0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:07 > 0:00:12- I had hundreds of things to do. You had one thing to remember... - And you're having a go at me?!
0:00:12 > 0:00:14- Exactly!- I've already told you...
0:00:16 > 0:00:17Marion. SPLASH
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Marion! There's a little boy!
0:00:19 > 0:00:21And he's drowning!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23And I need the toilet and I don't want to miss it.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Stay here, tell me what happens.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Destiny! You need to go in and save him!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30- As if! With my fur?! - Well, I can't! I'm a cat.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32I'm scared of water!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Plus I just found a Magnum Classic.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36ENGINE REVS Ooh, speedboat!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38- HE SIGHS - Hold this!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43SPLASH
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Oh! Think I just swallowed a used plaster.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49So, yeah, that's unpleasant. Hey!
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Marion, you dick! He had a hat!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56A hat? OK.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Frankie! Oh, my God, Frankie!
0:01:01 > 0:01:02You...!
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Frankie!
0:01:03 > 0:01:08You saved my baby! Who's a clever girl?!
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Son of bitches!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15# La la la la
0:01:15 > 0:01:18# La la la la la
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# La la la la laaaa. #
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And now I'm up for this Animal Of Courage award!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I'm going to be, like, famous!
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Bravo, Destiny! I always knew you were a ruddy, bloody hero.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35No. I saved that baby!
0:01:35 > 0:01:39She is a liar and a coward and a daughter of a thousand godless acne-ridden whores!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Also she ate my Magnum Classic.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47Face it, you're just jealous because you're a dirty hydrophobic little stray that nobody loves and...
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Shut your vile beak!
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Man, you are too easy to wind up. It's like taking candy
0:01:52 > 0:01:56from a Mr Geoffrey Stafford from Denham in Bucks.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01Nurse! The pigeon stole me KitKat!
0:02:01 > 0:02:05OK, Geoffrey, sleepy tablet time.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09He-he-he-he-he!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Ah. That does feel good, though.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Ah, it's so unfair!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16How about you, Nelson? When was your last stroke?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Hm? Me? Oh. Uh...
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Month. Month ago.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Oh. You never said. Who is this?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Er, no-one from round here. She was...French?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Um, and she had really massive hands.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Bullcrap. You are totally lying.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I'm not. She even let me lick her fingers afterwards.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38OK, then. So what did they taste of?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Baguettes?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Yeah.- Sounds about right. - I can buy that, yeah.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Phew.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Marion, remember 30 seconds ago, I said I'd been stroked
0:02:52 > 0:02:54by a French woman whose fingers tasted of baguettes?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56No, but carry on.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Thing is...I lied.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I'm... I'm kind of...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I've never been stroked.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Jesus Christ! You're a stroke virgin!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Ha-ha-ha!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Not that there's anything weird about that.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- (Ah, so that's what they look like.) - It just never happened for me!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17God knows I wanted it to.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19It's OK. I-I have an idea.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24MUSIC: "Smooth Operator" by Sade
0:03:26 > 0:03:28A circle-stroke?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I'm stroking you, you're stroking me!
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Fine, I'll try it. But you, mister, are wearing protection.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Oh! But I won't feel anything.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Don't care.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Now, stroke me from behind.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44We'll work up to the tummy.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53So...erm...
0:03:53 > 0:03:55going anywhere nice on holiday?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Oh. Well, me and a couple of the guys from the bins near Asda
0:03:58 > 0:04:01are talking about going pony trekking around Ireland,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04though with the euro how it is, God knows...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- Jesus- BLEEP BLEEP- Christ!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Vince! Didn't see you there.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13Well, this has got to be the second-gayest thing I've seen in the last ten days.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16# I want to break free
0:04:18 > 0:04:21# I want to break free
0:04:21 > 0:04:25# I want to break free from your lies
0:04:25 > 0:04:27# You're so self-satisfied... #
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Now...this isn't how it looks.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Out of interest, how does it look? With the shoes?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- BLEEP- a nun, Nelson!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Even I've been stroked!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Oh, you're kidding?! So it's literally just me?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Yeah, it was this sweet old guy.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43He'd put raw chicken out for me, see?
0:04:43 > 0:04:48Then one night, I went round, and he'd forgotten,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- so I kicked his- BLEEP- door in and chewed his- BLEEP- bollocks off.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53VINCE CACKLES
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Wrong anecdote.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Well, you know what?
0:04:58 > 0:04:59I'm going to get stroked...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02by a human! Then you'll see!
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- Anyway, Vincent, how do we help you? - Oh. Just popped round to borrow some sugar.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Also to bury someone.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14Fine! Just try and go a little deeper this time, will you?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Now, this is where I belong!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I mean, this just couldn't get any better!
0:05:30 > 0:05:36And here to present the final award, Mr Jeff Brazier!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38It just got better!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41You know I've always wanted to sniff his groin!
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Settle down, love.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Yes, it's time to award the Animal Of Courage for 2010.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Now for your nominees.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55Lucky, the land-mine dog, who sadly left his legs behind in Iraq.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I can take anything - except another visit from Heather Mills.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Bernie, the house cat,
0:06:00 > 0:06:04whose quick thinking during a chip pan fire saved his owner's life.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06The fat, stupid, drunken bastard.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Bobby, the rabbit,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12who escaped from a research laboratory and just in time.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:06:17 > 0:06:21And Destiny, who so famously saved a little toddler's life.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23And the winner is...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25DRUM ROLL
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- Destiny!- Oh, my God, I don't believe it!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Excitable little one, isn't she?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Excitable? OK, Jeff, I'll show you excitable.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43DESTINY SNIFFS
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Mmm! The sweet smell of success!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Excuse me, mate. Fancy a stroke?
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Ooh!
0:06:58 > 0:07:02I'm sorry! I thought you were up for it!
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I misread the signs!
0:07:03 > 0:07:08OK, are you by any chance cottaging for a stroke?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Kali, shush! You'll frighten off the punters!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Listen, I'm only telling you this
0:07:12 > 0:07:16because you look so pathetic right now it makes me want to physically...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Hold up.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26There's a petting zoo two miles due east. It's crawling with strokers.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Oh! Oh, well, maybe I'll check it out. Cheers, Kali.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32The two-faced devil-slut!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I should be one with nose up groin of C-list reality television star
0:07:35 > 0:07:40- and occasional ITV2 presenter! - Quick question, Marion - have you been drinking?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42No! I never touch the drink no more!
0:07:42 > 0:07:47Not since what happened with... with George Best!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- MARION YAWNS - Uh-oh.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56- HE SNORES - You know, I can't believe I actually made you wear the shirt.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59That's just...degrading.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Now, Destiny, she all over TV, winning the big award!
0:08:04 > 0:08:09- I swear on my mother's teeth, I will prove- I- am the real hero!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Hold up, hold up. He's back. Is he looking, is he looking?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Er...
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Bearing in mind birds have a 360-degree field of vision.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- Oh, in that case, definitely.- Oh, yes! I always wanted to date a crow.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Ooh, the darker meats...
0:08:24 > 0:08:27My dad'll go mad. He went mental when I was emailing Gary Wilmot.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32But you are from totally different background! It's like the Jew dating the Arab!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Jews and Arabs can get along. It's not like the Jews and the badgers.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41If your heart wills it, be brave,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44like I was on that fateful morning in the waters.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Walk up to the crow, grab him, kiss him.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Marion! Are you suggesting I force myself on him like some sexual predator?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- No!- Right, well, could you?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56If it all goes to the wall, I'll need an accessory before the fact.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03MUSIC: "Bright Eyes" by Art Garfunkel
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Ah...
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Hello!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Hello. Hi.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Morning!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Lovely day for a stroke!
0:09:19 > 0:09:24Hm. Previous chap must be on holiday or something. Oh, well.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27# Bright eyes
0:09:27 > 0:09:30# Burning like fire
0:09:32 > 0:09:35# Bright eyes
0:09:35 > 0:09:38# How can you close and fail? #
0:09:38 > 0:09:41You got your own place?!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Ah, it was a freebie, perk of being a celeb.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Remember Leon Jackson? Won X Factor in '07?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- He lives in one.- Amazing.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- Wow!- Oh, Marion! You'll never guess who sniffed my arse at the awards last night!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Todd Carty? - The original Andrex puppy!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- You're kidding!- Yeah.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Turns out he's a total prick.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01It's like Nelson said - never meet your idols.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05That's the fascinating thing, Mr Nelson, there's no evidence.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- HE LAUGHS - Right.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Six million dead, not a single gas chamber.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I've got some literature back at my...
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Really, Basil, I should probably be... Ooh, a grey heron...
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Anyway, I am here to publicly challenge you
0:10:19 > 0:10:23to swimming competition to prove I am real hero.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24What's this? What's this?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Marion...you big idiot! Have you been drinking again?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30No! I never touch the demon drink!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Not since what happened with Oliver Reed!
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- What happened?- He got cirrhosis of the liver and he died.- Right.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39So, come, deceitful hell-slag... let us swim!
0:10:39 > 0:10:43SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Just this way.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46OK, OK! You saved the boy. In fact, have my award.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47- Really?- Yeah, sure.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51I mean, after all, you do totally deserve it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Ow! Destiny! Ugh!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58God...I totally didn't see this coming.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Oh, God. I think you just...detached...my...my retina.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Oh, man, there was really no need for that to go on so long. Oh!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Oh, no! And now you're doing it some more. This is...
0:11:13 > 0:11:17# ..Though my pocket may be empty
0:11:17 > 0:11:21# I'd be a millionaire
0:11:23 > 0:11:28# My clothes may still be torn and tattered... #
0:11:28 > 0:11:33Hello there, sir, would you be at all interested in stroking a fox?
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Madam, my name's Nelson. Wonder if you could just spare a... No?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Stroke a fox - win a speedboat!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Oh, it's pointless.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Maybe I'm just not special enough.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Hello. Who's this?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Oh, my God!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52You...you're going to touch me now, aren't you?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54SNIFFS
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Oh, God! Elderflower hand lotion!
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Oh, yeah... Oh...Oh, right through the fur... Yeah. Mmm...
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Mmm...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Oh, you know I like it behind the ears.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10The tummy, the tummy, the tummy...!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12The tummy! The tummy!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14The tummy! The tummy! The tum!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Oh...!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Phwah-hoo...
0:12:22 > 0:12:27- I did it. I finally did it! - CLEARS THROAT
0:12:27 > 0:12:33Now, er, sweetheart, why don't we just grab a mocha, take in a matinee?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I hear the new production of Joseph is pret...
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Oh. Something I said?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Call me!
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Look, this is, like, probably going to come out all wrong and that,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52but I don't care, cos you're, like, the fittest...
0:12:52 > 0:12:53No, let me finish.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55See, I think you're proper buff
0:12:55 > 0:12:59and I can't stop thinking about you and... Oh, what the hell.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05So, anyway... Yeah, you can speak.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08You do realise I'm a girl?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Oh, my God, no!
0:13:10 > 0:13:11I did not realise that.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15So, yeah, yeah, that's your basic accidental lesbianism right there.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Hey, it happens.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19You know, fashion's so androgynous these days,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21plus us members of the bird family...
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- like, no visible genitals.- Yeah! Which really doesn't help.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Yeah... Look, um, I know a little birdbath around the corner.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Fancy a drink?
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- Just as mates?- Sure, mates.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Ooh.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Uh...so, like, yeah, if you could just do it a little softer, that would be...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Ow! Ow! Fur...trapped in watchstrap!
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Don't move. I'll see if I can, um...Argh!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Oh, great(!)
0:13:54 > 0:13:57He got Wotsits on me!
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Well, I think that's about all the stroking this fox can take for one day.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Oh, no!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Oh, God, no!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Oh, guys! Thank God you're here.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- Um, I need you to let me out. - Hi, Nelson.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- Bye, Nelson!- What?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17What are you doing? You can't just leave us here!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I can do anything I want.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I'm the dog they're already calling the 21st-century Lassie!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- BARK - What's that, girl?
0:14:24 > 0:14:29Timmy's accidentally reset his 80GB iPod Classic to factory settings
0:14:29 > 0:14:31and lost his entire back catalogue
0:14:31 > 0:14:33of unreleased Pink Floyd studio tracks?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34BARK
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- To the barn. I'll get my FireWire cable! - BARK
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Ciao!- Destiny, wait!
0:14:41 > 0:14:47Where am I? Crap on walls, scent of dying animals...
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Christ Jesus, it's a Premier Inn!
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I demand to speak to Lenny Henry!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Brilliant, Marion - big help(!)
0:14:56 > 0:14:59MUSIC: "Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry
0:14:59 > 0:15:04# This was never the way I planned... #
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Anyway, let me introduce you to everyone. This is Guy and Harvey.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09Nice to meet you.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- All right.- All right.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Sally and Nadine.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13- Hi.- Hey.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Andy and Quentin.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15- Hello.- How do?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- And Penny and Vicky.- Evenin'.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Would it be fair to say that you've brought me to a gay, lesbian and transgender birdbath?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Yes. Yes, that would be fair.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Actually, we thought we might all get in.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Wash together.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Why not? We're all birds!
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Woo-hoo! Jump in! Come on!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Look, no offence, yeah, but I don't bat for the other team.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Not that I've been in to bat for a while.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40But just cos you're not getting picked,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- don't mean you should switch sides! - CHUCKLES
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Oh, it is warm!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56RATTLING
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Anyone! Please!
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- I'm not supposed to be here! - Come, come, this could be worse.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06We are stroked day in, day out, whether we consent to it or not! How could it be any worse?!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Well, we could literally be being forced into having sex with people.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Oh, that's right, you just blow the whole subtext.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15So...the fox got himself in too deep, did he?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Oh. Hello.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Well, you're in a petting zoo now, sonny.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24And it ain't all sunshine and picnics.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Apart from in the designated picnicking areas.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Crikey.- That's why I drink.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33To dull the stroking sensation.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- LAUGHS NERVOUSLY - Marion, we need to get out of here!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Relax. I have an idea.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46We distract the zookeeper with...
0:16:46 > 0:16:47wiggly string!
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Yes. Except that only really works on... Marion.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53MARION CHUCKLES
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Marion? - MARION CHUCKLES
0:16:55 > 0:16:56- Marion. - MARION CHUCKLES
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Marion. Marion. - MARION CHUCKLES
0:16:58 > 0:16:59- Marion. - MARION CHUCKLES
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- Marion. Marion. - MARION CHUCKLES
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Marion.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- MARION CHUCKLES - Marion...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Marion. - MARION CHUCKLES
0:17:09 > 0:17:10- Marion. - MARION CHUCKLES
0:17:10 > 0:17:11- Marion.- Yes, mate?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Oh, forget it, I'll do it myself.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I'll see the sun set over those bins if it's the last... Marion...
0:17:17 > 0:17:18MARION CHUCKLES
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I'm here in London
0:17:22 > 0:17:27on the sunny banks of the Thames to meet a very special girl.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29So, Gary, tell us about your Destiny.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33OMFG. I'm breaking America!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35She's surprised us all, to be honest.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Ever since it happened, it's all gone off.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39We've even had Hollywood on the phone.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41DESTINY GASPS A movie!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Does anyone else just feel like peeing everywhere?!
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Just me?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Well, we've actually got a little surprise for you.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Yes, he's here today, the little boy you saved!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Bring him out. It's Frankie!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Frankie! Where are you?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Oh, my God.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- Oh, my God - he's in the water! - Someone go in after him! Go in! Go in!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I can't! I can't swim!
0:18:08 > 0:18:09- Well, I can't!- MAN:- Me neither.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Uh, yeah...
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Thing is, right...kind of waiting for my breakfast to go down
0:18:17 > 0:18:19and, er...
0:18:19 > 0:18:21SPEEDBOAT REVS
0:18:21 > 0:18:22SIREN WAILS
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Wonder if I'm still doing Loose Women.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Bad girl! Very bad girl!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Probably not.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36MUSIC: "Letter Duet" from The Marriage Of Figaro by Mozart
0:19:02 > 0:19:05MORGAN FREEMAN VOICE: It took Andy Dufresne damn near 20 years
0:19:05 > 0:19:09to tunnel out of the Shawshank Penitentiary.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12That was in the film, The Shawshank Redemption.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Nelson the fox gave up after just six minutes.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Ugh, no, that actually does hurt my wrist a bit.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24I mean, God, it's just a toddler, you know. They'll get over it.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Yeah.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Course, you have seen that...?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Uh? Oh, my days! And they've left a dog crap on the...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33No, hold on, that's one of mine.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Oh, the fickle finger of fame.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39At this rate, you'll be less popular than the dog who ruined the last two Matrix films.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41What? There wasn't a dog.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Well, not IN them, no.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Blah, blah, blahdy, blah, blah, blah - finished!
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Hold up...
0:19:49 > 0:19:50you look different.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- Have you had a bath or something?- No!
0:19:53 > 0:19:57What?! No way! Why would I...? And even if I had, you killed a toddler!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Oh, oh...good.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Kali, just hear me out. See, ever since we kissed...
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Hold up, hold up...lesbianism?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10OK, OK, you try telling a male crow from a female one!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14It's like playing Spot The Belgian at an international incest convention.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18The point is, I think you'd make a really excellent lesbian.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Oh.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Right, well, cheers.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25And think of the benefits. For one, you'd make a lot of new friends.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:29 > 0:20:33# If you're uncomfortable with coming out
0:20:33 > 0:20:35# Just listen to what I says-bian
0:20:35 > 0:20:38# Whatever anyone thinks of gays
0:20:38 > 0:20:40# Everyone loves a lesbian
0:20:40 > 0:20:43# Everybody loves a lesbian, honey
0:20:43 > 0:20:45# Norton's passe, Ellen's funny
0:20:45 > 0:20:47# Let those Baptists think what they like
0:20:47 > 0:20:50# There's nothing No, nothing quite like a dyke
0:20:54 > 0:20:56# It's so wrong when you see boys kissing
0:20:56 > 0:20:59# But girl on girl See what you're missing
0:20:59 > 0:21:01# Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic
0:21:01 > 0:21:04# Till she rode Sam Ronson and came out Sapphic
0:21:04 > 0:21:06# Everybody loves a lesbian, baby
0:21:06 > 0:21:08# You'll shout "Yes!" during sex not "Maybe!"
0:21:08 > 0:21:11# Camp is cliche Lezzers have class
0:21:11 > 0:21:14# You'll never find us cottaging for George Michael's ass
0:21:17 > 0:21:20# So what if our haircuts make us all look the same
0:21:20 > 0:21:22# At least we don't give the Catholic Church a bad name
0:21:22 > 0:21:24# No gay looks great in a girly frock
0:21:24 > 0:21:28# All ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock... #
0:21:38 > 0:21:40One more time!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42# Everybody loves a lesbian, baby
0:21:42 > 0:21:44# A muff-diving, rough-driving Car-fixing lady
0:21:44 > 0:21:47# Come on out Join us in heaven
0:21:47 > 0:21:51# We'll soon be eating brunch off Pam St Clement! #
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Woo-hoo!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Hmm. Could I be the butch one?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59If you like.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Still no.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02COCK CROWS
0:22:02 > 0:22:05COUGHS
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Ah, blessed are we to be alive this morning!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Big man, how you sleeping?
0:22:10 > 0:22:15I was cold, I was hungry, I didn't have a reading lamp,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, a predator got in!
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh...
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh...
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Yeah, OK, I've got my own cat at home - Cindy.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34But somehow we don't seem to connect any more.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Oh, you're quite soft under there, aren't you?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42You think that's bad. Wait till this afternoon.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43What happens this afternoon?
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Annual visit of Church Brampton CP Primary School.
0:22:47 > 0:22:5130 hungry-handed, snot-fingered, little eight-year-olds.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52And they all stroke at once!
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- NELSON GASPS - I'm going to get gang-stroked?!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Oh...!
0:22:58 > 0:23:05- A-ha! So you have finally come to apologise for taking credit for my act of bravery.- As if!
0:23:05 > 0:23:10- It's cos no-one else'll talk to me. - I did notice you were going through a slight image problem.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13I've lost my endorsements! They cancelled my movie!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16And today I was reduced to degrading myself on film
0:23:16 > 0:23:18in the worst way imaginable!
0:23:18 > 0:23:23Chicken Tikka Popcorn - only £1 at Iceland!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Destiny, there is a way to show the world you're a hero.- Hm?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- Help us escape!- Nah. That sounds quite difficult.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35Huh! Why not just get someone else to do it and take all the credit?
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Hmm? Hmm?!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Yeah...yeah, I could do that.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43What? No! I was being... Did you...? I went, "Hm?" Did you not get...? Oh...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Target is urban fox,
0:23:47 > 0:23:51reddish hair, approximately two foot four, answers to "Nelson".
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Also "The Divine Miss Vulpine".
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Animals Of Courage, do we know our battle plan?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Bernie?- I get us in the gate.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- Bobby? - I...take...out...the...alarms.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03- Vince?- I get the guard, right,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- and I- BLEEP- him up, like proper beat the- BLEEP- out of him,
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- then, right, I get my- BLEEP - and I ram it down his throat -
0:24:11 > 0:24:16- see how he likes being- BLEEP - like a Spanish choirboy!
0:24:16 > 0:24:20OK, slight embellishment there, Vince, but I'll let it slide.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- And I'll do the packed lunches! - Excellent! Everyone...paws in!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Animals Of Courage are...
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- ALL SHOUT AT ONCE:- Go!- Ready! - Cool!- Mwoo!- (BLEEP!)
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Might need to work on that.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36MUSIC: "Underdog" by Kasabian
0:24:46 > 0:24:48# Kill me if you dare
0:24:48 > 0:24:51# Hold my head up everywhere
0:24:51 > 0:24:55# Keep myself right on this train
0:24:55 > 0:24:58# I'm the underdog
0:24:58 > 0:25:00# Live my life on a lullaby
0:25:00 > 0:25:05# Keep myself riding on this train
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# Keep myself riding on this train! #
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- Stairs. Bugger.- Oh, God! What do we do?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Only thing you can do - go on without me.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17No! No animals left behind.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Hold up - where's Bobby?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- Who? Oh, what, you mean the big twitchy- BLEEP?
0:25:22 > 0:25:27- Oh, I say!- Um, Vince, apparently they prefer the word "retard".
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Eh? Oh, how very quaint.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Destiny!- Bernie!
0:25:32 > 0:25:33- Ow!- Go after him!
0:25:33 > 0:25:37- You just knocked a scab off! - Destiny, rolling forward here.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Destiny, I hope you remembered to pack my Scotch egg.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41TOOTING
0:25:41 > 0:25:43SPLAT! Oh, for crying out loud!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46You Animals Of Courage are just too...disabled!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Oi! You can't say that!
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Yeah! I'm not disabled - I'm disfigured.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- He's disabled. - Who are you calling a- BLEEP?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57No-one.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I know. I just felt a bit left out.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02SHOUTING
0:26:02 > 0:26:07OK, so who wants their sandwich now?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I can hear them.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17GIGGLING
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- It's started.- Ice-cream weather too.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Trust me, you'll never feel clean again.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Oh, God...oh, God...oh, God...
0:26:29 > 0:26:32To be honest with you... quite looking forward to it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36OK. OK, you son of a bitch eight-year-olds...
0:26:36 > 0:26:37take me!
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- Destiny!- Go! Get out! I'll hold them off!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Oh, she done it again! Those strokes were mine!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- But your fur!- Just go!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Wait! Creepy Morgan Freeman lamb! Come with us!
0:26:49 > 0:26:55I can't. Sure, this petting zoo might be hell, being stroked,
0:26:55 > 0:27:01petted and prodded all day every day, but goddamn it, it's my hell and...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- OK, bye!- Ow, ow, ah, ah!
0:27:07 > 0:27:12And, Destiny, I think you've proved beyond any doubt that you are indeed a hero.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Oh, cheers.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Unfortunately, in the eyes of the public,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19saving a fox from a petting zoo doesn't quite make up
0:27:19 > 0:27:21for letting a four-year-old drown on television.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Yeah. I did notice that.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- OK, this going to be good. - What is?
0:27:27 > 0:27:31I'm being stalked by a really friendly, quite persuasive lesbian.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35But I got to thinking...what is the best way to scare a lesbian crow?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Ooh! A scarecrow?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40That's right. A scarecrow. With a penis.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47Kali, I've put together a PowerPoint on the financial benefits of lesbian...
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Oh, Lord! Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:27:50 > 0:27:53What is that thing?! Argh!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- Simple. But effective.- Wow.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Can't believe that actually worked. Eh, Marion?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Marion?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- Marion? - MARION CHUCKLES
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Marion?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08- Marion? Marion...? - MARION CHUCKLES
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:24 > 0:28:27E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Marion?