0:00:01 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen Throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:15# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:29 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho
0:00:40 > 0:00:41and Russell Howard.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with our round called Headliners.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Here is a picture of former Prime Minister Tony Blair and friends.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59What does BMIS stand for?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Is it a list of what's in Blair's memoirs -
0:01:01 > 0:01:03"Bragging, Moaning and Icky sex?"
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Is it not just John Prescott
0:01:06 > 0:01:08going, "Bugger Me, I'm Starving"?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Or is it all the things you'd rather have than read the book -
0:01:14 > 0:01:17"Bulimia, Myxomatosis, and an Itchy Scrotum."
0:01:17 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Are they all laughing
0:01:23 > 0:01:26cos it's "Ballistic Missiles Improve Sunderland"?
0:01:26 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Prescott looks like he's bored. He's just running through lists in his head.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36"Bette Midler, I'd Shag..."
0:01:38 > 0:01:40"Barry Manilow, I'd shag..."
0:01:40 > 0:01:45Or is it, "Both Milibands, I'd Shag..."
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I think it's actually what Blair isn't saying.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52"Believe Me, I'm Sorry."
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:56APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Is it, "Blair, My Influences - Satan!"
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Is it their nicknames -
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Brainy, Miserly, and Insignificant Sausage-muncher?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:21When was it ever anyone's nickname - Insignificant Sausage-muncher?!
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- HUGH:- Strange you should say that! - It's longer than anyone's name!
0:02:26 > 0:02:31Is it just simply, "Blair Memoir Is Shit"?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I need the correct answer. You're almost halfway there.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Is it, "Blair's Memoirs: Incredible Sales"?
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Well done, congratulations.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Yes, the answer was "Blair's Memoirs: Incredible Sales".
0:02:51 > 0:02:54This is the story that ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair
0:02:54 > 0:02:58has finally published A Journey, his hotly anticipated account of his time in power.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Waterstones say it is the fastest-selling autobiography ever,
0:03:01 > 0:03:05outstripping successful memoirs by David Beckham, Russell Brand and Dawn French.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Who doesn't come out of this well?
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Brown. I don't understand why people are buying it. We've heard it before.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- We've heard it nine times before. - Blair doesn't get on with Brown.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18What next - David Blunkett's crap at wink murder? We know!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:25The titles are terrible, A Journey. They're pretentious.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29A Journey is pretentious. The Third Man by Mandelson is pretentious.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33You want John Prescott's Read This Or I Will Punch You In The Face.
0:03:33 > 0:03:41But also, his journey - he went from Islington to Downing Street, to Connaught Square in Bayswater.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43That is not much of a journey.
0:03:43 > 0:03:4545 minutes at best.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50Let's face it, Michael Palin is going, "Well, it's not Pole To Pole."
0:03:50 > 0:03:53He said that George Bush was an intelligent man, which is a bit like
0:03:53 > 0:03:56saying Josef Fritzl is a family guy.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Why has the book been compared to a Mills & Boon?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Cos you don't want to read it?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Because there are racey passages in it.
0:04:04 > 0:04:10Him describing having sex with Cherie. It is grim!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12They're a married couple!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15OK, we didn't need to know. This is a quote...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21IMITATES WAH-WAH GUITAR
0:04:21 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Dara, do it sexy! Do it real sexy!
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- DEEP VOICE:- I was an animal... following my instinct.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I can't do it!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Your future in audio books is not assured.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38No-one's going to book me to do sexy audio books!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"How are ye? Oh, they're riding!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:42LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"He was all over her like a rash."
0:04:45 > 0:04:49It was the bit, what he was saying about devouring Cherie, it was hideous.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52It was like imagining your parents dogging, it was wrong.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You just didn't want to read it.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58What's amazing about this is the way that journalists have reacted to it.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01This mock shock. "He didn't talk sexy like that
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"when he was Prime Minister..." No, he was Prime Minister!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07The Go Compare man doesn't sing the whole time!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10There was no time when he would say during Prime Minister's Questions,
0:05:10 > 0:05:15"I would just like to say to my right honourable friend, big Tony going to sort you out.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17"Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"
0:05:17 > 0:05:18That was never going to happen!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21He had been accused of sexing up a dossier.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Now he has sexed up a dossier.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28After he's going, "Ooh, I devoured Cherie," you weren't sure
0:05:28 > 0:05:30what he was going to put next.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"I flopped out my weapon of mass destruction..."
0:05:33 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:38"..and 45 minutes later, it launched."
0:05:38 > 0:05:43It turns out that Cherie is actually her middle name,
0:05:43 > 0:05:44and her first name
0:05:44 > 0:05:46is Chim-chim-chim-chiminee- chim-chim.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- What weakness does Blair reveal? - Mini Babybels, he can't get enough of them.- There's a lot of that...
0:05:56 > 0:06:00No, his drinking. He was saying, "Yeah, I was a bit of a drinker,"
0:06:00 > 0:06:02but all he had was half a bottle of wine a night.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05My mate got so drunk he once woke up in a river.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Half a bottle of Merlot's nothing.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09My mate thought he was a duck.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:14In the book he said he drank to deal with the pressure,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18then he talks about the things he was worried about, including that at the launch night
0:06:18 > 0:06:22of the Millennium Dome, an acrobat would fall on the Queen's head.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26That's mad, that's the kind of thing you worry about in a dream.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28He's a lunatic!
0:06:28 > 0:06:31It is always telling about a nation's attitude towards alcohol
0:06:31 > 0:06:35that everyone went, "What - a whisky and three glasses of wine?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37"I'll show him.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40"I'll show him what a drink problem is!"
0:06:40 > 0:06:44This would be the worst AA meeting ever, it would be so dull.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"Tell us about yourself...
0:06:46 > 0:06:50"Duncan's lost his kids, he's found himself homeless on the streets.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51"How about you, Tony?"
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"Well, first of all, hi, guys.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58"Occasionally, I have a second glass of wine after dinner. Group hug!"
0:06:58 > 0:07:02In fairness, his drinking did lead to him invading a country.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Which makes the UN the international equivalent of a woman in a car park
0:07:07 > 0:07:10going, "Leave him, he's not worth it!"
0:07:11 > 0:07:14The UN made him the Middle East peace envoy,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17after he'd started two wars in the Middle East.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21It would be like making the woman who chucked that cat
0:07:21 > 0:07:24in a wheelie bin an RSPCA inspector.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:33As prime ministers go, it's nothing. Churchill used to have a bottle of champagne for lunch,
0:07:33 > 0:07:37another in the evening, three Scotches, two brandies and a high ball.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41It was no wonder he didn't want to appease Hitler.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43He was up for a scrap, wasn't he?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46To be fair, what people forget about Churchill, when he was doing
0:07:46 > 0:07:52the old, "We shall fight them on the beaches...", he was 25 at the time.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54He died at 32. The lifestyle, really...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I'm surprised he didn't go, "We will fight them on the beaches,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00"and we'll fight them in the pubs, outside the pubs,
0:08:00 > 0:08:01"in the kebab shops..."
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"If they look at our women, we'll twat them."
0:08:04 > 0:08:09"If we're in a late-night garage and we want more fags."
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Churchill said later in life his greatest regret
0:08:12 > 0:08:14was never winning the Second World War.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Didn't remember a thing about it.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19He also looked quite like you.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20AUDIENCE: O-o-oh!
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I'm glad that is regarded as an insult.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28He did. I'd say that was a compliment.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30You would. He was a big round man.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Say, "We will fight them on the beaches."
0:08:32 > 0:08:34We will fight them on the beaches.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37That's more like the Churchill dog!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40APPLAUSE
0:08:44 > 0:08:47That was Tommy Cooper. We will fight them on the beaches!
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Showaddywaddy!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- That's not Tommy Cooper!- Who is it?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56I don't know who that is, but I think they usually have a carer with them.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59HE MUMBLES
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Say this, "Never in the field of human conflict..."
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I'm not doing Churchill impressions for you!
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Do sexy Churchill.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Sexy Churchill? I will fight you on the beaches...
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- Why was William Hague in the news? - He's come out to say he's not gay.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- Want to rethink the wording of that sentence?- No, not at all.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22William Hague this week said he wasn't gay, and Cameron
0:09:22 > 0:09:25hardly helped matters by saying the entire Tory Party were behind him.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27LAUGHTER
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Could be a better way of putting that. I felt so sorry for him.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32All he was doing was sharing a room with his mate.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35It's not as if he was watching Pineapple Studios rubbing his nipples.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40It wasn't quite his mate, though. It was a special adviser.
0:09:40 > 0:09:46And you wonder how good was the advice he was giving him, "Oh, you wear a baseball cap
0:09:46 > 0:09:51"and wrap-around shades, and what's more, book a twin room and put me in it."
0:09:51 > 0:09:56The thing is, guys, come on. We share a room when we're on tour, don't we?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58- No.- We do. Don't lie.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Me, Andy, Hugh are in one bed, Dara's in the other...
0:10:01 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Let's be honest, we are topping and tailing.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06It is ridiculous.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Come on, in fairness, I wouldn't sleep in the same room
0:10:09 > 0:10:12as any one of my mates, because I'd wake up
0:10:12 > 0:10:14with no eyebrows and the word "paedo" on my face.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16It's a little different.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18That would have been a great political story,
0:10:18 > 0:10:19if he'd woken up with one eyebrow.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Imagine walking in to PMQs with a Hitler moustache.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23"I can explain this..."
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It was embarrassing, the picture of him with the sunglasses,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32but he has suppressed this picture that we're very proud to show...
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Even if they shared the same bed - I share a bed with a woman.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Does that make me a lesbian? No!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Admittedly, it might eventually make her one, but that...
0:10:46 > 0:10:50This is the man who earns £400,000 a year.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53What on earth is he doing sharing a room?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55That just seems massively tight-fisted.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Some of us get night terrors, all right?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06What's funny about that, if there is a goblin under my bed?!
0:11:07 > 0:11:11These rumours have followed him around since university.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15He came on the national stage at 16, speaking at the Tory Conference -
0:11:15 > 0:11:19the youngest ever person to address the Tory Party conference.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Later, the rumours came up that he has no female companions.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28But he's a political dork who went bald in his 20s.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32That does not scream "fanny magnet"
0:11:32 > 0:11:34at the best of times. God love him.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It's not HIS fault! Take it from a nerd who lost
0:11:37 > 0:11:41his hair early - you're fighting a difficult game at the best of times.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46I've been reading about Hague, and apparently he has to compete with Rotterdam as a port.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER
0:11:52 > 0:11:53OK, at the end of that round,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Now we play a round called Wayne Rooney's Threesome of Fun.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08This game involves Milton, Andi and Andy.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11If you could make your way to the performance area.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12It is a stand-up challenge.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17one of our performers must talk about that subject.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. Here we go.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23The first subject is...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Politics.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Who wants to come in with that? Andi?
0:12:27 > 0:12:31All right. So it's been a pretty amazing time for black people
0:12:31 > 0:12:34in politics. There's a lot of black women becoming movers and shakers.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39We've got Oona King going up for Labour candidacy for the mayoral election,
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Diane Abbott, got her 33 nominations, going for Labour leadership. Doesn't stand a chance...
0:12:44 > 0:12:49but good luck to you. And we've got Floella Benjamin in the House of Lords!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I know what you're thinking - how the hell did she get in there?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Through the round window?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58It's true. I think we've shown that we're up for change.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00We've shown we've got a sense of humour, that is
0:13:00 > 0:13:04the only way Boris Johnson could have possibly got himself elected.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07But I heard a lovely story about Boris Johnson, about him and his dad.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Apparently they look very similar, and his dad also likes riding a bike.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14His dad was out one day, riding his bike, and some random geezer
0:13:14 > 0:13:17shouted at him, "Oi, Johnson, you wanker,"
0:13:17 > 0:13:20and he went, "I think you mean my son."
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Which I thought was lovely.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25APPLAUSE
0:13:27 > 0:13:29OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31The subject is...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33security. Who wants to talk about this?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Andy Parsons.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37That dog looks excited, doesn't he?
0:13:37 > 0:13:42Do you think some old lady has trapped a cat in the suitcase?
0:13:44 > 0:13:49They did describe the Times Square bomber as amateurish.
0:13:49 > 0:13:55Now, the reason for this was apparently he used non-explosive fertiliser.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57He hadn't created a bomb.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02He basically created a garden in the back of his SUV.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05If he was a suicide bomber, if he pulled his jacket,
0:14:05 > 0:14:10a little bit of compost would have just trickled down his leg.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Some people think that Osama Bin Laden is in fact dead.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I don't think he's dead. I think we will know
0:14:15 > 0:14:17when Osama Bin Laden is dead.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22It will be when Al-Qaeda release all of his videos as a box set.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24LAUGHTER
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Thank you very much, Andy Parsons!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33OK, that leaves us with Milton.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Let's see what you've been left with.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39The subject is school.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50When I was five years old, my teacher asked me if I wanted
0:14:50 > 0:14:52to take the school guinea pig home.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Seven months later I arrived in the African Republic of Guinea...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:08My parents didn't know where I was,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10the British Consulate wouldn't help,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13and my space hopper had a puncture.
0:15:16 > 0:15:23When I was at school I spent half my time afraid of things like fractions.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Well, I say half my time...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It's not easy for teachers, though. Where do you stand?
0:15:36 > 0:15:41Do you stand at the front, where you can write on the board but you can't see the children,
0:15:41 > 0:15:45or do you stand at the back where you can see the children but you can't write on the board?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48No one has able to solve that dilemma, not by a long chalk.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57When I was young, I baked an apple tart.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I took it to Leeds, Liverpool and Reading - all because my maths
0:16:00 > 0:16:04teacher said make sure you take pi to three dismal places.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Thank you very much.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15And in that round the points go to Milton Jones! Come on back.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27On the board are six categories. Andi, which category would you like?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Erm, sport, please.- OK, sport is your category. The answer is...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33What is the question?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Is it the viewing figures for the Women's Rugby World Cup...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38if you added two?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Is it the number of North Korean players
0:16:42 > 0:16:44who got home safely after the World Cup?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Is it at what age is too young to be on Twitter?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"Just done a shit, LOL."
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Is it, how many Sugababes now have diabetes?
0:16:58 > 0:17:03Is it, how long does a game of I Spy take in seconds
0:17:03 > 0:17:06for a group of Chilean miners?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"Starts with a J. Is it Javier again?
0:17:12 > 0:17:13"It is Javier again."
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Is it, how many steps to heaven have been replaced by a wheelchair ramp?
0:17:20 > 0:17:25How many people in Britain last year paid the right amount of tax?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28APPLAUSE
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Is it how many livers did George Best get through?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:36 > 0:17:38What?! He liked liver. It was his favourite meal.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Or is it how old was the boy who made my trainers?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It's a joke. I'm wearing Hush Puppies.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Is it how many Facebook friends have I got?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Is it what is the minimum membership level for a Musketeers club?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04It really would work... All for one and you for me!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Is it, on a Dulux colour chart, how many oranges
0:18:10 > 0:18:15are there that are slightly brighter than Christine Bleakley's face?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Wow, the minute you leave the BBC, you are dead to us.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20That's the way that works. Dead to us, Christine.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Anyone who knows the correct answer?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Is it allegedly the number of deliberate no-balls
0:18:26 > 0:18:28the Pakistanis bowled in the last Test match?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Yes, that's absolutely right. Well done, Andy Parsons.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35The question I was looking for was how many no-balls
0:18:35 > 0:18:37were allegedly delivered to order
0:18:37 > 0:18:40by Pakistan cricketers in a £150,000 betting scam
0:18:40 > 0:18:42uncovered by the News of the World?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44This is the news that Pakistan cricketers Salman Butt,
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir have been suspended
0:18:47 > 0:18:50by the International Cricket Council after the News of the World
0:18:50 > 0:18:52claimed to have uncovered an alleged betting scam
0:18:52 > 0:18:55set up by London-based fixer Mazhar Majeed,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58and said that he let the paper in on the scam in return for £150,000.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02But it's a no-ball, isn't it? It's effectively a foot fault.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05If you are betting on foot faults, you have a gambling problem.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08You would think people would spot that.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11If you went into William Hill and said,
0:19:11 > 0:19:15"I think Andy Murray is going to do a foot fault in the fourth point
0:19:15 > 0:19:17"of the third game of the second set,"
0:19:17 > 0:19:20wouldn't the person behind the counter go,
0:19:20 > 0:19:21that's a bit suspicious?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24"A bit specific, isn't it?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27"We only need the score, mate. Thanks very much"
0:19:27 > 0:19:30It is astonishing, kind of sad, in a way,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33that there are people out there who are willing to bet on...
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Watch cricket long enough to see if no-balls are being bowled during a Test match.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42You can also bet on how many friends they have got and the last time they managed to talk to a girl.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49As if cricket isn't dull enough anyway, you are looking for dull things within a dull sport.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53They did a no-ball within the dullness. That is like
0:19:53 > 0:19:56eating at a vegan barbecue whilst listening to Dido -
0:19:56 > 0:19:58you can't get any duller.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02There are greater allegations. They are saying there is a chance that they
0:20:02 > 0:20:06actually threw one of the matches against Australia last winter.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11And you're thinking, "My goodness me, we have just lost to them in the third Test match.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15"If it turns out they were match-fixing, we have been trying
0:20:15 > 0:20:22to beat them and we lost to a team, who quite possibly were trying to throw the match. How crap are we?!"
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Stop hitting the ball!
0:20:25 > 0:20:29I'm throwing it underarm. I'm throwing it in
0:20:29 > 0:20:31the most girlish way. Stop hitting the damn ball!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I think people are making it like it's really extreme or something.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41Someone said in the papers, "This is the worst crime a sportsman can commit.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I'm thinking, "Try telling OJ Simpson's wife that."
0:20:45 > 0:20:47There was a quote, in the News of the World, I think,
0:20:47 > 0:20:51"In this terrible time for Pakistan...", which obviously it is at the moment,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54"In this terrible time for Pakistan, while they struggled with
0:20:54 > 0:20:59"the huge disaster, these four men were defiling the traditions at Lord's."
0:20:59 > 0:21:03And you go, "Because that's really what the people are worried about at the moment!"
0:21:03 > 0:21:08"We have no possessions, our home has been washed away, but as long as the home of cricket
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"remains bound with integrity, that is the most important thing."
0:21:11 > 0:21:14It is extraordinary they paid £150,000 for the story,
0:21:14 > 0:21:19when normally they hack into the players' voice mails and pay nothing.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21What is scary is, going into a betting shop.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I'm not an Alpha male. You walk in and go,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26HIGH PITCHED: "Hello. I'd like to bet on the National."
0:21:26 > 0:21:30And all the men look massive, made even bigger by holding tiny pens.
0:21:30 > 0:21:36You see the little pen going, "I wish I worked in Argos!"
0:21:36 > 0:21:38On the day of the Grand National, you do feel like that.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43"I'd like to bet on a horse, please. Which one has the prettiest name?"
0:21:43 > 0:21:44"Do ya wanna do it each way?"
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"Do they come back?"
0:21:46 > 0:21:52- Why was Wayne Rooney in trouble this week?- Wayne Rooney allegedly, Dara, had sex with a prostitute.
0:21:52 > 0:21:58I cannot wait for the songs that will come from the crowd.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Straightaway, it will be...
0:22:00 > 0:22:02TO "THIS OLD MAN" TUNE # Wayne Rooney shagged a whore
0:22:02 > 0:22:03# We all thought he couldn't score
0:22:03 > 0:22:06# His wife's going to take his money from the bank
0:22:06 > 0:22:10# Next time, Wayne just have a wank. #
0:22:10 > 0:22:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:13 > 0:22:17No, I think that is great, but I think it's long for your average football supporter.
0:22:18 > 0:22:26She also said she wouldn't have sex with him in his own house, out of respect for Coleen.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28That's a woman with standards.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33He allegedly paid a grand for sex.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37There is girls in Norwich who will do it for chips. Just a complete waste.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40It speaks volumes about how ugly Rooney is.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44He's a multi-millionaire footballer and still has to pay for sex!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48"Please touch my penis." "It's gonna cost you, Shrek." Brutal.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I think the real problem is there will be people in Norwich watching,
0:22:51 > 0:22:55going, "Oh, I'm just going out to the fish and chip shop."
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- Six bags of chips, please.- I will tell you how middle class I am.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04When I saw the headline, "Cheating Roo beds hooker,"
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I thought, "Kanga is going to be furious!"
0:23:10 > 0:23:13It was listing all his earnings and what might be compromised
0:23:13 > 0:23:17because of what's happened. He has got a £5m book deal.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Who wants a book by Wayne Rooney?
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Do you know he has written two already? And they have sold.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I can't get it, what does it say in there?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29SCOUSE ACCENT: "Scored a goal, banged a prossie."
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Chapter Two, "Scored a goal, banged a prossie."
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Chapter Three, "Swallowed a Lego."
0:23:37 > 0:23:39APPLAUSE
0:23:39 > 0:23:45One of my favourite things is the papers are saying he's going to lose the sponsorship money.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Like kids won't buy Coke because Rooney cheated.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53"I'm really thirsty, but I just don't believe in sex outside wedlock."
0:23:56 > 0:24:00At the end of that round, points to Russell, Andy and Andi!
0:24:04 > 0:24:09Now Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:24:09 > 0:24:14I will read out this week's topics and see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16The first subject is...
0:24:19 > 0:24:26"So we were playing truth or dare and I didn't want to tell the truth, so I shagged Edwina Currie."
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"Big Ben struck 12 and stopped.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36"Thank God. My buttocks were on fire."
0:24:41 > 0:24:44"I thought I had pressed the button that summoned the tea lady.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48"Imagine my surprise when it turned out I had bombed Russia."
0:24:49 > 0:24:56"I think the greatest thing about meeting the Queen was listening to him singing Candle In The Wind."
0:24:59 > 0:25:04"Say what you like about Robert Mugabe, but that moustache makes all the difference to foreplay."
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"I suspected that John Prescott was having an affair
0:25:10 > 0:25:15"when the four legs of his desk came through the ceiling above me."
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"I was actually at college with Saddam Hussein."
0:25:21 > 0:25:24"We were at Sussex together, doing chemistry and combined inhumanities."
0:25:27 > 0:25:32"At the start, there were three women in the Cabinet, five in the cellar and two under the patio."
0:25:36 > 0:25:43"Deciding to go to war was one of the tensest games of eeny meeny miny mo I have ever played."
0:25:45 > 0:25:50"We'd sometimes break up boring cabinet meetings by convincing David Blunkett he was black."
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"When we got into Bosnia, the first thing we did
0:25:58 > 0:26:03"was get the UN troops setting up trestle tables with plates of cheese straws and sausage rolls.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07"It turns out, we were supposed to provide a buffer, not a buffet."
0:26:13 > 0:26:15"John Prescott - An Autobi...
0:26:15 > 0:26:17"An Autobr... A Book By Me!"
0:26:22 > 0:26:23"Take that, you bastard," he said.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26"No one fucks with Mahatma Gandhi."
0:26:30 > 0:26:31The next topic is...
0:26:35 > 0:26:40"I know you're a teenage mother, but nobody will patronise you here. Come through to the slag ward."
0:26:43 > 0:26:45"Next, he was put in a CAT scanner.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48"Unfortunately, the cat was still in it."
0:26:53 > 0:27:01"And so Nick Griffin comes round after the face transplant and that's not the colour he was expecting!"
0:27:05 > 0:27:08"OK, now cough...and cough again."
0:27:08 > 0:27:11"OK, I have got the diagnosis.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12"You have a cough."
0:27:16 > 0:27:20"Eventually, doctors had to break his leg in six places.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24"It was the only way to stop him running around the ward, the little tosser."
0:27:26 > 0:27:30"34% of people in this country have irritable bowel synd... Oh, sorry!"
0:27:32 > 0:27:39"What this attractive patient doesn't realise is Dr Singh was struck off years ago."
0:27:42 > 0:27:46"Brian is 75 stone, he hasn't left the house for three years.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49"What a fat bastard."
0:27:52 > 0:27:58"After months of tests, doctors finally discovered what had caused his blindness.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00"He had been masturbating too much."
0:28:03 > 0:28:07"Today, we're attempting a slightly difficult operation.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11"What we're hoping to do is remove the Adam's apple with a pair of tweezers,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13"without the patient's nose flashing red."
0:28:18 > 0:28:22"Tara removes her top, to reveal a hideous skin infection.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25"Look away now if you are eating Rice Krispies."
0:28:30 > 0:28:34"The Siamese twins were joined in the most embarrassing place imaginable
0:28:34 > 0:28:37"and known by friends as 'the skipping rope'."
0:28:46 > 0:28:49SUSTAINED AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:29:02 > 0:29:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:04 > 0:29:07At the end of that round, the points go to Russell, Andy and Andi!
0:29:08 > 0:29:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:15 > 0:29:20That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Russell Howard.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:23 > 0:29:27Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O'Briain. Goodnight.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:54 > 0:29:57E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk