0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07# Throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Read all about it... #
0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me are Andy Parsons,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Ed Byrne and Russell Howard, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Here is a picture of the Prime Minister, David Cameron,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00- but what does CABS stand for? - Is it Country's Arms Budget Shrunk?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03You stand in front of the Taliban and go, bang, bang.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09It's his ultimate fantasy, Caviar And Beyonce Shaven.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:17Is he playing a game CAB, it's a game you used to play as a child, Cowboys And Butlers!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Is it Clegg! Another Bacon Sandwich?!
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Is it, Child? Adultery? Boris? Shit!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Is it Cameron Attempts Black Solidarity?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Is it Taxi, no, no Cabs? I'm so stupid!
0:01:56 > 0:02:02He's pointing at a lady in the street, Cracking Arse, Boobs Satisfactory.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Is it Charmless Aristocrat Buggers Society?!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Is it...
0:02:09 > 0:02:15That is true, people. I speak the truth, people.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20That was such a lovely response. That sounds like something we should clap.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25Is it Conceited Arrogant Boring, Shitehawk?
0:02:25 > 0:02:30Shitehawk? It's an excellent word. It's a great word.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32It's a very Irish word. You may have it as a gift.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Does it exist?- It does. - Is there a shitehawk that exists?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39No, there isn't an actual bird called a shitehawk.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41It'd be an amazing episode of Springwatch if you shot one.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- The correct answer, if we could. - It's Cameron Announces Big Society.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Well done, Hugh, thank you very much.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Yes, the answer I was looking for was Cameron Announces Big Society.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has formally
0:02:58 > 0:03:03launched his Big Society manifesto pledge, which he claims will put the oomph back into communities.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Speaking in Liverpool, Cameron confirmed it would empower
0:03:05 > 0:03:11communities, allowing them to run libraries and post offices
0:03:11 > 0:03:13and manage transport services and shape housing projects.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- How is he planning on liberating society?- You can't say oomph.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18That's not a word. You want to put the oomph back in communities.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Yes, I'd like to make hospitals a bit hot-ta-ta-ta!
0:03:21 > 0:03:26I'm afraid the whole schools building programme was wha-wa-wa-waa!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29A government entirely done by sound effects would be great.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34I will be coming to a place near you, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39The weird thing about it is the Conservatives are all about choice and yet
0:03:39 > 0:03:42they're only offering one size of society.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:52People don't want to work for free, do they?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54He needs to dangle some form of a carrot.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57If you volunteer, everyone of you can kick Jeremy Kyle in the nads.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Sweet, I'll do that.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01If you volunteer, I'll make a TV show that is
0:04:01 > 0:04:06just Kelly Brook jumping up and down on a trampoline. Sweet. We'll do that. If you work really
0:04:06 > 0:04:09hard I'll kill the Go Compare man. That's what we need.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Empowering is a phrase, you know,
0:04:17 > 0:04:2219-year-old models use when they appear in Zoo.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I feel very empowered by my ability to get my norks out!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- They never say it like that.- They don't quite use norks and empower in
0:04:28 > 0:04:32the same sentence, but it's the same rhetorical flourish that they use.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36It is just basically, we can't afford it, we don't want to get
0:04:36 > 0:04:39involved, let's give it to some busy bodies in your area.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Don't give it to us, don't make us run it.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Have you met us? We're idiots.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48We accidently voted in a Tory government.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- That is genuinely idiotic. - You can't trust us.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55The British public are odd.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00I sometimes pick up a coke can in Tesco for no reason, shake it and put it back.
0:05:00 > 0:05:06- Don't give me any responsibility. - I'm not really what would happen if I let you run a school.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Would you just walk in and pick up one of the children and go...
0:05:10 > 0:05:16If he's so keen on volunteering, how come he gets paid £180,000 a year?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Why doesn't he give his services for free?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I'd quite happily do that job for no money,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23because I've heard the expenses are quite tidy!
0:05:23 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:28 > 0:05:31We're all in this together. That's what's so difficult.
0:05:31 > 0:05:36You've got this multi-millionaire going, "We're all in this together."
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Him comparing his plight to that of the public is like me stubbing my toe and saying, "I feel just
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"like Heather Mills."
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Do you find stubbing your toe makes you want to rip off a Beatle?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:48 > 0:05:54Cameron, basically, was going on about this village pub that they had enabled it to keep it open and you're
0:05:54 > 0:05:59thinking keeping open a village pub, that's not the Big Society, that's a lock-in.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:07He's rolling back the state. I wasn't aware that the state ran rural pubs.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10If there was a state-run pub you would not go in it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12"Barman, number five, please."
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Do you know how he's funding this?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17The fascinating thing about how he's funding it.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21He's started this thing which is the most childish thing
0:06:21 > 0:06:25that you could ever imagine called the Big Society bank, which sounds like it should be in Ballamorey.
0:06:25 > 0:06:31The Government owns all the money and bank accounts if they've been dormant for 15 years.
0:06:31 > 0:06:38Do they own everything that's been dormant for 15 years, like Kerry Katona's brain
0:06:38 > 0:06:45and Emile Heskey's right foot? And almost the whole of Ann Widdecombe?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Do they?
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Essentially, he wants to pay for it using the money of the dead.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Like a financial zombie army,
0:06:58 > 0:07:05who will sweep across opening post offices, uuurrrggghhh. Stamp!
0:07:05 > 0:07:10What if someone's been in a coma? Imagine that, you haven't used
0:07:10 > 0:07:14your bank account for 15 years and you wake up, "Where's my money?"
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Well, we spent it on a knitting museum in Cumbria.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20He's like, "At least I can watch Friday Night With Jonathon Ross!"
0:07:20 > 0:07:23LAUGHTER
0:07:23 > 0:07:25APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:29In other news, what's going on here?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33This is Cameron and Obama having a chat and Obama is just saying
0:07:33 > 0:07:37to him, "You call me soulman one more time, white boy..."
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Is it Obama's going, "Thank goodness you've arrived, I've had around
0:07:41 > 0:07:47"30 calls from a Mr Clegg going, 'I can't find the keys to Number Ten.'"
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Isn't he not just going, "So, David, I understand your ancestors
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"made their fortune in cotton and sugar!"
0:07:53 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:01 > 0:08:06I wonder if Cameron was explaining to Obama how his upbringing has prepared him for dealing with the oil spill.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08"We make a mess and then the black chap cleans it up."
0:08:08 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:14APPLAUSE
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Is it Cameron and Barack smooch?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Are we still playing that game?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26No, we've moved on.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31It is David Cameron meeting President Obama on his official two-day visit to the US.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Cameron says he's going to stand up to the US and you're like, "No,
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"you're not, there's more chance of Danny Dyer being the new host of QI."
0:08:37 > 0:08:43It is worth noting, by the way, under the new Big Society initiative we have to run all the post offices,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46but he's still the one who gets to go to America and meet Obama.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I don't see his committee members from Liverpool, who are running
0:08:49 > 0:08:51the local libraries, going, "Oh, great, do we get to go to America?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- "Oh, great, Big Society."- Maybe that would be a good idea because
0:08:54 > 0:08:58the problem with standing up to America is we keep sending posh people.
0:08:58 > 0:09:04May we should send people from Scouse estates, "We're not really happy about the Al-Megrahi thing."
0:09:04 > 0:09:10"Oh, are you not? Come here, big lad, let's go.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13"Let's go. Let's go. Come on."
0:09:13 > 0:09:16It's just a scheduled visit, isn't it?
0:09:16 > 0:09:20There's nothing particularly special about this visit, but the problem for Cameron is that BP
0:09:20 > 0:09:25are apparently involved in the release of Al-Megrahi by the Scottish government.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Let's use the word allegedly there.
0:09:27 > 0:09:33BP, I would imagine, have one or two lawyers possibly being...
0:09:33 > 0:09:38They are a large corporation and they are slick lawyers.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:43 > 0:09:47I imagine the latest BP spillage is their lawyer going...
0:09:49 > 0:09:54It's really funny, because Cameron says that the release of Al-Megrahi was nothing to do with oil
0:09:54 > 0:09:57and you're like, "Yeah, and Mel Gibson's just a social drinker."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:05He went on national public radio to speak about this and he said that Al-Megrahi should have died in jail.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08He's not actually dead yet, but he should have died in jail
0:10:09 > 0:10:14and that he blamed Scotland, so actually, he said BP weren't to blame, Scotland were to blame.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Actually, sorry, BP's worth more to Britain than Scotland!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER
0:10:20 > 0:10:27The two things that are overshadowing the links between Al-Megrahi's release and BP and the oil spill.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29BP could have killed two birds with one stone
0:10:29 > 0:10:32if they were able to plug the oil spill with Al-Megrahi.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37Basically, what's happened is they're worried the seepage, they've done that
0:10:37 > 0:10:42and now they've got to do that and now some more is coming out over there and they've got to do that
0:10:42 > 0:10:45and it's turning into a massive game of Twister.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49You wonder if they've said, "We've finally done it!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- in their office and then you hear... - TAPPING SOUND
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Cut to a shot of them going...
0:10:58 > 0:11:00The only way they'll manage to clear up the whole coastline
0:11:00 > 0:11:06is if there is a catastrophic event at a nearby Cillit Bang rig,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10which could happen, because Barry Scott does shout, doesn't he?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Hi! My God!
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- Explosions!- Fourth time in eight months.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17I've not no sympathy for BP, though.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I mean Tony Hayward, he said when it came to the oil spill it was
0:11:20 > 0:11:25tiny in proportion to the total water volume of the Gulf of Mexico.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30I tried a similar excuse when I had a piss in the swimming pool
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and it did me no good whatsoever.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart!
0:11:44 > 0:11:49Now we play a round called Eamonn Holmes Is Hungry For Jokes.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55This game involves Stewart, Ed and Andy, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03Wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we go.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07The first subject is...
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Pets. Who wants to come in on that?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Does it look like I'm being attacked by two animals?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I have a theory with pets.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I feel that we treat animals better than we treat humans.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Proof of this, we found a cat by our bins
0:12:29 > 0:12:31and it looked hungry and now it lives with us.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35That is proof we treat animals well. You wouldn't do that with a person.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39You look a bit hungry. What are you doing by the bins? Do you want to live in the house?
0:12:39 > 0:12:44You could come and live with us. Don't get a job. We'll buy you food and prepare it for you, and
0:12:44 > 0:12:47in exchange for that if you can take a dump on the floor. That seems fair.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Now and again, when I'm in the house on my own if you could jump
0:12:50 > 0:12:55on the back of my chair and frighten the shit out of me. Could you do that in exchange for free bed and board?
0:12:55 > 0:12:59It was sold to me that the cat was going to live with us to keep away the mice.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02It doesn't keep away the mice. It doesn't, it brings mice in!
0:13:02 > 0:13:08Mice that live in a field, near the house and had no intention of coming anywhere near the house.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12The cat brings it in and plays with it and gets distracted, "Oh, a sunbeam!" And let's them go!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15We've got more mice in the house than we did before we got a cat!
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Can I put down poison for the mice? No! In case the cat eats it!
0:13:19 > 0:13:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Thank you very much.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34The subject is sport. Who wants a go at that? Andy Parsons.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Does it look like I'm being attacked by two giant testicles?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Sepp Blatter has said he doesn't want technology in football.
0:13:49 > 0:13:55His reasoning being he said he wanted the football at the highest level to be exactly the same as football
0:13:55 > 0:14:00at the lowest level. What a ridiculous argument that is.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Surely then why bother in the World Cup to have goalposts at all?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Why don't we just have jumpers?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Instead of playing for 90 minutes,
0:14:08 > 0:14:14why don't we just play as long as possible before the kid who owns the ball wants to go home for his tea?
0:14:17 > 0:14:21You wonder how well does Capello actually get on with the England players?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Capello is into opera and art.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28How many of the England players do you think are into their art?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32The closest that Ashley Cole has come to a self-portrait
0:14:32 > 0:14:35is taking a photo of his knob!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Andy Parsons!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47OK, that leaves us with Stewart. Let's see what topic we have.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Spin the wheel.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51The topic is leisure.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01What's the deal with trainspotters?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I counted 27 of the losers today.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11My record's 41.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles which sounds so much better than alcoholic.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29I want to write a mystery novel, or do I?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I've written a book about a transsexual
0:15:34 > 0:15:37with a speech impediment, it's entitled Man or Myth.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44I like to go to book stalls and say to the clerk, "Hello. I'm looking
0:15:44 > 0:15:48for a book entitled How To Deal With Rejection Without Killing!"
0:15:56 > 0:15:59In my spare time I like to fart on crowded lifts...
0:16:02 > 0:16:04..which is wrong on so many levels!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08APPLAUSE
0:16:08 > 0:16:10The points go to Stewart Francis. Everyone, come back!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22There are six categories. Chris, which category would you like?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Please can we have health? - Your category is health.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29The answer is 35 million a year. What is the question?
0:16:29 > 0:16:34Is it how much money does the Queen get from the Royal Mail for being the face of stamps?
0:16:35 > 0:16:41How many times a year does Katie Holmes think to herself, "If I just make a run for it?"
0:16:41 > 0:16:48If you were the man who ate all the pies... how many pies would you be eating?
0:16:50 > 0:16:56Is it how often does the Scottish Justice Minister phone Al-Megrahi's mobile hoping he doesn't pick up?
0:16:59 > 0:17:04Is it how many times Dara Googles himself and when I say Google, I mean masturbate?
0:17:07 > 0:17:12How much would the UK Government make if they pimped out Robert Pattinson?
0:17:12 > 0:17:13WOMAN SCREAMS
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Just from that lady!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20When you say, "Pimped him out", do you mean put big rims on him?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25We could do that or we could just put him in a bus and let girls
0:17:25 > 0:17:29such as the lady that cheered then pay up to £100 to do what you want with him.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34If you let me pay £100 to do what I want with him, that would be the end of him.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39What would you do with him?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I think the trick is to let me go last.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49Is it how much would it cost you if you stayed on a BT helpline long enough to get an answer
0:17:49 > 0:17:50to your fucking question?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55What's the correct answer?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57It's about sick days, isn't it?
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- It is about sick days, yes. - How many sick days a year do the British population take?
0:18:01 > 0:18:05That's absolutely right, well done. Thank you very much, Hugh.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Yes. The question I was looking for was, "How many fake sick days
0:18:12 > 0:18:15do British workers take each year? According to a survey,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Brits pull 35 million "sickies" every year, which is more than any other European country
0:18:19 > 0:18:23and it counts over a quarter of the 122 million sick days taken across Europe.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Our football took a month off in South Africa. Everyone's doing it.
0:18:27 > 0:18:2935 million? That makes me sick!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Can I go home?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Yeah, you can go home. That's all right.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Yesterday in the office, you weren't there, Dara,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39but what I was saying to the other guys...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Well, I had a very heavy cold.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45There's one of the summer things going around at the moment.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50It's very difficult to feign a sick day because you might start off pretending but by the time
0:18:50 > 0:18:55you've watched Jeremy Kyle and four hours of antiques programmes, you're feeling genuinely ill.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59We like drinking, don't we, in this country? A lot of firms, they have
0:18:59 > 0:19:05one day a week where you can turn up to work wearing whatever clothes you like and they call them casual days.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09I think we should also have one day a week where you can turn up to work in a right old state...
0:19:11 > 0:19:14..and they should call them smell like a badger days.
0:19:18 > 0:19:24It's interesting that taking a day off, as a man, is tricky because you have to be very inventive.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29"Oh, I've got diphtheria, I've got lurgy, I can't see. I've got blurred vision".
0:19:29 > 0:19:33As a lady, very easy. All you have to say is, "Women's problems". Whoa!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37"My apologies. Take the week off!"
0:19:37 > 0:19:41You know, you can't do that as a bloke. "I've got man problems".
0:19:41 > 0:19:44"Well, stop touching it then".
0:19:45 > 0:19:49We're all self-employed, so there's no point, us throwing sickies, is there?
0:19:49 > 0:19:55There's no point phoning up yourself, leaving a message a message on your answer phone, "I can't come in",
0:19:55 > 0:19:59then retrieving your message, realising you're ill and going to bed.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01OK. Story that struck me during the week.
0:20:01 > 0:20:07You may not have seen this story. It was in a story in Ireland, the Evening Herald in Dublin last week.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09It's a moving story about Alzheimer's disease.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11The story basically was:
0:20:19 > 0:20:23All of which is quite interesting. See, the next paragraph I found difficult to take.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:32 > 0:20:37..appear to be better protected if they develop Alzheimer's disease, a study suggests".
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Now that would be all right if it wasn't for the thing that the article came with a giant photograph
0:20:42 > 0:20:49of me next to the article... under the words, "big head". I'm protected against Alzheimer's!
0:20:49 > 0:20:50APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:21:01Written underneath that was, "Extra large: Report is good news for Dara O'Briain."
0:21:01 > 0:21:07No, it's not. It's not good news because I've suddenly realised I've got a big head apparently.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10What do you mean you've suddenly realised?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Dara! Protect us from the Alzheimer's!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Forget about it!
0:21:18 > 0:21:19APPLAUSE
0:21:24 > 0:21:26In Canada I did some modelling.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It was for medical... it was for penile dysfunction
0:21:29 > 0:21:31and it was before and after picture.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36Is this true? I didn't model. I don't model for big heads.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I don't regard myself as having a large head.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44I don't have difficulty buying hats. I don't have difficulty getting into jumpers.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45My head causes me no...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47When did those three guys get here?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58To be fair, a big head doesn't normally cause the owner a problem.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It causes the owner's mother a problem.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05It's smaller than my hips, for God's sake!
0:22:05 > 0:22:10Your head is smaller than your hips. What kind of shape are you? Are you a peanut?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14What do you mean? Of course my head is smaller than my hips.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Dara, Dara, look at me!
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- Isn't your head not smaller than your hips?- No! Maybe.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Dara, Dara, look at me. - Oh, you're weird!
0:22:21 > 0:22:26Look at me. I'm going to take you to a hall of mirrors and show you how you should look.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I'm not the kid from Mask.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- You see, look at that. It's fine. - Your head is absolutely enormous.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36In fact, on a normal size head, that would be a full head of hair.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38APPLAUSE
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Are you not staying in my house tonight?
0:22:43 > 0:22:48When Dara opens an umbrella it's like one of them little cocktail ones.
0:22:48 > 0:22:54To put in context how big it is, Dara, it has its own gravitation field.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57It's pulled in an entire planet behind it.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06This desk was straight when we started.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12I was expecting sympathy. That's why I introduced this. I was going to say...
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- You were expecting sympathy? - I revealed a weakness in front of six comedians
0:23:16 > 0:23:20and I thought, "There's a group that will help me through this".
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I think of you all as friends. I don't think of you as comedians!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:36 > 0:23:41OK, at the end of that round... the points go to Russell, Ed and Andy.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See. If everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what the panellists can come up with.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59OK, here we go. The first subject is rejected questions from this year's exams.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04To keep them cool, the testes of the male homo sapiens are on the outside.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Should he put them back in his trousers?
0:24:09 > 0:24:10BUZZER
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Wayne lives three miles away from Kaylie
0:24:14 > 0:24:17and Martin lives six miles away from Wayne.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Who got her pregnant?
0:24:20 > 0:24:21BUZZER
0:24:23 > 0:24:27If it an oil well is spilling out oil at 50,000 barrels a day,
0:24:27 > 0:24:30how do you stop it? No, really.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32How do you stop it?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34BUZZER
0:24:35 > 0:24:40If you mix blue and yellow, how crap is your government?
0:24:42 > 0:24:43BUZZER
0:24:46 > 0:24:51If Mary has one apple, Thomas has an apple and an orange, and Tarquin has two apples, an orange,
0:24:51 > 0:24:56an ugly fruit and two kumquats, whose parents read the Guardian?
0:24:57 > 0:24:58BUZZER
0:25:01 > 0:25:06Which is faster, a cheetah or Mel Gibson leaving the MOBOs?
0:25:08 > 0:25:09BUZZER
0:25:10 > 0:25:17If you removed a man's lower intestine and stretched it as far as it could go, how angry would he be?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18BUZZER
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Calculate the circumference of Eamonn Holmes, using pi.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:27BUZZER
0:25:27 > 0:25:32A car is travelling at a constant speed of 70mph around the M25.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36In what imaginary universe are they in fact travelling?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38BUZZER
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Henry VIII loved the bitches, discuss.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45BUZZER
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Chemistry - what's that smell?
0:25:55 > 0:26:00Nelson lost an arm and an eye. Why didn't he call Claims Direct?
0:26:02 > 0:26:03BUZZER
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Your mum's a slag. Discuss.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10BUZZER
0:26:10 > 0:26:12The next topic is...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14things you won't hear in a gardening programme.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19If you're into naked gardening, here's a tip.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Be careful what you do with the... SHEARS!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23BUZZER
0:26:26 > 0:26:29And that, folks, is how you get rid of a body.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31BUZZER
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Not only that, but somebody's been sneaking into the allotment
0:26:35 > 0:26:38and putting top soil on the ground.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40The plot thickens.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43BUZZER
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Last year, I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden,
0:26:48 > 0:26:53so I phoned up Time Team and told them I'd just found a Roman coin.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55BUZZER
0:26:57 > 0:27:02And now over to our lawnmower expert, Stumpy Jeff. "Hi, guys!"
0:27:03 > 0:27:04BUZZER
0:27:07 > 0:27:13David here has some nice buddleia and Jemima has hydrangea and I've got chlamydia.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15BUZZER
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Well, that's it for this week, I'm off home to plant my seeds.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21My wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss my slot.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22BUZZER
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Why grow flowers like this, when you can steal them from a traffic black spot?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33BUZZER
0:27:35 > 0:27:40Last week, you were complaining about rabbits being rampant in your garden and being a pest.
0:27:40 > 0:27:47But let me tell you, I've got a rampant rabbit and when it's in my garden, it causes nothing but joy.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50WOMEN WHOOPING AND BUZZER
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Well, I've been having terrible trouble with a mole.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58He keeps on passing confidential information to other gardeners.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00BUZZER
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Here we've got a nice rockery over there and there's a lovely fountain
0:28:08 > 0:28:12we've put in and next to that is the tree of knowledge. You will not eat from the tree of knowledge!
0:28:13 > 0:28:14BUZZER
0:28:15 > 0:28:20If your lawn suffers from patchy grass, just grow it long one side and comb it over.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22BUZZER
0:28:24 > 0:28:27And if you leave it for about four or five years,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30it should be just the right height to piss behind.
0:28:31 > 0:28:32BUZZER
0:28:34 > 0:28:36In a garden... who's blocking my light?
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Dara, could you just...
0:28:40 > 0:28:41APPLAUSE AND BUZZER
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Over here is a wonderful water feature,
0:28:47 > 0:28:50like in Brussels of a small boy pissing.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54This one's from Thailand and I pay him 20 pence a week.
0:28:55 > 0:28:56BUZZER
0:28:57 > 0:28:59He ain't lying, it's good money!
0:29:00 > 0:29:01BUZZER
0:29:01 > 0:29:04The end of that round the points go to Russell, Ed and Andy.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11And that's the end of the show.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Russell Howard.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31Thank you for watching, until next week, I'm Dara O'Briain, good night.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:37 > 0:29:39E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk