0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Rhys James, Ellie Taylor and Ed Byrne,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:00:54 > 0:00:57what is happening. So what's going on here?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I was looking to see if Theresa May's in the background,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03going, "Drill where the wire is. Drill..."
0:01:03 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:06 > 0:01:11Is it, "Horror as shadow of man's penis looks like a hand."
0:01:11 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:17He's got an enormous hand.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19A penis that looks like a shadow of a hand? How do you know that?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Well, I haven't seen as many as you, Dara, clearly!
0:01:22 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I can just imagine the Sun headline is something like,
0:01:26 > 0:01:30"Madman Corbyn vandalises perfectly good wall with drill."
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Is it "Corbyn closing the door
0:01:33 > 0:01:36"on his and Diane Abbott's 1970s sex den?"
0:01:36 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I think he's probably just going, "Yeah, that's right, he's in there.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44"Tony Blair will never escape now."
0:01:44 > 0:01:46What we don't see is the bit where he starts the drill,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49the drill stays still and he spins round and round.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Oh, Jeremy, and your mad adventures!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I like to think he's just sidled up there and gone,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"This wall just became a stud wall."
0:01:59 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Maybe it's him creating his absolute lad cave at last.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Well, I hope he has better luck
0:02:07 > 0:02:09than he had putting together a cabinet.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:16APPLAUSE Wow.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18It's not just the Cabinet, though?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20It's not just a cabinet, it's a Shadow Cabinet.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Whoa, whoa, what's going on here?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29What Radio 4 show are we on?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Good job he's wearing that vest, isn't it?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Cos it is the first time he's been highly visible
0:02:35 > 0:02:37since the election campaign.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Fuck you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Also, good job he's wearing that hard hat.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47LAUGHTER
0:02:47 > 0:02:50APPLAUSE
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- That there, is Jeremy Corbyn. - Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ELLIE:- Wow, he's so clever!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Yes, this is an almost entirely unrelated picture
0:03:01 > 0:03:03of Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn who, this week,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05lost a vote against the second reading
0:03:05 > 0:03:07of the government's EU Withdrawal Bill,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09also known as the Great Repeal Bill.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10The Bill will transfer EU law
0:03:10 > 0:03:13directly into UK law, once the country leaves the EU.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17It was passed by Parliament this week by 326 votes to 290.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Why did Labour try to block the bill?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- Because they didn't agree with it. - There we go.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24That's how Parliament works, baby. LAUGHTER
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Because they were afraid they'd consider it a power grab?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Yeah, it was.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32The Conservatives have what they call Henry VIII powers,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35where they can actually kill their own wives if they annoy them.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38And they were just worried about how much of a power grab it is.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40In fact, what's his name, Tom Brake,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43who's the Brexit spokesman for the Lib Dems,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46came up with a great line when it went through.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50He said, "It's a dark day for the mother of parliaments."
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Which just sounds like something you want to say covered in ravens
0:03:53 > 0:03:55and a dark cloak, with smoke billowing around you.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"It's a dark day for the mother of parliaments."
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Squawk, squawk. - LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- So, it's called the Withdrawal Bill. - Yeah.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Because, from what I remember of reading Just Seventeen,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- you should never rely just on withdrawal.- No.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12There's a danger there will be some EU baby.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I knew a guy at college whose nickname was Withdrawal Bill.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- And how many children does he have? - Quite a few, yeah.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22He wasn't as popular as Repeal Bill.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Yes, cos we'll have all the EU's laws, which the EU will notice.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29They're surely going to notice that we've just nicked all their laws.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Basically, we get rid of them over time,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33get rid of the ones we don't want so, essentially,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36it's going to be like a bloke in a high street going through a bin.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40How bleak an image of that actually is.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45A homeless man digging through a bin to find the laws we want to keep.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- That's Britain in the next... effectively.- That's how it works.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I've worked out another way to explain it to you, Dara,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- if you don't understand. - Thank you very much.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55So, we get to keep all the laws that we want
0:04:55 > 0:04:57and then get rid of the ones that we don't like,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00so it's sort of like, if I married a bloke and he had loads of kids
0:05:00 > 0:05:02and then, once I'm married, I can make the shit kids
0:05:02 > 0:05:05go and live with their real mum. It's that sort of thing.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER That is also a bleak metaphor.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13I'm really hoping one of you has a metaphor involving a cake shop.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I can't believe Henry VIII's back.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Probably the largest surprise here.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I was surprised enough when Blair got back into politics,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24but the fact that Henry VIII's making a comeback,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26that should be the headline.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I don't know why no-one's making a fuss about it.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It's all part of this Henry VIII clause.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31The Henry VIII clause sounds like a man
0:05:31 > 0:05:34who comes down your chimney to behead your wife.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Wasn't Michael Fallon as well saying to Tony Blair, "Get over it",
0:05:38 > 0:05:40which sort of sounded like they were arguing
0:05:40 > 0:05:43outside a Wetherspoon's or something. "Just get over it!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"Theresa's going to leave you
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"and stop spreading nonsense about her online.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49"She's going, get over it!"
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I imagine that's how people talk outside Wetherspoon's.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I've not been.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I also think that, is it all a big ploy,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00because they're just sort of boring? It's so boring.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- Let's face it, it's boring.- Yeah, it is.- Not this, this isn't boring.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- This is lovely. - LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I'll tell you what's not boring. Henry VIII is back!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Nobody cares. We could be eating wild boar 24/7.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I accept it is dull,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21because it is EU law and there's no way of that not been boring.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25And it is important because... to legislate by proclamation...
0:06:25 > 0:06:26That's the idea. If they get these in,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28they can just strike them off again.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32OK, legislate by approximation is like the way I parent,
0:06:32 > 0:06:38which is, "OK, nobody gets ice cream. Nobody is getting ice cream."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"But I didn't do anything." "OK, YOU get ice cream."
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"Wait, that's not fair." "OK, everybody gets ice cream."
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"What?" "OK, nobody gets ice cream."
0:06:44 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:48That's how it works, basically.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52- Which of us are getting ice cream? - OK, you're all getting ice cream.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- I want ice cream.- OK.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- I want raspberry ripple.- No... - Sorbet?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Fine, we'll just nip back to the '70s and get you some.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:04We have Ben & Jerry's now!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Er, Henry VIII's back, Ed!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:12So, how quickly are the negotiations taking? Are they going well?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Oh, they're going tremendously well.- Yes.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16We've made enormous...progress.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Apparently, Lord Adonis was calling for David Davis to be sacked
0:07:21 > 0:07:23and then people were calling for Lord Adonis to be sacked.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I'd quite like it if Lord Adonis was sacked,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27because that's also my Grindr name.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:31A lot of confusion, actually.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34And is being sacked something you offer people?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Sometimes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- They need to put the power back in the hands of the people.- Yeah.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I don't want no EU telling me what do.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I don't want the government telling me what to do.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46It should be us, the people.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I say, each day, a different one of us
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- takes it in turns to be in charge. - LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Each day, we can do whatever we want, and that's true democracy.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Take it in turns to be a dictator.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- What happens on your day? - What happens on my day? Two words.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Raspberry ripple.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Moving on, however... LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:17What can artificial intelligence tell about you
0:08:17 > 0:08:19by scanning your face?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Is it that you can tell if someone's gay or not?- Yes.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- Is that the reason why I've been invited on this week?- No!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I mean, it's not that difficult to tell someone.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I can do it, if they're wearing corduroys.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- LAUGHTER - I also feel... No offence!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36But I do feel, I do feel like
0:08:36 > 0:08:39it's a bit like something people at school would have invented.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I remember when I was at school, people would say,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"If you're gay, say 'What'." And people go, "What?"
0:08:44 > 0:08:48You go, "You're gay then!" It's just an upgrade of that, basically.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52This is like a complex face-analysing algorithm,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55created by researchers at Stanford University, used to predict
0:08:55 > 0:09:00a person's sexuality, and you say it is merely an upgrade on...
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- If you're gay, say "What." - LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I don't see the use of it. Are you going to show Great-aunt Ethel,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08and she's like, "I've been married for 45 years
0:09:08 > 0:09:10"and I've got six kids, but I put my photo into the app
0:09:10 > 0:09:12"and, apparently, I'm mad for the puss."
0:09:12 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER
0:09:15 > 0:09:18That would be quite the Christmas, wouldn't it?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20It's going to make passport control at Qatar airport
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- more nerve-racking, isn't it? - LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:28It's a waste of time. I can already tell
0:09:28 > 0:09:32if someone's gay by just looking at a picture of their spouse.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- LAUGHTER - So, they measure you, don't they?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38And the only way they could test the validity of it is by asking
0:09:38 > 0:09:41those people who they've measured whether they were gay.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44So, why not just ask them?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:49One of the metrics, apparently, as well, that is supposed to show
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- that a man is gay is that he's got a larger forehead.- Yes.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Look at mine.- Tom and Dara have exactly the same size forehead.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- Oh, my God, Dara, that means you're gay.- Oh, wow! Yeah.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02That's it, I've always wondered.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Yeah, put a jumper around your neck, let's go and play volleyball.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- When I was at school, we had gay cards.- Yes.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12And according to my classmates, I was dropping mine constantly.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15It's a bit like having an earring in the other ear,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18which no-one knew which one it was. One side was the gay ear.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I was so confused I just had clip-ons in both.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Cos it was supposed to be one ear was gay and one ear was pirates.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27It was so ridiculous.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Those were the two things and often, they are confused...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32in certain clubs.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Our gay scanner at school was called Warren
0:10:36 > 0:10:39and if you handed in your homework, you were gay,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42if you did anything extracurricular, you were gay,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44if you whipped your naked classmates with a towel,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46you were just part of the rugby team.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Why not give this technology, though, to the gay community?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Would that be more useful?- They have already. It's called Grindr.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER
0:10:57 > 0:11:00But at the entrance to a gay bar or whatever, there could be gay bars
0:11:00 > 0:11:04where you can just go "beep" and go, "No, you're straight."
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Cos, presumably, it would be equally accurate at pointing out
0:11:06 > 0:11:10a straight and you go, "Stop coming in here and wasting our time."
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I'm just saying, that when I go in there, cos I like to dance,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- who wants to dance? I love to dance. - You love to dance, darling.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- You love to dance. You've got the forehead for it.- Enough said!
0:11:19 > 0:11:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:24 > 0:11:28At the end of that round, the points go to Tom, Hugh and James.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Now we play a round called
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Here Comes The Mockstepper. Turn it up.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38This game involves Tom and Rhys,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56OK, the subject is ageing. Who wants to come in on that? Rhys.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Big year for me this year. I turn 26. 26!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Yeah, that means I'm now officially closer to 30
0:12:03 > 0:12:06than I am to my stepdad.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I'm joking, I don't have a stepdad, my parents are still together.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12My childhood was flawless, OK.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I know I'm getting older, cos I'm at the age now,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17my parents no longer give me presents for Christmas,
0:12:17 > 0:12:18they just give me money.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20But I can't give them money, because that's weird.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23And also, it would be less money.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24LAUGHTER
0:12:24 > 0:12:26She usually gets me money, my mum.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28She gets me cash, but also she wants to get me
0:12:28 > 0:12:30something to unwrap on Christmas Day,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32so that while I'm unwrapping it, she can explain
0:12:32 > 0:12:34that she's kept the receipt and if I don't like it, I can take it back.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36You know, mums - white, white mums.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Every year, "I've got the receipt, if you don't like it,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"you can take it back." I'm like, "Thanks, Mum."
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- "You have bought me an errand." - LAUGHTER
0:12:43 > 0:12:45What's for Christmas this year?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Oh, a trip to Topman, same as last year, thank you.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50So, I've got to buy them presents, but they're hard to buy for,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52because they're just generic white parents, you know,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54so I've got the same thing every year.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I've got my dad a John Grisham book.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Every year I'm like, "Hey, Dad, this one's about a lawyer."
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Got to get my mum bath stuff.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03That's what she wants every year, bath stuff.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"Just get me bath stuff, Rhys."
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Got her a toaster. She didn't see the funny side.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Good man. Thank you very much, Rhys James.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19That leaves us with Tom. Let's see what your topic is.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- The topic is school.- Oh, OK.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I'm very good at that running.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30So, I think education has changed quite a lot since I was at school.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Now I know teachers have TAs in the classroom,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36but this was long before the Territorial Army got involved.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Back when I was at school, you basically had one teacher
0:13:41 > 0:13:43and 35 or 50...
0:13:43 > 0:13:46million children in one class.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49You were basically watching one person have a nervous breakdown
0:13:49 > 0:13:52before your very eyes.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53I remember my teacher, she'd be, like,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56"Right, we're going to do maths now. Tens, hundreds, thousands.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"Put those bricks away. Come and sit on the mat now.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02"Don't piss yourself again. Reading now. Read a bit, read a bit.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"Can you read? Doesn't matter, we don't have time.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07"Now, we're going to do geography. Do you know where this is?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"Doesn't matter. We don't own it any more. Now, art.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"Everyone, draw this thing. Hold up your drawings.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"Gold star for you, smiley face for you, house point for you.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"What does it mean? No-one knows!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19"Now we're going to learn about nature and the water cycle.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"Water comes up here, along here, falls down in your face.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"Now we're going to make a display about that out of foil.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26"OK, now we're going to learn a bit more about nature.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"Everyone, go out to the playground, so I can have a drink.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32"Go out to the playground and get a leaf. Bring the leaves in.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"Don't bring the mud in, you stupid prick. Bring the leaves in.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"Hold up your leaves, draw your leaves,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40"now trace your leaves, trace, trace, trace everything you can.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41"Trace - you've got to be able to trace.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44"You'll never be able to get a job unless you can trace.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"Trace all day! It's the most important skill in the world.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48"And colour in within the lines.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"No-one will love you unless you can colour in within the lines.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- "Maybe that's why he left me!" - LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:58"Do a bark rubbing, if you want, Lindsay, you show-off little bitch.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"All right, take your leaves and put them on the wall.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"Do them in the shape of a tree. Do it nicely, because it's for Open Day,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07"which you don't understand, but my job depends on it.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09"OK, now you're going to mummify a teddy bear.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12"You're going to wrap your teddy bear in toilet paper,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14"which also doubles as tracing paper.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16"You're going to wrap your teddy bear in toilet paper.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18"It teaches you nothing at all, but it keeps you quiet
0:15:18 > 0:15:20"while I can do poppers.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"OK, now design a sarcophagus for your teddy bear,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"a coffin for your teddy bear, so we can all think about being dead.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28"One day, we're all going to be dead, cold and dead in the ground,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30"which I wish I was. I wish I was dead, you bunch of...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"Oh, my goodness, children, it's time to go out and play.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34"Play, play, play, play, play."
0:15:34 > 0:15:36APPLAUSE
0:15:36 > 0:15:41Points go to, well, Tom Allen. Both of you, come back, thank you.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Our next round is called
0:15:48 > 0:15:50If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52On the board are six categories.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Tom, which category would you like? - Health, please.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Health is the category and the answer is zero.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00What is the question?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Is it how much the Leave campaign have guaranteed
0:16:04 > 0:16:07for the NHS since we voted for Brexit?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Is it what is the current temperature
0:16:10 > 0:16:12in Wayne Rooney's marital bedroom?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Is it how many fucks Mary Berry gives about the new Bake Off?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Complete the title of Katie Hopkins' biography -
0:16:26 > 0:16:28From Zero To...?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Is it how many people were on board when I suggested people stop saying
0:16:33 > 0:16:34they've found a lump on their testicle
0:16:34 > 0:16:37and start saying "unexpected item in the bagging area"?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:42How many times did the Borrowers actually return the stuff
0:16:42 > 0:16:44they supposedly borrowed?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46LAUGHTER
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Is it, if wee is one and poo is two,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53what number indicates you're constipated?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:58How many of Jay-Z's problems are bitch related?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:04How old was I the last time I touched a vagina?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- Painful, that.- Yeah. - It's a painful applause.- It is.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Is it, despite my best efforts, how many people have told me
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I'm the wind beneath their wings?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Is it the amount of matches that girl on Tinder got
0:17:27 > 0:17:29that threw her shit out of the window?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32LAUGHTER
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Is it how many people have wished me happy birthday today?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- AUDIENCE: Ah!- It's not my birthday, it's fair enough.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39LAUGHTER
0:17:39 > 0:17:42How much will Arsenal get for Alexis Sanchez next summer?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:46 > 0:17:48OK, I didn't have the correct answer
0:17:48 > 0:17:50of what zero was in the news this week.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54It's by how much has the average life expectancy of women
0:17:54 > 0:17:56gone up in the UK in the last few years?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58You're absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06what increase in life expectancy did British women see in recent years?
0:18:06 > 0:18:11Amongst British men, life expectancy increased by 0.08%.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Whoa! Take that, ladies!- Suck it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Analysis reveals that, while life expectancy
0:18:15 > 0:18:17in the rest of Europe continues to surge,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Britain's progress between 2011 and 2015 stalled.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23What is the life expectancy in this country, do you know?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Er, it is 8... No, I don't know.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER
0:18:27 > 0:18:2979, is it for...? 83, isn't it?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31For women, yeah. But for men, it's 79.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Whereas in other countries, in Ireland, for example,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- it's 80 for men. - Wow, what a difference!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Well, I'm sorry, you won't be saying that when I move there at 79.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Another year - ha-ha-ha! - Well, if you move there at 79,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- I will have been dead for quite a long time.- You should go now.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Hugh, you should go now. - I'll attend your funeral, Hugh.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53I'll give a speech.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I'll say, "Hugh always told me I was the wind beneath his wings."
0:18:56 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:02 > 0:19:04This is all a concern of one bloke, though.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07This story's in the news because of one bloke, isn't it?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11He said that this is as big a crisis as any other in the NHS.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14You go, "You just want to cheer up, mate." Don't you think?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Because worrying like that is not good for your health.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22If you look at Kim Jong-un, right, he lives a little,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26he eats a lot, because he knows the world could end tomorrow.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:30My husband is nine years older than me.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34I would quite like the male average life expectancy to come down
0:19:34 > 0:19:37because that means the sooner I get the house and the pension, so...
0:19:37 > 0:19:40We're very much in love, thank you.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44In other news, what have doctors in the UK warned about?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Henry VIII's back.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Is it where people check their symptoms on the internet
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- and get...- Yes, it's cyberchondria.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I'd never heard of cyberchondria and then I looked it up
0:19:56 > 0:19:58and realised it's the only illness I don't have.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I've been a massive hypochondriac, big time.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06My doctor hated me, this guy. One time, I remember him looking at me.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I was standing there and he went, "That is your hip."
0:20:09 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Were you going, "It's sticking out"?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Yeah, that's exactly what I was doing.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Really? - You said that as a joke just then.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I was literally going, "Why is this sticking out?"
0:20:20 > 0:20:25And he was like, through gritted teeth, "That is your hip."
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"You notice you've got one on the other side."
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Argh, argh, argh! LAUGHTER
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And I got cured by him, eventually.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I was seeing another doctor and it was a lady doctor
0:20:36 > 0:20:38and I'd got convinced...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41But if you're a hypochondriac for long enough,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43eventually you are convinced that that something is...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46you haven't got a normal D.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49So, I was like, "You've got to look at it.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52"I swear, it's the worst."
0:20:52 > 0:20:55She said - and I've checked with other doctors about this,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59and, apparently, they've said this is not standard protocol -
0:20:59 > 0:21:02she said, "I can't look at that on my own.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04"I've got to get someone else in."
0:21:04 > 0:21:09So, she got - and this is definitely not on - the receptionist.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12LAUGHTER
0:21:14 > 0:21:17She came in, I showed it to both of them.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21The receptionist had no comment to make whatsoever.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22The doctor said, "That's fine."
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Cos I was like, "I don't want to ever come back here again,"
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I was, like, "Are you sure?" She went, "I'll get another doctor in."
0:21:27 > 0:21:31So, a third person came in and it was the guy who I'd shown my hip to.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33He came in and he took one look at me
0:21:33 > 0:21:36and was like, "Oh, of course it's you!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39"Only you would have three people in here looking at your dick."
0:21:39 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:44And he grabbed it and very dismissively went, "That's fine!"
0:21:44 > 0:21:47And I was, like, "I'm never going to the doctor's ever again."
0:21:47 > 0:21:50And that's how I got cured of it, eventually,
0:21:50 > 0:21:51is cos I just felt so humiliated.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Also, it's very difficult to go to the doctor's again
0:21:53 > 0:21:55when the receptionist has seen your penis.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00The problem I've got, I'm not a hypochondriac, I'm just ill, always.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I've got the immune system it looks like I've got.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- The other day... - ELLIE LAUGHS
0:22:05 > 0:22:09You do look sort of like the ghost of a Victorian child.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:14It's all adding up. A Tudor perhaps?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16The other day, I had to take a heartburn tablet
0:22:16 > 0:22:19because I'd got heartburn from taking a hay fever tablet.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Moving on, why was this lady back in the news?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Because we put the picture through some software
0:22:26 > 0:22:28and it turns out she's gay.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:30 > 0:22:33That would be an enormously surprising result
0:22:33 > 0:22:34if that case turned out.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37It turns out that the photographer who owns the camera,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41who set up the camera, put all the settings into the camera,
0:22:41 > 0:22:46is the owner of photograph and not the animal that pressed the button.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Basically, a monkey took a selfie,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51which could be the tag line for Instagram.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:54What is astonishing,
0:22:54 > 0:22:59is that this legal battle with a man versus a monkey has taken two years
0:22:59 > 0:23:02and we think we can sort out Brexit in less time than that.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Yeah, but it only took two years cos his lawyer was a sloth.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:16And at the end of round, points go to Ed, Ellie and Rhys.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27so can everyone make their way over to the performance area, please?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:29 > 0:23:32and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37unlikely lines from a sci-fi film.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Oh, my God! He's come back through the portal!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Who? Henry VIII.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:47BUZZER
0:23:47 > 0:23:49This is a problem, sir.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I launched a four-tonne torpedo
0:23:51 > 0:23:53but it wouldn't flush.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54LAUGHTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:56BUZZER
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I felt a terrible disturbance in the force, like a million voices...
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Oh, no, it's just wind. Sorry.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:08BUZZER
0:24:08 > 0:24:11We've shot down one of the flying saucers
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and now there's rice paper and sherbert everywhere.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:17BUZZER
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I can't fly this thing without a manual.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Forget about Emmanuel - he's not coming back!
0:24:22 > 0:24:23LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:25BUZZER
0:24:25 > 0:24:28You've eaten Han Solo?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Oh, Chewie, that was a Wookiee mistake.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:33 > 0:24:35BUZZER
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Lord Vader, the results are in for the naming of the new Death Star.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44The public wish to call it Deathy McDeathface.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:46 > 0:24:47BUZZER
0:24:49 > 0:24:54I see you've attempted to create a new lightsaber,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56which is disappointing, because you're 40, Gary,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59and meant to be looking after our son!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:02BUZZER
0:25:02 > 0:25:04It's Alien versus Predator
0:25:04 > 0:25:06at Subbuteo.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07LAUGHTER
0:25:07 > 0:25:09BUZZER
0:25:11 > 0:25:13So, Obi-Wan.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Sorry, what did he win?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18LAUGHTER
0:25:18 > 0:25:19BUZZER
0:25:19 > 0:25:21APPLAUSE
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Number one, you have the bridge.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24I'm off for a number two.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26LAUGHTER
0:25:26 > 0:25:27BUZZER
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I've been asleep for a thousand years,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33cryogenically frozen in time, and now I wake up and see...
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Oh, someone's drawn a cock and balls on my face, haven't they?
0:25:36 > 0:25:37BUZZER
0:25:37 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Mrs Skywalker, I'm afraid the baby's stuck in the birth canal.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- SHE PANTS - Use the forceps!
0:25:46 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:49BUZZER
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Yoda, Chewie, Darth Vader.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Shag, marry, kill, that order.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:02My name is Optimus Prime and today I'm going to save the world,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04so you'll be doing me a massive favour
0:26:04 > 0:26:06if you can move this MOT to tomorrow.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:09BUZZER
0:26:10 > 0:26:13This ship will self-destruct in T minus 5.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15OK, sure, but how long actually is that?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Because no-one's told me what T actually is.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:21BUZZER
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I think these super-intelligent beings want us
0:26:25 > 0:26:27to learn their language.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30If you wanna come 'ere, you have to speak English, mate!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:32 > 0:26:35BUZZER OK, the next topic is...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Things you wouldn't hear on a political discussion show.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Contenders, ready.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:46BUZZER
0:26:47 > 0:26:49We'll take a question from the back.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Yes, the man in the blue tie,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53with the haunted look of a nonce on the run.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56LAUGHTER
0:26:56 > 0:26:57BUZZER
0:26:57 > 0:27:00On tonight's programme, we'll be discussing the NHS,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02fracking and affordable housing.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Only joking, it's fucking Brexit again.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06BUZZER
0:27:06 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Most people don't realise the bell is called Big Ben and not the clock.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15The clock is called Tickety Ted The Time-Telling Bitch.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER
0:27:17 > 0:27:19BUZZER
0:27:21 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:27:24 > 0:27:29On Newsnight tonight, drugs, binge drinking and prostitution.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32We have the best aftershow party on television.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:35BUZZER
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Hi, I'm Tess Daly.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40And I'm Tom Daley.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Welcome to the Daily Politics.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43LAUGHTER
0:27:43 > 0:27:44BUZZER
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Hello and welcome to Question Time.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Is it real or is it just a fabricated construct?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Join us as we question time.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55LAUGHTER
0:27:55 > 0:27:56BUZZER
0:27:56 > 0:27:59APPLAUSE
0:28:00 > 0:28:03And here with us, Theresa May.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06LAUGHTER
0:28:06 > 0:28:07BUZZER
0:28:07 > 0:28:09APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:13We keep trying ways to stop Isis and we keep failing, so I ask you this.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Has anyone tried a petition?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17LAUGHTER
0:28:17 > 0:28:19BUZZER
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Vince Cable sitting on the table!
0:28:22 > 0:28:23# Vince Cable sitting on a table!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25# Vince Cable sitting on a table
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# We've run out of chairs. #
0:28:27 > 0:28:30LAUGHTER
0:28:30 > 0:28:31BUZZER
0:28:31 > 0:28:33APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:36What would the average Victorian-era butler have thought of this news?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Well, joining us now is Jacob Rees Mogg.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41LAUGHTER
0:28:41 > 0:28:43BUZZER
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Ukip is not a single issue party.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49We're not only worried about immigration.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53We're worried about foreigners and people from abroad.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54LAUGHTER
0:28:54 > 0:28:56BUZZER
0:28:56 > 0:28:58APPLAUSE
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Robert Peston on Sunday -
0:29:00 > 0:29:03the first lyric rejected by Craig David.
0:29:03 > 0:29:04LAUGHTER
0:29:04 > 0:29:05BUZZER
0:29:05 > 0:29:07APPLAUSE
0:29:07 > 0:29:10We should stop arguing. Surely we can all agree
0:29:10 > 0:29:12whoever smelt it, dealt it.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14LAUGHTER
0:29:14 > 0:29:15BUZZER
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Yes, my question is for Mr Davis.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Er, I get wetter as I dry. What am I?
0:29:22 > 0:29:24LAUGHTER
0:29:24 > 0:29:26BUZZER
0:29:27 > 0:29:29And tonight, we'll be trying something new
0:29:29 > 0:29:32so, gentlemen, if you could just all flop them out,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34we can finally see whose is biggest.
0:29:34 > 0:29:35LAUGHTER
0:29:35 > 0:29:36BUZZER
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Yes, we had a question from a man wearing glasses
0:29:40 > 0:29:42and a red and white striped jumper.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44Does anyone know where he's sitting?
0:29:44 > 0:29:46BUZZER
0:29:46 > 0:29:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:49 > 0:29:54No, I, I, I absolutely do believe in free speech
0:29:54 > 0:29:55and I would love to say this.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Fuck off!
0:29:57 > 0:30:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:00 > 0:30:01BUZZER
0:30:01 > 0:30:05Points at the end of that round go to Ed, Ellie and Rhys.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:11 > 0:30:13And that's the end of the show.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16This week's winners are James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:19 > 0:30:23Commiserations to Rhys James, Ellie Taylor and Ed Byrne.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:37 > 0:30:41# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:43 > 0:30:46# Read all about it
0:30:46 > 0:30:48# Read all about it
0:30:48 > 0:30:51# News of the world News of the world. #