0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:21# News of the world
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:29# News of the world
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:33APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Hal Cruttenden, Zoe Lyons and Ed Byrne,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Welcome. Welcome.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54We start tonight with a round called Picture of the Week.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:00:56 > 0:00:59what's happening. So what's going on here?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05That looks like Michael Gove easing himself onto a hard Brexit.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Maybe it's just so simple - a poor person has just walked in the room.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11He's gone...
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Is this what happens when you wake up
0:01:15 > 0:01:17and you realise that you're Michael Gove?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I think he's realised that wasn't just a fart.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27He looks like a haunted Pez dispenser.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Could you imagine if you bought a blow-up doll,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35and you took it home and blew it up, and it looked like that?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I reckon what you can't see behind it
0:01:40 > 0:01:42is Boris just stabbing away at him in the back.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46He's just had a fantastic idea, that's all.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48He's just had a moment of political epiphany.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"Wait! I know! What if we ruined everything?"
0:01:53 > 0:01:57- Can anyone tell me exactly what it is?- Yes, it's Michael Gove.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Yes, it is. Thank you very much.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Yes, this is a picture of Conservative MP Michael Gove.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10He was in the news this week after he suggested that the Government
0:02:10 > 0:02:12should lift the public sector pay cap whilst pressure
0:02:12 > 0:02:16mounted on Theresa May and Philip Hammond to ease austerity.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17A number of them have said this.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Apparently Boris Johnson has said this.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21What makes it unfortunate about the timing that they're
0:02:21 > 0:02:24suddenly calling for a lifting of the public service pay cap?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Because it's about a week after they voted against it.- Yeah!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30And it seems like very empty words at this stage.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34It is almost as though this Government haven't got a clue
0:02:34 > 0:02:35what they're doing.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- ZOE:- It's almost like a sat nav sort of leading the country
0:02:39 > 0:02:42at the moment, and it's stuck on, "Make a U-turn where possible."
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It's an amazing decision to give Minister for the Environment
0:02:46 > 0:02:49to someone who looks like they've never been outside before.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54He does have a look of the sickly Victorian child.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Yeah, he looks like he drowned in a well.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02He's going to clash with May, though, isn't he?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Cos he's also Minister of Agriculture, isn't he?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07So he's got to stop her running through the wheat fields.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I feel uncomfortable to pick all the time on the way he looks
0:03:11 > 0:03:14cos, you know, he can't help that, it's his policies that are ugly,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16not just the fact he looks like Pob's dad.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20What else has he announced this week?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Well, basically, we're stopping foreign fishermen
0:03:23 > 0:03:25coming into our inshore waters
0:03:25 > 0:03:29so they can't scoop up our nappies and our turds.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35British turds for British beaches!
0:03:37 > 0:03:42"I think you'll find that is a British shopping trolley, Senor!"
0:03:42 > 0:03:46What I imagine now is that if I was in charge of a European trawler now,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I would take it right up to the edge, about 12 miles,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50and I'd have loads of fish food
0:03:50 > 0:03:53and I'd just dump it in the sea so all the fish come across...
0:03:57 > 0:03:596-12 months, that's all it is.
0:03:59 > 0:04:016-12 months in the kind of environment
0:04:01 > 0:04:03in which fish can move very easily.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07We've kept ourselves a very small strip, haven't we?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- We've essentially given ourselves a fishing Brazilian.- Yes, yes.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I think they're going to police it by stopping the foreign boats
0:04:14 > 0:04:17coming in by having Gove out on a rock somewhere
0:04:17 > 0:04:22- just in a pair of Speedos like that. "Oh, my God!"- What, like a siren?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Michael Gove lying across the rocks
0:04:24 > 0:04:27luring Spanish fishermen to their deaths?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30# Ooo-ahhhh! #
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"Oh, my God, look at that disappointing blow-up doll!"
0:04:35 > 0:04:37"No matter...
0:04:39 > 0:04:40"Pedro!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:45It feels like it's going to be one of those episodes! "Really, Pedro?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"One of those episodes?" "Si, Senor."
0:04:49 > 0:04:52That's, of course, your character who is from the country of Foreign.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Yes.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56What else did he say, by the way?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58What did he say about graduates and university educations?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01He's raised the possible question of we should maybe discuss
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- tuition fees.- They're just sort of grabbing a lot of Corbyn's popular
0:05:04 > 0:05:06policies from the election, aren't they?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08We're about a week away from Theresa May announcing
0:05:08 > 0:05:11she wants to put more money into Stormzy.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14It's funny, cos you'd almost think we should have had, like, a few
0:05:14 > 0:05:16weeks ago, maybe some big event where everybody could have
0:05:16 > 0:05:19laid out their policies.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21APPLAUSE
0:05:24 > 0:05:27We'll wait. September, October, there'll be another one.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29It all begins again.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31What, by the way, is Theresa May reportedly prepared to do
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- if Brexit negotiations don't go her way?- She's going to storm out.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- She's going to storm out?- If she's not happy with the negotiations,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39she's going to storm out.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42It's like they spent 12 months saying, "We cannot reveal our hand,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44"we must not let the other side know what we're going to do
0:05:44 > 0:05:48"and then we're telling them that we're going to storm out."
0:05:48 > 0:05:51It's almost as though this government haven't got a clue
0:05:51 > 0:05:53what they're doing.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Knowing Theresa May, no matter how much she plans it in advance,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59she'll end up storming out, accidentally walk into
0:05:59 > 0:06:02the stationery cupboard and have to stay in there for three hours.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05That's exactly what happens when you try. I've never had a successful storm-out.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I once stormed out after an argument with my boyfriend -
0:06:07 > 0:06:09we were in a pub, and I stormed out.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And then I realised I'd left my handbag and my keys on the table
0:06:12 > 0:06:15and there's nothing worse than having to storm back in again.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Did you do the, "And another thing!"?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Also, they wanted to be hard-headed and cold-eyed, and you think,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25"She does that very, very, very well."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27In fact, every morning, her aides have to come in
0:06:27 > 0:06:31and carry her out onto the lawn so that she is warmed by the sun.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Is she on a warming rock? She's on a warming rock!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38She's on a little warming rock.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Slowly her internal body temperature is rising.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43She does have a look in her, in that very photograph,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46like she's looking at the sun, going, "Ah, you are my enemy,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"but also, I need you, I need you."
0:06:49 > 0:06:52It's Despicable May.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:06:56 > 0:06:59There is a thing where it's like a marriage, where,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02if you leave and storm out, you do lose everything. That's the thing.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05If I left my wife and go, "Right, I'm going. Goodbye.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"But you get the house, you get the kids, you get the money..."
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Is that how you're choosing to do it on Mock The Week?- Having said
0:07:10 > 0:07:12that, my wife's Northern Irish
0:07:12 > 0:07:15so she's recently come into quite a lot of money.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24OK, moving on. How has Jeremy Corbyn tightened his grip on the Labour Party?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- Oh, he wants to get rid of the moderates. Indeed, yes.- He does!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Corbyn is moving towards a hard Brexit. Who would he get rid of?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Do you know?- He's purged the moderates, hasn't he?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Purged the moderates. - He's purged them.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35But if they repent,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38he'll allow them to work on a collective allotment or something.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41It feels pretty hypocritical, though.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46Cos, as an MP, he defied the whip, like, over 400 times
0:07:46 > 0:07:49and now he's getting angry with people for defying the whip.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53That's like Adele firing her tour manager for calling in sick.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55GROANS
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I think somebody had tickets.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- ANGELA:- A lot of people are worried, aren't they,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03with the new Shadow Cabinet that they're very...
0:08:03 > 0:08:06sort of inexperienced. I just sort of think, "Well, they're the Shadow Cabinet,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09they can't really do anything." It's like worrying that you've got
0:08:09 > 0:08:11an inexperienced air guitarist, you know.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15APPLAUSE
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Come on, John, you could kill somebody with licks like that!
0:08:18 > 0:08:22I think he's just in a bad mood cos he's on a come-down
0:08:22 > 0:08:24from Glastonbury.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27You think he needs like a V Festival or something just...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yeah, just to bring him back down, level him back out.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- Yeah, yeah, yeah.- Exactly, yeah. - Cos he probably came back and he was all high from people chanting
0:08:33 > 0:08:36his name and he's like, "No-one's chanting my name any more."
0:08:36 > 0:08:38And he'd look down sadly at the wristband he's definitely left on.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Do you know the toilets at Glastonbury? They've got...
0:08:41 > 0:08:45You sit on this thing and it's got a thing on the door saying, "Do you know what?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"One in three people in the world don't have a toilet."
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I'm thinking, "Well, lucky bastards. I'd rather shit in a field than be..."
0:08:50 > 0:08:53You know you're going into a bad toilet when there's a sign
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- on the door reminding you that other people don't have toilets.- Exactly.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- It was a bit like that. - I open shows going,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"You know, some people don't even have access to comedy."
0:09:04 > 0:09:06APPLAUSE
0:09:08 > 0:09:11At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Zoe and Hal!
0:09:13 > 0:09:18Now we play a round called Trumpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall. This game...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20SNIGGERING AND LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:22..involves Angela and Hal.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34OK. Here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- This first subject is growing old. - Oh, I'll have that.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- Who wants to come in on that? Angela.- Cool.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I recently turned 40, and I want to reassure anyone younger,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45turning 40 is really easy.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48My friend turned 40 recently, she made a bucket list, right.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50She said to me, "You've got to make a bucket list."
0:09:50 > 0:09:53And I said, "Do you know what I hear when I hear bucket list?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"I hear admin." They're always so ambitious, aren't they? It's like,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"Oh, I want to go to the Taj Mahal, I want to swim with dolphins."
0:09:59 > 0:10:02The only thing I could think of that I genuinely would want to
0:10:02 > 0:10:06put on my bucket list is that one day - one day -
0:10:06 > 0:10:10I'd like to put half a packet of biscuits back in a cupboard.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12APPLAUSE
0:10:15 > 0:10:16But getting old...
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Growing old in this country looks scary and it's looking scarier and scarier.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21You know, by the time I get to old age,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24there won't be care homes any more, will there?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26There'll just be an OAP Rescue Centre.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Something like Battersea Dogs Home.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31This idealistic young couple will come in,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34they'll get shown around - "This is Maud, she likes knitting,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"gardening, casual racism, why don't you take her home?"
0:10:37 > 0:10:40That's what it'll be. We have to worry about these things!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42We do, cos we're all living longer, aren't we?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45There's so many 100-year-olds in this country now the Queen's
0:10:45 > 0:10:48had to get a Moonpig account to keep up.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52This is my plan for old age.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54If I get there, right, if I get to my 80s,
0:10:54 > 0:11:00I am going to spend every single day doing class-A hard-core drugs.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Why wouldn't you, right? You don't have to get up in the morning, do you?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06You'll never have trouble finding a vein.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I'll tell you something,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10you might not be able to afford to heat your bungalow,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12but I bet you can afford to heat a teaspoon
0:11:12 > 0:11:15and then you won't give a shit how cold you are.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16No-brainer, isn't it?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Angela Barnes.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23So, that leaves us with Hal.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Let's see what your topic is, let's spin the wheel.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- The topic is nationality.- Oh, yes!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Um, well, I'm English, obviously, which is rubbish, isn't it?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37No-one likes us. If you...
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I follow England at rugby, at football, everywhere we go,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43we get booed. Everybody else boos us.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And, my wife, Northern Irish, boos me in bed. That's the truth.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51It's like, "Oh, you're rubbish, get off! You English are crap!"
0:11:51 > 0:11:53"It's not all English people, it's just me."
0:11:53 > 0:11:57I was actually doing a gig in Scotland a couple of years ago in
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Glasgow and I said to a roomful of Scottish people, "Is it true
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"whenever we play football, you support the opposition?"
0:12:02 > 0:12:04And they all went, "Yeah, yeah, we do!" I said, "Do you know what?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08"We'd do the same to you, we just never know when you're playing."
0:12:08 > 0:12:12But I happen to think that sort of anti-English thing
0:12:12 > 0:12:14and with Brexit means the UK is finished.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Eventually, in my lifetime, the UK is going to break-up.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20As I've said, I was a passionate Remainer when it came to Brexit.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Or Remoaner or - my favourite one -
0:12:22 > 0:12:25a sneering member of the metropolitan middle class liberal elite.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I love being called that. I love being called elite.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31It makes me sound like... We're sort of super troops, you know,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33that go around the area in a van keeping it bourgeois.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36We all screech to a halt, we jump out,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39we take up our favourite yoga position immediately.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45"That cafe's no longer serving decaf soya lattes! Destroy it!"
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"Say that word, say that word!"
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"Kwin-noa...?" "It's quinoa, you bastard!"
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Thank you very much! Well done, Hal Cruttenden!
0:12:54 > 0:12:59At the end of the round, points for both of you! Come on back.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Our next round is called,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06"If this is the answer, what is the question?".
0:13:06 > 0:13:10On the board are six categories. Hal, which category would you like?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- I would like World News, please. - OK, your category is World News.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16The answer is...
0:13:16 > 0:13:18What is the question?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Is this what Jeremy Corbyn wants the voting age to be reduced to?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Is it, in his dreams,
0:13:26 > 0:13:30how long would each of Dara's science specials last?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32APPLAUSE
0:13:35 > 0:13:40- You love the science.- I feel that there's a lot we can all learn.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45Is it how long does every minute feel like if you're Melania Trump?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47AUDIENCE GROANS
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Is...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51LAUGHTER
0:13:51 > 0:13:53APPLAUSE
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Is it how long did it take me
0:13:54 > 0:13:58to actually find the exit once I'd bought my tea lights in Ikea?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Is it how long till Julian Assange makes another vertical
0:14:03 > 0:14:07scratch on the wall of his embassy bedroom?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11APPLAUSE
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Is it how long is the time between my mum's two-part text messages?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Is it how long do you have to come up with evidence before the DA
0:14:23 > 0:14:25busts your ass?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Is this from the new action movie Strangely English Cop?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- UPPER CLASS ACCENT: - I'll bust your ass!
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- UPPER CLASS ACCENT:- I'm terribly sorry to hear your arse is in a sling. I...
0:14:41 > 0:14:45We'll have to take that straight to the lord mayor!
0:14:45 > 0:14:49How long was Jeremy Corbyn awake at Glastonbury after taking what
0:14:49 > 0:14:52he thought was an aspirin?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Does anyone know the correct answer? - The correct answer is...- Yes?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59How much warning, apparently, are we going to get,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01before Donald Trump comes on a visit to the UK?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10This is news of a gap in his diary that means that the President
0:15:10 > 0:15:14could drop in and visit Britain sometime in mid July.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Can I say, "President Trump could drop in," is the best euphemism
0:15:17 > 0:15:20for, "I'm about to fart," I've ever heard.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Is the short notice supposed to cut down on the likelihood of protests?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Yes, I'd imagine.- He's really underestimating the British public.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37We do not need anything more than 24 hours to buy some eggs,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40write "Prick" on a placard and drive to Scotland.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I'm actually going to be in America, I think, when he's coming over.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52I'm going to America next weekend and so I had to fill in my...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- You know the ESTA thing? - ESTA form, yeah.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55I had to fill it in today
0:15:55 > 0:15:57and they now ask you about your social media
0:15:57 > 0:16:00and your online presence on it
0:16:00 > 0:16:03and I'm really worried cos I've got an account with Mecca Bingo.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10The mainly reason he's going to Scotland partly to visit the
0:16:10 > 0:16:14golf courses, partly to do his bi-annual Irn Bru bath just to...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19..bronze it up again.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22When he gets to Scotland, though, he's going to...
0:16:22 > 0:16:25He'll presumably visit Hadrian's Wall, won't he?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28And then Tweet about how this has successfully kept Mexicans
0:16:28 > 0:16:30out of Scotland for...
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Yeah, how has Trump himself dealt in fake news this week?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37It's a false Time magazine cover, isn't it?
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Yes, he put up fake Time magazine covers in five of his clubs.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43This, which was framed,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46with "Donald Trump is a television smash" written on it.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48And then, if you go to the barcode, actually,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51if you scan the barcode, it just sends you directly to
0:16:51 > 0:16:55a website that allows you to create your own fake Time magazine covers.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56What... What is the point of that?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- He's actually been on the cover of real Time magazine!- Yes.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02It's like you mocking yourself up in front of the Mock The Week
0:17:02 > 0:17:05logo going, "I told you I was on the show!"
0:17:05 > 0:17:08In that photo, he looks like he's absolutely determined to have
0:17:08 > 0:17:10very pointy orange eyebrows.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16For a man who gives out about fake news,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19and had this ridiculous thing up, it is kind of offensive, really.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21It's something I expand upon, actually, quite a lot
0:17:21 > 0:17:26in an interview I did recently with Woman's Heath magazine.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I have to say, at first, I was disappointed there wasn't
0:17:38 > 0:17:43an article about me, but then I spotted "Killer Abs! On the Loose".
0:17:43 > 0:17:46It's something I discuss quite at length, in an interview
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I recently did with Classic & Sports Car magazine which I...
0:17:51 > 0:17:56You'll see these... It's just a thing I have on the wall at home.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59How many of these did you do?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Oh! That makes you look like Vladimir Putin. Oh!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09That is, may I say, your Photoshop skills ran out.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Dara O Briain,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15How I've Learnt To Ride A Horse Despite My Heavily Broken Neck.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I cannot see to the front and yet I can still jump the fences!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25No, put me back on the horse, I wish to ride again!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30In other news, how might doctors greet us in the future?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34They want to get rid of the handshake because it spreads germs.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- Yes.- So, they are suggesting other ways to do it such as the fist bump.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42- Yeah.- Because they feel that doctors aren't respected enough.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46They feel that this would command a great deal more respect.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49The fist bump is a bit aggressive and I wouldn't want to hear
0:18:49 > 0:18:53the word fist bump if I went into my GP surgery.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58- Hand conkers is a nicer term. - Hand conkers?- Hand conker. - Oh, that's nice.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Yeah, as a man, I don't want to hear hand conkers.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05They could avoid contact altogether by just doing
0:19:05 > 0:19:08the high five, scuba dive!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10But, a lot of the time, this is a time
0:19:10 > 0:19:12when you've come out of surgery
0:19:12 > 0:19:15and the family are there. The thing about the handshake
0:19:15 > 0:19:18is that it can be both a happy thing, a respectful thing,
0:19:18 > 0:19:23it can be sad - fist bumps really... They don't carry off bad news well.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Boom, oh-ho!- Yeah...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31It doesn't really work.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I just sort of thought, imagine if you went to a fertility clinic
0:19:37 > 0:19:39and you were told by the doctor that the motility of your sperm
0:19:39 > 0:19:43was such that you were infertile and then he went, "Down low, too slow."
0:19:45 > 0:19:46APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I think a good system might be to shake your doctor's hand
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- based on the look of the person who was in there last.- Yes.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Like, if someone comes out scratching his nuts,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03it's probably just a stiff nod and a "hello" today.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Patient presented with weird Napoleon Complex, refused to
0:20:07 > 0:20:09take hand from jacket.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Is that a Dictaphone or are you smoking a pipe?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16That's your doctor impression!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I am at a conference of other doctors discussing
0:20:18 > 0:20:21an interesting patient I had!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Do you know what gets me about doctors?
0:20:23 > 0:20:24I think what is difficult about them
0:20:24 > 0:20:27is that they are so grown-up about embarrassing things. Aren't they?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30But they are like, sort of, you know, pop your trousers on the chair
0:20:30 > 0:20:32and we'll do the rectal examination. They're very...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Wouldn't it be easier if they were more like us, just really going,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37"You're not going to believe what I have to do to you now.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41"You are not going to believe it. I can't see you any more, you're going
0:20:41 > 0:20:44"to have to see someone else, it's just, you know..." It'd be fine.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I went in for an appendicitis thing and this was
0:20:47 > 0:20:50when I was in my mid-20s and the girl came in to do it,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54the junior doctor came in, and I knew her cos I was in my 20s
0:20:54 > 0:20:56and she was in her 20s and it was near the university that
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I went to and it was kind of a...
0:20:59 > 0:21:03- And she said, I have to do a rectal exam now.- I bet she didn't have to!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06And it was, "OK, let's never speak of this again."
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Actually, they do have to. It wasn't as though she saw me
0:21:08 > 0:21:12and went, "You arsehole, I'm going to do a rectal exam with you now.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15"I have been waiting for this moment for many years.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19"Oh, hit your head in the snow, did you? Well, rectal exam for you, man."
0:21:19 > 0:21:23I remember going to my GP to discuss having a vasectomy, and
0:21:23 > 0:21:25she said, "I can't talk to you about this on your own,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"I need to discuss this with your wife, as well.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- "Cos this affects her too." And I'm like... - HIGH-PITCHED:- .."They're my balls!"
0:21:31 > 0:21:35That high pitched, though, which really rather...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37"But they're my balls!"
0:21:37 > 0:21:39And she just gives me this doctory look like,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42"We get a lot of men in here thinking it's their balls."
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"You are merely the keeper of the balls,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53"I need to discuss this with the owner of the balls.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57"Can you have her come down at her earliest convenience, please?"
0:21:57 > 0:21:58I once dated a doctor,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01but you need to be way more impressed than that because girls
0:22:01 > 0:22:04like me don't get to date the doctor unless that's their prison nickname.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08And I knew it was...
0:22:08 > 0:22:11At one point, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, he said, "Have you been a naughty girl?"
0:22:11 > 0:22:16I said, "Yeah, I drink too much, I don't exercise and it's been ten years since I've had a smear.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I've had a circumcision.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23If we're all just giving up info, we all may as well
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- just lay it on the line, right?- But did you have it as a little baby?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- 23.- Jesus! That's the real thing.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32My bit of info is that the last time I did have a smear,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I got recognised from this show.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- Well, if you will keep getting your bits out on the show... - Was it... Was it...
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Did they pop up and go, "Love you on Mock The Week, by the way."?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46My thing...is...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:48 > 0:22:51It's OK, Hugh, you can do this, man, it's all right.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I know I am a very good friend.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56I have known my doctor for a long time. So, I...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I went in once cos I'd...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01It was the same thing as you and I had to have things pushed
0:23:01 > 0:23:04up where the sun doesn't shine and all that.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06And I asked for the diagnosis afterwards and I said,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08"Well, is it polyps?"
0:23:08 > 0:23:13And he went, "Well, frankly, you've just got a very tatty arse."
0:23:16 > 0:23:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:20 > 0:23:23And at the end of that round, the points go Angela, Hugh and Ed!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so
0:23:31 > 0:23:33if everyone could make their way over to the performance area.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:35 > 0:23:38and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Yoga, it's just stretching for twats.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Hello, I'm Dara O Briain.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57APPLAUSE
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Welcome to Fitness With Theresa May. I'm Amber Rudd.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I'm going to make you sweaty and breathless.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I've turned the heating up and hidden your inhaler.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I'd like you to raise your arms to here.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23And then to here, and then to there.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27OK, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take away your disability benefits.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35And remember, guys, pain is temporary, except for Tony
0:24:35 > 0:24:38who got one of his nuts caught on the trampoline springs.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44This isn't going to work, is it?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47You can't even be bothered to leave the house.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52CHEERING
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Stretch and release, stretch and release.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Welcome to the penis-enlargement workout.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Can you feel the burn?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Then I recommend cranberry juice.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I never used to fit into this dress.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14But, now I've had my penis removed...
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Oh, yeah, you can feel the burn.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32These used to be my trousers until I discovered the secret.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Buying smaller trousers.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Next, I'm going to show you my pecs. There are thousands of them.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I got assaulted by a chicken.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49OK, let's work on those more unsightly areas.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Bums, tums and Croydon.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57OK, now we're going to watch a Carry On film
0:25:57 > 0:25:59so you can work on your "Corrr".
0:26:04 > 0:26:07And remember, girls, when it comes to weightlifting,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11what we're really looking for is a nice clean snatch.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Go on, just stretch. Reach for your toes. Reach for them.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Imagine your toes are made of chocolate, you fat fuck!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29OK, the next topic is...
0:26:31 > 0:26:34He pressed his lips to hers and slid his tongue in.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37"That's not how you're supposed to do it," shouted the other paramedic.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44He was everything a woman wanted in a man.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48He was 47, greying, chubby, slightly camp.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59He kissed her breast...tenderly. "Oi," she said.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01"Get your own KFC bucket!"
0:27:06 > 0:27:09"Mr Darcy is the most eligible bachelor in the county,"
0:27:09 > 0:27:12said Mrs Bennet. "And he's hung like a fucking carthorse!"
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Everything was in place.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22The bubble bath had been poured, the chocolate was there,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24the scented candles had been lit.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27This was going to be the best wank ever.
0:27:32 > 0:27:38He put the chocolates down beside her. Silence.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40And then at last she spoke.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"Unexpected item in the bagging area."
0:27:49 > 0:27:516'2" and with shoulders so broad,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54they looked like they could carry the weight of the world
0:27:54 > 0:27:56and a full, lustrous moustache.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Rebecca really was an unusual-looking lady.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07He took her by the hand. "It's wonderful to see you again.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11"The country air becomes you. Bosom still heaving, I see.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14"Shit, did I say that last bit out loud?"
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I need to hear you say it again.
0:28:19 > 0:28:24Why? Why do you love me, Alexa?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31He had never had a menage a trois before,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33let alone with two famous brothers.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37They drove her wild all night with her cries all night of,
0:28:37 > 0:28:39"To me, to you, to me, to you, to me!"
0:28:41 > 0:28:43CHEERING
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Sophie looked absolutely beautiful in her flowing wedding dress.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Admittedly, it was an odd choice to wear on a first date.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57When they left the bar, she saw him in a new light.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Daylight, and he was disgusting.
0:29:06 > 0:29:07LAUGHTER
0:29:11 > 0:29:13I want to see you shit in this bin.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:25 > 0:29:28That...does fulfil the criteria.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Christian Grey turned to her and said,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37"I'm going to make you feel pain like you've never felt before."
0:29:37 > 0:29:40And he put Ed Sheeran's Galway Girl on repeat.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48As he gently removed her bra, she whispered,
0:29:48 > 0:29:50"Why are you wearing my bra?"
0:29:55 > 0:29:58"Oh, Mr Darcy, you're so becoming." "Really?"
0:29:58 > 0:30:02he replied, "Cos I think it's you that will be coming!"
0:30:05 > 0:30:08At the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Ed!
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And that's the end of the show.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21This week's winners are Hal Cruttenden, Zoe Lyons and Ed Byrne.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes!
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.
0:30:36 > 0:30:41# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:41 > 0:30:45# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:47 > 0:30:52# Read all about it Read all about it
0:30:52 > 0:30:56# News of the world News of the world. #