0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world, news of the world... #
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me are Andy Parsons,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Zoe Lyons and Russell Howard,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Seann Walsh, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56A typical picture of Peter Mandelson -
0:00:56 > 0:00:59but what does M.B.A.L. stand for?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Is it, Mandelson Blatantly A Lizard?
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Is it, My Briefs Are Leather?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Is it everything he enjoys?
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Is it, Muck-raking, Bullshitting And Leaving?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19It's actually his nicknames for Brown and Blair.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22It's Man Boobs and Ladyboy.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Is it just a list
0:01:24 > 0:01:26of his favourite things?
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Is it, Millionaires, Billionaires, Aristocrats and Lords?
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Is it, Mandelson Burns Adorable Labradors?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:01:36 > 0:01:37What is that? What is that?
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- Look at him!- It's just a joke, he's not actually doing it!
0:01:41 > 0:01:46Is it just simply, Mr Bond, At Last?
0:01:48 > 0:01:52I know what this is - it's what he requested on Desert Island Discs.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56It was, Michael Buble And Lubrication.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:00 > 0:02:04How gutted would he be if "lubrication" were like a jazz band?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I reckon it's, Mykonos? Booked Already, Love.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Mandelson Burns A Leprechaun?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- Certainly not.- Sorry! Sorry.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Don't worry. I'll look for out for you all.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I'll look out for you all.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Nobody will be burning you on my watch!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Oh, no, I've slipped into a stereotype.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- I love the fact...- I'd like to apologise to the people of Ireland.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Anyone know the correct answer?
0:02:35 > 0:02:40- Mandelson's Book Angers Labour. - Congratulations, very good, well done.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:44 > 0:02:49Yes, Mandelson's Book Angers Labour. The story that Lord Mandelson's newly-published memoirs
0:02:49 > 0:02:54have rocked the Labour Party by revealing how little faith the Cabinet had in Gordon Brown
0:02:54 > 0:02:56and by revisiting the war between Blair and Brown.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00But the thing is, have you read any of it? We were promised juicy gossip.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05What was the first revelation? Brown and Blair don't get on. Really(?)
0:03:05 > 0:03:10We want juicy details. What I want to know is, how mad was Brown towards the end of the election?
0:03:10 > 0:03:14I bet you there was one day where they found him in his room,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17surrounded by dead weasels, and he was just dressed as Lady Gaga.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20But various members of the Labour Party
0:03:20 > 0:03:24said they were going to try and stop him publishing his memoirs.
0:03:24 > 0:03:30But, of course, the only way to stop Mandelson is a little bit of garlic and a stake through the heart.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35That man is so oily that if he went for a swim in the Atlantic,
0:03:35 > 0:03:36BP would be off the hook.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40APPLAUSE
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Hang on a minute,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Mandelson appears to be dressed as the Compare The Meerkat, for some reason.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Yes, this is the notion he advertised them - they were serialised in the Times,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54and the advertising for it...
0:03:54 > 0:03:58It was pitched as a fairy-tale. There were these two mighty kings...
0:03:58 > 0:04:04Who are we in this situation? Are we the villagers in this story?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I am Shrek, I know. I'm not an idiot,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I know where I fit in the fairy-tale scheme.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13It's weird to think he's the son of Nelson Mandela.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21# Grandad, we love you! #
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I find it really difficult to take seriously, because that bit,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28I don't know if you've seen the advert, but he says, "Are you sitting comfortably?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:30The trouble is, I was thinking, my mate Tom at school,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32he was about seven, and the teacher went, "Are you sitting comfortably?"
0:04:32 > 0:04:35He went, "Not really, miss, I've got worms."
0:04:35 > 0:04:39What did we find out about the coalition negotiations?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43I mean, there were some revelations.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47We found out apparently that Clegg told Brown
0:04:47 > 0:04:50he had to go. But it hasn't done Clegg any favours, has it?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53He's now more unpopular than he's ever been.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56He couldn't have been more unpopular if he'd formed a coalition
0:04:56 > 0:05:01with North Korea, Fabio Capello and Piers Morgan.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Yes, Clegg was the executioner. Clegg went into a meeting and told
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Brown...you have to go. And Brown said, "I will only stay free year."
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Then he said, "I'll go in October."
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Then he said, "I'll just hang around for the transition until we get
0:05:13 > 0:05:14"a new leader." Short of the point where he went, go!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16He's going, "You'll not notice me.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18"I'll just be in the corner.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21"I'll just hover...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"I'm not even here."
0:05:24 > 0:05:28What we wanted to know is, what pranks did Brown leave behind?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Because you would totally mess around.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33If Cameron was coming in, right, clingfilm over every toilet seat, change all the phone numbers
0:05:33 > 0:05:39to sex lines, put some prawns in the curtains, everyone stand back, I'm going to curl one out on the desk.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You wouldn't? That's the first thing I'd do!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46All the others are pranks.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48All the others are like...
0:05:48 > 0:05:51But pooing on the desk is not a prank.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55You are massively reducing your chances of ever selling a house.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Which senior Conservatives came under attack this week?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Is it Michael Gove? - < Delightful.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07He's a very weird-looking man.
0:06:07 > 0:06:14He looks to me like a cross between Skeletor, ET and Stewie from The Family Guy.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19He looks like a balloon whose cork's come out, and you're expecting him to go round the room, going...
0:06:19 > 0:06:25He's basically produced a list of schools that are actually going
0:06:25 > 0:06:28to lose their buildings or aren't going to have new buildings built.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32And it turned out it had 25 mistakes on it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:40Now, as the Education Secretary, I think he should write that list out 100 times until he gets it right.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43APPLAUSE
0:06:45 > 0:06:47How has David Cameron irritated teachers this week?
0:06:47 > 0:06:53Cos he said that he's terrified of state schools, he's terrified of sending his kids to state...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Which is fair enough, because if Michael Gove carries on the way
0:06:56 > 0:07:00he is, quite a lot of them are going to be structurally quite dangerous.
0:07:00 > 0:07:06What he needs to do is to get Nick Clegg's son at the same school as HIS son.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09And then David Cameron's son would have a little servant.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15They did reveal, didn't they, that apparently
0:07:15 > 0:07:21only 18 teachers in the last 40 years have actually been sacked?
0:07:21 > 0:07:27You're thinking, that's an amazing thing, they'll have to change that saying - those who can do,
0:07:27 > 0:07:34those who can't teach, and those who can't teach, they teach as well.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39This week, a woman from Ofsted let slip that she thinks it's an excellent thing, bad teachers.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- This is incredible.- That's right, she said, didn't she, that every school needs one shit teacher.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49You're thinking, if that's the case, we have got a lot of schools that are centres for excellence.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56It was an Ofsted woman called Zenna Atkins, who's quoted in the Sunday Times as saying...
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Adding...
0:08:09 > 0:08:14It's the first time that people can get a job whilst telling the truth on their CV.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Interesting hobbies? Drinking.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Why do you want this job? So I can pay my bills and get Sky+.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Why do you think you're good for this job?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24I'm not, I'm shit - both on my own and as part of a team.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27How can you be a bad primary school teacher?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30All you've got to do is a bit of a collage and read them a book.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35But I also remember there was a lot of going to sleep on the desk, where they get the entire class...
0:08:35 > 0:08:36I don't know if this happened... They get the entire class to put
0:08:36 > 0:08:41their head on their hands for a long period of time.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46And they're going, hang on, was that a hangover thing, or was it like
0:08:46 > 0:08:49them going, "I'm sick of these asshole kids"?
0:08:49 > 0:08:53But, apparently, it teaches you to deal with incompetence, that's what she's saying.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Because if you know what incompetence is when you're at primary school,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59you're seven years old...?! When I was seven, I wanted to be a cat.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04You can't deal with incompetence - you believe anything an adult says.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07My mate, his mum had a lock on a cupboard underneath the stairs.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10She told him there was a bear under the stairs.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Whenever he was naughty, she'd get a key out, go towards it. He'd be like...
0:09:13 > 0:09:20And years later, he finally opened it, he was about 14, he was genuinely going, "What if there IS a bear?"
0:09:20 > 0:09:25That feeling, it might be a bear. Went in, there wasn't a bear. So do you know what he did?
0:09:25 > 0:09:31Genuinely true, he got some rope and a bear costume, and he made it look like the bear had hung himself
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- and then locked the cupboard. - Do you know what that is?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36That is a prank, my friend.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38APPLAUSE
0:09:41 > 0:09:43The points are going to Russell, Zoe and Andy.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45APPLAUSE
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51We play a recent piece of footage featuring people
0:09:51 > 0:09:54in the news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57This week's clip features Boris Johnson and David Cameron.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02In this time of cuts, I tell you who really should be cut is that bloody David Cameron.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Completely useless, not nearly posh enough. Oh, bollocks. The, er...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- I do hope you didn't hear what I was...- Yes, I did, actually, Boris.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Try not to walk into that wall,
0:10:13 > 0:10:18look more of an idiot than you are. Remember our deal, try not to say anything for the next four years.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- Off you go.- Well, I would, but somebody's stolen my bloody bike.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Where's my bike?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Somebody really ought to sort out bike crime in this city.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Who do I talk to?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Off you go, Boris. Off you go. Lovely to meet you.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Lovely to meet you too.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Incidentally, I've cut your pension by 90%.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Yes, you'll barely have enough to live on, but remember, we share your pain.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I wonder if Samantha's cooked quail for lunch...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Hang on a second. No, that was really...
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I got that right up my crack.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53So, I'm just going to go over here. I tell you what, I'm tremendous on this thing. I'm like...
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Do you see that bloke in the orange? I'm going to burn him up that much, yes!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00No, I don't need a helmet, because a bump on the head will probably do me good.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Bloody hell, there's a lot of traffic - someone should sort that out.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Who wants an Oyster card? Tally-ho!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08APPLAUSE
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Now, we play a round called Who Will Win?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Let Paul The Mock-topus Decide.
0:11:17 > 0:11:24This game involves Milton, Zoe and Seann, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please...
0:11:24 > 0:11:28This round is a standard challenge. I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, one of
0:11:28 > 0:11:31our performers will step forward and talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Here we go. The first subject, please...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Transport. Who wants to talk about that?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Seann...
0:11:41 > 0:11:48Erm, I have to get the trains a lot in what I do. Not those trains, they're a bit newer.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53But I do, I have to get the trains a lot, and it can be difficult on Sundays.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55With this country's Sunday service.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00For those of you that haven't used the trains on Sundays, I'll explain to you how it works. Basically...
0:12:00 > 0:12:02you pay for a train...
0:12:04 > 0:12:05..you get a bus.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13So, sorry, if you can't give me a train, don't give me something shitter,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15get my a helicopter!
0:12:15 > 0:12:19You don't get this with any other form of transport.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Imagine - "Hi, could I have a taxi, please?"
0:12:21 > 0:12:26"Er, I'm afraid not, but Pete could be round in a bit to give you a piggyback."
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Remember those old black-and-white films where the bad guy would tie a woman to a train track,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35wait for a train to run her over? You wouldn't get that now, would you?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38It would be a crap film, it would just be some bloke trying a woman
0:12:38 > 0:12:43to a train track, standing there like a mug whilst a bus drives past.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58The subject is holidays - who wants to come in on that? Zoe...
0:12:59 > 0:13:04I always think when it comes to holidays, why go to the effort and expense of going abroad
0:13:04 > 0:13:09when you can have just as disappointing an experience in this country?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Of course, for the more adventurous, you've got the outdoor holidays,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14outdoor activities always seem like a good idea. They rarely are.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19I think kayaking is an ancient Indian word that means, "This will be fun for about two minutes."
0:13:19 > 0:13:26I actually went camping last year for the first time in my life, went camping - for five days, in England.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28It rained for five days.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I didn't get a tan, I got mould, so...
0:13:33 > 0:13:38You know when you come back from holiday and people go, "Nice colour." "Do you like it? That's moss.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"I have grown moss!"
0:13:40 > 0:13:43So next time I feel like going camping, I will just stay
0:13:43 > 0:13:47at home for five days and not have a shit or a shower.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53OK, that leaves us with Milton. Let's see what we've been left with. Spin the wheel...
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Relationships, Milton.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Sometimes I think I should settle down and have a mature relationship.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09But then I think to myself, it's the middle of the conker season.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Never give up your seat for a lady.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28I owe my mum - she told me there was a bear living under the stairs.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35APPLAUSE
0:14:35 > 0:14:39My parents came up last weekend - cos I keep them in the cellar...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43That's not true!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I don't know WHO they are.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49APPLAUSE
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I got home from work the other day, and my wife was wearing
0:14:54 > 0:15:00this slinky number, which only really worked when she went downstairs.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Recently, we bought the box set of Doctor Who and watched it back to back.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the screen.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Thank you very much! Come and sit down!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25APPLAUSE
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Our next round is called, If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32On the board are six categories - Zoe, which category would you like?
0:15:32 > 0:15:38- Ooh, er, sport.- OK, the answer is 15, what is the question?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41How many times a night does goalkeeper Robert Green wake up screaming?
0:15:41 > 0:15:47Is it, how many inanimate objects has Gazza spoken to today?
0:15:47 > 0:15:53Is it, if five pieces of fruit a day keep you healthy, how many will give you diarrhoea?
0:15:55 > 0:16:02Is it, what age do you have to be to think that the films Twilight are anything other than shit?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:07 > 0:16:12- < Is it... - I actually think they speak to me.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Is it, how many gallons of oil are now left under the Gulf of Mexico?
0:16:18 > 0:16:23Is it, how many magic biscuits are there in the magic biscuit tree?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32I'd love that to be the right answer, I really would.
0:16:32 > 0:16:38But in fact there are 19 magic biscuits in the magic biscuit tree.
0:16:38 > 0:16:45Is it, how many minutes a different girl receives a text with a picture of Ashley Cole's knob?
0:16:45 > 0:16:50What factor sunscreen would Dale Winton take with him
0:16:50 > 0:16:54if he was going on a holiday for a week to the centre of the sun?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01What an amazing Wish You Were Here that would be.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05How many crisps are there in a packet of Kettle Chips?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I saw an amazing argument the other day in Tesco.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14This woman said to her husband, "You've got the wrong crisps.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17"I wanted Kettle crisps - what will our neighbours think of us?"
0:17:17 > 0:17:20How weird is that? Like someone's going to go round their house and go,
0:17:20 > 0:17:26"Marie's dead to me. Monster Munch. That bitch had Monster Munch." Crisps? No-one's fussed, are they?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29That would be a top quality mistake if you were sent to buy
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Kettle crisps for a dinner party and you brought back Monster Munch.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37"They're just the same!" "They're shaped like a monster!
0:17:37 > 0:17:41"With little feet and everything - it's a cartoon monster!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"What kind of dinner party are you going to put us through here?"
0:17:44 > 0:17:47You're not going to like these Alphabites, either.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51It was weird with the Monster Munch, between its toes, that was where all the flavour was.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53That was kind of creepy.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56How did you discover that?
0:17:56 > 0:18:01You licked the flavour off the crisps. Who didn't do that?!
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I'm sorry, is that not the way you do things here?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I didn't know I was among royalty now.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Quiet time now, Dara, quiet time.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15APPLAUSE
0:18:16 > 0:18:22I think I actually know the answer to this - how many cards were given during the World Cup Final match?
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Yes, well done, Zoe.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26APPLAUSE
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Thank you.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Yes, the question was - how many cards did Howard Webb show during the World Cup Final in South Africa?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36English referee Howard Webb showed a record 15 cards
0:18:36 > 0:18:39in the final, which was one of the dirtiest and most bad-tempered ever.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43He brandished 14 yellows and one red as the Dutch and Spanish set into each other.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46You know when the final whistle blew, in the World Cup, if you listened,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48you could hear the sound of women
0:18:48 > 0:18:55ripping down wallcharts and grabbing back remotes, going, "Yes!"
0:18:55 > 0:18:58As men go, our time is over.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Which lucky punter managed to have a 100% success rate?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- That would be Paul the Octopus. - It would of course.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07It says something about the quality of the football at the World Cup
0:19:07 > 0:19:10that the star of the World Cup is an octopus.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15Given that it is essentially one animal eating another animal, it is an act of...
0:19:15 > 0:19:17They put... was it mussels or oysters in?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Mussels.- And he had to go in and eat the mussel.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25It is essentially no different to had they gone, "We've got two goats
0:19:25 > 0:19:30"and we've put the flag of Spain on one and a flag of Germany on the other - now release the lion!"
0:19:30 > 0:19:35Whichever one Simba carries off squealing. It wouldn't be quite as appealing to watch.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"Oh, no! No!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39"Oh, Spain, OK, grand."
0:19:39 > 0:19:43The thing about it was that he predicted that Germany would lose
0:19:43 > 0:19:46in the semi-final and he got death threats from Germany.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50And the Spanish Prime Minister offered him safe haven.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52He said, "Come to Spain."
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Just one word of warning to Paul the Octopus - paella.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Paul the Octopus actually comes from Weymouth.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04He's one of ours!
0:20:04 > 0:20:09The thing was, when he was here, he could predict absolutely nothing,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13because he wasn't given the right training at a young age!
0:20:13 > 0:20:18So, basically, he's a celebrity octopus now.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19He's the coolest octopus on the planet.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24He can go back into the ocean now, and all the female octopuses will love him.
0:20:24 > 0:20:30Like this pimp. He can go back in and be like, "Yo, girls, I want you,
0:20:30 > 0:20:37"I want you, I want you. I want all the octopussy!"
0:20:37 > 0:20:43He's a celebrity, so that means, in 10 years' time, on ITV4 or something,
0:20:43 > 0:20:48they'll have After They Were Famous, and it'll just be a plate of sushi.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Just him with a fag, predicting scores.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Like Division 4 results.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00You'll see him outside China White just vomiting on the pavement.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Three cigarettes on the go,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- picking balls out for a lottery. - Just hanging out with Dean Gaffney.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- OK, what have the US been swapping with Russia this week?- Oh, spies.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Yeah.- It's all kicking off. - Yes, proper spies, good spies.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19They weren't good spies, there were rubbish spies.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23They were as good at spying as Brian Blessed is at whispering.
0:21:23 > 0:21:30They... Some of the spies in Russia, they had kids, and their kids had no idea they were spies.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33They're living in middle America. Imagine that, from middle America to Russia.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Middle America - Hannah Montana, Disney.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Russia - Vladimir, the boy that fights the bear. And that's it.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I didn't think we still needed spies, to be honest.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47- That is the major issue.- With Google and Wikipedia, I thought we could just find everything out these days.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52I was quite surprised we actually have to go to the effort of invisible ink.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55That's how far it's moved on as well, they were working in invisible ink.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58What next, two cans on a piece of string? "Can you hear me?"
0:21:58 > 0:22:02From the two cans and a piece of string in a cafe where everyone else
0:22:02 > 0:22:06is using Wi-Fi, going, "Why are they using string?
0:22:06 > 0:22:07"This is ridiculous!"
0:22:07 > 0:22:13You know when they're using invisible ink, how do they know when their pen's run out?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Didn't they have to... there was a code word and you
0:22:16 > 0:22:22basically had to go up to somebody and go, "Excuse me, didn't I meet you last April in Bangkok?"
0:22:22 > 0:22:26And that could be embarrassing if you got the wrong person, couldn't it?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29They're going, "Did it involve a Coke bottle and some ping-pong balls?"
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Not you as well! They were difficult times.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38I think you'll find that modern spying no longer works like that.
0:22:38 > 0:22:44You're basing this opinion on the one time they asked you to be a spy, aren't you?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- I went for a spy interview, yes. - And what did they ask you at this spy interview?
0:22:47 > 0:22:51They basically went, "Would you like to be a spy?"
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Did a man walk up to you, was there a letter...?
0:22:55 > 0:23:02I got approached by someone at university, who said, "Would you be interested in intelligence?"
0:23:02 > 0:23:07I said, "Yes, I'd like to have some."
0:23:07 > 0:23:11And I went down for an interview in London.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15And during this, I decided I didn't really want to be a spy and I turned it down.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- That was your final year at uni? - Yeah.
0:23:18 > 0:23:24My final year at uni, the highlight of it, I lost my football in a hedge, I went into the hedge,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27and there was a Bristolian man in there going, "Get your own hedge."
0:23:29 > 0:23:35My dream, my crazy dream, was that we find out that after tonight's show, the recording, Hugh goes home,
0:23:35 > 0:23:40into the house, hangs up his coat, turns on the light, and then there's a man
0:23:40 > 0:23:45just sitting in a chair, going, "It's not a laughing matter, Mr Dennis.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49"You may think it's amusing to talk about it now..."
0:23:51 > 0:23:54At the end of that round, the points go to Sean, Hugh and Milton!
0:23:54 > 0:23:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:58 > 0:24:02OK, now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See. So if everyone can make their way
0:24:02 > 0:24:04to the performance area, please,
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I'll read out this week's topics, then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Here we go, the first subject is...
0:24:14 > 0:24:19(HIGH VOICE:) The last time I was in this nightclub, I was still a man.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26I've bought some condoms, and in preparation, I've got one on already.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Yes, I know it's only dinner, but unless you sign this pre-nup, you're not getting any!
0:24:36 > 0:24:41My last girlfriend asked if I could play Smoke On The Water,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44so I threw a toaster in her bath.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Oh, I see, so when you put "bubbly" on the advert, you meant fat?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00You've got good hips. Let me see your teeth. We'll take her.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12Actually, during the day, I'm something really high up in the City.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15HE MIMICS PIGEON
0:25:19 > 0:25:22So, anyway, so, look, listen, that's enough about me.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Tell me about your sister.
0:25:27 > 0:25:33OK, I did crop my Facebook photo so as you couldn't see my conjoined twin.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Whoa! How pissed was I when I asked YOU out?!
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Not as pissed as I was when I said yes!
0:25:55 > 0:26:00I want a baby now!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04There's nothing you can do about it.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I know I'm going to shag you.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Er, my dating history? Yeah, erm...
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Divorced, beheaded, died...
0:26:18 > 0:26:20..divorce, beheaded, survived.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24OK, the next topic is...
0:26:28 > 0:26:33From the makers of Snakes On A Plane comes Snails In A Caravan.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39I want you to upload this schematic to my PDA.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43I...I need you to send the picture to my mobile.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Ambassador Threll,
0:26:50 > 0:26:56are you telling me that intergalactic war occurred because one of your people said, "I'm going to the shops,
0:26:56 > 0:27:01"do you want something?" And another one replied, "Yes, get me a Galaxy"?
0:27:08 > 0:27:15Men, we are heavily surrounded, but don't worry - Gazza has arrived with some chicken and a fishing rod.
0:27:17 > 0:27:23It's one storey of terror, it's Bungalow Inferno.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32Listen to me, I want you to take the kids, I want you to go to your mother's, you'll be safe there.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I'm going to stay here... and shag the nanny.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43The boat is sinking. There's not enough lifeboats,
0:27:43 > 0:27:48and the worst thing of all, Celine Dion is singing the theme tune!
0:27:51 > 0:27:57# There is a house in New Orleans... #
0:28:05 > 0:28:10The Martians landed at around 4am in Bracknell, went, "Er," and left again.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15The ship is sinking!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17I don't care, I'm a duck.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Yeah, er, just press that, it'll be all right.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34This is a virus like we have never encountered.
0:28:34 > 0:28:3750% of the population will be debilitated completely,
0:28:37 > 0:28:41the other half will be able to carry on as normal.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Gentlemen, this is man flu.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Do you not realise, if this contagion spreads,
0:28:51 > 0:28:56the entire X-Factor judging panel could be wiped out?!
0:28:56 > 0:28:59CHEERING
0:28:59 > 0:29:03OK, at the end of that, the points go to Russell, Zoe and Andy!
0:29:03 > 0:29:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:09 > 0:29:14And that's the end of the show. This week's winners... I don't know who this week's winners are.
0:29:14 > 0:29:19Who do you think this week's winners are? Oh-oh-oh!
0:29:19 > 0:29:22This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Russell Howard!
0:29:22 > 0:29:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:24 > 0:29:29Commiserations to Seann Walsh, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones!
0:29:29 > 0:29:33- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:44 > 0:29:47E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk