0:00:02 > 0:00:03FIREWORKS BANG Oh, wow!
0:00:04 > 0:00:05Ooh!
0:00:07 > 0:00:10The sky. It is falling.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12It is the end of the world.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15And I never got to see Mariah Carey live.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16So at least that's one thing.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Marion, you fool, run!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29On my father's kidneys... you...you saved my life.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Designated fire warden, Marion.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- It's what we do. - You're our hero, Nelson.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38We're just lucky this large, tepee-shaped, wooden shelter
0:00:38 > 0:00:41filled with kindling appeared in the garden.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Quick register... Alison, Beverly, Benjamin...
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Here we go, kids... happy Bonfire Night!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50WHOOMPH!
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Argh...!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- Fire! Fire! Fire! - Nelson, is OK.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56You were having the bad dream...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59You're right - just a dream, just a dream.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01..about something that actually happened.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Oh, yeah. Robert Mugabe! Those poor animals.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07My friend, you have to get over this.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09It was so very, very, very,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11very, very, very,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14very, very long ago.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Coincidentally, one year to this day.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Argh...!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23# La la la la
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# La la la la la
0:01:26 > 0:01:28# La la la la laaaa. #
0:01:28 > 0:01:31..Argh...!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- Nelson!- Hello?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36God, you are such a knobskull. It's only lame-ass Bonfire Night.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- OK, Kali, get this.- Yeah?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- I always think it must be an Austrian thing...- Yeah?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44..because every year Gary drugs me and puts me in the cellar!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- THEY LAUGH - Ah, incest.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Destiny, this is no laughing matter.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's yet another example of mankind's barbarism.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53First it was fox-hunting...
0:01:53 > 0:01:57# Keep on running... # BARKING
0:01:57 > 0:02:00..then drag-hunting, which was hardly an improvement.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# Keep on running... # BARKING
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Oh, why did I ever agree to this?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And now Bonfire Night.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09My good friend, you know what you must do.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11No! After what I did,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15I swore to that little girl I'd never pick up a clipboard again.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- What little girl?- You see, I tried to find forgiveness.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21MUSIC AND SCREAMING 'I visited the victims of the blaze
0:02:21 > 0:02:24'to make peace for the terrible thing I'd done.'
0:02:24 > 0:02:25So...we're all square?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27All square?!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31You led me into a 1,000-degree inferno, you killed my two young children,
0:02:31 > 0:02:36and you've brought me...a bunch of grapes and a copy of Chat magazine!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39CHEWING: Mmm. And a Toblerone.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41'Heck, I even tried volunteer work.'
0:02:41 > 0:02:45"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Oh, you've got a lovely voice.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Take my bandages off - I want to see your face.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Careful, now...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- GASPS:- You?!
0:02:56 > 0:03:01You murdered my dad, you murdering, murderous bastard!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Toblerone? SHE SOBS
0:03:04 > 0:03:08'And that's why I swore I'd never pick up a clipboard again.'
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- MUSIC STOPS - It's all flashbacks with you this week.- It really is. It really is.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Well, if you won't protect the innocent animals this Bonfire Night,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17then I guess I have to.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Nelson?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- FLASHBACK MUSIC PLAYS - Nelson?- Eh?
0:03:21 > 0:03:26Ooh, sorry - just having another one. Quite amusing, actually. Ooh.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Shame you can't all see it.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Destiny, fetch!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42So, any plans for Bonfire Night this year?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Ah, the traditional whimper at the loud noises...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47oh, maybe soil the carpet.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Go on, girl. Fetch!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- He's not getting this, is he? - Don't know what to say, mate.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Hard to get an action shot when she don't move.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- Action shot? - Oh, Brendan.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- He's a dog photographer.- Huh? - Always looking for new models.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03ENTHUSIASTIC PANTING
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Ah...there's a good girl.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I'm whatever kind of girl you want me to be.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Seems to have attitude.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Attitude?! I got more attitude than a Brighton newsagent!
0:04:13 > 0:04:14SHE LAUGHS
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Shooting a calendar at the moment, as it happens.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Bring her down to the studio, we'll try her out.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Ohmigod-ohmigod-ohmigod-ohmigod!
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- You might make some money out of this one.- What? Sell her on eBay?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29You know what, Gary? Yeah, I think I will fetch that stick.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Shove it right up your arse!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Barbara? Yes.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Jaden? I'm here.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Penelope? Present.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42You don't know what you've taken on, Marion.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Fire warden is a tougher job than guest-hosting This Morning
0:04:45 > 0:04:47alongside an unmedicated Eamonn Holmes.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50And in a moment, we'll be talking to Michael Crawford...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- Nobody, nobody. - ..about his return to the West End.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01But first, another chance to win £50,000 in our big cash giveaway.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Your fingers are upside down.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- WOMAN:- He's got a sword! Argh!
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Franklin? Yes.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Bluebell? Yes.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Toby? I'm here.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Sanjit? Sanjit?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Not here. OK.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Not alphabetical. - Huh?- The register.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19It's supposed to be in alphabetical order.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- This is how wars start, Marion. - OK. So I'll change it.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24You can't, because you've done it in pen.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26You always do it in pencil first!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Man, you're good.- Also you've got the clipboard upside down,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31you're not wearing your high-vis tabard
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and, for some reason, you're standing in a bucket of paraffin.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37H'OK, you've made your point. I'll get rid of this,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- start again.- Right. LIGHTER CLICKS Now, not to be over-critical...
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- WHOOMPH! - Oh! Oh, it burns. It burns. Oh...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48But you really should've left a 1.5-inch margin
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and double-spaced your writing.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Because if you need to use the first-aid kit,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- there is nowhere to jot down what you've taken!- Oh...! Relax.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01It's fine. I'm out. Now, a little Old Spice for the ladies.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Oh!
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Ah-ha!
0:06:07 > 0:06:12Oh...oh, my stinging...!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14H'ow...! Hoo!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- No, no, no. - Wahay, wa-ha-ha.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23So I got a new job. Glamour model.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28Don't tell me. Bloke in the park. Says he can make you famous.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Maybe. - And as he spoke to you,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32just how furiously was he masturbating?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Kali, if I get this gig, it could lead to all sorts of other stuff.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- Hmm, dog porn. - Acting.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39- Dog porn. - Charity work.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Dog porn. - I could do one of those adverts.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46VOICE-OVER ACTRESS: I am cold and wet.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51Will you give just £2 a month to find me a new home?
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Come on, Grandma. Two quid. You can afford it.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Maybe turn the heating down a bar.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Because if you don't, I'll die.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03And I'll be waiting for you.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Waiting in hell!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Not long now, Grandma!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Or...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- some dog porn. - SNIPPING - Ow!
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Huh?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16You see, Marion, if you clip her wings, she can't fly into fireworks.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Oh, you've grounded me!
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Oh, you stupid, dumb-ass, halfwit, cock-brain bastard!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25All part of the service, ma'am. Oh, yeah.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I am back! I'm back, baby, back!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Ah-hem, first of all, I want to thank you for attending
0:07:38 > 0:07:41the annual garden fire drill.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Nice to see so many new faces since last year.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- That's because we all had to have reconstructive surgery.- Oh.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Well, you know what they say - women like scars. Rugged.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57- Not when they're covering 98% of your body.- It's a fair point.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- GLASWEGIAN:- Get on with it, cock-end!- ALL: Yeah!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Absolutely. See, I've actually arranged
0:08:02 > 0:08:05for a special visitor to talk to you about fire safety.
0:08:05 > 0:08:11So please give a warm Isle of Dogs welcome to Captain Flame.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Oh, my Jesus Christ! Captain mother-loving Flame!
0:08:15 > 0:08:20Nelson, you magnificent son of a bitch, how did you arrange this?
0:08:20 > 0:08:26My God! All day we been together, you never even mention it once!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Ha-ha! All my life I've wanted to meet
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- Captain Fl...- Marion, I only came up with him half an hour ago.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Eh? Still...it's exciting for me.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41Now, Captain Flame, what advice can you give us for Bonfire Night?
0:08:41 > 0:08:45AS CAPTAIN FLAME: Keep all fireworks in a biscuit tin.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47A biscuit tin, yes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Always test the batteries in your smoke alarm.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Smoke alarm, yes.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52This is bullshit, man!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54OK, now, simmer down.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56We lost loved ones on 5/11.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00We want Bonfire Night abolished... for good!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03CROWD CHEERS
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- You're losing them, Nelson. - Er...all right,
0:09:05 > 0:09:11then I, Nelson, hereby promise to end Fireworks Night once and for all.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15CHEERING
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Great work, Nelson.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- How you going to do it? - I have absolutely no idea.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23What about you, Captain Flame?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- We should kill a hitchhiker. CROWD:- Nelson! Nelson!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- Nelson! Nelson! Nelson! - OK, I'm taking this off now.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36So, Destiny...nervous?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40A bit nervous of the other models in case they're all bitchy,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44because I'm, like, so sensitive, I'll probably cry.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Oh, no. We're very nice.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- "We"?!- Yes, I'll be modelling with you today.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Oh, wow... No, good for you.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Seriously. It'll be nice to see some plus-size girls out there.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And, after all...
0:10:01 > 0:10:04MUSIC PLAYS
0:10:05 > 0:10:07# If there's one thing I know
0:10:07 > 0:10:09# Thanks to Gok Wan's TV show
0:10:09 > 0:10:13# It's that ugly women are attractive
0:10:13 > 0:10:15# They're just as good as me
0:10:15 > 0:10:17# Though lacking genetically
0:10:17 > 0:10:21# With a thyroid gland that's clearly overactive
0:10:21 > 0:10:24# Ugly women are beautiful too
0:10:24 > 0:10:26# They're always sweet and trusting
0:10:26 > 0:10:28# Even though they look disgusting
0:10:28 > 0:10:32# Ugly women are beautiful too
0:10:32 > 0:10:33# Don't mean no disrespect
0:10:33 > 0:10:36# When I say you look like Shrek
0:10:36 > 0:10:38# Ugly women are...
0:10:38 > 0:10:41# Beautiful too... #
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Forget exfoliation
0:10:45 > 0:10:47That won't hide your deformation, girl
0:10:47 > 0:10:51The only way to shoot you is with a whaling gun
0:10:51 > 0:10:55But who cares who's the fattest? Cos it's what's inside that matters
0:10:55 > 0:10:59And whatever the hell that is, girl You must have bleeding tons.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03# ..Ugly women are beautiful too
0:11:03 > 0:11:07# I'm sexy, cute and savvy You're why cousins shouldn't marry
0:11:07 > 0:11:10# Ugly women are beautiful too
0:11:10 > 0:11:14# I look like Cheryl Cole You're an ad for birth control
0:11:14 > 0:11:17# Ugly women are
0:11:17 > 0:11:18# Beautiful too
0:11:18 > 0:11:21# Ugly, big, fat women
0:11:21 > 0:11:22# Just like you! #
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Don't touch me. - SHE SOBS
0:11:26 > 0:11:28What? It was satire.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Grounded! Man, this totally sucks.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Still, at least I'll be eligible for the 2012 Animal Paralympics.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39On your marks...
0:11:39 > 0:11:40FIRES PISTOL
0:11:40 > 0:11:45Hello, hello. A helpless, disabled, little pigeon.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49- And just in time for elevenses. - Vince. Ah...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52No. Um... Ah...
0:11:52 > 0:11:57How about I do you some eggs instead? Now, how do you like them? Sunny-side up?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- You do realise I've got... - COUGHS - ..bird flu?
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- Oh, look over there - a lamb doing Riverdance.- Where?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06IRISH JIG MUSIC
0:12:09 > 0:12:11So, yeah, that was unexpected.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15You know what I should've done? I should've used that moment to escape.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Ah-hem. Look over there - a lamb doing Riverdance.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21No?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Lucky for you, I've just had some treacle toffee, as it goes,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27so I'll have to save you for later.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Don't you go anywhere. Oh, you can't,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- you Patrick Stewart from X-Men- BLEEP!
0:12:34 > 0:12:38IRISH MUSIC RISES TO A CLIMAX
0:12:38 > 0:12:40CROWD APPLAUDS AND CHEERS
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Right-ho, gang, you asked me to end Bonfire Night,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- and I've only gone and bloody done it.- Oh, yeah? How?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51One word - wristbands.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Marion...
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Now, I know what you're thinking, it's a bit 2005.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00But these things ended world poverty and cured breast cancer.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- And now they're going to help us too.- That's it?!
0:13:02 > 0:13:07Trust me, it is the safest way to end this terrible menace. Everyone, take a wristband.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11THEY CHOKE
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Or...how about a little singsong?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19# It's Bonfire Night There's no need to be afraid
0:13:19 > 0:13:21# On Bonfire Night
0:13:21 > 0:13:25# Our homes were set alight, our children sauteed... #
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Enough! Enough of your feeble contribution.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30We demand more than words!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Ah-hem...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34# Saying I love you... #
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Not the bloody song More Than Words!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38We demand direct action
0:13:38 > 0:13:41to end Bonfire Night for ever
0:13:41 > 0:13:45and to kill - yes, kill - the human scum responsible.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47CHEERING
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Do I start the tombola now? - I think the moment's passed.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Come on, Marion, we will have no part of this...madness.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59My feline brother, do you know what humans do to cats on 5/11?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03They stick fireworks... up your arses.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Run this by me again.
0:14:05 > 0:14:11Right up your arses. Then they light the fuse and watch you explode.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Hot crap, Nelson, you never told me this!- Oh!
0:14:15 > 0:14:19That's because it's an urban myth, like the one about Jamie Lee Curtis being a hermaphrodite.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24- I've seen it...with my own eyes. - Really? When?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- You see her top half in Trading Places, but I wasn't aware she'd ever got her...- Brother,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31are you with the cat-killers...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- or against? - Against! Against!
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Fine. Stay if you want, Marion. I'm leaving.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Except this is actually my den, so, uh...
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Yeah, just give me a shout when you're finished.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48OK, Gary, bring the dogs over.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Yours ran off, mate.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Oh...! Oh, well, no worries. Send in Sprinkles.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Sprinkles? Who's Sprinkles?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00You do know you're moulting?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Don't try your shit with me, Blondie.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I was doing this when you was still on your mum's tit.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Now, do what I say, and no-one gets their eyes scratched out.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Mi-aow!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13MUSIC: "Centrefold" by J Geils Band
0:15:13 > 0:15:15# Come on!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26# My blood runs cold My memory has just been sold
0:15:26 > 0:15:30# My angel is the centrefold Angel is the centrefold
0:15:30 > 0:15:34# My blood runs cold My memory has just been sold... #
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Come and have a look at these. - OK, what's the frigging hold-up?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Argh!
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Oh, look! Sleeping on the job. Right, let's do a load with just Destiny.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Well, if you insist...
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Help! Help!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- What's the problem, friend? - I'm grounded,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06and this big fox is gonna come and eat me, and, and, and...
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Have no fear. Just climb on my back, and together we'll...
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Argh!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Sucker! Heh-heh-heh!
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Right, you flightless slag, my belly's all a-rumble for pigeone.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Good.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Ooh...!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Oh, yeah! Ooh! - BURPS
0:16:27 > 0:16:30And, for dessert, would sir care for the albatross?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Bugger me!
0:16:32 > 0:16:36I can't believe she landed an albatross. I mean, fair play to her.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Six.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41'Bringing Kali's score to a highly respectable 29.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43'Coming up, Vince forgets to buy ingredients...'
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Apologies, but there's cock-all in the pantry.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Which means it's either takeaway, or I eat you lot.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53'..and find out who takes home the £1,000 cash prize.'
0:16:53 > 0:16:55You know, I can't help but feel
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- the result has been rendered somewhat- BLEEP- moot.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Can't wait to see what you do next.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Well, I do know this shrew...
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- Shrew?! Do I look- BLEEP- French?!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I am not eating queer food.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Right, yeah. No, course not. Heh-heh-heh. Hmm...
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- HEDGEHOG:- For years, we animals
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- have suffered on 5/11. - CROWD: Yeah!
0:17:21 > 0:17:22What's 5/11?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Tonight, we strike back!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- ALL: Yeah! - What's 5/11?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Animals, are you with me?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- ALL: Yeah! - No, seriously, what's 5/11?
0:17:32 > 0:17:37- Everyone, isn't Marion a great guy? - Oh, he's brilliant.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39We love you! Yeah!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42He's so noble and so brave
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- and so wise.- Well, wouldn't say "wise", exactly.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Like, once I fell asleep in the tumble drier.
0:17:50 > 0:17:55Ha-ha-ha! Isn't that just, like, the funniest thing you ever heard?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57CROWD: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:17:57 > 0:18:01It is pretty funny. Also, the other day I saw a squirrel eating a bone.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Not a nut, like you would imagine,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05but a bone. Ha-ha-ha.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Crazy times.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09CROWD: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Marion, this movement needs a hero.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Do you have any idea who that hero might be?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Um....would it by any chance be me?
0:18:21 > 0:18:26Friends, our movement has its first willing martyr.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28CROWD: Yeah!
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Rock and roll! All right! Marion is the best!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- What's a martyr? - I don't know.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37What's A-MARTYR with you?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39CROWD: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Ha ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha-ha.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46No, but if I can be serious just for a minute, what is a martyr?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54So, the famous calendar. Let's have a...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Dame Helen Mirren, that's fruity stuff!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- You like?- Yes, I think you're incredibly brave.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04Well, it does take a certain strength of spirit to throw oneself into the public eye.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- But I think Destiny can handle it. - Certainly hope so.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12- It's a lot to live up to, being the new Wormelene cover girl.- What?!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- Oh, my Jesus!- You're a pioneer. You're like the Holly Johnson
0:19:15 > 0:19:19of anal worms...though in a way, of course, Holly Johnson WAS the...
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I've been exploited! They lied to me!
0:19:21 > 0:19:25So that's how they get dogs to advertise their grubby products!
0:19:26 > 0:19:30So for savings and investments, I put my faith in Zurich.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Er, sorry, there's a load of bog roll in shot.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- DIRECTOR:- Relax, we'll remove it in the edit. Keep rolling.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Well, I think you look lovely.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Yeah, but to everyone else, I look like I've got bum worms. Bum worms!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45SHE CRIES
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- Degenerate filth!- What? We weren't doing anything.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58You will burn in hell for 1,000 lifetimes for your decadence.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02That sounds like the kind of nonsense you've picked up from your new friends.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07They are brothers in arms, and we will not rest until we have brought an end to 5/11.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10OK, sorry, can you stop calling it 5/11?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- Why?- We're labouring the reference a bit.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Well, as my former friend,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16take this advice -
0:20:16 > 0:20:20keep away from the pub tonight.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22What? What do you mean? Marion!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Seriously, that is the tastiest rat I've ever had.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31I drowned her in orange juice, to give it that sweetness.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- Really- BLEEP- works.- Right.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Vince, I need to get some information,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38and you can be a persuasive fellow in your own way.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41MUSIC: "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealer's Wheel
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Talk, you spiny bastard, or I'll rip your spikes out,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- then hammer them up your arse! - Oh, God! Oh, no. Please, Vince, no.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Oh, shut up, Nelson. You want information, this is how you get it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Er...tell you what,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59let's try the old good cop/bad cop routine. I'll be the bad cop.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Ah-hem. Sorry I'm late, everyone - alarm didn't go off.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07And I forgot my truncheon, again!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Is it lunchtime yet? LAUGHS FOOLISHLY
0:21:09 > 0:21:11WHISPERS: You're on.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Talk, you hibernating- BLEEP!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Vince, be a good cop. You're sinking to his level.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Right, what do you want me to ask him?- I'm not telling you.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- Don't be a twat. What do you want me to ask him?- Uh-uh.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29# ..Clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right... #
0:21:29 > 0:21:32What do you want me to ask him?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- I won't say. - You're too late to stop us, anyway.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37We're going to blow up the pub.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38What? How?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Cellar's full of alcohol.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45One spark down there, the whole place'll go up.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47CACKLES
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- DESTINY:- 'Every year, Gary drugs me and puts me in the cellar.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52'Drugs me and puts me in the cellar.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54'Puts me in the cellar.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57'It's all flashbacks with you this week, innit?'
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I can't let Destiny die. Vince, untie me.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Time to become fire safety warden again.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Again.
0:22:04 > 0:22:10What I don't get is what daft bastard would be twat-headed enough to set off the explosion.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16So, just to get this absolutely straight,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20you're going to insert that firework into my bottom?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22You'll be a hero to us all. I envy you.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27And you're quite sure we couldn't achieve the same effect with, say, a sparkler?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29No. Deep breath, lad.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- THUNK! - Hey! Oh, la, la, la! Oi.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- Pretty long fuse you got there. - That's so I can get out of the way safely.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Don't blame you. I wouldn't want that thing going off in my face.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- Whatever. - Does this look big in my bum?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Ha-ha! Oi.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53God! I'm gonna be the face of anal worms, like, for ever!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Because I'm wormy.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58DOORBELL
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Hello, madam. I am a gas man,
0:23:02 > 0:23:06as you can clearly see from my official hat.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- I need to come in to read your meters, please.- Marion,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11why have you got a French banger up your arse?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Ah! You saw through my disguise!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Stupid Marion!
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Can't even explode a pub properly. - Sorry...
0:23:20 > 0:23:21you were going to explode the pub?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Ah, the other guys from the splinter cell will be so disappointed.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Why didn't you just say?
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Wipe your feet.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Now, down the cellar, just by the big box of calendars, yeah?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Hmm...
0:23:34 > 0:23:40So, that stupid, lame idea gives me a similar but much better idea.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43IRISH ACCENT: Sorry... are you talking to me?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Oh, no, just monologuing. Old habits.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- Anyway, I'll probably just outline the rest of my plan in my head. - You go ahead.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57This is probably going to be quite boring, so do you mind filling in?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Gotcha. IRISH JIG MUSIC
0:24:00 > 0:24:02WHIZZING AND POPPING
0:24:03 > 0:24:05GLASS SMASHES
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- SMASH! - Ha-ha-ha!- Huh?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Marion, for God's sake! You're going to die!
0:24:11 > 0:24:17Ah! But then I will wake up in a magical fantasy world filled with virgins.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- You mean Games Workshop? - I guess.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21You want me to pick you up some orc figurines?
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- I don't do that any more.- Really? Cos you still have all your 20-sided dice
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- and those little wizard... - Look, what is this, hmm?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Some Muslim thing you're doing? - No. This is nothing to do with religion.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- It's nothing to do with religion? - No. Nothing to do with religion.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39So just to clarify, this is absolutely nothing to do with religion.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40It's about politics, Nelson.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43But going down a cellar to blow up a building for political ends,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- that's not what Guy Fawkes Night is all about.- I don't care.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- Nothing can stop me. - Belt and braces.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- Definitely not about religion? - BOTH: No!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Oi! Professor Hawking! What's for supper?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Nothing, dickwad. Get your own food.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Oh, dear. Looks like I might be having crippled pigeon, then.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07Well, this crippled pigeon comes served on a bed of rocket!
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Rocket as in the firework
0:25:08 > 0:25:11as well as being a type of salad lea-ea-ea-ea-ea...!
0:25:12 > 0:25:18Crazy bitch. Still, I shall certainly miss her batonnets de poulet
0:25:18 > 0:25:21avec sauce tomates aux fines herbes,
0:25:21 > 0:25:22- and no- BLEEP- mistake.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26All right, Marion, if you're determined to die,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- then I'm going to stay here and die with you.- OK.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Actually, I was kind of banking on that line making you change your mind, so...
0:25:34 > 0:25:38I mean, no sense in us both dying senselessly.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Anyway...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Yeah, toodle-pip. HEAVY FOOTSTEPS
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- GARY:- In you go, Destiny. Sweet dreams down there.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Horne and Corden! She's been sedated.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54AS CAPTAIN FLAME: Now's your chance.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I've got to get her out of here.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Ten, nine, eight...
0:26:00 > 0:26:05Oh, God. Destiny, it's the last chance I'll ever get to tell you this, so...
0:26:05 > 0:26:06..five...
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Call me petty, but the actual phrase is "vice versa". "Vice versa".
0:26:10 > 0:26:14It's Latin. "Vice-a versa", which you always say, is meaningless!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Wait, the firework - it's not gone off.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Dermot Murnaghan! We're saved!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22A-a-a-a-ah!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Whoa! Did you see that? And the amazing thing is
0:26:25 > 0:26:27no-one got hu...
0:26:27 > 0:26:28BANG!
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Huh. Kind of ironic in its own little way,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39us lot...ending up here.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Well, Marion, I just hope you've learnt that terrorists never win.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Except the ANC.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48But they had some very valid arguments.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Still, at least it's good news for Destiny.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54She won't have to worry about being the "face" of anything
0:26:54 > 0:26:56for quite a long time.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59THEY LAUGH Fair play,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01that is a good one, isn't it, Destiny?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Destiny? Destiny?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06LONG, STEADY BEEP
0:27:06 > 0:27:07HE GULPS
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Eh, I'll plug it in... - Get the paddles!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Right, stand back. - There's a switch.- Clear!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- Oh, I'm not putting them on... - Rub them, man!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Rub them together, I forgot. Clear!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- We're losing her, we're losing her! - Clear!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- BUZZING - Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29No-o-o-o-o-o-o!
0:27:29 > 0:27:30No, no, no...!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Nelson, it's OK.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34You were having the bad dream.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37You're right, just a dream, just a dream.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- About something else that actually happened.- Oh, yeah.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Robert Mugabe, those poor animals!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45My friend, you have to get over this.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49It was so very, very, very, very, very,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52very, very, very long ago.
0:27:52 > 0:27:59- Coincidentally, also one year to this day.- Aaarrrrrggghhhh!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:01 > 0:28:03No, seriously, what's 5/11?