0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Are we human?
0:00:06 > 0:00:08# Or are we dancer?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Go on, Marion. Just try it!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Don't be such a square, man. It's only a bit of catnip.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Guys, I don't never mess with that stuff! It screws you up!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30And nothing anyone could say or do could EVER change my mind!
0:00:30 > 0:00:31All the cool cats are doing it.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35MUSIC: "Warrior's Dance" by The Prodigy
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Paula Abdul.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01So! Someone can't handle his catnip.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Huh... What happened?!
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Well, in summary, you bezzed out and got stuck up a tree.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Jesus Christ! How did I get down?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Yeah. You didn't.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Oh, God, Kali!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14I'm a cat, and I'm stuck up tree.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- I'm such a cliche.- You totally are.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Luckily, this friendly fireman is here to save me!
0:01:20 > 0:01:26For if there's one thing firemen like spending their precious time doing, it's saving cats from...
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Come here, twat.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31OK, you know what? Think I'd like to speak with your line manager.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Messing around with catnip!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47You've let me down, you've let your friends down,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- but you know who you've let down most?- Myself?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52The Variety Club of Great Britain!
0:01:55 > 0:01:56CHILDREN SOB
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I made a crap in a Sunshine Coach?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Oh, yes, you very much did!
0:02:01 > 0:02:05There was no trip to Thorpe Park for THOSE kiddies. This ends today.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I'm going to make you kick the habit!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10OK, not a word to Gary, but I'm going out for a bit.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14So, what's all this I been hearing about you going out for a bit?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- Nothing. Just meeting up with some guy.- What guy?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19I dunno, to be honest.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22He just called me out of the blue last night.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25CLEARS THROAT
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!- Oi?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- Oi!- Oi!- Oi!- Oi!- Oi!- Oi!- Oi!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Oi!- Oi!- Oi.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Oi!- Oi!- Oi!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- Oi!- Oi!- Oi!- Oi!- Oi!
0:02:39 > 0:02:40- Oi!- Oi!- Oi!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Oi!- Oi! Oi!- Oi!- Oi?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Who knows, he could totally be the one!
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Just be careful, Destiny, eh?
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- At least promise me you'll take your attack alarm.- You mean Harvey?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Rape. Rape. Rape. Rape. No, seriously,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56rape. Rape.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58On second thoughts, just scream.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- And I want you to keep eating catnip until you feel sick.- For serious?!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Classic aversion therapy.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It's what me dad did when he caught me with cigarettes.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Sadly, it's also what he did when he caught my sister with heroin.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18You are the boss.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19- Morning,- BLEEP!
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Vince! Long bloody time, no ruddy bloody see!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Been busy with the whole family thing.- Family?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27You know, the slag I was seeing?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- The one with the- BLEEP - like an aircraft hanger?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Oh, Marjorie!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- She had a litter. Six of the little- BLEEP.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I think the word you're looking for is "cubs".
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Sorry. Sorry, yeah.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Six of the little- BLEEP.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Done it again, doesn't matter. Wait, so I'm an uncle?!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Vince, I need to see those babies, like, yesterday!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50And Marion, keep eating until I get back!
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Will do!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Hey, you know, weirdest thing...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56suddenly fancy Pot Noodle!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Guess who. It's me, Deano!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Your old partner in crime, like?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Oh, my God. Dean!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Mate, it's been too long!
0:04:12 > 0:04:17- So, yeah, like, what you been up to? - Well, I've been stabbed nine times, shot in both wings.
0:04:17 > 0:04:23I've been attacked with a claw hammer, stamped on by a gang of Irish gypsy badgers, set on fire,
0:04:23 > 0:04:28drowned, and back in March I was tortured for two days and left for dead near Warwick Abbey.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30You know, just pottering.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- Right, right, truesay. - Kind of why I'm here, you know. I'm trying to start again.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I were thinking, could I stay with you for a bit?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Stay as long as you like! Be good to have the old team back together.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42That's what I thought, Kali.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Just the three of us.- Three?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Yeah. You. Me.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50And Jesus.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Was he that heron?
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Bit dodgy, crooked leg, always cheating at poker, looked a bit like a heron David Grey?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00No, Jesus Christ.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Uh-oh.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Look at this stuff! - And all for you, baby girl.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Where did you even find it all?!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12You know. Around.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15But why me?! You barely even know me.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16I know you, princess.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21I know you real well. See, I was in the playground on Monday...
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Rewind. You fell in love with some of my poop?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32It was the smell. Like the sweetest perfume,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34made from crap.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Or freshly baked cookies,
0:05:36 > 0:05:37dipped in crap.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Or momma's home-baked apple pie,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41with crap instead of apples.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- I don't believe this. - Followed your scent ever since.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Every time I saw your pee, I sniffed it.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Every time I found your crap, I rolled in it.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I'm going to have to stop you there. This has to be, like,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55the most romantic thing ever!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58And now I got you here, there's one thing I got to do.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00You're going to propose!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Actually, I was going to sniff your anus.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- See, I totally misread that. - Don't be shy, girl.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I sniffed the honey, just want to get my nose in the beehive.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Call me a prude, kinda have a hang-up about letting strangers stick their hooters up my poop chute.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Baby, please. I'll be gentle.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- Well, OK.- Sweet.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Now, if you'll excuse me,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I may be some considerable time.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25SHE GASPS
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I'm so excited I could pop!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Think of the Christmases! The cubs opening their parcels!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Carolling, snuggles by the fire.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39We'll bake a gingerbread house!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- You are such a faggot. - Bit harsh, Vince.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- Well, you know me, I like to call a spade a- BLEEP.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Now, just remembered something about these cubs.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49They're all dead.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It's coming back to me now.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57- Marjorie only went and died during childbirth.- Sir Anthony Hopkins! That's awful!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00What about the poor cubs?
0:07:00 > 0:07:01They were totally fine.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Then I got a bit peckish.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07So I ate 'em.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08You...
0:07:08 > 0:07:10You ate your own babies?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12You know how it is, Nelson.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17It's late, you can't be arsed to go to the all night garage, you ain't got nothing in the fridge...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Vince, you've got Muller Rice!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Well, yeah, but no spoons.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Wait a minute. You ate six perfectly healthy children,
0:07:26 > 0:07:30your own children, just because you couldn't find a spoon?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33In my defence, they ARE both rhubarb.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39I have to say, Vince, this is pretty bloody mental, even by your standards!
0:07:39 > 0:07:44And yes, that includes your turn at the Annual Isle of Dogs Family Variety Performance!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I said I was going to saw her in half!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Matter of fact, I was very, very specific about that.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Hold on...
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Rory McGrath, there's one left!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Yeah, didn't fancy him, looked a bit bony. Have him if you want.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01You know what, Vince, I bloody well will!
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Condiments are on the side.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05To look after, you animal!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Let's just get you out of here.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Huh, look what I just found, a spoon!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14So it WAS a senseless waste of life after all!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Oh, dear.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19So, what you saying?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21You got some kind of problem with my faith?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Yes, actually. See, let me tell you something about the Bible.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Do you know where they kept the pigeons on the Ark? Below deck!
0:08:29 > 0:08:33With the mice, and the rats, and the Big Issue sellers!
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Sorry to ask again...
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I think we've established,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41no-one's got any fricking change!
0:08:41 > 0:08:44In the end, they had to make Noah stop at a cash point.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47God loves us all, Kali. Even pigeons.
0:08:47 > 0:08:53God don't exist. And I happen to know that for a fact. Follow me.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Tell me, Dean...
0:08:59 > 0:09:00# What kind of God?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02# What kind of God?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04# What kind of God?
0:09:04 > 0:09:05# What kind of God?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09# What God allows a child of 13
0:09:09 > 0:09:11# To sleep on the street?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12# Out on the street!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16# So when I use a cash machine
0:09:16 > 0:09:18# He's right there by my feet
0:09:18 > 0:09:19# Right by her feet!
0:09:19 > 0:09:23# It's so awkward when I have to pretend I'm skint and that
0:09:23 > 0:09:24# What kind of God?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26# What kind of God?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29# What kind of God?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31# What kind of God allows that hard
0:09:31 > 0:09:33# See-through plastic packaging of, for instance
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- # Printer cartridges and children's toys?- Amen!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38# That means you have to get out the scissors
0:09:38 > 0:09:40# But then when you cut it you end up cutting yourself
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- # On the sharp edges - Hallelujah!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45# What kind of God? #
0:09:45 > 0:09:46This kind of God!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Oh, God, it's God!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50# That kind of God!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53# OK, man, what's with all the call centres?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55# They provide a service
0:09:57 > 0:10:00# Even those ones based abroad?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03# It's true, the Indian ones are abhorred
0:10:03 > 0:10:05# I'm not being racist, but it makes no sense
0:10:05 > 0:10:07# Having a rail enquiry line that's not based locally!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09# What kind of God?
0:10:09 > 0:10:10# What kind of God?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14# What kind of God?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15# Junk mail in newspapers
0:10:15 > 0:10:17# Come on, be fair
0:10:17 > 0:10:19# Motorcyclists that weave in traffic!
0:10:19 > 0:10:20# Yes, you've got a point there
0:10:20 > 0:10:22# Who brings toddlers to weddings?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24# I shall smite them
0:10:24 > 0:10:25# Wasps!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27# Oh, why did I cre-ite them?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29# People who read over your shoulder!
0:10:29 > 0:10:30# Ex-smokers' advice!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32# Overly chirpy Australian bar staff
0:10:32 > 0:10:34# And Katie Price!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37# What kind of God?
0:10:37 > 0:10:44# It is not my kind of God, yeah! #
0:10:48 > 0:10:51And I am going to save YOU, Dean.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56I'm going to save you from your salvation, and get you back on the road to hell!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- And you'll see that there's no God! - THUNDER CLAP
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Screw you, Biggins!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Serious, girl,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10your anal sacs are intoxicating.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- I'm blushing!- It's cherry blossom,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15and there's, like, a tang of almost...
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- coconut?- I did have a Bounty.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22So, baby girl, time to get your nose in the chocolate box.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Really? I dunno, I've got a bit of a cold, and...- Trust me, baby.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Quickest way to get to know someone.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31OK. Here goes.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Wow! Someone's getting their five a day.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, you know. Try to stay in shape.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Interesting. Didn't have you down as a snooker fan.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I'll watch it if it's on. I'm not obsessive or nothing.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Oh.- What?- No. That can't be right!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- What is it? - Um, according to your anus,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50apparently, you've got like stage five brain...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Wow. You're quick.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03You've got to help me, Destiny.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06See, there's this tree who cries, oh, how he cries!
0:12:06 > 0:12:11And if I can't stop him from crying, he's going to get the piggy bird to tell me the truth!
0:12:11 > 0:12:12And if I hear the truth...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I...will...DIE!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18You've been on the catnip again, ain't ya?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I have eaten every bush in whole East End of London!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23And now I need to score!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Lovely. Anyway, I've only gone and found the ultimate dating shortcut,
0:12:27 > 0:12:28bottom sniffing!
0:12:28 > 0:12:33One sniff, you know everything. Just hope humans never figure out how to do it, it'd ruin Hollyoaks.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38You're planning to do WHAT?
0:12:38 > 0:12:39How dare you?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Well, OK, that's a fair point, but... Hang on.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47You're not supposed to be in this scene!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49What scene?
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Oh, you're filming.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I can't wait to get back out on the dating circuit!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I'll sniff out my perfect man in no time!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Destiny, Marion, there's someone I'd like to...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Argh! I'm hallucinating.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05There is malformed hell baby bursting from your stomach!
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Jesus Christ! I want to claw my own eyes out,
0:13:08 > 0:13:13with my own claws, and stamp on my own eyes, with my own claws!
0:13:13 > 0:13:14What is that thing?
0:13:14 > 0:13:19His name's Kieran, and he's going to be staying with us for a while.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21And he's adorable. Truly.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Um, Nelson, you do realise he's probably like the runt of the litter?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, and so what if he is? Hmm?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30See, let me tell you about a runt of the litter,
0:13:30 > 0:13:34born a sickly little thing, bullied by his siblings,
0:13:34 > 0:13:36parents didn't want to know.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Do you know who that poorly little mongrel grew up to be?- Who?
0:13:39 > 0:13:40I'll tell you who...
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Paul Ross!
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Who's Paul Ross?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46That's a good one! "Who's Paul Ross?"
0:13:46 > 0:13:48No. Seriously, who's Paul Ross?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Paul Ross?- Who is he?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- He's Paul Ross!- And who's that? - Paul Ross.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- Say it again.- Paul.- Paul.- Ross.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- Ross. Paul Ross?- Yes, Paul Ross! Oh, for God's sake, this Paul Ross!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Paul Ross. Paul Ross. Paul Ross.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03I don't believe this.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05There, THAT Paul Ross.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09No, you can tell ITV to take their seven million quid a year deal,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12AND their golden handcuffs, and to stick them where the sun does not shine!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15You do realise he doesn't actually have phone?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Ross out!
0:14:16 > 0:14:20It doesn't matter. The point is, I guess I always related to Paul.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Paul who?- Because...
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Because I was the runt of the litter too, OK?!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Hey, Nelson.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29It's cool. We kind of already knew.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- You did? How?- Just a hunch.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Also, the way you run. - Yeah, that was the clincher.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Yeah, well, I still lead a full and active life!
0:14:43 > 0:14:47And I'm sure he will too, once he's had his jabs.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Wait! People off the telly always have access to ready supply of drugs.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Paul Ross! Do you happen to know anyone off the telly?
0:14:55 > 0:15:00Anyone? At all? No?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06So, doc, all done?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Oh. Yeah. You know, he's an amazing little boy.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- Oh, well. I like to think so. - In the sense that he's still alive.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- Hmm?- Well, he's anaemic. Asthmatic. He's got athlete's foot.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Bell's Palsy. A bile duct infection.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Bronchitis.- Hang on, are you doing these alphabetically?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Carpal Tunnel. Cirrhosis. Cryptosporidiosis...
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- Doctor Cliff Huxtable!- Diabetes.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Dwarfism. Dane Bowyers' Syndrome.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- What the hell's that? - Basically, it just means he's got a lovely singing voice.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37# What a difference a day makes! #
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- And that he's semi-retarded. - I just swallowed some poop.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Thankfully, we do offer an extensive range of treatments for runts like him.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Oh, well, good.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50There's the handgun, the pellet gun, the air gun, the BB gun, the nail gun...
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- You want to kill him?! - Kill, or fatally injure, yah. The paintball gun, the staple gun...
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Quite a slow death, that.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58But you can't! He's a living thing!
0:15:58 > 0:16:02It'll happen soon enough anyway. We're just going to help him along,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04one staple at a time.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Stay back! Now, you might have given up on him, but I sure as hell haven't!
0:16:07 > 0:16:11And I'm going to take this... badly made, diseased little wretch,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14and I'm going to find something he's good at!
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Then you'll see!
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- You'll ALL see!- Just so you know...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- nothing actually wrong with my hearing.- Yes.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Yes, I had rather forgotten that.
0:16:29 > 0:16:36So... Who wants to get messed up on poppers and WKD then set fire to some very elderly squirrels?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Bring in the elderly squirrel.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45When you think about it, you'd be doing her a favour. You know what old people are like
0:16:45 > 0:16:47about staying warm in the winter.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52Heh-heh. Lose the elderly squirrel, bring in the prostitute!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Cor. Will you just look at that prostitute!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Because that really is one attractive prostitute!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Kali, just give up! I ain't falling for no temptation!
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- I'll see you later, yeah?- Damn it!
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Might as well bring the squirrel back in, maybe we can toast marshmallows on her or something.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Kali, please! I will do anything for a hit of the mighty nip!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16OK, Marion. Listen to me.
0:17:16 > 0:17:23There's people out there who can help addicts like you, yeah.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26They're called...pimps!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Yes! Bo! Get in! Zing! One-nil Kali!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Bull's-eye! In your face!
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Gutted for you!
0:17:33 > 0:17:38Truly I have been shamed by your ability to lead me into thinking you were going to say one thing,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41before then saying another, entirely contradictory thing.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Yes! Yes, you have!
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Ha! Wait up, though. Idea...
0:17:48 > 0:17:56- I'll get you your precious catnip but there's someone I need you to kill for me first.- Kali!
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Even we addicts have our boundaries!
0:17:57 > 0:18:01And if there is one thing I will not do, that thing is murders!
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- All the cool cats are... - I need only a name.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Ow. Also a Band-Aid. For my tongue.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15And OK, we runts might not be any good at fighting and playing rugger
0:18:15 > 0:18:19and all that other boysy stuff, but we're good at other things!
0:18:19 > 0:18:23And you're going to prove it. And I think I know just how.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25FOLK MUSIC
0:18:25 > 0:18:31Ah yes, a perfectly competent display of traditional English Morris dancing. Ha-ha!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Medical science be damned!
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Nosebleed!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Ah, the primitive rhythms of the African continent!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Why, even a fool can hit a bongo drum.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Tinnitus!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Ah, the beguiling ancient art of Origa...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Paper cut!
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Watching TV while eating snacks, which technically still counts as a life skill.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Nut allergy!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Sitting quite still for extended periods of...
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Epilepsy!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Sleeping?- Parasomnia! Sleep apnoea!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Night terrors! Ahhh!
0:19:14 > 0:19:20So, in short, you have absolutely no discernable talent for anything whatsoever, you are - no offence -
0:19:20 > 0:19:24almost entirely useless. Have you ever thought about hairdressing?
0:19:28 > 0:19:33So, it's our first date. I thought we could start with a little picnic.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Check out the new Woody Allen movie.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Dinner at the bin. A quick good-night kiss.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Nah.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Too old.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Too passive.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Too aggressive.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Too passive-aggressive.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Carpet soiler. Toilet drinker.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Paul Ross. Passive-aggressive.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Again.
0:20:00 > 0:20:06So wait... I've sniffed every anus in town, and I STILL didn't find Mr Right! Hang on...
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Oh, THAT Paul Ross! God.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Afternoon, mate.- Ah. Now. Yes. Hello. Awkward!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Strike me down if you must, mate.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Just remember, God sees everything.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- He does?- He even saw that Richard Curtis film about the radio boat.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34- No WAY!- Tell me, friend...couldn't help but notice you've been neutered.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39Ah, yeah. This little old lady, she thought I'd look better with the full "Cliff Richard"!
0:20:39 > 0:20:45Well, if you let God into your heart, when you get to heaven, you'll be reunited with your testicles.
0:20:45 > 0:20:51In fact, Jesus himself will sew them back on with, er...threads of gold.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55And it definitely says all this in the Bible?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Oh. I'm sure we'll find something.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I sniffed EVERYONE! And found no-one!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- I'm officially dying alone! - My old nan died alone.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Bless her. Still, we gave her a blooming good send off.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today on the A40,
0:21:13 > 0:21:21just past the Little Chef, opposite Travel Lodge, to mourn the passing of dearly beloved Bernadette.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Oh, God, Terence!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- SQUEALING TYRES AND THUD - No!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Of dearly beloved Bernadette...
0:21:28 > 0:21:29and Terence.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Helpful. Anyway, where's runt baby?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Heh, funny story, actually.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39You know the expression, "you can't wrap them in cotton wool for the rest of their lives"?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- Yeah, turns out he's the exception. - Woah!
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Still, not being horrible or nothing, but probably won't last that long.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49That's the truly wonderful thing, actually.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51He's got a condition called "Persistent Forsythe Syndrome".
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Given 24-hour care, he'll live for years and years and years...
0:21:55 > 0:21:57and years and years and years.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Which is obviously really great news.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- I need my insulin. You- BLEEP. - Neil and Christine Hamilton!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Where on earth did you learn language like that?
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- Evening,- BLEEP.- Oh, of course. Well, better get him inside.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12And don't worry, Destiny. You'll find someone.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15SHE SNIFFS
0:22:15 > 0:22:20- Hold up... Him!?- Holy CRAP! You're in love with NELSON!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- I'm not! I can't be! - Nah, it could work.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24It'd be like Lady and the Tramp.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26The live action remake.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Directed by Mike Leigh.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Um, probably should've mentioned this earlier.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35You do realise I've got hepatitis?
0:22:37 > 0:22:42- Nelson?!- Jesus loves me! - Oh, no you are kidding me.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45HE GIBBERS
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- Marion, are you speaking in tongues? Already?- Yes.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Also I have hair stuck in throat. - HE COUGHS AND GAGS
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Right that's it, I'm calling in the big guns. Vince!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- Yes,- BLEEP? - I need you to kill a dove for me.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00I'll see you in a bit, then.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Halle-bleeding-lujah! I have seen the error of my ways!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Oh, for God's sake!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- Did you just call God a- BLEEP?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13No!
0:23:16 > 0:23:23So according to Darwin, the weaker animals NEED to die off in order that the species itself can remain strong.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27- What are you reading?- Nothing! Just, er, yeah, Argos catalogue.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Anyway, put that somewhere safe.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I think I done something.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Julian Lloyd Webber!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34So that's what you're good at!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Jigsaws! Ah, if only that doctor could see you now, eh?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Ha-ha! Come here...son!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Are you...are you my daddy?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Yes, little boy. Yes, I rather think I am.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- Nelson, I need to talk you.- Not now. We're having a Hallmark moment.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56And I ain't happy about this, believe, but...it's about us.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Us?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I sniffed every animal in ten miles.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04And my nose is telling me... you're the one.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I don't mean to be a pain, I think I have another one for the list.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Brittle bones.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Oh, Destiny, yes!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Yes! A thousand times yes!
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I've pictured this moment a million times in my head and this...
0:24:16 > 0:24:18this is EXACTLY it!
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- Also, I've just vomited on myself. - Yeah, proper fairytale stuff.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Well? What are we waiting for?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Let's go start the rest of our lives!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Um, bleeding...somewhat...
0:24:30 > 0:24:34need...clotting...tablets...
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Ironic.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49Now, vis a vis living arrangements. When were you thinking of moving into the den?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I WILL need a full afternoon to clear out the board games cupboard.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Why?! Why YOU?!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Coincidentally, I was looking into, um, the feasibility, so to speak,
0:25:00 > 0:25:06of a fox and a dog procreating just yesterday, amazingly!
0:25:06 > 0:25:10And apparently they're doing some rather interesting trials in the Netherlands.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- I've actually got the relevant medical journals here if you'd... - NELSON!- Yes, my love?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Oh, this is unbearable!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19SHE SNIFFS WILDLY
0:25:19 > 0:25:23The smell. It's not you, it's me!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- Mmm?- I haven't fallen in love with you at all!
0:25:25 > 0:25:29I've fallen in love with the smell of my own arsehole!
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Ah, Destiny, that is SO Robert Lindsay from My Family!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- What? No!- Oh, that's such a relief.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Isn't it? Phew. I mean, you, me?
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Phew-ee!
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Anyway, no hard feelings. No feelings at all, luckily, ha-ha!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48And yeah, never touch me again. Ciao, babe!
0:25:48 > 0:25:55Come come, Nelson, you are still blessed with this lovely runt of yours.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Kieran!
0:25:58 > 0:26:02God, our father, you shared him with us for just two short days.
0:26:02 > 0:26:08But we know he's up there with you now, running free in the gardens of heaven.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Pollen count permitting.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15What I still don't get is, why did you have my poop on your coat?
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Beats me.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20I mean, for God's sake, it's not like I sleep with one under my pillow!
0:26:20 > 0:26:25Or freeze them in a little ice cube tray when you go away on holiday!
0:26:25 > 0:26:32- Have I revealed too much? - I am so chuffed, Kali, that you finally let God into your heart.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Heh. Me too! Communion wafer?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Oh. Cheers.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40That's right, eat your Jesus biscuit,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- eat it right up.- Sorry?- Nothing.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- Must plot more quietly.- Huh.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Tastes kinda funny. A bit like...
0:26:48 > 0:26:50baking powder.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51EXPLOSION
0:26:51 > 0:26:54LAUGHS
0:26:54 > 0:26:57What? Just trying to make church more fun. You know, get the kids in.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Amen.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06ALL: Amen.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11- Right. Now can we please just start on the- BLEEP- buffet?
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Fine. Go on, then, Vince.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18FRENZIED GOBBLING
0:27:28 > 0:27:31HE SIGHS
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Who's Paul Ross?