0:00:06 > 0:00:09Yeah. Got a serious vermin issue here, mate. Rat, pigeon...
0:00:09 > 0:00:13- Got a fox living under the bins. - Yeah, foxes are the worst. Crap everywhere,
0:00:13 > 0:00:16spread toxocariasis, leptospirosis.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17HE CHUCKLES
0:00:17 > 0:00:21I had that when I was little, so I happen to be immune, actually.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Best thing - put down a trap,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25lined with newspaper, bit of sausage.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30- He'll be in there in the morning. - Ha! That's what you think.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Let me tell you something else about foxes. We're famous for our...
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Ooh, is that today's Metro? No, because there is an interview with Darcey Bussell.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- Oh, bums! Marion! Marion! - Hello, Nelson.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I seem to have got myself into something of a...Jeffrey Archer.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Be right down... Oh.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Another little tip for you. Weigh down your bin lids.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Keeps out scavengers.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56On my grandmother's uterus! I'm trapped!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59It's OK, Marion. I'm sure we can puzzle our way out of this.
0:00:59 > 0:01:05Now, let me see. Newspaper, rainwater, sausage meat.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Hmm...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08That gives me an idea.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Hmm. Nope.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Still here.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# La la la la
0:01:20 > 0:01:23# La la la la la
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# La la la la laaaa. #
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Check it!
0:01:27 > 0:01:31I've only been accepted for the most famous dog competition in the world!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33You're joking! Crufts?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36The South Docklands Area Landlords' Association Pub Dog of the Month,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38quarterfinals!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Oh. Ruddy well done, Destiny. Now, if you could just pull the lever...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Gary finally sent the form in. God knows I dropped enough hints.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49# Because you're gorgeous... #
0:01:50 > 0:01:52You drove me to this, Gary!
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Understand? You made me do this to you!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Bobby Sands! That is excellent. Now, if you could just reach in
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- and pull the lever...- Ow! Kali! What was that for?
0:02:02 > 0:02:07- Retaliation! For the pigeon spikes. - Gary's just tidying the garden
0:02:07 > 0:02:10to keep me clean for the competition. Rat poison, mole traps,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- a squirrel demoraliser.- A what?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16MUSIC: TCHAIKOVSKY "The Dance Of The Reed Flutes" from The Nutcracker
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Oh, a lovely nut!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21ROBOTIC VOICE: All your friends hate you.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23This ain't over. I am going to get those spikes
0:02:23 > 0:02:26out of my garden, whatever it takes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Hate to be a right ruddy bore -
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I'm getting deep vein thrombosis.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Oh, for God's sake!- Ooh...
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Obliged. Now, time to rescue Marion. - Too late. He's dead.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- Kali, that's what you said about Andi Peters.- I never!
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- He's probably curled up in his bin, licking his bottom.- No. Apparently,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- he does a lot of producing work. - CHEERILY:- Nelson!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- ANGRILY:- Still here!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Relax. It's Tuesday, and the bin men come on the Monday,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54so we've got another six whole days to find a... Oh, my God!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56It was a Bank Holiday weekend!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- MARION:- Save me!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- HE SNIFFS - Ugh!
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Marion!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Marion!- Brethren.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- Welcome to my domain.- Oh.- The rats, they have taken me as their god
0:03:13 > 0:03:18and elected me all-powerful holy emperor of entire tip. They bow to me
0:03:18 > 0:03:24- and offer me sacrifice and pray to me upwards of five times a day.- They haven't really
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- done any of those things, have they, Marion?- No. No, they haven't. To be honest,
0:03:28 > 0:03:34- I kind of get impression they don't like me that much.- Do you just want to pop the hat off for me then?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- OK.- Now, let's hit the road...
0:03:37 > 0:03:41# I want to know what love is. #
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Princess Michael of Kent!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Isn't that just the most beautiful sight on earth?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50HE COUGHS
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- That skanky fox?!- If by "skanky",
0:03:52 > 0:03:55you mean "heart-stoppingly gorgeous", then yes.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Nelson, she's rank.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00If by "rank", you mean "beguiling", then yes.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03She is picking lice out of her own arse and eating them.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05If by "picking lice
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"out of her own..." Ah, so she is. A lot of people
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- couldn't carry that off. - MARION INHALES
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Oh, I get it. She's in heat. Heat, man. Screws with your brain.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Makes you do stupid things.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20This month, we're reading The Lovely Bones -
0:04:20 > 0:04:24a harrowing examination of grief and the murder of innocence.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26You've got lovely bones.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Marion, I know what I'm doing, hm?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Now, wish me luck.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Er, tell me...are your paws tired?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Cos you've been running through my mind all... Agh!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- THUMPING AND SNARLING - Oh, you're a feisty one!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Ahem... You're right - cheesy line.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Tell me, did it hurt when you fell from...?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Stay off my dump, you thieving twat!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Angel, if I wish to steal anything, it is only your heart.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Don't touch my- BLEEP- heart!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I think we might have got off on the wrong foot. I was wondering,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02and you've probably got a boyfriend,
0:05:02 > 0:05:06but I do this amazing three-bean salad.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- Will you do me the great honour of joining me for dinner? - Get lost, arse-farmer.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16Great! Come on, then, Marion. Say goodbye to your new friends.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Farewell, my tiny disciples. Ow!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I think I'd like to go home now.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26So, Gary, it is thanks to you
0:05:26 > 0:05:29that my favourite perch has become a bed of nails.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33And all to stop your garden being a pigeon toilet. Well, be warned,
0:05:33 > 0:05:37you have got a toilet too.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40And you're going to need to go sooner or later, Gary!
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- Yes, you are, my two-legged... - Sorry, Kali? Who are you talking to?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Well, it's kind of an internal monologue projected at Gary.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Done, baby. If this was just a beauty contest, you'd win paws down.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- Right, let's prep you for that canine intelligence test.- What?!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58You never mentioned no...
0:05:58 > 0:05:59OK. What...? I can't see.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04- Destiny, pull it off, girl - I'm timing you.- Oh, my God, I'm blind!
0:06:04 > 0:06:08I'd rather die than be blind! Blind people have such awful hair!
0:06:08 > 0:06:09End it! End it now!
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Jesus, Destiny.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14There's, like, three animals in the whole world that fail this test.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Welcome back to Live From Studio Five.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Sorry it's so dark in here today.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I have so little self-worth
0:06:22 > 0:06:25that this is the actual Ian Wright under this tea towel.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Never mind, sweetheart. Daddy still loves you.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Oh! Oh, it was a towel!
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Right, test me again.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- Panic over. The wandering yeomen hath return-ed.- Urgh!
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- Don't touch me. You could've picked up anything. - Interesting you should say this.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Where's these free- BLEEP- beans, then?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51My God! What is that?!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"That" happens to have a name, and that name is...
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- Sorry, forgot to ask...?- Sandra.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Sandra. Somehow, I knew it would be.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- Let me guess. She's in heat.- Destiny, that's neither here nor there.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Just look at her. She's an absolute fox!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- Nelson, she is urinating on me. - Marion,
0:07:08 > 0:07:13it's a symbol of friendship in some...countries. Mainly around the Benelux...
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- Nelson, you idiot! Soon as she's off heat, you'll regret this.- Oi!
0:07:16 > 0:07:21- Say that again!- Get off!- Destiny, you stop bullying my girlfriend!
0:07:21 > 0:07:25She's just jealous, babe. Don't let it bother you. Hey, let me show you my love den.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Man, she is unbearable! We have to find way to break them up.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- Wait! Remember what happened at the end of Nanny McPhee?- No.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37So, Emma Thompson is the Nanny McPhee,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39and Colin Firth, he has just lost his wife.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Angela Lansbury, AKA Mrs Potts from Beauty And Beast,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46she tells Colin Firth he has to get married or she will separate his children.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49So Colin Firth hastily arranges
0:07:49 > 0:07:51to marry Celia Imrie, even though she is vulgar!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54So Nanny McPhee, who is magic,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58she makes it snow, and then there is a cake fight. Then...
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- MUSIC PLAYS - Oh...
0:08:04 > 0:08:08I can't believe you made me watch that shit.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10THUMPING
0:08:13 > 0:08:14SOBBING
0:08:14 > 0:08:17So you're basically suggesting...
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- we get Vince to savage her. - Yes, that's basically what I'm suggesting. It's a good film,
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- by the way, you should check it out. Granted, it's no Jumanji.- Huh?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Ah... So, Robin Williams,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31he has been trapped inside board game since 1969...
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Sorry it's a bit of a mess. Den of iniquity, I sometimes call it!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Eh? - HE CHUCKLES
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Yeah... In fact,
0:08:41 > 0:08:46I haven't seen such a "dirty den" since I Skyped Leslie Grantham...!
0:08:48 > 0:08:53Er, but if I can be serious for a minute. Tea?
0:08:53 > 0:08:54SNIFFING Ooh...
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Donny and Marie Osmond! Vince, I...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59see you've met Sandra.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Phwoar...
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Lovely stuff. Anyhoo, um, I have made plans for the day, so...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- She's mine now. Cock off.- Well,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11perhaps we should let the little lady
0:09:11 > 0:09:13make that choice for herself.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I agree. Cock off!
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Better still, we'll fight for her!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21HE LAUGHS
0:09:25 > 0:09:30- Yeah, all right, then.- Well, I say fight...anagram challenge?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- We'd each have seven letters and... - Piss off,- BLEEP!- Technically,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36that's 11, but OK. I've got Focus...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Punto... Ooh, both cars - that's a bonus point.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- GRUNTING - Er, what else...?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Er... Font. Erm...
0:09:45 > 0:09:50Cusp. Er, er, sniff. Um...
0:09:51 > 0:09:52..puffins.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54SCREAMING
0:09:54 > 0:09:56VINCE: Oh, yeah!
0:09:56 > 0:09:57All yours.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Smashing. Tatty-bye.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04So, young lady...
0:10:04 > 0:10:08you've just made whoopee with another fox right in front of me!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10What do you have to say for yourself, hmm?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Twat hammer!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14HE SNIFFS # I want to know what love is... #
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Oh, how can I stay mad at you?! Come here.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22# ..I want you to show me. #
0:10:22 > 0:10:29Time to mount the kind of protest Gary can't possibly ignore!
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Time to throw myself on the spikes
0:10:32 > 0:10:37in a grand gesture of self-sacrifice!
0:10:40 > 0:10:45Behold, for I have impaled myself
0:10:45 > 0:10:48on the pigeon spikes,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51which, in a way, is using them
0:10:51 > 0:10:56for the very purpose for which they were erected!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58KALI COUGHS
0:10:58 > 0:11:04Damn! I have got to start thinking these things through!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Urgh! Look at that waxy build-up. - Who said...?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- Who said? - Marion?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Marion. - Can you hear an echo? - Can you hear an echo?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I think this Sandra, she has given you the fleas.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- They can be most irritating.- What?!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Oh, God, if Gary finds out, he won't enter me!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- CHUCKLING: You said, "Enter you!" - She wants Gary to enter her.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Shut up!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Do you like it when Gary enters you?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32So annoying!
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- Am I bovvered? Does my face look bovvered?- Am I, though? Am I bovvered?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Oh, God, they're quoting The Catherine Tate Show!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40You have my deepest, deepest sympathies.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43How very dare you!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Argh...!- So, Vince, did you kill her?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Nah. I never eat anything, I just- BLEEP.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Little tip I picked up from Delia.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Fine. If Vincent cannot save Nelson, it falls on me to do it myself.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Once I've made a quick note.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- ECHOING:- And never eat anything you've just- BLEEP...- Done.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05# I want to know what love is. #
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Oh, you've got such a great sense of humour.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10- BLEEP- off!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Oh, classic Sandra.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Be gone, vile smell. Leave this earthly realm,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20and vanish forever into eternal hereafter!
0:12:26 > 0:12:29So, anyway, I thought if I sprayed some Woodland Glade, it might
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- mask her scent.- You idiot! Marion, if you can't accept Sandra,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I'll take her to see someone who will. My parents!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39You are making biggest mistake of your life!
0:12:41 > 0:12:46It's a good offer, but I'm feeling lucky. Ask me the question, Noel.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You are making the second-biggest mistake of your life!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53GLASS SMASHES
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Edmonds!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00The third?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02What have I done?!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Oh, Jesus, who will helicopter the poorly children
0:13:05 > 0:13:07their presents this Christmas?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Oh...!
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Fourth?!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12DVD? You buy DVD?
0:13:12 > 0:13:16"Ricky Gervais stars as the only man in the world who can tell a lie."
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Mm! That's got to be worth two quid.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22For sake of argument, let's just say top ten.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26# Everybody's looking for that something
0:13:28 > 0:13:32# One thing that makes it all complete... #
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Where am I?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Gary?! - There you go, little birdy.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- Soon have you on the mend. - What have you done to me?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Oh, and don't think you can win me over with a shoe box, Gary.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48Even like a brand-new, really dry... Is this Reebok?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Birdy want crisps? Sausage roll?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Oh, I see what you're doing, Gary.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Pampering me, so I forget about my campaign of terror.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Well, it won't work.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I may be temporarily out of action,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04but I will never, never, never stop in my...
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Hello, someone's been to Greggs.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10# ..You're flying without wings. #
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Dad, this is Sandra.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- All right, Dad.- Oh, Jesus... - Oh, isn't that lovely?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18She's calling you Dad already.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Yes. Because I am her dad.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25- She's your sister.- What?! Now you mention it, thought she looked familiar.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28HE SNIFFS
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- LISPING:- Come on, sis. Let's make rose-water perfume for Mother!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- BLEEP- your perfume!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Susan Tully! Brother and sister!
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- You know what this means, don't you, son?- Yes, I do.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43This makes our relationship...
0:14:43 > 0:14:46absolutely bloody perfect! Don't you see?
0:14:46 > 0:14:51- No arguments over where to spend Christmas!- She's on heat, son. You'll regret this
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- the moment she comes off. - That's not true, and I'll prove it.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Dad, I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00- I feel sick.- Is that a yes?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03No, it's a no, son. It's against God and nature,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07and if you've got a scrap of sense in that head of yours, you won't do this!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10MUSIC: MENDELSSOHN: Wedding March
0:15:10 > 0:15:12HE RETCHES
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I don't believe this is happening.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Oh! Fleas! Me?!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20And now, I'll have to ring round all me old boyfriends!
0:15:20 > 0:15:25Destiny? Wow. Wasn't expecting to hear from you. How you been...?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Great, yeah, fine.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Out in Richmond now. - HE CHUCKLES
0:15:29 > 0:15:31How do you mean, get myself checked?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- Jesus, Destiny, what are you telling me?- Who is it, Chris?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Uh, no-one, love. Telesales.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- I'm begging you, don't marry her. - Marion, I love her.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- Can't you just love her like a sister?- Actually, funny you should say that.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- Don't tell me, I just ate!- Family, friends, we are gathered here today
0:15:51 > 0:15:55to celebrate the union of two very special foxes -
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Nelson and the, er, delightful Sandra.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03So I must ask if anyone knows of any lawful reason why this pair
0:16:03 > 0:16:06should not be married to declare... - She's got fleas!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- She's his freaking sister!- She's got a- BLEEP- like an Argos stockroom!
0:16:12 > 0:16:17..Then I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22I... She's just doing a bit of a poo there. I'll wait.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24HE CHUCKLES
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Oh...! Ah...!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I do have a christening at six.
0:16:31 > 0:16:37# I'll keep holding on
0:16:38 > 0:16:39# I'll keep... #
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Lovely service, weren't it, Vince?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Oi, are you trying to take advantage of my fragile emotional state,
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- you Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn- BLEEP?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Well, actually, I was trying to catch some of your big, hard fleas
0:16:54 > 0:16:57so they'd attack my little fleas and kill 'em.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- What's happening? - Someone's coming. Someone new.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04What's occurrin'? Only me!
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Lovely-jubbly!
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Oh, what?! They're exactly the same as mine!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Annoying little bastards, in't they?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Always the- BLEEP- bridesmaid.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Sod this, let's dance!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21# Wake up in the morning
0:17:21 > 0:17:23# With a head like "What you done?" #
0:17:23 > 0:17:27# Get up, get up, get up, get up... #
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Well, Sandra, I don't know if our mother told you
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- what to expect on your wedding night.- Is it- (BLEEP)?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Yeah, good old Mum, straight to the point. Now, precautions...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Not taking any. - But...you could fall pregnant.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- Don't give a crap. - You are so right.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47We ARE ready. Now, just quickly pop and brush my teeth.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Maybe you could light the odd tea light... Agh!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Oh, yeah, come on!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I'm a giver, not a taker, Sandra.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58SNORING
0:18:01 > 0:18:02SANDRA SPLUTTERS
0:18:08 > 0:18:09HE YAWNS
0:18:14 > 0:18:16HE SIGHS
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Marion, you know when you said I only fancied Sandra
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- because she was on heat?- Yeah.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- And that I'd regret marrying her? - Yeah.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And I said it wasn't because she was on heat at all,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- and that had nothing to do with it? - Yeah.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Yeah, it was that.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- Thought so. She's minging, isn't she?- Yeah. Yes, she is.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Never mind. Love them and leave them, eh?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Marion, we can't just break up - we're married,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45and she might be in the... family way.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49And, oh, it'd just be so much hassle. You see...
0:18:55 > 0:18:57# I can't bring myself to leave her
0:18:57 > 0:19:00# Breaking up would be unpleasant
0:19:00 > 0:19:04# Cos it's almost her birthday and some people might say I only did it
0:19:04 > 0:19:06# To avoid buying a present
0:19:06 > 0:19:08# I don't want her friends to hate us
0:19:08 > 0:19:11# And I've only just changed my Facebook status
0:19:11 > 0:19:17# Screw it Let's just stay together
0:19:17 > 0:19:20# Breaking up is such a faff
0:19:20 > 0:19:22# I can't stand awkward goodbyes
0:19:22 > 0:19:26# Breaking up is such a faff I'll just sweat it out
0:19:26 > 0:19:29# Until she dies
0:19:34 > 0:19:38# I can't bring myself to dump her though she really gets on my tits
0:19:38 > 0:19:40# Cos we've booked a trip to Pisa
0:19:40 > 0:19:42# I've put it on my Visa
0:19:42 > 0:19:44# If we cancel, I'll lose all my deposit
0:19:44 > 0:19:47# It's easier to stay the same
0:19:47 > 0:19:50# Than to file a travel insurance claim
0:19:50 > 0:19:55# Screw it Let's just stay together
0:19:55 > 0:19:58# Breaking up is such a faff
0:19:58 > 0:20:01# I'm too much of an emotional coward
0:20:01 > 0:20:03# Breaking up is such a faff
0:20:03 > 0:20:06# Besides, we've just picked out a power shower
0:20:06 > 0:20:09# And answer me this, please
0:20:09 > 0:20:11# What about all our DVDs?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15# Cos, baby, I can't stand it if we have to fight
0:20:15 > 0:20:18# Over who owns that copy of The Dark Knight... #
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Oh, look. Two copies of DodgeBall. Bonus!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23# ..Breaking up is such a faff
0:20:23 > 0:20:26# I just wish that I was dead
0:20:26 > 0:20:29# Breaking up is such a faff If I act boring
0:20:29 > 0:20:33# Maybe she'll leave instead. #
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Then again, you hear lots of interesting stuff about tax breaks for married people,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40which obviously is worth taking advantage of. And supposedly,
0:20:40 > 0:20:45there's health benefits to being in a long-term relationship. Plus, there's a lot
0:20:45 > 0:20:51to be said for regular, dependable sex, even if it is with someone you find physically repellent.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Clippers! Need the clippers!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Computer says no.- I'm a lady!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Whoa!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- Hello, Kali!- What?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12What you looking at? Have I got something on my beak?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Nothing on your beak. Tiny little something on your hips.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Oh...my...days!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20So, yeah, you're massive.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Nah, nah, hold up. It must be the mirror or something.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- It's not the mirror that's the problem - it's your arse. - Oh, I can't believe
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I let this happen to myself!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Oh, well played, Gary.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Well played indeed!
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Ah, clippers! In your face, fleas! Prepare to die!
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Destiny, wait! Think about it. You'll lose the dog show!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I'd lose anyway. Stupid intelligence round.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47We can do the intelligence round for you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Yeah. I've appeared on Eggheads.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54With your body and our brains, we can't lose.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Ah...
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- OK, then, fleas. You got a deal. - Right. Couple of questions...
0:21:59 > 0:22:05who are you talking to and are you eating that biscuit? Answer the second one first.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"Dearest Vince,
0:22:08 > 0:22:13"many thanks for your generous wedding gift of one dead sparrow.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16"All our love, Nelson and..."
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Ooh, Sandra, can you just sign?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21SPRAYING
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Can't help but notice you're still using your old signature.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- HIGH VOICE:- Nelson! What is the meaning of this?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30That's right, young lady. He's already married!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33The children want to know when you're coming home.
0:22:33 > 0:22:39- Only you can stop the tears. - Whatever.- Thanks anyway, Marion.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44- I appreciate the effort you've gone to...- No problem.- ..but I've made my bed.- I did warn you. Several times.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- Perhaps if you'd been a better wife, none of this would've happened. - This is my fault?
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- And the fact we never go out, I suppose that's my fault? - Here it comes. And now the tears.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I go to all this effort.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- You never tell me how nice I look! - I've been under a lot of pressure recently.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- CRASHING - I shouldn't take it out on you, but...- I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Oh, bother!
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- Coming, sis!- Just let me out, dickwit. Wifey wants her loving.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13On second thoughts, maybe this is a good time to talk...
0:23:13 > 0:23:15about us.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- OK. We're in. - All these dogs. We got no chance.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Look, you just worry about the intelligence round,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I'll take care of the rest.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Now, 1980s power pop, please.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39MUSIC STARTS
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Thank you.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43# Try to be best
0:23:43 > 0:23:44# Cos you're only a man
0:23:44 > 0:23:47# And a man's got to learn to take it
0:23:47 > 0:23:49# Try to believe though the going gets rough
0:23:49 > 0:23:52# That you gotta hang tough to make it
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# History repeats itself
0:23:55 > 0:23:57# Try and you succeed
0:23:57 > 0:23:59# Never doubt that you're the one
0:23:59 > 0:24:01# And you can have your dream
0:24:01 > 0:24:04# You're the best around
0:24:04 > 0:24:06# Nothing's going to ever keep you down
0:24:06 > 0:24:09# You're the best around
0:24:09 > 0:24:12# And nothing's going to ever keep you down
0:24:12 > 0:24:14# You're the best around... #
0:24:14 > 0:24:18It all comes down to this - canine intelligence.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Destiny, the plucky but stupid young Afghan challenger,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24against Chomsky, the intellectual sheepdog,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- author of several philosophical works.- Shut up!- Sorry!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Couldn't resist that.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33- And...find the biscuit! - SLOW TICKING
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Ah...it's the one on the right.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41In the name of God, I hope you know what you're doing.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Winner!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45# You're the best around... #
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Oh, my God! We did it!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50# You're the best around
0:24:50 > 0:24:53# And nothing's going to ever keep you down. #
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Wow! You've grown, little birdy.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Yeah, it's actually very rude of you to comment on that, actually, Gary.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Big little birdy, aren't you? - Yes, I am!
0:25:01 > 0:25:02I am working this girth!
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Baby, you ain't ready for this jelly! We got any jelly?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Think you've had too much of the indoors. Let's set you free.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Now, hang on, Gary. Let's talk about this.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12There we go.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17So, yeah. This is embarrassing.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Oh, that's where that hot dog went. Mmm.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Maybe you getting driven out to the middle of nowhere and set loose
0:25:23 > 0:25:25in the woods is exactly what we need right now.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27You know, bit of space.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30They won't release her into no woods. No.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32She'll get shot in the back of the head.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- Vince, that's a complete urban myth. - Is it now?
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- Oh, Gorden Kaye! What happened? - I can't remember,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43but if I stick a pencil in it, I can see Jesus.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS - All right, JC? Things all right?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48How's your dad?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Oh, God, I'm going to die!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Oh, God!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Can't quite believe I'm going to do this.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Come on, then, dear. Let's go home
0:26:01 > 0:26:03and crap all over our favourite soft furnishings. Where are you going?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Back to the dump, aren't I? - What? But why?
0:26:06 > 0:26:10I had time to think and I loved you, Nelson.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- I thought we- BLEEP- had something, but you spent our whole marriage
0:26:14 > 0:26:16talking in front of my face
0:26:16 > 0:26:20about how rank I am and how you'd do anything to get rid of me,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22so...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- this is- BLEEP- goodbye.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Ha-ha! The skank is gone at last.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31SOBS
0:26:31 > 0:26:33High-five!
0:26:33 > 0:26:38No! No high-five, because there was a monster in that den, Marion.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41And that monster was me.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Sandra!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Sandra, come back!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Time to fly, little birdy.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49LAUGHS
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Come on, Gary, let's call a truce, yeah?
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Start over, OK? Yeah, good lad.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Wah... THUD!
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Sandra? Sandra? Kali, have you seen my...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Oh. Oh, dear.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08What you staring at? Never seen a two-stone pigeon before?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Actually, no, not sure that I have.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14But it was more the fox that you're, um, sitting on somewhat that I was...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Oh...
0:27:16 > 0:27:17condolences.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19SOBS
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Yeah, I'm just going to come right out and say this -
0:27:21 > 0:27:23do you mind if I eat your dead wife?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Fine. Go ahead.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29It's probably what she would've wanted.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Sorry about the, er, the kids.
0:27:33 > 0:27:38It turns out it's not possible to get pregnant if she penetrates you.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Oh, fact of the day.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42- DESTINY:- Stand back!
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Pub Dog of the Month quarterfinal winner coming through!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Holy crapfires! Wow, well done!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- So what you win? - A collar, a rosette.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55Oh, and a free treatment of this new boric acid flea powder, weirdly.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59What?! My face, my skin!
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Jesus Christ, my skin's dripping off!
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Another light-hearted romp through the canine kingdom for me.
0:28:07 > 0:28:12My baby, she's melting! I'm cradling a melting flea baby!
0:28:12 > 0:28:13So, yeah. What I miss?
0:28:13 > 0:28:17SCREAMING
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- MARION:- So Will Ferrell is raised as elf at the North Pole...