0:00:14 > 0:00:16Phwooooooar. Let's have a grope.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Cooooooooor. Nice tail!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ah, serious, Gary, you HAVE to bring me out
0:00:20 > 0:00:24when I'm on heat more often because this is a right laugh!
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Hello, darling. I'd like to do you up the wrong 'un.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31OK. Getting creepy now.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Hurry up, then, Gary - come on, quick-quick.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36BANG
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- Sniff my bum. - Oh! They're coming...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Oi! Shoo! Get off there.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Heel!
0:00:55 > 0:00:57GARY!
0:01:00 > 0:01:04It's OK! I know what to do!
0:01:04 > 0:01:05BARKING
0:01:07 > 0:01:08What's that? Someone's been hurt?
0:01:08 > 0:01:12No, you dick, I said I NEED A LIFT HOME.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Forget it.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27..these dogs were leering over me, then I thought I'd lost them,
0:01:27 > 0:01:31then some other stuff happened then I had to walk ALL THE WAY HOME!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Errr. Can I just ask where's Gary?
0:01:34 > 0:01:39- Gary? - You know your owner. About five-nine? Short hair?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Takes you on walks? Drives a Corsa? Votes UKIP? No? Big Maroon 5 fan?
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- Bought The Wire, never watched it, pretends he has?- Bit of a knob.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51Oh, Gary! Sadly, he's...he's dead.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59And I'm totally devastated but the way I look at it is...
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Oooooh! A SQUIRREL! A SQUIRREL! A SQUIRREL!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Oh, bitterest of ironies.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10That the landlord of a pub should die by falling out of a car park!
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Out of a car park, of all places!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Marion. You do understand the true meaning of irony?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Of course I understand the true meaning.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I do NOT understand the true meaning of irony.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Anyway, we should get going.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Cos, er, the meal's booked for eight.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27- Meal?- My birthday thing.
0:02:27 > 0:02:33Ah. Can't do tonight. Unfortunately. Ben Fogle's Extreme Dreams.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Afraid I can't come either, I've not been paid this month.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41I don't get paid any month. I don't have a job, though I DO have a lot of interviews lined up.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44If the phone rings, could you say you're the assistant manager of B&Q?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Ah, come on! We haven't been out together for ages.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Not since we all went to that charming Kosovan place.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58We're looking for a Wetherspoon's!
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Fine. Celebrate on my own, then. What - do you think I care?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Cos I don't. I don't care. Who round here thinks I care?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08eah, exactly. No-one, that's who thinks I care.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Because I don't care. Couldn't. Care. Less.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14TEARFULLY: See you in a bit, yeah?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Destiny, you shouldn't be alone tonight.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19How about you sleep at mine?
0:03:19 > 0:03:23We could stay up late, swap Gary stories, hit the Horlicks?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27As tempting as that sounds, I'm going to say a big fat... NO! MY GOD!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Bitch on heat!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I've got a bone for you!
0:03:31 > 0:03:35George A Romero! Run!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Such a drag when everyone wants sex with you all the time!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Out of interest, when did this season start? Precisely?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46About half five.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Right. OK.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50What are you doing?
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Nothing. Just making little note to self re, er... groceries.
0:03:54 > 0:04:00- He is updating his detailed record of your ovulation cycles. - What?! No, I'm not, Marion!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- You enter all the dates into an Excel spreadsheet.- No! That is...!
0:04:04 > 0:04:09- I mean, as if! - Also you made that wallchart. Which I happen to have right here.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16Fine! So I keep tabs! Well, excuse me for being a caring friend!
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- Pervert. - Thanks, Marion.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23No problems! Now come, let us enjoy being back inside!
0:04:23 > 0:04:29Haven't been indoors since I shared that flat with a werewolf, a vampire and a ghost.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37You know something this would make a great TV show!
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Well, not a "great" TV show, but perfectly watchable
0:04:42 > 0:04:45in a kind of low-rent True Blood kind of way.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I'll get my bindle.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Yes, the great indoors!
0:04:56 > 0:05:01The stale, fetid air, the feel of cheap carpet tiling underfoot!
0:05:01 > 0:05:06And where in all of nature could you find something as beautiful as this?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Do you know even what that is?
0:05:07 > 0:05:13I can only assume it's some kind of sonic-driven ghost-capturing device.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Karaoke machine, Marion.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Ahhh. How beguiling!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19This is my chance! Trapped, inside, with Destiny!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Nelson. Go get the girl.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I will guard the door, keep the dogs at bay.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Obliged! Now, what are we today, the 29th?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33MUSIC: "Ghost Town" by the Specials
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Who cares about them bumbaclaarts anyway? They're not real mates.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- At least I came.- Yeah. Though technically, you are the buffet.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45No, you're quite right. Please, have seconds.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48No point me going to waste.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Oh, watch out. - It's cool. He'll go round.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I don't think he's going round.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- He'll go round.- He's not.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57He'll go round... HE'S NOT GOING ROUND!!
0:05:57 > 0:06:01You killed my buffet, you stupid prick!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Pinch and punch, first of the month. BLEEP!
0:06:12 > 0:06:13So what you up to?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Just guarding the door. We're kind of under siege.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20God, been a while since I was under siege!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Tell a lie summer of 2010.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27So, Paul, let me get this straight I go mental, shoot some people,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30end up surrounded by armed police in the middle of a field
0:06:30 > 0:06:33and you think, "I know, I'll take him down a fishing rod
0:06:33 > 0:06:36"and a piece of BLEEP fried chicken!"
0:06:36 > 0:06:37GUNSHOT
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Oops. Another one for the charge sheet!
0:06:41 > 0:06:45So, we're all trapped in here until Destiny is off heat again.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46That's what you think.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51See, there's actually an incredibly simple solution to all this.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Let's have it, you BLEEP...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Oh, bracing! That's set me up for the day, that has.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02See you anon.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08You know, I always wondered what'd happen
0:07:08 > 0:07:11if you and I were to take over this place, run it together,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13maybe turn it into a gastropub...
0:07:16 > 0:07:19In summary, we get a visit from the Department of Environmental Health.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24- You can't have a fox running a kitchen. It's absolute lunacy... - It's broken!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- What is? - This. It's where the food comes from! It won't work!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Oh, my cheesecakes, you've gone grief-mental!
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Gary, you dick, why did you have to die the EXACT same day the bowl stops working!
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Destiny. Food comes from tins.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You take it from the tin, and put it into the bowl. Watch.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45You fixed it!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Now, any idea how you put new batteries in this thing?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Again, not batteries. You simply...
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Simon Pegg!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Nick Frost!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02# Cos I'm having a good time Having a good time
0:08:02 > 0:08:06# I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky like a tiger
0:08:06 > 0:08:09# Defying the laws of gravity
0:08:09 > 0:08:14# I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
0:08:14 > 0:08:19# I'm gonna go, go, go There's no stopping me
0:08:19 > 0:08:22# I'm burning through the sky, yeah
0:08:22 > 0:08:27# 200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit... #
0:08:27 > 0:08:29It's exhausting.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It's like, OK, we get it, you went to film school.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Actually giving me a headache. I just want to sit here and have an Anadin.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Stop it! For God's sake, just stop it!
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Now, I believe we were...
0:08:44 > 0:08:48# Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time
0:08:48 > 0:08:51# I'm having a ball... #
0:08:51 > 0:08:55So anyways, muggins here, enjoying her birthday meal,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57what happens, some guy on this mad,
0:08:57 > 0:09:01fruity rickshaw drives right at me, nearly runs me over.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Kali. Not a good time. Bit busy.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I mean seriously, if I'd caught up with him...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08In fact, good job I didn't,
0:09:08 > 0:09:12because you know legally my beak is classed as a deadly weapon...
0:09:12 > 0:09:14For God's sake, either do something about it or let it go
0:09:14 > 0:09:16but do NOT just sit there in the middle
0:09:16 > 0:09:19of what is an important zombie-style siege,
0:09:19 > 0:09:23moaning about what in real terms constitutes a minor piece of traffic discourtesy!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28OK. You want to see me do something?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I will do something. And I'll invite you to see me doing it.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33And you'll see me do something.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38Fine. Now if you'll excuse me, I have got a lot of violent dogs to... Oh.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45We've won this time. But they'll be back. I assume.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49I mean, I don't know that for definite. Total speculation on my part.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Ignore me. They're probably not coming back. Forget I mentioned it. Please. I'm an idiot.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Well, thanks for the heads-up, Marion.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57My pleasure.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07OK. Bit of fun. What do you do for a doggy treat?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I do sit, stay, beg, left paw, right paw, heel,
0:10:10 > 0:10:15wiggle ears that's double. I do crawl, take a bow, on your lap no touching.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19I do leave it, take it, salute the flag, or, if you want, we can just talk.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Sounds rather nice...
0:10:23 > 0:10:28So, yeah, that's the full and explosive story of how I came to be involved in the Sealed Knot.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Fascinating.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33We're actually doing the Battle of Naseby on the 19th if you fancy it.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Did you want to put your head in my lap?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36OK, then!
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Ahem.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Oh. Now.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Have I ever told you about my work with the Tolkien Society...?
0:10:48 > 0:10:53Eine kleine karaoke partei! Das is super gut idea!
0:10:53 > 0:10:5820,000 songs at my fingertips. By artists from 1930 to present day.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Everything from folk and progressive rock to skiffle and world music.
0:11:02 > 0:11:09Truly, I am limited only by the breadth and scope of my own imagination!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10So what have you chosen?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Celebration by Kool & The Gang!
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Interesting choice, man!
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Course, I like a bit of singing meself.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Voice of an angel, my old nan used to say.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25But, you don't want some old twat like me about, do ya?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28See myself out.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Vince, maybe you could do one quick...
0:11:30 > 0:11:34# I'm a firestarter! Twisted firestarter!
0:11:37 > 0:11:42- # You're the firestarter! - BLEEP- firestarter...
0:11:42 > 0:11:46D14, I Will Survive. How did I miss that? Tim, write that down.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- #- BLEEP- firestarter!
0:11:51 > 0:11:57I will have my revenge, rickshaw man. See I've lured him out here with the promise of a bogus fare,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59then while he's been in the chippy,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- I've left a little surprise on his rickshaw.- This better be worth it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07Trust me, it'll be up there with my campaign of biological warfare
0:12:07 > 0:12:10against the UK establishment!
0:12:11 > 0:12:15What the hell is that?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20We call it impetigo, my exuberant hairless friend.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24And that's for saying I can't or won't cook.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Nelson, baby, open this for me?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Baby?!
0:12:30 > 0:12:31We're an item.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Turns out I was right all along I'm Richard De Vere
0:12:34 > 0:12:36and she's my Audrey fforbes-Hamilton!
0:12:38 > 0:12:42To The Manor Born - hit series in the late 1970s, early 1980s,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46available on DVD with a commentary by Peter Bowles, I believe...
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- Open the food. - Angel, you know how this works. You have to earn it.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51What do you want?
0:12:51 > 0:12:58How about you...wag your little tail for me there?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Oh. Good. Good girl.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Oh, get a room!
0:13:03 > 0:13:09Look, she's very literally bitten the hand that feeds her! Whimsical.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Nelson, you prick, she's taking you for a ride.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- She's using you for the food. - What?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16He's coming back!
0:13:16 > 0:13:20You crapped on his seat? Well, I guess that makes you all square.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Wait for it!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24EXPLOSION
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Anthea Turner!
0:13:25 > 0:13:30It worked! Ha-ha! In your FACE, rickshaw man!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Brrap-brrap, you got RINSED!
0:13:33 > 0:13:38- CHILD:- Mummy! Come quickly! Daddy's hurt!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Ha. Ha-ha-ha. He had a kid!
0:13:40 > 0:13:46Brap brapp... Oh, God.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48THEY ALL CRY
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Now. Before we commence the spooning a little present.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12I love it!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18You and me. It is real, isn't it?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I'm not just someone who feeds you and gives you treats?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Sweetie, of course it's real!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Kiss me.- You know the rules - not on the mouth.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28But there is one thing I want.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32And I'll do anything for it. Even...even roll over!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Go on.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- A walkie. Because those dogs'll be gone by morning and then... - About that.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42According to the Wiki page on "canine reproductive cycles"
0:14:42 > 0:14:46your little season there lasts approx 21 days.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49It's a well-informed entry. I'm not just saying that because I wrote it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51We're stuck in here for three weeks?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I can't go THREE WEEKS without a walk!
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Relax, I know how you canines feel about your walkies.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Mandela's dog was just the same.
0:15:02 > 0:15:07Oh. Here he is, the big "I am". Where the hell have you been?
0:15:07 > 0:15:12MANDELA: Milo, my friend, I have been on the Long Walk to Freedom!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You've been on a LONG WALK?!
0:15:15 > 0:15:16GROWLING
0:15:16 > 0:15:22But look on the bright side more time together in our little love nest!
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Ugh, there is no-one in the world having a worse time than me right now.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31A-woooo!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33# Oh, why am I here?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36# In this pub garden?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40# One sniff of her
0:15:40 > 0:15:42# And I've lost control
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# I'm not the bad guy
0:15:45 > 0:15:48# I am the victim
0:15:48 > 0:15:50# Intoxicated
0:15:50 > 0:15:54# By her pheromones
0:15:54 > 0:15:56# Why does she make me
0:15:56 > 0:15:59# Act like a zombie?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01# I don't even like her
0:16:01 > 0:16:04# And I never have
0:16:04 > 0:16:07# Oh, what a cliche
0:16:07 > 0:16:10# Besieging a building
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# And all for some sex with
0:16:13 > 0:16:15# A pedigree chav
0:16:17 > 0:16:19# Die, evil zombies!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22# But I'm not a zombie, I'm quite clearly alive!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25# Die, evil zombies!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28# I'm just a romantic with a monster sex drive
0:16:28 > 0:16:33# Who just wants your love, but who'd like to survive!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36# Now they've killed Derek
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# He was my best friend
0:16:38 > 0:16:40# They used his own arm
0:16:40 > 0:16:43# To beat him to death
0:16:43 > 0:16:45# A father of two
0:16:45 > 0:16:49# And a charity worker
0:16:49 > 0:16:52# He said he loved you
0:16:52 > 0:16:56# With his dying breath
0:16:56 > 0:16:58# Die, evil zombies!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00# You say that I'm evil?
0:17:00 > 0:17:01# You're the one hitting me!
0:17:01 > 0:17:05# Die, evil zombies!
0:17:05 > 0:17:06# Take my hand, feel my pulse
0:17:06 > 0:17:07# And I wish you'd agree
0:17:07 > 0:17:10# There's a place in your heart for a camp amputee!
0:17:10 > 0:17:13# Come on, everybody, let's do the zombie
0:17:13 > 0:17:15# Adopt a vacant look and lift up your paws
0:17:15 > 0:17:18# Now you're reinforcing a stereotype
0:17:18 > 0:17:21# This dancing idea is fundamentally flawed
0:17:21 > 0:17:24# Die, evil zombies!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27# In hindsight, our relationship was doomed from the start
0:17:27 > 0:17:29# Die, evil zombies!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32# I don't want your brains, I just wanted your heart
0:17:32 > 0:17:35# But love has quite literally torn me apart. #
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Ah, I wish this zombie-style siege could last forever!
0:17:44 > 0:17:49- Treat.- Oh, sorry, baby, looks like you'll have to go without.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50- Get out!- Excuse me?- Get out!
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- But, Destiny... - Get out!- Oh, I see, I see.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Well, if you're going to treat me like an owner,
0:17:57 > 0:18:03I'll treat you like a dog. Stay in here and shut up!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05If I gave you a barley sugar and an old 5p,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- would you wag your...- Get out!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- # We will, we will- BLEEP- you!
0:18:17 > 0:18:23- # We will, we will- BLEEP- you! #
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Eight hours and 19 minutes later, it seems only fair to conclude
0:18:27 > 0:18:30that what we have on our hands is a karaoke hog.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Ah, filthy dirty karaoke swine.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38So, I'll just sit Wincent down and explain we'd like him to leave.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Wincent, there is something I need to talk to you about.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- I tell you who else I'd like to - BLEEP- and then eat, yeah.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51That Cassandra from Only Fools And Horses.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Call me Rodney, you dirty bitch.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Ah, Wincent, you are a funny guy.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00What do you mean, I'm funny?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03How am I funny? Funny how?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06No, it's just you're funny.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12- What, I amuse you? Funny how? How the- BLEEP- am I funny?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14What do you mean, I'm funny?
0:19:14 > 0:19:19- What, I'm funny like a- BLEEP? - Actually, Vince, the line is "funny like a clown".
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- He's right. Technically, there's nothing funny about- BLEEP.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Two words - Jimmy...Carr.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Fair point.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31Oi, maestro! E29!
0:19:31 > 0:19:35OK, it is clear there is only one sensible way to get Wincent
0:19:35 > 0:19:37out of our karaoke party.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41And that way is to assassinate Wincent.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43# See that girl
0:19:43 > 0:19:44# Watch that scene
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- # Digging the dancing- BLEEP.- #
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Oh, God!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Hm? What are you doing in there?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Seven. Seven years old.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Growing up without a daddy. Why?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Because I blew up a man over a minor breach of unwritten road etiquette.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Kali, you have to put it behind you.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11And it wasn't exactly the biggest overreaction in the world.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16Flying time is approximately five hours and 12 minutes.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19The in-flight movie is Big Momma's House!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Right, that's it. Nobody move!
0:20:21 > 0:20:22He's got a bomb!
0:20:22 > 0:20:27Service of remembrance tomorrow. You should go, pay your respects.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Maybe. If I'm still alive.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32SCREAMING
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Destiny!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Yeah. You go.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39I'm just going to stay right here and drink myself to death.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I don't suppose you've got a bendy straw.
0:20:41 > 0:20:47SOBBING: One of the dogs got in and he mounted me
0:20:47 > 0:20:53like I was a wall bracket and he...he left.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Are you OK? Do you feel unclean? Do you want to crouch naked in the shower,
0:20:57 > 0:21:02whilst sobbing uncontrollably, because I know that made me feel a heck of a lot better when Vince...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Kali killed a man, so, that's news.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08You have to get me to a vet. Morning-after pill - now!
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Ah! Say it, then.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Er...walkies?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Oh, take me...for a walk.
0:21:18 > 0:21:24# Where is love?
0:21:25 > 0:21:31# Does it fall from skies above?
0:21:31 > 0:21:36# Is it underneath the willow tree...? #
0:21:36 > 0:21:40- Is it just me or has he stopped- BLEEP- swearing?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Marion! The weirdest thing's just happened.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48See, there's something you should know about me.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50It's going to come as a bit of a shock, mate.
0:21:50 > 0:21:56I suffer from something known as Tourette's Syndrome.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59No, really?!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01You hide it so well(!)
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Yeah, had it all my life, as it goes.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Pretty sure it cost me that BBC One pre-watershed spin-off show.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- APPLAUSE - Mr Vincent, Mr Vincent, there's been an accident.
0:22:15 > 0:22:21- Calm down, Colin. Whatever it is, we can fix it.- I ordered too much lemonade for the vending machine.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- You what?! You absolute...- 'Clockwinder.'
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- In all my years of working in this...- 'Monkey-farming.'- ..place,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- I've never known such a pain in the...- 'Neck.'
0:22:29 > 0:22:30'For Frank's sake!'
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- You complete and utter... - 'Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky.'
0:22:33 > 0:22:34- ..grade A...- 'Clump.'
0:22:34 > 0:22:38But when I sing show tunes, I don't swear no more.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Whoa!- And I'd like to dedicate this next song to you.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46It's from Cats, a musical about cats, because...you're a cat.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Oh, my crapfathers. I'm going to cry!
0:22:50 > 0:22:55If I mask your scent with this eucalyptus spray, we should be OK.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59GROWLING
0:22:59 > 0:23:04David Mitchell, they're everywhere! Everywhere you look!
0:23:04 > 0:23:08To the extent that I genuinely wouldn't care if I him saw ever, ever again.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I mean, I've got a lot of time for the guy as it goes, but crikey,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13other TV show panellists are available.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Nelson! Less talking, more walking!
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Balls!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24THEY GROWL
0:23:24 > 0:23:28God, this is all Gary's fault! Selfish dead bastard!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Dave! Ambulance, now!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38THEY GROWL
0:23:40 > 0:23:42DISTANT SINGING
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- What is that sound? - Dunno, but it's beautiful.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49It's like I've stopped feeling sexually violent
0:23:49 > 0:23:51and started feeling all wistful.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Run!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Ah, David, hi. I was just saying
0:23:56 > 0:24:03how I could do with...seeing more of you. Anyhoo, love to Robert, bye!
0:24:03 > 0:24:10What kind of deity would let such a doting father die
0:24:10 > 0:24:13in such a seemingly random act of terror?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- SHE SOBS:- Why didn't I think this one through?!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Wha-ha-hy?!
0:24:21 > 0:24:25We may never understand how someone could do such a callous thing
0:24:25 > 0:24:28to such a gentle soul.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Oh, that's right, vicar!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Spoon it on!
0:24:32 > 0:24:37Perhaps, in time, we will find it in ourselves to forgive
0:24:37 > 0:24:41whoever perpetrated this senseless act of barbarism.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46OK! You want to know who it was? Me!
0:24:46 > 0:24:51I killed him! So, do what you want.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Because I deserve it.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00It's Gavin. He's OK. He's watching us and he's telling us he's OK.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02What?!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06He's telling us he's OK.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I made you happy?!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Everything's going to be OK!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- Now, which way's home? - Oh, it's going.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Bye-bye, Daddy, I love...
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Ow! Daddy hit me in the eye, Daddy hit me in the eye!
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- DISTANT SINGING - # I wore my coat
0:25:27 > 0:25:30# With golden lining
0:25:30 > 0:25:32# Ah-ah
0:25:32 > 0:25:34# Bright colours shining
0:25:34 > 0:25:35# Ah-ah
0:25:35 > 0:25:38# Wonderful and new... #
0:25:38 > 0:25:42I'd like to invite someone to sing with me now,
0:25:42 > 0:25:47without whom this karaoke party would not have happened.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Ladies and gentlemen, Marion!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- Huh?- Sing it!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Sing it for all of us!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57# A crash of drums
0:25:57 > 0:25:59# A flash of light
0:25:59 > 0:26:02# My golden coat flew out of sight... #
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Was is das smell?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Oh, scheisse!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10MARION HOLDS LONG NOTE
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Oh.
0:26:13 > 0:26:18Did you just call Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Sir Tim Rice
0:26:18 > 0:26:23- a pair of platinum-selling, New Year's Honours list- BLEEP?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I didn't say a word!
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Gah!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30It's so nice, being out, catching up on stuff!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Oh, my days!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Apparently, Goldie broke up with Bandit, yeah,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37cos Lady told her about him banging Misty on the dog walk,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40but then Misty told Bandit it was Lady who told Goldie.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Bandit called Lady a slag in front of Sailor, who's Lady's boyfriend.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Then Bandit and Sailor had this ruck at the bus station
0:26:46 > 0:26:49and Misty ran away crying, then someone called the RSPCA.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53SHE SNIFFS Then they all got put down.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Anyhoo, let's get a wriggle on.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59I've made an appointment with the veterinary nurse at 4:15.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Don't. I didn't really get mounted, I made it up so you'd walk me.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05You pretended you'd been sexually assaulted?!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Just so you'd get a walkies?
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Yeah.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Bloody hell, Destiny, that's a breach of my trust!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Worst of all, it casts a pall of doubt over genuine victims
0:27:14 > 0:27:16who do have the bravery to come forward.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20You're right, I've gone too far this time, Nelson. But, in my defence...
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Another squirrel!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23SIREN BLARES
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- THUD - What was that?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Just a speed bump.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- THUD - Oh, and that one was a dog.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39So, you see, Marion, the irony of it is,
0:27:39 > 0:27:42just as Destiny finally got her beloved walkies,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46- she got flattened by Gary's ambulance.- Ah, yes.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Thanks to the misfortunate sequence of events,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52I have at last come to appreciate the true meaning of irony.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56I am literally no closer to appreciating the true meaning of irony.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Which in itself is pretty ironic.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Or is it?
0:28:01 > 0:28:06- How was the funeral? - I masqueraded as a dead man, partially blinded a child
0:28:06 > 0:28:09and caused a clergyman to question his faith.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- And the buffet?- Was adequate.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Ah, Destiny. You and me, eh?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17We might've gone through the old relationship wringer,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20but we're still mates. No harm done.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:33 > 0:28:36E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk