, they have told me, and I quote, that I have a lovely cervix.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57I grew it myself.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Now, I don't know what that means, but I do know that in my life,
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I have been told my cervix is lovely way more than I've been
0:13:05 > 0:13:06told my face is.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Way more, I am buggered if I'm going to ruin the most complimented
0:13:11 > 0:13:13part of my body by shoving a baby through it.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17I am literally beautiful on the inside.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20And that's how I want it to stay.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Well done, Angela Barnes. APPLAUSE
0:13:27 > 0:13:30OK, that leaves Milton. Let's see what you've been left with.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35And the topic is relatives.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44My grandfather, he would never ever throw anything away.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47But he died in the war, holding on to a hand grenade.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55My other grandfather, he's got a metal plaque on his forehead,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57dedicated to a park bench that died.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04My other grandfather...
0:14:06 > 0:14:10He did a walk across Great Britain for everyone without
0:14:10 > 0:14:11a sense of direction.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14He went from Land's End straight into the sea.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20My sister, she was told to stop eating wheat.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24But she ignored that advice and was run over by the combine harvester.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30My other sister and her friends,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I took them round a poultry farm recently.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Not the hen night she was expecting.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Tricky, isn't it,
0:14:39 > 0:14:43if you've got to text someone that one of their relatives has died
0:14:43 > 0:14:45and your name is Lol?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53May he rest in peace.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Lol.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01My other grandfather...
0:15:02 > 0:15:05He's doing a walk across Great Britain for all those who
0:15:05 > 0:15:07have got a sense of direction.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Well, he was until the calf injury.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Not old enough to take his weight, according to the RSPCA.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20At the end of that, the points go to Angela Barnes.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- On the board are six categories. Romesh, which category would you like?- Politics, please, Dara.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37OK, cool. You've chosen politics. The answer is:
0:15:37 > 0:15:39What is the question?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42How many Asians will Britain First report were on this
0:15:42 > 0:15:45episode of Mock The Week?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Is it how many grandfathers have I actually got?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Is it the number of British pounds you can now get for 10 euros?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Is it the number of people who watch Love Island
0:16:03 > 0:16:05and should therefore be culled?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Is it, after Brexit, what apparently will be the annual
0:16:11 > 0:16:13salary of the average British fruit picker?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Is it what factor sun cream did Ed Sheeran wear at Glastonbury?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Is it how many wasps could overcome the population of Basingstoke?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I think they'd put up a good fight though, you know?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- Yeah. Dorking?- Not so much.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Is it how many fake Grindr accounts have been set up in the name
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Tim Farron?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Is it, what is now the salary of the DUP's cleaner?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Is it the number of my children's fidget spinners that I've
0:16:49 > 0:16:51deliberately broken?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Anyone know what the correct answer is?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Is it how many wasps could overcome the population of Guildford?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- Are you just going around...? - The M3 corridor.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Woking.- Yeah.- That's next. - Absolutely, yeah.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I think the actual correct answer is -
0:17:09 > 0:17:13how many EU citizens are currently living in the UK?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19APPLAUSE
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Yes, the question I was looking for was approximately how many
0:17:22 > 0:17:24EU citizens are living in the UK?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27This is the news that Theresa May made what she called a fair
0:17:27 > 0:17:30and serious offer to EU leaders to protect the rights of
0:17:30 > 0:17:33EU citizens in the UK after Brexit.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- But how did the European leaders react?- They loved it.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Yeah, they did. As they're loving everything about Brexit.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43As should we all. We all have to get onside, Brexit's great.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- Every week, yay!- Dara, I don't want any more of this sarcasm from you.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- It's not!- So much sarcasm.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I watched Andrea Leadsom on Newsnight and she told us
0:17:51 > 0:17:54the broadcasters have to be more positive about Brexit.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58So we've got to start doing more positive Brexit...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Like - why did the chicken cross the road?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02To escape Eurocrats.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German went into a pub.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08The Englishman left early without paying his bill
0:18:08 > 0:18:10and with no sense of how he was going to get home.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11He is a legend!
0:18:11 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Theresa May told them all about this offer to EU citizens at a dinner
0:18:17 > 0:18:20and then she wasn't allowed to stay for the discussion after
0:18:20 > 0:18:24- the dinner cos she's no longer part of it, right?- Yeah.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27It's terrible cos you know that they'll all have gone,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30"Bye, Theresa, lovely to see you. Yeah. Bye-bye. Bye.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32"Loser."
0:18:32 > 0:18:35She described it as being constructive.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38No-one has ever described anything as constructive,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40unless it's gone really badly.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43No-one's ever gone, how was the wedding? Constructive.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47In other news, what can now be taken in larger quantities on some
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- flights from Italy?- Cocaine.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52No.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Uh-oh.- It's pesto.- It is pesto.- Ah!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56How much can you bring on, do you know?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- 500ml, isn't it?- 500 grams.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- 500 grams, yeah.- Or two jars of 250.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03If you measure it in grams and it isn't a liquid...
0:19:03 > 0:19:07I wasn't doing a maths joke, that's the actual rule.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I wasn't going, "Oh, by the way, you can divide 500 by two."
0:19:10 > 0:19:13So it's normally 100ml you can take through.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Why have they done that then?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18They've done that because they sell pesto.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- It's actually proper Genoese pesto though.- Yeah, Genoese. - Just through one airport?
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- It's not through the whole of Italy. - Yeah, it's just through the airport in the pesto producing
0:19:26 > 0:19:27area of Italy.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Presumably, it's because every tourist comes through
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Genoa Airport and goes, "Oh! I bought some pesto."
0:19:35 > 0:19:38And they just go, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry,"
0:19:38 > 0:19:41and you're left there with a choice of, "Well, screw you..."
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Argh!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Darling, go and get me some penne.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I don't care... Crunch, crunch.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56You can't just allow it because loads of it's coming through.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01- They have decided that they're allowing it.- We're getting so much cocaine coming through this airport,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03let's just allow it. Do you know what I mean?
0:20:03 > 0:20:08I am over this cocaine thing! All right? Just go!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Go!- People standing at the gate just being like... Argh!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Argh!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Mad! Cocaine and pesto!
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Wait, get me the pesto, get me the cocaine, just smash it in my mouth.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Darling, get me some penne.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Presumably, you could do it for anything else.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Can we do it for salad cream? - I was thinking more Branston pickle.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I don't know, what are the authentic...?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Branston pickle's not a liquid, is it?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- It depends. - It's as much of a liquid as pesto.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Dara, you're the science guy. - As a scientist, er...
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Branston pickle - liquid, solid, or gas?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I honestly... I wouldn't know Branston pickle if you put it past me
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- on a conveyor belt. - Even if it said "Branston Pickle"?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I'd probably pick up on a clue like that.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04That would be the shittest episode of the Generation Game ever!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07A jar of Branston pickle!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Come on!- I must remember that one!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Last week, we talked about Freddos and we got Freddos.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15I hope a runner's gone out to get some Branston pickle for me now.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Oh, God! I am not eating pesto with my finger! Argh!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Pesto! Pesto!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Moving on, what might car horns sound like in the future?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I like this story. I only passed my driving test a year ago.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I'm a fairly new driver.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33So the story is that they want to change...
0:21:33 > 0:21:36They think that horns are too aggressive.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39So they want to change it to sound like a duck.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I do agree that horns are too aggressive cos there are times
0:21:42 > 0:21:46when you don't want to say - Oi! You just want to go - Sorry, my bad.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49And I want one that sort of goes - "Sorry!"
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- It should be like a dual flush. - Yeah.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58You want kind of a language where it goes - Wargh! And Wo-wee!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Yeah!
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- Wo-wee!- Like Close Encounters. Oo-ee-oo-oo-ehhh!
0:22:08 > 0:22:12There's some cars in India where my family is from but I'm not, please
0:22:12 > 0:22:17don't deport me, some of the horns play like a full Bollywood song.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20So it's really hard to get a message across cos it'll be like
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- do-do-do-dal-dal-dal!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Unhorn! Unhorn!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Unhorn? You can't unhorn.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31If I've learned nothing in life, you can't unhorn!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Once I've started that horizontal Riverdance, I cannot unhorn.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I can't unhorn! I can't unhorn!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42I saw an unbelievable piece of road rage where a taxi was
0:22:42 > 0:22:44sort of going out in front of a guy
0:22:44 > 0:22:46and I can't remember whose fault it was,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49but the taxi just went in front of this guy who was trying to cross
0:22:49 > 0:22:52the road and he just instinctively smacked the window with his hand.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54He was just really angry.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57And the taxi driver got out and just went, "Oi!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00"If you ever bang my cab again, I'll bang you!"
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Bang you so hard! And I can't unhorn!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11At the end of that, the points go to Milton, Ed and Romesh.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so
0:23:18 > 0:23:22if everyone can make their way over to the performance area. I'll read out this week's topics,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27OK, here we go.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31The first subject is:
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Here we are at Warwick Castle, home of one of the biggest
0:23:38 > 0:23:42scandals in British history - four quid for a pencil sharpener!
0:23:44 > 0:23:49It was a wooden horse. The soldiers of Troy had been deceived.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51They would never bet on the Grand National again.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58So it turns out that Henry VIII
0:23:58 > 0:24:02is actually some kind of medieval hoover.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Here's an easy way to remember Henry VIII's wives, divorced,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16beheaded, munter, fit, milf.
0:24:21 > 0:24:27Henry VIII divorced her, dried her and kept her in a tiny jar.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28It was a fitting end
0:24:28 > 0:24:29for Catherine of Tarragon.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41And if you want to see what this place looked like 200 years ago,
0:24:41 > 0:24:42then you probably voted Leave.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49The story of his marriage is simple.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- Julius- Caesar,- Julius marries her, Julius dumps her.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01In 2068, the UK was allowed to rejoin
0:25:01 > 0:25:05the EU on condition that it change its name to Very Sorry Land.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12And as we unearth this skeleton, what becomes clear and what we
0:25:12 > 0:25:16have learnt is that I should have found a deeper hole to bury my wife.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Martin Luther King had a dream, about being naked and riding a camel
0:25:25 > 0:25:29made of ice cream, but we don't hear much about that dream, do we?
0:25:32 > 0:25:37What was life like for a typical Roman soldier around 200 BC?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41No fucking idea.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52"How are your parents?" shouted Cromwell across the battlefield.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56And the king replied, "They're very well, thank you.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59"Isn't the weather nice for this time of year?"
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It was Civil War.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Oi, oi! You slags! History! History! History!
0:26:11 > 0:26:15My name's Danny Dyer and this is Britain's Oldest Bricks!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20They called him Edward the Confessor, but he was
0:26:20 > 0:26:24not as popular as his brother, Steve the What Goes On Tour Stays On Tour.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33They ravaged the land, taking over vast areas,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36with the catchphrase, if anyone can, Genghis can.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44As they ceased to exist over 200 years ago,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47it was impossible to know what Southern Rail was,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49until yesterday when one of their trains finally arrived.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56OK, the next topic is:
0:27:00 > 0:27:03From acclaimed director Ridley Scott, Alien 7:
0:27:03 > 0:27:05It's Just Fucking Ruined Now.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Nigel Farage buys a guesthouse in Spain, how will the locals react?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Find out in Casa Wanker.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Katie Hopkins meets up with seven of her friends in The Hateful Eight.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34God, I wish you'd become a lawyer. Nish Kumar stars in The Mummy.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41He was a man, she was a woman.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43To cut a long story short,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45the end.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Vin Diesel stars as a man angry about premature
0:27:52 > 0:27:55ejaculation in Fast And Furious.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02A woman with a past, a cop with a secret.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05A plumber with a shoe, a dog with a cold.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07A hairdresser with a Rubik's Cube.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Coming this summer, Random Things With Stuff.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24Theresa May's up to her old tricks again in the May Trix.
0:28:33 > 0:28:38Thor, Iron Man and the Hulk visit IKEA in Avengers Assemble.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Russell Crowe stars as a man who devours his wife
0:28:46 > 0:28:50and is then really pleased with himself in Glad 'E Ate 'Er.
0:28:54 > 0:28:59This is the story of the last man in Nazi Europe with a foolscap folder.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Saving Private Ryman.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09A documentary about the losing of the Tory majority,
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Gone In 60 Seconds.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20A woman calls an election and then disappears from her own
0:29:20 > 0:29:23campaign in Wonder Where The Fuck She Went Woman.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32This summer, the ultimate battle for supremacy in Kramer vs Alien
0:29:32 > 0:29:35vs Predator vs Batman vs Superman vs Kramer.
0:29:38 > 0:29:43Why didn't you become a doctor? Nish Kumar in Daddy's Home.
0:29:46 > 0:29:51The Boy Who Cries Wolf III. Honestly, this one is a real film.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02Oi, hands off the.. Hands off the.. Keep your hands off the chocolate!
0:30:02 > 0:30:05We are the Guardians Of The Galaxy.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Milton, Ed and Romesh.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:30:16 > 0:30:18And that's the end of the show.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20This week's winners are Milton Jones, Ed Byrne
0:30:20 > 0:30:22and Romesh Ranganathan.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Commiserations to Nish Kumar, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35APPLAUSE
0:30:37 > 0:30:40# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:43 > 0:30:46# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:48 > 0:30:51# Read all about it
0:30:51 > 0:30:53# Read all about it
0:30:53 > 0:30:55# News of the World
0:30:55 > 0:30:56# News of the World! #