0:00:06 > 0:00:08DRAMATIC SOUNDTRACK MUSIC
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Well. Here we are, then.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Two of us.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Alone.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27At last.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Just you. And me.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31On our own.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Together.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Finally.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Look, is you going to bang me one or not?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- OK.- Right.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Huh? I'm stuck!
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Tar trap!
0:00:45 > 0:00:46HE STRAINS
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Won't come off! I'm...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51I'm going to have to chew through me own leg.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55HE GRUNTS AND GROANS
0:00:55 > 0:00:57So, this is killing the mood.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59And what's with the red dot?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Oh...
0:01:01 > 0:01:02MAN SHOUTS: Pigeon cull!
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Oh, my God! I'm trapped! GUNSHOTS
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Now I'm probably going to miss Ross Kemp On Gangs,
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- which pretty much sucks. - Argh!- Nige!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- Nige!- Argh!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13NIGE!
0:01:13 > 0:01:17HAVE YOU GOT SKY+?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# La la la la
0:01:20 > 0:01:23# La la la la la
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# La la la la laaaa. #
0:01:26 > 0:01:29By Satan's thumbs, Kali!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Pigeon culling?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I'll get my revenge on humankind.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Believe!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Oh, what are you going to do? Crap on someone's bonnet?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Destiny, I don't crap on bonnets no more.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I tend to aim for the visor.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47In all my years of presenting Top Gear, I have never known anything like this!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50That's bird crap! Uh, can't see! Oh, it's happening again...
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Mission accomplished.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55That was Clarkson, right?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Well, I'm going to do me a little human culling.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I'm going to cull them all!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04So here's the thing. I've got my French pen friend,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Christian the Parisian intellectual, coming to stay,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and I was wondering if anyone could recommend
0:02:09 > 0:02:12a reasonably-priced fish restaurant in the South Bank area
0:02:12 > 0:02:16that has a decent wine list, a good range of vegetarian options
0:02:16 > 0:02:19and, most importantly of all, caters for wild foxes?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- HE SIGHS - Little Chef it is.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Ah, the famous French pen friend!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I hope you have stocked up on the snails and the frogs' legs!
0:02:30 > 0:02:35Marion, Marion, Marion, you do know not everyone in France wanders around
0:02:35 > 0:02:38in a beret and a stripy top with a string of onions and a baguette?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Of course I knew that!
0:02:40 > 0:02:41I did not know that.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Well, while you're mincing around London like some lame tourist,
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I'm going to get rich. Cos, get this,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I only found a treasure map while I was digging up the flower beds!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You heard, a freaking treasure map!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56So, anyway, that's what I'm going to be doing this...
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Walkies!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Looks like she changed her mind, then.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Shame. Sounded like a fun storyline.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09SHE STRAINS
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Go on, Destiny, love, do your business.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Gary, I'm taking a crap,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16not concluding a trade agreement with the Chinese.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Whoa, hello, good-looking...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21MUSIC: "I've Got You Under My Skin" by Frank Sinatra
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Oh, God, he's coming over!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Gary, get the little bag ready.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I'm begging you! Don't just leave it lying there!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Sorry to bother you. Afghan, right?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Mmm? Oh, yes! Yes, I am.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Small world! Don't see many Afghans around here.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43Well. Probably because we're like a rare and unique and refined breed.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Man alive, what a belter!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48That is a real double-bagger!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50SHE SIGHS
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Classy, Gary. Ve-e-e-e-ry classy.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00And how was it getting through the tunnel?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, it was...
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Oh, how you say, er...um...ah...
0:04:06 > 0:04:11Um...ah... Hmm. Ah.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Er...oh...er...
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Fine.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Good. Well, here we are.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- The old bachelor's lair. - Jacques Chirac!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I have exact same lamp shades at home!
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Bugger me bandy with a bloody banjo! What are the chances of that?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33The chances of this, they are, how you say, er...
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Ah...er...er...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Oh...hmm...eh...
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Um...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Oh...er...oh...
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Oh...mmm...er...mmm...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49quite small.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50OK. Can't see THAT getting annoying.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55Probleme! I forgot my toothbrush. It must be still,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57how you say, er...um...
0:04:57 > 0:05:01At home, shall we say? For now? Hmm?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Not to worry, there's "un Superdrug" just over the...
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I use yours.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Oh. How very Continental.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Well, Nelson, mon ami, I am sure you will show me
0:05:12 > 0:05:14the perfect London weekend.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Oh, the only slight buggeration is, bad news re We Will Rock You.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Afraid it's a no.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- Quoi?- I tried everywhere,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28box office, eBay, scalpers, I even contacted Ben Elton's agent.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Lovely man. Very chatty.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32He was happy just to talk. To anyone.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34About anything. For any length of...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Merde! Merde! Merde!
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Argh! Merde! Merde! Merde!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43CRASHING Merde!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45He has taken this quite badly.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Ooh, spice rack!- Merde!
0:05:50 > 0:05:51HE CHUCKLES
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Go on, then, spill the beans. What's your pedigree name?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Oh, embarrassing!
0:05:57 > 0:06:04- Well, apparently I'm Princess Madame Majesty Magical Melody Moonbeam (Kenny Loggins) IV.- Sorry,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06did you just say Kenny Loggins?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Yeah, my dad was kind of a fan.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13# Highway to the danger zone... #
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Look, I don't mean to be forward.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I'm an Afghan, you're an Afghan.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22We could always "slip the lead", if you know what I mean.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Not really.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25What I'm trying to say is, Destiny,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28right now I'd like to take you behind that bus shelter
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and make low-down, dirty, four-legged love to you.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35I want to freak you. I want to freak you crazy.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I want to freak you in every conceivable position that one dog
0:06:38 > 0:06:39can freak another dog.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43By which I mean...from behind.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Take me!
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Nelson, you know this lovely French pen-friend of yours from France?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Oh, yes?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59You haven't noticed anything weird about him?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Like for, eg, slight mood swings?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Bonjour, Nelson!- Oh! Hi, Christian.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Eat my milk pan!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10What's your point, Marion?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I was thinking, like, maybe, he might have...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Well, rabies.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18You and your bloody racism! You know, just because he's French
0:07:18 > 0:07:22and he came over here through the tunnel and he's a tiny bit over-expressive...
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Take me the open-top bus tour now,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28or I will crap on your stupid face!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30..does not mean he's got bloody rabies!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I mean, that is such an old stereotype!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35For goodness' sake, not every animal from the Continent
0:07:35 > 0:07:37is a filthy, dirty, disease-spreading...
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Oh, no. My mistake.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Vive la France!
0:07:47 > 0:07:51MUSIC: "Je T'Aime...Moi Non Plus" by Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Destiny!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58It's me, Sharon. You know, from doggie yoga.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02MUSIC CONTINUES
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Gary, what's...? - SHE GASPS
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- You! - MUSIC STOPS
0:08:32 > 0:08:33You're a man-whore!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Well, we prefer the term "stud dog", but, you know, semantics.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Ugh! Get off me!
0:08:39 > 0:08:40MUSIC RESUMES
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Right, so, technically I'm still on the clock
0:08:43 > 0:08:45for the next seven minutes. Anyone?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47YIPPING
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Hi.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Stupid twat Gary!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58He thinks he can use me for breeding like some kind of rent-a-womb?!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Oh, like I'm going to let him choose the daddy of my pups!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Right, obvious what you need to do, innit?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06You need to see how Gary likes it
0:09:06 > 0:09:10when he's the one getting set up with a prostitute.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11PANTING AND GRUNTING
0:09:11 > 0:09:13BED SPRINGS SQUEAK
0:09:15 > 0:09:19OK, quite a lot, I'd say. Because, God, he really is enjoying that!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Yeah, nice one, knob.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Argh, I've got to find a way out of this!
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- While I've got you, you know that worldwide human cull I was planning?- Oh, yeah?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Well, I've been through and costed it all up.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Turns out it's quite expensive
0:09:31 > 0:09:34to undertake the mass genocide of six billion people.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I mean, I'm going to need 15 grand just for photocopying.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39No, Kali, I am not interested in sponsoring you.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Fine. I guess I'll have to just find some other way...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Whoa!- OK, now play fair, Gary,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47she's a prostitute, not a toilet.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Merde! Merde! Merde!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53There must something in here on the social etiquette
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- of dealing with a rabid house guest...- Merde! Argh! Merde! Merde!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Nelson, I know he is your friend.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I think it is time to ejaculate him from your premises.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I can't! If he gets out and spreads his rabies,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07they'll burn every animal within ten miles!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09We've got to keep him in this den.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11And by any means necessary.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15On my unborn first-born child, Nelson, you mean...
0:10:15 > 0:10:17DRAMATIC MUSIC STING
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, er... Hat stand? No.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Um, er...umbrella stand? No.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Er...coat stand!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Mountain bike! Sauna! Wales!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Portcullis! Ketchup! Rodeo! Gloves! Laminate flooring! Mail fraud!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Toyota Avensis! Anguish!
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- Steve Jobs!- NO! It's microwave oven, you moron!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Voila!- Oh, yes, of course it is.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Screw you, Nelson.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I am going to Buckingham Palace to see the Changing of the Guard.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47No! It's, er... It's raining out.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49And I was thinking, if you're up for it,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52cheeky sesh of Victorian parlour games?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Blind Man's Buff?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Oh! Ou est la?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00You win! Now, Hunt the Slipper.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- Here it is!- You win!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Fizzy Fizzy Fizz Pig?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08CLOCK TICKS
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Fizzy, fizzy, fizzy, fizzy, fizzy, fizzy pig.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15You win! Dirty Pillows?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You win! Pin the Consumptive Hankie on the Match Girl?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23COUGHS
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Enough! I cannot play another Victorian parlour game!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31OK, all right, all right, calm down.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Baby's Got the Pox? - Maybe a quick one.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37You win!
0:11:37 > 0:11:42No, no, I failed to break the baby's head open.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You beat me!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Oh. So I did.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Nelson, you fool!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Have you not seen Star Wars?
0:11:49 > 0:11:54You must always let the Wookiee win, always. Literally always!
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Thank you again for supporting this Cancer Awareness meat raffle.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03And the winner of these lovely gammon steaks is...
0:12:04 > 0:12:07587!
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Oh, it's me! It's...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10ROARING AND SCREAMING
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Pass me the ham hock, quickly!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17CRASHING AND SQUEALING
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh, my God!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22CHOKING
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Argh...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Au revoir.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29He's... He's dead!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31We contained it!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33So, what you want I do with his things?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Things?- His suitcase, his beret, his bicycle clips, his toothbrush.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41That's not his toothbrush, it's mine. He used it, I shared it with him...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Magic Johnson! I think I've got rabies!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You can't make me have sex with some dog!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53No! Not the car!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Please, you monster! Anything but the...!
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Note to self, quite like the car, actually.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Why are we stopping?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06No! Don't take me out of the car!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Please, you monster!
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Wait here while Daddy gets some fags.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14- SHE WHINES - Someone! Please! Help me!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Right, just the fox. Time for a quick PowerPoint?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Not now, Kali. I've got a doctor's appointment in, like...- Excellent!
0:13:24 > 0:13:25THUNDER
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- BOOMING MALE VOICE: - 'Ever since the dawn of history,
0:13:28 > 0:13:33'Mankind has ridden roughshod over his pigeon brethren...'
0:13:33 > 0:13:38- Yeah, not sure how historically accurate any of this is.- Shh!
0:13:38 > 0:13:43'..until the day one brave pigeon started her fight-back against humankind.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44'Her solution?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47'To create an all-new hybrid beast.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49'A pigeon with paws, a fox with wings...
0:13:49 > 0:13:53'behold the Pigeox!'
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Right, can you just imagine the theme from 2001 in your head during this bit?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Only I'm having a job getting the licensing rights.
0:14:00 > 0:14:06'"But how can we create such a magnificent creature?", I hear you cry.'
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I hear you cry!
0:14:10 > 0:14:14OK, you need to start buying into the presentation, or this next bit won't work.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- RESIGNEDLY: - How can we create such a...
0:14:16 > 0:14:18BOTH: ..magnificent creature?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I hear you cry, thank you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23MUSIC PLAYS:
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- HE GAGS - I just burped, and a bit of sick came out.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28'The Pigeox.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31'Truly the beast of tomorrow!'
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Well, that's the foreplay out the way, let's mate!
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Kali, for God's sake!
0:14:36 > 0:14:41I'm not about to father some kind of grotesque pigeon-fox mutant baby!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Give me one good reason. - I'll give you ten!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Starting with childcare.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- Mmm?- Who's going to look after the little one while we're scavenging?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Then education, because I don't think there's a decent comprehensive in miles...
0:14:52 > 0:14:53You know what?
0:14:53 > 0:14:58- Maybe I'll just try someone else. - Don't even get me started on pollution, knife crime,
0:14:58 > 0:15:03the uncertain global financial climate, pollution. Wait, already said that.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Has she been left? Oh, my God, what if she gets heatstroke?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Oh, exactly! Smash the window! Hot!
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Very hot. Seriously, I am sweating like a Colombian sniffer dog!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21No offence, Juan Carlo.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Hey, none taken. We're a notoriously sweaty people.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Nah, she'll be fine.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29No, not fine! Hot!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant,
0:15:31 > 0:15:35pant, pant, break the fricking window, pant, pant, pant... Fine!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38But I'll remember this when you're trapped inside a car,
0:15:38 > 0:15:42and someone's about to force you to have sex with a pedigree sex-dog
0:15:42 > 0:15:43who sounds a bit like Nigel Havers!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Seems unlikely now, I'll grant you.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Oh, now, there's a thing.
0:15:50 > 0:15:56Right. Rabies. Let's talk symptoms. Sad? Depressed? Angry?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Well, I suppose I did get a little hot under the collar
0:15:59 > 0:16:01with the wireless this afternoon.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03'Welcome to The Scott Mills Show.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06'That's Pixie Lott there with a very unique tune...'
0:16:06 > 0:16:09You can't have "very unique", Scott. It's unique or it isn't.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12'Coming up, we've got the ultimate Radio 1 competition.'
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Ultimate? Oh, so it's the last competition Radio 1 will ever run, is it, Scott?
0:16:16 > 0:16:17'I bet you're chomping at the bit.'
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Champing. It's champing. Champing!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Champing, champing, champing,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24champing, champing, champing, champing!
0:16:24 > 0:16:28It's exactly five o'clock. Over to Mark for the news and weather.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Champing, champing, champing, champing...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Which is just unlike me, to be honest.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Right, in terms of checking you out for rabies, it's perfectly straightforward.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40We simply take this sample of your blood
0:16:40 > 0:16:43and inject it into this medical guinea pig.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Oh! Crikey! Hello.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Don't talk to him, please. It humanises him.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Let me go, I beg you! I'm an animal too!
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Now, once we see how he reacts, we'll have an idea whether you're infected or not.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57My name's Paul! I've got children!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I'm halfway through my Duke of Edinburgh award!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- Sorry, is this ethical? - Oh, it's fine.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Right, I'll just quickly and effortlessly transfer
0:17:04 > 0:17:09the blood into this syringe, find a vein and perform the injection.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- All done.- I feel...
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I feel fine! I'm going to live!
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Long enough to realise my dream of opening my own bakery...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- Ah! - PANTS
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Ah! Water!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Ah! Water!
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Ah! Water!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Ah! Water!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46HE CHOKES
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Ah! Water!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51And we'll send out the results in the post. All right?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Ah! Water!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Can't get my head around it. I'm...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I'm dying, Marion.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Nelse. I am always here for you.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Right by your side.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Not literally, obviously.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08You are a filthy disease carrier.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I wouldn't come near you if you paid me.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14My point is... I forget my point. Fig roll?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16No. Thank you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- So how's the Bucket List coming along?- Oh, I gave up.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Just feels like a cliche, a list of things to do before you die.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Kind of thing they do in cheesy sitcoms.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28OK, Nelson. And did that stop you
0:18:28 > 0:18:31from inviting your new boss over to dinner
0:18:31 > 0:18:34and encouraging him to wear his brand-new white suit,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37even though you knew you were serving tomato soup
0:18:37 > 0:18:38and a selection of red wines
0:18:38 > 0:18:41on your dining table with the one wonky leg?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Mmm, no.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Nel-son! - CANNED LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Did that stop you from asking your scheming, long-lost identical twin
0:18:50 > 0:18:53to come and stay, regardless of the myriad likely misunderstandings
0:18:53 > 0:18:55that were almost bound to arise?
0:18:55 > 0:18:56No.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Nelson?!
0:18:59 > 0:19:00CANNED LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:05Did that stop you from going on that holiday with your fiance and your potential new mother-in-law,
0:19:05 > 0:19:10even though not two days previous you had started undergoing experimental new treatment
0:19:10 > 0:19:13of hypnotherapy to cure your terrible sleepwalking problem?
0:19:13 > 0:19:14No.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15SHE GASPS
0:19:15 > 0:19:16AUDIENCE GROANS
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Nelson?!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Then, my friend, let it not stop you from carrying out a small list
0:19:24 > 0:19:29of highly visual comedic tasks you wish to undertake before you die!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31OK, then!
0:19:31 > 0:19:36# Now I've had the time of my life
0:19:36 > 0:19:41# No, I never felt like this before
0:19:41 > 0:19:45# Yes, I swear, it's the truth
0:19:45 > 0:19:48# And I owe it all to you
0:19:48 > 0:19:55# Cos I've had the time of my life
0:19:55 > 0:19:58# And I owe it all to you... #
0:19:58 > 0:20:00See? That wasn't so cliche.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02DOORBELL
0:20:02 > 0:20:04The archbishop?!
0:20:04 > 0:20:08But I've just accidentally bought a hundredweight of pornography!
0:20:08 > 0:20:13That just leaves one more thing - kiss a beautiful girl.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14And I think I know who.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Marion, if I die while I'm gone...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21goodbye.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Let's just do handshakes, yes?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Come here, you nut-gathering wanker!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- Hello, Vincent.- Pigeon?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37What you doing out your nest?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40What? Can't a lonely little birdie
0:20:40 > 0:20:43pay a visit down to your level every once in a while?
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- MUSIC: "Butterfly" by Crazy Town - Mary, Mother of- BLEEP!
0:20:47 > 0:20:48I've seen the way you look at me, Vincent.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Unplucking me with your eyes, checking out my legs.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56My very short, very stumpy, very red little legs.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59So what do you say?
0:20:59 > 0:21:05Fox and bird, the final taboo.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Phwoar.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Listen, I ain't about to screw no pigeon!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- It's- BLEEP- undignified!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14OK, I'll level with you, it's not about the sex.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I'm trying to create a fox-pigeon master race
0:21:17 > 0:21:19so I can bring about the downfall of humankind.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Why didn't you just say?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24A donor at last! Nothing can foil my plan now.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Hey.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Don't blame yourself. Lots of men have this problem.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33- Stupid, useless- BLEEP!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Working last night!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38If you tell ANYONE about this,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- I will hunt you down and I will- BLEEP- your head off.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44OK, I get it.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Quick snuggle?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51God! Being stray totally sucks!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Can't believe I'm actually going to eat from a bin!
0:21:54 > 0:21:58It's like the most degrading thing I've ever done, ever!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Bring on the Wall!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Mmm, maybe not ever.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Destiny! What are you doing?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Surviving, Nelson.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I ran away. I had to.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Gary arranged for me to have pups with some pedigree Afghan douchebag.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I need to talk to you and I don't have a lot of time.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21We both know there's always been this thing between us, and so...
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Hang on, hang on. What thing?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25You know. The "will they, won't they?"
0:22:25 > 0:22:27You know, that's been going on all the time,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30underneath all the other crazy stuff that happens.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34The thing! The slow-burn romance thing,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36like when we always used to look at each other at work.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39MUSIC: "Handbags and Gladrags" by Big George
0:22:47 > 0:22:49That was Tim and Dawn from The Office.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52So it was. Point is, I'm here to tell you something,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55because if I don't do it now, I'll never get another chance.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59And in a weird way, it's liberating knowing I won't be around much longer,
0:22:59 > 0:23:03because now I don't care who knows it. So I want to tell you...
0:23:10 > 0:23:14# I'll always remember when I first met my Destiny
0:23:14 > 0:23:17# You caught my eye then you stole all the rest of me... #
0:23:17 > 0:23:19You are such a geek! Ah!
0:23:19 > 0:23:22It's this week's song!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Bye, then.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Still, at least we'll always have that night in the bar when...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Wait, that was Sam and Diane.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Cheers?
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Remember Cheers?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38No?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Marion, I need you to promise me, when I start to lose it,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48when I'm ranting and frothing at the mouth -
0:23:48 > 0:23:50might be today, might be tomorrow -
0:23:50 > 0:23:54no matter how much I try to persuade you otherwise, I want you...
0:23:56 > 0:23:57I want you to kill me.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- Nelson, I can't do it... - You have to, I'm begging you!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04No, I can't do it tomorrow, because I'm playing badminton.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06So I'm thinking, if it's all right with you...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- Oh. - Would you mind?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11It's just we have court booked,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and I've got a mate coming all the way from Watford blah blah blah,
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- I've got these new shuttlecocks... - Oh, no, you go ahead.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Your precious little game of badminton's a lot more important
0:24:19 > 0:24:20than the final hours of my life.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Thanks, man, knew you'd understand.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Knock-knock. Sorry to bother. - Oh. Doctor.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Yeah, small mix-up at the lab.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Turns out we got your blood sample confused with someone else's.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32- How?- Well, yes...
0:24:32 > 0:24:36I'm sure you remember, as I do, when I was reaching for your sample...
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Sorry, is this ethical?
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Oh, it's fine.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42I'll just quickly and effortlessly transfer blood into this syringe,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46find a vein and perform the injection.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59So I retested with your sample, and the results came back...
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Evening, all!
0:25:00 > 0:25:01...absolutely fine.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04You mean... Mark Fowler!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I don't have rabies!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Hang on, if I'm not infected, then who is?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Some randy Afghan. Came in for his monthly STD check and...
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Destiny! I have to save her!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Except, sorry to be total fricking bore...
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Marion, you bloody idiot! I don't have rabies!
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Yeah. You did kind of say you'd try to talk me out of it.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- All right,- BLEEP- lickers, what we up to?- Oh, God.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Actually, Vince, long story.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I'm just about to kill Nelson, because...
0:25:32 > 0:25:33I'll help.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34You don't need to know why?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Ah, I'll make something up. Um...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Oh, yeah, that'll do.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Guys, I'm begging you! Don't do this! I don't have rabies!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Although he probably has.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48What? No!
0:25:49 > 0:25:54Please! I'm halfway through a City and Guilds in Media and Photography!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Stay in there until you do something!
0:25:57 > 0:26:01So, you just couldn't resist me, eh?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh, shut up! Let's just...
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Let's get this over with.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Do you mind if I sob all the way through?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Knock yourself out.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12SHE SOBS
0:26:12 > 0:26:14This won't hurt...
0:26:14 > 0:26:16much.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Kali, now!
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Huh?
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Fly, my pretty! Fly!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26LAUGHS
0:26:26 > 0:26:27OK.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Is it too late to ask, A, how you found me,
0:26:30 > 0:26:34B, how you got in, and, D, how you managed to suspend
0:26:34 > 0:26:36that thing from the ceiling while I was in the room?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Well, certainly hope so.- Gary!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40FOOTSTEPS
0:26:42 > 0:26:44So. Yeah.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46It's all gone a bit Phil Spector.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53And look what I found
0:26:53 > 0:26:57among the belongings of your Parisian intellectual friend, Christian.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58The Afghan!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Turns out you weren't his only pen friend.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Ooh, the treacherous bastard!
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Thing I don't get is, how did you persuade Kali to help you out?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Er...not important, to be honest.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16It's coming!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18It's coming!
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Sir Robert Winston!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I can't believe I'm going to be a dad!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Ho-ho, regard!
0:27:25 > 0:27:29The dawning of a brave new race of super-predators!
0:27:29 > 0:27:32An uber-species of fox-birds
0:27:32 > 0:27:37powerful enough to bring puny mankind to...
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Oh, hang on.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41That's just a normal pigeon with red feathers.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Ooh. May I?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- Be my- BLEEP- guest.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51To be honest, the moment's probably passed.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Ah! Water!
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk