0:00:01 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho, Jack Whitehall,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Carl Donnelly.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Here's a picture from this week's Labour party conference, but what does EMDB stand for?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Is it how Ed Miliband was chosen?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03"Eenie meenie dibble bibble."
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Is it "Ed, marvellous! Double crossing bastard"?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12David is threatening Ed
0:01:12 > 0:01:15and he's reminding him of something he used to do.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17"Remember, Ed, make damp bed."
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Looking at the acting on David's face,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23is it "elder Miliband deserves BAFTA?"
0:01:25 > 0:01:30Is it what David should have done the minute he was born. "Eradicate my dad's bollocks"?
0:01:30 > 0:01:36Is it "Ernie marginally defeats Bert"?
0:01:38 > 0:01:43Is it something to do with the way Ed's standing? Is it "Ed Miliband disguises boner"?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I reckon it is just a headline from The Daily Mail.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53"Evil, Marxist, dictator bastard".
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- I need the correct answer. - Does the E stand for Ed?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Yes.- Does the M stand for Miliband?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Yes, it does. You are very good at this game.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Does the D stand for David and does the B stand for Biliband?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Is it "Ed's mother is David's brother"?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:17APPLAUSE
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- Is it "Ed Miliband defeats brother"? - It is, indeed. Yes. Well done.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Yes, the answer I was looking for was "Ed Miliband defeats brother".
0:02:32 > 0:02:35This is the news that Ed Miliband had become the leader of the Labour Party
0:02:35 > 0:02:38after a nail-biting build up at the party's conference.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Ed narrowly defeated his elder brother and clear favourite David
0:02:41 > 0:02:44in one of the biggest upsets in recent British political history.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Don't you think it was really weird, in his acceptance speech, Ed Miliband said,
0:02:48 > 0:02:53"Never in my wildest imagination did I think I would become leader of this party."
0:02:53 > 0:02:56You think, "Why did you stand then?"
0:02:56 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:03:01You must have thought it was a vague idea it was a possibility.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05If we want a leader who doesn't understand how elections work,
0:03:05 > 0:03:08we might as well send a passport to Robert Mugabe!
0:03:08 > 0:03:14They were trying to encourage him to actually state where he is, is he Blairite, is he Brownite?
0:03:14 > 0:03:21He is saying he is his own man, but Milibandite doesn't sound like a political philosophy, does it?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24It sounds more like a strong adhesive. You know,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27"Don't use glue, use Milibandite."
0:03:27 > 0:03:32They glue him to the back of the wall in the party conference and slowly, slowly lower him.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35"He's not falling, he's not falling. Milibandite is perfect."
0:03:35 > 0:03:38He has the look of somebody on the Apprentice.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43Ever since it has been announced he is the leader he has the look of "I didn't mean THAT to happen."
0:03:43 > 0:03:49When he stood up to give his leader's speech I thought he was going to start by going, "Am I being punked?"
0:03:49 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:53He is like Beaker out of the Muppets. I love him.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Yeah, it's all, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi" with him.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01They look quite similar. If they looked a little bit more similar
0:04:01 > 0:04:04they could do that stuff that they did in Parent Trap.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07They could pretend to be each other.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10David would turn up, "It's Ed, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's Ed.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"I'll go and do my speech now... Africa Schmafrica."
0:04:13 > 0:04:16"What about gays?" And he would fine.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19It is a great plan. It is one of the best plans I've ever heard.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Turn up and do "Africa Schmafrica, what about the gays"?
0:04:22 > 0:04:28- The famous Africa Schmafrica speech! - The famous "I have a schm-dream."
0:04:28 > 0:04:32What factor led Ed to narrowly defeat his brother in this?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35This is supposed to be the unions.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40The annoying thing now is that the papers are calling him Red Ed.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43If you read The Daily Mail they say, "..Who has been dubbed Red Ed."
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Yeah, by you!
0:04:45 > 0:04:49They are calling him Red Ed partly cos he's got left wing policies
0:04:49 > 0:04:53but mainly because it rhymes with Ed.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Unfortunate, yes.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59There are lots of things that rhyme with Ed. He's in a bit of trouble,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02isn't he? If he moves to the right, it will be "Right, said Ed."
0:05:02 > 0:05:05If he gets married, "Wed Ed."
0:05:05 > 0:05:10If he wakes up with a bad hair day - bed Ed.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11It's just going to go on and on.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I like the fact all the newspapers said,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"Their policies are different, even though they're brothers."
0:05:16 > 0:05:20It would be quite cool if more political brothers came out of the woodwork.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24"Hello, I'm Colin Mugabe. My favourite festival is Glastonbury
0:05:24 > 0:05:28"cos I love anything that is run by a rich white farmer."
0:05:30 > 0:05:32To make up for the sibling rivalry,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35didn't Ed say he would give David any job he wanted?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38That leaves it open. He could get revenge by just making up a job.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Shadow McDaddy of the Exchequer?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46What if he goes, "I'll give you any job you want."
0:05:46 > 0:05:50"How about leader of the Labour Party?"
0:05:50 > 0:05:52David's hand gestures during his speech,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55he gave a speech the next day where he was talking about Ed all the time,
0:05:55 > 0:06:00but there was a camera focused on his hands and he was going,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"The thing about Ed... We have to work together."
0:06:07 > 0:06:10He kept referring to him as special over and over again.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11"Ed is a special person."
0:06:11 > 0:06:14He might as well went "I think we know what I mean."
0:06:18 > 0:06:23And references to his poor partner who was upset, obviously, cos her husband lost out on his dream,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27but kept going on about HOW upset she was and she was a violinist.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31She was upset and she was a violinist. These two facts were in every piece,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34as if she spent four days fiddling furiously.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Twang, twang, just one string!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46The first poll that came out after he was elected leader, had Labour slightly ahead.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Pollsters are constantly bringing things out all the time,
0:06:50 > 0:06:54"Who are you going to vote for?" They are nagging the whole time. "Did we not tell you?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58"I'm sure we told you who we would vote for and then voted for them."
0:06:58 > 0:06:59They're like opticians, pollsters.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01It's just "And now?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04"And now? And now?
0:07:04 > 0:07:09"And now? And now? And now?"
0:07:09 > 0:07:11"Shut up!"
0:07:11 > 0:07:17- What problems has the police been having with their E Fit pictures, have you seen this?- I have seen it.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Police in Hampshire released an E Fit is like a new,
0:07:20 > 0:07:25technologically advanced photofit, "have you seen this man?" picture,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28and they released one during the week, the Hampshire Constabulary,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31of a burglar who stole £60 from an old woman's purse.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36This is the picture. If you have seen this man you should report it.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41People were saying it was the police's fault!
0:07:41 > 0:07:46It's clearly the witness who had, "No, green, no, definitely green, his hair was."
0:07:46 > 0:07:51What, so he looks like Jimmy White, but with a Shrek wig?!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54This is the Joker, that broke into your house.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57All you can say to that is, if you were a bald man and a robber,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59get yourself an iceberg lettuce,
0:07:59 > 0:08:06hold it behind your head and only attack very short-sighted people!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08People might have green hair.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I know, it would be easy enough to trap someone with green hair.
0:08:12 > 0:08:18"Oh, yeah, you want Green Hair Dave. He can't account for HIS movements last night."
0:08:18 > 0:08:22It looks like the outcome if Keith Harris had sex with Orville.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31"I can't", "You can!", "I can't!", "You CAN!"
0:08:31 > 0:08:34"Can I sing me song now?" "Whatever. Please yourself."
0:08:34 > 0:08:38They still can't find the man, but my suggestion would be
0:08:38 > 0:08:41that he is lying low in some allotments.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:45 > 0:08:49At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Carl.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53APPLAUSE
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Our next round is called News Reel. We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:08:58 > 0:09:00and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02This week's clip features the Royal Family.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06HE MIMICS THE QUEEN: "Oh, I hate looking at houses."
0:09:06 > 0:09:09MIMICS MAN: "Hopefully this next property will really float your boat.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"It is downsizing, but the owner may take an offer.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17"It's been on the market since 1584. It's damp and it's got no roof."
0:09:18 > 0:09:22MIMICS PRINCE PHILLIP: "What a waste of an morning, I could be shooting an osprey.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"Did you know you have a meringue on your head?"
0:09:26 > 0:09:28"Look, Liz, there's a goat.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"Oh, that makes me feel peckish.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33"Where are we staying?"
0:09:33 > 0:09:36QUEEN: "In the Premier Inn."
0:09:36 > 0:09:40PHILLIP: "Could you have that delivered to the Premier Inn?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"Room 256."
0:09:42 > 0:09:45"And a shed load of pitta bread."
0:09:45 > 0:09:47QUEEN: "Where is Philip?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"Where is he? I need to talk to him about the en suite.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53MAN: "I think he might be talking to a man about a goat."
0:09:55 > 0:09:57QUEEN: "Not again. Tell me about this castle.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01"Does it have a dungeon? We need somewhere to keep Fergie."
0:10:02 > 0:10:05PHILLIP: "Tasty. Slice them thinly, a bit of chilli sauce.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09"Problem is catching them. We have to drop on them from above."
0:10:10 > 0:10:13QUEEN: "You've not been banging on about goats again?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16PHILLIP: "Who, me? Not at all, no.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"Do you like goats?"
0:10:19 > 0:10:22"Oh, my God, there's another one. They're everywhere.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"They are like Albanians, yes."
0:10:25 > 0:10:29QUEEN: "Goodbye everyone. Sorry about my husband.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30"Do you like the property?"
0:10:30 > 0:10:34PHILLIP: "I don't know. Have you asked them the question? Go on, ask, please?"
0:10:34 > 0:10:36QUEEN: "Do I have to? All right.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39"Is it near a kebab shop?"
0:10:44 > 0:10:50Now we play a round called Eat, Pray, Mock. This game involves Jack, Karl and Andi,
0:10:50 > 0:10:54so if you could make your way to the performance area. This round is a stand up challenge.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I launch a wheel of news and wherever it stops,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59one of our performers must talk about that subject.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Here we go. The first subject is...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Food. Who wants to come in on that? - I'll have that.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I eat a lot of fast food.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16My favourite is actually Subway sandwiches.
0:11:16 > 0:11:22Basically, the thing that annoys me about, I don't think it should take three people to make you a sandwich.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26If you have ever been, every time you pop in, you order food, a relay race kicks off.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30One guy gets the bread of choice out, cuts it and thinks "I can't carry on here."
0:11:33 > 0:11:37He then passes it to his friend, who puts your fillings of choice in,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39who thinks, "That'll do me at this juncture."
0:11:39 > 0:11:43The final guy wraps it up and charges you. It's not hard to make a sandwich.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I manage quite well at home on my own.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49I've never been half way through a sandwich and thought, "I need some back up."
0:11:49 > 0:11:54A strange event happened to me in a Subway. I went into one, I was the only person in the shop,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I got to the counter and the guy went, "How can I help you?"
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"I'll have a six-inch meatball marinara, please."
0:12:00 > 0:12:06Then the guy broke the news to me, "We're out of bread at the moment." "Well, shut the shop then!"
0:12:06 > 0:12:09What did he expect me to order that warranted his question?
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Like I was walking past thinking, "Do you know what I need right now? A cup of sweetcorn."
0:12:13 > 0:12:16What annoyed me was that he didn't open with the no bread.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19If you work in a sandwich shop and run out of bread, that's all you say.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22You don't let people through the door before you go, "No bread!"
0:12:22 > 0:12:24But he let me say the full name of my sandwich.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29"Can I have a six-inch meatball marinara, but rather than bread, I've got a plan.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34"I'm going to walk along the front of the counter with my mouth open and you can chuck the meatballs in."
0:12:34 > 0:12:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:38 > 0:12:41OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- The subject is identity. Who wants to come in on that?- I will!
0:12:48 > 0:12:54Well! Yeah, so being Nigerian that is the identity I most probably associate myself with
0:12:54 > 0:12:59and I have been a Nigerian a long time.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03One of the things that I love that Nigerian women do, it seems to be in our DNA,
0:13:03 > 0:13:08and that's to point with our lips for some reason, like that.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I don't know why. It is not cos our hands are full or anything.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16Also when you get really, really good at it, you can talk at the same time.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20So I have seen my mum go, "Take this one and put it over here." I love it.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:26 > 0:13:30But... Nigerian men are amazing. I love Nigerian men.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34But there's one thing about them. They cannot answer a question straight.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36They've got to answer a question with another question.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40So you could ask them something simple as "What's your name?" and they'll be,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44"Hey, hey, come on now, what do you need to know my name for?"
0:13:44 > 0:13:49"Well, it's standard procedure for a passport application. I don't make the rules."
0:13:49 > 0:13:54I hate my passport photo, I look like I have been caught in a lay by with Hugh Grant.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Thank you very much, Andi.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04OK.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09That leaves us with Jack, let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- The topic is young people.- Ooh.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15They look pretty mischievous.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20I've been in trouble once or twice before because I say the wrong thing when I get intimidated.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I get intimidated quite a lot. The night bus, I think, is the worst.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27When you go on to the night bus, on the top deck,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30and there's all these youths sat at the back like a pack of wolves,
0:14:30 > 0:14:34and the hoodies playing their music really loudly on their mobile phones.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I found out the hard way, they don't like it when you make requests.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42I didn't know what I was doing, I was drunk. I turned round, the leader of the pack's staring me,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44"Oi, bruv, what do you want?"
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"Erm, Cheryl Cole, Fight For This Love, please."
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I panic, I say the wrong thing.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55I did a student gig recently at the University of Warrington.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57It was quite a hostile environment.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I went up on the stage before I'd done any of my material, this big guy
0:15:00 > 0:15:05in the front row got up and went, "Oi, mate, get on with your jokes. I came here for the comedy."
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I said, "No, you didn't. You came cos you screwed up your A-levels."
0:15:09 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I think it's something I get from my parents.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18My parents are very confrontational, they're Pisces and Capricorn,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20so they're always at each other's throats.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25I do all that zodiac thing. Like, I don't get on with my sister's new boyfriend, because I'm a Leo
0:15:25 > 0:15:27and he's a bell end.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29LAUGHTER
0:15:29 > 0:15:32OK, for that round, the points go to Andi and Jack.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36APPLAUSE
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45On the board are six categories. Karl, which category would you like?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49- Sports, please. - OK, your category is sport, and the answer is seven years.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51What is the question?
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Is it how long would Chris Moyles have to not be paid for before I gave a shit?
0:15:56 > 0:16:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:02 > 0:16:06One of the largest spontaneous and heartfelt applauses we've had.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Is it how long since Eamonn Holmes last saw his feet?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12SUBDUED LAUGHTER
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Whereas the audience can turn!
0:16:15 > 0:16:21Is it how many years of good luck would you get if you broke Jeremy Clarkson's face?
0:16:21 > 0:16:28What is the average age of a construction worker at the Commonwealth Games?
0:16:35 > 0:16:41Is it after how long will the Chilean miners decide that it's not gay if it happens underground?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Is it how old is the Earth according to Sarah Palin?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Is it how long does it take Dara to put a polo neck on?
0:17:04 > 0:17:09Is it what's the longest recorded phone call between my wife and her mother?
0:17:11 > 0:17:16Is it how many of my school years were spent being called Screech from Saved By The Bell?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22How long does it take the idiot in front of you to use the self check out?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Self check out? I love that.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36I tell you what, I'm in Tesco's, I'm just going to check out the prostate.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I think it's only in Lidl you're allowed to expose those sorts of things.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Illegal item in the bagging area. Illegal item in the bagging area.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Illegal bagging in the item area.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Can we get the correct answer?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55How long ago were the Indians aware they'd have to build the Commonwealth Games?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Is absolutely right. Very good, well done.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Yes, the question I was looking for was, how much time has Delhi
0:18:05 > 0:18:10had to prepare for the crisis-hit Commonwealth Games, which reports claim are still not ready.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15The city won the right to host the games in 2003, but the build up to the event has been plagued by fears
0:18:15 > 0:18:19that facilities and accommodation might not be completed on time
0:18:19 > 0:18:22and to a safe standard. What's going wrong?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Well, the ceiling of the weightlifting area collapsed.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29That's fantastic, isn't it? "And there he is, he's holding up 200 kilograms
0:18:29 > 0:18:31"and the roof!"
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Yes, that is one of them. Anything else?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38People were making the distinction between filth and excrement.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40That's not a reassuring distinction to make.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43"Is that excrement my bed is bobbing around in?"
0:18:43 > 0:18:46"Don't worry, mate, that's just filth." "Oh, fine, fine.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49"Wake me when it's time to swim to the venue."
0:18:49 > 0:18:54There's a combination of exposed wiring and flooding.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Not a great combination, is it?
0:18:57 > 0:19:04A man has jumped further than any human in history by merely trying to turn on his bathroom light.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Phillips Idowu claimed he's not going
0:19:07 > 0:19:11because of the safety precautions.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15But I read afterwards he's from Hackney.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Collapsing buildings are going to be good for world records.
0:19:18 > 0:19:24Nothing will make you run quicker than thinking the main stand is about to come on your head.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Aren't athletes incredibly wussy about the accommodation? A lot of Australians aren't going.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34An Australian, you'd think, "I've wrestled crocs, I've been bitten by a shark.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37But "Oh, no, it's badly grouted!"
0:19:37 > 0:19:42I think the fear isn't bad grouting, it's dengue fever from stagnant water pools.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47And to be fair, this is the hockey training ground at the moment.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Even for a hockey pitch, that's a lot of stagnant water
0:19:53 > 0:19:55and metal poles.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59I think an outbreak of mosquitoes is going to make exciting viewing.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Watching all the runners running along like this.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05The hop, skip and slap's going to absolutely fascinating.
0:20:05 > 0:20:11It'll be very difficult for deaf people watching, cos all the guys out there interpreting...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I think deaf people don't need that much interpretation on a race.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I think they can generally spot...
0:20:17 > 0:20:20They have to go really fast.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25"There's a marathon today."
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I went to India, I was quite shocked actually by the stuff.
0:20:30 > 0:20:36When you go out, you have to eat with one hand and wipe your bum with the other hand,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39and I was nervous that I'd forget which one was used for which.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41But I'm sensible, Dara,
0:20:41 > 0:20:42so I used cutlery.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44But after a while it really began to hurt my bum.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:52I think, for the Commonwealth Games, this presents a unique opportunity for boxers.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55It'll be the one and only time they can start off the competition
0:20:55 > 0:20:59as a heavyweight and by the end of the competition be fighting
0:20:59 > 0:21:01as a featherweight.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06That little bucket by the side of the ring is going to see more action than they ever expected before.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- Do you know what they had to remove from one of the rooms in the athletes' village?- A snake.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20A cobra was in one of the bedrooms
0:21:20 > 0:21:25and they said, "Don't worry, we gave you a basket and a small horn.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29"Play the horn, and the cobra'll go back in his basket." A cobra?!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32That's a valid safety complaint, surely?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34But it's a double whammy, as well. You get bitten by a cobra,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37they give you an anti-venom and then they disqualify you
0:21:37 > 0:21:40for having an illegal substance in your bloodstream!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42What animals have been brought in?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Camels? - Not camels, no.- Er, penguins?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Not penguins.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Polar bears?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- No, monkeys.- Is it a narwhal?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55It's not a nar... Stop naming random animals!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Is it a muskrat?- It's not a muskrat!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I've already said the word 'monkeys' while you carried on naming things.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Is it monkeys?- Well done, yes.
0:22:04 > 0:22:10It is monkeys. Trained monkeys have been brought in, langur monkeys, they're called.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- And what are they there to do? - Moving sofas.- No.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Sell T-shirts.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21- No, they're there to stop other monkeys getting in.- Monkey bouncers!
0:22:23 > 0:22:24They've got a list of other monkeys...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"Your species isn't down, you're not coming in."
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Ah-oo oo-oo ah-ah ah-ah-ah...
0:22:32 > 0:22:35"And if you don't back away, I'll fling shit at you."
0:22:35 > 0:22:41Cos the plumbing's rubbish, they're there to test in case the baths are too hot. If they get in and go...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Ah-ah-ah-ah!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46It could mean either, to be honest.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51I was trying to think, what's the worst event to do if you have got the shits?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I thought weightlifting. That has got to be the worst, hasn't it?
0:22:56 > 0:23:01You push up, the whole idea that every action has an equal and opposite reaction...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04APPLAUSE
0:23:04 > 0:23:08After that round, the points go to Jack, Andi and Andy.
0:23:10 > 0:23:17Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone can make their way over to the Performance Area.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I'll read out this week's topics, and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:21 > 0:23:27OK, here we go, the first subject is "unlikely things to hear in a quiz show".
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Well, welcome to Junior Mastermind.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Our annual competition to find the best
0:23:34 > 0:23:38nerdy, specky, knobby no-mates in Britain 2010.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45We asked 100 people, name something you eat with a spoon?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47And the top answer was,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"Piss off, I'm busy."
0:23:53 > 0:23:58So Nick Griffin, you were the Weakest Link in that round
0:23:58 > 0:24:01and yet you chose to get rid of Rashid. Why?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:04 > 0:24:09And on tonight's Family Fortunes, we're joined by the Fritzls and the Wests.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17So Noel, your soul for a resurrected career.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Deal or no deal?
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Oh, this one has really stumped Steve from the Eggheads.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32The question was, what is it like to have sex with a woman?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Welcome to Weakest Link Bankers' Edition.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41You've banked nothing, scored nothing,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44and yet you still have a bonus.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Yeah! I said it! Let's take 'em!
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Let's take 'em all! You and me, let's go!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00You have one lifeline left, that's calling your country's
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Government to see whether they will accept our demands.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11We asked 100 people, where is the G spot? You've given your answer.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14If it's up there, love, I'll give you the money myself.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24So this question for £100. What...
0:25:24 > 0:25:27is your PIN number?
0:25:30 > 0:25:3360 quid for half a gram of coke.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Deal or no deal?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Deal.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:49I'm Dale Winton, and you've got to be in it to win it,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52and by that, of course, I mean my bottom.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00The next topic is,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04"lines you wouldn't hear in an action movie".
0:26:04 > 0:26:09CAMP VOICE: Right, I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or just five?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12To be honest, in all the kerfuffle I kind of lost count myself.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15But, seeing as how this is a 0.44 magnum, the most powerful shotgun
0:26:15 > 0:26:20in the world, it could blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself, "What am I like?"
0:26:24 > 0:26:28If I press this button, you will witness the worst thing you could possibly imagine.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Channel 5.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I know you're mad, Max,
0:26:38 > 0:26:45but getting drunk and blaming everything on the Jews isn't going to help.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53First, Mr Bond, I plan to aim the giant laser at the world, and then...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Fuck, this cat's shat on me again.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06OK, men. This is the plan.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11We tunnel under the wire, we make a dash for Blighty, and hopefully
0:27:11 > 0:27:15we'll never, ever have to compete in the Commonwealth Games again.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I want your clothes, your boots
0:27:21 > 0:27:22and your unicycle.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30There's a bomb on this bus, but we think we know who's got it.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33But if we get this wrong, we might look a bit racist.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Batman, it's Catwoman, she says she's been thrown in a wheelie bin.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49They beat him. They kicked him.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52They shot him. They left him for dead.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Now, he's dead.
0:27:56 > 0:28:02Now listen to me, Bourne, if you're not back in 10 minutes, your dinner goes in the bin.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04And, yes, that is an ultimatum.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14- HE RASPS - "Luke, I am your father."
0:28:14 > 0:28:16"Really?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18"You're black."
0:28:22 > 0:28:26I'm Iron Man, doing what I do best.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Ironing!
0:28:32 > 0:28:35AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: "Which box do I put it in?"
0:28:35 > 0:28:40Terminator 5, Recycling Day.
0:28:44 > 0:28:49I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the legions of the north.
0:28:49 > 0:28:54Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58Gladiator, ready!
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Contender, ready!
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Three, two, one!
0:29:05 > 0:29:09At that end of that round, the points go to Jack, Andi, and Andy.
0:29:15 > 0:29:21That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Jack Whitehall.
0:29:24 > 0:29:29Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Carl Donnelly.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:50 > 0:29:54E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk