0:00:03 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:19# Read all about it! Read all about it!
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# News of the world! News of the world!
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Read all about it! Read all about it!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# News of the world! News of the world! #
0:00:30 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Ivo Graham, Zoe Lyons and Ed Byrne,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:51This programme contains some strong language
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I show the panel a topical image
0:00:55 > 0:00:57and ask them to tell me what is happening.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59So, what's going on here?
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Chewbacca finally joining the dark side!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Chewbacca meeting Luke Shite-talker!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Is the soldier saying, "No, I'm afraid there's been a mistake,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15"I'm not President Bush, I'm presently a bush"?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:23He's probably saying, "At last, Theresa,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26"you have finally decided to be yourself!"
0:01:26 > 0:01:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Is that a soldier thanking Boris for the hairdresser recommendation?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Is he saying, "You're exactly what I don't want for Brexit,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41"I want no strings attached"?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:46APPLAUSE
0:01:46 > 0:01:50That is what we call satire!
0:01:51 > 0:01:52We should do more of that.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57And Hugh started his own applause break, you might want to take note.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00That was a man dressed as a plant
0:02:00 > 0:02:02talking to a man who acts like a vegetable!
0:02:05 > 0:02:06APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:02:06 > 0:02:07OK.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Stop this now, all of you.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13You earn them, or nothing, that's it, right?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16How did it feel then when you said that bit
0:02:16 > 0:02:19and there wasn't an applause at the end? It must have felt awful.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21It felt real!
0:02:21 > 0:02:22LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Is this what Boris found
0:02:28 > 0:02:31when he used a coat hanger to unclog his shower?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33GROANING
0:02:34 > 0:02:37That's very, yeah... It's hair, people, it's reality, you know?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- How would you know, Dara? - It's not just hair.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:43APPLAUSE
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Zoe Lyons, I do the Dara is bald jokes around here!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Could somebody, please...? Yes, Hugh, just tell me,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57so we can move on with our lives.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Boris is in the news because he did an article for The Telegraph
0:03:00 > 0:03:03in which he outlined his vision for Brexit
0:03:03 > 0:03:06and he's annoyed the rest of the Cabinet and everyone else...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10APPLAUSE
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Yes, this is a picture of Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson
0:03:14 > 0:03:15visiting British troops in Estonia.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18This week, he wrote an article for The Daily Telegraph in which
0:03:18 > 0:03:20he laid out his vision for a hard Brexit
0:03:20 > 0:03:23and repeated the disputed claim that £350 million a week
0:03:23 > 0:03:25could be made available for the NHS.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26The article was seen by many
0:03:26 > 0:03:28as a challenge to Theresa May's authority.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31At the time of recording, Johnson is still Foreign Secretary.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Why was Johnson's article controversial?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Because it goes against what Theresa May is trying to put out
0:03:38 > 0:03:41on her stall, her Brexit stall.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44She wants the possibility of a slightly soft Brexit,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48a sort of transitionary period where we won't quite be out
0:03:48 > 0:03:52and we're not quite in - a bit like Catholic sex.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54LAUGHTER
0:03:54 > 0:03:56You're allowed to be in, but then you've got to come out.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57You can be in when you're in,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59but you've got to be out when you're out.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I'm glad he wrote it. I'm glad he wrote that article because,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05for too long now, we've all been wondering,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"What does Boris Johnson think about Brexit?"
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:11He's such an elusive figure.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You Google it and it comes up dry every time!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16There's too much internal discussion about Brexit,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18we're just hearing too much about it.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Frankly, fire the team who are doing it
0:04:20 > 0:04:25and just get, like, teenage boys to negotiate it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And, at the end of every meeting, they should go, "Uh, I don't know."
0:04:28 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:32It would just calm down the natural discussion hugely.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"What steps are we taking?" "Oh, I can't remember! Stop hassling me!"
0:04:37 > 0:04:39And then, when you go through their briefcases and go,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"This is how old? This is a trade document!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"How long has this been sitting in your bag?"
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"Ugh! I don't know!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"There's loads of them. Just sign it. Uhhh."
0:04:49 > 0:04:52APPLAUSE
0:04:52 > 0:04:53He had a big row this week
0:04:53 > 0:04:55with the boss of the Statistics Authority
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- over the 350 million claim. - He did, he did.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59And a lot of it comes from confusion over the numbers
0:04:59 > 0:05:01as to whether it's gross or net.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03The thing we need to understand is that Boris is gross.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Boris brought up the £350 million.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09A bell should go off when people say 350 million now.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It's just a gangsta move, man, I respect him for it.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Fair play.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Lie, get exposed for it, and say the same lie to the same people
0:05:17 > 0:05:22without batting an eyelid. What an absolute gangsta!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24APPLAUSE
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Brilliant.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Even now, when he was pulled up about it, he said,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"No, I did say that. I didn't say we'd get it back.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"I said we'd regain control of it."
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Like there's £350 million, like, it's the end of the Crystal Maze
0:05:37 > 0:05:40and it's flying around you.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43"We just need the £350 million, just calm down so we can count it."
0:05:43 > 0:05:47That is a Brexit I would vote for. That would be amazing.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52If, every week, they all had to get in and grab it all out of the air.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Well... Yes? - I tell you what...
0:05:57 > 0:06:00The first thing to go would be the Aztec Zone.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Sling your hook, you foreign scum!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I am sort of hoping he does become leader of the Tory party, though,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12because I've got a two-part bet on, which is that,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15the first part is that Boris, Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump
0:06:15 > 0:06:18will all be in charge of their respective countries.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22And the second part is that, within 15 minutes of Boris becoming leader,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24the world ends...
0:06:24 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:28..as soon as he gets his finger on that nuclear trigger.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31The last thing on Earth, Hugh Dennis walking into a Ladbrokes
0:06:31 > 0:06:34with a smile on his face, as the world blows up around him.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Boris has said one important thing, which is that you can say the number,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41like the ridiculous 350 million,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44as long as you whisper the words "up to" just beforehand.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48So, essentially, the Foreign Secretary is a broadband ad.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54"Yes, you could have speeds of up to, er, 15 meg, per hypersecond..."
0:06:54 > 0:06:58It needs that little thing at the end of Visa adverts, where they go,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"Terms and conditions apply, you may lose your house, this is bullshit."
0:07:02 > 0:07:05That's what he's doing when he goes, "Bleurgh!" It's all the words.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:07 > 0:07:09APPLAUSE
0:07:12 > 0:07:15How did the Liberal Democrat leader Vince Cable describe Johnson?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, he called him a Poundland Donald Trump.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Yes, which is bad. We don't want to offend the people of Poundland -
0:07:20 > 0:07:22the only people with whom the country
0:07:22 > 0:07:23has a trade deal at the moment.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:28He said he was a Poundland Donald Trump, in other words,
0:07:28 > 0:07:29he was an ego-driven fantasist.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32And then, in the same sentence, he said that he, Vince Cable,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35could be the next Prime Minister.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36- Yes, he did.- Yeah.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37That's bonkers.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- This world is topsy-turvy. - It is.- Who knows, who knows?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44More people have turned up at the Bournemouth Lib Dem conference
0:07:44 > 0:07:47than they were expecting. They had to put two more chairs out!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49LAUGHTER
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I think he'd be a great Prime Minister.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I think Vince Cable would take us all the way up to the top.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57It might be shaky sometimes and may be dangerous,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59but once we reach the summit, we'll ski...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, I'm thinking of cable cars.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:05APPLAUSE
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Moving on.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11How did Donald Trump react to North Korea's latest missile test?
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Well, he called Kim Jong-un "Rocket Man".
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- Yes.- Those nicknames are really annoying, aren't they?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Don't you think, Science Guy?
0:08:20 > 0:08:21LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:26APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Quite happy with that one.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30And I'd also imagine that Kim Jong-un
0:08:30 > 0:08:32is quite happy with "Rocket Man".
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I mean, it's not like "Crooked Hillary",
0:08:34 > 0:08:36or "Little Marco" for Marco Rubio.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Like, normally, he picks something insulting,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40but Rocket Man's kind of cool.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Elton John must be peeved, though, mustn't he?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47He must think, "There's money coming in from North Korea now!"
0:08:47 > 0:08:49When he finally just lays waste to North Korea
0:08:49 > 0:08:51and it's just a smoking hole,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Kim Jong-un will just come out and go,
0:08:53 > 0:08:54"I'm still standing!"
0:08:54 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:56APPLAUSE
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Bravo, bravo, boom.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- They've got a missile called a Nodong.- Nodong!- Nodong.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Which is very much a motto for my life!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I think it's great he keeps testing nuclear weapons.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17I don't know why everyone's complaining.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19The more he tests, the less he's got.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Test them all.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- This, by the way... - Ah, photo of the year.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29..is definitely photo of the year, this is, if not of all time.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31This, I just adore this.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36This is just a random 11-year-old who wrote in, saying,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"I'd love to mow the White House lawn."
0:09:38 > 0:09:41And, as part of it, got Trump just shouting at him.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- "Tighten up those borders!"- Yeah.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:47APPLAUSE
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"And when you've done that, I've got a wall that needs building too."
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I'm not surprised he's cross, though,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59the kid has mowed off his feet.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"Barron, why are you mowing the lawn?
0:10:06 > 0:10:07"We have people to do that.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11"Honey, why is Barron...?" "That's not our son!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"He's gone to school in Maryland right now."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"Why is he mowing the lawn?!"
0:10:15 > 0:10:16He's probably going,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"You are my last option. Do you want be be White House press secretary?"
0:10:19 > 0:10:20APPLAUSE
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Have you seen the finished job that the kid did?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Oh, well, I'm not impressed with the job so far.- No, it makes sense.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32If you see it as an aerial shot, he mowed in, "I voted for Hillary."
0:10:35 > 0:10:38At the end of that round, the points go to James, Hugh and Gary.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40APPLAUSE
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Now we play a round called I Like A Buttery Brexit Base.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49This game involves Gary and Ivo,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I launch the Wheel of News and, wherever it chooses to stop,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04The first subject is class.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Can somebody talk about that, please?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Ivo.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Hello, my name's Ivo. I'm a posh man
0:11:10 > 0:11:13and that's because I studied at an all-boys boarding school.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Not just any all-boys boarding school - I studied for five years
0:11:15 > 0:11:17at the least popular all-boys boarding school
0:11:17 > 0:11:20of them all, I studied for five years at Eton College.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21I like to mention that early doors cos then
0:11:21 > 0:11:24if you think that I've come across up till this point
0:11:24 > 0:11:26as an entitled prick, you have your reasons.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28If, on the other hand, you think
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I've come across as a very charming and humble young man, well,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33it just goes to show what a master of disguise I truly am.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34It's not a popular school.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37When I started doing comedy, I was nervous about dropping the E-bomb
0:11:37 > 0:11:39on stage and a friend said, you should mention it,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41maybe at the end of gigs if the gig has gone well.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Maybe with a sort of triumphalist tone.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45"Tough luck, fools -
0:11:45 > 0:11:48"this show was brought to you by the establishment. Goodnight."
0:11:48 > 0:11:50And then I'd saunter off.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52APPLAUSE
0:11:52 > 0:11:53I'm I denial about my past.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I'm a classic example, politically, of a champagne socialist -
0:11:56 > 0:11:59someone who believes in all the left-wing things like social justice
0:11:59 > 0:12:02and equality, but, fundamentally, I'm aware I come from a background
0:12:02 > 0:12:04of privilege, which means I don't really have to walk the walk.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Classic champagne socialist.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Even though, ironically, I don't actually like champagne...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11and I do agree with quite a lot of Conservative policy,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13so it's a tricky balance.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15In my everyday life, I don't know who I am,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I don't know who to vote for.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I voted Labour in every UK general election so far, but mainly
0:12:19 > 0:12:22cos I've always lived in quite safe Labour seats,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25so it doesn't really...affect anything.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27That's the beauty of being a champagne socialist
0:12:27 > 0:12:29in a safe Labour seat - you can pop along, vote Labour
0:12:29 > 0:12:32with all your cool left-wing friends, but know that, overall,
0:12:32 > 0:12:33things will probably be fine.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Put me in a swing seat, next time,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39then we'll see how much of Daddy's money I really want.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41APPLAUSE
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Thank you very much, Ivo.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48OK, that leaves us with Gary. Let's see what your topic is.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Let's spin the wheel.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52The topic is animals.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- AUDIENCE:- Aww.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I don't like to eat anything labelled "reformed ham",
0:12:59 > 0:13:03as I think it's unfair that the pigs are slaughtered
0:13:03 > 0:13:05after they've got their lives back on track.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Last night I had to get towed home
0:13:09 > 0:13:12cos Ratty and Moley were too pissed.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Whenever I see ginger people going grey,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22I'm always reminded of the sad plight of our native squirrels.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I went round Grandad's to walk his dog.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30As I was leaving the house, he said "Don't forget poo bags."
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I was, like, "All right. Gran!"
0:13:38 > 0:13:40My girlfriend's a cat person.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray
0:13:41 > 0:13:43and disappears for days at a time.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I tried swimming with dolphins once,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50but I didn't like it as I found them very clicky.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Dolphins who die without any money are given a porpoise funeral.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03So, the other day, I was chewing on some monkey nuts
0:14:03 > 0:14:05and now I'm banned from the zoo.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12"Doctor, Doctor, I'm addicted to screwing dogs."
0:14:12 > 0:14:13"Have you tried patches?"
0:14:13 > 0:14:14"What's he? A poodle?"
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking
0:14:19 > 0:14:22and then I went to watch the crocodiles and I was still wanking.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Thank you very much, Gary Delaney.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Thank you. Points for everyone. Come back.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39On the board are six categories.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Ivo, which category would you like?
0:14:41 > 0:14:42I would like environment, please, Dara.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45OK, your category is environment. The answer is...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49What is the question?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52What was the original title of Sun, Sex And Suspicious Parents?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Is it what does Jacob Rees-Mogg refuse to touch?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Is it name three things you can buy battered in Scotland?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Is it one of the secret service code names
0:15:08 > 0:15:11for Donald, Eric and Melania Trump?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Is this the most we can hope to walk away with from Brexit negotiations?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22APPLAUSE
0:15:24 > 0:15:28What's the strapline for the movie Elvis - The Final Years?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Is it in rat Sainsbury's,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35what three items constitute the meal deal?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Is it three things you should never put in a NutriBullet?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47What are the last three things I put my penis in?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Is it what are the three worst nicknames I had at school?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Genuine sympathy, that was the reaction I was going for, then.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00But they're his nicknames NOW.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03APPLAUSE
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I think that's actually our team, left to right.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I'm happy to be that one.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17What are the three things in Axl Rose's hurricane preparedness kit?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28This is the fatberg that's been found in the sewer in London,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31which is a massive monster, apparently.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32APPLAUSE
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Yes, absolutely. Thank you very much, Zoe.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40what are some of the items that make up the "monster fatberg"
0:16:40 > 0:16:42which was found in London's sewage network last week?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45This is the news that sewage workers in East London have
0:16:45 > 0:16:48discovered a giant mass of congealed fat underground.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It's thought to be one of the biggest ever.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54At 250 metres long, the fatberg is estimated to weigh 130 tonnes
0:16:54 > 0:16:57and workers predict that it will take three weeks to clear.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59GROANING
0:16:59 > 0:17:01What does everyone make of the monster fatberg?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- We all want a go of it.- We do!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07We all want to have a go at helping break that up.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- They're shooting it with, like, massive...- Jet wash.- ..jet washes.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- Yeah, they are, yeah. - How satisfying would that be?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15They should just get a load of tortilla chips.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22I can't help thinking that clearing a massive 250-metre-long fatberg
0:17:22 > 0:17:24is going to be one of the jobs we find it more difficult
0:17:24 > 0:17:26to fill after Brexit.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I unblocked my own drain using my own pressure washer.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35It was absolutely chock-full of mine,
0:17:35 > 0:17:36my wife's and my children's shit.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- And probably yours, Dara. - Possibly, possibly. Who knows?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Often I've driven out to your house especially.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Yeah, you might well have been the one that caused the blockage.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53Well, who knows? It's difficult to fingerprint this stuff, isn't it?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55But I know what's not difficult - getting rid of it.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- I got the pressure and... - HE IMITATES WASHER
0:17:57 > 0:17:59..and it was so satis...
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It was more satisfying than the combined effort
0:18:01 > 0:18:04of doing all those shits.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I did it, I got it wrong once when I was doing much the same thing.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I was unblocking a drain, but you properly did it from the...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12So you weren't in the way of whatever...
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- I got a bit pebbledashed, yeah. - Did you?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20I just unblocked a massive sort of block and then I just heard
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- this sort of... - HE POPS
0:18:23 > 0:18:27..and then this tsunami of shite coming towards me.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30It hadn't occurred to me, weirdly, that there would be
0:18:30 > 0:18:32a tsunami of shite heading towards me.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Am I the only person here who gets a man in when that needs to be done?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Can I just say...I am a man?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I had an incident a few years back in Thailand.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45We were in one of those holiday villages,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48the little cottages, you know, and, erm...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Well, we had to move because of an incident.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55We had to pack up and move and I had to go to the reception and go,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"We're going to need a different cottage."
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"We're going to need a bigger toilet."
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Did you go, "I have broken this cottage"?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- "I have broken..." - "I want you to pick up this cottage.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07"Never rent this cottage again to anyone.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09"This is now a haunted cottage."
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I broke Ko Samui.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"The entire island. Shut it down! Shut down the entire island!
0:19:15 > 0:19:20"I have done a poo so big this entire holiday island
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"is now over, it's finished with."
0:19:22 > 0:19:26I had a horrible time in Thailand once. She said her name was No Dong.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:32That turned out to be quite the misnomer.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I'm so proud of the fatberg, man. I'm so proud of it.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38My whole life, all I've dedicated my whole life
0:19:38 > 0:19:40to try and make the world's biggest fatberg ever,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42and every day I wake up,
0:19:42 > 0:19:47I just get a big vat of oil and I just tip it down the shower drain
0:19:47 > 0:19:49and I shout, "Grow, fatberg, grow."
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Every morning, people come round, I'm, like,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55"You got any nappies? We'll flush them down the toilet.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57"You watch the news, I'll be big one day."
0:19:57 > 0:19:59And now, finally, the fatberg has happened
0:19:59 > 0:20:00and I've made my mark in history.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I don't think it's right to call it a fatberg if it's actually man-made.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I think it should be the Shite-anic.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Starring Leonardo DiCrapio.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15APPLAUSE
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- Who is trying to get a piece of this fatberg?- The Museum of London...
0:20:21 > 0:20:27- Yes.- ..want it and it's, like, they contacted Thames Water. Who had...?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Who drew the short straw and had to be the person to ask,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32"Yeah, you know that mass of congealed fat
0:20:32 > 0:20:34"that's full of shit and condoms?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36"Can we have it?"
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- JAMES:- They won't get the fatberg.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43They're going to find themselves in a bidding war with yours truly.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I'm going to buy that fatberg and guess what?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I'm going to flush it all down the toilet again.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50APPLAUSE
0:20:55 > 0:20:58They can use it at Madame Tussauds for the unpopular celebrities,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- the Piers Morgan room, something like that.- Excellent idea!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04For all we know, this is just Madame Tussauds quietly, like,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06melting down the Jimmy Savile statue.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09SHOCKED LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"We've got to get rid of all the 1970s section.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15"Get rid of all the '70s section. Sorry, Rolf."
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Tipping them all down the sink. "Quick, quick!"
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Moving on...- Moving on? Why would you want to move on from this?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Do you know what? I could talk about the fatberg for the rest of the day,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- but I feel other stories... - You just feel, you don't
0:21:29 > 0:21:31like it cos Fatberg was your nickname at school.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33APPLAUSE
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- It truly wasn't.- I know.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- It was Baldy.- It wasn't Baldy!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- Bald even then.- I wasn't even bald.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I did not look like a 45-year-old man at school.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46He did. I didn't know him, but he did.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- JAMES:- He didn't look like a 45-year-old man.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50He looked like an fatberg.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55It's all coming back now! Argh! I'm regressing!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58It wasn't either of those, anyway, was it? It was Megabus.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Who are unaware...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03APPLAUSE
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Moving on, who annoyed British holiday-makers over the weekend?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Foreigners.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Probably! Just milling around these foreign places.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19"Oh, no, they're here as well!"
0:22:19 > 0:22:23"We have enough of your lot at home. I came here to get away from you!"
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Blergh!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- It was Ryanair, Dara. - It was Ryanair. Why was it Ryanair?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- What did they do?- Well, they cancelled lots of flights.- They did.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33So, you know, it's not all bad news.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35You might lose your holiday that you've waited all year for,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38but, on the other hand, you never have to go to Luton.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41They cancelled 80 flights on Sunday
0:22:41 > 0:22:44and they're averaging more than 50 flights they're cancelling
0:22:44 > 0:22:48a day at the moment because pilots have gone on holidays, which is
0:22:48 > 0:22:53kind of also sort of sweet that the pilots all go on holidays together.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56They all go and they're all going, "Whey! Where will we go?
0:22:56 > 0:22:57"Oh, no, let's get the train."
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It's just business as usual, really.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03On the flight over, they sell you a lottery ticket
0:23:03 > 0:23:05and, if you win, they fly you back.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10If they messed up when the pilots have their holiday,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13why not just find out where the pilot wants to go on holiday
0:23:13 > 0:23:15and they can fly that plane to that place?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17APPLAUSE
0:23:18 > 0:23:21At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Zoe and Ivo.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I'll read out this week's topics
0:23:29 > 0:23:31and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:38 > 0:23:42The following programme contains swearing right from the fucking start.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45APPLAUSE
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Up next, The Walking Dead.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Oops, sorry - Songs Of Praise.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57It's time for some continuity!
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Now on Channel 5, we explore the bizarre underworld
0:24:05 > 0:24:07of bondage ballroom dancing.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09It's Come Strictly.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17And now it's my favourite - The Crystal Meth. Maze!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Coming up next on Channel 4...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Oh, my God, those buildings are in the shape of a four!
0:24:27 > 0:24:28This is amazing!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35And now our Friday night horror film, Bruce Willis
0:24:35 > 0:24:38stars as a ghost who doesn't realise he's dead in The Sixth...
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Oh, I've ruined it, haven't I?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Up next on Naked Attraction,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47a man who's going to spend the next three years
0:24:47 > 0:24:50telling his friends it was a lot colder than it looked in the studio.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56If you're sat at home this afternoon and you're not in your 80s,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59well, this programme is just like you - it's Pointless.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Well, we all love Chanel No 5.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08This is nothing like it. It's Channel 5.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14APPLAUSE
0:25:14 > 0:25:16And now our Saturday night thriller,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Kevin Spacey stars as the shady gangster Keyser Soze in...
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I've done it again, haven't I?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27From the makers of Love Island, Cul-De-Sac Orgy.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31APPLAUSE
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Coming up next on ITV, will Dara cop off with Ed in Love Ireland?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44APPLAUSE
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Next up, The 40-Year-Old Virgin.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Oh, sorry, Robot Wars.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56APPLAUSE
0:25:56 > 0:25:59The following programme contains material that some viewers
0:25:59 > 0:26:01may find distressing.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Unless you're my ex-wife, Karen, of course.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Nothing's going to melt that cold bitch's heart.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13We've just bought Bake Off cos anyone can.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15We're a porn channel!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18We bought Bake Off! Just for a joke!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21We just did it as a joke, but we've got it now!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24We've got the new series of Bake Off! We're going to show it!
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Like, just, banging, banging, banging, Bake Off, banging again.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32It's a joke!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38This is Dave Deja Vu,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40where we repeat the repeats we repeated earlier.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Now, ladies, you know what time it is.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Time to pour yourself a glass of wine, light some candles,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52cos next up it's Dara O Briain's Go 8 Bit.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58APPLAUSE
0:27:03 > 0:27:06That...that is unlikely, Ed. Correct.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10OK, the next topic is...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Well, they said it would never happen, but after a hunt over
0:27:15 > 0:27:1812 years, spanning 62 countries,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21the police have finally found Wally.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Irma has been blowing all over the city for two days now,
0:27:29 > 0:27:31but enough about your mum - here's the weather.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37In the studio with us today,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump
0:27:40 > 0:27:43in what can only be described as a Newsround exclusive.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51We're yet to hear President Trump's view on the matter.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Well, I have spoken to a lot of people here at the SNP conference
0:27:59 > 0:28:02and they have all said the same thing -
0:28:02 > 0:28:04"Piss off back to London, you English bastard."
0:28:08 > 0:28:09And I'm at Buckingham Palace,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11where excitement is growing amid rumours that Prince Charles
0:28:11 > 0:28:14has absolutely lost the plot and is about to appear on the balcony
0:28:14 > 0:28:16bollock-naked, singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Damn right BBC News is biased.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23This next story's about how I'm hot to trot
0:28:23 > 0:28:25and all the ladies want to do me.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33It's now been four days since Piers Morgan went missing.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36The police have appealed for anyone with information on his whereabouts
0:28:36 > 0:28:38to please, please, please keep it to themselves.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44And now for the news in your local area.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45You've got thrush.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- IRISH ACCENT:- Hello, I'm Orla Guerin.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58I'd really like a hug.
0:29:03 > 0:29:04Here are the headlines...
0:29:11 > 0:29:14I'm just saying, say "spoiler alert" next time or something.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Some of us want the weather to be a surprise.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23And I'm reporting now from the DUP conference this year,
0:29:23 > 0:29:26which is surprisingly sponsored by Grindr.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32And we've got some intel on the killers.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35They're good live, but their albums are patchy as fuck.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Finally, we've discovered the true identity of Banksy.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43He is none other than...
0:29:43 > 0:29:44The Stig.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51I met a woman earlier who'd lost both her home
0:29:51 > 0:29:53and her business in the flood.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55I asked her how she was coping.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57She told me to go fuck myself.
0:30:00 > 0:30:01APPLAUSE
0:30:01 > 0:30:03OK, OK, at the end of that round,
0:30:03 > 0:30:05the points go to James, Hugh and Gary.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07APPLAUSE
0:30:11 > 0:30:13That's the end of the show. This week's winners are
0:30:13 > 0:30:15Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Commiserations to Ivo Graham, Zoe Lyons and Ed Byrne.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:30 > 0:30:35# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:35 > 0:30:39# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:41 > 0:30:44# Read all about it
0:30:44 > 0:30:46# Read all about it
0:30:46 > 0:30:48# News of the world
0:30:48 > 0:30:50# News of the world. #