0:00:05 > 0:00:10As you can see, we've gone for an urban theme on this year's Springwatch,
0:00:10 > 0:00:16so that you can enjoy the cool and spectacular wildlife that's surrounding you 365 days a year.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Chris? Chris "The Really Wild Show" Packham?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23It may not be as picturesque as the Cotswolds or the Norfolk Broads...
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Diana in heaven... I'm on bloody Springwatch!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29..apparently we've got a fox in shot already.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Tell me, what's Bill Oddie like?
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Because I've heard he can be a bit difficult. They say that he...
0:00:34 > 0:00:36SQUEAKS AND WHIMPERS
0:00:39 > 0:00:41..and nailed it to her face.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43There he is. Whining away.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Looks like a low-ranking male.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Probably hasn't mated.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Pwobably because he hasn't met the right person.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Speaking of which, Michaela Strachan...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Bit runty, isn't it?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Skanky. Grubby, even.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Grubby! I'm wearing Lynx Africa!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01In fact, can we cut and go again?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Without the fox. It's really annoying.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08Oh! Well, if that's how you want to play it, stick your stupid Springwatch!
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Thank you.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Please may you give this photo collage to Kate Humble? Thank you.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Snubbed! By Springwatch!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Unbe-fricking-lievable!
0:01:29 > 0:01:33- This NEVER would've happened under Bill Oddie!- Uh, don't say that name.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34You know I'm phobic.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Since the incident.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38CAW, CAW
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Oh...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Tim Brooke-Taylor!
0:01:46 > 0:01:52Nelson, they should be on knees BEGGING you to go on their crappy show! You're so talented!
0:01:52 > 0:01:57You're right! I'll show those cameras what I can do. We'll see who's too boring for Springwatch!
0:01:58 > 0:02:03Stupid human prick. Get this, right? I've been with Gary one year today.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04What does he buy me?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07It's like he don't know me AT ALL!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Sorry, Destiny, that is pretty crappy...
0:02:10 > 0:02:11BALL SQUEAKS
0:02:11 > 0:02:13OH, MY GOD! IT SQUEAKS! IT SQUEAKS!
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Ah. A squeaky football.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Absolutely bloody classic!
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Well, I must bounce. I have the date with a very special little lady!
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- Ooo.- This is new. - Yeah, we're taking it slow, Kali.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35- Plus she's still hooked on the old mother's milk. I can't get her away! - Breast-feeding?
0:02:35 > 0:02:40- Sorry, how old is she?- She must be about, what...three, three and a bit weeks.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45- Oh, you disgust me.- That is wrong. - You can't go out with a three-week-old!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- What? What? Why not? - Kitten fiddler!
0:02:47 > 0:02:52- At least wait until she's legal! - I think we all know the age of consent isn't three weeks!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54It's four weeks.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55OK, fine.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Maybe I'll talk to her or something.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Oh, and by the way... congratulations.- What for?
0:03:00 > 0:03:05For winning the 2003 Academy Award for Best Director, Mr Polanski!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Ha, yeah! In your face... Ho! Bo! Shame!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11BALL SQUEAKS
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Hi, I'm Nelson.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I'm actually kind of a special fox.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25And, no, I don't mean special as in...
0:03:26 > 0:03:32I mean talented. For, eg, I'm a bloody good after dinner speaker.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Like, once I was going through Kerry Katona's bottle bin.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I say "bottle bin", more like "bottle bank"!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Oh, oh! Ow! - No, but seriously, folks...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Peter Ebdon! They're bonking!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Pull my tail, you animal!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Oh, please, oh...
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- You dirty woodland creature. - God, put it away!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55The Springwatch cameras don't want to see that!
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- Oh. Foxes shagging on six. - Here comes the BAFTA!
0:04:00 > 0:04:05Anyway...try and soldier on here...this other time,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I was hanging out by Jimmy Carr's recycling bin.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Or to give it's proper name, Michael McIntyre.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12No, come on, seriously...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- Aaargh!- ..And...cut!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Phew, bloody good scene!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Hope I didn't pull your tail too hard, luvvy?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Hang on. Why are you suddenly so posh?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Now, let's get a bit naughty...coffee and a Danish methinks!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And why are you so gay? Oh, my God...you're ACTORS!
0:04:33 > 0:04:38Tug that lead ONE more time and so help me, God, I'll poop in the magazine rack...
0:04:40 > 0:04:46# Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say
0:04:49 > 0:04:52# Take my breath away... #
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- Oh, boy.- Hi.- What is it with bitches and guide dogs?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I'm-I'm Destiny.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Sorry, darling, can't stop.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- I'm on duty.- Oh, course, yeah.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07- You're probably taking him somewhere really important.- Yes, it's his monthly trip to the cemetery.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12But that's the other side of town, so I just take him twice around the park
0:05:12 > 0:05:13and then...
0:05:13 > 0:05:14BARKS
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Mum, it's me again.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18It's all the same to him.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Bless his useless retinas.
0:05:20 > 0:05:26- You can do that?- Perk of the job. I lead, he follows. Wherever I want.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29You're in control...that is amazing!
0:05:29 > 0:05:34Anyway, we've got places to go, and people to see. Well, I have.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39- Next stop, Pet City. - Wait, wait! I want to come!
0:05:39 > 0:05:44- Silly Destiny! You can't go with them.- Screw you, Gary, we're so OVER! You bore me!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You bore me Gary and I'm leaving and I'm never...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49SHE CHOKES
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I talk with my good friend Nelson and he reckons...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Lollipop, are you listening to me?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Sorry! This thing...cannot get enough of it.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07We have to break up!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Until your four week birthday. - But...but...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12but that's ONE WHOLE DAY AWAY!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- I know and I'm sorry! - You said I was special!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- You ARE special!- You told me you loved me!- I DO love you!
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- You touched me!- Yeah. And seriously we can't tell anyone about that.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- I'm not even joking.- Don't you want to lick your little Lollipop?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Oh, God. Oh, God, think unsexy thoughts...
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Er, er, country music.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Nothing sexy about country music. Haha.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Ugly old Billy Ray Cyrus...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38and his daughter Miley.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Oh, GODDAMIT!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42We have to wait until tomorrow.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Oh. You're back early.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46- Who's she?- The cat's mother.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Lollipop, go to your room.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Heh, heh. So, I see where Lollipop gets her looks.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Or where she will get them from eventually...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03And I said, you might be Keyser Soze,
0:07:03 > 0:07:09- but you wouldn't know good theatre if it grabbed your cock in the park! - You just faked it for Springwatch!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- And?- Well, you can't! What would Bill Oddie say?!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14CAW!
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- We're just giving the cameras what they want.- Teeth, tits and tail!
0:07:20 > 0:07:26- I don't believe this!- Plus it's the only way to get the cameras away from the bloody badgers. Vicious bastards.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- CAMPLY:- Tally-ho!
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Oh, not him too.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Just telling this poor devil the truth about Springwatch.- Aha!
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- Well, welcome to the business, luvvy.- Guys...any mascara? Mine's out?
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- My head's spinning... - Try my overnight bag.- Hang on. Does Chris Packham know about this?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Course he doesn't. None of them do...
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Packham, Oddie, Nutkins.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Gullible old knobs.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Oh, almond croissant. Diet starts tomorrow, eh, girls?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54OK, this is unacceptable!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57You might not respect Springwatch, but I do,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01and I want no part of this disgusting, dishonest, grubby little charade!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04That said, I would like an almond croissant.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12So you are saying all animals in Springwatch are upper-class English actors?!
0:08:12 > 0:08:18Yes! And everyone on TV's gay! And obviously we've all heard the rumours about Flipper.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21# They call him Flipper, Flipper... #
0:08:21 > 0:08:25What's that, Flip? You can't get over how lovely and tall Hugh Jackman is?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- HE CLICKS - And such poise?
0:08:27 > 0:08:32HE CLICKS
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Oh, and before you forget, there's been a shark attack and...
0:08:37 > 0:08:40OK, Flip, next time, might want to start with that bit.
0:08:40 > 0:08:46- So I told them...faking stuff is wrong and I want no part of it. - Whoa. What happened?
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Ah, yeah, Lollipop's mum kind of savaged me and blah, blah, blah,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I lost three pints of blood.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56But it's like they say, innit? Cat's got 50 lives!
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- Nine. A cat's got nine lives.- What? When did this happen?!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Damn you, the hung parliament!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07I wonder what he's doing right now. He could be anywhere. Anywhere the wind takes him.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Oh, great. This again.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Destiny, he's just a guide dog.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16And I've guided stuff. Like once I helped a chicken cross the road.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Ah, there we go. Now, then, I will bloody kick myself if I don't ask...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Why DID the chicken cross the road?
0:09:25 > 0:09:30Because there's a black person coming and I'm scared he's going to mug me.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Turns out she was just a casual racist. It's a generational thing.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I could've challenged her, I didn't, it's done.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I don't fancy him or nothing. It's like,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I want to be him. I want to be a guide dog.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44THEY CHUCKLE What?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I could do it! I can do loads of stuff.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Beg, paw. Play dead.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Aaaaargh!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Any idea? No?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00OK, the correct answer was David Carradine.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Now give me the biscuit.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07- I'm going to learn how to be guide dog AND make it back in time for Springwatch.- Ha!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- You don't watch that rubbish, do you?- Er, yeah!
0:10:10 > 0:10:15And, like, I don't usually go for foxes and stuff, but, ah, that guy fox.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Kinda hot. Probably because he's, like, on TV and totally famous and...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- I'd like to be on Springwatch, please.- You'll have to audition.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Back of the queue, please, luvvy.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Hello.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Hi.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Vince!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Didn't think this was your bag.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- I heard a rumour that Springwatch animals get all the best- BLEEP.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Well. That's...very vivid. And have you done much acting?
0:10:40 > 0:10:47- I once did a really massive- BLEEP - on Clive Owen's front lawn, if that counts.- Yeah.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49It probably doesn't.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Lollipop!- I had to see you.- But it is forbidden for us to be together!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01We are like Romeo and Juliet.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- Who's that?- Hmm. Bit old for you. We are like...Ross and Rachel.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- Never heard of them. - Gavin and Stacey?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- Nope.- Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens?
0:11:09 > 0:11:10- No idea.- Eh, forget it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13The important thing is we cannot be together.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Even though it seem CRAZY!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20# The law says today I can't be with you
0:11:20 > 0:11:25# But tomorrow, we can do whatever we want to do
0:11:25 > 0:11:27# I can love you
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Oh, yes!
0:11:27 > 0:11:34# And you can love me
0:11:28 > 0:11:34Thanks to the Sexual Offences Act 2003
0:11:34 > 0:11:37# One day you're a paedo
0:11:37 > 0:11:42# And you're my jailbait
0:11:42 > 0:11:45# Next day you're my sweetheart
0:11:45 > 0:11:50# And it's suddenly legal to mate
0:11:50 > 0:11:54BOTH: # What a difference a day makes
0:11:54 > 0:11:58# Just can't wait till the dawn breaks
0:11:58 > 0:12:01# Right now you can't handle the love of a man
0:12:01 > 0:12:06# But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can
0:12:06 > 0:12:10# What a difference a day makes
0:12:10 > 0:12:13# One day I'm a pervert
0:12:13 > 0:12:17# And I've still got my virginity
0:12:17 > 0:12:24# But in less than 15 hours it's a legal technicality...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Actually, I'm not a virgin!
0:12:26 > 0:12:30# ..What a difference a day makes
0:12:30 > 0:12:34# Then we can legally fornicate
0:12:34 > 0:12:37# I'd never dream of breaking the law today
0:12:37 > 0:12:42# But tomorrow it's my right to do you every which way
0:12:42 > 0:12:46# What a difference a day makes... #
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- Let's elope together! I can be your fiance!- Maybe not.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55# ..What a difference a day makes. #
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I just hope you're still alive tomorrow.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Now you're down to your last seven lives.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07Eight, Kali. Start with nine, Lollipop's mum, that makes eight.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Yeah, but how about that time your first owner taught you to swim?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20OK. Seven. I'm cool with this.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Oh. Oh. Or that time your second owner taught you to drive.
0:13:24 > 0:13:30You know, Derek, you should never leave animal in car with windows closed. Very bad.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Also, the carbon monoxide not so healthy either.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36HE COUGHS
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Oh, wait...the key...
0:13:38 > 0:13:40it's still in the ignition!
0:13:40 > 0:13:41I have idea.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46MUSIC: Theme from "The Archers"
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Six lives. Oh, by Branson's beard, that's nothing.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Stupid useless casting directors.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Wouldn't know proper acting if it- BLEEP- them.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Hello, Vince.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- Did you just call me a- BLEEP?- No.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08LOLLIPOP: Stop!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10He's the Gary to my Stacey!
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Gavin.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14It's Gavin. Ask your mum.
0:14:17 > 0:14:24So, my young prodigy, you wish to learn the ancient art of guide-doggery?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Yes, I mother-fricking do.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31In order to attain the sacred rank of fluorescent vest,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35I must first push you to the very limits of canine endurance.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Please be a montage, please be a montage, please be a montage.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- Let's go to work!- Yay!
0:14:41 > 0:14:45MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger"
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Could you read the top line for me...?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00And now? ..Now? ..And now?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Number one...or number two?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Hold up. Sorry can we...?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15This isn't a training montage, is it?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17It's a trip to the opticians, set to music.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Pretty much. Yeah.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23So basically all I need to be a guide dog...is eyesight.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25How many paws am I holding up?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- One.- Welcome aboard.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Nelson, tell me about yourself.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I'm a very lively performer.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Um, edgy. I'm from the Mel Gibson school of acting.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Interesting. - Yeah. It was.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) - OK. You're in a scene and you forget your lines.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Who's fault is it? - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!- Nelson.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- Is it the Jews?- The Jews. Excellent.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- So, you lose your eyeline... who's to blame?- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And what have you prepared for us today?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Ooh. In honour of the great man,
0:15:57 > 0:16:01I am going to perform a scene from The Passion Of The Christ.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Translated into English.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Ow! Stop it! Argh! Ow, ow, ow! That hurts! Oh, crumbs! Ah! Eww! Oh-oh!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Seriously, where's Judas? I'll bloody kill him! Oh! Bloody hell!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15No, not the hands! Think of my carpentry business...and scene.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Nelson.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Uno momento.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21THEY WHISPER
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Welcome to Springwatch, luvvy!- Bravo.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Get in!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31MUSIC: "Rule The World" by Take That
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Dad, I got the part.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44I didn't have to use the tragic back story in the end, so tell Mum she doesn't need to get cancer.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Hmm?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Ah.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Oh. Ooh, that's bad timing.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53PIANO MUSIC
0:16:53 > 0:16:56CIRCUS MUSIC
0:16:56 > 0:16:59SPRINGWATCH THEME
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Nelson! Man, I'm so frigging proud of you right now!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Come, come - I think we all knew I'd be on TV eventually.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Yeah. It's just some of us just pictured it slightly differently.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Hello and welcome to The Semi-Automatic Surgery with me, Terry Nutkins.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Now, today I'm going to attempt
0:17:19 > 0:17:23some really complicated open-heart surgery on this fox.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25The first thing I've got to do is open him up,
0:17:25 > 0:17:29and when I've done that, I've got to locate the coronary artery.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30When I find the blockage,
0:17:30 > 0:17:36I've got to blast it away with this 9mm Glock gun.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Er...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40OK, any of you bitches blind?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Because I am in the mood for some guiding!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Helen Keller, you did it! Bloody well done, Destiny!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49And now I'm fully qualified I can take Gary wherever I want.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Small problem, dumbass...
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Gary ain't actually blind.- Ah.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- But he could be.- Ah!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- You can't hurt poor Gary! - Oh, what? Says you.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02After that acupuncture session you gave Marion.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Serious, Nelson, it feels MAGICAL!
0:18:08 > 0:18:09HE CHUCKLES
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Amazing thing was, I FOUND these needles.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14And they've only been used once.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Honestly, ha, the things those junkies throw away.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18HE HOWLS
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I make that AIDS o'clock.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Four lives left!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26That means I'm...I'm statistically as likely to die as Boyzone!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Jan Moir!- Ah, you didn't know him.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Six sleek swans swim swiftly southward.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Mixed biscuits, mixed biscuits... - It's you, innit? From Springwatch!
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- Erm, guilty! - Oh, please scent my autograph book!
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Go on, then.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Oh!- And remember, kids...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Nelson says, "Rubber Up!"
0:18:48 > 0:18:53So I'll be stage left, sniffing, sniffing, sniffing. You'll be there, forage-forage, nice flash of tail.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- Then we'll have Nelson enter stage right...- Oh, sounds juicy.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- Then I'll come over and rip his throat out.- What?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Oh, bravo! A live death on national television.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08Packham will LOVE this crap. Cwap.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Then we're agreed, we'll kill the little runt.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12HE GASPS
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- Runt. He said "runt". With an R. - Oh, because I was going to say!
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I mean, I know I can be a bit of a pain at times, but what was the other bit?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23He's going to kill you.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25HE GASPS
0:19:26 > 0:19:31And I figure if I cut out clotted cream, full fat milk and falling out of trees,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I reduce my death-rate by around 2% per annum.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35All this hassle over some stupid girl.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37There's just something different about this one.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Is it the fact that her bones aren't fully formed?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43You shut your filthy whore mouth, Kali.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I'm surprised you're so keen to get into another relationship anyway.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48After what happened on Blind Date.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53Will it be contestant number one, who likes chasing birds?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Contestant number two, who likes afternoon naps?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Or contestant number three,
0:19:58 > 0:20:031970s racist stereotype Mr Lee of the Rubbery Chicken takeaway,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06renowned for its use of suspiciously grey, quite grisly meats?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10You know what, Cilla? I'm going to take a gamble on this one.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I'm totally not safe!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15I need to get indoors, like NOW!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Hey! He's coming! Gary! He's coming!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Oh, God! I don't know what to do. - Go on, blind him!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Do it, do it, do it, do it,
0:20:24 > 0:20:26do it, do it, do it, do it,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it...- Shut up!!!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Destiny?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32ARGH! MY EYES!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33MY EYES ARE BURNING!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Hi, you!- Oh, God, oh, what have you done to me?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I can't SEE!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Talk about the blind leading the blind, ha, ha, ha!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Too soon? It's too soon.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I-I need to go! Get away!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49If they find out I can't see...
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I can't even bring myself to say it!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53What?
0:20:53 > 0:20:59They'll scoop out his insides, laminate him, drill a slot in his head and stand him outside ASDA.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- You mean...? - He'll be a collection box!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Destiny, I have to pass you the baton!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I have to pass you...Rodger.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13What?! No, no, no, no, no! Hang on a second.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Farewell!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Ow!- Oh!- Oof!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Bit of guidance wouldn't hurt!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28It wasn't meant to end like this.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I don't believe it. I don't believe it. Marion! Springwatch is after me!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35They're not loveable, Christopher Biggins, showbiz gays!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- They're evil gays! - No! The very worst kind of gays!
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- Yes! And I was thinking, maybe you could fight them off.- Ah... Yeah.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47Thing is, I'm kind of down to my last three lives and I only need to survive another eight hours
0:21:47 > 0:21:51until I can legally have sex with my three-week-old girlfriend.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Hey, we've all been there, right?
0:21:53 > 0:21:58- Oh. All right, Nobby.- Marion. Nice to see you back on your feet after the old swine-flu episode.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh, no! Ah, sorry! Not here for you.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11Bus crash on the M60. Couple of stragglers still on life-support.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Wow, thank God for that!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Got a little jumpy! - What are you reading? Huh.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Angels And Demons.
0:22:20 > 0:22:26Like, uh, "Hello?" How many people got me that for Christmas?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- HE CHUCKLES - Anyway...
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Oh, sure, rest.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I'll, um... Yeah. See you later.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41Oh, whoops! I'm all fingers and thumbs. Ah! God, I'm so sorry!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43HEART MONITOR FLATLINES
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Guess that's it then. I'll have to leave the bins.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Forever.- You can't!
0:22:48 > 0:22:49But what will you live on?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52My guts. My instincts. My God-given cunning.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Plus the occasional windfall from my premium bonds.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57God they are SO frigging tax efficient!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Goodbye, Marion. Goodbye, den.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02It's been real.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I don't believe it. This day just couldn't get any worse!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Hold up, brain aneurysm.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20God! Blind people are so CLINGY!
0:23:20 > 0:23:25You look good together, though. The helpless, tragically dependent, special needs victim.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30And the blind man. Do you see, like? I was talking about you.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35You thought I was talking about him, but I was actually talking about you! That was the insult.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Oh!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39There must be someone I can...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Bingo. Nelson, look after the old ball and chain.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45But I'm leaving, like now. They're going to kill me!
0:23:45 > 0:23:50But, but, but, my lickle eyes ache and I want a nap and, and, and...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Well. Suppose I can...
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Ciao!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Man, you are so pathetic.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Hello, Nelson.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- HE GASPS - OK, Rodger.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Let's see what you can do.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06He's onto us! After him.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11MUSIC "Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop
0:24:11 > 0:24:14OK, there's a box to your left and...
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Mind the barrier!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Oh, come on, man, pay attention!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28And...step!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Chase sequences. Honestly.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Watch the car door...
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Yeah! OK, now we're getting somewhere.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52CAR HORN
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Guide-dogging. Harder than it looks.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Now then, luvvy. Are you ready for your close-up?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Going live in 30 seconds.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16I'll see you out there, Nelson! And don't worry, I won't bite. Much!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Keep an eye on him, luvvy.- Oh, God!
0:25:19 > 0:25:23I'm going to die live on Springwatch in front of a viewing audience
0:25:23 > 0:25:26of literally dozens of virgins and old people!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Vince!- What do you want?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- You're lucky I don't tear your bollocks off.- What for?!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Taking my part on Springwatch.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37- You Keira Knightley- BLEEP.- Oh!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Actually, why don't you play my part tonight?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Now wait a minute, chaps.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Have you cleared this with the casting director?- Whoa!
0:25:45 > 0:25:50- Did you just call Vince a, er, a- BLEEP?- Pardon my French.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- I didn't say anything! - He did it again!
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Go on, Vincent, go on, really put your back into it. Wonderful stuff.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02And, cue Nelson!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Oi. Get your filthy claws off me.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Hang on. You're not Nelson.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17- Right, you asked for this you - BLEEP- cock garage.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22OK, now that's just homophobic.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Just need to stay alive 30 more seconds
0:26:27 > 0:26:29and then we can do EVERYTHING.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33So. Me a former TV celebrity, you an ex-guide dog.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37We'd make quite the power couple! Like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42- Who?- Nelson. I just got rid of one aggravating moron who followed me around everywhere.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I don't want another!
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- None taken.- 10 seconds! I'm going to die I just KNOW it!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Five...four...
0:26:51 > 0:26:53three...two...
0:26:53 > 0:26:55one...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I survived! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00And there is now grass on the wicket,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03so let us commence to play cricket!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Is it just me, or is that technically legal,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10yet still really very creepy?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Still creepy.- Oh, yeah!
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Anyway... If I ended up with Rodger, RIP,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19whatever happened to the guide dog?
0:27:19 > 0:27:24If I know him, he'll be out there somewhere, running free, just following the wind.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27MUSIC: Theme from Tales Of The Unexpected
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:40 > 0:27:43E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk