0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it!
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the World! News of the World!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Read all about it!
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# News of the World!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# News of the World! #
0:00:32 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Nish Kumar,
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Tiff Stevenson and Ed Byrne,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Picture of the Week.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54I show the panel a topical image
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58So, what's going on here?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I can tell you exactly what that is.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04That's the bloke who runs America - talking to President Trump.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Is Trump saying, "No, I said you gave me an ELECTION!"
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Is Trump saying, "I genuinely thought you and the meerkat
0:01:18 > 0:01:20"were the same guy"?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I can't imagine the conversation is going very well
0:01:24 > 0:01:26because Vladimir Putin doesn't speak very good English
0:01:26 > 0:01:29and Donald Trump also doesn't speak very good English.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31LAUGHTER
0:01:31 > 0:01:34It looks like a before and after for one of those hair restoring clinics.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36LAUGHTER
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- RUSSIAN ACCENT:- He's saying, "This is what they used
0:01:38 > 0:01:40"when I had my prostate exam!"
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Is he saying "So which journalist do you want me to have killed?"
0:01:46 > 0:01:48AUDIENCE GASPS
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Clearly went too far with that one.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I didn't realise this was a pro-Putin audience.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:01The shocking, anti-Putin bias at the BBC!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05This is political correctness gone mad!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08RUSSIAN ACCENT: This is political correctness gone mad.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:10 > 0:02:13For a second, I considered going for the accent and I pulled out of it,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17and when I heard you do it I was like, "Good decision, Kumar".
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I think you can do the Russian accent, yeah.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- RUSSIAN ACCENT:- Do you really think so?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Oh, no, I can't.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Is it Trump saying,
0:02:26 > 0:02:31"I can with Viagra but all that comes out is a weird-smelling dust?"
0:02:31 > 0:02:33He's probably just going...
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- RUSSIAN ACCENT:- Look into my eyes,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I did not hack American Election.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:41That's Sesame Street!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47AS THE COUNT: Who has one thumb and did election?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48This guy!
0:02:50 > 0:02:54This is the first annual meeting of the We Are Definitely Not Bald Club.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Oh, and what a tedious meeting that would be.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:07 > 0:03:09OK, is anyone going to tell me what it actually is?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13It's Vladimir Putin meeting Donald Trump at the G20.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Thank you very much, Nish Kumar, you're absolutely right.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Yes, this is a picture of US President Donald Trump
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and Russian President Vladimir Putin
0:03:24 > 0:03:27meeting at this week's G20 Summit in Hamburg.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30How did it all go? Did you enjoy the G20 this year?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31This particular meeting there,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34for a first date, this one seemed to go very, very well, didn't it?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Yeah, it did, yeah. Trump came out immediately afterwards
0:03:37 > 0:03:38and was like... "He did, he did?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Well, it was Pride weekend.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Why not, it's the G20.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47You know it has that effect on people.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Is that what the G stands for?!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Gay 20, yeah. The 20 biggest gays.
0:03:52 > 0:03:5420 biggest gays in the world!
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Sorry, Tom, but please tell me - how does one measure the biggest gays?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Do they host that at Camp David?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:10 > 0:04:14But Trump immediately emerged after the conversation and said
0:04:14 > 0:04:18"Oh, I've talked to Putin about the hacking, and he didn't do it".
0:04:18 > 0:04:20And you go, "That's not how anything works."
0:04:22 > 0:04:25It would be like my six-year-old saying,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"I asked my Daddy if he let me win that running race,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30"and he said he didn't.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"He said he was running as best he could
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"and I won the running race because I'm fastest."
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- That cleared up. - I... I was fastest.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:44You love the age difference, don't you?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46You just do.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Got to have an angle somewhere, mate.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49It's very, very difficult, though,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51for Donald Trump to admit that the Russians interfered
0:04:51 > 0:04:53in the American election
0:04:53 > 0:04:55cos the only reason the Russians would have done it
0:04:55 > 0:04:57is they know, that by getting him elected,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00they would turn America into a laughing stock and a disaster.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Which is why the Russians didn't interfere in our election,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05because they know that we can do that all on our own.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:10 > 0:05:12He said that he'd questioned him.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Twice, I think he said, he'd questioned whether they'd interfered
0:05:15 > 0:05:19in the election and Putin said, "We do not interfere in this election,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23"we will not interfere in the next election which YOU WILL WIN!"
0:05:23 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Can you just imagine, though,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29if Donald Trump actually did say to him,
0:05:29 > 0:05:30"Did you hack our election?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"Were you involved in meddling in our election?"
0:05:32 > 0:05:34You can just imagine Putin just looking at him going
0:05:34 > 0:05:36"How thick are you?!"
0:05:36 > 0:05:39"We had this conversation, you asked us to do it".
0:05:39 > 0:05:41LAUGHTER
0:05:41 > 0:05:43It's coming out and they're now saying that, you know,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45this is the first time there is something concrete
0:05:45 > 0:05:47that might lead to Trump's impeachment.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50But what I love about it is the innocence of people
0:05:50 > 0:05:53thinking if he gets impeached he's going to leave.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Like, this doesn't end with him walking out,
0:05:56 > 0:05:58this ends with him on the roof,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00holding Melania like King Kong
0:06:00 > 0:06:04and bi-planes speeding towards The White House
0:06:04 > 0:06:07just thinking, "Well, this was always going to go down this way".
0:06:08 > 0:06:11The meeting was apparently 2 hours and 16 minutes long,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14and everyone finds that ridiculous, what were they up to?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16And I don't want to make assumptions
0:06:16 > 0:06:19but 2 hours 16 minutes is the exact running time of Shrek 3.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:27I think, in fairness, we know which one's Shrek and which one's Donkey.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Is that why Melania had to break it up?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32They literally had to send Melania in.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37Poor Melania, she is literally waiting just for him, like he's 71,
0:06:37 > 0:06:38he's on a bad diet, isn't he?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40He's worth a lot of money.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43She's just going to grease the stairs and shout "Fire!".
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Definitely, you know, you can see her
0:06:45 > 0:06:47every time she makes a public appearance
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- she's like...- IMITATES:- "Hello, I'm Melania, I speak five languages,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53"I know how to say 'help me' in all of them."
0:06:53 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Who did Trump get to fill in for him at some of the G20 meetings?
0:06:58 > 0:07:02It was bring-your-daughter-to-work day at the G20, apparently.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Yeah. Ivanka sat in on some of the meetings.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07But I think it's all a bit unfair because, you know,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10what Trump did is no different to what Obama did.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12He was also replaced by "Awanka".
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I like to think they were talking about global warming
0:07:20 > 0:07:21and then she just went...
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- VALLEY GIRL ACCENT:- "I've got a really nice range of sandals
0:07:24 > 0:07:26"that can help you with that."
0:07:26 > 0:07:28That's how she talks.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30That's how everyone American talks.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Like they're running out of batteries.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Moving on, how did Theresa May get on at the G20?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40She got on very, very well.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- Did she?- I tell you why she got on well.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46It's because, at the moment, she's under a lot of pressure
0:07:46 > 0:07:48so Philip Hammond, for example,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51has said that the economy should be at the centre of Brexit,
0:07:51 > 0:07:52it should be a soft Brexit.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56But Donald Trump has promised her a very quick trade deal
0:07:56 > 0:07:57with the United States,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00and it will be quick because negotiation will be very quick.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02They will say, "Will you accept irradiated beef,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"vegetables full of hormones?"
0:08:04 > 0:08:07And we will say, "Hungry..."
0:08:07 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Do you have any croissants?
0:08:16 > 0:08:17I remember croissants,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19but my children have never eaten croissants.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20I described them to them once.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22There was pastry everywhere.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25It was, oh.... I want some cheese, I want some cheese!
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Not Cheddar.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:29I always feel, as well,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32like Theresa May and Donald Trump have a slightly...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34She seems like a sort of school ma'am,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36she seems like a nanny to him, which I imagine he'd respond well to.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Like, "No Donald, no Donald, no.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39"We are not going to misbehave,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"we are not going to have a travel ban, are we?
0:08:41 > 0:08:42"If you misbehave, I don't care,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"I will pull your pants down
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"and I will smack your bottom in front of all these world leaders.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"What's going to happen is, I'm going to make some scones,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"I'm going to give you some sugar paper and some crayons
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"and you're going to draw us a very nice trade deal.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55"Aren't you, Donald?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57"And if you don't behave yourself,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00"you can go to Mrs Merkel's office, you won't like that."
0:09:00 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I can imagine if Theresa May and Donald Trump
0:09:06 > 0:09:07ever have dinner together,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Theresa May cuts his meat up for him.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Trump has said he's going to come to the UK.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Right, he cancelled it before and now he's said he's going to come.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Now he's not telling us when he's going to come so we can't protest.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20It's like when you get told like the Sky man's coming round
0:09:20 > 0:09:22so you've got to wait in between 8 and 6.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24That means you can't have a wank
0:09:24 > 0:09:26because you don't know when he's coming.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27LAUGHTER
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Who has Theresa May called on for help this week?
0:09:29 > 0:09:30- The Labour Party.- Yes!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32She said can they help her deliver Brexit.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35That is definitely a trap.
0:09:35 > 0:09:41That is her going, "Come over here, Labour, and help me with Brexit.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42"I won't blame it on you".
0:09:42 > 0:09:44LAUGHTER
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Her asking Labour is just more evidence
0:09:46 > 0:09:48that Jeremy Corbyn did win the election.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Now he gets to have a say, right?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52He gets his own chant, and thanks to that messed up high-five,
0:09:52 > 0:09:53he got to touch a boob.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"It's all win for me", he said.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Sure he's "messed up!"
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I'd love to be in that meeting where she says to him like,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08"So Jeremy, Jeremy, have you got any ideas?"
0:10:08 > 0:10:10And he goes, "Oh, yes," reaching into his hemp briefcase going,
0:10:10 > 0:10:15"Oh, yes, I have got an idea, yes. It's this."
0:10:15 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:29OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Tom, Hugh and Rhys.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Now we play a round called I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Vladimir.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:40This game involves Tom and Nish.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55The first subject is...
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Politics. Oh, Nish.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01So, we're living through a real period of political instability,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03both here and in America.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06And in the last couple of months, some unlikely saviours have emerged.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Tony Blair is considering a return to front line politics
0:11:09 > 0:11:13and Chelsea Clinton is contemplating a run for the senate in 2020.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18And to those people, let me just say this - maybe just leave it.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19LAUGHTER
0:11:19 > 0:11:22If you want to turn your public opinion around,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24the way to do it is philanthropy, right?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25And let's look at someone
0:11:25 > 0:11:28who has turned their public opinion around through philanthropy.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Look at Bill Gates, right.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Bill Gates, for the last 15 years, with his wife, Melinda,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33has spent all his time
0:11:33 > 0:11:35trying to fight the spread of infectious disease.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I don't understand the science behind what's going on.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39From what I can tell,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Bill Gates is trying to bribe AIDS to fuck off, right?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:47And we like him for that, but in the '90s, we hated Bill Gates
0:11:47 > 0:11:48because of the paperclip.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Basically, there was a paperclip and you'd turn on Word
0:11:51 > 0:11:53and the paperclip would appear,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55and it would ask you if you were writing a letter,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57but you weren't writing a letter so you were like,
0:11:57 > 0:11:58"I hate you Bill Gates!
0:11:58 > 0:11:59"I'm going to buy Mac forever".
0:11:59 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:03And there are people genuinely putting their money
0:12:03 > 0:12:06where their mouth is in regards to philanthropy.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Look at JK Rowling.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11We all need to be very nice to JK Rowling from now on,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14because she may be about to be all we've got economically.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17We have no manufacturing sector,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20our service industry is being driven by mass migration from the EU.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22After Brexit, our entire economy
0:12:22 > 0:12:24may depend on the adventures of a fake wizard
0:12:24 > 0:12:27that technically ended in 2007, right?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30We've got the play, we've got the films, we've got the film tour,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32can we do a play tour?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35JK, please write another book, Wales is sinking!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Maybe something about Harry trying to get his finances in order
0:12:38 > 0:12:41in his 30s, like Harry Potter And The Mystery Of The Fixed Rate ISA?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Thank you very much, Nish.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51OK, that leaves us with Tom.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Now the topic is family.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Oh, OK, fine.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I did that run very well, didn't I?
0:13:01 > 0:13:06So affording your own home is very difficult in today's climate.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Recently, I've been forced to live with a couple.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Er, they're called Dad and Mum.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:16And one thing that my parents' friends all like to let me know
0:13:16 > 0:13:19is that they are down with the poofs.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:25They are down with the poofs, they love the poofs, I'm gay,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I don't know if I needed to explain that.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Well, I say I'm gay, I hardly find the time.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I mean, I'm a Gemini as well, but they don't get a parade.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39The thing is, their friend, Les, wanted to come over and talk to me
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and Les comes over and he says,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43"Oh, Tom, I've got to tell you, I've got to tell you, right,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"my brother, right, my brother, he is gay now."
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Gay now? I mean it sounded like he'd done an evening class
0:13:49 > 0:13:52and become a pilates instructor.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53So he's, "Oh, yeah, my brother,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"he's gay now and he was ever so worried about telling me,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57"ever so worried about telling me."
0:13:57 > 0:14:00He said, "Oh, I've got to tell you, Les, I'm gay, Les, I'm gay, Les.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I thought, "Gay les"? That's complicated, isn't it?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- LAUGHTER - I didn't know you could be both.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07He said, "I'm gay, Les, I'm gay, Les."
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"And I just said to him, Tom, I just said to him, 'Oh, don't worry, bruv.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12" 'There's one on every bus' ".
0:14:12 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Which I thought was a very confusing thing to say,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19because as far as I'm concerned, all the gays I know use Uber.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22LAUGHTER
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Thank you very much, Tom, well done.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27At the end of the round, the points go to Tom Allen.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28APPLAUSE
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Our next round is called,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35If This is the Answer, What is the Question?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36On the board are six categories.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Tom - which category would you like?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39World News, please.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41So if your category is world news.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44And the answer is 580 miles.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46What is the question?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Is it how far the Proclaimers now have to walk
0:14:50 > 0:14:53to see their partner now they've been priced out of Aberdeen?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Is it, according to my estate agent, how far can I throw a stone?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Is it how far wide of the mark everything Piers Morgan says is?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Is it the closest Anne Marie Morris has ever been to a person of colour?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:15:20 > 0:15:22What is the average distance
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Melania Trump has maintained from Donald since he became president?
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Is it, what would count as an inconveniently long penis?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Inconvenient in what way, though, Hugh?
0:15:36 > 0:15:41How far can one dragon fly on a stomach full of children?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:46That was way darker than I expected.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Is it the furthest Theresa May has ever travelled
0:15:48 > 0:15:50without performing a U-turn?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Ooh, I can do topical, guys!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Don't think I'm just a silly old gay.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Is it, if you took out your intestine and laid it out flat,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03how far away would I move from your house?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:13Is it, if 580 miles were laid out - end to end...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Is it, how far away can Donald Trump Jr get
0:16:21 > 0:16:24before they reach the end of the sentence, "Open up, it's the FBI"?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:27 > 0:16:29OK, does anyone have the correct answer?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Is it how far a North Korean missile has travelled?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Yes, this week, thank you very much, Nish Kumar.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Very good.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43"How far did North Korea claim their latest missile travelled
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"when they conducted a test-launch last week?".
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Experts from the US-based Union of Concerned Scientists
0:16:49 > 0:16:54suggest the missile could travel 6,700km, far enough to reach Alaska.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57The Union of Concerned Scientists!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00That sounds like a party bunch, doesn't it?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I doubt there's very much chemistry, there.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08APPLAUSE
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Well, yeah, they're next door to The Union of Blase Scientists.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14So, they're kind of like, "Come on, it's Alaska, what?
0:17:14 > 0:17:15"Some salmon?"
0:17:15 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Do you think if it reaches Alaska, though...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Because it's got the ice there already,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24do you think they could form like a Baked Alaska?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26And have a big meringue over the top,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29if they could just flood it with jam, it would be delicious.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31He should let them fire it at Alaska.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33It's going to save them a fortune on fracking.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:36There is a lot of focus on Alaska.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Obviously, because it's mainland America...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40But it's rubbish, isn't it?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Is that what you were going to say? Who cares?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Sarah Palin's there.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47That was not the point I was going to make about poor Alaska.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"Oh, it's just Alaska, for God's sake".
0:17:49 > 0:17:51"Oh, roar, I'm a bear".
0:17:51 > 0:17:53EXPLOSION SOUND "Who cares?"
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Call me when it hits one of the good ones.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Do you think we should be worried about it, though?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I mean, you're the science guy.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Obviously, as we've discussed many times.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04So how dangerous is an ICBM.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Is it 1950s technology?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Is it like, they have in fact perfected the Goblin Teasmade?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10It's quite... How dangerous is a nuclear weapon?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Meh! Quite dangerous!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER
0:18:14 > 0:18:18On a scale of stubbing your toe to LOTS of people dying,
0:18:18 > 0:18:22it's more within the higher end of that rather than the lower end.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23How does it work, though?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Why does it have to go so high?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28It went 4,700 km up or something, didn't it?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Well, it would get caught in the trees, wouldn't it?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31LAUGHTER
0:18:33 > 0:18:34It's just a test.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37You just pop it up and bring it down.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38And equally, at Halloween,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40you could take the fireworks that you have in your garden
0:18:40 > 0:18:42and rather than sending them straight up,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44you could just fire them straight at your neighbour.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46You could just do that.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50You could just go, "Arrghhh", this is for that big Leylandii tree.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Phoosh! Just straight at the window, right.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57"This is for not giving me back my lawnmower". Phoosh!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59The kind of discussions
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I'm sure you always have with your neighbours.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Well, my neighbours are 580 miles away, so I don't...
0:19:06 > 0:19:07There he is, look at him.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Found the right way round.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Looking the right way round.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14I think he's just checking that his uncle is still tied to the missile.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16He's watching Love Island.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20And he was delighted with himself.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22There he is!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Thrilled. That guy is like, "Oh, I live another day".
0:19:29 > 0:19:32That guy is absolutely hedging his bets on how the missile test goes.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37Cos he's like, "This is either I surrender, or yayyyyy."
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Do you agree with me that pinstripe
0:19:39 > 0:19:41is very much the thing for watching a missile test?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It's very slimming if you're sort of carrying a bit of weight here.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46It can really bring your waist in
0:19:46 > 0:19:48and I think it's the de rigueur outfit
0:19:48 > 0:19:51for launching a ballistic missile.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53If you're planning... If you want to, "What shall I wear?
0:19:53 > 0:19:54"I'll ask a gay friend.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56"He says pinstripe."
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Do you think,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01in the event of whether or not he has any gay friends
0:20:01 > 0:20:03and we'd imagine, no, right.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Do you think, the fact that he's wearing pinstripe
0:20:05 > 0:20:10means that somebody had the nerve to go to Kim Jong-un and go,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13"Maybe if one were to be carrying a little bit of weight..."?
0:20:13 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER
0:20:14 > 0:20:17"I'm not saying you are, I'm not saying you are,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20"I'm just saying it would be quite slimming in that situation".
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I'm not sure he's got that, because that same person, presumably,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25would have looked at his hair and been like,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"Yeah, that's absolutely fine".
0:20:27 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Anyway, meanwhile, what are the government ministers
0:20:32 > 0:20:34cracking down on - genuinely cracking down on this week?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36People claiming insurance claims
0:20:36 > 0:20:38for getting food poisoning while on holiday.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Yes.- Because it's time for that to stop.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Who was aware that we needed to draw a line in the sand on that one?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Who woke up this morning and went,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49"Too many people are claiming falsely
0:20:49 > 0:20:51"that they got sick when they were on holiday".
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Apparently it's rife, this claiming back for illness on holiday.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56And the reaction is 50% of people going,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"That's terrible because that surely goes back
0:20:59 > 0:21:01on to our insurance costs and 50% of them going,
0:21:01 > 0:21:06"You can do that? I wasn't aware you could do that".
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Remember, remember, Brenda had that dicky tummy round about day 3.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13That would be worth a few quid, wouldn't it?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I once saw a list of complaints to Thomas Cook,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19and my favourite one was from a woman in Surrey who said,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22"I want to complain about my holiday in Barbados.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"It took us eight hours to get home."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER
0:21:27 > 0:21:32"It only took the Americans three hours to get home".
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Apparently, if you get caught doing this...
0:21:36 > 0:21:37- Yes.- ..you can go to prison for three years.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Imagine the conversation, "Oh, what are you in for?"
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"I murdered my family, what about you?"
0:21:42 > 0:21:44"I pretended to have diarrhoea in Zante
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"so I didn't have to pay for a Steak Frites".
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- ED:- Is it all people doing it just for insurance
0:21:48 > 0:21:50or is just that classic British holiday-maker thing
0:21:50 > 0:21:53of drinking 15 pints and then claiming the fact that
0:21:53 > 0:21:56you're puking your ring on the prawn cocktail you had?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Did you just say "puking your ring?"
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Puking your ring, yeah.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Irish colloquialism. - It's an Irish phrase.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Never heard that, puking your ring.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05What does it mean? Is it something to do with Lord of the Rings?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08You puke so hard your own arsehole comes up and out through your mouth.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:14APPLAUSE
0:22:14 > 0:22:17It's a rich culture, the Irish. Rich culture.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Far too rich if you're puking like that.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22We are a witty and loquacious people.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26You should hear my father simply describe every fart he lets.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29"Mm. You could knit that one".
0:22:29 > 0:22:31You know, that kind of thing.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"Mm. You won't get that out in a cold wash".
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Oh, it's like Ulysses, isn't it, really?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45It's amazing when the Irish Tourist Board used that
0:22:45 > 0:22:48as one of their things.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Come for the landscape.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52It's not just the music and the mountains people come for.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Parp!
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Big Ed's bumholes.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58There's eating and drinking in that one.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Mm. That one came out with its boots on.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Where a fart isn't just a fart.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Ireland.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Yeah, a little...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Oh, you don't play panpipes.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- I was about to say panpipes. - Panpipes?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16What do you think we are?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Mexican Irish.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Welcome to Ireland. PLAYS PAN PIPES
0:23:24 > 0:23:25It's Peru!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30You'll have come from the lakes of Killarney, won't you?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33PLAYS PANPIPES
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I was about to say the penny whistle
0:23:35 > 0:23:37doesn't actually make any noise.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40No, the penny whistle is more of a Bolivian thing.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Buenos Dias. Tootle-toot!
0:23:44 > 0:23:48At the end of that, the points go to Ed, Tiff and Nish.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50APPLAUSE
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55So if everyone can make their way over
0:23:55 > 0:23:57to the performance area, please.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58I'll read out this week's topics,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Things a Sports Commentator Would Never Say.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Eight no balls in a row.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Usual enough for the Women's 100m final.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Rory McIlroy is on the green.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20He holds the baby lamb aloft.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22This is for an eagle.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:28APPLAUSE
0:24:28 > 0:24:29They think it's all over.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31It is now, I'm dead.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37And the Russian champ beginning her floor routine now.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Running, running, running,
0:24:39 > 0:24:40big jump and a tumble and a little tumble,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and then rolling around and a little bit of swirling as I...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45To be honest with you, I normally do the darts.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Joe Root's up now for England.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51He's quite cute, isn't he?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53He could spend a couple of hours at my crease.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:24:57 > 0:25:01And at the end of that match it's 0-0,
0:25:01 > 0:25:05but it doesn't matter because both teams are just such lovely people.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06LAUGHTER
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Well, there are three horses in it.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12This is the worst sausage I have ever had.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:16 > 0:25:18And the Ferrari crosses the line
0:25:18 > 0:25:20in the worst case of cheating
0:25:20 > 0:25:21the London Marathon has ever seen.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Welcome to the Monaco Grand Prix and, yes,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32they do all sound a lot like bees.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Well, Gary and I are in the commentary position.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43If you want to know where that is
0:25:43 > 0:25:46it's on page 32 between missionary and wheelbarrow.
0:25:50 > 0:25:56Shock news as Fifa awards the 2022 World Cup to the Islamic State.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Say what you like about these cyclists.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08But, boy, do they know their drugs.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:11 > 0:26:13The referee there taking down Ronaldo's number.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Not really the time or the place, but good to see
0:26:15 > 0:26:17we've kicked homophobia out of football.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:20 > 0:26:22And as is traditional, the leader of the Tour de France
0:26:22 > 0:26:24now awarded with the yellow jersey
0:26:24 > 0:26:26to remind him what colour his piss is supposed to be.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:3315. 30.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36In a chatroom, it's so difficult to tell.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Incredible delivery from Serena Williams.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47The baby came out in seven minutes and she didn't even shit herself.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Oh, that is long, very long!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I'll put it away now and get on with the commentary.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:00 > 0:27:05OK, and the next topic is Unlikely Lines From a Thriller.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Boss, I've got some news about the criminal
0:27:08 > 0:27:10who's been impersonating Sting.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12He's turned himself into The Police.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13LAUGHTER
0:27:15 > 0:27:17We've got to get out before it goes off.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Oh, no, I've misread the sell-by date, we've got another week.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Yes, my name is Pussy Galore.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Yeah, obviously it's a codename.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30My real name? Oh, it's Fanny Everywhere.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31LAUGHTER
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41You, in the Game Of Thrones T-shirt,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43what did I just say about being cool?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Strapped to a railway line.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Thank God, it's Southern. I've got six hours to escape.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Whoever you are, I will find you and I will kill you.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Now can you tell me your postcode so I can pop it in the Sat Nav?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Mr Brown, meet Mr White.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I really should learn these diplomats' names.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14LAUGHTER
0:28:16 > 0:28:19You can beat me as much as you like, but I can't tell you where he is.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21That's how it's all set up.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23No-one knows where Wally is.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25LAUGHTER
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Go, leave me behind.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33I love you, that's why I'm saying this.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Go ahead without me.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38You only get one chance to play The Crystal Maze.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40LAUGHTER
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Argh! I'm so angry about all these people observing Ramadan.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Nigel Farage stars in The Fast and The Furious.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Male, 30 to 35, Caucasian.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01No obvious sign of trauma.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05Oh. No, wait, the head should be attached to the body, shouldn't it?
0:29:05 > 0:29:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Right, we was going down the match,
0:29:12 > 0:29:14going down to see the match with some of the lads
0:29:14 > 0:29:16and some bloke's got killed, hasn't he?
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Yeah, it was Murder on the Leyton Orient Express.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21LAUGHTER
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Oh, my God, you're the Zodiac killer.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Before you do it, I'm a Libra, just let me know what I've got coming up.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30LAUGHTER
0:29:32 > 0:29:35This elevator company is corrupt,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37and I think it goes all the way to the top.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39LAUGHTER
0:29:42 > 0:29:44You can kill me, but if you do,
0:29:44 > 0:29:47you will never find the sarin gas canister
0:29:47 > 0:29:49I have placed in the president's fridge.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51Shit.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53LAUGHTER
0:29:55 > 0:29:58You're trying to expose corruption in my elevator company?
0:29:58 > 0:29:59You're going down.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05At the end of that, the points go to Ed, Tiff and Nish.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:11 > 0:30:12And that's the end of the show.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15This week's winners are Nish Kumar, Tiff Stevenson and Ed Byrne.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Commiserations to Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:33 > 0:30:37# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:38 > 0:30:42# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:44 > 0:30:47# Read all about it!
0:30:47 > 0:30:49# Read all about it!
0:30:49 > 0:30:51# News of the World! News of the World! #