0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Joining me this week are Nish Kumar, Ed Byrne and Ed Gamble.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We start tonight with a round called
0:00:54 > 0:00:56If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58On the board are six categories.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Angela, which category would you like?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Can I have World News, please, Dara?
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Lovely. Your category is World News and the answer is 6.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06What is the question?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Is it - what do men in New Zealand think about every ten seconds?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Is it - what was the number of the sixth person to own a telephone?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Is it - how many calories were in the winning dish
0:01:23 > 0:01:25on North Korean MasterChef?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Is it the number of times my father has referred to this
0:01:31 > 0:01:34show as Mock Of The Week today?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Man, I'm telling you, it is literally written behind me.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Yeah, I know.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And people go - "Yeah, I know you. You're on Mock Of The Week."
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Really? Really?!
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Read it. Read it, arsehole!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Read it from behind my face.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Is it that your head looks like an O?
0:01:49 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Two things...
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Two things about that.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Firstly, the "Dara has a large head thing" again, right?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Did I say large? I was referring to the baldness.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04OK.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07But also, that would be Mock O The Week.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10You of all people.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Et tu, Paddy?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Is it - what is the slang term for mutual oral sex
0:02:16 > 0:02:19but someone gets up halfway through because they're bored?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"We had a deal!", you shouted as they left.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28How many children do Wills and Kate need to have to make sure
0:02:28 > 0:02:30that Harry is never king?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I want to bring something up about this.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- So, she's pregnant with her third one.- Yeah.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I didn't know there was a second one. I honestly...
0:02:41 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I saw the news and was like, "Who is that little girl?!"
0:02:46 > 0:02:48They're like Fast & Furious movies.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51There's always one more than you think.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56Did you not see the words "previously on Kate"?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Is it - how many seconds would a giraffe last
0:02:59 > 0:03:00in a World War I trench?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Is it - what's the population of South Korea in 2018.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15AUDIENCE GROANS
0:03:15 > 0:03:19There's a lot of South Koreans in tonight. Very sensitive.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Is it simply at what age does life start to go downhill?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:30APPLAUSE
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I'm not sure if it's your delivery that broke my heart
0:03:34 > 0:03:36or their applause.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40We randomly selected 300 people who went, "Yeah, yeah, that's right."
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I can't tell whether they were applauding
0:03:42 > 0:03:45because they were like, "Yeah, he is right."
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Or whether it was like, "Yeah, his life did go wrong at six."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Both are true.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Is it if you're collecting the number six from an airport,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57what would you write on a piece of cardboard?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Surely you would recognise the number six as he came through.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Or it might be nine doing a handstand.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It could be nine.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10It could be number 66 and it had an argument on the plane.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Will somebody actually give me the correct answer?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I think this is a reference to North Korea
0:04:14 > 0:04:17because this is the sixth nuclear test that they have done.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Nish Kumar.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Yes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25The question I was looking for was -
0:04:25 > 0:04:27how many nuclear tests has North Korea carried out?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29This is the news that North Korea has conducted,
0:04:29 > 0:04:30at the time of recording,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33its sixth nuclear test, its biggest so far.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35The country claimed it had detonated a hydrogen bomb that can be
0:04:35 > 0:04:37fitted to a ballistic missile.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I love the caveat of "at time of recording".
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Yeah!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43The way things are going, this could be the first-ever
0:04:43 > 0:04:45episode of Mock The Week not to make it to Dave.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It's not a very impressive nuclear weapon, is it?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Do you want more stripes, or something?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- It just looks like...- It is a very impressive butt plug.- Yeah.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01It's very worrying, though, isn't it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03A megalomaniac who has got nuclear weapons
0:05:03 > 0:05:04and a terrible haircut
0:05:04 > 0:05:06is taking on Kim Jong-un.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I would also like to commend Ed Gamble on his commitment to
0:05:12 > 0:05:14satire this week.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18He appears to have had his hair cut exactly like Kim Jong-un.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Well, I didn't want... Thank you.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34I don't want to jinx it but I've got a rather important audition later.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37The rules of being the lookalike on the show
0:05:37 > 0:05:39is you've really got to do the whole pose.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Have you got the picture? - What do you mean, the whole pose?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51APPLAUSE With the hand. With the hand!
0:05:53 > 0:05:54There you go.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Bravo.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I look forward to seeing how that was when I watch it back.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Yes. It is the nuclear test in North Korea. Are you panicking?
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Are you scared?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11No. Because I know where all the nuclear bunkers are.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Are you going to share the information?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Nope. That is between me and the key-holders.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18There are 1,500 of them in this country,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20enough for 1% of the population.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21OK.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24That 1% of population being government and not us.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26So if we tried to get into one, we would be shot dead.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Not Dara. He's the science man.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32I'll be there going, "Hello? I think I'm the science guy."
0:06:32 > 0:06:35And from the other side of the door, Brian Cox will go, "No, you're not."
0:06:39 > 0:06:41How has America responded to all this?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Very, very, very calmly.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46In these situations,
0:06:46 > 0:06:50what you want is a president in the White House who is a reality star
0:06:50 > 0:06:54and Secretary of State for Defence whose nickname is Mad Dog Mattis.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59He has so far threatened North Korea with total annihilation.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03No, he said that total annihilation...
0:07:03 > 0:07:06He's not taking that off the list of possibilities.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Well, he's looked at various possibilities, hasn't he?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Of the options, total annihilation remains one of the options.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Apparently China said to Trump, don't turn the North Korean
0:07:14 > 0:07:16president from dictator to martyr
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and Trump said, "We say tomato."
0:07:19 > 0:07:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:30What is it he...?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Does Kim Jong-un really believe that the US want to invade North Korea?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Yes. He's been telling us for years. - But that is so...
0:07:37 > 0:07:41That's like Piers Morgan having a birthday party and hiring bouncers.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Like, no-one is coming, Piers.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49- Who is in the middle of all this? - What do you mean?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- China. - The whole of the rest of the world.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52- South Korea. - It's Japan.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Japan. It is Japan.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Who says?
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Because they fired it over Japan.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59In the same week that they did the underground test,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02they also fired a missile that landed over Japan.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- They tipped it over them. - Yes. So not on Japan.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Not on Japan, but passing them.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08So really it's the Pacific Ocean that needs to worry.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Yes, they fired a possible nuclear weapon into an ocean
0:08:10 > 0:08:12near Japan which we as well know has animal life in it
0:08:12 > 0:08:15that reacts badly to having nuclear weapons fired at it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I think we've seen enough documentary footage...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Do you know this because you're the science man?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I am the science man and for God's sake listen to me!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25There's a lizard out there and it's going to attack everyone!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Why can't you people listen to me?!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30APPLAUSE
0:08:30 > 0:08:31I know it sounds crazy!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34We can't close the beaches. It's Labor Day weekend!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36But my wife died!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39In the remake.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41None of the Japanese knew what to do, though, did they?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44They got a text message to say you've got ten minutes,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- there's a nuclear weapon coming over.- Yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47What do you do? It's like a fire alarm.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50You wander out onto the street and have a cigarette. What happens?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51He seems delighted.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54That's a particularly happy photograph for him
0:08:54 > 0:08:55in this situation.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57But, yeah, they do, there's some sort of text.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59We would all go, "Oh, spam."
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Why is he with one general and three train conductors?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08That is a tricky text to compose,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10the text that you have to send to all the people in Japan
0:09:10 > 0:09:12saying there is a nuclear...
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Like, if you use emojis,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15it's going to compromise the seriousness of the message
0:09:15 > 0:09:17unless you get it just right.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20So I would suggest - explosion emoji, prayer hands,
0:09:20 > 0:09:21prayer hands, smiling poo.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:29A spokesperson in Japan described it as grave and unprecedented.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31It's like, grave, yeah. But unprecedented, in Japan?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34It's the only place where it is precedented.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Apparently there were genuinely signs at the metro stations
0:09:40 > 0:09:42saying, "We are experiencing disruptions
0:09:42 > 0:09:45"because of a ballistic missile launch."
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I love that it was just disruptions.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Like, here, obviously everything would shut down immediately.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52There, the threat of nuclear war doesn't push them
0:09:52 > 0:09:54onto a replacement bus service.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05In other news, what are four American companies building
0:10:05 > 0:10:06for Donald Trump?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- A wall.- A wall, yes. - Bits of a wall, designs of a wall.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Sections of a wall, yes.- I think they're just trying out loads
0:10:12 > 0:10:16of different types of... One made of sticks, one made of straw...
0:10:16 > 0:10:19He should have... He's asking all the American contractors
0:10:19 > 0:10:21to build it, he should have just gone straight to China.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24It'd be a lot cheaper and they're really good at walls.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27They're going to test them all, aren't they?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30The spokesperson said they're going to test them all
0:10:30 > 0:10:31- with small hand tools.- Yeah.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Which, presumably, are tools made specifically for Donald Trump.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39To be honest, Small Hand Tool is his Secret Service code name.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- How long is the wall? - How long is the wall? 2,000 kilo...
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- 2,000...- Kilometres.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53Well, I bet you it's still finished before Heathrow's third runway.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55It won't get made because they keep saying the Mexicans
0:10:55 > 0:10:58are going to pay for it. There's no way this is going to get made.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01The people who are supposed to be building it may as well just say,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03"We're going to build the best wall. There's going to be lasers
0:11:03 > 0:11:06"and there's going to be lions and it's going to be covered in tits.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"It's going to be amazing.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10"We're going to paint a tunnel on the side to catch that
0:11:10 > 0:11:11"pesky Road Runner."
0:11:15 > 0:11:17If I were one of those companies, I'd be putting forward
0:11:17 > 0:11:19the Emperor's New Wall.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24And just say to Trump, "Yeah, only bigly clever people can see it."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26And then just hire mimes to stand behind and go...
0:11:37 > 0:11:38That'd be great.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42OK. At the end of that round, the points go to
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Angela, Hugh and Milton.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Yes!
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Yes!
0:11:48 > 0:11:53Now we play a round called Taking Up The Jong-un.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54This...
0:11:56 > 0:11:59..involves Milton Jones and Ed Gamble, so if you could
0:11:59 > 0:12:02make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07and wherever it chooses to stop, our performers must step forward
0:12:07 > 0:12:09and talk about that subject.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15The first subject is exercise. Who wants to come in on that? Ed.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I ran the London Marathon this year.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- CHEERING - Thank you.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25That was an absolutely amazing reception from you guys,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28thank you very much. There was an awkward pause, two people
0:12:28 > 0:12:30thought, "I better fill that and go, 'ooh'", and the rest of you,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33collectively, just went with, "Well, we could not give a shit,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"thank you very much.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"We saw that on television, thousands of people
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"did that. Also, it was in April, how about you move on
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"with your life?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44"Also, of course you ran the London Marathon.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47"You are a white, middle-class man in his early thirties,
0:12:47 > 0:12:48"that's what you do."
0:12:49 > 0:12:52You're right, that is the most basic first step of the most basic
0:12:52 > 0:12:54posh man life ever.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I can live my whole life on tracks now if I wanted to.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59So it goes - marathon, marriage,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01kid, sleep with the au pair,
0:13:01 > 0:13:02divorce, Crocs, death. That's it.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Did it for charity, because I'm a great guy.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11And you sort of have to.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19The charity I did it for was a type 1 diabetes charity.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Before you think I'm too good of a human being,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23will let you know that I am type 1 diabetic, so I will see
0:13:23 > 0:13:24that money eventually.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Very much playing the long game with that cash.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Didn't actually enjoy the marathon, though, for one specific reason.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Every few miles, there was groups of people stood there
0:13:35 > 0:13:38with blue rubber gloves on with globs of Vaseline on the ends
0:13:38 > 0:13:40of their fingers, like this.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Now, at the time, I had no idea that they were employed
0:13:43 > 0:13:45by the marathon.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49You're supposed to run past them, take Vaseline, rub it on any
0:13:49 > 0:13:53areas of chafage. I had no idea they were supposed to be there!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55To me, that just looked like some sort of horrendous
0:13:55 > 0:13:56motivational technique.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"You better get keep running, boy.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"You better pick up the pace.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"Otherwise it's examination time!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09"You got an appointment with Dr Fingers!"
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Thank you very much!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16OK, that leaves us with Milton.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Milton, let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22The topic is safety.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Away you go.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage
0:14:43 > 0:14:45and using crutches who stole my wallet earlier...
0:14:46 > 0:14:48..you can hide but you can't run.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Of course, these days, a lot of people are putting poison
0:14:55 > 0:14:58on the menu of restaurants in the hope that French people
0:14:58 > 0:14:59think it's fish.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07My dad's answer to everything was alcohol.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10He didn't drink, he was just very bad at quizzes.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I only have access to my son on Saturdays.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18He fell under the floorboards of a synagogue.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I would like to see a world without plagiarism.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28You may say I'm a dreamer.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32But I'm not the only one.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37You see, my friends, if I had a crystal ball,
0:15:37 > 0:15:38I'd sit down very carefully.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48They say that putting mud on your face is good for your skin,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51but I saw a sign the other day that said "sewage treatment works."
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Trust me, it doesn't.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Thank you very much, well done!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Points from that go to Ed Gamble!
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Come on back.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:16:14 > 0:16:16what's happening. So what's going on here?
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Is that after the latest exchange rates, is she holding Britain's pot
0:16:21 > 0:16:22we've got left to piss in?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Is Shinzo Abe saying, "Who is this ghost and why does she keep
0:16:27 > 0:16:28"saying strong and stable?"
0:16:31 > 0:16:32He looks like he's going to her,
0:16:32 > 0:16:35"I have a traditional Japanese welcome for you right here."
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Is it more likely that Shinzo Abe is saying, "Sake?"
0:16:41 > 0:16:44And she's saying, "No, I was being serious."
0:16:44 > 0:16:46It's actually very respectful, what she's doing.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49She always dresses as the flag of the country she's visiting.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- Does anyone know what it is?- They are laying bets on whether or not
0:16:58 > 0:17:00they can get Theresa May to drink the finger bowl.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- Is Theresa May on a trade trip to Japan?- Absolutely right.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Yes, of course. This is a picture of Theresa May and
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe during her visit to Japan last week.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19So what did she announce while she was there?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21That she's not a quitter.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Yeah, yeah.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Although she doesn't want to drink any more Japanese tea.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I don't trust people who renounce things that
0:17:28 > 0:17:30they're not doing.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Like, I got on a train once and I went to sit next to this guy
0:17:32 > 0:17:35and he just looked at me and went, "I'm not pissing my pants."
0:17:35 > 0:17:38And I thought, "I'm not sitting next to you."
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Again, apologies, Angela.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44She's a bit like a boxer, isn't she, who gets knocked out
0:17:44 > 0:17:47then demands a rematch. You don't know whether to admire
0:17:47 > 0:17:49her tenacity or wonder whether there's brain damage.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Meanwhile, what's Boris Johnson doing? He's been doing
0:17:55 > 0:17:57the same thing as Theresa May, which is?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Well, rather dangerously, he has been in Nigeria.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Are we sure that he's there negotiating trade deals,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04or is there following up an e-mail he received from
0:18:04 > 0:18:05the king of Nigeria?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I think it's far more likely that the king of Nigeria,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14or the prime minister of Nigeria, has Boris Johnson appear and go,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"Fub-alub-alub-alub, I'm the Minister for Foreign Affairs
0:18:16 > 0:18:19"for the British Government and we need you to invest
0:18:19 > 0:18:22"£1 million and then we'll give you lots of jam."
0:18:22 > 0:18:23He's going, "Oh, one of these.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"One was going to come the other way eventually."
0:18:28 > 0:18:31"I wasn't born yesterday, mate, get out."
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Delete, delete.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36"We invented this. We invented this scam here, you don't...
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"You can't kid a kidder. You can't come to Nigeria
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"and tell us that you're the Foreign Minister...
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"And that you have lots of jam."
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Neither of them have immersed themselves in the cultures
0:18:50 > 0:18:52of where they've been. Theresa May went for tea and he went
0:18:52 > 0:18:55to the Guinness Factory. They may as well have asked for a fry-up
0:18:55 > 0:18:57and an EastEnders box set.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Boris is enjoying it, though.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Oh, my God, what happened to his face?!
0:19:04 > 0:19:08What happened?! He looks like the walking dead!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Look how big his hand's swollen up!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13The good thing about Boris Johnson...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16No, I can't...
0:19:21 > 0:19:23He's done a number of these countries recently.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Did anyone catch the beautiful rendition of
0:19:25 > 0:19:28God Save The Queen from the Libyan Army?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Which greeted Boris recently.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I know they're very patriotic here,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35if you wish to stand and silently pay respects during
0:19:35 > 0:19:37God Save The Queen.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41THEY PLAY OUT OF TUNE God Save The Queen
0:19:56 > 0:19:59That's like the scene at the end of Close Encounters
0:19:59 > 0:20:01where they're trying to figure out...
0:20:01 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Someone's just given them the instruments and gone,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07"Work out how to play them right now!"
0:20:07 > 0:20:09There's one guy who just comes in once. And it's just,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13"Whenever you feel like it. Just give me one note, one note,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"just towards the end, just go for it."
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Do it again. Just this one guy, I just love him. He just comes in...
0:20:30 > 0:20:31OUT-OF-TUNE HONK
0:20:39 > 0:20:41In other news, what's been surprising drivers
0:20:41 > 0:20:42in Buckinghamshire?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- Oh.- Glasgow.- Yes.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Is it they've got these bollards and in order to get people to slow down,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- they've dressed the bollards as children?- Yes.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58But not sort of normal children, as the ghosts of children.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Yes, they have. Spooky children.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Absolutely horrific.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Yeah, that you're supposed to drive past and go, "Oh, my God,
0:21:04 > 0:21:08"I don't want to hit the spook in a New York Jets kit."
0:21:08 > 0:21:10First thing I would do, if I was driving at night
0:21:10 > 0:21:13and I saw a child that looked like that, I'd run it over immediately
0:21:13 > 0:21:15to release the demon within.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20See, the idea of these is that people will think the bollards
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- are children and slow down.- Yes.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Eventually, they'll realise that they're not children.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Now, has anybody ever heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Does that mean in Buckinghamshire previously, people have just
0:21:34 > 0:21:37been seeing bollards and been like, "Ha-ha, not today, son"?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Just powered straight into them. - I think this car can take it,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I think this car... "I'd like my car bollard-proof."
0:21:43 > 0:21:46"A very popular choice in this part of Buckinghamshire, sir."
0:21:46 > 0:21:49It'd be great if they were those bollards that came out of
0:21:49 > 0:21:50the middle of the road.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00You see, I think the kid's jaundice is going to get her
0:22:00 > 0:22:01before a car does.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06They look like they've been put there to entice paedophiles.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Look, I know the intentions were good, but what they've created
0:22:09 > 0:22:11is a Madame Tussauds for sex offenders.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Surely it would be more effective if you dressed the children
0:22:15 > 0:22:18as bollards? And then people would be less inclined
0:22:18 > 0:22:21to drive into the children.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Cos they'll go, "I might damage my car there."
0:22:23 > 0:22:25They cost five grand each.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It'd be cheaper to pay a child.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33What do you call those things that slow you down if you go over them?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Students.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I can't believe there's a brown one.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Political correctness gone mad.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- In Buckinghamshire, as well. - In Buckinghamshire, as well.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Didn't need it for representation.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Buckinghamshire going, "That's clearly a bollard."
0:22:55 > 0:22:59At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Ed and Nish!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone
0:23:06 > 0:23:08can make their way over to the performance area.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists
0:23:11 > 0:23:12can come up with.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Which of the following is not a hydrocarbon -
0:23:23 > 0:23:25kerosene, ethylene,
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Come On Eileen.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Welcome to your French exam. It's exactly the same as your
0:23:34 > 0:23:36English exam, but with tongues.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Postgraduate Sociology.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Your degree is good for driving -
0:23:44 > 0:23:45A, cab.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Draw the male reproductive system on this toilet door.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Why do Mummy and Daddy not love each other any more?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Was it something you did?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Eton College A-levels, question one.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Is this the question your teacher showed you last week?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22If Theresa has 330 seats in the parliament
0:24:22 > 0:24:24and then she loses 13,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26how does she still have a job?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Biology Practical, question one.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Cock or ball?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Psychology, question one.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51How are you going to feel if you can't even answer this one?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Cornwall has no capital.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00False or Truro?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Identify this novel from the following quote.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10"Welcome to Jurassic Park."
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Cockney Hard Man Exam, question one.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19What the fuck are you looking at?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Theology. Is there a God?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30You'd better hope so. Look at this next question.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37What is the sexiest of all the dance moves?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Please show your twerking.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Nuclear Physics A-level.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Mark on a map where Guam used to be.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Write an essay about your favourite hobby, but write it in foreign.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Who predicted the first fridge?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Was it A, Nostradamus,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08B, Prepostradamus,
0:26:08 > 0:26:10or C, Defrostradamus?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Theoretical Physics. Discuss the theoretical possibility
0:26:19 > 0:26:22of time travel. You have one hour, starting three hours ago.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Advanced Bullying, question one.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Dickhead says what?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Discuss the use of symbolism in the Of Mice and Men books,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42which are, of course - Of Mice And Men: Two Mice, Two Men
0:26:42 > 0:26:44and Of Mice And Men: Tokyo Drift.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49OK, next topic is...
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Pepsi.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56It'll do.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Immigration - loves the jobs you hate.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Why do I use Pantene?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Because my other nine pans are broken.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Myspace.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23We're still here!
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Why don't you ever visit us?!
0:27:29 > 0:27:32I'm sorry I slept with your sister at your grandad's funeral.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Cards for any occasion at moonpig.com.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Are you under seven and can stand still beside the road
0:27:42 > 0:27:44for a very long time?
0:27:50 > 0:27:55Introducing the new BMW haemorrhoid series, because eventually
0:27:55 > 0:27:56every arsehole gets one.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Dove deodorant,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04because no-one likes a smelly dove.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Mmm.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Nish Kumar.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Sounds exotic.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21It turns out he's just a bloke.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Nike now sponsor the panda mating programme at London Zoo.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Just do it!
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Have you thought about retirement?
0:28:44 > 0:28:45I have, since the age of six.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Are you a woman who wants longer lashes?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55How about showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia?
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Coffee, just think of it as like really shit cocaine.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12I'm sorry, Tiddles just ran in the road and I couldn't stop in time.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14You can see pictures at comparethesmearedcat.com.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25Nando's, it's basically a Sunday roast for brown people.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Budweiser, for when you only sort of want a beer.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Now with new lip plumping technology,
0:29:39 > 0:29:40camel toe pants.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46I'm ashamed of myself, all right?
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Mr Kipling makes exceedingly good cakes,
0:29:51 > 0:29:53and he's not a bad shag.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Original Source mint shower gel, it smells nice, but it'll
0:29:59 > 0:30:01burn your dick off.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Ed and Nish!
0:30:15 > 0:30:18And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Nish Kumar, Ed Byrne and Ed Gamble!
0:30:23 > 0:30:27Commiserations to Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.
0:30:29 > 0:30:33Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36MUSIC: News Of The World by The Jam