0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Are you my special little baba?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Margaret. My silver-haired princess.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13I am anything you want me to be.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Oh, there's a clever little baba.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20And OK, I'm not your first cat. I've come to terms with this.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24There'll always be a place in your heart for Mr Whiskers,
0:00:24 > 0:00:26the tabby-coloured cocksucker.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31But us. I feel like a kitten again, and I really think you could be the...
0:00:31 > 0:00:32SHE SCREAMS Margaret?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Margaret...
0:00:36 > 0:00:39MARGARET!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42HE BLOWS
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Breathe! Don't you die on me, old girl!
0:00:45 > 0:00:49- Let her go, Marion. It's too late. - You don't know! You're not doctor!
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- No. But then it has been four months.- Seriously?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Wow. Because that totally flew by. - Hmm.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04So...if you're finished. It's just, you know, getting kind of hungry.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Oh, yeah. Sure. Go to town.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11No, come on man, that's disrespectful.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Well, might as well just come out with it. I'm in love!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- With a human woman!- Hold up, Nelson.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Where did you get the laptop?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Hmm? Oh, Tesco.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34I hid in the bushes, snuck in at closing time, went to the computer department.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Then took a CD, then used it to jimmy open the till,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39then nicked all the Computers For Schools vouchers.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Then set up a fake school.- Right.- I mean it was a heck of a lot of work.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45And Ofsted was an absolute bloody nightmare.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47You're such a cock-end.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50But it was worth it to meet Wendy. She runs this Il Divo fansite.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52She's sweet, she's clever...
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Not that clever if she's, for instance, talking to a fox on the Internet.
0:01:56 > 0:02:02Ah, thing is, Kali. Haven't actually mentioned the whole fox thing.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04She thinks you're Toby Anstis?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07She doesn't think I'm not Toby Anstis.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- So what else have you used his name for?- Nothing!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12God, why all the suspicion?
0:02:16 > 0:02:1936 quid to Duchy Originals?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Duchy biscuit anyone?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Marion! Long time no see. Let me guess.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- The old rogue got tired of being tied down to one woman, eh?- Yes.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Also she did the Christopher Reeve down the stairs and died.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- So, what I miss?- Oh, nothing much.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I took Vince to a swanky wine bar.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I think we're onto a winner here, Vince.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Play it nice and cool, son, nice and cool.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50And we set ourselves up in the chandelier cleaning business.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Brace yourself, Destiny.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54TINKLING
0:02:54 > 0:02:55LOUD CRASH
0:02:55 > 0:02:58And then, sadly, my uncle died.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Albert?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04The joy just seemed to go out of it really.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Well, I would say it's good to be home.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09But that would be horrible lies.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- <- Destiny! Time for your appointment.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Oh, God. It's Wednesday.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16OMG, it's Wednesday! Oh!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Don't just stand there, you stupid bastard!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Don't you know what Wednesday means?!
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- HE CHOKES - Nigel Slater's Simple Suppers?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Worse. Even worse than that.
0:03:26 > 0:03:33- Guys, gals, doggies, welcome back to Strictly Dog Dancing!- You know what?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I hope you get renal failure.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Really, I do.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40As always, me and Sparky will kick things off with a demonstration.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Isn't that right, Sparky?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- That is correct, Dale. Yes. - Two, three, four!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47# We've got to all stick together
0:03:47 > 0:03:50# Good friends are there for each other
0:03:50 > 0:03:52# Never ever forget that
0:03:52 > 0:03:57# I've got you and you've got me
0:03:57 > 0:04:01# So reach for the stars
0:04:01 > 0:04:04# Climb every mountain higher
0:04:04 > 0:04:07# Reach for the stars
0:04:07 > 0:04:09# Follow your heart's desire... #
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Look at these LOSERS!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Seriously, most people have to fly a plane into a building
0:04:14 > 0:04:17before they're surrounded by this many virgins.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21# ..that's when your dreams will all come true. #
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Thank you!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Who's a good little boy then?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Is it Sparky?
0:04:27 > 0:04:32Well, not one to blow my own trumpet, Dale, but yes, it is me!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Now then, guys and gals, your turn! In fact...Gary. Come on up here.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38No! Oh, for the love of God!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- No! - SHE CHOKES
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Hope you're ready, love. I want to see those fleckerls!
0:04:43 > 0:04:48This is so cruel! Like when I was a pup and you rubbed my nose in it!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Though, in fairness, I have rubbed your nose in it.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55# You've got a dead wife
0:04:55 > 0:04:57# You've got a dead wife... #
0:04:57 > 0:04:59SHE CHOKES Two, three, four.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02# Good friends are there for each other
0:05:02 > 0:05:04# Never ever forget that
0:05:04 > 0:05:09# I've got you and you've got me
0:05:09 > 0:05:12# So reach for the stars... #
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Step step through the legs! When she does it,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16little treat.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate...
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Oh, doggy chocolate.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27HE SIGHS
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I want to join your evil scheme.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Sure. Just make a cheque out to Tom Cruise, we'll send you a fact pack.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- What?- Sorry, which evil scheme do you mean?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39You know, get in with some old lady, bump her off and take her money.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- We could be the biggest thing since Harold Shipman and Snowdrop. - Snowdrop?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46MUSIC: "Oh Fortuna" by Carl Orff
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"..being of sound mind does hereby..."
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Oi, Harry, how do you spell 'bequeath'?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00So, this stupid bastard's gone AWOL, yeah?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02You turn up, say it's you.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04But he looks nothing like me!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- He has a slightly lazy eye. - Got it covered.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Just focus on my beak,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13on my beak,
0:06:13 > 0:06:14on my beak,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17on my beak, on my beak,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21on my beak, on my beak...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23and wok!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25HE CHUCKLES
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?- To meet Wendy.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- You're meeting an actual human woman?- Mm-hm.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- But you're a fox!- In a tie.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- She's not going to want YOU! - Well, you know what? I don't care!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I just want to...smell her.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Just once.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44So, did it work?!
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Russell Howard! What in the name of Marty Feldman happened to your eye?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Why are you both wearing ties?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Clever little Destiny!
0:06:57 > 0:06:58That's really cheered me up!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Yeah, funny, isn't it, fat arse?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Let's see who's laughing when I pee on Helen's grave.
0:07:03 > 0:07:09NEW YORK ACCENT: What's a nice girl like you doing at a municipal adult education centre like this?
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Who? Me? Oh, nothing.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13We're just...hanging out. Playing a bit of pool.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Great footwork, Destiny, might want to work on those rondes...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18GO AWAY! How about you?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Oh. I'm in for Dog Obedience.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- It was either this or a one-way ticket to Battersea.- Whoa!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Sorry to ask.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Are you doing a bit of wee right now?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Sweetheart, do I look like a market stall holder to you?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- No.- Exactly. That's why I do all my business indoors.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38SHE LAUGHS
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Anyway, I'd better scoot.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- Oh, my God, you're itching your arse on the carpet!- Oh, yeah.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Sticking it to the man.
0:07:46 > 0:07:52Gary... Don't look now, I think I'm in love!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- HE GASPS - You...
0:08:01 > 0:08:02My Wendy!
0:08:02 > 0:08:08And what a body! Right up my street, because I'm a real leg man.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Preferably four as a rule, but...
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Sorry. Might sound weird, but have you seen Toby Anstis?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Hold up. You're Wendy?
0:08:16 > 0:08:22Oh, great. 20-mile round trip from Crawley, Toby Anstis is a bloody fox!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Wow. Guess we've both been rumbled.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30- Boy is my face red!- And I mean us two, you know, probably shouldn't even be talking to each other!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33God, no. Oh, well, we'll just have to chalk it up to experience.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- No more lying. So... - HE LAUGHS
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I didn't lie about Il Divo.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40HE GASPS
0:08:40 > 0:08:45- Who's your favourite?- Gosh, they've all got such different personalities.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I'd have to say...Carlos.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Is the correct answer!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Um, OK, look, you've come a long way,
0:08:52 > 0:08:56I'm all dolled up... How about a bite to eat?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Erm. OK.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03Great. There's actually a Nando's just around the...sorry, sorry, didn't think.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05DOORBELL RINGS
0:09:05 > 0:09:10Hello. For it's me, Chopsticks, your loveably cross-eyed cat!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Oh! My baby! You've come home!
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Indeed I have.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Now bring on the sweetmeats!
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Sorted. Now let's make like a clairvoyant...
0:09:22 > 0:09:25and rob an old lady.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28# Today this could be
0:09:28 > 0:09:33# The greatest day of our lives
0:09:33 > 0:09:37# Today this could be
0:09:37 > 0:09:42# The greatest day of our lives
0:09:44 > 0:09:46# Oh
0:09:46 > 0:09:50# And the world comes alive
0:09:50 > 0:09:54# And the world comes alive
0:09:54 > 0:09:58# And the world comes alive
0:09:58 > 0:10:01# Oh oh oh-oh
0:10:01 > 0:10:04# Stay close to me
0:10:04 > 0:10:08# Hold on Stay close to me
0:10:08 > 0:10:14# Watch the world come alive tonight
0:10:14 > 0:10:17# Stay close to me
0:10:17 > 0:10:21# Oh stay close to me
0:10:21 > 0:10:26# And the world comes alive... #
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I just want to say...thank you.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Thank you for an amazing day.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Pleasure. I mean, how can it be wrong for a fox to fall in love with a chicken...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37In love?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Er, what I meant to say was... - Don't say anything. Just kiss me.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47- Cuddle?- Cuddle.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Mmm! Seriously, Ruth,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57wonderful technique.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58I'm off to see Freddie the magpie.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00See if I can't fence this lot on.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04You are a depraved bird of hate. Get out of my sight!
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Oh, don't worry, Marion. You won't be seeing me again for some time.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I bid you adieu.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18Cannot believe this. A new owner and, for once, there's no catch!
0:11:20 > 0:11:24You were a naughty boy to run away, Chopsticks.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27But I know why you did it.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31You didn't want your little baubles cut off, did you?
0:11:31 > 0:11:36- But now that you're home, we can get you neutered first thing in the morning.- Huh?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39OK, that's the catch, right there.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Leave me. I've got to learn.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46..and then he just cocked it,
0:11:46 > 0:11:51- right then and there, and did quite a big wee in a corridor.- Morten Harket!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I'm a wild animal, I'd never THINK about doing that inside.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Yeah, because he's an outlaw and you're a square.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I'm not a square. I break the rules.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- The rules of Boggle. - Still takes guts!
0:12:02 > 0:12:05I have to find a way into that obedience class.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Oh, erm, talking of matters of the old heart E-T-C,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I've got a mate, right, and, get this,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15er, he's a fox, and he's fallen in love with a bloody chicken!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18And as girls, what's your, er, what's your take on it?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Hold on one second. A fox...- Mm.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- ..and a chicken?- Mm-hm.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26BOTH: NOOOOOO!
0:12:26 > 0:12:27BANG!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Why do you ask? - Oh, you know, no reason.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33OK, so here's a funny story.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38- Tomorrow morning, I'm getting surgically castrated! - HE LAUGHS
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Nothing? No? Wow, tough crowd!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Marion, what are you on about?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Er, it is Ruth. She wants me to have a little trim downstairs.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52- So I thought, "Why not?"- Why not?! It's not like getting a haircut!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- They don't just grow back! - I knew that!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56(I didn't know that.)
0:12:56 > 0:13:01I say go for it. You know, you can achieve a hell of a lot in life without any testicles.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Buble!
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Exactly.
0:13:06 > 0:13:12And so, if anyone wants to see my balls for the last time, say now or forever...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- No.- Nah, you're good.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Nelson?- Hm?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Why can't I meet your friends?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Are you... Are you ashamed of me?
0:13:27 > 0:13:31No! God! I just want us to have some space, get to know each other first.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Anyway, let's Boggle!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- <- Nelson?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- <- Are you playing Boggle without me?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Vince!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Damn you, Boggle! Have I learned nothing from the cautionary tale of Anne Frank?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- <- Yahtzee! Oops.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Er, you have to hide. He'll kill you.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Quickly! Um, er, behind the scatter cushions!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- Oi oi, Nelson, you- BLEEP- wanker. - NELSON LAUGHS
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Yes. Nice to see you, too. - Now, what we got here, then?
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- Well, I can make- BLEEP, BLEEP- sticks.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- BLEEP- lips. Um...
0:14:11 > 0:14:16- And- BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP- jockey. - VINCE LAUGHS
0:14:16 > 0:14:18So that's 37 points to you.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Hold on. I smell chicken.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26And you know what I think about chickens, don'tcha?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30# They're not from this country
0:14:30 > 0:14:32# They spread dem disease
0:14:32 > 0:14:35# They look the same and all wiggle their heads when they speak
0:14:35 > 0:14:39# They lay loads of eggs to get free accommodation
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- #- BLEEP- all the chickens Dem the scourge of the nation
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- #- BLEEP- chickens
0:14:45 > 0:14:46- #- BLEEP- 'em back where they belong
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- #- BLEEP- chickens
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- #- BLEEP- 'em all the way to Hong Kong
0:14:53 > 0:14:57# Oh, you get loads and loads all living under one roof
0:14:57 > 0:14:58# They're no good at flying
0:14:58 > 0:15:00# People know the truth
0:15:00 > 0:15:03# Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time
0:15:03 > 0:15:07# But no one cares about the plight of the vulpine
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- #- BLEEP- chickens
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- #- BLEEP- 'em back where they belong
0:15:11 > 0:15:12- #- BLEEP- chickens
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- #- BLEEP- 'em all the way to Hong Kong... #
0:15:14 > 0:15:15All together now!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- #- BLEEP- chickens
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- #- BLEEP- 'em back where they belong
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- #- BLEEP- chickens
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- #- BLEEP- 'em all the way to Hong Kong
0:15:23 > 0:15:24- #- BLEEP- chickens
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- #- BLEEP- 'em back where they belong - BLEEP- chickens
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- # To actually- BLEEP - a chicken would be wrong. #
0:15:31 > 0:15:35I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but some of that sounded prejudiced.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40So, tell me, Nelson, what's behind those scatter cushions?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Er, would you believe me if I said
0:15:43 > 0:15:45feminine beauty products?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Yeah.- Good. Anyway,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50oh, goodness me, is it Doc Martin already?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Sod this, let's go and find some old slapper to bang.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Another six points. Well played.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06Now, I'm dropping the payload on the bedspread!
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Obedience class, here I come! SHE STRAINS
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Wow, it is like I've landed in the middle of an R. Kelly sex tape.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Oi! Bit of privacy? SHE STRAINS
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Because you're making it go back in!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- OK! - SHE STRAINS
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Oh, it just feels wrong!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I'll have to find another way.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28You asked for this, Gary -
0:16:28 > 0:16:31a prolonged attack of antisocial barking.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Bark. Bark. Bark.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Bark. Bark. Bark. Bark.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Bark. Bark. Bark.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42SHE SIGHS
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Bark. Bark. Bark.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Bark. Bark. Bark. Bark.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Bark. Bark. Bark.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Bark.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55GOD! This is really hard!
0:16:55 > 0:17:01Of course, Destiny, you do realise that there is a very simple way to upset Gary.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05I'm arresting you in connection with the ritual sacrifice of Stephen Hendry.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Oh, yeah! - SHE LAUGHS
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Kali, I am not framing him for the murder of a famous snooker player.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14That's your answer for everything!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Come on, then, my little disco doggy. Shall we practise our salsa?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Shall we? - Oh, get lost, Gary! Get OFF!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Ow! Jesus Christ!- Oh, God...
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Why didn't I think of this sooner?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27SHE GROWLS
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Oh, no, Destiny, no. No, no, the testicles, no!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32HE SIGHS
0:17:32 > 0:17:35So, lads, end of the line.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36You look after each other, OK?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39As you can see, we offer several options.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43The platinum package, with an overnight stay and full aftercare support.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Let's go with that. I think we'll go with that.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- The gold package, as you can see, is slightly cheaper. - No, no, still the first one.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Or if you are on a budget, we offer a no-frills value package.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57We are not on a budget. Money no object, right, Ruth?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Well, times are tight, with the economy how it is.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02What? No, no, no! There are green shoots of recovery.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04We are officially out of recession!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- I think we'll have to go with that one.- Which one? Which one?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10If you'd just like to settle up with my receptionist.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Can I pay on my card?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Not for less than five pounds, no.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Less than what?! Ruth! Don't be a tightwad!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I'll chip in!
0:18:18 > 0:18:19It could be my birthday present!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Joint birthday and Christmas?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Right, chap, sharp scratch.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29SHE SOBS See you later, Vince!
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Quick question - at what point do you stop being a witness and start being an accomplice?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- Wendy? What is it?- Nothing...
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- Have those boys been throwing eggs at our door again?- I found this.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- A red feather?- It's Bruce, my husband! He's found me!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Husband? Wendy, how many more lies?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49You don't get it.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53I've left before, but he always tracks me down. And when he does...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55He's a wife pecker!
0:18:55 > 0:19:00The last time, he was so rough, next morning, I... I mislaid.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Oh, God, Wendy, don't.- It was like giving birth to an omelette.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- No, seriously, I've just eaten.- And I was thinking, you could talk to him.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12Ah. Er, confrontation really not my forte.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Er, excuse me, are you the owner?
0:19:15 > 0:19:20It's just, erm, sorry to be a bore, er you've actually parked on my, er...
0:19:20 > 0:19:24well, my spine, which is a bit of a ruddy ball ache, really.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26So if you could just, er... No? OK!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Thanks, anyway!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I understand.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Bok bok bok...
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Did you just... Are you calling me a coward?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40No, I make that noise naturally. It's a nervous thing.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Of course! Silly me.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Bwark bok bok bok bok bok.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49- Are you sure? That's starting to look deliberate.- I swear on my mother!
0:19:52 > 0:19:58Bwark bwark bok bok bok bok bok! BWARK bok bok bok bok bok bok bok!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Bok bok bok. Bok...
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Fine, I'll talk to him. Where will I find this Bruce?
0:20:04 > 0:20:10- The old abandoned Mississippi Fried Chicken on the edge of town.- Right.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12We'll see who's the chicken
0:20:12 > 0:20:15out of me and...your husband...
0:20:15 > 0:20:18who's a chicken.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26You asked for this, young lady.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Yes, I did. And you brought me right here, like the pathetic weakling you are.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Come on, Onions, you know that's naughty.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Bumbaclart. Who you calling naughty, blood? I'll stab you up, yeah?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42It's like I'm in the middle of a badly scripted BBC One drama about inner-city knife crime!
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- Yeah, bitches, recycle this!- Rivers!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I see you're, er, yeah, weeing again.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Always, baby, always.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54So tell me, Afghan, what you in for?
0:20:54 > 0:21:00- I mauled Gary! They were this close to putting me down!- Sweet.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- In fact, mind if I...?- Free country.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06SHE URINATES
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Excuse me, I'm looking for the old abandoned Mississippi Fried Chicken.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Folks say it's haunted.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23Folks say you can still hear the lost souls screaming at night
0:21:23 > 0:21:26as they dip 'em in the batter.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Folks say you spend the night there, sends you mad.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Mad! - HE CACKLES
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And do these folks perhaps say where it is?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Folks say it burnt down a hundred year ago.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Nothing left but ash and ghosts.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Right. So that wouldn't be it over there?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Oh, Mississippi Fried Chicken?
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Sorry, I could have sworn you said Nightmare Abbey.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Well, you've been a great help.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02And this is why they invented Google Maps.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04MUSIC: "Killing In The Name" by Rage Against The Machine
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Oh! Here's the trainer.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09OK, so if the owners can just stand with their dogs, please.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Her?! She can't handle us!
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- Doggies, sit nicely. - CLICK! CLICK!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16This is going to be absolute carnage, innit, Rivers?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Rivers? OK, so what the hell just happened?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Good dogs!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- ALL:- I am a good dog.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Beg.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- ALL:- I beg you, master.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Rivers? What has she done to you?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Play dead.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- ALL:- Hello. I'm Richard Whiteley.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44So, anyway, I'm thinking maybe that's enough dog obedience.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Gary! Please, Gary, no! CLICK! CLICK!
0:22:53 > 0:22:56THUNDER RUMBLES
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Bruce?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Er, Bruce?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Er, look, mate, I'm sure we can settle this amicably.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12The last thing either of us want is a costly trip through the county courts.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Bruce?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Bruce?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Bru-uce?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Good Charlotte!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33What are you doing, you maniac?!
0:23:33 > 0:23:40Think of it as karmic payback for all the pain your kind has inflicted upon mine.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42People know where I am, you know. Like Wendy!
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Think you'll find I know dear Wendy rather better than you do.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Hi, Nelson! - NELSON GASPS
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Wendy! That disguise!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55NVQ in Theatrical Make-Up.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Bloody well done, girl, they don't just hand those things out for... You lying bitch!
0:23:59 > 0:24:02HE SNORES
0:24:02 > 0:24:07Oh, I'm sure I am suffering slightly from empty nest syndrome.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09But I'm looking on the bright side.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11At least I am two stones lighter!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Eh, Ruth, eh?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16HE LAUGHS This one will run and run!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Let's get you some more cream, Chopsticks.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21This is good idea.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23HE PURRS
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Hey, you know, it's no so bad.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I may not have my guys.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30At least I have my Ruth.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31DOOR OPENS
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I guess you know who I am.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Chopsticks!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41It was all a lie?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44You? Me? Il Divo?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Can't stand them. I mean, what are they? Are they opera, are they pop?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- Stop it! Just stop it!- Shhh.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54You'll disturb your neighbours.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Afternoon.- Vince?
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Small world, eh? Ha!
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- And not a word about this to Janice, OK?- She fooled you, too?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Always had a thing about poultry.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- The dirtiest thing you can do, innit,- BLEEP- a chicken.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Not if you love each other, actually.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Silence! Prepare to burn in hell!
0:25:12 > 0:25:18Now, I reckon you'll want about fifteen minutes at 800 watts, so...
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Oh, God. Where's Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall when you actually need him?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28I heard you took a bullet for me. Well, now I'm back.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29And you're on my cushion.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32You cannot just waltz in here.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36For Ruth, I will fight to the bloody end!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39RIPPING Oh...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41OK. Yeah, er, oh,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I think I just split my stitches.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48You know, at this setting, we'll be incredibly rubbery.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50My bloody head's cooking.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Do something!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I'm free! How convenient.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- Kill the chicken!- With what?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Er... Oh!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03OK, chicken.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- Watch it! - Time you came home to roost.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Now cut her bloody throat!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- Look, do you just want to carve? - Get on with it!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Oh, great(!) It's Christmas '07 all over again.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- Don't do this! I love you!- Really?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Because I love you too, and...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32HE SCREAMS
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I don't think things are working out between us, Wendy!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I'm just not ready for this sort of commitment!
0:26:38 > 0:26:39It's not you, er,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42it's, er, me! Ah! Ah! Ah!
0:26:45 > 0:26:50And I was all, like, "It'll take more than some plastic clicker to tame this bitch."
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- Believe... - CLICK! CLICK!
0:26:52 > 0:26:56OK, Agent Cue Ball, you know what to do.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Kill Stephen Hendry.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Kill Stephen Hendry.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Ooh, check it! Full instructions for making a dirty bomb.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07So that's Father's Day sorted.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12- OK, you do realise they can track you down for using those sites? - Yeah, I know they can.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Armed police! Get down on the floor now! Don't move! Cuff him!
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Anyway, no nuts, how's life without any balls?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Lonely. At least I got a souvenir.
0:27:24 > 0:27:29- Say hello to my little friends. - Hang on. Three?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Turns out I had massive testicular tumour,
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- so in a way, having my balls cut off saved my life.- Right,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38- so it was worth it, then?- No.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Nelse! What the frig?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Oh, let's just say I learned an important lesson.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Never go out with someone from a different species or genetic background to yourself.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Mm. It never works.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Well, we had to break up. All got pretty messy,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57by which I mean I cut her head off with a plastic knife.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01According to Wikipedia, chickens can live for over a year, even with no head.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- HE LAUGHS - No. You can't trust Wiki. You see, it's not properly moderated.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09ELECTRIC KNIFE WHIRRS
0:28:09 > 0:28:11HE SCREAMS
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:28 > 0:28:31E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk